Man Refuses To Back Down After Fiancée’s Family Turn On Him Over $700 Coat
Even though most mornings, we throw on our outfits haphazardly, we all have that one piece of clothing that we absolutely love and plan to pass on to the following generations. Whether it’s an old rock band t-shirt or a patch denim jacket, it’s no longer just a part of your wardrobe; it’s a part of you and your legacy.
For redditor SouthRatio7410, it was a cashmere wool coat, which he proudly scored for $100 on clearance. But when he realized that his fiancée lent it to his brother-in-law and he lost it, he demanded generous compensation. The family disagreed, shaming him for wanting to make a profit. Upset with his loss, he turned to the “AITAH” subreddit, asking if what he did was wrong.
There are many rules to clothes-borrowing, like not damaging the item and returning it on time
Image credits: emre keshavarz (not the actual photo)
So when BIL blatantly lost a borrowed coat, its owner billed him $700
Image credits: Prostock-studio (not the actual photo)
Image credits: SouthRatio7410
Before borrowing clothes people should be aware of the etiquette behind it
Borrowing something to wear is a great option if a person wants to save money or has last-minute plans. But as new research suggests, 13% of people admitted to taking a garment without asking first, and one in five never gave it back.
Whether you’re the lender or lendee, sticking to certain etiquette rules will ensure everyone gets the most from the situation and that no one is being taken advantage of.
The first obvious rule is to always ask first. It doesn’t matter what the item is or how close you are to its owner; the best approach is to politely ask for permission (no exceptions!).
Clothing rental app creator Eshita Kabra-Davies advises setting a deadline for when the item should be returned. A person might let them keep it for a few months, or they might need it for a specific occasion relatively soon. Monitoring the time will help keep track of the garment, and it’ll be easier to remind the friend about giving it back if they forget.
Sentimental or precious clothing pieces should be off-limits. Kabra-Davies encourages lenders to think of the worst-case scenario before handing something over. If the thought of losing the item is unbearable, it’s probably best not to share it. She wouldn’t give extremely valuable accessories like watches, real jewelry, or things that can’t be replaced, like a vintage nightdress or family heirlooms.
It should also be a given that the borrowed clothes should come in the same condition they left the owner. That said, specific materials require different care, so some may expect clothing items to be washed, while others may prefer to take them to a dry cleaner they trust, especially if it’s a special piece. In such cases, making it clear in what condition the item should be returned will prevent ruined clothes.
Image credits: Priscilla Du Preez (not the actual photo)
Still, mishaps like spilled wine or lost coats happen
Even when one does everything right – mishaps like spilled wine or lost coats happen. The only way to approach this is to be honest and take responsibility for the damage. On the other hand, the lender has every right to be upset if the piece comes back destroyed or just vanishes.
In such cases, Kabra-Davies suggests finding a resolution that they find appropriate and fair before committing to lending. Depending on the piece’s value, a suffering party can ask to cover the costs of the cleaning or repairing services.
If the item is never to be seen again, sometimes it can be hard to repurchase the same one. Then, the wrongdoer can offer dinner or purchase a store’s gift card in exchange for it. But if the borrower couldn’t afford the piece in the first place, they may be too embarrassed to admit ruining it. Having a conversation about it, understanding their situation, and not pushing for quick compensation can solve the problem.
Those who don’t feel comfortable sharing their valuables or have too much anxiety about letting bad things happen to them can always say no. Denying something can be difficult, but it’s important to not give in to the pressure and be consistent. After all, it’s up to the person to decide what is best for them and their belongings.
Image credits: Jeff Tumale (not the actual photo)
Commenters crowned him as being right
Although a few people were on the BIL’s side
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I'd make the fiance cover the cost since she lent it without your permission.
Exactly, and she knew the original price, she knew it's worth. Did she tell her brother? How can you lend something without permission of you know it's that expensive? Even if it wasn't, it is kind of a personal thing to lend out.
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1) The GF "borrowed" OP's coat without permission. There's a more accurate name for that kind of activity. 2) She made absolutely no attempt to get the coat back. 3) The BIL got drunk and lost the coat, but OP wouldn't have known unless he asked him directly. 4) GF is unwilling to admit that she was out of line, and refuses to replace the missing coat. 5) BIL also refuses to replace the coat. What happens when GF'S brother needs to borrow money? Does GF also feel entitled to "borrow" from OP'S wallet without his knowledge? I think it's time for hard-core boundaries to be set.
First, make it clear that the coat is to be replaced within a certain period, or the matter goes to small-claims court. No discussion. Second, lock up or relocate items of value. Third, break the engagement and get that ring back. She is SO not worth it. Block her and any flying monkeys, change the locks, and live your life minus the drama. If your friends and family ask what happened, tell them. No doubt that family of grifters will spin their own version of events. Funny thing, though: the truth has a way of making its presence known, usually at a very inconvenient moment.
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Don't ignore the red flags when they're waving in your face. Let the fiance go and consider the lost coat as a savings on the wedding and inevitable divorce.
I lost my college scarf, borrowed my wife's because it was convenient (we were members of the same college) and promptly somehow managed to lose that too. I drove 200 miles to go back to the only outfitter that sells them to replace it. It's just what you do. No questions asked.
