Nobody would like to end up on the wrong side of the court hearing (or any side at all), because your life belongs solely to the decision of a judge and the work of your lawyer. But what if your lawyer is nothing like Saul Goodman and more like a babbling school girl?

Despite the seriousness, courtroom drama and everything that happens in it, this place also produces hilarious (unintentional) comedy. Charles M. Sevilla has compiled some of the funniest exchanges from justice halls between defendants and plaintiffs, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges, and released a book of court records called Disorder in the Court.

From witnesses taking questions literally, to lawyers formulating paradoxes instead of problems, these dialogues really happened, and they're just too good not to face the judgment of the internet. Scroll down to enjoy this priceless list and vote for your favorite entries!

More info: Amazon

#1

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Hans
Community Member
2 years ago

Not only possible...likely.

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#2

LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--
WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

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Hans
Community Member
2 years ago

har har, well played

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#3

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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Nausicaa Alkistis
Community Member
2 years ago

Unless the attorney knows things about the witness. *creepy background music*

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#4

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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Adriana E. Henricy
Community Member
2 years ago

please

BRTiger
Community Member
2 years ago

well, given the current state of affairs, maybe the three children actually identified themselves as salt-shakers or rubber ducks

fubukifangirl
Community Member
2 years ago

These days, that's a perfectly valid question due to all the SJW who get offended if you assume their gender.

Hester Goldberg
Community Member
2 years ago

Whahaha hahaha My guess.. 5

Meowoui
Community Member
2 years ago

Your Honor: Yes you may, but don't hire anyone from The law firm of Dumb and Dumber.

funtime foxy
Community Member
1 year ago

lol

Crystal Martin
Community Member
1 year ago

🤣🤣🤣

Id row
Community Member
1 year ago

All of these have been around for over a decade.

🌟Jim Phoenix🌟
Community Member
2 years ago

I don't get it...

Flower Waheed
Community Member
2 years ago

Nope they were potatoes

Pandola
Community Member
2 years ago

too late darling...now you're stuck with him...

TheReader19
Community Member
2 years ago

God help everyone on this unfortunate day

Barbara Baxendale
Community Member
2 years ago

I think he needs one !!

Noemi Castillo
Community Member
2 years ago

Lol

Sue Pate
Community Member
2 years ago

fell like saying no they were puppies

endelbendel
Community Member
2 years ago

Redundant for veracity.

Susan Ho
Community Member
2 years ago

OMG!

rick hctep (Rick45)
Community Member
2 years ago

See my answer above.

Sandra Nicht
Community Member
2 years ago

bahahahahaha!

Susann Campbell
Community Member
2 years ago

Right Now Please.

Kendra Dunivent
Community Member
2 years ago

What? why ask?

Allana Rose
Community Member
2 years ago

and quickly please! Mine is a moron!

MRaina
Community Member
2 years ago

no he will keep you entertained.. and yes i assumed the gender

Rico
Community Member
2 years ago

*facepalm*

Gina Kim
Community Member
2 years ago

Omg... lol

Tammy Owen
Community Member
2 years ago

Why would a witness need an attorney?

Susanne Pachtmann
Community Member
2 years ago

Because you can be witness and be directly involved...

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Muhammad Badrudduja
Community Member
2 years ago

sure!

Sparkwater
Community Member
2 years ago

Um....there's always another possibility. But this is funny XD

Andrei Dima
Community Member
2 years ago

Maybe there were all ladyboys

Daniel Daly
Community Member
2 years ago

In this age age of gender-neutrality however

Intensive Panda
Community Member
2 years ago

Nothing wrong with this question since so many people are unsure about their actual gender /sarcasm_off

Peppermallow
Community Member
2 years ago

Why does a witness want an attorney. I smell fiction

Hallak65
Community Member
2 years ago

Did he really assume their genders????? ??? ?? ?

Gottlob Frege
Community Member
2 years ago

WITNESS: No your honor , they all were dogs and cats !

Gottlob Frege
Community Member
2 years ago

ooops , i should have say: WITNESS: No your honor , they all were transgender dogs and cats !

Prince-Nux
Community Member
2 years ago

That's actually not funny in the slightest.

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#5

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

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Adriana E. Henricy
Community Member
2 years ago

How did he get to be attorney???

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#6

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

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Hans
Community Member
2 years ago

I consider this a high estimate.

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#7

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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Adriana E. Henricy
Community Member
2 years ago

how are this people profesionals???

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#8

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

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TC
Community Member
2 years ago

Hahahahahaha

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#9

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

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Lillian Chesak
Community Member
2 years ago

Or was he? :-O

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#10

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…

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Jamal W
Community Member
2 years ago

Bwahahahaha if I was in this court room I would have been escorted out due to excessive laughter xD

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#11

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

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Marlowe Fitzpatrik
Community Member
2 years ago

Maybe the picture was TAKEN, as in stolen? I know, I'm reaching here, but ... could be

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#12

LAWYER: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
OTHER LAWYER: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

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Vlad Horobet
Community Member
2 years ago

Kill it before it lays eggs.

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#13

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

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Hans
Community Member
2 years ago

Probably, we need to inaugurate this laways about the secrets of life...

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#14

LAWYER: What happened then?
WITNESS: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
LAWYER: Did he kill you?
WITNESS: No.

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Nausicaa Alkistis
Community Member
2 years ago

What a plot twist!

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#15

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

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Debra Starr Moon
Community Member
2 years ago

This witness took the oath to tell the truth very seriously!

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#16

LAWYER: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
WITNESS: I only have one, you know.

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Josh e
Community Member
2 years ago

Micheal Jackson's first court appearance😂

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#17

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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Doggo
Community Member
2 years ago

I need someone to record "My name is Susan!" and make it my ringtone.

