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In 2021, a total of 689,308 divorces occurred across the 45 U.S. states that reported this statistic. Often, there's more than just a single factor that leads to it. Couples may face many problems.
But even so, people who dissolve their unions usually report there is one tipping point that causes them to make the big decision. In fact, 69% of divorcing couples noted this was the case.
In these situations, infidelity was cited the most, with 24% of couples specifying it as the thing that pushed them over the edge. Domestic violence was the reason for 21% of them and 12% said substance abuse was the issue.
Interested in how these numbers look in real life, one Reddit user asked divorced people on the platform to describe what was their final straw. Here are the most upvoted replies that they have received.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
A cheese plate. I went over to my friend’s house to visit him after he’d had surgery and he had a cheese plate for us to snack on with some goat cheese. I said “Omg, I love goat cheese!” and my friend looked at me like I was crazy and said “I know? You mentioned it the other day so I got some.”
I realized that my friend had listened to something I had said, noted it, remembered it, and gone out of his way to do something nice for me. After he’d had brain surgery, no less.
My husband had never, ever put in anywhere near that much effort for me. He still didn’t even know what flavor ice cream I liked after ten years of marriage.
So I left. And that friend and I are coming up on our first anniversary.
Sonja 1 year ago
I hate it when people use different love languages as an excuse to ignore their partner's likes and dislikes like that. While it is true that different people have different ways to express their love, part of being in a relationship isn't learning how the other prefers to show love, it's to learn how the other perceive love and adapt to that accordingly. People's ability to perceive love is more important. You won't suddenly feel loved just because you've been told your partners love language is action, when your own needs make you feel loved when you're praised. It doesn't work like that. You partner has to learn to say something nice once in a while. And let's be honest, if you truly love your partner, it shouldn't be too difficult to see what makes them happy and doing that instead. If xou love your partner, and you find out they feel loved if they receive little acts of service, it should be a no brainer to bring them a glass of water now and then.
Kelly H. Wilder 1 year ago (edited)
Love considers and acts for the interests of the beloved. This will look different for each relationship, but the core question is, "What do I know about this person's needs/desires and how can I contribute to those being met?" For my coworkers this is as simple as doing extra prep the night before Tammy has to check in delivery and do ad changes. For friends it may be giving up a relaxing Saturday to help them move to a new house. Love is not only in the grandiose; it is also in the quotidian.
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MEB 1 year ago (edited)
This reminds me of my ex of 12 years and father of my son... Most xmases and birthdays, he would tell me he didn't get me anything because "it's so hard to know what to get me, since I never ask for anything"... SMH
Diane H 1 year ago
My ex bought the opposite of everything I said I like. I would bring us ice cream as snacks and he would only bring in his bowl back to the kitchen never asking for mine. Little things add up after awhile. But he was also mentally & physically abusive so there were big things, too.
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MP 1 year ago
That’s sad. Although remembering the details isn’t everything, it can be a part of a bigger picture of not mattering to someone. Honestly my boyfriend isn’t the most romantic or caring person at all but he remembers everything about me and treats me as such. I on the other hand, can’t remember something from five minutes ago but I’m super nurturing. People are different. But her husband probably just wasn’t any of the things she needed.
Power puff scientist 1 year ago
how is this a good story. these are two people who obviously were "friends" and hanging out with mutual attraction already. he did something to try and impress her and it worked soshe actually thought that was enough reason to leave her husband for him.
tee-lena 1 year ago
She didn't leave cuz he bought her cheese. You get that right?
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ShyWahine 1 year ago
Happy one year anniversary - glad you've found a thoughtful, caring partner!
Debra Newell 1 year ago
Well look at you! Now you’re with someone who loves you the way you’re supposed to be loved!
Jane Hower 1 year ago
After my divorce my son bought me an Opal necklace - he said he heard me ask my husband many times for an Opal as a gift for BD, Anniv or Christmas and he never did. So 19 yr old son did.
RELATED:
#2
The day my two-year-old said 'shut up, b**ch' to me. I had endured ten years of abuse in my marriage, but hearing my innocent child repeat his father’s words was enough for me. I called a lawyer the next morning
Emma S 1 year ago
That's why 'staying together for the kids' is a terrible idea. Even if you don't argue in front of them, children pick up of the atmosphere and know mom and dad aren't happy. They grow up thinking that toxic relationships are normal.
Tams21 1 year ago
And they'll grow up thinking that that's a normal relationship.
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Xenia Harley 1 year ago
People do not realize the lasting harm they inflict on their children when in an abusive relationship, even a verbally abusive one.
Tamra 1 year ago (edited)
I remember in my early years of marriage, I had a lot of trouble adjusting to the peace, the lack of yelling, the lack of fear. I seriously thought that something was wrong with me. Therapy taught me otherwise, but it's astonishing at how children internalize all the chaos of an abusive parental dynamic.
Valek Fermiga 1 year ago
Please tell us you won full custody of that innocent child?? His / her father has no right to be part of their life. ❤️
PeepPeep the duck 1 year ago (edited)
I disagree- my dad treated my mum like garbage, and I was still alowed to see my dad, my dad wasn’t my husband, so I got all the dad moments, not abusive spouse moments, even my mum understood this concept. Once my parents split, neither has been violent in anyway with current partners etc. my mum and dad where just a s**t match and it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have been able to see my dad growing up just because they beat each other into oblivion regularly when they were together etc . That’s ridiculous, if the dads abusive to the kid, then that’s another story
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#3
He was so selfish for years and made excuse after excuse for it. But he always put me last. I was ready to leave him, but we made one last big push to make it work. We did a lot of things together that I had been wanting forever. One of them was getting SCUBA certified. On our first big dive (with a group) after certification, he jumped out of the boat while I was still getting ready. The dive leader screamed at him and shamed him for abandoning his dive partner. Warned him how unsafe it was for both of us, and just really laid into him. Finally I get into the water and we begin our descent. We get to 30’ down and I can’t get my ears to clear. I signal to him that I need a moment to get acclimated before going any deeper. He sees what’s happening but just takes off, leaving me behind. I went back up to the surface because now I’m basically just alone in the middle of the Caribbean and can’t catch up with the group. At some point the dive leader figures out what happened and lost his s**t on my husband. Refused to let him get back in the water because leaving your dive partner in a potentially life or death situation is apparently a no-no. Really made me wake up to the truth that he would never be there for me. Not ever. Not even for 2 minutes while I adjusted to the water depth. He would always choose his own selfish interests and leave me to figure it out on my own. Left when we got home.
spicy (she/he/they) 1 year ago (edited)
love the dive instructor; we need more people to either do that or get the confidence to do it themselves. (edit: i hate to be that person but thank you for all the upvotes, holy shirts!)
Ace 1 year ago
He was just doing his job, any one would have been the same, although if he'd been better at it he should have spotted what was going on and fixed it. All else apart as a first time diver she should never have been left to surface alone like that,
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Divyansha Shukla 1 year ago
That’s not just selfish but a s****y thing to do and that too to your significant other 😑
KillerKiwi 1 year ago
That’s a s****y thing to do to anybody. She could’ve died.
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Astro 1 year ago
Such a small perfect example. If your partner can’t do that small selfless thing that involves your safety then I’d be pretty nervous about them too.
