“Tell Me You Don’t Have Any Friends Without Saying”: Woman Shares Her Honest Take On B-Day Parties
Interview With Expert
Who says the Internet can’t agree on anything? In this case, people banded together against one woman on X (Twitter) who expressed an unpopular opinion about birthdays. The user MicheBag22 posted that she does not want any invitations to birthday parties where she has to pay for the food herself.
Although the opinion in the comments was pretty unanimous, she did raise an interesting question: What is the etiquette for birthday dinners? Some people expressed how it’s nice to treat the birthday person. It’s their birthday, after all. Others chose to drag the OP and did so mercilessly. Check out people’s takes below, and let us know your opinion on this issue.
Because this turned out to be such a hot topic on the Internet, Bored Panda sought the expertise of an etiquette expert. Suzy Lins is a certified etiquette trainer who helps people gain confidence in business and social situations. We asked her about birthday dinner etiquette and who should pay the bill. Read her insights below!
More info: The Manners Maven | Instagram
If you choose to celebrate your birthday with your friends and family, often the best option is to have a dinner
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages (not the actual photo)
One woman stirred up a discussion about whether the guests should pay or if the birthday person should treat everyone
Image credits: michebag22
Image credits: michebag22
Image credits: michebag22
Etiquette expert weighs in: the birthday person should pay, but there are some exceptions
This particular thread on “X” riled up quite a few social media users. Although most of them ridiculed the author for her argument that parents pay for the birthday kid, hence the birthday person should cover the bill as well, some people defended the OP.
Given that there’s so much contention around the topic, we decided to ask an etiquette expert what the right way to handle the bill at a birthday dinner is. Certified etiquette trainer Suzy Lins, aka The Manner’s Maven, says there is a general rule. “Etiquette calls for the person doing the inviting to pay for the meal.”
However, there are some exceptions, as always. “Keep in mind, this can vary depending on the formality of the event,” Lins notes. “If the birthday person is throwing a party to celebrate their birthday, they would be expected to pay for the meal.”
The situation changes when there’s no official party with invitations and such. “If it’s a group of friends getting together to celebrate the birthday person, typically each person would pay for themself and then chip in for the birthday person’s meal,” the etiquette expert explains.
Image credits: Jay Wennington (not the actual photo)
The birthday person should communicate things like this to their guests and friends beforehand
It can be difficult to know whether you should pay at a friend’s birthday dinner. Some people might think it’s common sense and not tell you, while others always include this information in their invitations.
“It’s a good idea to be clear on who is paying before the actual birthday meal,” The Manners Maven says. “The person throwing themselves a birthday party could say something like: ‘I’d love to have you at my birthday dinner, my treat!'”
“If it’s a group of friends getting together to celebrate a birthday, it should be made clear to everyone that they will be paying for their own meal and will be splitting the cost of the birthday person’s meal.”
“If this is not in their budget, then they can bow out at that time rather than being surprised when the bill comes. Make sure to let the server know in advance how you plan to split the bill. Either way, clear communication in advance will help avoid any awkward moments,” the expert trainer adds.
Unluckily for the OP, hardly any netizens agreed with this her hot take
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If your main defense of this is that "parents of the birthday kid paid for parties when you were a kid" but you're now an adult, well...
Add to that main defense this question, "How much did your mommy spend on that birthday present you are bringing?"
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I guess this is a cultural thing. Where I'm from (Eastern Europe), it is customary for the person celebrating their birthday to pay/provid for meals/drinks of everyone they invited, definitely not the other way around and most definitely not everyone paying for themselves.
Indeed, this must be a cultural issue. I'm a Spaniard, and it's assumed that I will pay if I gather people because it's my birthday and I want to celebrate it. Or maybe some people decide to celebrate my birthday (like a surprise party)... in such case, I wouldn't pay.
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In Europe the host is expected to pay the bill for a birthday dinner, and guests are expected to bring gifts.
Not in the UK. We pay for our own & share the cost of the Birthday peeps' food.
