“AITA For Not Gifting My Nephew As Nice A Gift As His Cousin’s Because His Parents Are Poor?”
Some say that Christmas is the time of giving, and while many people give, not everyone seems to expect nothing in return.
A redditor who turned to the AITA community asking if they were a jerk was deemed to be one after she admitted cheaping out on her nephew’s gift because he was from a poor family. The woman said his parents couldn’t afford to buy gifts in return, which is why she didn’t want to spend much on them either, and why the internet unanimously voted “YTA”.
In order to learn more about how preferential treatment can affect the little ones in the family, Bored Panda turned to sociologist, author, and the Founding Director of the Salem State University Center for Childhood & Youth Studies in Massachusetts, Yvonne M. Vissing, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions. You will find her thoughts in the text below.
Giving presents is not about expecting something in return, but for some people that seems to be the main driving factor
Image credits: Any Lane (not the actual photo)
This woman didn’t want to spend much on her nephew’s gift as he was coming from a poor family
Image source: [deleted]
Image credits: Prostock-studio (not the actual photo)
It’s important to try to treat all the kids in the family equally
Image credits: Nicole Michalou (not the actual photo)
According to a sociologist and expert in child well-being, Yvonne M. Vissing, Christmas is the time of year to teach generosity, kindness and build bonds. “It is not about receiving big or expensive material objects. It is about receiving joy and knowing that we are part of a community of people who care about us, who will be there all year round to help us, and to celebrate a special moment that confirms that we are important.”
The expert emphasized that one of the most important things for any of us is to know that we matter, and families are the central place where we learn whether we do or not. “Being treated in a lesser way than other members of the family sends a message that we are not a priority.”
Being sure that they’re important is especially significant for children, which is why treating some of them differently from the others in the family can be quite detrimental. “It sends a message that they aren’t as loved, valued, or important as other members of the family; that for some reason, they’re not good enough and that other kids matter more than them,” Vissing pointed out.
Preferential treatment can have a detrimental effect on family relationships
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Even though it’s arguably evident without research, a study on family relationships found that such ties are very important to one’s well-being, be it with parents, siblings, or other members of the clan. In some close-knit families, that includes cousins, too, and being treated differently than the rest of them can have a strong negative impact on a young representative of the family.
“If the child is close with the other cousins and finds out that they got different—in this case, more expensive—gifts, it would imply that the aunt doesn’t like him as much as the other cousins. That can pose a long-term relationship problem,” Dr. Vissing pointed out.
The said study also suggested that as people age, family relationships tend to become more complex due to numerous factors, including diverse family structures, but they also tend to become more significant. That’s why it’s important to put effort into fostering such ties with your loved ones, and that does not necessarily entail buying expensive gifts, but typically calls for showing attentiveness and care.
“For many people, gifting is a material thing that is associated only with money and grandeur,” Dr. Vissing told Bored Panda, “but what matters is knowing that we were thought about and that we matter.”
Members of the AITA community believed the OP was a jerk in the situation
The redditor provided an update after reading through some of people’s comments
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She still doesn't get it. What a b***h. You should give this child a very lovely gift and a voucher for some nice clothes. You don't give a present bc you expect one in return.
It's amazing how many lines of text she wrote about it initially. After about 20% of that she should have realized 'yeah this is stupid', deleted the draft and corrected the situation.
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You don't give gifts based on what you are going to get in return! Let me rephrase this. No sane, caring, kind person gives gifts based on what you are going to get in return. The child should be given a gift of the same sort of value as the others. But, I'd also make up a hamper of goodies for that family. It would contain some basics, and some lovely little treats.
You can't just go out and get a job as an undocumented worker, you risk exposure at every interview (I'm not really caring about the morality of being undocumented here, more about family dynamics and petty judgements). Whatever the reason they are where they are, basic fact is 3 human beings in your given community are struggling, one is a child of circumstance and has zero choice, drop the holier than thou and care for at least the child, let the adults figure it out but don't let them freaking starve either if you have a choice in the matter. The child is precious and pure, whatever is best for the child comes first, end of.
OP even flat out says “I bought him a cheap $15 Lego set”. What a lovely message to send to a child—hey kid, your parents are poor and can’t do anything for me so you deserve to be treated like trash.
Do you know how tiny a $15 Lego set is? They start at that price where I live. It’s a little, tiny box.
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"It shouldn't be that hard to find a job." Casually ignoring that if she got caught working the whole family will be deported. They can never come back and be near their family again. Surely that's worth the probably less than minimum wage she will make. It's clear that OP makes bank because that is the only way she can be this out of touch
Seriously can't believe her whole family on her husband's side comes from other countries and she is this out of touch.