I borrowed a rucksack from a friend of mine because I needed one ASAP and didn't have the money. My dog chewed it up. Guess who stayed at home for three months after asking my parents to give me all my allowance and birthday money? But yeah. Personally, I would break off the engagement over this. Fiance has zero respect for OP's privacy or property. I simply wouldn't be able to trust her and would probably go through the entire contents of the house to see if anything else is missing.
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Omg! Everything is wrong here! Why on earth she loans other people’s belongings????? The entire family is f****d up. Please run away!
The problem here is your fiancée and her family think your things are their things, to be used and disposed of as they see fit. They don’t want to make you whole because they don’t see a problem. Big red flag.
I am just shocked that anyone commented YTA. Huh? I can only guess that those people are the borrowing without permission types, who themselves take no responsibility for losing the items with an "it's just a coat" or whatever response.
Exactly! The only kind of people that would agree with this nonsense, are the kind of people who would do the same thing! They're also the same kind who begs like crazy to borrow money, but then when you ask for it back, you're being "petty" or "unreasonable". Run OP... RUN!!
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Is gaslighting just what people do now? Dude tried to gaslight OP cuz men supposedly don't get hung up on coats (that was, technically, stolen from him).
He should go steal from the gf's dad in front of him then when confronted throw it right back in his face lol. You know for a fact the pos would flip if HE was the one who had something stolen, broken, and not replaced/reimbursed.
Load More Replies... NTA, but the relationship is over. The GF lent someone else's brand new coat without asking and doesn't see why the OP expects a replacement, plus the reaction of her whole family shows up a very different set of values and a tendency to lie when it's easier. You can't have truthful, adult-to-adult conversations with someone like this, and you can't trust them once you know.
Sometimes ago I bought a coat, good as new, in a thrift shop. It's made of cashmere and alpaca wool, and it costed me only 80 CHF (Swiss franc, it's around 90 dollars). It's the best purchase ever, and I wear it every winter. If someone looses it after lending it, I want that coat back. And buying it new isn't as cheap as I got it. But I wouldn't care. I would want my item back, not the money I invested init.
On what planet do you loan out someone's possessions without telling them and think that's OK??? And then double down on your decision when you loser of a brother gets drunk and loses it? He should NOT marry this woman if that's how her entire family behaves. This won't be the first or last incident when they have no respect for him and try to make him think he's the AH.
Okay. So to recap. Your fiancee (ex?) *stole* your coat. Then gave it to her brother. Who then lost it. Even if you paid $100 for it, the market value of the coat is $700 which is what you'd expect insurance to pay you and the legal system would account for it if they prosecuted her for theft. And I don't use that term lightly. She *stole* from you and is now trying to gaslight you into believe you're the issue here. You need to end this. This is such a huge red flag and she will be doing things like this in the future. This was a major decision she made on your behalf that she thinks you should live with. And when you asked her to account for it, she got dodgy. So, break up, and report the coat stolen. Because it was. The fact that the borrower lost is it immaterial to the original theft. Her attitude alone is extremely off-putting. She literally doesn't care. And worse, she immediately brings her family into your personal conflicts. So many red flags.
This reminds me of when someone drove their car into our parked car. The insurance only gave us a small amount of money because our car is old so isn't worth that much anymore. But there is no way we're able to buy a different second hand car with that little money, even old crappy cars cost much more than that. So we lose lots of money, even though everyone agrees that it wasn't our fault at all. It really sucks.
I hate when I see on court shows that this is the "law". As far as I'm concerned, making you WHOLE, would seem that you would be allowed to get another item EXACTLY like the item that was lost or damaged. Giving someone a fraction of that cost, is very unfair! You're not giving them a "new" item. You are giving them enough to REPLACE the item that was lost/damaged. It's only fair!
Load More Replies... Dump that whole family. BIL lost the coat, he repaces the coat. And since your crappy fiance lent it to him, they can both cough up $350 each since you'll never find that kind of deal again. Get out while you can. Red flags everywhere.
Whether the OP is out $100 or $700, it's a bargain for a red flag of this brightness. His fiancé is a thief , a liar, and an enabler. Her brother is a drunk and/or thief. (I'll bet he still has that coat.) He must keep this family far, far away. He can't change what they are, only his proximity to them.
Probably sold the coat to a mate that liked it.
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I would be really pissed if someone loaned something of mine without asking. It's not theirs they have no right.
No one commented yet on his almost least line of " and intimating he is not a man"?
What kind of comment are you looking for? While I bet on Reddit someone did comment, grammatically there's nothing wrong with that sentence. Intimate as a verb is quite different than as a noun. It does, in fact, mean imply or insinuate.
Load More Replies... What makes people think they can lend somebody else's property without the owner's permission? It's just a coat, but the whole situation shows gf has very little respect for OP's. She also refuses to acknowledge she did something wrong, she refuses to apologise, and she gets other people involved in the situation to support her against OP. So many red flags!
Red flag my man! This chick has NO respect for you or your property. Where the hell does she get off thinking it's ok to give/loan your clothes to anyone because "you haven't worn it for awhile "?!? Then her brother gets so drunk at the wedding he loses it?? She and the rest of her family are gaslighting you because you want the coat replaced. These are very entitled, arrogant sleazeballs. Run as fast as you can away from her and her crappy family!
This isn't him being annoyed about losing a coat, it's about literally everything else. Not asking if the brother could borrow it, the brother losing it, the brother avoiding telling OP that, the g/f accepting $100 instead of replacing the coat, the g/f defending the brother, the g/f calling the parents to get involved, etc etc etc. The YTA people completely missing the point.
