Man Doesn’t Understand Why GF Didn’t Appreciate His Gift, Gets A Reality Check
Interview With Expert
Gift giving does not come naturally to everyone. No matter how well you think you know a person, unless you present them with something they’ve explicitly asked for, it can be challenging to know how they’ll respond to a present.
One man recently learned that lesson the hard way, after surprising his girlfriend with a gift that he thought would make her feel more confident. Below, you’ll find the full story that he shared on the “Am I the [Jerk]?” subreddit, as well as a conversation with Tina Wilson, relationship expert and founder of the dating app Wingman.
Not everyone has a knack for buying the perfect gifts
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages (not the actual photo)
After buying lingerie for his girlfriend, this man was left wondering if he made a terrible mistake
Image credits: ivananicole95 (not the actual photo)
Image source: DriverComfortable357
“When considering a gift for your partner, really think about their interests and passions”
Image credits: Antoni Shkraba (not the actual photo)
To learn more about how controversial the gift of lingerie is, we reached out to Tina Wilson, relationship expert and founder of the dating app Wingman. Tina was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda, noting that “any gift you buy needs to be a gift for the receiver, not something that you like or like for them. A gift should be based on what you know about them, and what they like and dislike.”
Tina also says that lingerie in particular is an extremely risky gift. “It subconsciously suggests you want to see that person in it, therefore a gift for your eyes, and not so much for the receiver,” she explained. “The intimate sense of lingerie speaks to nudity and the bedroom, so if someone is not feeling confident, it’s the very last thing that they’d wish to receive.”
“When considering a gift for your partner, really think about their interests and passions,” Tina suggests. “You’ll always make the right choice if you buy something they will really love/cherish and make use out of.”
“Someone who is not confident is going to feel even more self conscious in something she’s been given to model”
Image credits: Polina Zimmerman (not the actual photo)
We were also curious what Tina thought about the man’s idea that buying his partner lingerie would make her feel more confident. “Lingerie is a personal choice, and someone buying their partner underwear to make them feel a certain way, is not ever going to work,” she told Bored Panda. “If anything, someone who is not confident is going to feel even more self conscious in something she’s been given to model.”
“This guy completely missed her very clear point that she preferred ‘plain’ underwear,” Tina added. “If she was happy with plain underwear it’s certainly not his role to be telling her what to wear to make her more confident or please him in some way. This guy might very well have meant well, but I suspect it had more to do with how he wants her to feel and look in lingerie, rather than how she actually feels.”
The relationship expert says that the way to make her feel more confident and comfortable is to take it at her pace and adore her in every plain bit of underwear she chooses to wear. “He should have stopped to consider how she would feel receiving it (as he clearly hoped she’d throw it on and jump on him),” Tina noted.
“He should have stopped to consider things that she finds special, treats that she gives herself and doubled up on that. If she’s feeling unconfident, getting her something that is just for her – should have been obvious,” she continued. “A lovely massage at her favorite spa, a special lunch at her favorite restaurant, or a nice planned getaway to a fun venue like an amusement park – would have had a much warmer reception, and likely to make her feel more confident, even in her plain underwear.”
“Gifts we receive and give to a partner symbolize the bond between two people”
Image credits: SHVETS production (not the actual photo)
We were also curious what the relationship expert believes the gifts we exchange say about our relationships. “Gifts we receive and give to a partner symbolize the bond between two people. Generic gifts are lazy and lack attentiveness to the other’s needs. On some levels, while gifts may seem superficial on the surface, they actually reflect the effort put in, and ultimately how much they understand and truly know for the other person,” she explained.
Finally, Tina added some wise words for this particular couple. “In this situation, to move on from it, the girlfriend should try and understand her boyfriend, deep down, had the right intentions but didn’t show it in the right way,” she shared. “The boyfriend should also understand why his girlfriend reacted in that way and next time try a different approach to express his love.”
