“Didn’t Know She Was Marrying A Woman”: Devastating Excursion Makes Man Cry, Wife Left Weirded Out
In any long-term relationship, you want to feel like you’re free to be yourself. You don’t want to hide your emotions or feel like you’re being judged for displaying your authentic feelings. If you can’t be your genuine self around your partner, family, or friends, do they really accept you for who you are?
Redditor u/Public_Disaster3760 went viral on the r/AITAH online group after turning to it for some practical advice regarding a very sensitive situation at home. He opened up about how his wife had a very negative reaction to him crying in front of her, and he was unsure how to proceed. Read on for the full story. Bored Panda reached out to the author via Reddit, and we’ll update the article as soon as he writes back.
Showing your emotions is not a sign of weakness. If anything, it reveals your true, authentic self
Image credits: loskyt7 / Envato (not the actual photo)
One man opened up about how uncomfortable his wife got when he cried in front of her during an intensely emotional trip
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: dekddui1405 / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Public_Disaster3760.
Some people still think have a very narrow understanding of what masculinity is
The reality is that even in this day and age and in progressive countries, many men are still pressured to live up to toxic masculinity standards. In many social circles, there are unwritten rules of how a man ‘should’ behave and speak. Not matching those values means that you’re likely to be shunned by the group.
WebMD explains that toxic masculinity can have a negative impact not just on men themselves but also on women and society at large. This set of ideas generally encompasses the idea that men ‘should’ be competitive, aggressive, controlling, tough, take risks, and show no signs of weakness at any time.
According to Verywell Mind, toxic masculinity pressures men to behave in ways that have a negative impact on their physical, emotional, and mental health. In short, these men are expected to strive for power and status while rejecting behaviors that might be considered feminine.
Societal attitudes won’t change overnight. It’ll take years of sustained effort to make a long-lasting impact.
One major issue that toxic masculinity causes is that it discourages men from seeking help for their mental health. This means that some men view serious issues like depression, substance abuse, anxiety, etc. as a sign of weakness. So, they’re less likely to seek out a professional’s advice and tackle the problems head-on.
There is nothing ‘wrong’ with crying: it’s a form of physical and emotional release
Asking for help is never a sign of weakness. Nor is the willingness to take a serious issue and solve it. The only way that you can do this is by talking about your problems and finding ways to be vulnerable. Not just with a therapist but also with your social circle. Vulnerability is what strengthens relationships, not pretending that you’re feeling a completely different way than you actually do.
Another serious problem with toxic masculinity is that it puts dangerous behaviors on a pedestal. Because men are stereotypically expected to be risk-takers, they’re more likely to drink, smoke, and have unhealthy eating habits. And if they find their health suffering, they might be unwilling to let anyone know about it out of fear of appearing weak, making the issue even worse.
Onyx Health stresses that crying can provide a healthy physical and emotional release. When we cry, we produce oxytocin and endorphins, which make us feel good and ease our pain.
On the flip side, when we bottle up our emotions, it leads to physical and mental health problems, including a weaker immune system, a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, and hypertension. A man being told that he shouldn’t cry reinforces toxic masculinity stereotypes when what the person needs is some simple compassion.
The author shared a bit more context once people started commenting on his story to show support
Here’s what some other internet users said about the conflict between the husband and wife
Let's put this straight: your wife is an AH, and no couple counseling can solve that problem. As a woman, I can perfectly get that my husband would cry, it shows he has a heart and a strong compassion. Get rid of her and get someone more humane who will understand you.
The type of man who never cries, or more specifically is unable to express healthy emotion, will often display emotion in other, less healthy ways. It's not a universal truth, but often we will feel fine expressing anger, hate, aggression. But not compassion, kindness, sadness, vulnerability. We don't have to cry to express those emotions, but being able to express them in some form is important.
Load More Replies...
Oh god yes, Divorce as quickly as possible. Crying is fine, it's human not female. And it was about genocide and torture? How is she not crying? This woman has so little empathy it's disgusting. Leave immediately, that sort of thing doesn't get better, it's. Choice she made a long time ago.
I can get not crying, I'm generally a crier but sometimes I just can't, stuff usually takes longer to process emotionally then though. The big problem is her reaction to his crying.
Load More Replies...
Two of my ex-boyfriends have cried in front of me. I hugged them and held them and did whatever I could to help them feel better. Any partner who berates and belittles you for showing emotion is not the right person for you.
I wish I could find a girl like you, who would offer my comfort when I'm hurting.
Load More Replies...
I agree with the commenters who said the wife sounds like a sociopath with no empathy. Humanity has done worse things? It happens all the time?? wtf?
I mean…she might be trying to emotionally numb/distance herself from the horror of that as self preservation and his crying made it harder for her to do…but damn
Load More Replies...
I've spent a night at the emergency ward in an animal hospital with my cat who was in very bad shape, and I've seen three men bawl during that night: my boyfriend, over our cat, a man who probably had to put his dog down and a dad with his wife and child who thought they'd lost their dog in a car accident (when the dog was led into the waitingroom by a vet, alive and kicking). There is no shame in crying and don't let anyone ever tell you there is.
I’m a little scared that she is so emotionally detached from the genocide. This is a big red flag.
WORSE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED?????? Hello? Who the f**k says that about the Khmer Rouge?
