Pew Research Center has recently analyzed government data and found out that millennials are taking a different path in forming, or rather not forming, families. Millennials are less likely to live with a family of their own than previous generations were at the same stage of life.
We can safely say that marriage is not the trendiest thing among 23-38-year-olds right now, and given that, it’s only fair how little we know about what it is like to form a family unit. So when someone asked married folks “What's something you wish unmarried people knew?” on r/AskReddit, it immediately turned into an illuminating thread.
The honest answers can seriously change the way you think of marriage, finally showing how incredibly hard, yet rewarding navigating married life can really be. Have some thoughts to share? Hit us in the comments below!
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Be honest always! Once you break trust, you never really get it back. Even if that honesty might cause some momentary discomfort, in the long run, you’re better off because your spouse will trust you.
Liking your partner is just as important if not more than loving them.
Having kids is NOT REQUIRED.
My wife and I are having loads of fun just being together. Don't need kids to be happy.
It's about personal yet mutual desire. The two of you must agree about having or not having any. Both my husband and i wanted kids. We have a great 2 years old boy. And we're expecting a girl for novembre. And we're very very happy to have kids. We did waited over 8 years into the mariage before trying to get pregnant. Because we wanted to make sure we are fully ready to welcome a child in our life. But never impose such a big thing unto your partner. If either one of you doesn't want any, and the other one really do, the relationship should be rethink. You should comprimise because the entire life of your child is at stack.
To find out what experts have to say about the biggest misconceptions when it comes to marriage and how the pandemic has affected them, Bored Panda reached out to Natalie Maximets, a certified life transformation coach at “Online Divorce.” “Based on my experience working with couples, I will name the 3 biggest misconceptions about marriage,” Natalie said and added that the first is "the children will save the marriage."
Getting married will NOT help solve any issues in your relationship.
Only the couple sets the rules of what their marriage is.
Not your mother, not your friends, not tv...just you.
That actually applies to all relationships.
Talk to your partner before you make decisions. I can’t even tell you how much s**t I get from my single friends when I tell them I’ll 'check with my husband' before agreeing to do something, but usually it’s just to make sure we don’t have something else going on that I forgot about. It’s not asking permission, it’s being considerate of your partner. It’s especially true if you have kids. No, I don’t ask my husband to 'babysit,' but it would be pretty s**tty for me to just say, 'Oh, hey, I’m going out tonight. Have fun with a couple of toddlers by yourself and with no notice!' And he treats me with the same respect.
“There is still a belief that a couple needs children to be happy. Without them, the family is incomplete. But no, that's not true. Many spouses struggle with relationships and have children in the hope that they will save their marriage,” Natalie explained and stated that “no one will save your marriage except yourself.”
“Moreover, children are a huge responsibility that requires substantial financial, physical, and moral resources,” she continued. “If a marriage has problems, then having children, unfortunately, will only exacerbate them.”
My wife is my favorite person in the whole world, even after 17 years of marriage and 5 kids. I like her more than I like you, so don't expect me to take your side.
Have things you enjoy doing with your spouse that don't involve sex. The most stable marriages are ones where you and your spouse could be friends if you weren't married. Goes for dating, too, IMO.
that is absolutery true. But also have some hobbies outside the marriage, it's also nice to do things separately once in a while.
I would urge people to consider a low-key wedding. My wife and I eloped, and as far as I can tell, all we missed out on was months of stressful planning, spending an obscene amount of money, and the existential nightmare of having to stand up in front of everyone you know and tell your partner how you feel about them. It was intimate, precious, and the best day of my life, and we didn’t even have to bankrupt our parents for it.
exactly, why put yourself knee deep in debt for a single day that could easily be enjoyed without the excess drama and money
According to the life transformation coach, having children to save a relationship is very selfish. “Since the solution to your problems lies with you two, no one can influence them, except for the husband and wife. According to numerous studies, children born in problem marriages have significant psychological trauma that they carry with them throughout their lives.”
Natalie insisted that children are a gift, not salvation. “They can reveal their talents and gain strength only in a loving family, where both parents respect and care for each other.”
Once the butterflies go away, it's your job to create butterfly moments.
Read up on (or check YouTube) for the "five languages of love". We luckily intuitively got it pretty right for the first 8? Years, but learning about this concept was a game changer nevertheless. Greatly helps with "honeymoon phase gone", communication, "doesn't appreciate me anymore", feeling lonely in marriage,.. At least 2/3 of the advice here gets covered I'd say
It's totally okay to sleep in separate beds or even separate rooms if that's what works for you. I am not going to be a good partner if I only get four hours of sleep because I was listening to him snore all night, or if jobs require different sleeping schedules and you take a while to get to sleep.
