Bride Doesn’t Want MIL At Her Wedding For Rejecting Her Adopted Daughter As Family
People say that blood is thicker than water, which suggests that biological family ties are stronger than any other kind of relationship. They also say that the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb, which means family isn’t just defined by biology. However, not many people share this sentiment. This was the case of a Reddit user who had to deal with her overbearing mother-in-law’s disdain for her adopted daughter. As if her behavior wasn’t enough, her in-laws expect her to apologize for setting healthy boundaries.
More info: Reddit
The author of the post and her fiancé chose to adopt their friend’s five-year-old daughter after the demise of the girl’s mother
Image credits: mododeolhar (not the actual photo)
Due to their upcoming nuptials, she chose to make the little girl her flower girl, but this did not go well with her mother-in-law, who claimed she chose “fake blood over real blood”
Image credits: Delany Dean (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)
This statement did not sit well with the author as she snapped at the woman and told her off
Image credit: u/kdea05
The Original Poster (OP) explained that she and her high school sweetheart were finally tying the knot after seven years of dating. She got along with most of his family members except his mother, who continuously nagged her for not giving her a grandson. However, she already had a grandchild – her late best friend’s five-year-old daughter.
This type of adoption is called an identified adoption, also known as a private adoption or known placement adoption. This means that you already know the birth parents, in this case, your friend, and choose them to adopt your child.
The main issue started at a family gathering where the OP’s fiancé’s mother was constantly horrible to the little girl, stating that she didn’t understand why an adopted child would take the place of a “true blood” grandchild. This did not go down well with the OP, and she asked her to tone it down. However, the fiancé’s mother stuck to her guns, claiming that the OP was being rude to her new family by introducing someone “who has nothing to do with” her.
Hearing this, she snapped and walked out of the house with her daughter. Her fiancé, upon confrontation, mentioned that his mother claimed the she had made threats, which she denied. She eventually came around and decided to apologize to his mother. Long story short, it did not end well, as the fiancé’s mother ended up getting into a tiff with the adopted daughter, Ellie, after she snatched a teddy bear her bio mother had made for her.
This led the OP to snap again. What upset her even more was the fiancé’s mother’s sly comment about the OP choosing “fake blood” over “real blood.” This led the OP to tell the mother she could skip the wedding if she had a problem with Ellie being the flower girl. This did not sit well with the family, who insisted the OP apologize for her words, but she disagreed.
The mother-in-law wanted to tamper with the girl’s teddy bear, a gift from her biological mother
Image credits: RAFAEL RUSSANO SILVA (not the actual photo)
With the rise of diverse family structures, it’s increasingly important to respect individual choices and navigate potential challenges. Setting boundaries can be key to navigating differences and fostering supportive relationships. According to Adoption.org, opting out of harmful situations can be the simplest and most effective way to protect your children’s well-being. Remember, “no” is a complete sentence, especially when it comes to safeguarding your loved ones. While ingrained people-pleasing tendencies might push us to explain ourselves, prioritizing your family’s needs takes precedence.
Recognizing and respecting your limits is crucial. This includes understanding both your own limitations and those of your children. Setting firm boundaries and consistently enforcing them, as recommended by experts, builds trust and respect. If these boundaries are repeatedly disregarded, consider distancing yourself from potentially harmful situations. Remember, you don’t owe explanations to those who fail to prioritize your family’s safety.
It’s important to note that setting boundaries doesn’t preclude open communication. In fact, fostering healthy dialogue can often accompany and strengthen the effectiveness of boundaries.
Community members rallied behind the OP, as there was no debate about whether Ellie was her daughter. Also, according to many commenters, if the family can’t accept this fact and choose to behave otherwise, they should leave the couple alone. In addition, commenters mentioned that if the OP’s fiancé wants to be in her life, he needs to step up and deal with his mother.