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My ex-wife used to say, "It's not the thought, it's the cost." She was an a*****e, too."
They go to work even when they don't feel like it... After 10 years of horrible experiences with many jobs, some good, but all ending because of my health conditions, I don't know how to react to this sentence. I feel so much emotions... I want to work, even on days when I don't feel like working, I need to work... But I objectively cannot find a place I could work for more than 3 months. I know this is not about me, but there are people with much worse disadvantages than me and not all of these disadvantages are visible. What if the kid needs some more help from his mom? What if the mom has some trauma from her previous country? You don't share your real problems with a shallow person like OP. There can be something deeper and they need understanding or help or just some time, they certainly do not need judgement.
That's a lot of words for 'I'm racist.' I don't know how applications for asylum or immigration work in the US, but in the UK if someone is found to be working illegally then they'll almost certainly be deported. So mom probably doesn't want to take that risk until she can legally work.
Yeah her casual comments of "undocumented immigrants" and "minority immigrants who mostly work labor jobs" contrasted with "we are financially comfortable, not rich, because I am a college graduate" really set off her elitist, racist tone. She holds herself as so much better than her husband's family, based solely on their income levels, education and types of jobs.
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I really hope this is rage bait. Maybe I'm just biased bc I'm a gift giver n I don't like getting gifts. But I would have spoiled the family bc it seems like they could use a little pick me up. I'm not an immigrant. I was born in the US. so I could never know what it's like to come to a new country n start all over in a place where I don't even know the language. That's an insanely brave n respectable thing to do for your family. So my instincts would tell me to get them all something nice n try to help them out until they can legally work. If I could afford it of course. But yeah YTA. again. I hope this is just rage bait.
It's the toy gifter troll usually scenarios they post are like this just often changes to be a poor neighbor, child in the class, sibling etc. They also make the updates worse as they love the undocumented angle. They're infamous and have had 17+ outright bans from multiple subs
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Not only is she selfish and cheap she comes off more than a bit racist as well.
She seems awful. Very transactional, double standards (it's ok for everyone else's spouse not to work but not her). She thinks a kid who can't speak English is safe being home by himself? She thinks it's easy to get a job as an undocumented worker? She seems to really resent having to help them at all. She didn't even care about how the kid would feel and won't take her husband's experience to learn about what it's like to be an immigrant. No wonder he had a negative reaction to her actions. She seems really judgemental.
So much detail about who gives/gets what to whom and why just to try to rationalize giving a lesser gift to one child when the child has zero control or choice in any of it. OP is far worse than an a*****e.
YTA, obviously. And it's understandable to be frustrated that the mom doesn't work. But she obviously doesn't know what their situation is. Aside from the fact that they just arrived there a few months ago. Give them some time to adapt. OP is acting like she's been dealing with this behavior for years or something. Help them or don't, FFS. You obviously expect this all to be transactional. I bet OP is a "Christian". And, not, all Christians are like this but many people like this lady are Christian.
At the beginning, I thought she was being sensitive to the parents' pride, knowing that they could feel obliged to reciprocate the gift. But no, she just has a thing about having some kind of approximate parity in the value of the gifts.
I am financially better off than most of my family. I do not participate in gift exchanges because I do not need more stuff. I buy gifts for people that I want to give them and price is never an consideration. Oftentimes, I don't even get to see their reactions, but I know they appreciate it. Transactional exchanges are not gifts. And OP is an absolute see you next Tuesday.
Even the Grinch was able to figure out the meaning of Christmas. I really hope this story is fake/ragebait. Having been on the short end of that stick as an adult (gorgeous leather jacket with handpainted artwork vs. small plastic slide puzzle like you'd put in a goody bag at a kid's party) let me tell you, that crap *hurts.* I can't imagine how much worse it would be for a child to be treated that way.
Just one point for thought: Friends of mine refuse gifts or invitations to restaurants, because they would feel obliged to return the favour, which they can't. I would never expect them to come with a return, gifts are gifts without obligation. We discussed that, they say they just cannot handle the pressure, not even if the invitation is for a special occasion as a birthday. I respect their wish. So maybe this L family thinks the same way as my friends. Then it is a sensible thing to do, what OP did. In some cultures you are obliged to respond to a gift with one at least of the same, actual, value as the one you received, or you put shame on your family. This would be impossible for L's family. The background is not described in detail here. Plus: The price stamp is only part of the value. Maybe it is an occasion price, or it is exactly what the child wants, a more pricey gift would not give the same joy.
