“Adults Who Are Married, What Small Things You Do Make Your Marriage Stronger?” (30 Answers)
Interview
Relationships aren’t a one-and-done kind of thing. They’re almost like living, breathing things that require constant care, affection, and attention. The more proactive you are in its upkeep, the more it’ll thrive. However, some folks might feel too exhausted, overwhelmed, or cynical to know where they could start to improve their romantic relationships. The key is to start small.
Inspired by user u/Dani0873, the members of the r/AskReddit online community revealed some of the small things they do to make their marriages stronger. Scroll down for some wholesomeness, and upvote the advice you thought was the most helpful. Meanwhile, we’ll be taking some notes…
We got in touch with the author of the viral thread, redditor u/Dani0873. They were kind enough to answer our questions and share their perspective on relationships. Read on for Bored Panda's interview with them.
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Do the chores. Seriously.
All the love notes and cuddles don't mean s**t if you leave your dishes by the sink.
There are many different reasons why married couples decide to get divorced. Time goes by, people and circumstances change, and they sometimes fall out of love or drift apart. Other times, spending a lot of time together can show you that the person you married is very different from the initial impression they gave you.
According to Forbes, the biggest factor for couples getting a divorce is a lack of family support. 43% of respondents listed this as their biggest reason for breaking up during a Forbes Advisor survey of divorcees. The second biggest reason was infidelity, with 34% of respondents mentioning it.
Solve problems don't win fights.
We like each other. And act like it. A lot of couples seem to fall into a pattern of casual sniping and put-downs, which is uncomfortable to be around and I think erodes the relationship.
Other major factors contributing to divorce include a lack of compatibility, lack of intimacy, and too much conflict (31% of survey respondents mentioned these), as well as financial stress (24%), lack of commitment (23%), and parenting differences (20%).
Other factors included marrying too young (10%), having opposing values (6%), substance abuse (3%), domestic violence (3%), and pursuing different lifestyles (1%).
My wife who is 28 told me this past weekend that growing up she never did an Easter egg hunt, so she's about to come home from work to an Easter egg hunt in the house. (Fake plastic eggs). I think doing fun things like this helps build our marriage further. I love her to pieces.
Every day we lay down and hold each other tight for 5 minutes. No talking, no kissing or anything else. We both believe intimacy is crucial to a relationship and it can be as simple as laying down and holding each other tight for 5 minutes every day.
Not related but does anyone even read the "articles" between each of the different posts in these lists?
Chores, nothing makes me feel more like I have an equal partner than facing the daily burdens together.
So pick up after yourself, clean the litter box when it's your turn, wipe down the table after you're done eating, make the bed if you wake up later than me, do the laundry when it's needed without waiting for me to tell you, and for heaven's sake PLEASE DON'T WAIT UNTIL I HAVE TO ASK (the mental load is real people, please look it up).
According to redditor u/Dani0873, who started the viral discussion on r/AskReddit, trust is what lies at the core of truly strong relationships.
"I think it’s the pre-requirement to a healthy and long relationship," the OP explained that it is absolutely fundamental.
We were interested in getting their opinion on what someone else might do to strengthen their relationship if it's currently falling apart. For the author of the thread, communication plays a vital role here.
Assume positive intent. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of assuming someone did something intentionally to hurt you. 9 times out of 10 for us it’s a simple mistake/lapse in judgement. If it’s a serious issue/problem then talk it out and explain why it happened, how to not have it happen in the future.
This one is really, really important. Especially for those of us with trauma in past relationships. It is far too easy to think your partner has it out for you. And it is extremely painful when wrong assumptions and accusations come flying at you out of nowhere.
Be excited about what they find exciting. He LOVES birds, ducks especially. We live on a lake, so he will see them in the water, and point them out. I never really cared, but looking out the window when he is like, 'Oooh, that's a canvas back!' is not hard, and he finds more excitement in my acknowledgment.
I can now tell what some of them are as they fly by when we are in the car, and his enjoyment is childlike (in a good way) and contagious. And now my house is decorated with (nice) waterfowl paintings. I would never have picked them when I was single, but he lives them, and at least it's a theme.