With you 100%. My wife and I will either sleep together (if we're not working in the morning) or I sleep in the 2nd bedroom, to ensure that my wife gets a good night’s sleep, without me snoring or being a starfish in bed., or if either of us are sick.
Getting married doesn't mean you're never going to feel lonely again.
The second misconception, according to Natalie, is "until death do us part." She explained: “Not so long ago, life expectancy was 30-40 years, and one could die from a mild cold. There were many chances of dying, so the marriage vow was very acute.”
“But the world has changed significantly. The development of medicine and technology has significantly increased the duration and quality of life. Now it's okay to get married more than once.”
Please pay attention to the red flags. The ones you ignore at the beginning are the ones that will tear you up at the end. Don’t marry because you love feeling loved, make sure you love them too
If love is a one way street, it becomes a dead-end street very soon.
I have been married over 30 years. I would estimate only 25 of those years has been happily married. There will be s**tty times possibly years. Wait it out unless it's abuse. People are often unhappy at work or something like that and leave their partner instead of dealing with the true problem. Your spouse should be the one you lean on to get through the outside noise not the first one you blame.
Communication may be key but comprehension is the entire treasure chest.
If you find yourselves upset with each other, one or both people may irrationally feel attacked by the other, especially if there is some emotional baggage from an earlier relationship. It is vital to make it clear you are not your partner's enemy. Say it out loud if you have to. It can make all the difference in whether they listen to you.
“Sadly, many married couples continue to hold on to an outdated vow, making each other's life hell,” she said and added that “I do not see anything wrong with people being in one marriage all their lives. It's great when you develop together, share your interests, have common goals, and have a generally harmonious relationship.”
“But when the spouses cannot stand each other, and their home is filled with scandals, abuse, and humiliation, why endure all this?” Natalie said that even if people fell madly in love with each other and got married some time ago, as time passes, their interests, preferences, and outlook on life change. “They can become indifferent to each other,” she explained.
Live together for at least a year before getting married.
Talk about whether you want kids or not before things get serious.
Finances are something you manage together. It isn’t something you cede to one spouse for whatever reason. I say this as someone who had to teach my dad how to use an ATM and the online banking site after my mom died.
It’s your relationship. It’s something that belongs to you two. No one else.
Adult up. Both partners need to take in the mental load of managing the house.
My husband and I were very sure they we didn't want more children (I already had two). A few years later that changed for both of us so we now have two more. What you want to start with can change and you have to be prepared for that.
Being married 20 years, I'm guilty of it sometimes too, but being in a long-term relationship like that just makes you an expert on your own relationship. Not on relationships in general. We can sometimes forget that just because it works well in our own life doesn't necessarily mean it will work for others. When you're a young couple, dozens of older couples are going to tell you what works for them. The best thing to do is understand that it's coming from a place of caring, and some of it will be good advice, but you've got to just find what works for you.
Just because your parents were a happily married couple for over 70 years, doesn't mean that the way they managed the household and relationship will be the key to your happy marriage. Times change and so do people, culture and economy. Trying to live now like the people in the 1950s did, is a sure way to get broke, homeless and divorced.
Natalie reminds everyone that it’s important not to make your marriage a routine. “It is much better to thank each other for everything beautiful between you, part peacefully, and take your separate roads to find something that really ignites you,” she explained.
Fights/quarrels will happen, but nowhere near as frequently as media makes it out to be. My wife and I are so tired of shows and movies saying "we're married so of course we're going to fight. We have lots of fights ahead." Fighting is not a norm of being married. If you're fighting a lot, that's not good and isn't a sign to get married just because fighting is "inevitable", because it's not.
Decide whether a fight is worth having. If it doesn't matter tomorrow, does it really matter today?
Your spouse is going to change. They will not be the same person you married 2, 5, 10, 20 years ago. Then once you've learned that, they will change again. Just like you will evolve and change as time goes by.
Don't be keyed in on the idea of the person you married on your wedding day. You need to understand how to grow with them and love them for who they are at that moment.
Sometimes you need to "break up with them." My wife and I went through a rut around our 7th year of marriage. We had become completely different people and we needed to find a way to fall in love again.
I had to forget everything I knew about the woman that I married and get to know this "new" woman that was next to me. Our hobbies and interests have changed and so I had to take the time to get to know those things about her. Our spiritual beliefs had changed. I had to open myself up and learn about her new journey to find herself.
Marriage is an ever adapting and evolving relationship. It's a ton of emotional work but if you can let go of your preconceptions of that person a
And the third misconception is that "marriage will save you from loneliness." “This is one of the most common misconceptions among people with codependency. They think that another person will fill their inner void. But this is not true. You cannot run away from yourself,” she said.