We would love to hear your thoughts on this story in the comments below, pandas. Then, if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article discussing a similar situation, look no further than right here!
Some readers took the girlfriend’s side, telling the man they weren’t convinced the present wasn’t for him
While others gave the man the benefit of the doubt, noting that he could have simply handled the situation better
And some thought the situation was simply a misunderstanding where no one was at fault
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This is definitely an awkward gift for a young self conscious woman. This is more suitable for a mature woman.
"Sexy" will never equal "comfortable." Let's get some scratchy lacey cráp to wrap around the boy's dangle and see how sexy/comfortable he feels at the end of the day.
The really expensive stuff with soft lace and genuine silk can be nice, but even so, it's only a good gift if you know for certain that the person receiving it would appreciate it.
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Lingerie is really more for the men. It can be itchy, feel like a wedgie, scratchy and chafe-y. A woman typically won't wear something sexy throughout the day. Unless she stated it was something she wanted, nope. Stick to the safe stuff. It's still appreciated.
If he was at all sensible he would have got her something in her style but slightly fancy. Like a pretty print or a simple underwear set with a slight lace trim and not buy her sexy lingerie that isn’t her style.
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This doesn't seem like a big deal. It was a gift he expected they'd both like, that's not how it went, he didn't pitch a fit or try and manipulate her into wearing it, this gift didn't land, but not all gifts do. All you can do is take it ok board and not repeat the mistake. Lingerie is hard to buy for someone else and get it right, but he's only 19, and probably doesn't have much experience with it. If he bought some other sex toy for them both to enjoy, I wonder if commenters would have the same negative reaction. In any case, he misread the situation, but doesn't seem to have any evil intent.
I don't know about other people, but I find sex toys embarrassing to receive from a partner. My ex did that to me and I ended up crying humiliated. I knew it was still for his enjoyment and for me to be like the porn stars he'd watch. It's such a personal gift. Leave it to the person who would want it to get it themselves.
Load More Replies... Not a good idea until you knew she want it. For sure not an a*****e. Just young and unexperienced.
My thoughts exactly. And frankly, a present like that would be more fitting for a 30 something year old instead of 19. He probably heard about other men doing that, but he should have checked with her first. I totally agree that it was just him being inexperienced.
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This is definitely a learning curve for the OP here. From now on he'll learn *not* to buy clothing associated with sex unless there's been discussions or heavy hints have been made. Most men, myself included, have done this when younger and quite literally, had it thrown right back at us never to be repeated.
"Most men, myself included, have done this when younger and quite literally, had it thrown right back at us never to be repeated." That's definitely not how it usually works. Sorry you had a bad experience.
Load More Replies... I would give this guys the benefit of the doubt. He is a 19 yo trying to figure out how relationships work, he looked online for ideas and made a rather bad choice, but I don’t think he had bad intentions or deserved backlash.
I agree. Even if she felt it was just for him, I would hope she would have at least recognized that he wanted to see HER in it and that should, I think, be a compliment. Even if it wasn't something I'd want I still would have graciously accepted it rather than get bent all out of shape. But that's just me.
Load More Replies... I have loved lingerie since I was in my late teens. At one point I had over 100 bras. I still can’t stop myself from heading to the lingerie section of any store. I was an introvert until my mid twenties but I still loved nice underwear. He did nothing wrong. He was only trying to make his partner feel good about herself. It didn’t work out so next time he will try something different.
Dude, No. NTA for the lingerie, but becoming an AH with the way "it's for her." Lingerie says "I want to see you in this" or "You'll like to see me in this" depending on who buys the underwear. Either way it's a gift for the person not *wearing* the underwear. When a woman buys lingerie to feel sexy and confident, there's no giftwrap, metaphorical or literal, involved. It's already in her drawer. You messed up. Own it and apologise for your mistake, offer to return the underwear. Then buy her a real gift, of something she has previously shown she loves. It doesn't have to be expensive, just thoughtful. She loves mango? Leave a container of prepared mango in the fridge with a heart on a post-it. Her preferred skin cream running out? Take a pic so you know the exact one, and get her more. Has she mentioned a favorite flower or pot plant? etc. Show you know her, and listen to her.
