Hey Pandas! We all need a laugh right now with all the stressful things going on, so share your favorite joke, riddle, or funny story! Who knows, maybe yours will become someone else’s favorite! Keep it PG though, please!
It's a long walk, but worth it, IMO.
One sunny day in January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The old man said, “Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine repeated, “Sir, as I told you yesterday, Mr. Trump is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying again, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you’ve been here asking to speak to Trump. I’ve told you each time that he’s no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you get it?” The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snapped to attention and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”
I submitted 10 puns to a contest. I really wanted at least one of them to win, but unfortunately no pun in-ten-did :(
For all you BP fans out there:
I'm sorry I haven't got back to you but I've been handcuffed to a panda
So bear with me
So there's this zoo, and this zoo isn't very affluent, but, if someone visits the zoo, it is definitely to see their gorilla.
One morning, the workers come in early to open the zoo like normal and find, to their great sadness, that their famous gorilla has died of old age. The zoo staff are incredibly distressed by this development because they loved that gorilla--it was a really great gorilla--and also because they probably won't have a job in a month after the zoo shuts down due to bankruptcy.
But the zoo's owner, he's got an idea. He calls the gorilla's primary zookeeper into his office and says, "Hey, so I could fire you right now since we don't have a gorilla anymore, but I'm not going to! Instead, I want you to dress up in this highly realistic gorilla suit and pretend to be our beloved gorilla--just until we purchase another one, I promise." And so the zookeeper says, "Alright, I'll pretend to be a gorilla. After all, no one who works at this zoo knows as much about gorilla behavior as me." And so he puts on the suit and starts doing his monkey thing.
This dude becomes a sensation overnight. People are absolutely amazed by the humanlike gorilla that this obscure zoo has acquired. Numbers are great, and for the first time in years the zoo is turning a sizable profit.
Now a couple months go by, and the newness is starting to wear off. The zoo is still making plenty of money, but not as much as when the whole monkey thing started. And the zoo owner has gotten a little bit greedy. He calls the monkey man into his office and says, "Hey dude, numbers are going down, I need you to get them back up again or you'll be out of a job." The zookeeper us hugely frustrated by this unreasonable demand. He thinks, "I'm already being a monkey, what the heck else do you want me to do?!" But instead of venting his spleen on his supervisor, he takes a deep breath and says, "Alright, I'll see what I can do."
That night, the monkey man breaks out if the gorilla enclosure, sneaks into the tiger enclosure, and waits for the zoo to open. As people stream by the next morning, he begins his new act: swinging around on the roof of the tiger enclosure, always just a few inches out of reach of the furious felines jaws. This most definitely does catch people's attention, and almost seems like a good idea...all the way up until the moment his hand slips and he falls down into the tiger's territory.
The tiger starts prowling toward him-- splayed helplessly on the ground, breath knocked from his lungs--and so the zookeeper-turned-monkey starts doing what any reasonable person would do. He starts yelling, "Help! Help!" at the top of his lungs.
The tiger hears its prey's desperate screams, and growls. It leaps, pins him down, and whispers in his ear, "You need to shut up, you're gonna get us both fired!"
Why shouldn't you believe an atom?
Because they make up everything!
So a man dies and goes to heaven, and as he walks through the pearly gates, he sees a couple of stopped clocks on the walls. He asks Saint Peter, “What are those clocks for?” Peter replies, “Oh, those are lie clocks. They move their hands every time someone lies. So this shows that Mother Teresa never lied, and Abraham Lincoln only lied twice.” The man, impressed, asks, “So where’s Donald Trump’s clock?” Peter laughs and says, “That’s in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
This is kinda stupid but here it goes.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
To prove he wasn't a chicken.
I've read this story twice or something. This person was hearing a cat meowing outside, so he meowed back. After a while, he looked outside to see another person meowing at him. XD
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said.
“I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to
that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right, Get in.
Person: Are you always sarcastic?
Me: No. Sometimes I’m sleeping.
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD:
1. You can’t touch the sun
2. You can’t live with oxygen
3. You can’t breathe with your tongue stuck far out
4. Put your tongue back in you fool
Me and the missus decided to watch all the star wars films back to back. Lucky for me i was the one facing the TV!
This is not mine but here it is, I saw that other people took stories from other posts and the internet so I took this:
Gather around, children! It's.... STORYTIME! >:3
So, I was like 7, and I was sitting in class taking a spelling test. We had just come back from lunch, and my stomach was feeling weird. Everything was silent, and then I felt this overwhelming heat burning in my buttcheeks. I tried so hard to hold it in, and was literally SWEATING.... But it was too much. I couldn't hold on any longer. I hoped nobody would hear it, and so I released it. The room filled with a loud sound like a motorcycle had come zooming out of my butt. The stench of death exploded from within me. The swat team came in wearing hazmat suits and handed out gas masks. And then I was sent home early because I had sharted myself. THE END!
