We all have at least one...
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My mom 98 yrs and I were shopping for slacks. I brought samples to her dressing room and she thought they were all too short in the crotch. As I was going to get more slacks for her to try, she yelled, " and no more pus$y pinchers!". I almost died of embarrassment..
My mom, after having a hysterectomy told me very enthusiastically "The cribs empty but the play pens open!" Followed by her unique loud laugh. Aw mom, no couth on that woman haha😆
I love your mom. I’m old & I need more fun friends. We can hang out & be loud, inappropriate and snort-laugh. I WILL travel if I’ve gotta. 😏 🖖🏻
When I can out as a bisexual to my mom, she said "I don't care if you eat (male anatomy) or (female anatomy). As long as they make you happy, they are good enough for me." I laughed and cried of happiness and embarrassment. Better than my dad's response, who just said "But you still like boys, right?" He also hates when I wear 'lesbian clothing'.
What? ‘Lesbian clothing’? That’s uh. Not how clothing works. Unless it’s to support lesbians, like pride clothing, that’s a thing. (Also I love your profile pic submission author)
My dad was drinking, when he drinks he gets either very sad or very blank, but he came into my room. Look me dead In the eyes and STARTED CRYING, I asked if he was alright and he wanted to tell me the ice cream I bought was “really fricken bussin”. He’s in his 40s….
I posted this before, but it's so good that I just have to do it again, in case some of you might have missed it. When we were kids, we wanted a dog. Dad said NO! So we brought the female dog home. It wasn't long before she had a litter of puppies. (In the 'old days' no one spayed or neutered their dogs). The puppies had free range of the house. One night Dad got up to go to the bathroom and didn't turn on a light. We soon heard, in a very loud voice some colorful words and Mom asked him what was wrong. He replied in the same loud voice "I s**t and the dam dog stepped in it!" I never laughed so hard in my life and still do every time I think about it.
One Christmas when I was a kid I asked my dad if I could put out milk & cookies for Santa. He looked at me, completely stressed out from assembling bikes and other toys for my younger siblings. He replied that this Christmas Santa probably wanted a glass of scotch and a pack of Winston's.
Not sure about the funniest, but this was recent. My dad said to me: ‘You look like you’re hitchhiking through hell.’
During the recent cold snap, I was doing a lot of layering in order to walk the dogs. My husband looked at me one day and said I was totally pulling off my hobo chic look. Gee, thanks!
My mom saying that her favorite quote in W***y Wonka is "don't touch that squirrels nuts little girl"
I don't know about the funniest. But lately I was rolling dough for sugar cookies and it was a difficult process but I was getting the hang of it. I was just finishing, feeling proud of myself for doing a good job, when my Mom came and looked over my shoulder. She watched for a second, then patted my arm and said, "Don't worry, you'll get better as you go," and walked away.😂
Most passive-aggressive comment I've ever received.
They were probably meant as words of encouragement. So... Did you get better at it? 😇
“Don’t close the microwave with ur foot”
Let’s just say we’re a weird family. :)
Sadly my microwave is too high up for that, but any low-down draws get foot-closed. And doors, the fridge, the dishwasher..
My mother would have fitted nicely in a Victorian drama. One day, as I walked out ready for a date, she told me my slip was showing and that I'd better fix it. "After all, a woman should never look like she is wearing any underwear."
My late father always had a ribald, risque sense of humor, and even though he was a terrible singer he always loved to sing. There was this particular little ditty he was fond of singing at any given opportunity: "Oh, she washed it and she douched it and she sprinkled it with powder/But all it did was made the smell a little louder!" Zero guesses what the "it" was.
FYI, this was the same man who, when he was a boy, called a bow-legged nun who taught at his Catholic grade school "Wyatt Earp".
Before I got to the second paragraph, I thought “ probably catholic school”. 😁 There’s just something about that particular education that left a life-time impression ( and a very specific sense of humor !!!)
When I was little, my dad always had the best answer to stupid questions: "aunt Hildegard"...
"Where are we going?" "To see aunt Hildegard!"
"What's that?" "Aunt Hildegard's coffee table!"
And so on.
We don't have an aunt named Hildegard, we don't even know anyone with that name... XD
We had an "Ignats". I don't know what Ignats was supposed to be, but he lived in our cedar closet and was blamed for a whole hell of a lot of stuff.
Well, this year I hooked up the Christmas tree to my baby Yoda themed Clapper (that thing where you clap your hands to turn on lamps). I kept clapping, but it wouldn’t turn on. My dad walked in and managed to turn it on (he’s always clapped really loudly), and, from the kitchen, my mom shouted:
"Your dad has the clap!"