This is just immaturity, not really AH behavior. Sexy undies are rarely for the person wearing them.
I disagree, we wear sexy underwear to feel good too, it's not just for an observer, sometimes it's about feeling like taking a walk on the wild side and partying, no sex attached.
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Why is no one calling the gf out for being an a*****e? This man has been with her for 2 years and obviously loves her and finds her attractive. He has good intentions and she's being rude and distant? She needs to grow up and try to meet her partner halfway, not choose to take it the wrong way and sulk all day.
I usually try to reverse the situation in my head. As a gay man, it’s a nonissue for me & I have plenty of empathy, but little experience first-hand. So, I read this as if a 19yo gf was giving the gift to a bf. Yes, there are stark differences with gender equity especially when it comes to male gaze. If it were reversed I’d give the gf 75% good intention, 25% for execution. In this case, it’s about 50/50. He’s learning & will hopefully will come to understand impossible standards for women along with how they’re often objectified & constantly observed. With this life experience, one would know better than giving a gift that promotes this.
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Hopefully a learning experience not only with appropriate gift-giving on his part, but communication for both of them.
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I can understand why he did it, but it’s clear that he didn’t think things through first. For something as personal as undergarments, especially the more erotic style; it’s better for partners to talk to their GF/wife well in advance first, to ask if it’s a gift they would ever actually want to wear. Some women might feel awkward or self-conscious about their bodies, so to get them lingerie out of the blue may come as a shock & upset or even anger them. Obviously, they might get the idea that their partner is more interested in sēx than anything else, hence the “disgust”. I’m not saying OP was deliberately aiming for that, but you can see why his GF thought as much. Consider it a lesson in thinking things over before such purchases. 🤔🤷♀️
If she had wanted to wear that kind of lingerie she would of bought it. How would he feel if she gifted him a thong?
Hopefully "... I need to communicate what I like better"
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I usually don't do the poll at the end, but this time I did. I was curious to see the percentages on each answer. But when I clicked my response, the poll simply disappeared. Has anyone else seen that behavior?
I have never taken one of the polls, but I would have hoped they would give the poll-taker some feedback. Now I am glad I don't take them. Thanks for the info!
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Lingerie was designed by men FOR men. Lingerie doesn't make one feel sexy when wearing it, it is just a signal to her partner to take this itchy uncomfortable thing off me and let's do it.
Eh that maybe the case for some but not all. I certainly feel sexy in lingerie and not all of it is uncomfortable/itchy.
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I have a feeling all those saying "she should be happy" are males. That stuff can be very uncomfortable to wear, try buying her what SHE likes, not what he does.
No boyfriend has ever been stupid enough to buy me lingerie. It's awful stuff, itchy lace, hot man made materials that encourage infections. Designed for men. It is not a gift for 'both' for many people. Some women say they feel good about themselves in it and that's for them. Personally I feel absolutely Fantastic in cotton knickers and a cotton bra with dinosaurs on it or unicorns (Molke bras!). I'm 50, rotund now and still exceptionally happy with my body. Lingerie is another societal issue that women don't bloody need 🙄😊
I get where he's coming from and I understand her feelings. They are both young and will make mistakes with each other. She is uncomfortable with her body and lingerie would be a very confronting gift. It was poorly thought out but I can see why he thought it was a good idea because he thought it would help her. They'll learn I expect he won't do that again. Nice thought, badly executed
I mean, the good rule of thumb would be that if pros list includes "and I also get the benefit of (whatever)" it's not a great gift. Presents should be about the person you're gifting it to, not yourself. Unless it's an experience or hobby you both enthusiastically participate in, AND the other person indicated before that it's something they would want for themselves, supposed "shared enjoyment" should not be a part of the gift and it's intention. So: If you enjoy playing video games and they join you from time to time to be together, don't buy them games or game accessories. Etc. And BTW. specifically about lingerie: Those things are notoriously difficult to find a right fit, to look good and more importantly - feel good. Anyone choosing this kind of gift for their partner would do much better with a gift card to a brafitting store. That way person that *wants* the lingerie can choose what they like and make sure it fits them best.