My favorite joke it more like a funny line to say when you need a self-confidence boost and others need a laugh:
“I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.”
Did you hear about the astronaut with claustrophobia?
He just needed some space.
Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best type of surgery patient.
The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.”
The third surgeon says, “No, I think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers ~ they seem to understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people every time they tell a lie...
Dad: what were you watching?
Son: Kung-Fu Panda
**robot slaps son**
Son: Ok! It was an erotic movie.
Dad: WHAT?! When I was your age i didn’t even know what an erotic movie was
**robot slaps dad**
Mum: HAHAHA!!! He’s your son after all
**robot slaps mum**
'Just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.' - (Tim Vine)
Two labourers, John and Dave, were working and John, upon a scaffold accidentally cut off his ear.
He yelled down to Dave…” Hey! Look out for my ear, I just cut it off”
A bit later Dave calls up to John, “Is this your ear?”
John looks down and says, “No! Mine had a pencil behind it!”
Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
“So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’
“I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you’re up there….”
me: Doc I've broken my arms in three places
Doc: where about's?
me: In the kitchen, living room and the hallway.
An old man is walking in the red light district in Amsterdam. Finally he stops at one of the windows and taps on the window.
He asks the woman in the window : "How much?"
The woman answers "50 Euros".
"Oh" the old man said, "That's cheap. For double glazing."
Anti-vaxxers and flat-earthers are the biggest joke for me!
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE! BREATHE!
A man walks into a bar. He says ow.
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!
What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!
What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker!
Why was the turkey in the pop group? Because he was the only one with drumsticks!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A
What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backwards!
Why was the snowman looking through the carrots? He was picking his nose!
Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ‘ho ho ho’!
What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!
What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps!
What did Adam say the day before Christmas? “It’s Christmas, Eve!”
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? Stick with me and we’ll go places!
Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer!
Why don’t you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has private elf care!
How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger!
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered!
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas? Cross-mouse cards!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? Nice gnawing you!
What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky!
What does Santa do with out of shape elves? Sends them to an elf Farm.
Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor? Because he had a low “elf” esteem!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!
An Irish man walks out of a bar
(please don't hate me :-) )
Just to remind you of something historically funny:
When Neil Armstrong landed on the moon – on July 21, 1969 – he spoke the well-known words: “That’s one small step for a man … one giant leap for mankind!” Later, while returning to the Lunar Module after his lunar walk, he added:
"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky!"
After his return to earth, Armstrong was asked again and again what the ominous phrase meant, but he never gave an answer to that. Only 26 years later, when he was approached again by a reporter on this sentence, he did reveal the secret, explaining that Mr. Gorsky meanwhile had passed away and that he now could answer the question.
Armstrong then told the journalist the following story:
“When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with my brother in the backyard. He hit a fly ball that landed in front of my neighbors’ bedroom window. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard my neighbors wife, Mrs. Gorsky shouting at her husband: , ‘Oral sex?! You want oral sex? You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!’”
Blind man walks into a bar and a chair and a table...
Voldemort's grandpa stole his nose as a baby... And didn't give it back!
A construction worker is complaining to his boss about the tools they have.
"Look at this wheelbarrow. Every time I use it, it goes "squeak........ squeak........squeak........squeak......... The boss looks at the guy and says "You're fired!" The guy: "But why, boss?" So the boss says "If you're using the wheelbarrow it should go: "squeaksqueaksqueaksqueaksqueaksqueak!"
0 Divided by 0
Imagine you have zero cookies, and imagine you have zero friends, See it doesn't make sense. Now the cookie monster is sad that you have no cookies, and you are sad you have no friends
Why can’t Trump visit the White House?
Because it’s FOR BIDEN!!!
One day I was not doing great, and my best friend was trying to cheer me up. She was saying, "Hey, Cheer up!, When life gives you lemons....", I then said, "you squeeze them back into life's eyes!" We laughed really hard and went out for ice cream.
A priest, a rabbit, and a pastor walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit, "What would you like to drink?"
The rabbit answers, "How should I know?? I'm only here because of auto-correct."
Kay who's ready!!??
Why did the tomato run? He was trying to ketchup!
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Because she always runs away from the ball.
I have a great joke about cliffhangers................
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's really time consuming.
Why is Spiderman so great at comebacks? Because with great power comes great response ability.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar. Suddenly he is shot and killed. Who murdered him? The Bartender.....