To be fair, she may have chipped a nail in the hotel shower. Sooo.../s
Load More Replies...
Wife has a toxic view of masculinity. A spouse should be the one person you can absolutely trust to be vulnerable with, regardless as to whether you have anyone else you trust that much. The brother's comment is a strange one - does he agree that a man shouldn't cry in front of his wife, or is he saying that he suspected that OP's wife wouldn't respond well? Has she been talking behind his back? Lastly, wife's insensitivity to the atrocities was pretty shocking. Who wouldn't be affected to see/hear about those things, or at least understand why others might have a strong, visceral reaction?
What the wife did is comparable to people who take nice selfies when they visit a concentration camp like Mauthausen, Auschwits or Birkenau, just to mention 3 out of many, many such camps. They probably don't feel anything because 'it's got nothing to do with me', 'it's in the past' and 'what's done is done'. They are probably capable of some degree of compassion, but only for those close to them. OP, unlike his wife, feels connected to, for lack of a better term, the human experience: he's part of it. The wife, on the other hand, has a much more limited view of her place in the grand scheme of things. What it boils down to is that they are not compatible because of this difference. It's better to divorce. Therapy won't help them getting on the same page: at best it will facilitate a cease-fire of an unspecified duration.
Wow, did this guy marry the literal Devil? That's one of the cruellest things I ever heard! She wants to be with a guy who doesn't get upset over something as terrible and sad as the murder of small children? Good f*****g jiminy cricket's pyjama bottoms, tell her to go hook up with a robot!
But a robot might still be too emotional for her taste.
Load More Replies...
I wish I was friends with the OP in real life so I could comfort him myself (Fluffy lesbian hugs have healing powers, didn't you know that?) and give his hopefully soon to be ex wife a piece or two of my mind...maybe a piece of my foot...
Fluffy lesbian hugs do sound very nice t.b.h. Has a very comfy vibe to it.
Load More Replies...
Wife without empathy sounds unhealthy as fick! I would not have cried... I would have broke down. The image is in my mind now 😱😱😱... the horror of the human kinds behavior makes me sick. Divorce is ok. She will never get your emotions ❤️
It's fine if you don't cry at a museum about genocide, but if you can't understand why someone would cry, that's got to be a clear sign of being sociopath, if not a serial killer/supervillain/Tory.
Shortly after 9/11, my cousin's husband came home to find her crying at the tv. He couldn't understand why she was so upset. "It's not like you knew any of those people personally." It was quite the wake-up call. She realized she was married to a man who had no heart, and divorced him shortly afterward. OP, this woman has no empathy. Huge red flag. Get out of there, and do it quickly.
The absolute lack of empathy is appalling. Stoicism is ok. It has it's place in some moments of utility but afterwards break down if you need. I internalized a lot of toxic masculinity and when I was younger tried to hide my sensitive nature. I don't anymore and my relationships are much better with clear open communication that respects the reality of emotions. I could not be with someone who could not understand that I'm going to express myself emotionally irrespective of gender. And, c'mon gendering emotions?
lack of empathy like that is usually a sign of narcissism too many men bottle up their emotions because of thinking like hers and dont ever feel they can talk to someone and they end up unaliving themselves. Crying can be good for you letting out all that emotion you are definitely NTA
I have a genetic disposition where I cry laughing and cry in sadness on a hair trigger, it's caused me lots of problems with others judgements and I am a woman. Thing is, I'm kinda proud of it and the other member of my family who had this was my UNCLE. Being told I take after that kind empathic and joyous man is what keeps my spine straight when others have an issue, I have no problem taking after him and nobody in the family or close to it sees it as a weakness on his part or mine. Empathy in a partner is gold, he deserves someone who deserves that level and depth of humanity and she ain't it.
I never used to cry because "men don't cry"! Then after my daughter was born, I realized that holding in emotions is unhealthy. I cried when my daughter was born. I have cried watching movies. I have cried at museums showing man's inhumanity to man. I cried when I was diagnosed with an incurable wasting disease. But sometimes I cry because I am just having a bad day. I will say this: holding back sadness also holds back other emotions. The fact that he could be vulnerable in front of her was a level of intimacy she absolutely destroyed. Let her go find that emotionally unavailable man of her dreams so she can wonder why they don't click.
Im a straight woman and Ive considered it an honour when the men I was with felt safe enough with me to cry. And yes, I say safe because people are taught that men shouldnt cry. Also the fact that her insult to him was to call him a woman shows she also hates her own gender. She has lots of issues.
Honestly, I would be horrified if my husband DIDN’T cry at a place like that. What is wrong with this wife?
Perhaps she has no imagination and can't picture what went on there. No excuse for her behaviour though.
Load More Replies...
DTMFA! DTMFA! What human being isn't shaken to the core by visiting one of the most hellish places on earth? What POS would think less of their spouse for being affected by seeing the remains of a genocide? In comparison, my husband cried when our pet rat died (so did I) and we comforted each other. I can't fathom to question his manhood for having a human emotion even over something as "unimportant" as a little rodent, let alone a place where so much evil and endless human suffering occured.
Oh, and don't ever have kids with someone like her. Don't do this to your children!
Load More Replies...
There's enough cavemen around for her to shack up with, and there's enough humane women around for him, so why stay together?