I wonder how your fiance would feel if things were reversed and it was her coat that your sibling "borrowed."
Well, if they won't reimburse the cost of the replacement coat, lend something valuable of your fiancees out to a "friend" (does she have any expensive shoes or purses that she loves?) She how she likes it. "Oh you don't like me lending out your s**t without asking? Hmm?" The relationship can end itself from there.
$700 is still a bargain for a cashmere overcoat. All women’s cashmere sweaters I’ve seen start at $100 (US). Way beyond my means, but a bucket list item.
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Go in her closet and donate a item of hers because basically that’s what she did Why didn’t they go buy him a jacket if she is so willing to contribute a 100 now. Definitely Not The AH
Yep, she may have some really expensive shoes or a purse, or even some pricey lingerie, piece of jewelry or something. I guess tit for tat is not grown up, but this OP's girlfriend and family is killing me.
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GF has no respect for you or your things. SHE jump started all of this ish. Red flags 🚩🚩🚩are in flapping in your face. A grown woman doesn't call her daddy to side with her over her man. Sir you have a girlfriend problem NOW. You will have in law problems later if you marry her. Just saying.
Do not marry her. She lent out one of your favorite items w/out asking, doesn't bother to have it returned/replaced & then mocks you for wanting it back/replaced. Then! she uses her family against you. That's beyond immature & disrespectful. Regardless of what you paid, you're not profiting for asking for the cost to have it replaced. She should understand that. -This coat issue is a huge red flag for how she's going to sell you out in the future. Do not marry her.
Sadly you are right. This is going to be his life from now on. Those who say when you're old and lonely remember that it was a coat that put you there are either going by the headline alone or are the same kind of people. I don't normally agree with telling others to break of relationships over one thing, but this is like an iceberg. The coat is just the tip. Make sure you get that ring back!
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I don't get the YTA comments!!! If I buy an expensive laptop on sale and someone wrecks it without my knowledge and consent, I better get my laptop back!!! How would I be supposed to shell other money to replace it when it was not my fault in the first place?! Same with a car or ANY OTHER POSSESION!!!
HARD NTA. He was robbed effectivly. And his fiance in her smug arrogance not only helped the theft but then mocked him for being upset about it. This IS a hill to die on, because instead of asking or even caring at all about his feelings. She attacked, insulted and mocked him. Siding with the theif that she assisted. Sounds like this is her red flag dance.
NTA. Lots of blame to go around here. Fiance allows BIL to borrow coat without OP's permission. BIL is so irresponsible to get stinking drunk and "lose" the coat. Then doesn't even bother to tell OP at the time, nor will "man up" to OP when found out. Doesn't matter how much he actually paid for coat. He found a fantastic deal that he won't likely ever find again. $100? That's NOT replacement value. $700 is replacement value. Fiance is immature in going to her family for opinions. OP should be paid $700 for replacement cost of coat from SOMEONE. Maybe fiance? Then he should sh*tcan fiance and her family. This woman is too immature and her family is too irresponsible to fit with and don't share OP's values. They'll never change. If you borrow something and lose or ruin it, you pay to replace it. It's the right thing to do. I realize it's only money, but if this is indicative of what OP would deal with for the rest if his life, he should cut his losses and walk away.
For the ones siding with the bil and fiance most likely are the type of people who do shady things like they are doing to you You are NTA but your fiance and her family certainly are .. you have a fiance problem and her family is also a problem. The parents who's kids can do no harm even when they are grown adults they take no responsibility for their mistakes. It's not about what the cost costs it's about stealing and lying to you and gaslighting you If you took one of her expensive shoes or hand bag and gave it to someone to use without asking her would she be angry? And then if that item was lost or ruined would she be okay with you throwing a few dollars at her and telling her to get over it ..would that be okay to her ? I seriously doubt it. The point here is SHE STOLE from you She didn't ask you or even bother to tell you. And I'm willing to bet he still has the coat he wants to keep it because he can't afford to buy another one like it. Dump the lying gaslighting thief move on
Lending it to your family without asking your partner for his permission is a big red flag even though he rarely wears it. It's questionable how could she not realize it is precious for him? I would keep my husband favourite outfit in good condition and if he rarely wears it, I would know how much he cherished it rather than because he didn't want it anymore.. If we want to do closet cleaning, we would ask each other first if it's still good to keep or give it away to others
I'm with you, first, and foremost, I'd NEVER lend out anything of my husband's without checking first and I'd expect the same respect from him. What kind of people are these? We were raised that you borrowed something, you bring it back in as good or better condition.
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She would feel differently if you gave $700 worth of her things to some charity without her knowledge, wouldn't she?
OP, if you loaned your sister your fiancee's Gucci or Chanel purse that she won in a raffle that had a $25 entry fee, and your sister lost it, what would SHE say if you handed her $25 and told her to go get another purse?
NTA. Take her one of her FAVORITE things give it to a woman in your family then tell her it's lost See How Fast miss petty changes her tune ...Hey if your fiance does this petty stuff now 😲 what do you think she & the crazies (in laws) will do when you actually marry her It's Not worth your sanity Please do Not marry "miss petty" she can't even admit she IS THE WHOLE reason you are in this mess...