How do you kill a circus? Go for the jugular.
How can you tell if a vampire has coronavirus? If he does have it, he'll be coffin.....
Those are just a few of my dad jokes. :)
At a restaurant---- Waiter - would you like a table please?---- Me- No i came here to eat food on the floor, carpet for 5 please.
DUh i want a table
Since it's December, and I'm an English teacher...
Q: what did the English teacher call Santa's elves?
A: subordinate clauses
My wife divorced me because of my terrible sense of direction, so I packed up my things and right.
Harry Potter Jokes:
"Any fools in the room stand up," Professor Snape said sarcastically. After some silence, a first year stood up. "So, then you consider yourself a fool, do you?" asked Professor Snape. "Not really," said the student, "but I didn't want to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Remember: Wizards who drink Polyjuice Potion are people.
Two Hungarian Horntails walk into the Hog's Head Inn. The first one says, " Sure is hot in here." The seccond one snaps back, "Shut your mouth!"
Quidditch is like baking. You can't do it without Beaters!
Fantastic Beasts from the Hogwarts Zoo:
A Death Eater Anteater
Here's a joke in parseltongue: Ssssss sssss ss ssss ssss? Sssss sss sss!
You can say a lot of bad things about Lord Voldemort, but one thing he isn't is nosey.
The Lone Granger
So You Think You Can Trance
Sirius Black Mirror
Orange is the New Sirius Black
Saved by the Bellatrix
I Dream of Ginny
That's So Ravenclaw
The Dukes of Hagrid
Peeves and Wooster
How I Met Your Malfoy
Dumbledore the Explorer
Witched at Birth
Fuller House Cup
The Mad-Eyed Moody Blues
Tom Petty and the Spellbreakers
The Harry Potter Playlist:
"Ginny from the Block"
"I Wanna Hold Your Wand"
"Potter in the USA"
"Locked Out of Hogwarts"
"Give Your Hogwarts a Break"
"When I Was Your Mandrake"
"Hufflepuff the Magic Dragon"
"Since U Been McGonagall"
"If You Like It, Then You Should Have Put a Spell On It."
"This Goblet's On Fire"
"If I Were A Boy Who Lived"
"Ron the World"
"Da Doo Ron Ron"
"The Sound of Silencio"
"By the Time I Get to Phoenix"
"What Does the Fawxes Say?"
"Love Potion No. 9"
"Row, Row, Rowena Your Boat"
"Can't Be Named"
Harry Potter Books From Other Characters' Point of View:
Vernon Dursley Takes His Creepy Nephew To The Zoo, and He Ruins Everything
Dudley Dursley and His Weird Cousin Who Inflates His Aunt
Severus Snape and the Boy I Don't Like But Have to Save
Albus Dumbledore and the Very Dangerous School
Hermione Granger Saves the Day
Hermione Granger Saves the Day Again
Ron Weasley and the Deadly Game of Chess
My Year in a Turban: The Lord Voldemort Chronicles
Molly Weasley's Guide to Ugly Sweater Construction
Hiding Animals the Rubeus Hagrid Way
Muggles are Neat, by Aurthor Weasley
It has just come on the news that elastic bands are becoming low on stock. so if you have any please try and make them stretch.
Let's see if anyone get's this reference...
"Come over here and say that to my face!"
"Am am saying to your face. Or am I saying it to your rear end? It's easy to get the two confused."
My physiatrist said I was crazy. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said I was ugly too.
what did the mayonase say to the fridge?
close the door, im dressing!
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
HE DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS TO DO IT BWAHAHAHAHAHA
my best joke is...........
This was told to me by a 6 year old. If you do it to people they're so confused for a second, they always laugh.
I hate apointments. I go to the dentist and they give me an apointment for 2.30(tooth hurty) and in the optitions I always make a spectacle of myself.
This one actually happened.
Me and the missus was playing cards and we forgot whos turn to deal so we started shouting at each other "its your deal though" (its your dildo) not realizing until after a short while. Thank god we live on a first floor but i dont know what the neighbors were thinking!
Bob walks into a coffee shop at 8 AM on a Monday morning. Since he hates Mondays, he orders a coffee. He receives the coffee and takes a sip. It tastes... off. He calls over the waiter. The waiter replies, "Yes sir?" Bob says, "My coffee tastes like dirt, I'd like a new cup!" The waiter replies. "Of course sir. It was ground not that long ago!"
You are locked in a metal box. All you have is a flashlight. The batteries ran away. How do you get out?
