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“Farting In Front Of A Partner Leads To A Stronger Relationship.” “Crying Can Help You Lose Weight.” If these headlines sound like enough of the internet for you today, let me tell you, we've only started.
Thanks to the “Funny News Headlines” Instagram account that collects some of the worst, most bizarre and plain stupid news headlines, we have quite a collection to facepalm at today. Beware not to drink any beverages while scrolling through, since the chances of spit-take are really high.
With 231k followers, the account is gaining popularity every day, and you can see why. For anyone who appreciates the absurdity of our everyday life, this one is a treat you’ve been waiting for. Psst! More of the worst newspaper headlines await in our previous post.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
This Is Beautiful
Don Golosso 4 years ago
Maybe he was really bad. In Dutch we'll call off key singing or playing "kattengejank" or cats crying. So maybe that's how he got his new audience...
Robert T 4 years ago
Much the same in English. We call it "caterwauling". There is also a phrase "strangling the cat", which you might have heard in the Bond Film, Goldeneye. https://youtu.be/aTxZeHy4kOI
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RELATED:
#2
It’s So Good To See The Different Fruits Unite
Raven Sheridan 4 years ago
That reporter better be careful, if their suspending bananas, he might end up charged with statutory grape! 🍇
#3
Amazing
Julia Atkinson 4 years ago
"We've smashed in three doors and held the residents at gunpoint...and now you tell me YOU FORGOT TO BRING THE MINT THINS?"
Linda Roy 4 years ago
Who knew they were so badass...They look so innocent 😇
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After scrolling through this post, you may wonder what on earth the journalists, writers, and content creators were thinking to come up with such absurd headlines. Some of them are surely made out of pure bluntness, but others… they make you wonder. So in order to find out more about the art of headline making, we spoke to Lina Survila, an editor in chief of “Abstract Stylist” online magazine who has years of experience of working in press.
Lina started off by saying that getting your headline clicked is hard work. “Unfortunately, editors are often pressured to bring better results with each article, so headline wars have become the real deal today."
#4
Worth A Try
LOttawa 4 years ago
Thankfully it did not and the murderer is still in jail. He seemed to have forgotten that to be dead, you need to be declared dead by a medical professional, which, in this case, he was not.
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Louloubelle 4 years ago
Why does this sound like it's from a Monty Python Skit? "I'm not dead. Yes, you are. Well almost dead".
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
It does not work. Death is defined as an irreversible state... So if you are not dead anymore, you have never been dead.
BasedWang 4 years ago
hmmmmmm.... Maybe with this knowledge he coulda acted like a completely different person and pulled some religious exemption stuff and atleast had a chance
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#5
Deserved?
Ty Stratton-Quirk 4 years ago
Please tell me he survived. There aren't enough elephants left in the world.
Daria B 4 years ago (edited)
Upvoting your comment because you're focused on the wellbeing of the elephant, rather than celebrating a person's death. I know, unpopular opinion here, do whatever you want. Ready to catch any stone that might get thrown at me from now.
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Lacey Heward 4 years ago
If your close enough to shoot and kill an elephant to have it fall on you, either 1. Your being charged by a male elephant and pissed it off by not minding your own business, or 2. Your not actually hunting but literally killing an animal that's just chillin' right next to you. Either way, there's some poetic justice.
#6
Good One
The swede. 4 years ago
Because karma gave the shooter his karma points and the armadillio lives to tell the story of stupid people :)
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September Meadows 4 years ago
Now people start trapping armadillos to make bullet proof redneck armor
It turns out that there's a fine line between an informative headline and a fake one, Lina argues. “First, we all need to know that headlines play a big role in Google's ranking magic. Every editor has a wish for their article to reach the top position, meaning more clicks if a user is often searching for it.”
“So because an editor wants to reach more people, they end up using trendy keywords which result in misleading headlines,” Lina explained and added that it happens more often than you’d think.
#7
Legend
Buren 4 years ago
I hope there is a way for him to do things he loves. Nursing home shouldn't be prison
Soggy Crumpet 4 years ago (edited)
Depends why he is in a nursing home. If it for a debilitating mental state like Alzheimer’s where mental clarity can come and go, he should not be allowed out. But I agree that hopefully the things he loves can somehow be brought to him.
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Walking On Sunshine 4 years ago
We're not gonna take it! No we ain't gonna take it! We're not gonna take it, anymore!"
J. Normal 4 years ago
Most nursing homes are just warehousing for seniors to die. The expensive ones have "trips" to the shopping center. Neighbor is not even allowed to take her mother out for lunch. " you can sit here while she eats". They have jigsaw puzzles ( which they switch out 2x a month), and they do the same crafts as I taught my preschoolers ( How much can you do with rounded scissors, watered down white glue and glitter? the results are about the same), the staff chooses which family friendly shows to watch, and they have g rated movie nights Disney is the norm. Music must be country or classical and played in the common room. Cards are allowed, but no poker nor gambling of any kind.