My partner is a magic the gathering fan. I have no idea about what half the cards are supposed to do but he gets exited when I ask if I can open some of the booster packs.
- We always say thank you and show gratitude, even for the small things that are expected.
- We never involve anyone else in our relationship, no parents, no friends.
- We often ask each other questions like “how are you feeling?” or “how did you sleep?”.
- We do most things together, even the meaningless things like going to get the mail and going to the grocery store.
- We share our hobbies. We have all the same hobbies and it’s so much fun!
- We always show each other casual small acts of affection. Random kiss, random hug, random butt slap.
"I’d say talk to your partner," u/Dani0873 told Bored Panda.
“Keeping secrets or requests to yourself will only make you resentful, and that kills any relationship. If you’re scared to talk because you fear the consequences, then, IMO, you’re lacking trust,” they said.
The redditor told us that they weren't expecting their question to get so much attention on the internet. "I asked this question because, while conversing with my girlfriend, we were guessing what other couples do to improve the quality of their relationship."
They added that they hope that everyone in the comments section of their thread has a “healthy, happy, and long marriage.”
30 years together and we still really like each other. This wouldn’t work for everyone, but honestly our main goal is to make each other laugh.
We both work on making sure the other person feels appreciated. My husband makes dinner every night and I thank him for it every night, usually mentioning something in particular—“Whatever you did to this chicken recipe was great. It was delicious.” We regularly ask each other things like “Is there something you need from me that you’re not getting from me?”
Also, and I’m not gonna lie, after spending time with other couples, we usually decide on the way home that we are nicer to each other and that we have more fun and then feel very smug.
I make sure to tell my husband when I appreciate keeping me in mind for a particular dish he made. He likes to experiment with ingredients and seasonings, so when he makes the extra effort to tone those things down so that I'll eat it too, I make sure to let him know how good the dish is and that I appreciate his effort.
Grab each other’s butts. When you are mad… SAY IT! Stop holding it in and resenting the other person. FORGIVENESS. This app is so quick to tell people to leave or divorce. Relationships are hard and people aren’t perfect. Love the person for who they are not who you think they should be.
Flirt. A lot. I never want my spouse to feel unattractive or like he doesn’t deserve attention, especially as we get older or have been together for longer. Even if it’s not always meant in a “let’s have sex now” way, it always gets a giggle and it makes him feel good about himself, especially when I flirt with him in public lol. Even when went through a rough patch I never stopped hitting him with a “how you doin”.
And don’t be afraid to act like you like each other in front of other people, it isn’t cool to only compliment or be affectionate with your spouse behind closed doors.
In our experience, the things that truly make relationships work are honesty, respect, and playfulness. When there’s transparency and trust, you can both be on the same page. When there’s mutual respect, you feel heard and understood, so the connection between the both of you is genuine. And when there’s playfulness, there’s hardly any room for routine or boredom!
In short, the more effort you put into making your relationship fun and loving, the more you’ll see the results. When your support and affection are genuine, it really shows.
Being best friends was helpful. You can literally just hang out and enjoy each others company. Even with three teenagers, we find time to just hang out with each other. You'll talk about the kids and work inevitable, but you're also just spending time together. That being said...you also need to spend time apart. Girls night out. Guys golf trip. It's learning to balance. If someone is trying to unbalance it, then you need to talk about that right away.
When "love" feels less intense because of other stressors, "like" is absolutely essential.
Listening to my wife. Really listening.
Whenever my partner mentions ANYTHING of interest, whether it is innocuous or an aside, something big or small, I add it to a private list I have. So whenever an event comes up (birthday, holiday, etc), I have a list of things that I know she would enjoy getting. This works for big gifts, small gifts, and everything in between. So if we have a gift budget of say $100, I can either get her 1 item for $100 or multiple items adding up to $100. Every time she is surprised and pleased with the gift(s). She was talking about a brand of *pencil* months ago that she loved and I got her a pack for valentines day + a book she has been wanting and she was elated.