Yep! Here in NL we have the holiday of Sinterklaas, where we each make a wishlist and people give you gifts off that list. My boyfriend and I aren't financial partners, and I've got a very low income because of my disability (about 4 times as low as the rest). I only ask for small gifts because I'd feel really greedy if I didn't. My in-laws commented that I'm much easier to shop for than their own children, who often ask for gifts that cost over €100. I usually ask for things that I use for my hobbies, like a new pack of knitting needles.
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I'd be giving nephew clothes, school supplies + toys. I'd give the parents gift cards for grocery stores. OP sounds like she STILL doesn't get it.
This is the clearest case of yta I've ever encountered. She keeps a tally of what she does for people?! If you can help, you help. Nothing is to be expected in return. I grew up in pretty extreme poverty (shelters and vans), and the idea that my own family would treat me differently because we couldn't give back is just unfathomable. That kid is the one who needs it the most. Even if it's practical stuff like a new bookbag or fresh socks, both the kid and the parents will be overjoyed. Still remember the first time I got something that was new. Get the kid a bike.
Whilst this particular person sounds like a massive AH, gift giving is difficult. Where families exchange gifts, if I were to buy something expensive, my fear is that they would try to match it in return, and I don't want them to do that. Likewise, I don't want them to spend lots of money on a gift for me, as I'd feel I had to buy something more for them. I also don't want my gift to be the most expensive thing that they receive. I always try to put a bit of thought into what I buy, rather than just the monetary value. I also try to eke out a little more if I'm buying from the likes of Amazon - I'd rather spend and extra £5 on the gift and get free delivery that spend less and pay postage.
I have mixed feelings. For me, it's not about the monetary value of the gift, it's about how much thought was put into it. I'd rather get someone a $15 LEGO set I know they'll enjoy than a $150 thing that they might not. In this case, since OP explicitly *said* she was getting Nephew the cheap gift grabbed at random *because* his family is poor; because OP didn't put any real care into the gift; OP is TA.
I hope this was just rage bait, because if it's real, OP is a complete POS.
I am astounded that this woman thought for even a minute that buying the child a cheaper gift because they family could reciprocate was okay on any level. I am a big fan of spending caps, particularly in large families where things can get really expensive. But this woman has completely misconstrued the meaning of gift giving.
Wow. That update. First she makes *gift* giving an entirely transactional affair. Then rails on the wife for not acting in the manner she sees fits. It's no wonder her husband is distant towards her. He was the immigrant child growing up, being treate like garbage for his parent's situation. And now he's the mother, not working and seeing how his wife really feels about such people. She can try to qualify it all she wants, but those distinctions are very telling about how she really feels about her husband's stay at home status.
well, that's messed up. She give gifts only when she' gets something of equal value in return. So if L's family is poor, L gets only cheap gifts, if any. Also, this whole "L's mom should get job" sounds oblivious. It's not easy to settle in foreigh country, there might be language barrier, and a lot of other factors. It's not like she's not working because she's lazy.
Over $30 that op can obviously and easily afford without detrimental effects to anyone from the sound of it
Load More Replies... Tables may turn. If decency alone doesn't trigger correcting any of this, the outlook that she may have to rely on his kindness should suffice. You know, it's not about money until someone makes it about money, and she did so, so he might remember being lowkeyed through his youth, and adapt any generosity towards OP, accordingly. In the aftermath of this, a present to a kid is fairly cheap in comparison anyway, and as OP seems fixated on moneyism, this kid will eventually realize that. She has it coming. Basing gifts on the ability to - not the motivation to, the ability to - return them takes out all the positive intent it may have had at some time, or at least should appear to have. After all, just skipping the gifting at all and buying whatever you wanna have, yourself, seems more practical.
TBH the first para chilled my blood. When a couple decide that one partner is staying at home to raise children and the other's going to work, you're agreeing roles that allow you to work as a team to support your joint goals. It's disgusting to say the husband has no income, but glad to see that in this family the parent with the heart is the one to stay home! That aside, in some cultures it's expected that you reciprocate and would be considered shameful if you're put in a position where you can't, but if that's a factor here it doesn't come across in the story.
What an idiot. And her college education did nothing for her grammar.
OP snubbed this kid and thinks she's being a benevolent gifter by not putting pressure on this family. It would have been better if she just said "Don't worry about getting us anything"
Wow, up until I got to the end, I thought you were going to spend more on L bc of his hard life. Then I see you want to spend less bc his parents can't afford to reciprocate. Holy s**t big giant a*****e! You totally miss the spirit of giving. I personally enjoy giving far more than receiving gifts, and I was smiling as I read thinking you were going to end this by telling us how happy you made L, You're selfish and the sad thing is, I don't think you'll ever understand why. Don't tell us you help his parents all year so you feel the CHILD should be happy with a cheap set of Lego's (seriously, $15 Lego's must consist of 5 pieces.) and even worse, you'd let him see his cousins open gifts that would fill him with hope thinking he'd get something equal. Just wow.