Something I have not seen addressed yet: If this guy gets a similar coat after all the angst, anger, name calling and threats, he’s not going to enjoy wearing it anymore. Part of the pleasure of the first coat was not just the quality, but the reward of gleefully getting a great deal. There is no reward to the second coat. Wearing it will be a reminder of a situation riff with disrespect, distrust, embarrassment, and antagonism. Forget THAT coat, make peace if you want to move on, break up if you don’t. But seek a new coat that also gives you pleasure and consider the search a treasure hunt. A coat like the old one will only be viewed with disdain by your girl, her family, probably your friends as they mentally take sides of ‘who is the a*****e here”.
First thing on your list - replace the girlfriend. Find someone who respects you.
I'd give her the $100.00 back, and tell her to use it to move out. She STOLE from you when she gave your property away, big red flag for your future with her. She obviously learned it from her family, write them all off now before it gets worse. You can also replace the coat, then take them both to small claims court for the cost since they were both at fault for the theft. What you originally paid doesn't matter to the law, only the replacement cost. Get your property back and write this awful family off.
Who borrows a coat, loses it and doesn't immediately admit to losing it and consider having to replace it. "BIL" is much and his family including the fiance/sister are enablers
Life is too short to spend that much energy on a coat. Do ask yourself if you see yourself with this young lady and her family forever lol
I inherited a magnificent coat from my grandfather. Since I paid nothing for it, is "nothing" the amount someone owes me if they lose it? Or if I buy a new car for $25,000 and ten years later (when it's depreciated to a value of $15,000) you borrow and total it, are you going to offer to repay me the purchase price ($25,000) or the replacement price ($15,000)?
Firstly, your fiancee shouldn't have loaned her brother YOUR coat without consulting you. Secondly, if it was me, I'd teach the idiot brother a lesson by demanding he gives you $700, and IF he eventually caved in, THEN I'd give him $600 back. Let him sweat over it first though. He needs to learn basic responsibility and respect for other people's belongings.
I don't even give out people's phone numbers without their permission, I couldn't IMAGINE "lending" out someone's clothes. Let alone EXPENSIVE clothes. He should "loan" his sister some of her things and see how much she likes it. The family thinks he's overreacting about a coat, I wonder what they would think if he called off the engagement.
NTA, but your cousin is for losing your coat and not even having the decency to tell you, and your fiancée is for lending out something that doesn't belong to her. I'd make her pay half, tbh.
I'd be less annoyed over the coat and more annoyed at the attitude of the GF, BIL and their family. There seems to have been very little good faith attempts to replace the coat (none before the guy noticed it missing). And they copped an attitude when he complained that they'd lost a coat he liked. If I was him I'd be flipping it and picking an item she liked that she got cheap (but is now expensive) and loaning it to someone. Then pull the same comment back and see how she takes it.
I have large carefully chosen cherished wardrobe on which no hands should touch except mine or my trusted dry cleaner and tailor. Your coat was stolen. Your girlfriend really feels entitled to rummage through your things to lend out your apparel to her irresponsible brother. My mother never, ever touched my father's clothing. She didn't even launder his shirts. I'm like that because of Dad. WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS SHOULD NEVER TOUCH THEIR MAN'S APPAREL WITHOUT HIS KNOWLEDGE AND PERMISSION. BIL and fiancee owe you an expensive cashmere coat. I'd send you one of mine but I couldn't bare to part with it.
Rarely do those offering other's things for free place economical value upon those belongings because they did not work for them. This man has spoiled his wife and is now complaining to other's about how to handle it, poor SAP deserves it.
Reread the story. Your facts are incorrect. For starters, they're not married. Second, it's not about a coat, it's about boundaries and respecting him enough to "ask" to borrow his coat. Third, the fiance is not being responsible for her actions but chose to gaslight the situation, negotiate for him and then the final blow was to get his future inlaws involved. He needs to run from this whole family!
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First, how do you lose a jacket at a wedding. You're headed home thinking why am I so cold, dunno. Dumb. Did he not call to see if it was still at coat check? I feel like he still has it. Second. If you wouldn't pay 700 for it you can't really expect someone else to. If I borrow a jacket from a friend I know they didn't pay over 300 for it so if it's lost.. They tell me they paid 300 but retail is 2000, no way I'm handing over 2k.Tell me upfront. BIL owes him nothing. GF is the one who took it without permission. Lastly where do you buy brand name stuff at 85% off. Most high end brands have limits as to how discounted their gear can go for.
You can get the odd item that was the last one, like this, and the shop just wants to clear it and bring in new stock so they put a ridiculously low price just to get rid.
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Here come the downvotes, but I'm with the commenter who asks if it's worth burning so many relationship bridges over a coat. The fiancee and BIL screwed up, undoubtedly, and sure, the OP has the right to push it to the line... if that's really what he chooses to do. But especially if the BIL is as low-income as suggested, that will have its own impacts, and the fiancee and her family will draw their own conclusions about the OP's priorities. You can be an a*****e even while being totally in the right.
You're not seeing the bigger picture. This isn't an isolated event. The fiance and brother's beliefs about this particular instance showcase their beliefs about the broader topics involved (ex. stealing, proper repayment, involving parents in a marital dispute, tone/word choice/general treatment of your SO, ect.). And their beliefs about these broader topics will cause similar situations to occur over and over again. That's the bigger picture. And it's the bigger picture that matters, not this specific instance.