Sonja 1 year ago
It's not even truly selfless. In scuba diving you don't leave your partner behind for your own safety too. The fact that he was willing to go on alone showed more than just his disregard for her safety, it also showed that he didn't see her as an asset either. He fully believed she being there made no difference for him and didn't make the dive safer. Either he was foolish enough to believe he was too good to get in trouble, blatantly ignoring the fact that when scuba diving you can get in trouble no matter how good you are and he was just a beginner, or he thought that even if he got in trouble, she was too useless to help.
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featherytoad 1 year ago
Good for you. If you got seriously sick, he would be out the door in a heartbeat. Better that you found out sooner rather than later.
Annik Perrot 1 year ago
As my dive instructor would say: "You should never dive alone, but sometimes it's better to dive alone rather than with bad company."
Diane H 1 year ago
I once had a marriage counselor tell me my ex was going thru life with blinders on and would never see what was around him. He told me to divorce him or accept him as he is, that he would never change. Unfortunately we just had a baby. Six years later I asked for the divorce.
#4
One Saturday I said to my then husband, "we should take our daughter to the zoo. It's such a nice day." I His reply, "I work all week. I don't feel like it."
I worked all week too. And I was the one that picked her up and dropped her off at daycare every day. Basically I was a single mom before my divorce. I did everything with my daughter by myself. So I thought, if I'm going to be a single mom. I'm going to do with without the useless lump sitting on my couch. Best. Decision. Ever.
similarly 1 year ago
I was working 5, 6 and sometimes 7 days a week, 12-13 hours a day. I used to take my kids out every weekend. We'd be gone all day. As they got older, they wanted to spend less and less time with me. They got busy with sports, friends, homework. Those times I spent with them were important to me.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
This has become such a common scenario. So glad you're happy & free now.
Awesome At Being Autistic 1 year ago
I did the same. I was absolutely exhausted being a single mom to 2 kids. Got divorced and that got rid of one of the "kids." Turns out I was much more rested and relaxed without my exhusband around.
Beachbum 1 year ago
Damn this sounds so familier! I wold always tell people, that I was a married single parent...He did absolutely nothing to help me. I think what did it for me was the day, I left work a little early, I had to get my son to his basball game, I mean I was scrambling, then I drive by where his brother works, he is self=employed, and it was on my way, and I see his truck parked there......he gets to the game almost an hour after. Said sorry, he just got back into town, he builds pools and goes to the job site. I was like hmmmm really? Then how come I saw your tuck at your brother's garge? I was done!
Chelsea McKee 1 year ago
Men sure like to remind everyone how much work they do. Even when their partner works. ☕
garry hill 4 months ago
HOW I SAVED MY RELATIONSHIP IN JUST 24 HOURS...CONTACT THE SPELL CASTER VIA THE WHATSAPP +2347071347485 EMAIL: {drituasteven@gmail. com} I was on the verge of losing everything…until I turned to spiritual help .I loved my husband deeply but out of nowhere he grew cold, distant and uninterested in our marriage. We were drifting apart fast and divorce seemed inevitable no matter what I did nothing worked. My heart was shattered but something inside me said: This love is worth fighting for. Then the truth came to light: A woman from his workplace had used dark voodoo to pull him away from me. She was spiritually manipulating him and I had no idea. That’s when I discovered Dr. Itua is a powerful and genuine spell caster who changed everything. Within 24 hours of contacting him Dr. Itua reversed the evil spell. My husband came back to me loving, attentive, loyal and completely obsessed. He now cherishes me, respects me and shows me affection like never before and the other woman? Her infl
#5
When one friend privately tells you they are concerned for your health and safety, you dismiss them and adamantly defend your spouse.
When five friends individually tell you they are scared for you, then you start to listen and to accept an uncomfortable truth.
Sonja 1 year ago
It's not so easy. My whole family told me they were afraid for me and all of f my friends told me they didn't like my bf. Were now married and together for 26 years. I lost a lot of friends and my brother still doesn't talk to me, but those who came around admitted that they just weren't ready to see me grow out of my party phase and becoming an adult, while my sister admitted that there was no reason to not like my husband, he did nothing wrong. He just was so serious and different from the family and they didn't like my changes. My father admitted he couldn't deal with the fact that his little girl was growing up. It's important to do some soul searching if everyone warns you about your significant other. But if you're truly happy with your husband and have no complaints, then stick to your decision. If you have to make excuses for bad behaviour though, think hard if that's really how you want to spend your life.
Averysleepypanda 1 year ago
I think your situation is different from OPs and isn’t really the same situation most women face.
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Susan Teter 1 year ago
When my boyfriend had his hands around my neck choking me out. The last thing I heard was "Go talk to your Grandma". He never met her, and she passed away in 1972. If there is a God in Heaven, he will take care of my lightwork.
ILoveMySon 1 year ago
Oh, Dear. I certainly hope this is ex boyfriend and you are well.
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AnonymousApple 1 year ago
One of my ex's friends once pulled me aside and asked "does he always treat you like that??" It still took me too long to leave him, but even at the time, I recognized it for the wake up call it was.
Elizabeth Butler 1 year ago
This is why controlling abusers try to cut their partner off from all friends and family and isolate them.
Granny's Thoughts 1 year ago
Appreciate those friends. Most people look the other way, not wanting to be involved.
#6
He was very abusive, sexually, physically, mentally, and financially. But the final straw was when I found out he had lied about having a deceased child. He had told me all about his son who had passed away aged 4. He had told me his full name, birthday, death day, favourite toys, how he died, who the mother was, his PIN for his bank card was the child's "birthdate" which fit with the age of the child, and he even had a tattoo for the supposed child. He even had a conversation with me on a fake facebook profile he created for the fake mother. The day I found out that child never existed, and was created for sympathy, was the day I realised I had truly married a sociopath. I finally found the real facebook profile of the "mother" who told me they dated when they were 14 for just a few months and she said, and I quote "why does he keep telling people this! We don't have a child, dead or alive!" He stuck with the lie to almost the very end, until i looked at records and confronted him that this child has no birth or death record. (I found out about 6m into the marriage that he had a diagnosis of anti-social personality disorder, otherwise frequently called sociopathy, but that was what made me acknowledge just how dangerously twisted he is) I went to my mother's house a few days later and my ex husband had diarrhea, so he became stuck on her toilet and I got to speak to her alone for the first time (he never left me alone), we planned my escape and I left later that day with my 9 month old baby. I thankfully have not seen him since that day, I moved house 10 times in 6 years, and changed my daughter's name along with getting sole custody and a protection order, I travelled to 3 different towns to get my court documents signed by the required witnesses, so he has 3 documents with 3 different towns on it, none of which that I live in. I had my address concealed by the courts on all the paperwork including the divorce.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
Jesus, this is just terrifying. So glad you're both safe & I'm also hoping that case of diarrhea wasn't accidental.