That being said, it does require that you and your partner are actually attracted to each other, have similar values, and share at least some interests. It’s very difficult to maintain a deep relationship with someone whom you only have superficialities in common with.
What do you do to keep your relationships with your partners strong, dear Pandas? How do you show your affection and provide support every day? How do your partners show that they care about you, too? If you feel up for sharing your experiences, don't be shy and write your thoughts in the comments.
A couple should be a team, not opposing competitors! I hate any relationship advice that tells you how to 'game' your SO or the relationship.
Little gifts! My husband and I are like crows lol, if I find something small and shiny it goes to my husband, if he finds a neat rock it goes to me lol. It's just one of those random little things that shows they're thinking of you at sometimes the most unexpected times and it def always makes me feel more connected to my husband to both present and be presented with tiny knickknacks.
Small favors. I HATED getting a sibling something (like a drink) because it seemed they would purposely wait until I got up to ask for it.
BUT for my husband and I, I never say no, and neither does he. And it's always appreciated. He will even get up and refill my drink if he sees it getting low without me asking. And I really appreciate this little thoughtfulness.
Thoughtfulness in tiny gestures means when major thoughtfulness is needed, it will doubtless be there.
Love notes tucked away in lunch boxes.
My hubby made my lunch and put a love note in every day for 12 years, till I retired.
A lot of cuddles. Whenever we're in bed or on the couch we'll find the time to snuggle.
Occasionally stopping to just admire one another. Being very open about our wants/needs/desires, even if they seem weird.
Having little in-jokes. I have so many memories from when we've sat together, one of us playing Elden Ring and the other backseat driving, both providing commentary. It's always fun.
As much as I would like to agree, this doesn't work living with a partner who doesn't like cuddles (yer they exist). Although I often do the ninja ambush cuddle.
If they really care about you they can suffer through the horror of cuddles for your emotional well-being on a regular basis. Kindness is free, divorce lawyers aren't. We all have to do things we don't particularly enjoy but are necessary.
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The in-jokes are priceless! Oh, the things we can never tell our grandchildren!
We made a mistake of getting one of those " love seats" with a console in the middle and it reclines. I looked at him one day while watching a movie and told him, "I don't feel much love with the seat."
I’m divorced but I’ll tell you something I did wrong and that’s kind of the same thing right? Anyway I never let my wife verbally know how much I appreciated her I took her out and got her gifts but I just never outright told her “hey I appreciate you and everything you do” so idk if that helps but.
Ask your spouse about their day when they get home every single day. Even if you’re not in the mood and aren’t 100% into the conversation. You’d be surprised (myself anyways) how much I retain even if I’m not 100% mentally engaged.
We don’t hold mistakes against each other. It’s not conducive to a lasting and happy marriage.
Humor and deep conversations about life.
Know eachother's strengths and weaknesses... and be a great team. My wife loves to cook but hates the prep and clean-up... So I help with the prep and clean up after we're done. Also... Don't fight about stupid s**t, not worth the bad feelings. Also... What ever the fight might be about, don't go to bed angry. Make up before you wake up.
My partner and I have definitely gone to bed angry. It gives us time to cool and reset versus just being tired and cranky
So many things…
We invest in each others love languages (mine is words of affirmation and his is quality time together)
We have routines that emphasize our commitment (e.g. when we take off our wedding rings to exercise, the other person has to put the ring back on for you; we give each other a big good morning hug every day)
We put each other first and always have a unified front in public. It’s us versus the problem; never him versus me
We are each other’s safe space. There’s nothing I can’t share with him and vice versa. I’m never ashamed to be vulnerable in front of him because we never weaponize or make fun of those vulnerabilities
We continue to date each other. Trivia night, dinner outings, concerts, etc. I dress up for him and vice versa when the occasion warrants it
We laugh a lot together. We laugh at the tough situations. We always laugh together when something breaks or doesn’t go our way. Our first reaction is always humor
We break down communication barriers quickly when something didn’t go as planned and something went wrong as a result
We ALWAYS assume positive intent when confronting the other with an issue
We are hugely transparent. Joint calendar, joint email; our phone passwords are the same; no secrets unless we say there’s a surprise being planned then we respect privacy as needed.