As soon as my dad and my mom got married she immediately became abusive and controlling. Two years later I’m born and it continues. Fast forward 13 years and my dad is still unable to leave the relationship with me. But, suddenly my mom completely ditches us. She took most of our savings and just left. About a week after this happened my dad randomly says “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. I’m gay”. Like what 💀. Apparently my mom was so horrible my dad started becoming attracted to men.
He has now been dating his boyfriend Terry for two years.
I still think it’s hilarious.
When my brother said something funny my parents said “that’s about as funny as a beholder eating a squirrel” (D&D reference)
I'll have to be careful with words here, but many years ago (40 years maybe) I went with my Mum to buy some nails and bolts and the other thing that goes with them, and these items were only sold in packs. My Mum announced, in front of everyone: "When I was young you could go to a shop and ask for a one s***w, and you'd get it"
Stunned silence. I was laughing all the way home. Mum never did understand what she'd said. Bless her.
Proably not, Onion Ninja, I did it myself. In the UK we have something called MSN which is ruled by bots, and they keep coming up with "That comment didn't meet our guidelines" if you use as much as a pronoun, he, or she, that doesn't meet their guidelines either. So, if, for example, you want to say "I was bitten by a spider" you need to break it down into "I was", post again "bit", further post "ten", another post "by a" and then you try "spider" and you get "That comment does not meet our guidelines" Sigh. So no, it's me censoring me Onion Ninja.
Another one here---my dad once held up a magazine cover with President Obama on it and asked me "do you know who this is?" I responded "Ludacris". This was in front of my dad's friends, too. I still don't know how I knew who Ludacris was when I was five.
"Stop painting! It's time to go to art class!"
My mother told me, when I was acting up in a mall at the tender age of four, that I was behaving like a "daughter of a b!#&h." I gazed directly into my mother's eyes and said "if I'm behaving like a daughter of a b-word, then who's the b-word".
My dad, sister and I were watching Night at the Museum 2 one day, and unbeknownst to us, my mom was standing behind us watching too(it hard to explain, but there’s a gap in our living room wall to make space for the spiral staircase, and people can stand there without being seen). In that movie, there is a scene with a giant octopus, and right when it tumbled out of its box, my mom yelled “Squid!” and scared the c**p out of us.
My mom has a thick accent sometimes and we saw ducks, she attempted saying quacking, my dad said "Côcaine?"
We love you!
28 years later, "We're paying for the wedding, we choose what you get"
I overheard my dad telling my mom that he was so hungry that his big gut had eaten his little gut, and was headed towards his pee-pee.
Driving home on Thanksgiving from a relative's home, we were talking about how good the food was and how much of it there was.
Mom said, "It was all delicious. When I went there, I wasn't ravishing, but I was definitely hungry."
My Dad once said to me, "When you fly like the eagles at night, you come home like the chickens in the morning!" Still have no idea what he meant by it....
Only thing I can think of is consequences of being drunk/'flying' is that you are hungover/groaning in the morning/roosters make sounds in the morning?
Me: Staring at my phone ALL day for "happy birthday" calls to come in (I get one from my bff)
My mom the next day: "I called you but you didn't answer! As usual you never pick up the phone for your mom!"
Me:
If it makes you feel better, I had to call my mother on my last birthday just to make sure she was still drawing a breath, as she forgot to phone after telling me the day before that she would call me to wish me a happy birthday. She had no idea why I was calling her until I reminded her of the anniversary of her only child tearing her way out of her womb. She's not senile or anything, just a stoner. She also didn't know how old I was. The joys of hippie parents.
Two of my mom's "funny" sayings were:
"You must think I don't have sense to pour pi$$ out of a boot with the directions on the heel." Translation: You must think I'm stupid
and
"The/she/he don't have a pot to pi$$ in or a window to throw it out of." Translation: That person is poor.
Not my parents, but my sister. She called “Book Dr” or something “Book Doctor”… We all started calling roads “doctors” lol
Already submitted one, but here goes..
My mom once told my ex that if his daddy were around to see him, he would have J@
My dad always wore a shirt that said "As long as I have a face you'll have a place to sit"
Why doesn't BP let me put more than two sentences on this. It's so frustrating lol.
My dad always wore a shirt that said "As long as I have a face you'll have a place to sit"
Why doesn't BP let me put more than two sentences on this. It's so frustrating lol.