Sonja 1 year ago
Untreated, a narcissistic personality disorder can be as dangerous as an antisocial personality disorder. But the difference is, once a clinical narcissist is diagnosed and has accepted that they need therapy and change, they'll do everything to become better people and it usually lasts. Because narcissists are still able to have empathy as soon as they get over their self centred behaviour. The hard part is making them see that their behaviour is bad. They'll usually accept pretty quickly that they're narcissist, but firmly believe that's a good thing. But if they do understand the negative impact and that it's a bad thing, they pour everything into making amends. But a sociopath is unable to have empathy, because they don't see other people's emotions as real. They can't connect, because their own scope of emotions is so limited, and you can't learn the impact of an emotion you're unable to feel. Without that, you can't have empathy.
Violet1854 1 year ago
OMG I am sorry for all that horror u are going thro OP *sending virtual hugs*
Granny's Thoughts 1 year ago
Kudos to you. You were very brave taking those 1st steps for you and your childs safety.
#7
He got his second DUI with our daughter in the car. I filed 3 days later. You can f**k up your life and you can f**k up my life but never hers.
garry hill 4 months ago
HOW I SAVED MY RELATIONSHIP IN JUST 24 HOURS...CONTACT THE SPELL CASTER VIA THE WHATSAPP +2347071347485 EMAIL: {drituasteven@gmail. com} I was on the verge of losing everything…until I turned to spiritual help .I loved my husband deeply but out of nowhere he grew cold, distant and uninterested in our marriage. We were drifting apart fast and divorce seemed inevitable no matter what I did nothing worked. My heart was shattered but something inside me said: This love is worth fighting for. Then the truth came to light: A woman from his workplace had used dark voodoo to pull him away from me. She was spiritually manipulating him and I had no idea. That’s when I discovered Dr. Itua is a powerful and genuine spell caster who changed everything. Within 24 hours of contacting him Dr. Itua reversed the evil spell. My husband came back to me loving, attentive, loyal and completely obsessed. He now cherishes me, respects me and shows me affection like never before and the other woman? Her infl
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CanadianDimes 1 year ago
Don’t give someone else permission to fück up your life. If it’s not okay to treat your kid that way, it’s not okay to treat you that way.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
Wise words. It's sad how many of these stories involve the child being traumatized for the person to see things clearly. Why do we think we're worth less than our children? Abuse is a master art of manipulation & gaslighting so I do understand why it's sometimes difficult to recognize the signs but once you do, know that you deserve so much better!
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Irish Lassie 1 year ago (edited)
My ex’s d**g of choice was coke (used & sold). But the sad truth is that once she grows up and all that dirty water is under the bridge and you’ve never said a negative word about him to her, she still may decide to put him on a pedestal. Since he’s the only father, biologically speaking, that she’ll ever have, you may find that once she’s older, she favors him over you. Why? Because you had to make all the difficult decisions, be the voice of reason & the disciplinarian and he got to do “fun stuff” with her every other weekend. And if he has more money than you, he’ll do his best to buy her love. Yes, this is exactly what happened to my daughter and me. Thankfully, he showed his true colors and she now keeps him at arms length. She still loves us both which is really all a parent could ask.
quentariel 1 year ago (edited)
DUI with kid on board is absolutely unexcuseable, but I think any DUI is anyway. Anyone driving drunk should lose their licenses forever. It's a danger not to just the driver themselves and possible passengers, but also any innocent bystander.
DarkViolet 1 year ago
Correction: he does NOT have permission to f**k up your life. In this case, your daughter will be better off being raised by a single mother (you) than a single jackass for a father (him).
Astro 1 year ago
I don’t think she meant permission, she meant capability. He’s already f****d up her life and she refuses to let it happen to her daughter.
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Pamela Christie 1 year ago
Good, but why did you tell him he could f**k up YOUR life? Why were you okay with that?
#8
For years I was the only one putting ANY effort into our life goals or raising our kids. I felt like he was my 3rd (most idiotic) child since I did everything for him, up to filling out employment paperwork and making his Dr.s appointments, while not receiving any kindness or acts of love in return.
A month before our 5th anniversary I told him that if he wanted to do something, he would need to plan it; I was exhausted.
You see, every year I did SO MUCH for our anniversary; I booked the same honeymoon suite we’d had on our wedding night at the same romantic bed and breakfast. I’d arrange for a babysitter, research and make reservations at a different fancy restaurant each time, PACKED HIS BAG (usually buying him new clothes too), packed my bags (obviously), bought gifts, made sure he was off work early, etc. EVERYTHING, HONEY.
I reminded him a week ahead of time that I wasn’t planning anything this year.
I woke up the day of our anniversary knowing he had made no plans. Would he throw something together last minute? Give me a gas station gift? Offer another back rub that turned into coerced sex? Who knows? I said I wasn’t planning anything so I waited.
He came home from work and complained about not having good food for dinner; so we went grocery shopping.
In the check out line, at 8pm, he turned around with a surprised f*****g look on his face and said “s**t, today is our anniversary, isn’t it?”
HE DIDN’T EVEN REMEMBER until that very moment. GOD I felt so small, SO INSIGNIFICANT. So very used and discarded.
And then I felt every ounce of hope and love I had left for him disappear. It simply evaporated. gone.
“Yes, it is” was all I said. He turned back around after laughing and saying “lol. we both forgot.”
Nope. We didn’t. You did, again, like always. And I had the obvious realization that we’re not in an equitable relationship, I’m just your full-time mommy that you get to f**k.
I was NOT treated like a loved and wanted human being at all. I left him after I got my ducks in a row about 6 months later.
spicy (she/he/they) 1 year ago
yeah, you go! leave that little (well more like big) s**t behind!
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
My ex didn't forget my birthday or our anniversary, but, as the years went on, the gifts were obviously something randomly chosen on the way home. Never anything I wanted or needed. Another tick on the Con List as the Pro side got shorter and shorter.
Marie BellaDonna 1 year ago
Ugh, sounds EXACTLY like my ex boyfriend! Well, except that my ex was loving and affectionate and quite generous with gift giving. I knew that he loved me very much. But everything else OP stared was him to a tee-he was a clueless, brainless mommy's boy. I had to do EVERYTHING for him. Not to mention, said mommy was ALWAYS meddling in our lives, and he ALWAYS took her side. I stayed with him for 2 years, but eventually I couldn't take it anymore. I left, and found a real man, who acts like an adult, and makes his own decisions (or we make them together, with no one else's meddling), and who takes care of me, as much as I take care of him. I've been with my husband almost 25 years now, and we're still as happy and in love as we ever were. THANK GOD I never married-or had kids-with my ex!!!!
Dread Pirate Roberts 1 year ago
Did he really say "lol" too? If so, that makes it so much freakin worse.
Tamra 1 year ago
Planning to start your life over takes time and effort. Setting up a new bank account, finding a place to live..so many things that need to happen.
Load More Replies... #9
Was married for 5 years. The last 2.5, he was physically abusive. I kept blaming myself, trying to be better… if only I didn’t do____ he wouldn’t do this. I’ll be better, and it will go away. The last night it happened, my 4 yo child tried to protect me, and he went after her. Something came over me, I saw red, I kicked his a*s, and filed for divorce the next morning. In retrospect, I should have filed the morning after he abused me, physically or otherwise the first time. And that is my advice to all others out there. Your abusive spouse will not change. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
Everytime. And any kind of physical contact that is in anger or unwanted *IS* abuse! Grabbing, pulling, pushing, etc- it's all abuse and will not get better. I know from experience & made excuses because he "never hit me" but the bruises I was always hiding told the truth.