When he says she looked disgusted, it made me wonder is it just frilly lingerie or is it *sexy* lingerie? ie: crotchless panties, or the like. If it's frilly lingerie her being disgusted is a bit of an overreaction and it makes me wonder if she's from a particularly religious background. Not saying she has to like them, but she shouldn't be outright disgusted. Crotchless knickers on the other hand, her reaction would be unsurprising.
I don't understand the people saying lingerie is not for the partner who wears it. I love wearing lingerie. If it weren't so expensive I'd have more. It makes me feel sexy and confident. My bf cares not at all about lingerie, doesn't make a difference what I'm wearing, my ex was the same. It's about the present, not the wrapping paper. So I get it, some people love it, a lot don't care, but it's weird to assume its a selfish gift. Sexy presents are automatically presents for both.
Upvoting. Personally I always loved it, and it's perfectly possible to buy pretty underwear that's also supportive and comfortable (the cheap, scratchy kind is awful). Look at Primark Donna, for example; they cost more but last years if you treat them right, unlike M&S. All my partners have been more interested in what's inside than packaging, so it was something I did for my own enjoyment. Haven't had the money the last few years sadly.
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The women on this thread that are insisting he only did it for himself are completely out of touch, bordering on being misandrous. If that's how you think all men are, I feel bad for your S.O.'s.
Misandrist? Look at how you're generalising and judging yourself. Quite the blind spot.
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Get a new girlfriend versus this cold fish. She doesn't like lingerie nor ever wear it for him? She must be sooooo much fun in bed...she sounds like an uptight B. He can do better.
Running from a relationship because of one misthought gift from a teenage boy is insane.
Load More Replies... This is definitely an awkward gift for a young self conscious woman. This is more suitable for a mature woman.
"Sexy" will never equal "comfortable." Let's get some scratchy lacey cráp to wrap around the boy's dangle and see how sexy/comfortable he feels at the end of the day.
The really expensive stuff with soft lace and genuine silk can be nice, but even so, it's only a good gift if you know for certain that the person receiving it would appreciate it.
Load More Replies... Lingerie is really more for the men. It can be itchy, feel like a wedgie, scratchy and chafe-y. A woman typically won't wear something sexy throughout the day. Unless she stated it was something she wanted, nope. Stick to the safe stuff. It's still appreciated.
If he was at all sensible he would have got her something in her style but slightly fancy. Like a pretty print or a simple underwear set with a slight lace trim and not buy her sexy lingerie that isn’t her style.
Load More Replies... This doesn't seem like a big deal. It was a gift he expected they'd both like, that's not how it went, he didn't pitch a fit or try and manipulate her into wearing it, this gift didn't land, but not all gifts do. All you can do is take it ok board and not repeat the mistake. Lingerie is hard to buy for someone else and get it right, but he's only 19, and probably doesn't have much experience with it. If he bought some other sex toy for them both to enjoy, I wonder if commenters would have the same negative reaction. In any case, he misread the situation, but doesn't seem to have any evil intent.
I don't know about other people, but I find sex toys embarrassing to receive from a partner. My ex did that to me and I ended up crying humiliated. I knew it was still for his enjoyment and for me to be like the porn stars he'd watch. It's such a personal gift. Leave it to the person who would want it to get it themselves.
Load More Replies... Not a good idea until you knew she want it. For sure not an a*****e. Just young and unexperienced.
My thoughts exactly. And frankly, a present like that would be more fitting for a 30 something year old instead of 19. He probably heard about other men doing that, but he should have checked with her first. I totally agree that it was just him being inexperienced.