What do you think of this issue? Would you have acted the same way as OP did? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
People in the comment section agreed with her, and some suggested her fiancé should be more assertive in addressing his mother’s behavior
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Wow. Evil b***h bullying a child. Is she planning to steal that little girl's lunch money, too?
"That girl is stealing our family's money, so I didn't steal it". She's nagging she hasn't given her a grandchild yet, and the OP is barely 25!?! (And unmarried, so presumed virgin --- or am I overstating the case?)
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That MIL is a truly disgusting and outright evil person. The contempt dripping from her words would be enough, the fact she keeps making comments about blood. Its beyond time to have a serious. PUBLIC and humiliating conversation with and about her. In no uncertain terms, that sort of disgusting wording and attitude is unacceptable, bring receipts about how Nazis, the KKK, and countless other hate groups use it. And this is strike one. 3rd stike its hard NC for a year.
BTW, moron mil. The daughter of the bride's sister IS a blood relative of the bride !!!!! If you need the flower girl to be a blood relative of both the groom and bride, move to Alabama.
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For God's sake! This is where your husband-to-be should step up and show his extended family what his priorities are and they should be you and Ellie. If he doesn't step up, you should step up by not getting married. Don't let your spineless twit of a husband-to-be tell you that you have to work things out with his mother. If he says that, he's also a coward and you would be a fool to marry him. If you do marry him, get ready for a life-time of abuse when it comes to Ellie and your monster-in-law.
Where are you getting that the husband is a spineless twit of not supporting her? She never says that, she never even hints that. The worst he did was when he was confused because his mother had contacted him claiming the fiance was being abusive to her. Which sounds like it was cleared up by them talking. Him taking the daughter and her teddy away from the shouting match was a good thing and well done on his part. You're jumping to conclusions that he isn't supporting her. He isn't asking her to apologise, the family are asking him to ask her to apologise. I do agree that he should give his mum an ultimatum that the kid is his and she needs to pull her head in or she's no longer welcome. But it's also possible he's done that and it's not in the story.
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I'd be explaining to MIL, "You aren't real blood either. Just because I sleep with your son doesn't magically make us blood, so it's fine to treat you as badly as you treat Ellie right? You know, the Small. Child. you, an adult woman, is bullying."
Someone so he'll bent on bloodline tradition is ignoring the most important aspect of this, and as such, should not even be allowed in a church much less in the presence of any vows being made. This is her God child, she held her at her baptism and vowed before God she would care for her if the parents could not. Those are not empty words, your word is your bond. MIL is going against the DIL expecting her to break a sacred vow .
Right?? I mean, that's literally what a godmother means - to be a mother in the eyes of God if the original mother dies or is otherwise unable to care for their child. I mean, she's an utterly heinous b***h regardless of whether the OP is Ellie's godmother or took her in purely because it felt like the right thing to do, this just makes her a raging hypocrite too.
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Wow, just wow. Your mother in law is a piece of "you know what"! Shame on her for treating a child that way. You are a better person than I am, I would have punched her in the mouth.
Let's take a step back. Had her BFF still been alive, this young girl could/would/mat have still been the flower girl at your wedding. Why? Because your friend is family and that's literally something people do. So this woman's obsession with your daughter is absolutely insane. And you need to do NC with this woman. If your fiance isn't willing to join, you shouldn't get married. You are now this young girl's parents. You must protect her above all others. And you will never make her feel safe if you allow this woman anywhere near her.
Personally I'd put the wedding on hold for now. If you can't get the MiL to see how appalling her comments are, that poor child, who already lost her mother and doesn't seem to be in contact with her bio father, is going to grow up feeling like she's not good enough, especially if bio children come along later.
Both her parents were in the car accident. She lost both parents 😞
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Can someone point me in the direction of this MIL so I can leave a flaming bag of excrement on her doorstep? Poor little girl.
But it doesn't start there, either. Family cares about you, not what you can do for them. Family's there through the good, the bad-all of it. They got your back, even when it hurts.
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"Real Blood" is what would be flowing from this mil's nose if she tried this with me.