Yea this lady is heartless and I feel bad that they have to call her family. They deserve better. That lady is a narcissist. It makes me mad that people have this kind of logic. If I were in that situation, the kid would be getting more because of being poor. The other kids already have enough and get some from their parents. What a complete a*****e and I hope she feels ashamed after all of the YTA responses. For a moment, I thought this was trolling it is so cruel.
I am flabbergasted by how .........actually, I have no words. Wow, just wow!
My daughter in-law will sometimes message me before the holidays to tell me she cannot make it that year because she cannot afford to buy gifts. I reminder each time while there are gifts the tree (for everyone) that is not what it is about. This lady is missing the mark what gift giving for any reason is about, and their immigration status appears to be an excuse to be an evil b***h.
I seriously hope this is made up. YTA, obviously. So, you're the person who does does for others, only if they can do something for you. If they can't, well let's get the kid a dollar gift. And your husband was the same as the kid? You make a difference between the kids, that's obviously known by the kids. You seriously think it's your place to decide if his mother should be working not. Do you know what could possibly be happening in her private life? I'm pretty sure you haven't actually taken the time to get to know her as a person. Why? Because you're only focus is you, and what you can get from ppl. Then do stuff for ppl and constantly talk about the how much money you've spent, how much you've done. I have never been to any family or holiday mealand have a person be like well I bought all this, I did all.this. FYI nothing in life lasts forever, including ppl. Everyone in your life, or you, could be taken away at any time. Do you want to be remembered as a selfish b****?
YTA without question. That's getting off too easy. You're a retched, horrible person. You want to justify how you're paying to the dinner and blah blah blah. It's $30 extra!!! You won't give a gift unless you get something in return?! Your poor, poor husband.
GIVE THE CHILD A DECENT GIFT AND DON'T EXPECT THINGS BACK!!! DO GOOD TO BE KIND, NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE GETTING SOMETHING BACK!!! This is a CHILD who has already had a tough enough life. You are also still a child, mentally and emotionally, and should start on some self awareness!!! Why don't you cut out the "middle people" and just buy yourself what you want.
And you're still Tah. It doesn't matter what they would get you back. It's the kids. Oh I wanna slap you. Just get the kid some gc to a store to get clothes or something. Others prob are getting him nice gifts because it's thoughtful. Not because they expect stuff back. Ah ah ah ah ah that's all a. H. To you.
I kinda understand what she means. When you give a gift, want it or not, you also give the burden to the person you give it to to give you one. But when you give all gifts to all kids at the same time you better not make a difference and hope the poorest parents understand that you don't expect something in return.
When I "adopt" a family for Christmas, I spend $400-500 per person. Clothes, shoes, toys, special requests. I try to make it a happy Christmas. And that is for complete strangers. Instead of worrying about L's parents not being able to reciprocate, OP should think about the smile on L's face on Christmas morning when he opens his gift. THAT is the only repayment needed.
Not related to this story, but related to small presents and small incomes. Tbh I prefer receiving small presents from my in-laws. We celebrate Sinterklaas together, which is a traditional Dutch holiday. Each person makes a wishlist for Sinterklaas, and family members gift items off that list. ▪️▪️▪️My boyfriend and his brother always have super expensive things on their list. Even though their parents are well-to-do, I wouldn't dream of putting those things on. I've got a disability and my income is a third of that of my boyfriend. We're not financial partners, so my income is separate.▪️▪️▪️ The relationship with my in-laws isn't that spectacular, and I try to keep things simple. I do arts and crafts as a hobby, and there are always small things I need. Pack of new knitting needles, that sort of stuff. They've commented on my list saying that I'm much better to shop for than their sons. Whew, well done I suppose.
She must be in amazement that people in the US actually buy presents for children they don't know and will never meet, just because they want those children to share the magic of Christmas morning.
If a post is usually over a year old I don't comment but. HÈLL lady what you got wrong. It doesn't matter who works. In immigrants families mothers from other cultures often don't work. The fact you wanted to do less for a child with more need makes you so wrong. If you don't understand maybe you need some remedial education on cultures, class and empathy. You have not learned it clearly. You need to apologize to your husband and family. There isn't enough room to explain it all. You acted like a literal àsshòle. Not maybe. The internet has many places to learn about others. I tell kids never stop learning advice you clearly need. Get off reddit and learn.