Load More Replies... This is definitely a learning curve for the OP here. From now on he'll learn *not* to buy clothing associated with sex unless there's been discussions or heavy hints have been made. Most men, myself included, have done this when younger and quite literally, had it thrown right back at us never to be repeated.
"Most men, myself included, have done this when younger and quite literally, had it thrown right back at us never to be repeated." That's definitely not how it usually works. Sorry you had a bad experience.
Load More Replies... I would give this guys the benefit of the doubt. He is a 19 yo trying to figure out how relationships work, he looked online for ideas and made a rather bad choice, but I don’t think he had bad intentions or deserved backlash.
I agree. Even if she felt it was just for him, I would hope she would have at least recognized that he wanted to see HER in it and that should, I think, be a compliment. Even if it wasn't something I'd want I still would have graciously accepted it rather than get bent all out of shape. But that's just me.
Load More Replies... I have loved lingerie since I was in my late teens. At one point I had over 100 bras. I still can’t stop myself from heading to the lingerie section of any store. I was an introvert until my mid twenties but I still loved nice underwear. He did nothing wrong. He was only trying to make his partner feel good about herself. It didn’t work out so next time he will try something different.
Dude, No. NTA for the lingerie, but becoming an AH with the way "it's for her." Lingerie says "I want to see you in this" or "You'll like to see me in this" depending on who buys the underwear. Either way it's a gift for the person not *wearing* the underwear. When a woman buys lingerie to feel sexy and confident, there's no giftwrap, metaphorical or literal, involved. It's already in her drawer. You messed up. Own it and apologise for your mistake, offer to return the underwear. Then buy her a real gift, of something she has previously shown she loves. It doesn't have to be expensive, just thoughtful. She loves mango? Leave a container of prepared mango in the fridge with a heart on a post-it. Her preferred skin cream running out? Take a pic so you know the exact one, and get her more. Has she mentioned a favorite flower or pot plant? etc. Show you know her, and listen to her.
This is just immaturity, not really AH behavior. Sexy undies are rarely for the person wearing them.
I disagree, we wear sexy underwear to feel good too, it's not just for an observer, sometimes it's about feeling like taking a walk on the wild side and partying, no sex attached.
Load More Replies... Why is no one calling the gf out for being an a*****e? This man has been with her for 2 years and obviously loves her and finds her attractive. He has good intentions and she's being rude and distant? She needs to grow up and try to meet her partner halfway, not choose to take it the wrong way and sulk all day.
I usually try to reverse the situation in my head. As a gay man, it’s a nonissue for me & I have plenty of empathy, but little experience first-hand. So, I read this as if a 19yo gf was giving the gift to a bf. Yes, there are stark differences with gender equity especially when it comes to male gaze. If it were reversed I’d give the gf 75% good intention, 25% for execution. In this case, it’s about 50/50. He’s learning & will hopefully will come to understand impossible standards for women along with how they’re often objectified & constantly observed. With this life experience, one would know better than giving a gift that promotes this.
Load More Replies... Hopefully a learning experience not only with appropriate gift-giving on his part, but communication for both of them.
Load More Replies... I can understand why he did it, but it’s clear that he didn’t think things through first. For something as personal as undergarments, especially the more erotic style; it’s better for partners to talk to their GF/wife well in advance first, to ask if it’s a gift they would ever actually want to wear. Some women might feel awkward or self-conscious about their bodies, so to get them lingerie out of the blue may come as a shock & upset or even anger them. Obviously, they might get the idea that their partner is more interested in sēx than anything else, hence the “disgust”. I’m not saying OP was deliberately aiming for that, but you can see why his GF thought as much. Consider it a lesson in thinking things over before such purchases. 🤔🤷♀️
If she had wanted to wear that kind of lingerie she would of bought it. How would he feel if she gifted him a thong?