My dad passed when I (57 gen x) was 13 and I can't recall him ever crying but I did have 2 male family members that did. My dads brother (boomer) and my moms dad. This taught my brothers that crying is not weakness. There is no shame in showing emotions and if a partner can't handle it they are emotionally stunted. . This poor mans wife is an AH.
I've only ever seen my father crying once (I'm sure he's cried more, I just haven't seen it). It was strange to see, yes, but only in the sense of I'd never seen him so vulnerable and broken. I certainly didn't think him any less of a man (if we're using gender stereotypes as a reference in relation to this post).
I made my father cry by being stupid and getting arrested for auto theft. He cried because he was afraid that he couldn't protect me if I were to go to jail. It broke my heart and I straightened my act up quick. I love and admire my father very, very much.
Load More Replies...
I wonder if OP's story could be made as a case study for "Toxic Femininity." All the cliches we women HATE about toxic masculinity, making snarky, ignorant, misogynistic comments about women, or denying women recognition and dignity, seem to be present in OP's wife. Honestly, I would be MORE concerned if someone saw something like those prisons in Cambodia, or the concentration camps in Central and Eastern Europe, and just shrugged it off, or worse. OP is definitely NTA, but his wife sure is.
Ommfg how did I not know about this??? I looked it up on Wiki and now I can't stop crying!!!! They slaughtered 2 million people even the babies!!! 😭😭😭 Man that btch is completely and utterly heartless to the point of being a sociopath. To be right there in the presence of that accursed tree and feel nothing???
I dont even want to know what she thinks is worse than mass baby murder 😬 what a horrible person
Leave her mate, she is someone with little empathy and one that will dictate how you should be to fulfill her fantasy lest you be psychologically assaulted. So like a narcissist I'd suggest. If this is who she is you'll never be happy in the long run. I'm very sorry for you.
Toxic masculinity is a huge problem among men and they often throw around the idea that real men don’t cry. It really sucks when you see a woman think the same on that rhetoric, because it’s wrong. A REAL MAN is in touch with his emotions and knows how to express them in a healthy way. Counseling might help if he doesn’t just want to throw away a marriage, but she needs the counseling for herself more than the OP.
I’d be more concerned that she could go through all that and NOT get upset, that was horrible to read about.
And here I am telling my husband when he's missing his parents to "have a good cry, you will feel better after that."
This is a part of the toxic masculinity thing. And it is so uncommon for men to express themselves it becomes uncomfortable for the so. So I see two ways here: 1- she doesn't know what to do, in several ways. 2- she isn't comfortable with a man expressing emotions. Then nr 2 is the problem.
In 2011, one of my cats died after surgery and related complications. One day, a few days after, I sat in the train, going home from Uni ... and got into crying. The conductor came, asked for my ticket ... of course, he knew me and saw me there every day. That for sure has helped the following issue - I just couldn't do anything else than cry. I'd had fallen asleep on the train (a habit I adopted, thankfully so, independet of time of day, as each way, I could get another 30 min sleep in, which otherwise would have been missing), dreamed about how he slept along my side on my bed, woke up, and all I had in my mind were [cat's name] and "never again". I cried until he just went away... After I had somewhat collected myself, a boy, roughly 14...16, made a comment about what a wuzz I was. It's not my proudest moment, but that AH, I straightened to manners pretty rudely. No serious violence, but a glimpse thereof, ... but, anyway, that crying is among the humans' abilities and, pretty much indifferent to culture and stuff is triggered by similar things, would surprise if it weren't for a somewhat raionally sound reason. Darwin had just as much reason to invent crying like Newton had to invent gravity. Or, a lot shorter: Your genitalia shouldn't determine the flow capacity of your eyes or the use thereof. What reason, at all, could be provided therefore, and not be mendelized off in the male populate, if there was a difference between us in that regard?
I would’ve cried too. That tree bit, I could have gone my whole life not knowing about it. Empathy is not a weakness, it’s what allows humans to connect to each other.
Wife is a sociopath with absolutely no empathy for other living things. One cold b***h, quite frankly, and I hope this guy runs for the hills. That kind of coldness in the face of this kind of monstrous tragedy is scary. He deserves better than that. And no, crying is not a sign of weakness in males or females. it's something we all need to do at some point or other. This marriage isn't salvageable with counselling.
NTA.. divorce her immediately. If have any children now or in the future cannot imagine how she would react with a crying son.
I almost cried reading second hand about what he witnessed. What is wrong with her?!
One of the things I love the most about my SO is how sensitive and empathetic he is. It would be awful to be with someone who thinks that showing emotions is a weakness. This man should run for his life.
ABSOLUTELY NOT! Crying is an emotion. Period. Everyone, including animals show emotion. A man crying shows he's strong enough to show his emotions and be human. Anyone who disrespects a man showing tears for his emotions, cannot be trusted to respect other emotions. These emotions come from our feelings. So thankful to this gentleman who has the capacity to feel the pain of strangers! What a beautiful human being, God bless you, my friend.
Jesus. NTA..Cry, laugh, breakdown, whatever You need to do. The idea that you are less of a person, that you're weak, just because you cried is insensitive and insane. Get rid of her, the whole wife.
She sounds like a sociopath. I am sorry that you had to through this. It seems she will never accept you for who you are ,which is normal person in touch with their feelings . And if you cannot count on your wife's support,who's supposed to be there for you and your partner and half in everything,who can you count on? I don't think therapy will sort this as it seems this is who she is inside.