Hutt'nKloas 4 years ago
@ J. Normal: In that case.................please get me a suicide pill!
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#8
This Is Amazing
Kimi Tomminello 4 years ago
😂😂😂😂 I got 1 of my dogs this way. Bestest good boy I've ever had the pleasure of handling.
DennyS (denzoren) 4 years ago
Count me in...where are these friendly little bastards, I'd take 10!
Henry Russell 4 years ago
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
TaylorsVersion111 4 years ago
So cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute
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Misha Christensen-wildeman 4 years ago
I WANT I WANT I WANT gimmi gimmi gimmi i become a need not a want
#9
Legend
Meanwhile, the news headlines sometimes “sound a little harsh sometimes, as they're spoiling all articles for everyone. But poetic, beautiful headlines often don't capture the essence of the text, so people who are used to reading their news fast don't take time to appreciate it or click to see if this article is something in their interest.”
The problem is that nowadays, anything can be called news, according to Lina. “An elephant giving birth is news, a funny story about a chicken is news. It gets people's attention. You can’t blame them. If this is the content they read and actually click on it, editors will have to produce more of it.”
#10
This Is Who I Want In Charge Of My Country
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
It does mean something when people prefer a dog over humans to be their mayor. I just wonder what.... Also; would they vote a dog for president if given the choice?
Rodrigo Villa 4 years ago
I'm crying, I just found out that he died in 2019. Rest in peace, you beautiful soul.
#11
Hold Up
Casey Burns 4 years ago
Just remember. Anytime someone is trying to kill you always say, "I can pay you double!' Then hit them in the head with a lamp.
Vicky Z 4 years ago
We don't give money back you can have a toaster for refund! I'm glad the woman survived
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Narwhal Blast 4 years ago
This is a wholesome story! https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/02/05/wife-crashes-her-own-funeral-horrifying-her-husband-who-had-paid-have-her-killed/
Load More Replies... #12
Awww
Spock's Socks 4 years ago
I think duck costume therapy for anxiety attacks should be mandatory. "I am so cute I forgot about crying"
Sofie 4 years ago
My therapist did suggest using a weighted blanket or vest to ease anxiety, for real. The vest you could for example wear before an exam. When I tried the vest on it felt like someone was holding me which was comforting but also made me feel even more lonely 🤣 But anyway I can understand why this goat feels safe wearing that costume.
However, fake news is something that should be taken more seriously. Lina explained that “clickbait headlines often mislead people, and those who do not bother to open the article might mislead other people too by spreading the wrong message. For example, recently, I read that K. Reaves is married to Winona Ryder, well, it was stated in the headline, and actually, they were married in the movie.” Lina said it’s a good example of how misleading a headline can be, and in fact she would call it a case of “fake news.”
#13
He Just Respects Mother Nature
cybermerlin2000 4 years ago
The boss nods with admiration and says, "You have to come in after the kids have gone to school. I'm doing the same"
September Meadows 4 years ago
I always hate messing up fresh snow, to compensate I'll often create little dramas in it to entertain or bewilder the next passer by.
#14
Legend
Jasam Nitko 4 years ago
I did that... A strange plant showed up in my garden. Probably from mixed seeds I bought. I didn't pay it any attention until my neighbor told me what it was. Then I took good care of it.
LittleWombat 4 years ago
Funny story - my mom was an avid gardener and years ago was walking through the garden of a family friend with the wife of that couple. Mom commented on the beautiful plant with the unusual leaves and the wife laughed and told her that was her husband's pot plant. Before that, mom had wanted seeds haha! Would've been pretty funny to send my mom home to grow her own beautiful pot plant that she wouldn't have known was pot!
Wondering Alice 4 years ago
My mum found my sisters pot plant, wanted to take a cutting. I told her she couldn't because it is wrong to take plants from one country to another (sister lived abroad). My mum was up for trying to smuggle it through customs - pritty miffed when we wouldnt let her. Also anoyed back home when trying to describe to garden center - esspecialy the part about lovely smell - and they just laught. Took 10 years to tell her
Load More Replies... Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
How do you get cannabis seeds by accident? I want to know! For trivia knowledge, of course...
Alan Green 4 years ago
It's not unusual for hemp/cannabis seeds to be in various types of animal feed, like bird food for example. So it's possible one seed could fall to the floor and germinate. Plus, here in UK you can buy cannabis seeds as it's not against the law to have them but it IS illegal to germinate/grow them.
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LittleWombat 4 years ago
People in our area have been known to plant their cannabis plants in wild areas to go back to harvest them, so they aren't on their property. You'll sometimes come across them if you're off a beaten path! It wouldn't be impossible or even far fetched for birds to carry the seeds.