Say "not true blood" once more and there will probably be very real blood. Yours.
NTA. She isnt "real blood" either shes blood by marriage. N newsflash to her There hasnt been a wedding yet and he behavior is jeprodizing that. Anyone that takes a charoshed toy from a child doesnt deserve ANY grandkids period
Family...the other f word. You have set the boundaries and please please stay true to that. Ellie is your daughter now, and if the old bat can't keep her trap shut about it, she is unwelcome anywhere Ellie is...you draw the line and dare her...mum will try you, manipulate, get family to her side, you call her bluff on all of it. BE THE MAMA BEAR!!!
I like the idea to send out a mass text to the fam calling this out and going no contact with anyone who sides with monster in law
NTA. FMIL is evil personified, bullying a child just because she wasn't born into her family. (That, I would consider a blessing.) The fiançé did well to remove Ellie from the scene, but it still falls short. He needs to once and for all put his foot down and draw the line in the sand. It's HIS mother who is causing trouble; it falls on him to stop it now, not sometime after vows have been taken. OP should postpone the wedding until this is resolved, for six months, minimum. Within the first three months, it should be obvious as to how this will play out. If the fiancé lays down the law and enforces it, well and good. But if he balks and opts for playing the pacifist ("We should all get along," "You should try to work things out with my mom"), then OP should engage the exit strategy: ring off, cross the floor, Ellie in hand, and out the door. If Monster-in-law is like this during the engagement, there's no telling what she'll do later on.
'Evil personified'? It's possible to express a negative opinion without playing judge, jury and executioner. This is one aspect of the MIL: we're not given to know much else about her and what drives her feelings.
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OMG! If this MIL is saying and doing these things BEFORE the wedding, what type life will you have with your new husband? Did he stand up for you and your daughter? Does he support you and her? Does he view your daughter as YOUR daughter? Or does he share your MIL's opinions? Your child is your child regardless of blood. Blood does not create a family. Some of the healthiest families I know are not biologically linked. If your partner does not see your daughter as important and worth defending to his mother...it may be time to reconsider the marriage.
Lady sounds like a t wa t. People need to stand up For you and the child. And she can stay home if that's her attitude. She's your family. Your freind ask you to be her god mom if something happened and it tragically did a mil needs to understand that's what a godparent does!
I can’t think of anything less relevant to my life than blood relatives. They’re about as meaningful as astrology, except that astrology doesn’t try to borrow money.
? There's just as much art posts and work dramas and such, if you're talking about bored panda specifically. If you're not interested in it, don't click on it. Family/personal drama is like water, it's everywhere and extremely common, unfortunately.
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One of my closest and oldest friends is adopted, but no one thinks twice about it, even though she doesn't look at all like her parents. They're her parents. She doesn't have any siblings, so I call her son my nephew and her parents absolutely love it! My aunt's ex came with 3 daughters, who stuck around after they split. They are my cousins, as are my adopted cousins and my mum's childhood friend's kids. I have so many people that I consider relatives and family, even though we're not "blood". We make our own families. I also grew up having 3 grandmothers. Never thought about my dad's stepmum not being MY grandmother.
Yes, if the fiancé doesn’t immediately tell the mil to get in line and tell her it is 100% no contact if she runs her mouth again, then call off the wedding.
Your future mother-in-law is a B***H (caps locked!). Sensor away, BP, but it's true. And since she decided to be a HUGE B***H, you and fiance should go radio silence in a HUGE way in the form of a threat of restraining order when she comes crying around for her "real blood" family's comfort. Then follow through with the OLD B***H by filing the restraining order. The B***H won't honor it, so she'll eventually do the entire world a favor and be put behind bars.
First, NTA. MIL is an evil person. Second, every time I see the phrase "blood is thicker than water" it drives me nuts, because the original saying means the exact opposite. The original is "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb".