My paternal grandmother had five children, three of them ravenous boys. She often found herself hiding food in various places around the house so that they wouldn't eat everything in sight. At one point, she hid several bunches of bananas in the washing machine. And promptly forgot. And then washed a load of sheets....
Slight joke or pun idk:
All I have been doing 2020 is trying to find the imposter among us....
Ik it’s bad lol
2021 will be better.
only if theres change.
ok, the first is a lawyer joke and it's long so...
A tourist was walking down an unfamiliar road. He saw an antique shop and went inside. There were many strange things in the shop, but the thing that caught the tourists eye most was a metal rat, which was so intricately detailed it looked alive. The tourist took it up to the desk and said, "How much is this?" The shop owner said, "It's $1,000 for the story, but the rat is free." The tourist, a little confused, said, "Why does the story cost so much?" The shop owner just smiled. The tourist said "Well I will just take the rat then," and left the shop. As he walked down the street, rats started appearing. The tourist picked up his pace. More and more rats started appearing out of nowhere. The tourist ran to a bus. As the bus drove away, all the rats followed it. The tourist got out of the bus at the end of its route. The tourist was now by a river. He noticed that the rats seemed to be fixated on his metal rat. He ran to a dock and threw the little statue in the dark water. All the rats followed. As they followed, they drowned. The tourist, dazed and curious, went back to the antique shop. The shop owner recognized him and said, "So now you want the story?" The tourist answered, "No. I was just wondering if you had a metal lawyer."
This is not mine, it came from a book of lawyer jokes.
This is my dad's:
Q: What do you call an owl's beak?
A: Who nose?
Have a nice day!
I never really got on with my parents. The first 2 years of my life I never spoke to them.
I accidently bumped into this short person once. About 3FT tall. I apologized but he said" I'm not happy!" so I said to him "well which one are you then?"
There was a colleague in the office give birth recently. I asked her if the baby was mail or email?
One night, a scientist came home very tired. His wife asked, “Did you have a hard day at the lab, dear?” “Yes, I did,” he replied. “The computer broke down and I had to think!”
A very old lady enters the bank to withdraw some money from her account. The young employee sees her account balance and begins to make her many suggestions about what she could do with her money, invest in stocks and funds in order to have a nice sum later. The old lady gets impatient and says, "Listen, boy, as old as I am, I won't even buy green bananas anymore!"
A termite walks into a bar and says is the bartender here?
My son is so lazy so i asked him to pack his bags and get out.
His reply was "you pack them"
what goes around the world but always stays in one corner?
Answer in the comments
One time I wanted to see how I looked in a mirror. Instead of going to the bathroom, I searched for a mirror on google. After about five minutes of scrolling, I still couldn't find a reflective one. Then I was like "Wait a second... Why do none of them show my reflection?" I got home and asked my brother and he said that is what cameras are for. I felt so stupid.
It's abit rude but here it goes...
There's a fly flying above a pond, the fish in the pond saids" if that fly drops 6 inches I can eat it for a snack". Abit further back from the pond there's a cat, and the cat saids" if that fly drops 6 inches the fish can eat the fly and I can eat the fish. Abit further back there's a dog,and the dog saids" if that fly drops 6 inches,the fish can eat the fly,the cat can eat the fish and I can chase after the cat
So,the cat does a bum wiggle and jumps to get the fish but lands in the pond
What's the moral of the story????
If a fly drops 6 inches, pussy gets wet
About 2 and a half years ago, my mom and I went out to get some Taco Bell for my little sister's birthday lunch. We decided to rest in the car for a bit (we ran a lot of errands beforehand), and we each ate a taco. Right after we started eating, my mom says "MY CHEESE!!!" I look over to see all of her taco cheese on the car floor. It was hilarious! We still make that joke today, and it just becomes funnier every time!
I have some riddles that ill answer in the comments
A kid gets a bicycle, soccer ball and a scooter for Christmas but he isn't happy. Why?
You wake up to get some water and you see somebody from a different apartment complex getting brutally murdered the person thats murdering them sees you and starts pointing their finger up and down at you. Why?
You are walking in the woods and you hear something so you turn around. What do you see..?
C. A girl
D. A ghost
I hope you enjoy answers will be in the comments!
I have two, both are my dogs, My first dog, Sadie once pooped, like watery gross poop, and sat in it. My other dog, Millie once pooped and walked right into it.
Bonus long story! Once my dog Sadie again, she pooped a watery poop again and I had no bags, and it was in the middle of the sidewalk with people around so I had to at least pretend to pick it up, so I used the side of the used bag to shmear it around and as I was walking to the nearest garbage, my dog proceeded to take another crap, so I had to shmear it again. It dripped all over me and the floor. I love her so much -.-