Leslie Burleson 4 years ago
I'm sorry , how do you accidentally grow weed . I'm asking for ... ok , I'm asking for me
#15
Lmao Tag A Vegan
Bobert Robertson 4 years ago
On the flip side, meat does NOT know it's being eaten, because it is dead
Ivana 4 years ago
This actually makes me sad. Does that also mean they know that I am a horrible plant parent who forgets to water them for a month?
ZAPanda 4 years ago
Apparently one of them died while devoutly following their diet. https://www.theguardian.com/uk/1999/sep/22/gerardseenan1#:~:text=Last%20year%20an%20Australian%20woman,100%20yards%20from%20her%20tent.
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Tweetysvoice 4 years ago
I had to look it up... https://www.businessinsider.com/plants-know-they-are-being-eaten-2014-10
Kitty Kat 4 years ago
How can a plant "know" anything? They can respond to stimuli, but without brains, they can't "know" things.
RedMarbles 4 years ago
Not sure why you got downvoted. The plant may react, but it seems unlikely they can think about it or feel any emotion about it with no central nervous system. I find it sad when plants are harmed or killed so I get the sentiment, but there's no known way for them to be having any thoughts so it seems overwhelmingly likely that they do not.
Load More Replies... #16
Genius
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
I presume this is to pay for medical costs? I understand in America people are forced to do ridiculous things like this.
KJ 4 years ago
But the boomerang did exactly what it was supposed to do, he should counter sue himself.
GirlFriday 4 years ago
This is is out of context., He didn't sue himself, he sued his homeowners insurance to cover his medical costs.
XenoMurph 4 years ago
No, unlike car insurance, you don't claim for the incident, you have to actually claim against the individual, the insurance company pays out if the claim and incident are covered. The individual homeowner would be the person named on the lawsuit, not the insurance company even though they ultimately pay the bill. In some countries anyway.
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Warloew Brinn 4 years ago
Quit my job today and spent my last paycheck on boomerangs. I live in Kentucky. I'm gonna sue my ass off.
James Pasquini 3 years ago
I'll wait until after my wife tries. Then I'll break the news that the story was fake.
Load More Replies... #17
Don’t Blame Them Tbh
SydneyP 4 years ago
I vote we send Trump to the cave and we let the boys stay. They’ve already proven themselves more intelligent.
Thomson StClair 4 years ago
burrardstreetjournal.com is a parody site, so of course the headline is funny. It's their job.
Vexorg2 4 years ago
Especially when you're probably facing an all fast food meal if you show up.
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#18
This Kid Is Ahead Of The Game
Hannah Edwards 4 years ago
He’d clearly thought it through and came up with the most plausible excuse he could think of. Nice try.
Orange is aging 4 years ago
I can see the social media post already! Imagine: in 36 years: “TIL that [his name, when he’s a celebrity] stole a CAR and drove 68 miles when he was ten and told the police he was a dwarf”
#19
Get Me There
Don Golosso 4 years ago
Simpsons did this too! But they added barber floor hair when people came to the fire to get high.
Luther von Wolfen 4 years ago
My dad says the Army base where he was stationed in Vietnam would occasionally do drug sweeps and burn everything they found. Same effect.
Susie Elle 4 years ago
There's a video of an occurrence like this where the news reported gets increasingly giggly
Valley Girl 4 years ago
I visited Pigeon Forge, TN as a teenager. I was walking the mountain when I started to feel high. The ATF seized and burned a TON of weed off the mountain, like dozens of dumptrucks.
Carol Emory 4 years ago
Every store within a 10 mile radius of the town is cleaned out of anything that can be eaten.....
#20
Look How Proud He Is
DennyS (denzoren) 4 years ago
Diego you sly tortoise...you know your species wasn't going extinct but they believed it! Lol
Kimi Tomminello 4 years ago
It was part of a conservation effort. He was the primary male and fathered, i think, over a thousand offspring. Though many females were used so you're not wrong in saying it wasn't just him 😉
Load More Replies... Julia Atkinson 4 years ago
"It was a bit of an effort," said Diego this morning. "I'm 23 and now I look more like 137. But someone had to do it."
LittleWombat 4 years ago
Go, Diego, Go! ¡Vamos, Diego, Vamos! ¡Al Rescate, amigos! Wow, this episode of the kids' show is a little raunchier than most!!! Hahaha!
#21
You’ve Got To Limber Up
La Kalypso 4 years ago
Uh... "Dunkin' Donuts robber"? What's there to rob of any value? Dude is still quite serious with his stretching, and all. People are funny.
#22
Mood
Carol Emory 4 years ago
It's like the old joke "I like long romantic walks on the beach with my girlfriend until the LSD wears off and I realize I'm dragging a mannequin around the parking lot at Wendy's...."
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
Ok... Bored Panda censors c**n, f**k and c**k, but not 100% clearly distinguishable testicles?