Good grief...my old man is a very emotional person. Thus, sad things make him cry. But so do wonderful things. I'm the same. I'll cry over music that touches me. I wouldn't change a thing. NTA.
My very macho late husband was the first to cry at movies or anything, where I came from a family where I wasn't allowed to cry. I thought that it was adorable, and was always there with the tissues. Miss him so much.
Yeah, as a woman who was married to an abusive man for 25 years, NOTHING in this world is sexier and more beautiful than a man who isn't afraid to cry. NOTHING. Not chiseled abs, not being 6 feet tall, not fancy clothes, an expensive car, a mansion, buying me tons of expensive gifts and taking me out, not one damn thing in this world is more attractive than a man who shows his emotions. Who is soft and warm and caring and empathetic and tender. If she wants a dman "alpha" male who has a permanent resting b***h face and no empathy, there are planty of the jerks out there for her to choose from. You deserve a woman who loves you for who you are. Not this ise hearted witch.
As a woman, I find it disgusting that you wouldn't comfort someone you love when they're hurting. Regardless of gender. He needs to divorce her.
My ex never cried. When his sister called him to tell him their mother had died ( she had throat cancer)., he got of the phone , told me and went and did the washing up. He couldn't even cry for his mum. He never did. I am a hugger, but he did like hugs so he didn't even allow me to show him support in anyway. He bottled a lot up , caused a bit of a wedge between us. Wish he had show some emotion, just a little. We were wrong for each other, I wear my heart on my sleeve
Crying is a healthy thing to do from time to time and a good way to release pent up emotions, his wife just sucks and I can't imagine someone like that being even a half decent life partner. The comments here elaborate as to why quite well. That being said, wtf are all these weird "Women don't want...." as$holes? OP is hurting and the best things they have for him is c**p like that which only reinforces his wife's s****y view on masculinity? Quality women and quality men want partners who are good communicators that are able to express their feelings. This stereotyping a whole gender (regardless of gender) is getting so cringe and given that its part of the problem OP is having, I can't imagine why someone would reply with it.
If you're in need of an effective and knowledgeable hacker, get in touch with (TRUST GEEKS HACK EXPERT). He is very trustworthy, doesn't waste time on unimportant tasks, and can help you spy on your partner, boyfriend, or girlfriend who is cheating. He can also help you improve your grades, get back money from a romance scam or stolen funds via a cryptocurrency investment platform, and assist you with any hack you can think of. They can be reached via web-site. www://trustgeekshackexpert.com/ & Tele-Gram ID: Trust-Geeks-Hack-Expert . I hope to hear from you soon. WhatsApp-I...37de55.jpg 
If you're in need of an effective and knowledgeable hacker, get in touch with (TRUST GEEKS HACK EXPERT). He is very trustworthy, doesn't waste time on unimportant tasks, and can help you spy on your partner, boyfriend, or girlfriend who is cheating. He can also help you improve your grades, get back money from a romance scam or stolen funds via a cryptocurrency investment platform, and assist you with any hack you can think of. They can be reached via web-site. www://trustgeekshackexpert.com/ & Tele-Gram ID: Trust-Geeks-Hack-Expert . I hope to hear from you soon. WhatsApp-I...bcd0c0.jpg 
The idea that "men shouldn't cry" is as stupid as the idea that "women can't vote".
Your wife is obviously deeply stunted emotionally.. Her ideas are just ridiculous sexism and really really stupid. It would make me sad to be married to someone this stupid.
Counseling, but get an attorney first. Use the counseling have a smoother divorce. Honestly some women (most?) are weird about men who show emotions other than joy or anger.
My ex bf and I both cried in each other's arms when we broke up.. I didn't think less of him, in fact it touched me that he let me see how upset he was, and felt safe enough with me to the emotions.. op's wife is a complete a*s and he deserves better..
Men are allowed to cry, OP felt tge horror of the murder of those children and that was 100% the correct response to that. His wife obviously has issues about men displaying healthy emotions which speaks to her childhood. This toxic masculinity of putting on a brave face is bad and plain wrong - bottling up emotions by not showing emotions is going to blow at some stage and anger and violence is the most common result. His wife needs to sort out her issues and he probably needs a break from her so he can reevaluate what sort of relationship he wants. Hopefully they can work it out because walking away from an otherwise good relationship is extreme
"Children who had nothing to do with you." I think thats the most telling of her non existent empathy. As lomg as it's not a child she knows or cares about then it doesnt matter.
There are so many women who have internalized this aspect of toxic masculinity. And often, they don't even display it UNTIL their male partner cries. They are even often the loudest about wanting a man "who is in touch with his feelings". Usually because they had fathers who decidedly were not. But when they get what they claimed to want, the internalized toxic "ideals" trigger disgust, anger, and disdain - because their male role models growing up were full of toxic "hardness", and at heart, they can't really respect anything else. Anything other than that reads as "weakness" to them, because that's what was modelled to them in their formative years. They're also the women, that when triggered this way, use the word "woman" as a slur, un-ironically.
The cruelty human beings inflict on each other with impunity is one of the reasons I no longer believe in God (at least not the version pushed by religion). Truly, there is no justice in the world except the justice we make for ourselves.
I believe it was in one of the nazi camps they found carved into the wall, "If god exists, He will have to beg forgiveness from Me" (may not be an exact quote, I'm going from memory)
Load More Replies...