Joint email would be a hard no for me. I'm fine having *a* joint email to use for mutual business (e.g. kid's school) but I have the right to communicate with my family and friends in private. Preventing someone from doing that creates an environment where abuse can happen.
I make her laugh almost every day.
Also one of my husband's goals. And mine too--nothing makes me happier than hearing him burst out laughing at something I've said or done.
There are a lot of small things: compliment her, get her treats and sweets when she is feeling down, or on her period, hug her, cuddle every night, etc.
I change diapers, and she feeds. I sing Elvis and she gives massages. I bring home happy lemon about twice a week, and she brings home a snack. It's really just being thoughtful of each other throughout each day and helping out wherever we can. I guess it's really I'm never afraid to ask her "How can I help?" And she's always willing to ask me if I'm doing okay.
Eye contact. Even for a few seconds. Magical.
Communication is so important. A good partnership is all about great communication
I would say THE most important thing, because everything begins with honest and full communication. Partners aren't mind readers.
Load More Replies... Our 7th anniversary is coming up and I'm absolutely excited to live my life with my wife. My piece of advice: always apologize. Every fight, the other person isn't mad for zero reason at all. I understand if you're in a toxic relationship this isn't always true. But in a healthy marriage, you can find something to take ownership of. I try to remember this when I'm on the defensive and I think I'm 100% right. We could have been screaming 2 seconds ago, but this thought softens me and brings down the temperature so we can actually communicate. And wouldn't you know, sometimes when I dig into it, I was a lot more in the wrong than I thought I was.
Remember your partner is not a mind reader. If you want / need something, vocalize it.
"Adults who are married" Uh, excuse me? As opposed to children who are married?
We talk a lottttttt :) when we see weird situations or tense moments happening on TV or to other people, we talk about how we would react in that situation. How we would each handle it, what kind of support we would need from the other, how our individual strengths and weaknesses would come into play etc etc. It's pretty cool whenever one of those moments actually happens in real life because we've already talked it through and it feels like we’ve got a gameplan already.
Be patiently aware that everyone, including oneself, is constantly influenced by long-past, childhood, etc., experiences, training by parents, past relationships, current conflicts at job, so maintain mature attitude, and be open and interested humbly to helpfully discuss such matters---so, accept differences as to values/politics...keep aware of the prime importance of the relationship itself.
My two cents (24 yrs married) is spend time together when you're both sick. We had influenza A at the same time and let me tell you that you know you truly love your spouse when you get your high fever self out of bed to go make them soup and ginger ale. He got better faster than I did so he then took care of me got me meds and food, ect. It definitely brought us closer.
Been married for 28 years. My advice 1. Listen and don't dismiss the other person's feelings even if you disagree 2.Whoever gets home first makes sure you welcome the other person home with a hug. You don't have to talk just a hug. And 3. Most importantly always recognise that neither of you are perfect. Apologise when you're wrong , realise that when the other one hurts you it's almost always going to be a mistake they aren't out to get you and NEVER EVER keep a record of wrongs. Move on and forgive.
What a sweet article, and I love the comments. My parents' marriage was horrible so it's good to get some positive advice for mine.
Honestly my best piece of advice is to do the things you can to make your partners life easier...both of you. If you just stop and think what can I do to help my partner or show my partner that I care, even if it's one thing a day it means so much. I've been with my spouse 23 years. I see so many people making life more difficult for their husband or wife. The cheat code is that a partnership should ease the burden and not add to it.
I think I owe my ex an apology. Going off this list, I was a s****y girlfriend.
Telling that to the ex, without expectations of anything in return, might be valuable for both of you.