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In Spain, the one who invites to his birthday party pays the full bill. This is the norm. I understand that the USA is a different culture.
But, also, in Spain is not common to gather 10-12 friends at a restaurant and pay the bill for everybody because it's your birthday. I only saw this with relatives in Spain, unless you celebrate at home. The bill can become quite high.
Load More Replies... This is a communication thing. If you are making a party at a restaurant and inviting people, you invite them making it clear that you are throwing the party and paying. If you are a group of friends getting together to celebrate a friend's birthday, the friends communicate together, (tell the b'day person, or discuss with them), choose a place and all meet as a group.
This is a good distinction as I think there's confusion as to what is actually happening. If you're just getting together to informally celebrate a person's birthday, then everyone pays for themselves as well as the birthday person. If the birthday person (or a proxy) is putting on an event for the birthday then obviously the host pays. "Hey, we're meeting up for dinner for Mim's birthday" is very different from "hey, we're throwing a dinner party for Mimi." When my friends take me out for a birthday dinner, they pay. When my friend' g/f threw a party with dinner at a venue, she paid.
Load More Replies... Depends. In the UK, the usual etiquette is if you give an invitation and you decide time, place and the kind of food, you're paying. If you're expecting everyone to pay for themselves, it would be a joint decision - you can't assume. If it's your birthday, everyone else may offer to pay for you, but that's their choice.
Well you and I must be in very different circles then Flora, as it’s not the “usual” at all! I once picked up the tab for everyone’s drinks on my birthday, it was about £70 (it was a while ago!) but not their food, or if I have put a party on in a bar, for a big birthday I’ve put some money behind the bar and paid for nibbles, but when we had a sit down meal, my friends offered to pay for me. In my experience, my friends have never paid for any part of the bill like I did.
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A lot more emphasis seems to be on "who invites who" nowadays. I'm with the guy whose opinion is that as an adult you should expect to pay for things. If someone invites me out, I don't expect them to pay for me, that seems really childish. I'm European but when I've been to a birthday meal, contrary to what my fellow Europeans have said below, sometimes the friends pay and sometimes the birthday celebrant pays, i guess it depends on your social group etiquette.
It's also a matter of who invites who and what information they give you beforehand. Anyway, a meal at a restaurant to celebrate a birthday should be about spending time with that person, showing appreciation for the friendship/relationship. Not clean their pockets out. Yes, if I have the money I will treat them well, but I would very quickly stop inviting people who only come to my birthday for free food and drinks.
If you're inviting me for dinner at yours, I don't expect to contribute bar a bottle of [x]. If you're saying let's go to [x] restaurant for a birthday, I am expecting to pay. Welcome to adulting.
Parents cater and pay for kids because a) kids don't have their own money b) kids meals are set menu and/or much cheaper to pay for c) it's parents paying...not the birthday kid d) in everyone's minds feeding kids is the cultural expected norm, in fact, in my cultural norm, kids eat first and adults constantly check they have plenty to eat. When they're done, they play or pile in front of the TV and the adults relax and eat with one eye and ear primed for any kid issues of course.
I think people are conflating two different things: a formal event and an informal event. To me, if you're just getting together for dinner for someone's birthday, regardless of who sent the invite, then everyone pays for themselves as well as the birthday person. If the birthday person is having an event for their birthday and you're invited, then I think the host pays. Those are two different things, to me.
My favorite part was her assuming that everyone was invited to dozens of birthday parties growing up. One: No they weren't. and Two: Those were parties for children. I hate this expression with a passion but she reeks of privilege.
Also it's usually a pizza place or something cheap and each child brings a gift for the other child. I think the distinction needs to be made culturally between a formal party invitation with cards being sent out and just a group of friends going out to dinner to celebrate their buddies birthday. If you are planning a formal party in which you send out invitations it's usually assumed that food and drink will be provided or you do a potluck, whichever is specified in the invite. If you are just gathering with your friends at a restaurant, bar etc. then I would expect to bring a gift, pay for my meal and also chip in for my friends birthday. I'm always expecting to pay for myself wherever I go just in case but I'm definitely not expecting to pay for 7 meals if I'm going out to dinner on my birthday....I don't have that kind of money! If I ever have an actual party it's either at my home or someone else planned it for me.