Thank you! That drives me up a wall too. I hate it when people use HALF of a saying to justify shιττy behaviour that's the opposite of the actual saying. I've gone off on people in stores for throwing 'The customer is always right.' at clerks, & given them a loud education on the full & actual saying.
Load More Replies... Gosh, I hope the fiance stands by her. I would not want that woman near ANY children. Vile. Hopefully they will never let that poor girl (or any other child they might have) be alone with her. No unsupervised visits with any kids for the future or straight up NC, please.
MIL is horrid, and if hubs to be doesn't stand up to her, he's horrid too, and I'd call off the wedding.
I also very much disagree with using a picture of Judge Judy as the thumbnail for MILs quote. JJ would absolutely NEVER say crαp like this & in fact would tear the MIL a new one for saying this to a child if this situation came before her in court. She's a staunch advocate for children & blended families, & a major supporter of adoption.
Her, and anyone else who has a problem with Ellie, shouldn’t be allowed in your wedding or in your lives. And if your fiancé doesn’t back you up on this, don’t get married
I'm pretty sure this was a B plot in a Hallmark movie my mom was watching a few years ago...
So, taking a toy from a child (that is trying to cope with a huge change in her life that some adults have problems to adapt to) and still manage to make out SHE is the offended one? If MIL knows about the circumstances, I guess she knew the value of the bear too? I hope OP protects her daughter, even if worst case, it costs her her relation/marriage.
Yeah, MIL wasn't all that fond of the OP as a choice for her son to begin with, but then the adopted child raised that to rejection and hatred. OP is likely being viewed by the MIL as taking advantage of MIL's son in order to raise a cuckoo child: like the OP latched on to him to drain him for resources and support. That the couple aren't having a bio kid (yet or possibly ever) because the goddaughter is currently high need due to grief would cement it in the MIL's head that her son is a good person being taken advantage of, whom she has to step in and protect. Going after the grown adult woman who is not afraid of public confrontation is intimidating, so the child is the more appealing, easier target to displace all of these feelings on.
Wow. Evil b***h bullying a child. Is she planning to steal that little girl's lunch money, too?
"That girl is stealing our family's money, so I didn't steal it". She's nagging she hasn't given her a grandchild yet, and the OP is barely 25!?! (And unmarried, so presumed virgin --- or am I overstating the case?)
Load More Replies... That MIL is a truly disgusting and outright evil person. The contempt dripping from her words would be enough, the fact she keeps making comments about blood. Its beyond time to have a serious. PUBLIC and humiliating conversation with and about her. In no uncertain terms, that sort of disgusting wording and attitude is unacceptable, bring receipts about how Nazis, the KKK, and countless other hate groups use it. And this is strike one. 3rd stike its hard NC for a year.
BTW, moron mil. The daughter of the bride's sister IS a blood relative of the bride !!!!! If you need the flower girl to be a blood relative of both the groom and bride, move to Alabama.
Load More Replies... For God's sake! This is where your husband-to-be should step up and show his extended family what his priorities are and they should be you and Ellie. If he doesn't step up, you should step up by not getting married. Don't let your spineless twit of a husband-to-be tell you that you have to work things out with his mother. If he says that, he's also a coward and you would be a fool to marry him. If you do marry him, get ready for a life-time of abuse when it comes to Ellie and your monster-in-law.
Where are you getting that the husband is a spineless twit of not supporting her? She never says that, she never even hints that. The worst he did was when he was confused because his mother had contacted him claiming the fiance was being abusive to her. Which sounds like it was cleared up by them talking. Him taking the daughter and her teddy away from the shouting match was a good thing and well done on his part. You're jumping to conclusions that he isn't supporting her. He isn't asking her to apologise, the family are asking him to ask her to apologise. I do agree that he should give his mum an ultimatum that the kid is his and she needs to pull her head in or she's no longer welcome. But it's also possible he's done that and it's not in the story.