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Sonja 1 year ago (edited)
Especially when that partner makes excuses. During my time at the psychological faculty we saw two sorts of abusers. Those who didn't see what they did as abuse and those who did. Those who did see their abuse and honestly tried to get better took responsibility, and one important step was taking protective measurements for their abused dependents. They'd move out, leave the situation when they realised they were almost at the brink at hurting them and realising it was their task to recognise a situation that was making them irrational and regulating themselves. They would immediately do everything to stop themselves. They would say: I know how I become when x happens, please help me to find out how to deal with that better and how to stop hurting my family. The others would constantly blame their partners for 'triggering' them. Their favourite sentence was: they know how I become when x happens, they have to stop doing y. It sounds so similar, but it exposes a different mindset.
Flopsy 1 year ago
I think a mother could easily kill barehand the strongest man if he went after her child.
Occam's Chainsaw 1 year ago
Women can do amazing and powerful things, but no. The best thing women can do is make a plan to escape as safely and quietly as possible, and never go back. If there are no other options, do what you can, but no one should depend on adrenaline to save them in this situation.
Load More Replies... rainbowbrite141 1 year ago
Something similar happened when I was 5. Grabbed my doll's high chair and swong it at my dad to get him off of my mom. Still remember the look of surprise on both of their faces.
Anouk Lulu 1 year ago
Your daughter sounds amazing, trying to protect you. So sorry the two of you had to go through that.
Xenia Harley 1 year ago
So sad, that so many people get caught up in this cycle, where the abuser grooms their target/spouse/SO.
Marie BellaDonna 1 year ago (edited)
This. So many people don't realize it's not always as simple as "just leave". Abusers will break their victims down, destroy their self esteem, make them believe that they CAN'T leave, that no one else will love them, that they'll never make it on their own. They manipulate them into believing it's all their fault. They'll intimidate their victims, make them too terrified for their safety to try to make a move. Then they'll love-bomb, put that mask on like it was in the beginning, & give their victims false hope that if they stay, & if they just "do better", things will be okay again (even though, in reality, it never gets better, only worse & worse). Add that to the fact that it starts out small, & builds over time. Many victims don't even realize what's happening, or how bad it is, until it's already way past bad. Especially if they've never been abused before. (But being abused before can also make one more prone to being abused again, as one's self esteem is already low.) There's a whole huge psychological aspect to it, & a lot of fear. If there's kids in the mix, it's even harder. That doesn't mean one should stay and take it. Ever. But it's a lot more difficult to break the cycle, or sometimes to even recognize it, than people who've never been there can ever understand. Some people (not you, Xenia, just speaking in general) need to think about that, before they judge victims so harshly, for staying so long. We shouldn't ever victim blame, anyway. Ever.
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Marina M. 1 year ago
My husband tried to strangle me while I was sitting on the couch and nursing our newborn daughter. I could do nothing to get his hands off my neck since I was shielding my baby; he was almost on top of her. That was it for me; I called 911, and he went to jail. The next day, I applied for a restraining order; the day after that, I filed for divorce. I can (and did) put up with his abuse before, but Mama Bear came out that day.
TotallyNOTAFox 1 year ago (edited)
Violence is only acceptable to protect others or yourself - if somebody uses it outside of that never think what the cause of it may have been or what you could have done differently, just leave and never look back. The sister of my best friend had such a BF, and it took quite some "convincing" from us towards him that he's better off as single... in regards of his health. She would never had the courage to just leave him back then.
#10
I was the problem in the marriage. We were young when we married and I wasn’t done being a careless partying person. Looking back, I was such an a*s. My partner didn’t deserve that at all.
spicy (she/he/they) 1 year ago
i’m glad you recognize that and are able to grow from that. takes good character.
Sven Horlemann 1 year ago
And there is no thing wrong in acknowledging this in yourself. Good one!
#11
Made a poor financial decision which almost led to us getting evicted. He did not tell me until he “figured it out”. However, he discussed the matter with people at work. He also had extreme anger issues, and drank a lot. The final straw was when my 7 y/o told me he no longer felt safe with him, and did not want to be nice to him because of how mean he was to me.
JustAnotherPanda (she/they/he) 1 year ago
If you add “but I didn’t listen” to the end of the story, that describes my life and about my dad
#12
I finally realized that my kid was watching
Alicat Wombat 1 year ago (edited)
And learning. Young children interpret whatever their parents do as love because they have no other context. That’s why they will fight to stay even when there’s abuse.
StrangeOne 1 year ago
On the flip side, they can take note of what they don't want in a relationship. The difficulty is recognizing healthy relationship behaviours when both parents are not healthy to be around. Every kid who's witnessed domestic abuse of any sorts needs long term counselling.
Load More Replies... Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Yeah, my parents not only didn't pick up on the fact that we heard/saw everything, my mother would drag us out of bed (screw school the next day) and force us to choose who we wanted to live with. Brutal.
Jane Hower 1 year ago
My son was 17 and deciding what to do after HS - he had hight grades - he said he wanted to try for one of the military academies because that way it would be a free education and that would make it easier for me to decide if I was going to leave the marriage or not. What a matrue, observant, and loving son. He chose the Navy and attended at Annapolis and I got divorced.
#13
He told me 'it was time to get over' my miscarriage the day of my follow-up appointment when my OB said the procedure was successful. AKA, four days later
spicy (she/he/they) 1 year ago
b***h??? ask him to get over the loss of his parent/job/anything significant four days later, and watch him get *pissed.* terrible thing about your baby, though. hugs and kisses from your weird cousin in mn.
Divyansha Shukla 1 year ago
I’m sure he'll get pissed even if he’s told to get over the loss of his favourite sports team
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Valek Fermiga 1 year ago
Tells a LOT about who that " man " is; he clearly never wanted children, clearly never cared about you, clearly only gives a sh** about himself - you are so better off without him - the " man " is a heartless narcissist - I truly hope you are doing better ( as much as you can anyway) now....
#14
After two DUIs, multiple relapses, and a separation we decided to work things out. I had to take my friend out of town to buy a car and told my husband I’d be home “around 6.”
I was very excited to be early and surprise him. As I turned down our block at 5, I noticed his car coming down the block. Stopped one house early and tossed something in the dumpster.
I waited momentarily till he pulled into the garage then drove up to the dumpster. It was a beer can he tossed. He was drinking and driving with our kids after all of that.
Came in and immediately tossed him out.