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The person who does the inviting is also in charge of arranging payment, birthday or no. That arranging may be a coordination ("hey, would you like to join me in treating John for his birthday? We can split the cost.") or just a straight offer ("I'd like to take everyone out for John's birthday") but the idea that a person arranges their own birthday and expects other people to just pay for it is audacious.
I've been to both. It usually depends on the type of invitation and who does the inviting. Student friends of mine: everyone pays for their own drinks. Sometimes there was a big bottle of something for everyone paid for by the host. If it's an older family member it was usually that family member paying. There were adult parties where the person would pay for a buffet kind of thing and everyone covered their own drinks. And then there were parties where the person actually paid for everything.
US Person here. My take is that the "OP" is comparing (assuming here) a full meal with drinks, appetizers, and dessert (say $50-70 + for each guest, depending on the restaurant), to a child's birthday where the total probably comes around $100-200 (US) dollars for cake, ice cream, and pizza (and maybe tokens for playing the games like Chuck E Cheese) where everyone, even the parents/adults share? I have invited friends to join me for my birthday where I buy all the appetizers and bring a cake, if allowed, and usually people buy their own meals. However, it is discussed if it is a group where there may be new people; otherwise, this is just our norm. I wonder where OP is from, and if they got the most expensive stuff expecting someone else to pick up the tab? Also, if she expected this, did she bring a nice gift or nothing at all?
If you are in a culture where you are expected to pay for other people on your birthday, then that's the thing to do. If you are in a culture where other people pay for your on your birthday, then that's the thing to do. To demand the opposite in either situation is just selfishness. Clearly OP is in the latter situation and doesn't like it. Tough s**t - if you don't like it, or can't afford it, you are not obligated to go.
Did...did she think the children were paying for the guests at their birthday party?
I was “invited “ to dinner by mi bff husband to celebrate her birthday. He chose the place an pre-selected the menu for all of us. (Party of 10-12). We brought gifts, of course, but he made everyone pay their share. It was super awkward for everybody because we all assumed it was an invitation. I’m never gonna fall for this again
This will probably get buried and never see the light of day, but is it common for people to organize their own birthday celebrations at a restaurant? In my experience that's usually done by friends and/or family, and the bill is paid by one of the organizers, or several of them. If that's not the case then it would be separate checks, but I don't remember that ever happening.
I paid for my friends’ meals/drinks on my birthday (as I don’t invite that many anyways) and the next day I noticed all of them had secretly put the money for their parts on my bankaccount. >.<
This person is free to do what she wants in the culture she is in. And her friends are free to respond in an appropriate way. Probably by no longer being friends if she is in the United States. Some people like being lonely; maybe she is one of those.
She's definitely not a loner by posting that, as clear as the day she pretty much needed attention. She'll be lonely after that post though.
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um, yeah, it IS cultural and different elsewhere. as for "that's how it is in the majority of places," there are 7 continents and 195 countries in the world. i doubt SERIOUSLY if you have been to the "majority" of them and are in a position to make that assessment. stop the cap, rostit, and just say that's how it is where YOU'RE from and in the places YOU'RE familiar with. "i'm sure they're lying." and i see you're ALSO an expert on strangers on the internet and whether or not they're lying. if you so gawddamned smart, why ain't you a billionaire? 🤔
Load More Replies... If your main defense of this is that "parents of the birthday kid paid for parties when you were a kid" but you're now an adult, well...
Add to that main defense this question, "How much did your mommy spend on that birthday present you are bringing?"
Load More Replies... I guess this is a cultural thing. Where I'm from (Eastern Europe), it is customary for the person celebrating their birthday to pay/provid for meals/drinks of everyone they invited, definitely not the other way around and most definitely not everyone paying for themselves.