“When someone gets married, they hope their partner will be there all the time. But it is physically impossible. Only you can fill your inner emptiness. And in such a situation, it is best to deal with your internal problems and loneliness before getting married,” Natalie concluded.
Marry your friend, not your lover. Be friends first, then lovers.
Also - both should put more in than they take.
"both should put more in than they take." Ignore that. A relationship isn't a give and take contest. You do not measure each others contributions. If your relationship is good you don't need to prove yourself. The way you treat your partner and what you do for or with them should be all they need to know you love them.
The 'dating phase' of your life never ends, if you're doing it right.
You are planning to be together FOREVER. Let your partner go hang with their friends without you occasionally. I knew a couple who had been together for years and husband wanted to go skateboarding with his friends. Wife wanted to sit at home watching tv and told him he “wasn’t allowed” I thought that was absurd. If he’s doing it every day. Sure. But once in a while?
That being said, if hyper codependency is your bag, go for it. But make sure you know it’s your partners bag too. Yknow?
THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO COMMUNICATE ABOUT EVERYTHING, AT ALL TIMES!!!
If you don't, prepare for the eventual divorce. Communication is key.
Took me a long time to figure that one out, marriage improved enormously. Been married 14 years and counting.
Go on a road trip together. Travel together before marriage. Close quarters and tough situations will give you insights into who that other person is.
In light of the recent death of Gabby Petito and disappearance of her fiancé I’m not sure I would follow this advice. Maybe go to safe places where the toughest situation is who’s gonna tell the hotel clerk there are bedbugs and you want new bedsheets.
Do not rush into marriage, and make sure you have multiple serious talks about everything (few examples: religion, family, friends, goals for near future, goals for future, plan for kids, lifestyle, housing, retirement.)
The reason I say multiple talks is because people grow or change the longer they are with each other.
Choose someone you like as a person and whose company you genuinely enjoy. Don't just choose them because they are cute, sexy, wealthy, tick all the boxes you have in your head about what a partner should look like.
You will spend a LOT of time with the person you marry. When you come home from a hard day at work, when you are sick, family gatherings, holidays, vacations, down time, I just wanna chill moments, weddings, funerals, dinners, breakfasts, for about 60 years if you are lucky...
That is a long .ss time. You better enjoy their company.
Tldr: if you can't stand the idea of sharing 5x52x60= 15600 meals with a person, don't marry them.
Similarly, in light of recent events, you should ask yourself if you won't mind spending lockdown with that person. I was astonished at the number of people complaining about having to be with their spouses, implying that work for them is an escape from the family. It made me really sad. For me, lockdown just confirmed that I have the right partner :-)
Love is a choice, not a feeling.
I get what you're trying to say here, but soo much damage is done by people thinking someone else should just choose to love them. You simple can't choose who you love. I think this is better expressed as love is an action as well as a feeling - you have to be loving, let them know by what you do.
You marry a family. Even if your partner has mostly severed ties with their biological family and has set clear boundaries, and even if you think you love your partner’s family and they’re amazing. Your spouse's family is not going to do things the way you and your family do, but now you have a certain amount of responsibility for this extended family. And even when you have an amazing relationship with your partner, their family will sometimes affect your relationship. Pay attention to the family you are marrying into.
My wife’s family have never liked me but the feeling’s mutual. I love the fact that they repeatedly tried to split us up but it just brought us closer together. (My wife’s not that keen on her family either - probably why we live 100 miles away and see them about once a year 😎)
It’s okay to use separate blankets. No one likes to wake up with cold ass cheeks because the other person “stole” the blanket!
When you get married it is now you and your partner vs the world. You are vowing to value your partner above everyone and everything else. This doesn't mean you can't have friends. It means that if your partner needs you and your friend needs you at the same time you default to your partner. End. Of. Story.
And never stop talking to one another. Schedule time to sit down and talk about important things, goals, finances, plans for the week. Whatever works. Just keep talking.
This is a good one. Some have a problem about choosing between spouse and friend/relative. It's important to let your so know you are committed 100%. And talking doesn't mean discussing only important things but chit chat can be fun. Don't lose your sense of humour, be goofy together.
Marriage can’t always be 50/50. People have hard days and can’t always manage everything. Some days might be 60/40 and others might be 20/80. Some days you’ll need more help and other days your spouse will need support. Part of being married is being there for the other person when they can’t be there for you on occasion.
If the marriage becomes a permanent state of 80/20 then things need to change, but no marriage involves two perfect people who never have a hard day.