#23
Oooof
September Meadows 4 years ago (edited)
After this happened several people, who climbed Everest, and happen to be vegan, came forward and said it's been done, not realizing themselves it was such a big deal. Her autopsy showed she died of starvation. She wasn't consuming enough calories to keep up with what she was burning. You have to be eating constantly doing such things.
Kimi Tomminello 4 years ago
Vegan for personal reasons vs vegan for the attention.
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Goth mouse (they/them) 4 years ago
Sadly loads of people die on mount everest, its incredibly dangerous
Cecily Holland 4 years ago
Vegans climbing Everest that have died or gotten really sick all had one factor were suffering from hypoxia or oxygen starvation because of low iron levels. We had a Vegan crew employee recently get sick when the cabin depressurised a bit with a faulty seal. She passed out pretty quick. She takes an iron supplement now
Adam Jeff 4 years ago
Pretty much everyone who climbs Everest suffers from hypoxia. It's not called the 'death zone' for nothing.
Load More Replies... Hans Peter 4 years ago
I'm not vegan or anything, but am I the only one who thinks that all these anti-vegan posts make this site look a bit weird?
Random person 4 years ago
Though I have to admit the page in fact has articles on how cursing is the ultimate sin and others along the topic, so everything should be taken with a grain of salt. (Yes, cursing is overused a bit, but isn't the worst evil on this earth)
Random person 4 years ago
Oh ha ha, this is absolutely *hilarious*! /s (this is sarcasm for people who don't understand /s)
Load More Replies... #24
Well She Looks Normal
Sofie 4 years ago
Training squirrels yeah, they hop here and there and everywhere until you get all cross-eyed 🤣
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Nupraptor 4 years ago
Any time you see a crazy story with a mugshot like this, just assume it's fake. https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/attack-squirrels-arrest/
Evil Little Thing 4 years ago
Apparently rather than training squirrels, she was actually throwing bricks through her father-in-law's windows.
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#25
He Looks Absolutely Dashing
SomePeopleCallMeMaurice 4 years ago
Tweed seems on point. But now I’m trying to picture him in silk charmeuse, and it isn’t quite as dignified.
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April Stephens 4 years ago
I showed this to my aunt a few years ago, and her reaction was to say, in all seriousness, "Interesting, but I don't like the cut of those pants on him."
Tracey Hill 4 years ago
WHAAAAT? You sure? Bummer. I was going to have suits tailored for my goats and cattle, too. KillJoy. 😂
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#26
Same
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
It sounds possible. If you don't known people think you are missing, and you see a search party looking for someone without telling you the missing person's name (yours), how could you know you are the one you are looking for?
Casey Burns 4 years ago
MrBallen on YouTube explains this story very well. But it has a very sad ending.
Sage Gusano 4 years ago (edited)
"Excuse me, have you seen the person in this picture?" "Yeah...that's you."
#27
Got To Make Sure
Vicky Z 4 years ago
My relatives would still ask them when they are planning to have kids🙄🙄
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Sky Render 4 years ago
I will never again feel that my wife and I took a long time to get married. 19 years of knowing each other and 5 years of living together before tying the knot is a drop in the pan by comparison to that!
#28
Oh No
#29
What A Legend
Pat Dobson 4 years ago
Not value so much but my Sister and I went to see Queen at Knebworth in 1986 (Freddies last show). They allowed NO bottles of ANYTHING into the arena. My Sister had a bottle of lime juice 2/3rds full of vodka. She wouldn't throw it away so we sat and drunk it before going in - great gig !!
Nooberton 4 years ago
Must have been fun for her waiting in the bathroom line…
Load More Replies... Cold Contagious 4 years ago
Sounds like someone asking for trouble. I empathize with the dilemma but the whole bottle, woah.
Vasana Phong 4 years ago
Hmm, yes I admit I’ll do the same, they’ll probably take it and keep it for themselves anyways
Nooberton 4 years ago
“Ladies and gentleman, the bathrooms on this plane are closed for maintenance for the rest of our flight”
Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey 3 years ago
and then wasnt allowed on the flight anyway because she was drunk....
#30
Genius
Helen Haley 4 years ago
To pull off anything, one must commit to the bit.
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Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
She was just trying to be polite. Surprisingly, telling people "I don't like you, don't talk to me" upsets them... Snowflakes...
#31
He Kinda Does
cybermerlin2000 4 years ago
Commander Donner before he drove off in his Pitta Jeep with his 2 second in commands Saladin and Minzorce
#32
Fully Deserved
Huddo's sister 4 years ago
I somehow managed to avoid hearing it ever, just knowing I wouldn't like it. Thankfully it came out just after I finished teaching primary school and long enough before teaching preschool that it wasn't requested (don't get me started on Baby shark though!)