#15
I went on a weekend trip with my mom to a town on the coast that has a casino and outlet mall. I’m notoriously frugal, so my mom enticed me with a free hotel room. Cool, that just leaves food. I gave myself $20 to spend at the casino and had zero plans to buy anything at the mall. Well, that $20 turned into $860 (edit: the additional $840 was gambling winnings). So I paid for our hotel room and food, and bought some wardrobe staples at the outlet mall. I went home with $230 remaining, less my gas money. Not too bad, right? Well, my ex-husband flipped out when he saw that I had bought some clothes. He started yelling about how we needed to put together a budget, because “our” spending was out of control. But a reminder: I’m very frugal. It was his 4-6 lattes a day, breakfasts and lunches out, and iTunes addiction, plus the $60/each he gave his 3 kids each week to buy their lunches at fast food places instead of the school cafeteria that were bleeding us dry. Never mind the random expensive stuff his kids regularly asked for. But despite that, he just wouldn’t stop yelling at me about needing to budget and he had me backed into a corner, physically. He would not listen when I pointed out that I actually made a profit that weekend. He stormed out to go pick up the kids from their moms, so I decided to distract myself to calm down. I broke out my laptop and created a spreadsheet on Excel to chart expenses and analyze where we could make cuts, etc. Logged into our bank account online to start charting the spending for the last 6 months and what do I see? $600 in ATM withdrawals and a credit card charge of over $900 to a very classy establishment named The Boom Boom Room, all on the first night I was gone. The ATM he used (thankfully, our bank’s so no fees) was located near the club. I decided to just input the charges on my little spreadsheet along with everything else, and gave it the header “Strippers”. He was taking his sweet time coming home (he took the kids out to eat, budget be damned), so I put together a basic budget and highlighted non-essential expenses to “discuss” and try to find ways to cut down. I broke those expenses down by mine, his, and ours, which definitely confirmed the source of the problem. That night, after he’d returned home and the kids were sleeping, I broke out the laptop and pulled up my spreadsheet. It took a minute, but he eventually saw the “Strippers” entry. He immediately denied it, said we must have been hacked. So I said “great, then we need to shut down the cards, notify the authorities, and request help from the bank.” He soon caved, and claimed that he’d called his buddy to go out and the buddy chose the location (which he thought was just a bar), and the buddy was going to bring a guitar he was selling for $600 cash. He took out money, but then his buddy stood him up. By then, he was drinking and got conned into buying really expensive booze for the girls flirting with him, who he wasn’t tipping at all, as he didn’t realize it was a strip club. He gave the club his cash to pay part of the bar tab, then charged the rest. Sure, uh huh. Right. He tried to play victim and say that he was just so embarrassed about being tricked that he snapped when he saw I spent money - he panicked, thinking we’d go into the negative. Like, dude, you went to a strip club. Own it - I don’t give a c**p if you go to one. What I do care about is not setting boundaries on what you’ll spend, then refusing to take accountability when you over do it. And to then corner ME physically while you scream at ME after YOU screw up? Hell no. We’d been having problems already, but that flipped the switch for me. I moved out a week later and our divorce was finalized a mere 9 days after we filed. Screw those mind games.
Sonja 1 year ago
So he had three kids from at least two different moms and it took you a tantrum over having new clothes to realise he's a deadbeat loser? If a guy has constantly changing partners and can't maintain a relationship, there's one common denominator, and that's him. I'd be vary.
Diz 1 year ago (edited)
No the way he acted is what made him a loser and people can have multiple kids from multiple partners for various reasons you don't get to judge them for that. You judge him for being an abusive a*****e who accused her of not caring about their finances while blowing money on strippers!
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Darla Hitchcock 1 year ago (edited)
Yeah...I was with a guy for awhile. Similar stuff. One night we went to a tiki bar to see a friend of mine from out of town play. I was going easy, because I was a poor student. My boyfriend, on the other hand, was acting the big man and buying people expensive umbrella drinks. When we got in the car to go home he started yelling at me about how "we" had to watch our spending. We? Um, no. So, he got me crying and then started talking about how silly it was that we were spending money on two places to live, and why didn't I just move in with him? Well, foolishly I did, and he continued to reveal his real self to me. Worst two years of my life. I feel your pain!
#16
After years of his alcoholism and constant belittling, the last straw was his confession that he had done something terrible to our daughter.
sillylittlewillybilly 1 year ago
people who do these kind of things should get a lifetime sentence in jail IMO
Daniela Lavanza 1 year ago
In France, they used to have guillotines. Very handy for such monsters.
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Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
Word. It's pitchfork and torches time.
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ॐBoyGanesh 1 year ago
This angered me so much I wanted to know that there was resolution & justice. So, I went thru all of her posts & comments. She’s in Florida, a Catholic and ex an Adventist(?) , they were married for 31 years, ex was cheating & on dating apps, the daughter was an adult, & the “terrible” thing was a betrayal and not physical or sexual abusing, it was ongoing betrayal and yes, he was abusive to OP physically. That’s all I could deduce other than there were no criminal charges or consequences for the ex.
Robin Childers 1 year ago
There's divorce and then there's Cause of death: Inconclusive on his death certificate.
#17
Emotional neglect over several years. She promised we would have kids and made excuse after excuse why it would never happen. Didn’t support me emotionally. Made me feel like less of a man for showing any emotion at all. I buried it all. One day on my way home from work, 20 hour shift, completely exhausted. I started falling asleep at the wheel, hit the rumble strip, woke up, looked at the barricade in the median on the freeway and was ready to die, so started accelerating toward the barricade. Last second I slammed on the brakes, turned, and avoided collision. I sat there for a moment wondering why I wanted to die, and realized I had been in a one way relationship for years, and all of the reasons to leave flooded in. Took a while to muster up the courage to go, and she acted so blindsided by it when I left. Found a true partner, and am now happily remarried. 😊
Storm Rise 1 year ago
I'm so glad you got out of that, and found your wonderful new partner. Thank you for the courage you showed speaking up!
Julie Ann Al buzbeba 1 year ago
Glad you were able to get out and happy you found the right one for you!
Gozer LeGozerian 1 year ago
So you contemplated suicide because she wouldn't birth kids? Weird
rabbitthorn 1 year ago
i think you skipped over the part about emotional neglect, and i assume the mention of excuses about having kids was to show the lack of wanting to communicate and instead choosing to put it off. i can only speculate though
Load More Replies... #18
Being pushed down the stairs so hard that I had splinters up and down my arms from trying to catch myself on the wooden rails. Multiple broken ribs that time. My brand new laptop I just got for school smashed on the sidewalk. Found crack in his tool belt in the shed. All within about 48 hours
Edit: thanks for the kind comments and messages guys. Guess I’ll add this as well, after I left he ended up with a new girlfriend very quickly who was also into d***s and according to his daughter, absolutely batshit. She caught him cheating on her, and waited in his bed for him to get home after seeing the other woman. She had a gum (edit: gun), and shot him. It only went through his hand though, so I really wonder if he learned his lesson or not
JP Purves 1 year ago
The girlfriend should have aimed lower and to the middle.
Load More Replies... Huntress of Artemis 1 year ago (edited)
OP deserves someone much better.That guy is a piece of stinky human garbage.I hope both sides of his pillow stay warm and gets arrested by the police.He deserves to get pooped on by pigeons all the time and get stuck in heavy traffic.I hope Op sues him for assault and property damage.
TotallyNOTAFox 1 year ago
Easy solution - just call the cops, with the crack present he'll be in deep s**t on top of the domestic violence
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Depends whether or not she hit his self-pleasuring hand. My ex, in a fit of rage, punched our metal door severely fracturing his "special" hand. Damn, how I delighted in that for months.