Hopefully "... I need to communicate what I like better"
Load More Replies... I usually don't do the poll at the end, but this time I did. I was curious to see the percentages on each answer. But when I clicked my response, the poll simply disappeared. Has anyone else seen that behavior?
I have never taken one of the polls, but I would have hoped they would give the poll-taker some feedback. Now I am glad I don't take them. Thanks for the info!
Load More Replies... Lingerie was designed by men FOR men. Lingerie doesn't make one feel sexy when wearing it, it is just a signal to her partner to take this itchy uncomfortable thing off me and let's do it.
Eh that maybe the case for some but not all. I certainly feel sexy in lingerie and not all of it is uncomfortable/itchy.
Load More Replies... I have a feeling all those saying "she should be happy" are males. That stuff can be very uncomfortable to wear, try buying her what SHE likes, not what he does.
No boyfriend has ever been stupid enough to buy me lingerie. It's awful stuff, itchy lace, hot man made materials that encourage infections. Designed for men. It is not a gift for 'both' for many people. Some women say they feel good about themselves in it and that's for them. Personally I feel absolutely Fantastic in cotton knickers and a cotton bra with dinosaurs on it or unicorns (Molke bras!). I'm 50, rotund now and still exceptionally happy with my body. Lingerie is another societal issue that women don't bloody need 🙄😊
I get where he's coming from and I understand her feelings. They are both young and will make mistakes with each other. She is uncomfortable with her body and lingerie would be a very confronting gift. It was poorly thought out but I can see why he thought it was a good idea because he thought it would help her. They'll learn I expect he won't do that again. Nice thought, badly executed
I mean, the good rule of thumb would be that if pros list includes "and I also get the benefit of (whatever)" it's not a great gift. Presents should be about the person you're gifting it to, not yourself. Unless it's an experience or hobby you both enthusiastically participate in, AND the other person indicated before that it's something they would want for themselves, supposed "shared enjoyment" should not be a part of the gift and it's intention. So: If you enjoy playing video games and they join you from time to time to be together, don't buy them games or game accessories. Etc. And BTW. specifically about lingerie: Those things are notoriously difficult to find a right fit, to look good and more importantly - feel good. Anyone choosing this kind of gift for their partner would do much better with a gift card to a brafitting store. That way person that *wants* the lingerie can choose what they like and make sure it fits them best.
When he says she looked disgusted, it made me wonder is it just frilly lingerie or is it *sexy* lingerie? ie: crotchless panties, or the like. If it's frilly lingerie her being disgusted is a bit of an overreaction and it makes me wonder if she's from a particularly religious background. Not saying she has to like them, but she shouldn't be outright disgusted. Crotchless knickers on the other hand, her reaction would be unsurprising.
I don't understand the people saying lingerie is not for the partner who wears it. I love wearing lingerie. If it weren't so expensive I'd have more. It makes me feel sexy and confident. My bf cares not at all about lingerie, doesn't make a difference what I'm wearing, my ex was the same. It's about the present, not the wrapping paper. So I get it, some people love it, a lot don't care, but it's weird to assume its a selfish gift. Sexy presents are automatically presents for both.
Upvoting. Personally I always loved it, and it's perfectly possible to buy pretty underwear that's also supportive and comfortable (the cheap, scratchy kind is awful). Look at Primark Donna, for example; they cost more but last years if you treat them right, unlike M&S. All my partners have been more interested in what's inside than packaging, so it was something I did for my own enjoyment. Haven't had the money the last few years sadly.
Load More Replies... The women on this thread that are insisting he only did it for himself are completely out of touch, bordering on being misandrous. If that's how you think all men are, I feel bad for your S.O.'s.
Misandrist? Look at how you're generalising and judging yourself. Quite the blind spot.
Load More Replies... Get a new girlfriend versus this cold fish. She doesn't like lingerie nor ever wear it for him? She must be sooooo much fun in bed...she sounds like an uptight B. He can do better.
Running from a relationship because of one misthought gift from a teenage boy is insane.
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