I remembered a time seeing my son (upset not mad) crying. I was confused and couldn't figure out what had happened so I asked, and he told me "he doesn't want to die when he gets to 100". My first thought was to laugh because he jokes like that all the time and also because 100 is not a cut off to die, but then I saw he was serious and hugged and comforted him. We had the longest talk and he was ok. We kept that story from his dad because he's the "quiet being soft" and "crying is for girls" type.
Tears are human. It is completely normal for someone, regardless of gender, to shed tears. If OP's wife can't handle that, she needs to pound sand.
Unfortunately, some people just end up incompatible. She is not someone that's going to support OP through the hard times. I hope they end it before trying for kids. I've SOBBED over a disaster I was reading about over the internet! I was caught off guard by a click bait article saying "This woman astonishingly survived!" ... And then mid article they show a distant fuzzy image of her undeniably, very graphically deceased, and a description of what happened. Lost my s**t. I would have to be carried out of a place like where they went. I understand people process differently, but that lady was not raised in a home that healthily processed their emotions. She needs therapy (honestly all of us everywhere do.) and possibly clinical assessments.
If I went somewhere like that with my partner and they WEREN'T clearly near/at the point of tears I would be extremely concerned for them.
Look into Attachment Theory. Your wife sounds like a classic Avoider, someone who was raised in a way that created a core belief that showing emotions is not safe. It doesn't make her an a-hole, it just means she has other ways of showing love. Not saying it's healthy, but if you love her then know she's had some trauma and is going to need support in becoming a person who can trust emotions. Of course, that's IF she is willing to walk that path. Good luck.
Let's put this straight: your wife is an AH, and no couple counseling can solve that problem. As a woman, I can perfectly get that my husband would cry, it shows he has a heart and a strong compassion. Get rid of her and get someone more humane who will understand you.
The type of man who never cries, or more specifically is unable to express healthy emotion, will often display emotion in other, less healthy ways. It's not a universal truth, but often we will feel fine expressing anger, hate, aggression. But not compassion, kindness, sadness, vulnerability. We don't have to cry to express those emotions, but being able to express them in some form is important.
Load More Replies... Oh god yes, Divorce as quickly as possible. Crying is fine, it's human not female. And it was about genocide and torture? How is she not crying? This woman has so little empathy it's disgusting. Leave immediately, that sort of thing doesn't get better, it's. Choice she made a long time ago.
I can get not crying, I'm generally a crier but sometimes I just can't, stuff usually takes longer to process emotionally then though. The big problem is her reaction to his crying.
Load More Replies... Two of my ex-boyfriends have cried in front of me. I hugged them and held them and did whatever I could to help them feel better. Any partner who berates and belittles you for showing emotion is not the right person for you.
I wish I could find a girl like you, who would offer my comfort when I'm hurting.
Load More Replies... I agree with the commenters who said the wife sounds like a sociopath with no empathy. Humanity has done worse things? It happens all the time?? wtf?
I mean…she might be trying to emotionally numb/distance herself from the horror of that as self preservation and his crying made it harder for her to do…but damn
Load More Replies... I've spent a night at the emergency ward in an animal hospital with my cat who was in very bad shape, and I've seen three men bawl during that night: my boyfriend, over our cat, a man who probably had to put his dog down and a dad with his wife and child who thought they'd lost their dog in a car accident (when the dog was led into the waitingroom by a vet, alive and kicking). There is no shame in crying and don't let anyone ever tell you there is.
I’m a little scared that she is so emotionally detached from the genocide. This is a big red flag.
WORSE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED?????? Hello? Who the f**k says that about the Khmer Rouge?
To be fair, she may have chipped a nail in the hotel shower. Sooo.../s
Load More Replies... Wife has a toxic view of masculinity. A spouse should be the one person you can absolutely trust to be vulnerable with, regardless as to whether you have anyone else you trust that much. The brother's comment is a strange one - does he agree that a man shouldn't cry in front of his wife, or is he saying that he suspected that OP's wife wouldn't respond well? Has she been talking behind his back? Lastly, wife's insensitivity to the atrocities was pretty shocking. Who wouldn't be affected to see/hear about those things, or at least understand why others might have a strong, visceral reaction?
What the wife did is comparable to people who take nice selfies when they visit a concentration camp like Mauthausen, Auschwits or Birkenau, just to mention 3 out of many, many such camps. They probably don't feel anything because 'it's got nothing to do with me', 'it's in the past' and 'what's done is done'. They are probably capable of some degree of compassion, but only for those close to them. OP, unlike his wife, feels connected to, for lack of a better term, the human experience: he's part of it. The wife, on the other hand, has a much more limited view of her place in the grand scheme of things. What it boils down to is that they are not compatible because of this difference. It's better to divorce. Therapy won't help them getting on the same page: at best it will facilitate a cease-fire of an unspecified duration.
Wow, did this guy marry the literal Devil? That's one of the cruellest things I ever heard! She wants to be with a guy who doesn't get upset over something as terrible and sad as the murder of small children? Good f*****g jiminy cricket's pyjama bottoms, tell her to go hook up with a robot!
But a robot might still be too emotional for her taste.
Load More Replies... I wish I was friends with the OP in real life so I could comfort him myself (Fluffy lesbian hugs have healing powers, didn't you know that?) and give his hopefully soon to be ex wife a piece or two of my mind...maybe a piece of my foot...