Dee Rutherford 1 year ago (edited)
Happened to me too. When we went out, when we did go out, it was to some work function. He wanted me to be there because I was good looking and it looked good for him. One night I got tired of sitting in the corner while he drank. So someone bought me a drink, then another, the another. He came up and dragged me out immediately. I admit I was pretty lit by then. Once we got home, I couldn’t seem to climb the stairs to our second floor apartment. These were on the outside, so straight up to the second floor. So I eventually crawled my way to the top. He had locked me out. So I banged on the door, he eventually opened it, and promptly pushed me back do the stairs. I was out within the week.
Chez2202 1 year ago
I hope the shot was through his dominant hand. Imagine being such a wanker then finding out you’re now c**p at that along with everything else.
Chez2202 1 year ago
So confused as to how I got away with wanker but c r a p was censored.
Load More Replies... #19
One night, after manifesting another argument, he threw his ring at me screaming for a divorce (for the second time), and left the house. That night, I got the BEST nights sleep I’d had in months. Called our marriage counselor and my therapist the next morning to get their take; both conversations were less than 5 minutes long and each said it was over. He was shocked when I served him papers 🤣🤷♀️
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
Screams & throws things then has surprised Pikachu face that she's done? Bon Voyage, dumbass.
Deborah B 1 year ago
No, Screams "Divorce" and throws his ring. And then has surprised Pikachu face when she follows through with one.
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I’ll have a treble thanks. 1 year ago
My ex always screamed divorce when I didn’t turn myself inside out for him, I gave him one 😁 he was stunned, still makes me smile 😂
rainbowbrite141 1 year ago
Something similar happened with my ex husband. After an argument he told me he was leaving. I came home to find a week's worth of work clothes & his laptop gone but it was out two millionth argument after 7 years of abuse and I was just done. I spoke to our landlord (who hated him) & had him taken off the lease. He was stunned when he tried to come back and I wouldn't let him.
Jon Steensen 1 year ago
Play stupid games, win stupid prices. Be careful with what you say, especially in a state of anger, as someone might hold you up on it later.
Celtic Pirate Queen 1 year ago
My ex was not only incredibly insecure, he would never take accountability for anything. Informed me that I was responsible for his happines. I laughed in his face and said "Um, no. You're a grown a*s man & I am not responsible for your emotions AT ALL". Kept arguing the point, so I made an appt with a marriage counselor - who told him the same thing. Well, she was a woman, of course she agreed with me. So, I called a MALE counselor, who also told him to grow up and start acting like an adult. That was just the tip of the iceberg. If I turned down sex (most of the time, I'd already been thinking about leaving him), that meant I didn't love him. After him getting pissed and yelling, once again, that I didn't love him, I snapped. "You know what Mike? You're right. I don't love you anymore. I want a divorce". It took a few months, but that first night in my own apartment was the best night's sleep I'd had in years.
#20
When I borrowed his tablet, I looked thru his messages and saw one where he asked his female friend to spend the night with him on a business trip. And that was just the tip of the iceberg with his cheating. I filed for divorce a few months later after getting all my ducks in a row.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
It would be so hard not to act on impulse and lash out. Good for you for keeping a level head and setting yourself up for a successful fresh start!
Riley Quinn 1 year ago
Getting your ducks in a row before filing the papers is the route to take - if you can, if you aren't in danger. I highly recommend having a separate bank account and stashing any extra money away for the inevitable rainy day in a bad relationship.
#21
To make a long story short, my ex became lazy. He lost a great paying job and quit it because someone was mean to him. He never helped around the house and decided to smoke pot, drink, and play video games while I was working a ton of overtime to help keep the house. My grandfather died, and I was unable to attend the funeral 1500 miles away because we didn't even have enough money for rent. I began to resent him at this point. Eventually, he finds a job, and things are going better, but he's still not pulling his weight, and he keeps spending any extra money on alcohol. My last straw was when we went out to a local bar where everyone knew me. I played pool for their bar team, so I was there at least once a week for 6 months out of the year. He was yelling at the bartender because he felt they would only help him when I was asking for drinks with him. I took him off to the side and told him not to speak to the girls that way, and he was out of line. When I tried to walk away, he grabbed my arms and threw me against the wall. I was able to free my right hand and punched him. I moved out the next day.
#22
Our marriage was miserable for both of us. We'd been to many marriage counsellors over the past few years.
During a counselling session the counsellor mentioned that some couples are just better off divorced. It was an off-hand comment not related to us specifically, but for me it was an epiphany. I realised on the way home that it was over. I left about 4 weeks later, and my only regret since is that I didn't leave years earlier.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
Sometimes it just doesn't work out. People are like puzzle pieces- you can't force them to fit together.
Sonja 1 year ago
And sometimes they're still good people and no one is at fault. They could just have vastly different approaches to things in life and just don't fit. Just like you said. It's sad that ending a relationship is so stigmatized. So many people try hard to make things work and are miserable who could have great lives and be amicable if they just separated. A friend of mine had divorced parents who had realised they made a huge mistake to get married without being truly attracted. They'd settled. They had a very amicable divorce and became great co-parents. She was very happy with that. But she remembered them being together and constantly arguing with each other, mostly over completely nonsensical stuff. She was so happy when they started laughing with each other and being a family again after the divorce. They never got back together but remained being good friends. Her mom told her, they were more like siblings than friends or a couple.
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Giraffy Window 1 year ago
Or that Marriage counselor saw the signs and made it seem offhand so that whichever of you needed to hear it could store it away without contention being added.
R Dennis 1 year ago
My wife and I went to a marriage counselor early in our marriage. He had also been counseling my stepson and I didn't feel like he was really helping him. I had told him that after a long period of time, I hadn't seen anything improve. Tbh, he gave me creeper vibes and I was concerned. (I don't know why she wanted to go see him, because she knew we did not like each other.) Within 10 minutes, he said we should get a divorce. I said "I knew you were a quack." He got offended and tried to tell me who I was in ways to hurt me - which, he hadn't talked to me for 30 minutes in life so it didn't have whatever affect he thought would happen. I just kept laughing at every attempt at a cutting insult and continued calling him a quack. I wasn't even mad, just that he was such a mess and we were paying him for help. 20+ years later and I think we are most of the time happy.
quentariel 1 year ago
My mom and dad divorced when I was 4. As a liitle child I was hurt and confused about it, but realised soon that they just never really fit together. It would have never worked and I'm glad that they figured it out sooner than later. They were always civil about everything, and after few years even turned into almost friends.
#23
My husband worked out of the country for a year with my blessing, but when he accepted another 6-month contract, I offered my support but said that this is the last contract extension and when it was complete, I expected him to come home. I said I would move anywhere in the country so he could find a comparable job. He left on schedule...then did not speak to me for 199 days. No calls, no emails, unlike during the previous times. When he did finally contact me, he acted as though nothing was wrong. I had obviously determined by then that things were over, but the callousness in which he acted was astounding. But it's all cool; my second husband is way better!
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
This is just psychotic. 199 days!? Get the f**k out of here, dude.
Mike F 1 year ago
10 days without contact should be considered desertion.
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fasttalkingbitch 1 year ago (edited)
That…that….I’m truly speechless. I would have been calling everyone thinking he was dead only to find out the mfer was alive and just ignoring me. May he always run out of toilet paper while on the commode.