Why doesn't C cook Christmas dinner? Unimportant but I'm curious. Also, what a mean mentality. If it was a rpg, I'd get it. But this is real life jeez. They can't afford gifts. Pretty sure they'd gift back if they could. I don't want to assume OP is cruel, just stupidly out of touch
Gift giving is supposed to be from the heart - NOT based on what you expect to receive in return. I'm ashamed of this heartless woman. The kid that has the least in his actual life will appreciate gifts a lot more than kids that already have enough.
This is one of the worst AITAHs I have read so far. Absolutely disgusting person.
Ok. I’m going to get downvoted. I think it’s possible she’s tired of working and providing for those that aren’t working (Good, bad, or indifferent) and may feel taken advantage of. So this resentment pours out at Christmas. Instead she needs to have good conversations and set some boundaries so she doesn’t feel taken advantage of. And she needs to recognize Christmas is not get even time. It’s a time for generosity and celebration. It’s entirely possible this is a terrible person who is just slighting children to make herself feel better. But to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she's a helpful person facing burnout and trying to right some wrongs. (the WRONG WAY)
Yes I said something similar. I think it irritates her that she has to get the money in alone. It's his family. Can't he work at least a day a week? But nasty to take it out on the kid. Just tell him you have had enough and want to split it more evenly. But that's easy talking in Holland. If he has no education and a house costs a fortune and they need a car, it may not be an option.
Load More Replies... She still doesn't get it. What a b***h. You should give this child a very lovely gift and a voucher for some nice clothes. You don't give a present bc you expect one in return.
It's amazing how many lines of text she wrote about it initially. After about 20% of that she should have realized 'yeah this is stupid', deleted the draft and corrected the situation.
Load More Replies... You don't give gifts based on what you are going to get in return! Let me rephrase this. No sane, caring, kind person gives gifts based on what you are going to get in return. The child should be given a gift of the same sort of value as the others. But, I'd also make up a hamper of goodies for that family. It would contain some basics, and some lovely little treats.
You can't just go out and get a job as an undocumented worker, you risk exposure at every interview (I'm not really caring about the morality of being undocumented here, more about family dynamics and petty judgements). Whatever the reason they are where they are, basic fact is 3 human beings in your given community are struggling, one is a child of circumstance and has zero choice, drop the holier than thou and care for at least the child, let the adults figure it out but don't let them freaking starve either if you have a choice in the matter. The child is precious and pure, whatever is best for the child comes first, end of.
OP even flat out says “I bought him a cheap $15 Lego set”. What a lovely message to send to a child—hey kid, your parents are poor and can’t do anything for me so you deserve to be treated like trash.
Do you know how tiny a $15 Lego set is? They start at that price where I live. It’s a little, tiny box.
Load More Replies... "It shouldn't be that hard to find a job." Casually ignoring that if she got caught working the whole family will be deported. They can never come back and be near their family again. Surely that's worth the probably less than minimum wage she will make. It's clear that OP makes bank because that is the only way she can be this out of touch
Seriously can't believe her whole family on her husband's side comes from other countries and she is this out of touch.
Load More Replies... My ex-wife used to say, "It's not the thought, it's the cost." She was an a*****e, too."
They go to work even when they don't feel like it... After 10 years of horrible experiences with many jobs, some good, but all ending because of my health conditions, I don't know how to react to this sentence. I feel so much emotions... I want to work, even on days when I don't feel like working, I need to work... But I objectively cannot find a place I could work for more than 3 months. I know this is not about me, but there are people with much worse disadvantages than me and not all of these disadvantages are visible. What if the kid needs some more help from his mom? What if the mom has some trauma from her previous country? You don't share your real problems with a shallow person like OP. There can be something deeper and they need understanding or help or just some time, they certainly do not need judgement.
That's a lot of words for 'I'm racist.' I don't know how applications for asylum or immigration work in the US, but in the UK if someone is found to be working illegally then they'll almost certainly be deported. So mom probably doesn't want to take that risk until she can legally work.
Yeah her casual comments of "undocumented immigrants" and "minority immigrants who mostly work labor jobs" contrasted with "we are financially comfortable, not rich, because I am a college graduate" really set off her elitist, racist tone. She holds herself as so much better than her husband's family, based solely on their income levels, education and types of jobs.