Fluffy lesbian hugs do sound very nice t.b.h. Has a very comfy vibe to it.
Load More Replies... Wife without empathy sounds unhealthy as fick! I would not have cried... I would have broke down. The image is in my mind now 😱😱😱... the horror of the human kinds behavior makes me sick. Divorce is ok. She will never get your emotions ❤️
It's fine if you don't cry at a museum about genocide, but if you can't understand why someone would cry, that's got to be a clear sign of being sociopath, if not a serial killer/supervillain/Tory.
Shortly after 9/11, my cousin's husband came home to find her crying at the tv. He couldn't understand why she was so upset. "It's not like you knew any of those people personally." It was quite the wake-up call. She realized she was married to a man who had no heart, and divorced him shortly afterward. OP, this woman has no empathy. Huge red flag. Get out of there, and do it quickly.
The absolute lack of empathy is appalling. Stoicism is ok. It has it's place in some moments of utility but afterwards break down if you need. I internalized a lot of toxic masculinity and when I was younger tried to hide my sensitive nature. I don't anymore and my relationships are much better with clear open communication that respects the reality of emotions. I could not be with someone who could not understand that I'm going to express myself emotionally irrespective of gender. And, c'mon gendering emotions?
lack of empathy like that is usually a sign of narcissism too many men bottle up their emotions because of thinking like hers and dont ever feel they can talk to someone and they end up unaliving themselves. Crying can be good for you letting out all that emotion you are definitely NTA
I have a genetic disposition where I cry laughing and cry in sadness on a hair trigger, it's caused me lots of problems with others judgements and I am a woman. Thing is, I'm kinda proud of it and the other member of my family who had this was my UNCLE. Being told I take after that kind empathic and joyous man is what keeps my spine straight when others have an issue, I have no problem taking after him and nobody in the family or close to it sees it as a weakness on his part or mine. Empathy in a partner is gold, he deserves someone who deserves that level and depth of humanity and she ain't it.
I never used to cry because "men don't cry"! Then after my daughter was born, I realized that holding in emotions is unhealthy. I cried when my daughter was born. I have cried watching movies. I have cried at museums showing man's inhumanity to man. I cried when I was diagnosed with an incurable wasting disease. But sometimes I cry because I am just having a bad day. I will say this: holding back sadness also holds back other emotions. The fact that he could be vulnerable in front of her was a level of intimacy she absolutely destroyed. Let her go find that emotionally unavailable man of her dreams so she can wonder why they don't click.
Im a straight woman and Ive considered it an honour when the men I was with felt safe enough with me to cry. And yes, I say safe because people are taught that men shouldnt cry. Also the fact that her insult to him was to call him a woman shows she also hates her own gender. She has lots of issues.
Honestly, I would be horrified if my husband DIDN’T cry at a place like that. What is wrong with this wife?
Perhaps she has no imagination and can't picture what went on there. No excuse for her behaviour though.
Load More Replies... DTMFA! DTMFA! What human being isn't shaken to the core by visiting one of the most hellish places on earth? What POS would think less of their spouse for being affected by seeing the remains of a genocide? In comparison, my husband cried when our pet rat died (so did I) and we comforted each other. I can't fathom to question his manhood for having a human emotion even over something as "unimportant" as a little rodent, let alone a place where so much evil and endless human suffering occured.
Oh, and don't ever have kids with someone like her. Don't do this to your children!
Load More Replies... There's enough cavemen around for her to shack up with, and there's enough humane women around for him, so why stay together?
My dad passed when I (57 gen x) was 13 and I can't recall him ever crying but I did have 2 male family members that did. My dads brother (boomer) and my moms dad. This taught my brothers that crying is not weakness. There is no shame in showing emotions and if a partner can't handle it they are emotionally stunted. . This poor mans wife is an AH.
I've only ever seen my father crying once (I'm sure he's cried more, I just haven't seen it). It was strange to see, yes, but only in the sense of I'd never seen him so vulnerable and broken. I certainly didn't think him any less of a man (if we're using gender stereotypes as a reference in relation to this post).
I made my father cry by being stupid and getting arrested for auto theft. He cried because he was afraid that he couldn't protect me if I were to go to jail. It broke my heart and I straightened my act up quick. I love and admire my father very, very much.
Load More Replies... I wonder if OP's story could be made as a case study for "Toxic Femininity." All the cliches we women HATE about toxic masculinity, making snarky, ignorant, misogynistic comments about women, or denying women recognition and dignity, seem to be present in OP's wife. Honestly, I would be MORE concerned if someone saw something like those prisons in Cambodia, or the concentration camps in Central and Eastern Europe, and just shrugged it off, or worse. OP is definitely NTA, but his wife sure is.
Ommfg how did I not know about this??? I looked it up on Wiki and now I can't stop crying!!!! They slaughtered 2 million people even the babies!!! 😭😭😭 Man that btch is completely and utterly heartless to the point of being a sociopath. To be right there in the presence of that accursed tree and feel nothing???
I dont even want to know what she thinks is worse than mass baby murder 😬 what a horrible person
Leave her mate, she is someone with little empathy and one that will dictate how you should be to fulfill her fantasy lest you be psychologically assaulted. So like a narcissist I'd suggest. If this is who she is you'll never be happy in the long run. I'm very sorry for you.