Load More Replies... I'd be explaining to MIL, "You aren't real blood either. Just because I sleep with your son doesn't magically make us blood, so it's fine to treat you as badly as you treat Ellie right? You know, the Small. Child. you, an adult woman, is bullying."
Someone so he'll bent on bloodline tradition is ignoring the most important aspect of this, and as such, should not even be allowed in a church much less in the presence of any vows being made. This is her God child, she held her at her baptism and vowed before God she would care for her if the parents could not. Those are not empty words, your word is your bond. MIL is going against the DIL expecting her to break a sacred vow .
Right?? I mean, that's literally what a godmother means - to be a mother in the eyes of God if the original mother dies or is otherwise unable to care for their child. I mean, she's an utterly heinous b***h regardless of whether the OP is Ellie's godmother or took her in purely because it felt like the right thing to do, this just makes her a raging hypocrite too.
Load More Replies... Wow, just wow. Your mother in law is a piece of "you know what"! Shame on her for treating a child that way. You are a better person than I am, I would have punched her in the mouth.
Let's take a step back. Had her BFF still been alive, this young girl could/would/mat have still been the flower girl at your wedding. Why? Because your friend is family and that's literally something people do. So this woman's obsession with your daughter is absolutely insane. And you need to do NC with this woman. If your fiance isn't willing to join, you shouldn't get married. You are now this young girl's parents. You must protect her above all others. And you will never make her feel safe if you allow this woman anywhere near her.
Personally I'd put the wedding on hold for now. If you can't get the MiL to see how appalling her comments are, that poor child, who already lost her mother and doesn't seem to be in contact with her bio father, is going to grow up feeling like she's not good enough, especially if bio children come along later.
Both her parents were in the car accident. She lost both parents 😞
Load More Replies... Can someone point me in the direction of this MIL so I can leave a flaming bag of excrement on her doorstep? Poor little girl.
But it doesn't start there, either. Family cares about you, not what you can do for them. Family's there through the good, the bad-all of it. They got your back, even when it hurts.
Load More Replies... "Real Blood" is what would be flowing from this mil's nose if she tried this with me.
Say "not true blood" once more and there will probably be very real blood. Yours.
NTA. She isnt "real blood" either shes blood by marriage. N newsflash to her There hasnt been a wedding yet and he behavior is jeprodizing that. Anyone that takes a charoshed toy from a child doesnt deserve ANY grandkids period
Family...the other f word. You have set the boundaries and please please stay true to that. Ellie is your daughter now, and if the old bat can't keep her trap shut about it, she is unwelcome anywhere Ellie is...you draw the line and dare her...mum will try you, manipulate, get family to her side, you call her bluff on all of it. BE THE MAMA BEAR!!!
I like the idea to send out a mass text to the fam calling this out and going no contact with anyone who sides with monster in law
NTA. FMIL is evil personified, bullying a child just because she wasn't born into her family. (That, I would consider a blessing.) The fiançé did well to remove Ellie from the scene, but it still falls short. He needs to once and for all put his foot down and draw the line in the sand. It's HIS mother who is causing trouble; it falls on him to stop it now, not sometime after vows have been taken. OP should postpone the wedding until this is resolved, for six months, minimum. Within the first three months, it should be obvious as to how this will play out. If the fiancé lays down the law and enforces it, well and good. But if he balks and opts for playing the pacifist ("We should all get along," "You should try to work things out with my mom"), then OP should engage the exit strategy: ring off, cross the floor, Ellie in hand, and out the door. If Monster-in-law is like this during the engagement, there's no telling what she'll do later on.
'Evil personified'? It's possible to express a negative opinion without playing judge, jury and executioner. This is one aspect of the MIL: we're not given to know much else about her and what drives her feelings.
Load More Replies... OMG! If this MIL is saying and doing these things BEFORE the wedding, what type life will you have with your new husband? Did he stand up for you and your daughter? Does he support you and her? Does he view your daughter as YOUR daughter? Or does he share your MIL's opinions? Your child is your child regardless of blood. Blood does not create a family. Some of the healthiest families I know are not biologically linked. If your partner does not see your daughter as important and worth defending to his mother...it may be time to reconsider the marriage.