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#18

LAWYER: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?
WITNESS: No. He was wearing a mask.
LAWYER: What was he wearing under the mask?
WITNESS: Er...his face.

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Cinder_da_wolf96
Community Member
2 years ago

HOW DO YOU KNOW HE WASNT WEARING ANOTHER MASK UNDER HIS MASK?!?

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#19

LAWYER: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
WITNESS: Yes, sir.
LAWYER: What did she say?
WITNESS: 'What disco am I at?'

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TC
Community Member
2 years ago

Hahahahaha...

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#20

LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

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Gabriela Dubner
Community Member
2 years ago

Lumbar Jack.

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#21

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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Kookie Clown4ever
Community Member
2 years ago

But but.. you can't be THAT dumb!

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#22

LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
WITNESS: The victim lived.

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Neeraj Jha
Community Member
2 years ago

Damn you, victim

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#23

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Laura Ford-Everett
Community Member
2 years ago

top ten fave answer

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#24

LAWYER: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And these stairs, did they go up also?

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Zori the degu
Community Member
2 years ago

No, my God, no, you can't be that dumb!

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#25

LAWYER: Are you married?
WITNESS: No, I'm divorced.
LAWYER: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
WITNESS: A lot of things I didn't know about.

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LizzyM
Community Member
2 years ago

They usually do

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#26

LAWYER: What is your brother-in-law's name?
WITNESS: Borofkin.
LAWYER: What's his first name?
WITNESS: I can't remember.
LAWYER: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
WITNESS: No. I tell you, I'm too excited. (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!

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TC
Community Member
2 years ago

Hahahahaha. Nerves... I can imagine...

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#27

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

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TC
Community Member
2 years ago

Ummmm....

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#28

LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

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Vlad Horobet
Community Member
2 years ago

That's a pretty TIGHT question. I wonder if the attorney is CLOSE ENOUGH to find the answer.

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#29

LAWYER: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
WITNESS: Yes sir.
LAWYER: Before or after he died?

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Hans
Community Member
2 years ago

Is the witness a paraspychological expect?

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#30

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

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Meowoui
Community Member
2 years ago

Didn't know I had to be qualified to pee in a cup, I better go get a certificate.

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#31

LAWYER: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
WITNESS: Picking them up in the air.
LAWYER: Where was the dog at this time?
WITNESS: Attached to the ears.

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Ie Va
Community Member
2 years ago

Well, was the first question wrong?

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#32

LAWYER: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

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Maike Weidner
Community Member
2 years ago

this is... just so senseless...do they get paid by the amount words they are using?

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#33

LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

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Hans
Community Member
2 years ago

LAWYER: Ok, thank you, no more questions.

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#34

LAWYER: Have you lived in this town all your life?
WITNESS: Not yet.

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white widow
Community Member
2 years ago

well... this was just playing smart... it is a legitimate question, as in, have you lived here since you were born? i don't find it as funny as the others.

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#35

LAWYER: How many times have you committed suicide?
WITNESS: Four times.

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Jaclyn
Community Member
2 years ago

The word you're looking for is 'attempted'

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#36

LAWYER: Were you alone or by yourself?

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Ie Va
Community Member
2 years ago

Alone by myself.

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#37

LAWYER: And what did he do then?
WITNESS: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
LAWYER: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

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Neeraj Jha
Community Member
2 years ago

yep, as a White Walker!

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#38

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

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Adriana E. Henricy
Community Member
2 years ago

Also, isnt this from Hot Fuzz? the movie directed by Edgar Wright with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost? second in the Cornetto trilogy? where Pegg asks this kid (at a bar) when was his birth-day, and he answers this.

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#39

LAWYER: Could you see him from where you were standing?
WITNESS: I could see his head.
LAWYER: And where was his head?
WITNESS: Just above his shoulders.

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Tiny Dynamine
Community Member
2 years ago

I nearly spat my beer out over that!

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#40

LAWYER: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question.

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Maike Weidner
Community Member
2 years ago

an honest lawyer! on for the books

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#41

LAWYER: Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?
WITNESS: There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.
LAWYER: Can you identify the rifle?
WITNESS: Yes. There was something written on the side of it.
LAWYER: And what did the writing say?
WITNESS: 'Winchester'!

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Mj Ackles
Community Member
2 years ago

Prolly it's Crowley who stole it lmao

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#42

LAWYER: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

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Shauday Smith
Community Member
2 years ago

do you have any children or elderly or any other humans in any state of development?

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#43

LAWYER: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
WITNESS: I went to Europe, sir.
LAWYER: And you took your new wife?

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Ie Va
Community Member
2 years ago

No, the old one.

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#44

LAWYER: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
WITNESS: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

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TC
Community Member
2 years ago

Ohhh. That must have been amusing...

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#45

LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything?
WITNESS: After the accident?
LAWYER: Before the accident.
WITNESS: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

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Jazlyn J.
Community Member
2 years ago

Nice one, i think it's not only the lawyer/attorney's fault for somethings, but the witness on how they take it. (and the results are absolutely amazing!)

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#46

LAWYER: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

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Sofie van Ek
Community Member
2 years ago

Cryptozology?

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#47

LAWYER: And you check your radar unit frequently?
Officer: Yes, I do.
LAWYER: And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?
Officer: Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.

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Meowoui
Community Member
2 years ago

Judge toss' out case

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#48

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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TC
Community Member
2 years ago

I can imagine lawyers with all sorts of clients....

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#49

LAWYER: Do you drink when you're on duty?
WITNESS: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

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Ghita Loredana
Community Member
2 years ago

Fair enough

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#50

LAWYER: So you were gone until you returned?

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Andres Francia de Araujo
Community Member
2 years ago

... Yes, I´d also suspect he was there until he left

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