Toxic masculinity is a huge problem among men and they often throw around the idea that real men don’t cry. It really sucks when you see a woman think the same on that rhetoric, because it’s wrong. A REAL MAN is in touch with his emotions and knows how to express them in a healthy way. Counseling might help if he doesn’t just want to throw away a marriage, but she needs the counseling for herself more than the OP.
I’d be more concerned that she could go through all that and NOT get upset, that was horrible to read about.
And here I am telling my husband when he's missing his parents to "have a good cry, you will feel better after that."
This is a part of the toxic masculinity thing. And it is so uncommon for men to express themselves it becomes uncomfortable for the so. So I see two ways here: 1- she doesn't know what to do, in several ways. 2- she isn't comfortable with a man expressing emotions. Then nr 2 is the problem.
In 2011, one of my cats died after surgery and related complications. One day, a few days after, I sat in the train, going home from Uni ... and got into crying. The conductor came, asked for my ticket ... of course, he knew me and saw me there every day. That for sure has helped the following issue - I just couldn't do anything else than cry. I'd had fallen asleep on the train (a habit I adopted, thankfully so, independet of time of day, as each way, I could get another 30 min sleep in, which otherwise would have been missing), dreamed about how he slept along my side on my bed, woke up, and all I had in my mind were [cat's name] and "never again". I cried until he just went away... After I had somewhat collected myself, a boy, roughly 14...16, made a comment about what a wuzz I was. It's not my proudest moment, but that AH, I straightened to manners pretty rudely. No serious violence, but a glimpse thereof, ... but, anyway, that crying is among the humans' abilities and, pretty much indifferent to culture and stuff is triggered by similar things, would surprise if it weren't for a somewhat raionally sound reason. Darwin had just as much reason to invent crying like Newton had to invent gravity. Or, a lot shorter: Your genitalia shouldn't determine the flow capacity of your eyes or the use thereof. What reason, at all, could be provided therefore, and not be mendelized off in the male populate, if there was a difference between us in that regard?
I would’ve cried too. That tree bit, I could have gone my whole life not knowing about it. Empathy is not a weakness, it’s what allows humans to connect to each other.
Wife is a sociopath with absolutely no empathy for other living things. One cold b***h, quite frankly, and I hope this guy runs for the hills. That kind of coldness in the face of this kind of monstrous tragedy is scary. He deserves better than that. And no, crying is not a sign of weakness in males or females. it's something we all need to do at some point or other. This marriage isn't salvageable with counselling.
NTA.. divorce her immediately. If have any children now or in the future cannot imagine how she would react with a crying son.
I almost cried reading second hand about what he witnessed. What is wrong with her?!
One of the things I love the most about my SO is how sensitive and empathetic he is. It would be awful to be with someone who thinks that showing emotions is a weakness. This man should run for his life.
ABSOLUTELY NOT! Crying is an emotion. Period. Everyone, including animals show emotion. A man crying shows he's strong enough to show his emotions and be human. Anyone who disrespects a man showing tears for his emotions, cannot be trusted to respect other emotions. These emotions come from our feelings. So thankful to this gentleman who has the capacity to feel the pain of strangers! What a beautiful human being, God bless you, my friend.
Jesus. NTA..Cry, laugh, breakdown, whatever You need to do. The idea that you are less of a person, that you're weak, just because you cried is insensitive and insane. Get rid of her, the whole wife.
She sounds like a sociopath. I am sorry that you had to through this. It seems she will never accept you for who you are ,which is normal person in touch with their feelings . And if you cannot count on your wife's support,who's supposed to be there for you and your partner and half in everything,who can you count on? I don't think therapy will sort this as it seems this is who she is inside.
Good grief...my old man is a very emotional person. Thus, sad things make him cry. But so do wonderful things. I'm the same. I'll cry over music that touches me. I wouldn't change a thing. NTA.
My very macho late husband was the first to cry at movies or anything, where I came from a family where I wasn't allowed to cry. I thought that it was adorable, and was always there with the tissues. Miss him so much.
Yeah, as a woman who was married to an abusive man for 25 years, NOTHING in this world is sexier and more beautiful than a man who isn't afraid to cry. NOTHING. Not chiseled abs, not being 6 feet tall, not fancy clothes, an expensive car, a mansion, buying me tons of expensive gifts and taking me out, not one damn thing in this world is more attractive than a man who shows his emotions. Who is soft and warm and caring and empathetic and tender. If she wants a dman "alpha" male who has a permanent resting b***h face and no empathy, there are planty of the jerks out there for her to choose from. You deserve a woman who loves you for who you are. Not this ise hearted witch.
As a woman, I find it disgusting that you wouldn't comfort someone you love when they're hurting. Regardless of gender. He needs to divorce her.
My ex never cried. When his sister called him to tell him their mother had died ( she had throat cancer)., he got of the phone , told me and went and did the washing up. He couldn't even cry for his mum. He never did. I am a hugger, but he did like hugs so he didn't even allow me to show him support in anyway. He bottled a lot up , caused a bit of a wedge between us. Wish he had show some emotion, just a little. We were wrong for each other, I wear my heart on my sleeve
Crying is a healthy thing to do from time to time and a good way to release pent up emotions, his wife just sucks and I can't imagine someone like that being even a half decent life partner. The comments here elaborate as to why quite well. That being said, wtf are all these weird "Women don't want...." as$holes? OP is hurting and the best things they have for him is c**p like that which only reinforces his wife's s****y view on masculinity? Quality women and quality men want partners who are good communicators that are able to express their feelings. This stereotyping a whole gender (regardless of gender) is getting so cringe and given that its part of the problem OP is having, I can't imagine why someone would reply with it.