#24
At our second round of marriage therapy; the therapist asked him “What nice thing can you do with your wife?” He replied “She can help me gap the spark plugs in the Durango and re-wire the boat trailer.” After 40 years of marriage; I decided right then and there that I still had some years left to live and I was going to live them…without him.
Sonja 1 year ago
When you ask that question to a healthy couple or at least one that has still real feelings for each other you'll get something they both enjoy. Like going camping, having a nice dinner, going on a weekend trip, or even role playing and gaming. I heard one guy say: we could go foraging mushrooms together and her face lit up and she said: yes, we haven't done that in years! We could bring a picnic and then cook mushroom casserole the next day! It doesn't matter what it is, but it matters that it's something they've used to do and were both looking forward to. If the couple can't think of something they'd do for leisure together that both would equally enjoy, that's usually a sign that the relationship is over. It usually means that the partner doesn't enjoy their significant other's company no matter what they're doing unless they get something else out of it.
DumYum 1 year ago (edited)
I put off leaving for so long because I thought my best years were gone. What a fool I was in my 40s and 50s. If every year you continue rationalizing about why you should stay — just get out. Left at 60. BTW he was not a cheater but a type-A personality that was so hard to live with and an alcoholic but functional — good at work, etc.
#25
TW: blood, atv accident
Not a divorce but a break up nonetheless. One night, my friend and I got into a really bad 4 wheeler accident. Neither of us had helmets on (incredibly stupid, I know). Like bad enough that she knocked out a bunch of her teeth, and broke her cheekbone and jaw. I luckily walked away with a mild concussion and needed a couple stitches in my head. Right after the crash, as I was kneeling over my friend screaming her name trying to get her to wake up, with my own blood running down my face, I see my ex walk right past us and start assessing the damage to his 4 wheeler. Not a word to me asking if we were okay, barely even a glance. The next thing that happened was our other friends realizing what happened and rushing to us to help, my ex still fussing over his precious 4 wheeler. And then I see/hear my friends husband sprinting up the hill, screaming and in tears because he was so scared for his wife. Once she was awake and coherent, I went to go back to the house to get her some water. As I walked past my ex, he very halfheartedly goes “you good?” That’s when it really hit me that he probably wouldn’t p**s on me if I was on fire.
Auntriarch 1 year ago
I was in a very minor rear end shunt, I managed to drive home, my husband didn't even look at the car, he just hugged me while I sniveled and shook. Yes it was his car.
Lost Penny 1 year ago
When my friend got into a car wreck, her ex's first reaction was, "You totaled the f*****g car??!!"
SA Jane 1 year ago
This is my husband. I've had a stroke but am still fairly active, I only have left leg weakness. My husband didn't even check on or talk to me when I had Covid and couldn't get out of bed for over 24 hours. Believe it or not I still stayed with him, he refused to answer any of my messages either verbally or by text. I finally saved enough money to leave, he never asked where I was or when I would be back. Been gone 3 mos. and the only conversation we've had is when I went back and told him I had no intention of returning except to get my belongings. This was how I spent my 25+years with him
#26
He stole from a subordinate at work and tried to get someone else arrested for it
#27
Probably when she thought I was sleeping and she got her gun and tried to shoot me in the head. (I had removed the firing pin and I hear the whole thing).
David 1 year ago
why do you think he removed the pin. This way he has proof
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Strings 1 year ago
If you fear enough to remove the firing pin, you already fear enough to get out. Unless you were waiting to get proof
Kate 1 year ago
That proof would make a biiiig different in the case against her. Like, if there's kids involved, that would make the difference between whether she gets any custody or not.
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Idgafwyt AllDat'N'ABagOfChips 1 year ago
Wondering if she knows, that he knows, she tried to kill him while he's asleep. 🤔 either way good on ya for booting that psycho to the curb.
Brian Droste 1 year ago
If you was so scared that she would try to kill you with a gun, why didn't you just get rid of the gun?
Kate 1 year ago
In the US? She'd have reported him for stealing the gun, which is a little different from ordinary theft. Would've been a nightmare. Remember, depending on the state, guns sometimes have more rights than people here.
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Jon Steensen 1 year ago
that sounds like really risky business, and if you are at that point you should have gone out waaay sooner. What if she had tried another tactic, like a knife or poison? ...then having a gun that was not able to fire would have been of little use, when it comes to change the outcome.
#28
She had been spiraling out of control for a while. My son was 16 and started to protect himself by spending more time with his girlfriend and her mother. In retrospect the GF's mother helped us a lot. My (then) wife was angry about something, she kept trying to call our son. He did't answer. His GF and the GF's mother had blocked her calls. She hung up, threw her phone across the room and walked into her study. She came out of the study carrying her hammer and tried to swing it at me. I walked out without saying anything and got a protection order against her.
Idgafwyt AllDat'N'ABagOfChips 1 year ago
I initially read that she came out of the study carrying a hamster... I was very concerned for the poor little innocent guy.
Debbie 1 year ago
She had been spiralling out of control for a while..I wonder what the cause was.. Stress combined with a mental illness?
Bookworm 1 year ago
Could be. I mean, even a-hole people who are mentally stable don't usually escalate from 'calling someone a bunch of times in a row' straight to 'swing hammer at a nearby uninvolved person.'
Load More Replies... Storm Rise 1 year ago
Bloody hell! I'm so glad your son had a safe place to go, and that you got out without a hammer through your head too. Terrifying.
Chelsea McKee 1 year ago
People who want to have kids, you need to know that they grow into adults. Adults with interests outside of their parents, especially so if the parents treat them like s**t.
#29
My ex was so narcissist that he didn't even notice when I was distressed. He had been at the football club all day, came home and dropped off his bag, so I could wash his clothes, then went back. I was crying when he arrived home to do that and he didn't even bother to ask me why (had the tell-tail pains of a miscarriage). I bundled myself and my kids up and walked to the hospital a few blocks away once he was gone. He didn't even notice when we came home the next day, he was still asleep on the couch after being drunk the night before. I made arrangements with my father to leave him while he slept it off.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
I'm so sorry you went through all of this alone. I hope you find the love and support you deserve.