Exactly. It took me a long time to understand this because I was raised with the mentality that if you dont do 50-50 you "arent equal or a feminst". No, things need to be all proportional. For example if I earn 1000 euros a month and he earns 3000 it makes sense that we dont pay the same ammount for rent or other expenses. If he is unemployed and I can afford paying it all or almost all then I should.
An issue is expecting your spouse to be your everything. It is a balance. You should be able to talk to your spouse about anything but be careful about using them as a therapist. It puts too much emotional burden on them.
Don’t settle. Marry someone you can love when they’re hard to love. Marry someone who can argue in a healthy way. Marry someone who never makes you feel bad for being the way you are, even if they disagree with what you’re doing or saying.
It’s normal to be home at the same time and not interact. There are plenty of times where I’m in one room watching a show and my husband is in another room watching a different show.
Yes! I love, that we can be together and also "next to each other", doing different things, don't need 100% attention of one another. It is just better to tell the second one "I am going to read/listen music...etc" so they know you are not paying attention and may not hear if they would say something..
Know that whatever the darkest part of your life you’ve previously experienced was, you're probably going to go through something equally dark, but with your partner. Having someone who will support you rather than leave you in that moment is pivotal.
Before my wedding, a friend shared this wisdom: When you marry someone, you are not only marrying the person standing before you today, but also every future iteration of who they will become.
People still need friendships and other relationships outside of just with their spouse. They can't take care of every emotional need you have. I've known many people who ignore those outside relationships when they get married and later regret it.
You need a life outside or beside the marriage. It's important to go out with your friends so now and then without your so. Also, a sports club, hobby or whatever that you enjoy with others. It also charges your battery and because you do other things you can actually have fun talking about it (chit chat).
It requires both to make it work
You can do everything right and it can still fail.
Being true to yourself throughout the relationship allows you to be kind to yourself regardless of success or failure.
Never color your wife poorly to your friends or family ever. What ever frustrations you have with her are yours to sort out with her. If you need to "vent" pick a neutral disposable third party like a therapist some one who you keep in touch with but is completely removed from your daily weekly monthly life. The farther the better. Your Indonesian childhood pen pal is perfect.
The years from when you have kids until the last one is in school are the absolute toughest. Your marriage will suffer. You are responsible for the most minute details of their existence, plus taking care of yourself, plus work. Marriage, at this point, doesn't stand a chance. But, don't give up.
I'm not saying that all marriages are destined to last, but I don't know anyone who didn't consider divorce sometime during that period. If you both can stick with it, it likely will get better.
Advice my dad (married 32 years at the time) gave to my newlywed cousin: “no matter what, just keep ooooon smilin’!”
Folks, do not, I repeat, DO NOT do this! If your relationship gets to the point where you have to pretend to be happy in order to keep your partner from escalating the bulls**t, you need to get the f**k outta dodge.
I'll cry when I am sad, and I will smile when I am happy. Wearing a "mask" that does reflect my internal state, I believe will do no good. It is just to sweep the problems under the roug, until the pile is too big to hide and it will all tumble over in a complete mesh. Forced fake smiles are like lying to your partner, saying that things are "fine" when they obviously are not. It is true, to a certain that degree, that you recieve what you send out, so you are more likely to recieve a smile that will brighten up your world a little if you smile yourself, but don't stretch the elastic band too much. When you can no longer recognize your feelings in a smile, you have gone too far. People are very good at picking up fake smiles and will know that you are trying to trick them, so it will end up backfirering.
Attraction comes and goes, but staying committed through it will really help you feel accepted and loved. Often the attraction differential doesn't kick in during dating.
Good advice, remembering that you shouldn't engage in a romantic relationship if there isn't any attraction. It's better to just go the friendship route rather than to try to force something.
It’s your marriage and nobody else’s business. Don’t ever judge the success or failure of your marriage by what other marriages APPEAR to be.
I wasn’t a good partner until I got my own [stuff] figured out.
I saw something the other day that reinforced one of my core beliefs about marriage. It was some anecdote about a guy explaining why he goes after married women … “when you go after a single woman it’s you vs. every man that woman meets. When you go after a married woman it’s you vs one guy.” Which is kinda funny but also disturbingly true. Anyway, my core belief about marriage is to never stop dating your spouse. Neve stop flirting, never take your relationship with them for granted.
It’s a lesson that I had to learn the hard way at a young age but has helped me build an incredible marriage with a gorgeous woman way the hell out of my league.
THIS!!!! honestly some people change for the worst as the relationship gets older
It's not really that hard to compromise if you actually love the other person because their happiness fuels yours.