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#33
No Wonder They Taste So Good
ThEboRedEsTpANdA 4 years ago
I mean, this is obviously fake, but omg I'm laughing so hard rn. Also thereisnews.com has such fake sh*t just look at it
Carol Emory 4 years ago
Had a co-worker tell me that when she misbehaved, her mother would tell her if she didn't straighten up, she'd take her to IKEA which the mother claimed stood for International Kid Exchange Association. That's why there was a ball pit. You bring your misbehaving child and exchange them for a new, more well-behaved kid.
Patrick McKemie 4 years ago
Are we talking Swedish people only, or people from around the world? Ethnic food can upset my stomach sometimes.
#34
It’s Simple
#35
Legend
mcborge1 4 years ago
You just know some other headline for this story read: Drunken pigs boarish behavior triggers battle with cattle.
Huddo's sister 4 years ago
Probably what they would come up with on one of the morning shows, never let even the most basic pun fly by
Load More Replies... DonS 4 years ago
For those wondering... it was an Australian pig who drank a six-packs of beer. https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/australasia/boozy-feral-pig-steals-beer-gets-drunk-and-starts-fight-with-a-cow-8805312.html
#36
I Don’t Think That’s How It Works...
Dorothy Parker 4 years ago
Genetically possible even if parents appear White. Mom's response, though...oh my.
Vic D 4 years ago
I grew up with a black guy both parents where white, dna test proved they where both the parents, turns out his mother had a black ancestor.
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Tara Moov 4 years ago
There was an old joke about a white expectant father being shown a black baby to see if he'd believe his wife had cheated on him, but everyone was amazed that he accepted the child as his own kid. His explanation: "Oh, my wife burns everything!"
Thorfin Wolfsbane 4 years ago (edited)
Oh this is a conservative strategy - blame them for that which you yourself are guilty of before they blame you for it.
UpQuarkDownQuark 4 years ago
How do people this ignorant survive into adulthood? You’d like they would have died sticking their tongues to frozen power lines with Tide Pods in their mouths before they were old enough to have children.
FailBunny17 4 years ago
😂😅 Even funnier knowing there are people out there who would really believe this is possible.
#37
That’s A Lot Of Divorce Papers Right There...
Kitty Kat 4 years ago
The headline does not indicate that the divorce papers are from the art student's own marriage or even that the student was married.
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#38
Hey Panini
Robert T 4 years ago
If he looks like a panini, why did they use a picture of a cheese and ham toastie made with sliced white bread?
BasedWang 4 years ago
I hate that you're right, because thats not how an ACTUAL panino look even tho this is what people see panini as in alotta places
Load More Replies... Cold Contagious 4 years ago
That's unattractive. Something about it is saying Tiger King to me and not in a good way. I don't think there is a good way for something to have any essence of Tiger King.
Bacony Cakes 4 years ago
Smells too much like burnt alligators and international crime. Neither of those are good smells.
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#39
So Sad
ThatKidJack 4 years ago
I don't know about the smell. Last time I left Garlic bread in the oven too long it smelled like Chernobyl.
Orange is aging 4 years ago
Press F to pay respects. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
#40
That Cat Must Feel Like A King
Romenriel 4 years ago
I laughed but only because there's Atlantic ocean between me and the cat.
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Siddharth Karia 3 years ago
At least the cat allowed them to get into swimwear before it did that.
Wise beauty 4 years ago (edited)
Karen’s reacting to my cat walking by their house… GASP without a leash!!!
#41
It Was The Holy Spirit
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
No, dude, you misunderstood. You are supposed to blame the DOG, not the GOD.
cybermerlin2000 4 years ago (edited)
And the lord's angels blew their trumpets, and the world beheld their mighty blast. They fell to their knees and began praying fervently to beg that the angels not blow again. Iziah stood up and asked "Dear angels, why does the breath you blow your fanfare with smell of sh*t?" to which an angel took the trumpet out of his r*ctum and said "Well, this one time, in band camp..."
Bender Bending Rodríguez 4 years ago
Boy, oh boy. I was very invested in your story and did not see that coming. You get an upvote.
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Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey 3 years ago
um, mine would absolutely be a Demon, not the Spirit....
#42
Big Mood
Donkey boi 4 years ago
Now to fair to Mc D's, they never called it a 'Make you happy meal', they were stating that the meal itself was happy.
Vasana Phong 4 years ago
What? Is this the same guy that tried suing Red Bull because he didn’t “ grow wings”
Casey Burns 4 years ago
Of course McDonalds is still gonna be depressed. Think of all the obesity they've caused.
Thorfin Wolfsbane 4 years ago
not positive, but pretty sure "happy' is not the antonym for 'depressed', because while I'm not happy, neither am I depressed.
#43
I Wonder Why?
Chris Freeman 4 years ago
Which one, the idiot who thinks a 10 is now interested in him, (a 1 physically) and not the money or the woman? Eh, two consenting adults, I just hope he protects himself and doesn't lose it all to her. His money, his choice on how to spend it.