Load More Replies... I really hope this is rage bait. Maybe I'm just biased bc I'm a gift giver n I don't like getting gifts. But I would have spoiled the family bc it seems like they could use a little pick me up. I'm not an immigrant. I was born in the US. so I could never know what it's like to come to a new country n start all over in a place where I don't even know the language. That's an insanely brave n respectable thing to do for your family. So my instincts would tell me to get them all something nice n try to help them out until they can legally work. If I could afford it of course. But yeah YTA. again. I hope this is just rage bait.
It's the toy gifter troll usually scenarios they post are like this just often changes to be a poor neighbor, child in the class, sibling etc. They also make the updates worse as they love the undocumented angle. They're infamous and have had 17+ outright bans from multiple subs
Load More Replies... Not only is she selfish and cheap she comes off more than a bit racist as well.
She seems awful. Very transactional, double standards (it's ok for everyone else's spouse not to work but not her). She thinks a kid who can't speak English is safe being home by himself? She thinks it's easy to get a job as an undocumented worker? She seems to really resent having to help them at all. She didn't even care about how the kid would feel and won't take her husband's experience to learn about what it's like to be an immigrant. No wonder he had a negative reaction to her actions. She seems really judgemental.
So much detail about who gives/gets what to whom and why just to try to rationalize giving a lesser gift to one child when the child has zero control or choice in any of it. OP is far worse than an a*****e.
YTA, obviously. And it's understandable to be frustrated that the mom doesn't work. But she obviously doesn't know what their situation is. Aside from the fact that they just arrived there a few months ago. Give them some time to adapt. OP is acting like she's been dealing with this behavior for years or something. Help them or don't, FFS. You obviously expect this all to be transactional. I bet OP is a "Christian". And, not, all Christians are like this but many people like this lady are Christian.
At the beginning, I thought she was being sensitive to the parents' pride, knowing that they could feel obliged to reciprocate the gift. But no, she just has a thing about having some kind of approximate parity in the value of the gifts.
I am financially better off than most of my family. I do not participate in gift exchanges because I do not need more stuff. I buy gifts for people that I want to give them and price is never an consideration. Oftentimes, I don't even get to see their reactions, but I know they appreciate it. Transactional exchanges are not gifts. And OP is an absolute see you next Tuesday.
Even the Grinch was able to figure out the meaning of Christmas. I really hope this story is fake/ragebait. Having been on the short end of that stick as an adult (gorgeous leather jacket with handpainted artwork vs. small plastic slide puzzle like you'd put in a goody bag at a kid's party) let me tell you, that crap *hurts.* I can't imagine how much worse it would be for a child to be treated that way.
Just one point for thought: Friends of mine refuse gifts or invitations to restaurants, because they would feel obliged to return the favour, which they can't. I would never expect them to come with a return, gifts are gifts without obligation. We discussed that, they say they just cannot handle the pressure, not even if the invitation is for a special occasion as a birthday. I respect their wish. So maybe this L family thinks the same way as my friends. Then it is a sensible thing to do, what OP did. In some cultures you are obliged to respond to a gift with one at least of the same, actual, value as the one you received, or you put shame on your family. This would be impossible for L's family. The background is not described in detail here. Plus: The price stamp is only part of the value. Maybe it is an occasion price, or it is exactly what the child wants, a more pricey gift would not give the same joy.
Yep! Here in NL we have the holiday of Sinterklaas, where we each make a wishlist and people give you gifts off that list. My boyfriend and I aren't financial partners, and I've got a very low income because of my disability (about 4 times as low as the rest). I only ask for small gifts because I'd feel really greedy if I didn't. My in-laws commented that I'm much easier to shop for than their own children, who often ask for gifts that cost over €100. I usually ask for things that I use for my hobbies, like a new pack of knitting needles.
Load More Replies... I'd be giving nephew clothes, school supplies + toys. I'd give the parents gift cards for grocery stores. OP sounds like she STILL doesn't get it.
This is the clearest case of yta I've ever encountered. She keeps a tally of what she does for people?! If you can help, you help. Nothing is to be expected in return. I grew up in pretty extreme poverty (shelters and vans), and the idea that my own family would treat me differently because we couldn't give back is just unfathomable. That kid is the one who needs it the most. Even if it's practical stuff like a new bookbag or fresh socks, both the kid and the parents will be overjoyed. Still remember the first time I got something that was new. Get the kid a bike.
Whilst this particular person sounds like a massive AH, gift giving is difficult. Where families exchange gifts, if I were to buy something expensive, my fear is that they would try to match it in return, and I don't want them to do that. Likewise, I don't want them to spend lots of money on a gift for me, as I'd feel I had to buy something more for them. I also don't want my gift to be the most expensive thing that they receive. I always try to put a bit of thought into what I buy, rather than just the monetary value. I also try to eke out a little more if I'm buying from the likes of Amazon - I'd rather spend and extra £5 on the gift and get free delivery that spend less and pay postage.