Lady sounds like a t wa t. People need to stand up For you and the child. And she can stay home if that's her attitude. She's your family. Your freind ask you to be her god mom if something happened and it tragically did a mil needs to understand that's what a godparent does!
I can’t think of anything less relevant to my life than blood relatives. They’re about as meaningful as astrology, except that astrology doesn’t try to borrow money.
? There's just as much art posts and work dramas and such, if you're talking about bored panda specifically. If you're not interested in it, don't click on it. Family/personal drama is like water, it's everywhere and extremely common, unfortunately.
Load More Replies... One of my closest and oldest friends is adopted, but no one thinks twice about it, even though she doesn't look at all like her parents. They're her parents. She doesn't have any siblings, so I call her son my nephew and her parents absolutely love it! My aunt's ex came with 3 daughters, who stuck around after they split. They are my cousins, as are my adopted cousins and my mum's childhood friend's kids. I have so many people that I consider relatives and family, even though we're not "blood". We make our own families. I also grew up having 3 grandmothers. Never thought about my dad's stepmum not being MY grandmother.
Yes, if the fiancé doesn’t immediately tell the mil to get in line and tell her it is 100% no contact if she runs her mouth again, then call off the wedding.
Your future mother-in-law is a B***H (caps locked!). Sensor away, BP, but it's true. And since she decided to be a HUGE B***H, you and fiance should go radio silence in a HUGE way in the form of a threat of restraining order when she comes crying around for her "real blood" family's comfort. Then follow through with the OLD B***H by filing the restraining order. The B***H won't honor it, so she'll eventually do the entire world a favor and be put behind bars.
First, NTA. MIL is an evil person. Second, every time I see the phrase "blood is thicker than water" it drives me nuts, because the original saying means the exact opposite. The original is "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb".
Thank you! That drives me up a wall too. I hate it when people use HALF of a saying to justify shιττy behaviour that's the opposite of the actual saying. I've gone off on people in stores for throwing 'The customer is always right.' at clerks, & given them a loud education on the full & actual saying.
Load More Replies... Gosh, I hope the fiance stands by her. I would not want that woman near ANY children. Vile. Hopefully they will never let that poor girl (or any other child they might have) be alone with her. No unsupervised visits with any kids for the future or straight up NC, please.
MIL is horrid, and if hubs to be doesn't stand up to her, he's horrid too, and I'd call off the wedding.
I also very much disagree with using a picture of Judge Judy as the thumbnail for MILs quote. JJ would absolutely NEVER say crαp like this & in fact would tear the MIL a new one for saying this to a child if this situation came before her in court. She's a staunch advocate for children & blended families, & a major supporter of adoption.
Her, and anyone else who has a problem with Ellie, shouldn’t be allowed in your wedding or in your lives. And if your fiancé doesn’t back you up on this, don’t get married
I'm pretty sure this was a B plot in a Hallmark movie my mom was watching a few years ago...
So, taking a toy from a child (that is trying to cope with a huge change in her life that some adults have problems to adapt to) and still manage to make out SHE is the offended one? If MIL knows about the circumstances, I guess she knew the value of the bear too? I hope OP protects her daughter, even if worst case, it costs her her relation/marriage.
Yeah, MIL wasn't all that fond of the OP as a choice for her son to begin with, but then the adopted child raised that to rejection and hatred. OP is likely being viewed by the MIL as taking advantage of MIL's son in order to raise a cuckoo child: like the OP latched on to him to drain him for resources and support. That the couple aren't having a bio kid (yet or possibly ever) because the goddaughter is currently high need due to grief would cement it in the MIL's head that her son is a good person being taken advantage of, whom she has to step in and protect. Going after the grown adult woman who is not afraid of public confrontation is intimidating, so the child is the more appealing, easier target to displace all of these feelings on.
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