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ESH, literally every person in this story. Brother for losing the coat that didn't belong to him, fiance for lending it out without permission, and op for demanding the $700 instead of what he paid. If it was $700, he probably would have bought a different coat. Fiance should be the one replacing it.
Hi, firstly this is the background and how it played out from your perspective. And it does appear that fiancée has erred in lending without your permission and her ensuing take on it! However consider if you haven't tainted the picture over your adamant desire to have "that" coat restituted? A man/person would be atleast somewhat willing to make concessions to his/her fiancée/spouse as some indulgence. Again it all depends on the overall relationship and not this lone transgression.
ESH and this relationship is now over. Cut your losses and go. She does not have your back, basically steals from you, lhides the consequences and calls in her parents to bully you. You are a whiny b***h over a coat. If you loved her enough to have a life together you would be disappointed and move on. It is a coat in a climate where you can rarely wear said coat. Move on until everyone has grown up.
No, he is NOT a "whiney b***h". You seem to miss the point. These people have shown no respect for him or his personal property, and trying to gaslight him in the bargain (as are you). He's smart to buy good things at great prices, and hang on to them. Most importantly, ITS HIS STUFF!!! I'd move on, alright, but from that family. That's not the kind of family I'd want to build a future with.
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Why? You borrow something, carelessly lose it then just shrug your shoulders, do you?
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Yes. Fiancé is a walking red flag and a gaslighting thief. If anything, OP needs to file charges against HER for grand theft. But first, he needs to get his ring back; she might be tempted to p**n it, her nature being what it is.
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f**k BIL, f**k, fiancée, and f**k this whole family. if you don't understand the REAL problem here, iono what to tell you, friend...
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What he asked for is the coat to be replaced. Not what he payed into it. The fact that the replacement is $700 doesn't matter.
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I'd make the fiance cover the cost since she lent it without your permission.
Exactly, and she knew the original price, she knew it's worth. Did she tell her brother? How can you lend something without permission of you know it's that expensive? Even if it wasn't, it is kind of a personal thing to lend out.
Load More Replies... 1) The GF "borrowed" OP's coat without permission. There's a more accurate name for that kind of activity. 2) She made absolutely no attempt to get the coat back. 3) The BIL got drunk and lost the coat, but OP wouldn't have known unless he asked him directly. 4) GF is unwilling to admit that she was out of line, and refuses to replace the missing coat. 5) BIL also refuses to replace the coat. What happens when GF'S brother needs to borrow money? Does GF also feel entitled to "borrow" from OP'S wallet without his knowledge? I think it's time for hard-core boundaries to be set.
First, make it clear that the coat is to be replaced within a certain period, or the matter goes to small-claims court. No discussion. Second, lock up or relocate items of value. Third, break the engagement and get that ring back. She is SO not worth it. Block her and any flying monkeys, change the locks, and live your life minus the drama. If your friends and family ask what happened, tell them. No doubt that family of grifters will spin their own version of events. Funny thing, though: the truth has a way of making its presence known, usually at a very inconvenient moment.
Load More Replies... Don't ignore the red flags when they're waving in your face. Let the fiance go and consider the lost coat as a savings on the wedding and inevitable divorce.
I lost my college scarf, borrowed my wife's because it was convenient (we were members of the same college) and promptly somehow managed to lose that too. I drove 200 miles to go back to the only outfitter that sells them to replace it. It's just what you do. No questions asked.
I borrowed a rucksack from a friend of mine because I needed one ASAP and didn't have the money. My dog chewed it up. Guess who stayed at home for three months after asking my parents to give me all my allowance and birthday money? But yeah. Personally, I would break off the engagement over this. Fiance has zero respect for OP's privacy or property. I simply wouldn't be able to trust her and would probably go through the entire contents of the house to see if anything else is missing.
Load More Replies... Omg! Everything is wrong here! Why on earth she loans other people’s belongings????? The entire family is f****d up. Please run away!
The problem here is your fiancée and her family think your things are their things, to be used and disposed of as they see fit. They don’t want to make you whole because they don’t see a problem. Big red flag.
I am just shocked that anyone commented YTA. Huh? I can only guess that those people are the borrowing without permission types, who themselves take no responsibility for losing the items with an "it's just a coat" or whatever response.
Exactly! The only kind of people that would agree with this nonsense, are the kind of people who would do the same thing! They're also the same kind who begs like crazy to borrow money, but then when you ask for it back, you're being "petty" or "unreasonable". Run OP... RUN!!
Load More Replies... Is gaslighting just what people do now? Dude tried to gaslight OP cuz men supposedly don't get hung up on coats (that was, technically, stolen from him).
He should go steal from the gf's dad in front of him then when confronted throw it right back in his face lol. You know for a fact the pos would flip if HE was the one who had something stolen, broken, and not replaced/reimbursed.
Load More Replies... NTA, but the relationship is over. The GF lent someone else's brand new coat without asking and doesn't see why the OP expects a replacement, plus the reaction of her whole family shows up a very different set of values and a tendency to lie when it's easier. You can't have truthful, adult-to-adult conversations with someone like this, and you can't trust them once you know.
Sometimes ago I bought a coat, good as new, in a thrift shop. It's made of cashmere and alpaca wool, and it costed me only 80 CHF (Swiss franc, it's around 90 dollars). It's the best purchase ever, and I wear it every winter. If someone looses it after lending it, I want that coat back. And buying it new isn't as cheap as I got it. But I wouldn't care. I would want my item back, not the money I invested init.