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hobbitly 4 years ago
And she found someone who only wanted her for her body. And they are both adults so its fine.
Load More Replies... Spock's Socks 4 years ago
Reminds me of one of those pictures captioned "Guess which of these two people is a millionaire". Sigh.
Zoe's Mom 4 years ago
I was trying to find the article but because it's so old, I don't think it's on line anymore but this wasn't true. I think she's a waitress.
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Jesse Taylor 4 years ago (edited)
It's a hoax! https://www.ibtimes.com/did-181-million-lottery-winner-find-love-his-life-viral-photo-exposed-hoax-1522938
#44
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Paul Macdonell 4 years ago
The ham and Pineapple pizza or known as an Hawaiian pizza was invented 40 years ago in Windsor Ontario. I love it but don't know why.....
John L 4 years ago
Because the sweetness of the pineapple goes well with the saltiness of the other ingredients. Also what most Hawaiian pizza haters don't realize is that the tomato is also a fruit.
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Orange is aging 4 years ago
I have NO IDEA why people pretend to hate pineapple pizza. It’s absolutely DELICIOUS! I’m pretty much convinced that if you say you don’t like pineapple pizza you’re just refusing to try it. Not sorry at all. Good night
Huddo's sister 4 years ago
I don't like it, but recently discovered that's because I don't like pineapple (thought it was just the texture but recently tried the juice and still didn't like it. I don't understand why people get so het up about it though, people are allowed to like food others don't. Saying it 'doesn't belong on pizza' doesn't make sense because there are a lot of toppings that are not 'traditional' Italian pizza toppings that don't get the same hate.
Load More Replies... September Meadows 4 years ago
Pizza is a pie. Pies are made with fruit. Pineapple belongs on pizza. 😘
Orange is aging 4 years ago
LEAVE US ALONE! We need a club for this. HorrorEyeArcadeIsAgingBecauseItsAnOrange. Sounds great to me, how bout you?
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Mpkfighter Plays 4 years ago
I’ve had it, I hate it. Just an opinion, don’t downvote me for it
#45
Imagine
Daniel (ShadowDrakken) 4 years ago
I mean, you'd think you'd have figured it out by 6 months: "Hey, how come my puppies aren't growing? Shouldn't they be almost full size by now?"
Oopsydaisy 4 years ago
He'd have figured it out a lot quicker if he'd taken them to the vets for their shots and to be neutered.
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James Pasquini 3 years ago
The newborn cubs look just puppies. Even the vet was fooled at the beginning. But these things grow much faster and eat a lot more than puppies. lol! I watched a video about this. He was allowed to keep them. Not sure if it was for good or until they reached a certain age. But it was a good video.
Load More Replies... Vasana Phong 4 years ago
Lots of news worthy articles on this thread from the highly reputable daily mail
#46
I Like His Jeans
Rijkærd 4 years ago
Florida sounds like the weird experiments offsite location for the entire US society.
#47
I Bet They Loved Every Minute Of That
Tara Moov 4 years ago
I looked it up and it happened on a flight from Dubai to Amsterdam. A man wouldn't stop farting and follow passengers complained, but the crew did nothing to help (not sure there was anything they COULD have done!). Two men in particular were getting angry, and a fight broke out. It was four passengers who got kicked off when they landed, NOT the very flatulent guy. Two were the young men who started the fight, but two others were Moroccan women who claim they just happened to be sitting in the same row as the unknown men and had nothing to do with it. As of the press date all four had been banned from flying the article, and the women were planning to sue about their unfair treatment.
Sage Gusano 4 years ago
I'm going to see if I get this same result at work. "You need to go home. Your farts are knocking out your coworkers."
Kristin Ingersoll 4 years ago
Except they didn't make HIM leave. They removed the two guys that fought with him over it.
Vicky Z 4 years ago (edited)
With these farts there is no need for a pilot! It flies itself
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#48
Very Helpful Drawing
𝖊𝖆 4 years ago
They clearly did this to make him feel better and encourage kids to report things to the police. I think it’s really sweet they said he helped
Shelby Jackson 4 years ago
That's what I thought too. That was very nice of them.
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Vicki Cooper 4 years ago
I think it’s sweet that the Police told him that his drawing helped. Just hope he doesn’t want to be a police sketch artist when he gets older.
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago (edited)
Oh, right... The world-famous bald guy with pants and shoses.
Shelby Jackson 4 years ago
I think it's sweet the PD said he helped. All artists had to start somewhere. I've seen people make amazing artistic strides in a year or 2 with consistent practice.
MyOpinionHasBeenServed 4 years ago
I drew a sketch of a suspect that helped catch a house robber. Where's my honorable certificate? Better yet, they could have hired me to do suspect sketches. The officer said it was an amazing work of art.