I have mixed feelings. For me, it's not about the monetary value of the gift, it's about how much thought was put into it. I'd rather get someone a $15 LEGO set I know they'll enjoy than a $150 thing that they might not. In this case, since OP explicitly *said* she was getting Nephew the cheap gift grabbed at random *because* his family is poor; because OP didn't put any real care into the gift; OP is TA.
I hope this was just rage bait, because if it's real, OP is a complete POS.
I am astounded that this woman thought for even a minute that buying the child a cheaper gift because they family could reciprocate was okay on any level. I am a big fan of spending caps, particularly in large families where things can get really expensive. But this woman has completely misconstrued the meaning of gift giving.
Wow. That update. First she makes *gift* giving an entirely transactional affair. Then rails on the wife for not acting in the manner she sees fits. It's no wonder her husband is distant towards her. He was the immigrant child growing up, being treate like garbage for his parent's situation. And now he's the mother, not working and seeing how his wife really feels about such people. She can try to qualify it all she wants, but those distinctions are very telling about how she really feels about her husband's stay at home status.
well, that's messed up. She give gifts only when she' gets something of equal value in return. So if L's family is poor, L gets only cheap gifts, if any. Also, this whole "L's mom should get job" sounds oblivious. It's not easy to settle in foreigh country, there might be language barrier, and a lot of other factors. It's not like she's not working because she's lazy.
Over $30 that op can obviously and easily afford without detrimental effects to anyone from the sound of it
Load More Replies... Tables may turn. If decency alone doesn't trigger correcting any of this, the outlook that she may have to rely on his kindness should suffice. You know, it's not about money until someone makes it about money, and she did so, so he might remember being lowkeyed through his youth, and adapt any generosity towards OP, accordingly. In the aftermath of this, a present to a kid is fairly cheap in comparison anyway, and as OP seems fixated on moneyism, this kid will eventually realize that. She has it coming. Basing gifts on the ability to - not the motivation to, the ability to - return them takes out all the positive intent it may have had at some time, or at least should appear to have. After all, just skipping the gifting at all and buying whatever you wanna have, yourself, seems more practical.
TBH the first para chilled my blood. When a couple decide that one partner is staying at home to raise children and the other's going to work, you're agreeing roles that allow you to work as a team to support your joint goals. It's disgusting to say the husband has no income, but glad to see that in this family the parent with the heart is the one to stay home! That aside, in some cultures it's expected that you reciprocate and would be considered shameful if you're put in a position where you can't, but if that's a factor here it doesn't come across in the story.
What an idiot. And her college education did nothing for her grammar.
OP snubbed this kid and thinks she's being a benevolent gifter by not putting pressure on this family. It would have been better if she just said "Don't worry about getting us anything"
Wow, up until I got to the end, I thought you were going to spend more on L bc of his hard life. Then I see you want to spend less bc his parents can't afford to reciprocate. Holy s**t big giant a*****e! You totally miss the spirit of giving. I personally enjoy giving far more than receiving gifts, and I was smiling as I read thinking you were going to end this by telling us how happy you made L, You're selfish and the sad thing is, I don't think you'll ever understand why. Don't tell us you help his parents all year so you feel the CHILD should be happy with a cheap set of Lego's (seriously, $15 Lego's must consist of 5 pieces.) and even worse, you'd let him see his cousins open gifts that would fill him with hope thinking he'd get something equal. Just wow.
Yea this lady is heartless and I feel bad that they have to call her family. They deserve better. That lady is a narcissist. It makes me mad that people have this kind of logic. If I were in that situation, the kid would be getting more because of being poor. The other kids already have enough and get some from their parents. What a complete a*****e and I hope she feels ashamed after all of the YTA responses. For a moment, I thought this was trolling it is so cruel.
I am flabbergasted by how .........actually, I have no words. Wow, just wow!
My daughter in-law will sometimes message me before the holidays to tell me she cannot make it that year because she cannot afford to buy gifts. I reminder each time while there are gifts the tree (for everyone) that is not what it is about. This lady is missing the mark what gift giving for any reason is about, and their immigration status appears to be an excuse to be an evil b***h.