On what planet do you loan out someone's possessions without telling them and think that's OK??? And then double down on your decision when you loser of a brother gets drunk and loses it? He should NOT marry this woman if that's how her entire family behaves. This won't be the first or last incident when they have no respect for him and try to make him think he's the AH.
Okay. So to recap. Your fiancee (ex?) *stole* your coat. Then gave it to her brother. Who then lost it. Even if you paid $100 for it, the market value of the coat is $700 which is what you'd expect insurance to pay you and the legal system would account for it if they prosecuted her for theft. And I don't use that term lightly. She *stole* from you and is now trying to gaslight you into believe you're the issue here. You need to end this. This is such a huge red flag and she will be doing things like this in the future. This was a major decision she made on your behalf that she thinks you should live with. And when you asked her to account for it, she got dodgy. So, break up, and report the coat stolen. Because it was. The fact that the borrower lost is it immaterial to the original theft. Her attitude alone is extremely off-putting. She literally doesn't care. And worse, she immediately brings her family into your personal conflicts. So many red flags.
This reminds me of when someone drove their car into our parked car. The insurance only gave us a small amount of money because our car is old so isn't worth that much anymore. But there is no way we're able to buy a different second hand car with that little money, even old crappy cars cost much more than that. So we lose lots of money, even though everyone agrees that it wasn't our fault at all. It really sucks.
I hate when I see on court shows that this is the "law". As far as I'm concerned, making you WHOLE, would seem that you would be allowed to get another item EXACTLY like the item that was lost or damaged. Giving someone a fraction of that cost, is very unfair! You're not giving them a "new" item. You are giving them enough to REPLACE the item that was lost/damaged. It's only fair!
Load More Replies... Dump that whole family. BIL lost the coat, he repaces the coat. And since your crappy fiance lent it to him, they can both cough up $350 each since you'll never find that kind of deal again. Get out while you can. Red flags everywhere.
Whether the OP is out $100 or $700, it's a bargain for a red flag of this brightness. His fiancé is a thief , a liar, and an enabler. Her brother is a drunk and/or thief. (I'll bet he still has that coat.) He must keep this family far, far away. He can't change what they are, only his proximity to them.
Probably sold the coat to a mate that liked it.
Load More Replies... I would be really pissed if someone loaned something of mine without asking. It's not theirs they have no right.
No one commented yet on his almost least line of " and intimating he is not a man"?
What kind of comment are you looking for? While I bet on Reddit someone did comment, grammatically there's nothing wrong with that sentence. Intimate as a verb is quite different than as a noun. It does, in fact, mean imply or insinuate.
Load More Replies... What makes people think they can lend somebody else's property without the owner's permission? It's just a coat, but the whole situation shows gf has very little respect for OP's. She also refuses to acknowledge she did something wrong, she refuses to apologise, and she gets other people involved in the situation to support her against OP. So many red flags!
Red flag my man! This chick has NO respect for you or your property. Where the hell does she get off thinking it's ok to give/loan your clothes to anyone because "you haven't worn it for awhile "?!? Then her brother gets so drunk at the wedding he loses it?? She and the rest of her family are gaslighting you because you want the coat replaced. These are very entitled, arrogant sleazeballs. Run as fast as you can away from her and her crappy family!
This isn't him being annoyed about losing a coat, it's about literally everything else. Not asking if the brother could borrow it, the brother losing it, the brother avoiding telling OP that, the g/f accepting $100 instead of replacing the coat, the g/f defending the brother, the g/f calling the parents to get involved, etc etc etc. The YTA people completely missing the point.
I wonder how your fiance would feel if things were reversed and it was her coat that your sibling "borrowed."
Well, if they won't reimburse the cost of the replacement coat, lend something valuable of your fiancees out to a "friend" (does she have any expensive shoes or purses that she loves?) She how she likes it. "Oh you don't like me lending out your s**t without asking? Hmm?" The relationship can end itself from there.
$700 is still a bargain for a cashmere overcoat. All women’s cashmere sweaters I’ve seen start at $100 (US). Way beyond my means, but a bucket list item.
Load More Replies... Go in her closet and donate a item of hers because basically that’s what she did Why didn’t they go buy him a jacket if she is so willing to contribute a 100 now. Definitely Not The AH
Yep, she may have some really expensive shoes or a purse, or even some pricey lingerie, piece of jewelry or something. I guess tit for tat is not grown up, but this OP's girlfriend and family is killing me.
Load More Replies... GF has no respect for you or your things. SHE jump started all of this ish. Red flags 🚩🚩🚩are in flapping in your face. A grown woman doesn't call her daddy to side with her over her man. Sir you have a girlfriend problem NOW. You will have in law problems later if you marry her. Just saying.
Do not marry her. She lent out one of your favorite items w/out asking, doesn't bother to have it returned/replaced & then mocks you for wanting it back/replaced. Then! she uses her family against you. That's beyond immature & disrespectful. Regardless of what you paid, you're not profiting for asking for the cost to have it replaced. She should understand that. -This coat issue is a huge red flag for how she's going to sell you out in the future. Do not marry her.
Sadly you are right. This is going to be his life from now on. Those who say when you're old and lonely remember that it was a coat that put you there are either going by the headline alone or are the same kind of people. I don't normally agree with telling others to break of relationships over one thing, but this is like an iceberg. The coat is just the tip. Make sure you get that ring back!