#49
Ironic
September Meadows 4 years ago
Blood doping is unfair in sports but it's a boon when traveling! Did it in the military, no jet lag, super easy time zone adjustments, and getting climatized to a tropical environment from a winter temperate one was no problem, barely an inconvenience.
Evil Little Thing 4 years ago
It also greatly increases your chance of stroke/embolism, so go easy on the blood doping.
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#50
There Goes My Hero
September Meadows 4 years ago
Haven’t seen the news? Apparently it's, Beware the Amazon delivery driver, these days.
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Randolph Croft 4 years ago
How many of those half-brothers-and-sisters got married and had kids?
Lyone Fein 4 years ago
All those people who grew up on his former routes have to DNA test everyone they date now. To make sure they aren't siblings.
Laura Jackson 4 years ago
"Nor rain, nor sleet, nor snow, nor hail shall keep a postman from his appointed rounds."
#51
F To Pay Respects
Will Schultz 4 years ago
Yeah, I remember this! It was in Washington DC, and the robot's name was steve.
#52
If Only I Could Do This
#53
I Don’t Think Anyone Would Respond Well To This
Jess-a-men 4 years ago
The "scientist" who proposed this... did he maybe have messy white hair that stuck out like he'd been recently electrocuted? A torn, blood-covered labcoat? Large shiny glasses? Did he cackle loudly and yell about how people called him "mad, but I'll show them all"? Just curious.
Arianna Ibbotson 4 years ago
I would painc in an underwater elevator! I DON'T HAVE A PANIC DISORDER
Spock's Socks 4 years ago
May depend on the type of panic disorder. Those of us with agoraphobia and social anxiety should be OK alone there for quite a bit there as long as there is a book or some kind of distraction. I personally quite like CAT scans being done, a lot less anxiety there than shopping, for example.
Aroace tiger (any pronouns) 4 years ago
I'm undiagnosed but I assume I have Social anxiety and I can say I'd be fine if there weren't any other people in there
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Zenozenobee 4 years ago
New study shows People with no panic disorder develop panic disorder after being locked in underwater elevators
#54
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Julia Atkinson 4 years ago
This man looks familiar. Shouldn't he be helping to fight the zombie apocalypse?
Catherine Binder 4 years ago
He's one of the real life "wet bandits" those true crime movies were about.
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Lee Macro 4 years ago
It's a tv channel here in the UK which is basically a live version of a phone sex line.....scantily clad women doing things (albeit not graphically) which you can see but can't hear anything unless you ring in to a premium rate phone number..........erm..........this is what Ive been told anyway
Load More Replies... Bacony Cakes 4 years ago
If you put a sponsored button on the remote, you gotta expect the consequences.
#55
Don’t Blame Him
qwerty 4 years ago
I need to try this. My name translates to "small submissive woman".
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#56
Poor Guy
Hugo Raible 4 years ago
Yeah, it's literally his name. Racist BP censors legit foreign names?
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MikeyWaveOven (he/him) 4 years ago
One, it's a name, don't censor it. Two, Danny Soz is an onion reporter, this is fake.
InfectedVoice 4 years ago
This is from The Sport, a stupid UK tabloid paper full of boobs and made up stories like this, can be funny though.
#57
No Way
Susie Elle 4 years ago
I mean if I'd had a choice in the matter that'd be my preferred method too
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#58
There Goes My Hero
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
"Morgue employee dies from a heart attack after seeing one of his clients came back to life, then wakes up at work and gets back to work."
#59
1000 Iq Move
Lara Verne 4 years ago
-"What kind of fruit is it?" -"Bananas." -"Bananas?" -Yes, it's written on the label!"
#60
Hit Like If You Feel Inspired
#61
Wtf
#62
This Man Was Living The Dream
#63
The Choice Of Pictures Is Killing Me
cybermerlin2000 4 years ago
This is why we have so many variations now that we can only read them in a flick book
cybermerlin2000 4 years ago
I hear they are dusting off the old Latin text books
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#64
Do Not F*ck With The Prince
ChekovsCurlyHair 4 years ago
The original headline was “This is what Prince George is being called at preschool”. The answer was George.
Robert T 4 years ago
Of course it isn't. He got his great grandma to do it for him. ;-)
Load More Replies... #65
Life Goals
#66
Fffff
Nikki Sevven 4 years ago
Oh, come one! He doesn't even look like a child! The 5 o'clock shadow is a dead giveaway.
シ *’-BLOODLUST-‘* シ 4 years ago
My friends mom gets handed crayons at restaurants because she looks like a 15 year old. She’s his step mom, 33
#67
Unlucky...