Indeed, this must be a cultural issue. I'm a Spaniard, and it's assumed that I will pay if I gather people because it's my birthday and I want to celebrate it. Or maybe some people decide to celebrate my birthday (like a surprise party)... in such case, I wouldn't pay.
Load More Replies... In Europe the host is expected to pay the bill for a birthday dinner, and guests are expected to bring gifts.
Not in the UK. We pay for our own & share the cost of the Birthday peeps' food.
Load More Replies... In Spain, the one who invites to his birthday party pays the full bill. This is the norm. I understand that the USA is a different culture.
But, also, in Spain is not common to gather 10-12 friends at a restaurant and pay the bill for everybody because it's your birthday. I only saw this with relatives in Spain, unless you celebrate at home. The bill can become quite high.
Load More Replies... This is a communication thing. If you are making a party at a restaurant and inviting people, you invite them making it clear that you are throwing the party and paying. If you are a group of friends getting together to celebrate a friend's birthday, the friends communicate together, (tell the b'day person, or discuss with them), choose a place and all meet as a group.
This is a good distinction as I think there's confusion as to what is actually happening. If you're just getting together to informally celebrate a person's birthday, then everyone pays for themselves as well as the birthday person. If the birthday person (or a proxy) is putting on an event for the birthday then obviously the host pays. "Hey, we're meeting up for dinner for Mim's birthday" is very different from "hey, we're throwing a dinner party for Mimi." When my friends take me out for a birthday dinner, they pay. When my friend' g/f threw a party with dinner at a venue, she paid.
Load More Replies... Depends. In the UK, the usual etiquette is if you give an invitation and you decide time, place and the kind of food, you're paying. If you're expecting everyone to pay for themselves, it would be a joint decision - you can't assume. If it's your birthday, everyone else may offer to pay for you, but that's their choice.
Well you and I must be in very different circles then Flora, as it’s not the “usual” at all! I once picked up the tab for everyone’s drinks on my birthday, it was about £70 (it was a while ago!) but not their food, or if I have put a party on in a bar, for a big birthday I’ve put some money behind the bar and paid for nibbles, but when we had a sit down meal, my friends offered to pay for me. In my experience, my friends have never paid for any part of the bill like I did.
Load More Replies... A lot more emphasis seems to be on "who invites who" nowadays. I'm with the guy whose opinion is that as an adult you should expect to pay for things. If someone invites me out, I don't expect them to pay for me, that seems really childish. I'm European but when I've been to a birthday meal, contrary to what my fellow Europeans have said below, sometimes the friends pay and sometimes the birthday celebrant pays, i guess it depends on your social group etiquette.
It's also a matter of who invites who and what information they give you beforehand. Anyway, a meal at a restaurant to celebrate a birthday should be about spending time with that person, showing appreciation for the friendship/relationship. Not clean their pockets out. Yes, if I have the money I will treat them well, but I would very quickly stop inviting people who only come to my birthday for free food and drinks.
If you're inviting me for dinner at yours, I don't expect to contribute bar a bottle of [x]. If you're saying let's go to [x] restaurant for a birthday, I am expecting to pay. Welcome to adulting.
Parents cater and pay for kids because a) kids don't have their own money b) kids meals are set menu and/or much cheaper to pay for c) it's parents paying...not the birthday kid d) in everyone's minds feeding kids is the cultural expected norm, in fact, in my cultural norm, kids eat first and adults constantly check they have plenty to eat. When they're done, they play or pile in front of the TV and the adults relax and eat with one eye and ear primed for any kid issues of course.
I think people are conflating two different things: a formal event and an informal event. To me, if you're just getting together for dinner for someone's birthday, regardless of who sent the invite, then everyone pays for themselves as well as the birthday person. If the birthday person is having an event for their birthday and you're invited, then I think the host pays. Those are two different things, to me.
My favorite part was her assuming that everyone was invited to dozens of birthday parties growing up. One: No they weren't. and Two: Those were parties for children. I hate this expression with a passion but she reeks of privilege.