This is only valid if your partner loves you too. Otherwise, it is a one-way road.
Trust is a verb, not a state of being. You have to be mindful of it, to trust each other.
Nobody is right 100% of the time.
True love does not die but it does change shape a lot. And then it changes again.
Today is our 29th anniversary!
Even though you get married, your relationship will keep evolving. You might not be in that "honeymoon" phase of in love, but you still love and respect the person that you are with.
Both of you will change as people as the relationship gets older, but that's not a bad thing. Life is change.
Marry someone with a kind heart, don’t marry anyone with a bad temper. I married both types in separate marriages so I know.
Don’t listen to people who simply respond “Don’t do it”. Just because they had a s**tty marriage doesn’t mean you will. Chances are they are the cause of their s**tty marriage but now think the concept of marriage is flawed when really it’s just bc they were a bad spouse.
On the other hand, love makes blind. This is especially true in the first phase where homones are hacking you brain and making your partner look like the most perfect human being on the planet, which is rarely the case. If your friends are honest enough to point out some red flags, it may be a good idea to listen to them, as they may be able to spot something from their more distant vantage point that you cannot see while being smack down in the middle of it all. If they have been married and you have not, it is likely that they have a better grasp of what marriage also is, than a young person who sees the world through rose glasses. When they feel that it is nessesary to say something that might pop your comfortable buble they are likely doing so because they are trying to spare you a lot of regret later down the road. Don't marry your first fling after a short period, but listen to those who says that you really need to know the person in all facets of life before comitting.
This is from my mom, she said that she wished that she knew my dad and his parents more before she married him, and that if she did she wouldn’t have married him 100%. Getting married to my [jerk] of a dad was one of her worst life decisions ever.
Sometimes people hide part of themselves. My father after he married my mother started sulking. He even did it with his children. His mother warned mine but she didn't believe her as he hid it too well.
Never stop working at it. Just because you're married means you can go on autopilot. People get bored and when they're bored and dealing with finances and children is when they consider opting out.
Doesn't need to constantly be one ups or new toys. Small notes if your first up and out to work. Flowers or chocolates. Small acts of service have always gotten my partner's engine going.
Just handling some of my house chores when I have a bad day is good enough for me. My husband likes to cuddle sometimes and that works for him. Hang out and watch a movie together, find out what the person likes. I'm not a flower girl, but a back rub is always nice or a foot rub for my husband.
Marriage changes NOTHING, or at least nothing on the surface, yes there are financial and legal hangers but in terms of day to day, nope, nada, nothing. It’s just like things were before.
(I say this because my friends ex wife seemed to think something would change when they got married, was surprised when it didn’t….and then went off the rails till they got a divorce)
Marriage changes many things, not just the legal and financial hangers. It does not change the person but it is a lifelong promise to peg your wagon to someone else and that can have a significant impact. Your opinions on this are drawn from a one sided story of someone experience. You have no idea of the reality of thier marriage.
Marriage is not for the faint of heart. There will be times when you think it's over, but if you're strong, honest and willing to work on yourselves, it can last. But it's a lot of really, deeply wanting to make it work and be willing to leave each of your comfort zones in favor of growth.
Been married 23 years and I want to second the advice given to be friends before lovers. My husband is someone I can laugh with, get drunk with, be honest with, confide in, get annoyed with but most importantly, he's someone I want to be around. Not 100% of the time, but like a really good mate, I enjoy his company. Yes there will be bad times, but whatever life throws at you, you know you have their support which makes it more bearable. There will be arguments too, just as you might have with your best mate, but you can talk it through and learn to forgive each other. More than anything, you grow together and experience life together. That much is invaluable. For me, anyway.
Didn't really see anything about secrets here. They are not a bad thing. I've been married for a long time now. I still don't know everything about my wife. You know the good part? I still find out new things about my wife! How boring would it be to know everything, EVERYTHING about your spouse from day one.
Been married 23 years and I want to second the advice given to be friends before lovers. My husband is someone I can laugh with, get drunk with, be honest with, confide in, get annoyed with but most importantly, he's someone I want to be around. Not 100% of the time, but like a really good mate, I enjoy his company. Yes there will be bad times, but whatever life throws at you, you know you have their support which makes it more bearable. There will be arguments too, just as you might have with your best mate, but you can talk it through and learn to forgive each other. More than anything, you grow together and experience life together. That much is invaluable. For me, anyway.
Didn't really see anything about secrets here. They are not a bad thing. I've been married for a long time now. I still don't know everything about my wife. You know the good part? I still find out new things about my wife! How boring would it be to know everything, EVERYTHING about your spouse from day one.