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I've been happily married for 25 years. After being dumb kids we learned early on that we're partners in life, not competitors. We're both on the same side and need to treat each other as such. If we have a problem we talk about it reasonably. If we have a question we ask, knowing that the other won't jump to being defensive because they're being attacked. We have fun and spend time together and do our best to not get in a rut. And most importantly, we respect each other and have each other's backs. It took some learning and mistakes to get here (and we had to grow up), but it's been a wonderful life with the best person I've always dreamt of spending my life with
Oops. Only the first line of the text is showing. People have been complaining but nothing is changing. I don't know why other people can read it and some can't.
Load More Replies... Another bewildering title from BP, just odd they would specify adult who are married. Children shouldn't marry. It's not an incorrect title, just weird. Update: now it's People who are married. Good change.
Communication is so important. A good partnership is all about great communication
I would say THE most important thing, because everything begins with honest and full communication. Partners aren't mind readers.
Load More Replies... Our 7th anniversary is coming up and I'm absolutely excited to live my life with my wife. My piece of advice: always apologize. Every fight, the other person isn't mad for zero reason at all. I understand if you're in a toxic relationship this isn't always true. But in a healthy marriage, you can find something to take ownership of. I try to remember this when I'm on the defensive and I think I'm 100% right. We could have been screaming 2 seconds ago, but this thought softens me and brings down the temperature so we can actually communicate. And wouldn't you know, sometimes when I dig into it, I was a lot more in the wrong than I thought I was.
Remember your partner is not a mind reader. If you want / need something, vocalize it.
"Adults who are married" Uh, excuse me? As opposed to children who are married?
We talk a lottttttt :) when we see weird situations or tense moments happening on TV or to other people, we talk about how we would react in that situation. How we would each handle it, what kind of support we would need from the other, how our individual strengths and weaknesses would come into play etc etc. It's pretty cool whenever one of those moments actually happens in real life because we've already talked it through and it feels like we’ve got a gameplan already.
Be patiently aware that everyone, including oneself, is constantly influenced by long-past, childhood, etc., experiences, training by parents, past relationships, current conflicts at job, so maintain mature attitude, and be open and interested humbly to helpfully discuss such matters---so, accept differences as to values/politics...keep aware of the prime importance of the relationship itself.
My two cents (24 yrs married) is spend time together when you're both sick. We had influenza A at the same time and let me tell you that you know you truly love your spouse when you get your high fever self out of bed to go make them soup and ginger ale. He got better faster than I did so he then took care of me got me meds and food, ect. It definitely brought us closer.
Been married for 28 years. My advice 1. Listen and don't dismiss the other person's feelings even if you disagree 2.Whoever gets home first makes sure you welcome the other person home with a hug. You don't have to talk just a hug. And 3. Most importantly always recognise that neither of you are perfect. Apologise when you're wrong , realise that when the other one hurts you it's almost always going to be a mistake they aren't out to get you and NEVER EVER keep a record of wrongs. Move on and forgive.
What a sweet article, and I love the comments. My parents' marriage was horrible so it's good to get some positive advice for mine.
Honestly my best piece of advice is to do the things you can to make your partners life easier...both of you. If you just stop and think what can I do to help my partner or show my partner that I care, even if it's one thing a day it means so much. I've been with my spouse 23 years. I see so many people making life more difficult for their husband or wife. The cheat code is that a partnership should ease the burden and not add to it.
I think I owe my ex an apology. Going off this list, I was a s****y girlfriend.
Telling that to the ex, without expectations of anything in return, might be valuable for both of you.
Load More Replies... I've been happily married for 25 years. After being dumb kids we learned early on that we're partners in life, not competitors. We're both on the same side and need to treat each other as such. If we have a problem we talk about it reasonably. If we have a question we ask, knowing that the other won't jump to being defensive because they're being attacked. We have fun and spend time together and do our best to not get in a rut. And most importantly, we respect each other and have each other's backs. It took some learning and mistakes to get here (and we had to grow up), but it's been a wonderful life with the best person I've always dreamt of spending my life with
Oops. Only the first line of the text is showing. People have been complaining but nothing is changing. I don't know why other people can read it and some can't.
Load More Replies... Another bewildering title from BP, just odd they would specify adult who are married. Children shouldn't marry. It's not an incorrect title, just weird. Update: now it's People who are married. Good change.