#68
Ffs
Raven Sheridan 4 years ago
While I disapprove of his actions, I can't help but admire his commitment. 🤔
#69
Tag A Vegan
September Meadows 4 years ago
I'm diabetic and enjoy something called an, Apple Cloud Cake. It's made of only two ingredients, Applesauce and plain gelatin. It looks kind of like angle food cake, taste great. Vegans won't eat it because of the gelatin.
Marco Hub-Dub 4 years ago
Not vegan, but learned to make a “death by chocolate” vegan cake using flax seed paste as a binder, raw cocoa and a sh*t-ton of agave, honey and other sugars. Straight up the most delicious chocolate dessert I’ve ever made & it’s the only baking for which I get an annoying amount of requests. Not everyone who asks me to make it even knows it vegan. I’ve met my fair share of annoy vegans - mostly those who use it to rationalize an unrecognized or acknowledged eating disorder- but there’s some good vegan food out there and the cliche is played out. Still, not eating bacon is simply unnatural!!!
#70
Why Are They Always From Florida Tho?
Raj Kuthrapali 4 years ago
Yes. Picowaves are easily agitated and will absolutely bring the roof down.
Rosalind Robinson 3 years ago
Florida has the best headlines because they have really loose privacy laws when people get arrested I read somewhere
#71
Hero
#72
Well Played Bro
#73
Tag A Ginger Who Should Try This
RandomBeing 4 years ago
bonked men on weekdays and nonbinary people on saturday
Load More Replies... Thomas Turnbull 3 years ago (edited)
At least he did better than the original one. Look who he ended up with.
MyOpinionHasBeenServed 4 years ago
He looks closer to Archie Andrews (comic version) than prince harry.
Bacony Cakes 4 years ago
Neither is this sh*t, bitch. deschanel-...c46526.png 
#74
Sneak 100
#75
Good Luck Kiddos
#76
Why Am I Not Surprised?
Theoretical Empiricist 4 years ago
Damn, the line between The Onion and The Washington Post gets blurrier all the time.
Arctic Fox Lover 4 years ago
My brother's first official alcoholic drink was a corona beer. He drank it on his 21st bday. I bombarded him with covid jokes the whole time :D
Vladimir Bozic 4 years ago
That's why it is on sale since the pandemic has started, and that is why I support pandemics. :D
Heidi Cormier 4 years ago
Oh that's complete BS. I'm a server & the people want their Coronas, dressed lol
Jo Davies 4 years ago
Our bard and liquor stores were closed for a long time due to Covid. When they finally opened, months later, the first thing I ordered was a Corona, due to my terrible sense of humour. Turns out the joke was on me. Been there for so long it had expired. Felt very queasy for a few hours.
#77
Oh No
Catherine Binder 4 years ago
Don't worry Sofia, it's not a real headline.
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#78
Relatable
#79
This Is Not Going To End Well
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
In this crap list of barely satire and utter fake news here's one that's true. That doesn't reflect well on you, Lukashenko
#80
Chocolate Rain
David Gripon 4 years ago
Looks like some dude, lying down, with a big gut and an even bigger @#$%
#81
Good One John
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
And President François Hollande waved at a blind French athlete during the paralympics.
#82
Me
M O'Connell 4 years ago
Hey, she qualified for the Olympics, and she didn't fall. That far exceeds most people's lifetime athletic achievements.
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bumble bee 4 years ago
There was an american woman at the last winter olympics who skied for another country. she had zero skill, won zero competitions, but was able to say she was an olympic skier on her resume.
Robert Bailey 4 years ago
Don't know why someone downvoted you. But it's true. I watched it happen on online in real time.
Load More Replies... #83
The Most Relatable News Headline I've Ever Read
Robert T 4 years ago
Well that's not the person I thought would be in the photo for that caption!
Kimi Tomminello 4 years ago
Not even the same Dr in the pics (eyebrows, jawline and hair line)
Add New Image
What do you think ?
Monday 4 years ago
Would have been a better read if they didn't mix real headlines with spoofs the whole time.
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
Well, that was a bunch of crap. Barely satire, nasty fake news, and possibly true but hardly 'news'.
Corey Smith 4 years ago
I'm surprised this headline didn't make it (I linked the Snopes article because it sounds too funny to be true): https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/k9-dog-cow-deputy/
Kristin Ingersoll 4 years ago
So many were fake headlines, meant to be funny (sadly, many weren't even that). Stupid. That's why "everyone can be a BP author" is complete BS.
Monday 4 years ago
Would have been a better read if they didn't mix real headlines with spoofs the whole time.
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
Well, that was a bunch of crap. Barely satire, nasty fake news, and possibly true but hardly 'news'.
Corey Smith 4 years ago
I'm surprised this headline didn't make it (I linked the Snopes article because it sounds too funny to be true): https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/k9-dog-cow-deputy/
Kristin Ingersoll 4 years ago
So many were fake headlines, meant to be funny (sadly, many weren't even that). Stupid. That's why "everyone can be a BP author" is complete BS.
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