If you're in need of an effective and knowledgeable hacker, get in touch with (TRUST GEEKS HACK EXPERT). He is very trustworthy, doesn't waste time on unimportant tasks, and can help you spy on your partner, boyfriend, or girlfriend who is cheating. He can also help you improve your grades, get back money from a romance scam or stolen funds via a cryptocurrency investment platform, and assist you with any hack you can think of. They can be reached via web-site. www://trustgeekshackexpert.com/ & Tele-Gram ID: Trust-Geeks-Hack-Expert . I hope to hear from you soon. WhatsApp-I...37de55.jpg
If you're in need of an effective and knowledgeable hacker, get in touch with (TRUST GEEKS HACK EXPERT). He is very trustworthy, doesn't waste time on unimportant tasks, and can help you spy on your partner, boyfriend, or girlfriend who is cheating. He can also help you improve your grades, get back money from a romance scam or stolen funds via a cryptocurrency investment platform, and assist you with any hack you can think of. They can be reached via web-site. www://trustgeekshackexpert.com/ & Tele-Gram ID: Trust-Geeks-Hack-Expert . I hope to hear from you soon. WhatsApp-I...bcd0c0.jpg
The idea that "men shouldn't cry" is as stupid as the idea that "women can't vote".
Your wife is obviously deeply stunted emotionally.. Her ideas are just ridiculous sexism and really really stupid. It would make me sad to be married to someone this stupid.
Counseling, but get an attorney first. Use the counseling have a smoother divorce. Honestly some women (most?) are weird about men who show emotions other than joy or anger.
My ex bf and I both cried in each other's arms when we broke up.. I didn't think less of him, in fact it touched me that he let me see how upset he was, and felt safe enough with me to the emotions.. op's wife is a complete a*s and he deserves better..
Men are allowed to cry, OP felt tge horror of the murder of those children and that was 100% the correct response to that. His wife obviously has issues about men displaying healthy emotions which speaks to her childhood. This toxic masculinity of putting on a brave face is bad and plain wrong - bottling up emotions by not showing emotions is going to blow at some stage and anger and violence is the most common result. His wife needs to sort out her issues and he probably needs a break from her so he can reevaluate what sort of relationship he wants. Hopefully they can work it out because walking away from an otherwise good relationship is extreme
"Children who had nothing to do with you." I think thats the most telling of her non existent empathy. As lomg as it's not a child she knows or cares about then it doesnt matter.
There are so many women who have internalized this aspect of toxic masculinity. And often, they don't even display it UNTIL their male partner cries. They are even often the loudest about wanting a man "who is in touch with his feelings". Usually because they had fathers who decidedly were not. But when they get what they claimed to want, the internalized toxic "ideals" trigger disgust, anger, and disdain - because their male role models growing up were full of toxic "hardness", and at heart, they can't really respect anything else. Anything other than that reads as "weakness" to them, because that's what was modelled to them in their formative years. They're also the women, that when triggered this way, use the word "woman" as a slur, un-ironically.
The cruelty human beings inflict on each other with impunity is one of the reasons I no longer believe in God (at least not the version pushed by religion). Truly, there is no justice in the world except the justice we make for ourselves.
I believe it was in one of the nazi camps they found carved into the wall, "If god exists, He will have to beg forgiveness from Me" (may not be an exact quote, I'm going from memory)
Load More Replies... I remembered a time seeing my son (upset not mad) crying. I was confused and couldn't figure out what had happened so I asked, and he told me "he doesn't want to die when he gets to 100". My first thought was to laugh because he jokes like that all the time and also because 100 is not a cut off to die, but then I saw he was serious and hugged and comforted him. We had the longest talk and he was ok. We kept that story from his dad because he's the "quiet being soft" and "crying is for girls" type.
Tears are human. It is completely normal for someone, regardless of gender, to shed tears. If OP's wife can't handle that, she needs to pound sand.
Unfortunately, some people just end up incompatible. She is not someone that's going to support OP through the hard times. I hope they end it before trying for kids. I've SOBBED over a disaster I was reading about over the internet! I was caught off guard by a click bait article saying "This woman astonishingly survived!" ... And then mid article they show a distant fuzzy image of her undeniably, very graphically deceased, and a description of what happened. Lost my s**t. I would have to be carried out of a place like where they went. I understand people process differently, but that lady was not raised in a home that healthily processed their emotions. She needs therapy (honestly all of us everywhere do.) and possibly clinical assessments.
If I went somewhere like that with my partner and they WEREN'T clearly near/at the point of tears I would be extremely concerned for them.
Look into Attachment Theory. Your wife sounds like a classic Avoider, someone who was raised in a way that created a core belief that showing emotions is not safe. It doesn't make her an a-hole, it just means she has other ways of showing love. Not saying it's healthy, but if you love her then know she's had some trauma and is going to need support in becoming a person who can trust emotions. Of course, that's IF she is willing to walk that path. Good luck.
66
104