Also it's usually a pizza place or something cheap and each child brings a gift for the other child. I think the distinction needs to be made culturally between a formal party invitation with cards being sent out and just a group of friends going out to dinner to celebrate their buddies birthday. If you are planning a formal party in which you send out invitations it's usually assumed that food and drink will be provided or you do a potluck, whichever is specified in the invite. If you are just gathering with your friends at a restaurant, bar etc. then I would expect to bring a gift, pay for my meal and also chip in for my friends birthday. I'm always expecting to pay for myself wherever I go just in case but I'm definitely not expecting to pay for 7 meals if I'm going out to dinner on my birthday....I don't have that kind of money! If I ever have an actual party it's either at my home or someone else planned it for me.
Load More Replies... The person who does the inviting is also in charge of arranging payment, birthday or no. That arranging may be a coordination ("hey, would you like to join me in treating John for his birthday? We can split the cost.") or just a straight offer ("I'd like to take everyone out for John's birthday") but the idea that a person arranges their own birthday and expects other people to just pay for it is audacious.
I've been to both. It usually depends on the type of invitation and who does the inviting. Student friends of mine: everyone pays for their own drinks. Sometimes there was a big bottle of something for everyone paid for by the host. If it's an older family member it was usually that family member paying. There were adult parties where the person would pay for a buffet kind of thing and everyone covered their own drinks. And then there were parties where the person actually paid for everything.
US Person here. My take is that the "OP" is comparing (assuming here) a full meal with drinks, appetizers, and dessert (say $50-70 + for each guest, depending on the restaurant), to a child's birthday where the total probably comes around $100-200 (US) dollars for cake, ice cream, and pizza (and maybe tokens for playing the games like Chuck E Cheese) where everyone, even the parents/adults share? I have invited friends to join me for my birthday where I buy all the appetizers and bring a cake, if allowed, and usually people buy their own meals. However, it is discussed if it is a group where there may be new people; otherwise, this is just our norm. I wonder where OP is from, and if they got the most expensive stuff expecting someone else to pick up the tab? Also, if she expected this, did she bring a nice gift or nothing at all?
If you are in a culture where you are expected to pay for other people on your birthday, then that's the thing to do. If you are in a culture where other people pay for your on your birthday, then that's the thing to do. To demand the opposite in either situation is just selfishness. Clearly OP is in the latter situation and doesn't like it. Tough s**t - if you don't like it, or can't afford it, you are not obligated to go.
Did...did she think the children were paying for the guests at their birthday party?
I was “invited “ to dinner by mi bff husband to celebrate her birthday. He chose the place an pre-selected the menu for all of us. (Party of 10-12). We brought gifts, of course, but he made everyone pay their share. It was super awkward for everybody because we all assumed it was an invitation. I’m never gonna fall for this again
This will probably get buried and never see the light of day, but is it common for people to organize their own birthday celebrations at a restaurant? In my experience that's usually done by friends and/or family, and the bill is paid by one of the organizers, or several of them. If that's not the case then it would be separate checks, but I don't remember that ever happening.
I paid for my friends’ meals/drinks on my birthday (as I don’t invite that many anyways) and the next day I noticed all of them had secretly put the money for their parts on my bankaccount. >.<
This person is free to do what she wants in the culture she is in. And her friends are free to respond in an appropriate way. Probably by no longer being friends if she is in the United States. Some people like being lonely; maybe she is one of those.
She's definitely not a loner by posting that, as clear as the day she pretty much needed attention. She'll be lonely after that post though.
Load More Replies... um, yeah, it IS cultural and different elsewhere. as for "that's how it is in the majority of places," there are 7 continents and 195 countries in the world. i doubt SERIOUSLY if you have been to the "majority" of them and are in a position to make that assessment. stop the cap, rostit, and just say that's how it is where YOU'RE from and in the places YOU'RE familiar with. "i'm sure they're lying." and i see you're ALSO an expert on strangers on the internet and whether or not they're lying. if you so gawddamned smart, why ain't you a billionaire? 🤔
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