Load More Replies... I don't get the YTA comments!!! If I buy an expensive laptop on sale and someone wrecks it without my knowledge and consent, I better get my laptop back!!! How would I be supposed to shell other money to replace it when it was not my fault in the first place?! Same with a car or ANY OTHER POSSESION!!!
HARD NTA. He was robbed effectivly. And his fiance in her smug arrogance not only helped the theft but then mocked him for being upset about it. This IS a hill to die on, because instead of asking or even caring at all about his feelings. She attacked, insulted and mocked him. Siding with the theif that she assisted. Sounds like this is her red flag dance.
NTA. Lots of blame to go around here. Fiance allows BIL to borrow coat without OP's permission. BIL is so irresponsible to get stinking drunk and "lose" the coat. Then doesn't even bother to tell OP at the time, nor will "man up" to OP when found out. Doesn't matter how much he actually paid for coat. He found a fantastic deal that he won't likely ever find again. $100? That's NOT replacement value. $700 is replacement value. Fiance is immature in going to her family for opinions. OP should be paid $700 for replacement cost of coat from SOMEONE. Maybe fiance? Then he should sh*tcan fiance and her family. This woman is too immature and her family is too irresponsible to fit with and don't share OP's values. They'll never change. If you borrow something and lose or ruin it, you pay to replace it. It's the right thing to do. I realize it's only money, but if this is indicative of what OP would deal with for the rest if his life, he should cut his losses and walk away.
For the ones siding with the bil and fiance most likely are the type of people who do shady things like they are doing to you You are NTA but your fiance and her family certainly are .. you have a fiance problem and her family is also a problem. The parents who's kids can do no harm even when they are grown adults they take no responsibility for their mistakes. It's not about what the cost costs it's about stealing and lying to you and gaslighting you If you took one of her expensive shoes or hand bag and gave it to someone to use without asking her would she be angry? And then if that item was lost or ruined would she be okay with you throwing a few dollars at her and telling her to get over it ..would that be okay to her ? I seriously doubt it. The point here is SHE STOLE from you She didn't ask you or even bother to tell you. And I'm willing to bet he still has the coat he wants to keep it because he can't afford to buy another one like it. Dump the lying gaslighting thief move on
Lending it to your family without asking your partner for his permission is a big red flag even though he rarely wears it. It's questionable how could she not realize it is precious for him? I would keep my husband favourite outfit in good condition and if he rarely wears it, I would know how much he cherished it rather than because he didn't want it anymore.. If we want to do closet cleaning, we would ask each other first if it's still good to keep or give it away to others
I'm with you, first, and foremost, I'd NEVER lend out anything of my husband's without checking first and I'd expect the same respect from him. What kind of people are these? We were raised that you borrowed something, you bring it back in as good or better condition.
Load More Replies... She would feel differently if you gave $700 worth of her things to some charity without her knowledge, wouldn't she?
OP, if you loaned your sister your fiancee's Gucci or Chanel purse that she won in a raffle that had a $25 entry fee, and your sister lost it, what would SHE say if you handed her $25 and told her to go get another purse?
NTA. Take her one of her FAVORITE things give it to a woman in your family then tell her it's lost See How Fast miss petty changes her tune ...Hey if your fiance does this petty stuff now 😲 what do you think she & the crazies (in laws) will do when you actually marry her It's Not worth your sanity Please do Not marry "miss petty" she can't even admit she IS THE WHOLE reason you are in this mess...
Something I have not seen addressed yet: If this guy gets a similar coat after all the angst, anger, name calling and threats, he’s not going to enjoy wearing it anymore. Part of the pleasure of the first coat was not just the quality, but the reward of gleefully getting a great deal. There is no reward to the second coat. Wearing it will be a reminder of a situation riff with disrespect, distrust, embarrassment, and antagonism. Forget THAT coat, make peace if you want to move on, break up if you don’t. But seek a new coat that also gives you pleasure and consider the search a treasure hunt. A coat like the old one will only be viewed with disdain by your girl, her family, probably your friends as they mentally take sides of ‘who is the a*****e here”.
First thing on your list - replace the girlfriend. Find someone who respects you.
I'd give her the $100.00 back, and tell her to use it to move out. She STOLE from you when she gave your property away, big red flag for your future with her. She obviously learned it from her family, write them all off now before it gets worse. You can also replace the coat, then take them both to small claims court for the cost since they were both at fault for the theft. What you originally paid doesn't matter to the law, only the replacement cost. Get your property back and write this awful family off.
Who borrows a coat, loses it and doesn't immediately admit to losing it and consider having to replace it. "BIL" is much and his family including the fiance/sister are enablers
Life is too short to spend that much energy on a coat. Do ask yourself if you see yourself with this young lady and her family forever lol
I inherited a magnificent coat from my grandfather. Since I paid nothing for it, is "nothing" the amount someone owes me if they lose it? Or if I buy a new car for $25,000 and ten years later (when it's depreciated to a value of $15,000) you borrow and total it, are you going to offer to repay me the purchase price ($25,000) or the replacement price ($15,000)?
Firstly, your fiancee shouldn't have loaned her brother YOUR coat without consulting you. Secondly, if it was me, I'd teach the idiot brother a lesson by demanding he gives you $700, and IF he eventually caved in, THEN I'd give him $600 back. Let him sweat over it first though. He needs to learn basic responsibility and respect for other people's belongings.