I seriously hope this is made up. YTA, obviously. So, you're the person who does does for others, only if they can do something for you. If they can't, well let's get the kid a dollar gift. And your husband was the same as the kid? You make a difference between the kids, that's obviously known by the kids. You seriously think it's your place to decide if his mother should be working not. Do you know what could possibly be happening in her private life? I'm pretty sure you haven't actually taken the time to get to know her as a person. Why? Because you're only focus is you, and what you can get from ppl. Then do stuff for ppl and constantly talk about the how much money you've spent, how much you've done. I have never been to any family or holiday mealand have a person be like well I bought all this, I did all.this. FYI nothing in life lasts forever, including ppl. Everyone in your life, or you, could be taken away at any time. Do you want to be remembered as a selfish b****?
YTA without question. That's getting off too easy. You're a retched, horrible person. You want to justify how you're paying to the dinner and blah blah blah. It's $30 extra!!! You won't give a gift unless you get something in return?! Your poor, poor husband.
GIVE THE CHILD A DECENT GIFT AND DON'T EXPECT THINGS BACK!!! DO GOOD TO BE KIND, NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE GETTING SOMETHING BACK!!! This is a CHILD who has already had a tough enough life. You are also still a child, mentally and emotionally, and should start on some self awareness!!! Why don't you cut out the "middle people" and just buy yourself what you want.
And you're still Tah. It doesn't matter what they would get you back. It's the kids. Oh I wanna slap you. Just get the kid some gc to a store to get clothes or something. Others prob are getting him nice gifts because it's thoughtful. Not because they expect stuff back. Ah ah ah ah ah that's all a. H. To you.
I kinda understand what she means. When you give a gift, want it or not, you also give the burden to the person you give it to to give you one. But when you give all gifts to all kids at the same time you better not make a difference and hope the poorest parents understand that you don't expect something in return.
When I "adopt" a family for Christmas, I spend $400-500 per person. Clothes, shoes, toys, special requests. I try to make it a happy Christmas. And that is for complete strangers. Instead of worrying about L's parents not being able to reciprocate, OP should think about the smile on L's face on Christmas morning when he opens his gift. THAT is the only repayment needed.
Not related to this story, but related to small presents and small incomes. Tbh I prefer receiving small presents from my in-laws. We celebrate Sinterklaas together, which is a traditional Dutch holiday. Each person makes a wishlist for Sinterklaas, and family members gift items off that list. ▪️▪️▪️My boyfriend and his brother always have super expensive things on their list. Even though their parents are well-to-do, I wouldn't dream of putting those things on. I've got a disability and my income is a third of that of my boyfriend. We're not financial partners, so my income is separate.▪️▪️▪️ The relationship with my in-laws isn't that spectacular, and I try to keep things simple. I do arts and crafts as a hobby, and there are always small things I need. Pack of new knitting needles, that sort of stuff. They've commented on my list saying that I'm much better to shop for than their sons. Whew, well done I suppose.
She must be in amazement that people in the US actually buy presents for children they don't know and will never meet, just because they want those children to share the magic of Christmas morning.
If a post is usually over a year old I don't comment but. HÈLL lady what you got wrong. It doesn't matter who works. In immigrants families mothers from other cultures often don't work. The fact you wanted to do less for a child with more need makes you so wrong. If you don't understand maybe you need some remedial education on cultures, class and empathy. You have not learned it clearly. You need to apologize to your husband and family. There isn't enough room to explain it all. You acted like a literal àsshòle. Not maybe. The internet has many places to learn about others. I tell kids never stop learning advice you clearly need. Get off reddit and learn.
Why doesn't C cook Christmas dinner? Unimportant but I'm curious. Also, what a mean mentality. If it was a rpg, I'd get it. But this is real life jeez. They can't afford gifts. Pretty sure they'd gift back if they could. I don't want to assume OP is cruel, just stupidly out of touch
Gift giving is supposed to be from the heart - NOT based on what you expect to receive in return. I'm ashamed of this heartless woman. The kid that has the least in his actual life will appreciate gifts a lot more than kids that already have enough.
This is one of the worst AITAHs I have read so far. Absolutely disgusting person.
Ok. I’m going to get downvoted. I think it’s possible she’s tired of working and providing for those that aren’t working (Good, bad, or indifferent) and may feel taken advantage of. So this resentment pours out at Christmas. Instead she needs to have good conversations and set some boundaries so she doesn’t feel taken advantage of. And she needs to recognize Christmas is not get even time. It’s a time for generosity and celebration. It’s entirely possible this is a terrible person who is just slighting children to make herself feel better. But to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she's a helpful person facing burnout and trying to right some wrongs. (the WRONG WAY)
Yes I said something similar. I think it irritates her that she has to get the money in alone. It's his family. Can't he work at least a day a week? But nasty to take it out on the kid. Just tell him you have had enough and want to split it more evenly. But that's easy talking in Holland. If he has no education and a house costs a fortune and they need a car, it may not be an option.
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