For those of you not in the know, the Uruk-Hai are an advanced breed of Orcs from J. R. R. Tolkien‘s fictional universe of Middle-earth. We don’t know a great deal about them except that they are soldiers of ultimate evil, a cut above your average Orc, and they carry a mean-looking scimitar that, it turns out, has far more uses than slashing, cutting and raiding Gondor.

So when Tumblr user zohbugg found one of these mystical swords at a local antique store, she just had to have it. I mean, wouldn’t you too? Since then, she has discovered a whole bunch of hilarious ways to justify her purchase.

“I drove to Iowa to visit my friend. I found an Uruk-Hai scimitar in a local antique shop. I bought it. Without hesitation. I don’t know if I have enough for gas to drive home. Worth it”

“Well let me tell you, it was quite the pragmatic purchase. It has endless uses in my morning routine”

“Such as making the bed”

“Making toast”

“Getting things off high shelves”

“Making coffee”

“Reaching the remote when it’s too far away”

“And assisting me when I ran out of toilet paper”

“I don’t know how I survived life without it”

“We hang up lights”

“Decorate the tree”

“Wrap presents”

“And enjoy hot cocoa by a roaring fire”

“My roommates came home early”

“We’ll meet you at the altar”

“He hangs proudly on my wall near my bed in case of intruders”

Pretty much exactly what anyone should do if they find themselves in possession of a mythical weapon of ultimate evil. Sure the hell beats simply mounting it on a wall for display purposes only!

When not using it to make coffee with, Zoe’s scimitar is tastefully hung next to her bed, close at hand in case someone dares to try and invade her kingdom. Just try it, intruders, Zoe dares you…

Here’s how people reacted to the hilarious pics