I don't even give out people's phone numbers without their permission, I couldn't IMAGINE "lending" out someone's clothes. Let alone EXPENSIVE clothes. He should "loan" his sister some of her things and see how much she likes it. The family thinks he's overreacting about a coat, I wonder what they would think if he called off the engagement.
NTA, but your cousin is for losing your coat and not even having the decency to tell you, and your fiancée is for lending out something that doesn't belong to her. I'd make her pay half, tbh.
I'd be less annoyed over the coat and more annoyed at the attitude of the GF, BIL and their family. There seems to have been very little good faith attempts to replace the coat (none before the guy noticed it missing). And they copped an attitude when he complained that they'd lost a coat he liked. If I was him I'd be flipping it and picking an item she liked that she got cheap (but is now expensive) and loaning it to someone. Then pull the same comment back and see how she takes it.
I have large carefully chosen cherished wardrobe on which no hands should touch except mine or my trusted dry cleaner and tailor. Your coat was stolen. Your girlfriend really feels entitled to rummage through your things to lend out your apparel to her irresponsible brother. My mother never, ever touched my father's clothing. She didn't even launder his shirts. I'm like that because of Dad. WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS SHOULD NEVER TOUCH THEIR MAN'S APPAREL WITHOUT HIS KNOWLEDGE AND PERMISSION. BIL and fiancee owe you an expensive cashmere coat. I'd send you one of mine but I couldn't bare to part with it.
Rarely do those offering other's things for free place economical value upon those belongings because they did not work for them. This man has spoiled his wife and is now complaining to other's about how to handle it, poor SAP deserves it.
Reread the story. Your facts are incorrect. For starters, they're not married. Second, it's not about a coat, it's about boundaries and respecting him enough to "ask" to borrow his coat. Third, the fiance is not being responsible for her actions but chose to gaslight the situation, negotiate for him and then the final blow was to get his future inlaws involved. He needs to run from this whole family!
Load More Replies... First, how do you lose a jacket at a wedding. You're headed home thinking why am I so cold, dunno. Dumb. Did he not call to see if it was still at coat check? I feel like he still has it. Second. If you wouldn't pay 700 for it you can't really expect someone else to. If I borrow a jacket from a friend I know they didn't pay over 300 for it so if it's lost.. They tell me they paid 300 but retail is 2000, no way I'm handing over 2k.Tell me upfront. BIL owes him nothing. GF is the one who took it without permission. Lastly where do you buy brand name stuff at 85% off. Most high end brands have limits as to how discounted their gear can go for.
You can get the odd item that was the last one, like this, and the shop just wants to clear it and bring in new stock so they put a ridiculously low price just to get rid.
Load More Replies... Here come the downvotes, but I'm with the commenter who asks if it's worth burning so many relationship bridges over a coat. The fiancee and BIL screwed up, undoubtedly, and sure, the OP has the right to push it to the line... if that's really what he chooses to do. But especially if the BIL is as low-income as suggested, that will have its own impacts, and the fiancee and her family will draw their own conclusions about the OP's priorities. You can be an a*****e even while being totally in the right.
You're not seeing the bigger picture. This isn't an isolated event. The fiance and brother's beliefs about this particular instance showcase their beliefs about the broader topics involved (ex. stealing, proper repayment, involving parents in a marital dispute, tone/word choice/general treatment of your SO, ect.). And their beliefs about these broader topics will cause similar situations to occur over and over again. That's the bigger picture. And it's the bigger picture that matters, not this specific instance.
Load More Replies... ESH, literally every person in this story. Brother for losing the coat that didn't belong to him, fiance for lending it out without permission, and op for demanding the $700 instead of what he paid. If it was $700, he probably would have bought a different coat. Fiance should be the one replacing it.
Hi, firstly this is the background and how it played out from your perspective. And it does appear that fiancée has erred in lending without your permission and her ensuing take on it! However consider if you haven't tainted the picture over your adamant desire to have "that" coat restituted? A man/person would be atleast somewhat willing to make concessions to his/her fiancée/spouse as some indulgence. Again it all depends on the overall relationship and not this lone transgression.
ESH and this relationship is now over. Cut your losses and go. She does not have your back, basically steals from you, lhides the consequences and calls in her parents to bully you. You are a whiny b***h over a coat. If you loved her enough to have a life together you would be disappointed and move on. It is a coat in a climate where you can rarely wear said coat. Move on until everyone has grown up.
No, he is NOT a "whiney b***h". You seem to miss the point. These people have shown no respect for him or his personal property, and trying to gaslight him in the bargain (as are you). He's smart to buy good things at great prices, and hang on to them. Most importantly, ITS HIS STUFF!!! I'd move on, alright, but from that family. That's not the kind of family I'd want to build a future with.
Load More Replies... Why? You borrow something, carelessly lose it then just shrug your shoulders, do you?
Load More Replies... Yes. Fiancé is a walking red flag and a gaslighting thief. If anything, OP needs to file charges against HER for grand theft. But first, he needs to get his ring back; she might be tempted to p**n it, her nature being what it is.
Load More Replies... f**k BIL, f**k, fiancée, and f**k this whole family. if you don't understand the REAL problem here, iono what to tell you, friend...
Load More Replies... What he asked for is the coat to be replaced. Not what he payed into it. The fact that the replacement is $700 doesn't matter.
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