#30
Him screaming at me in the car because I answered ‘fine’ to his question of how am I. He just decided he didn’t like my tone, the way I said fine, and it was ok to scream and yelled at me the entire car ride back from the grocery store. We’ve been having issues for some time because he wouldn’t communicate, wouldn’t do his fair share of responsibilities with chores, everything has to be a fight to the death or an argument where he has to have the last word, and then I suspect his bipolar mania kicked in and he was basically waking me up at least 2-3 times during weekdays and every weekend to scream and argue with me over everything that he’s not happy with, that is somehow my fault. It’s my fault he has to have a job, it’s my fault there’s chores, it’s my fault his boss is s**t. His go to phrase when I point out that some things are just beyond my control is ‘I don’t understand’ and then it’s a repeat of the argument from the beginning over and over again. To top everything off, he would wake me up the next day and force me to recount the entire scene of him screaming and yelling at me and then he would look me right in the eye and say ‘I don’t believe you when you say I did all that.’ It’s f*****g traumatic and being forced to relive the whole thing the next day again or else he’ll harass me non stop just cause me to have PTSD to the point I just checked out. I can barely be civil around him. Just seeing him makes me upset and angry to the point that I have to spend a week working it out through my system. Then the whole gaslighting of ‘I don’t believe you’ just adds more to the mental abuse. That day when he screamed at me in the car, something just snapped and I realized that it doesn’t matter what happened, it was a stupid game that I’m never going to win so I might as well just quit. Funny thing is, he did admit that he knew there was something wrong with us when I basically stopped caring. But he still did nothing. He just sat there and waited for what idk. When I told him I’m done and I want a divorce, he started booking couples therapy and forcing me to attend the sessions because he’s trying you see, he wants to ‘save’ our marriage. It’s just further proof to me that he doesn’t really care and he’s going through the motions so he’s not the ‘bad guy’. He never at any point apologized for his behavior or took the initiative to talk to me. He wanted a witness aka the therapist to see that he’s a ‘good person’. And when I didn’t play the game by his rules, he realized that there’s no controlling the narrative anymore. So now when someone asks, I just tell them straight, he’s abusive, that’s why I left him. He doesn’t like it, but that’s no longer my problem.
Sonja 1 year ago
Sadly modern therapy is still mostly geared to help victims and has a severe deficiency when confronted with perpetrators. The reason for that is that psychology assumed far too long that being a well socialised human being was the norm, and people needed a reason to behave differently. But newer scientific research points in another direction. Social behaviour is learned behaviour. Biologically baseline is raging narcissism. Biologically we're all just dogs fighting for scraps, and we have to teach our children that it's more beneficial to be social. If we fail at that, we get narcissists and abusers. So many abusers have realised that they can use therapy to be treated like victims even when they're the cause of the problem. Therapy is great if you're truly the victim, but can be very harmful to victims if applied to the abusers giving them more excuses for their behaviour. We need to go back to behavioural therapy that holds people accountable for their actions.
KillerKiwi 1 year ago
100%. It’s great that we’re helping victims, but perpetrators also need help.
Load More Replies... Two Cat Studio 1 year ago
Dearest "Kittytigris" ... we could have been with the same guy! After I left him he went down hill fast: the FBI, Insurance Commissioner, the IRS, and his employer were all after him because of him going bat-s**t crazy without my income & doing all kinds of "stuff" to supplement his income while he entertained his f*****g girlfriends that he was seeing, I found out later, during our marriage. He committed suicide when I sued him for my share of our house he sold out from under me. I threatened to sue the closing attorney for not conducting a title search but my attorney firm would not sue another attorney so I had to drop it. He did me a favor! I only got 9-cents to the dollar he owed me but at lease I know he won't be hurting anyone else. I know who the other women are & I'm just biding my time for them. Cuckolding lawsuits are alive & well in Georgia, USA! Remember that ladies. You can sue the b***h that f***s your husband & you seek a divorce. Don't just take her, take her estate!
Storm Rise 1 year ago
I'm so sorry you had to live that. So much love to you for surviving.... the best revenge there is!
Cassandra 1 year ago
I can completely relate to this story. My dad was the exact same way. I realized way earlier than my mom that I was done with him, but unfortunately couldn't move out until I turned 18, and even after that still had to go home once in a while to go see her until she finally had enough. The constant "I never said that", "it's your fault blah is happening", really messes someone up. PTSD is the only way to describe it, and only years of trauma therapy has me at a place where I can mostly feel normal. I hope that you, and anyone that has suffered a similar situation have been able to get the help they need.
#31
Claiming to want to make it work but still having dating apps and refusing to wear a wedding ring
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
Yeah, if they're still hitting Tinder that doesn't seem like a promising start.
kissmychakram 1 year ago
Not wanting to wear a ring is fine - I don't like them, neither does my wife. Dating apps however are a definite red flag!
DumYum 1 year ago
I can’t wear my wedding ring anymore because I gained weight and it doesn’t fit. 🙁
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Celtic Pirate Queen 1 year ago (edited)
I met my husband online. After chatting for a few weeks we decided to meet in person. We met for coffee and it was like catching up with an old friend. He asked if he could take me to dinner and I said sure! But first do you mind if we pop into Barnes & Noble? So we hit the bookstore and I made a beeline for the sales table. I found a few books I just had to have and he very nonchalantly took them and carried them throughout the store. Dinner lasted 3.5 hours. He later told me that he had taken his profile down that very night. I did it in the parking lot. That was 16 years ago and he is still a perfect gentleman.
Display_Name 1 year ago
Mine wanted to make it work while still being involved with the mistress.
#32
8 years of his slob ways. He wouldn't shower but wanted sex. He was so lazy. After 8 years I couldn't do it anymore. Now I'm with a man for 25 years who is very clean and smells so good!
Idgafwyt AllDat'N'ABagOfChips 1 year ago
Glad OP was able to find a man that not only smells good but I'm guessing he's not lazy either. Clearly they're both willing to work together considering they have lasted more than 3 times longer.
Celtic Pirate Queen 1 year ago
Right? Why would ANYONE want sex with a pig? My ex had a really bad habit of "forgetting" to brush his teeth. I tried to explain that that's something he needs to think about BEFORE he starts breathing his nasty breath in my face, because I am definitely not in the mood now.
#33
When she cheated on me. I found out. We went to counseling. Meanwhile I'm trying to save our marriage and she is still seeing him.
I called his wife at her job to let her know my wife and her husband were still carrying on.
Huntress of Artemis 1 year ago
The OP’s wife and the guy she cheated on Op with are massive a-holes.Good on OP for telling that guy’s wife.
Astro 1 year ago (edited)
Ouch. Please don’t do this to anyone pandas, it’s so cruel and hurtful.
Upstaged75 1 year ago
Cheat or let the other person's spouse know about the cheating? I agree with the 1st one but not the 2nd.
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#34
We were together since I was 15 and he was 18. Married for 25 years in 2022. He had been progressively more and more angry for years by that point. He constantly screamed at me. I couldn’t do anything right and was constantly walking on eggshells. He allowed our house to literally fall apart around us and refused to do anything to help me. With anything. All he did was hold a job. I held a job sometimes 2 and did everything else. He was a massive hoarder too. Both our children left the house immediately upon graduation because they hated it there. On 6/23/22 he up and left me for my cousin. I was at work and didn’t know he was leaving. He blamed me for everything. Basically every problem over the last 30 years he laid at my feet. I filed for and paid for our divorce. It’s pending in the courts now.
Brian Droste 1 year ago (edited)
Not to me. That is only 3 years apart. If they were 21 and 18, would you think that is creepy? The parents would just need to keep a close eye on there children.
Load More Replies... Storm Rise 1 year ago
Good on you love- your life is going to be so much better, but I'm sorry you had to go through this to get there!
Mel Colley 1 year ago
Talk about insult to injury, he abuses and neglect you then dumps you. I hope Karma shows up quickly to collect.
#35
We were fighting constantly. During a a screaming match, she ran into the bathroom. I pulled the door open, she tried to kick me in the balls. I looked down, to my horror, my fist was cocked. I looked between her and my hand, uncurled my fingers, said "this needs to end now", turned around and calmly walked out. Neither of our proudest moments but no one was hurt, and we had 100% clarity
Debbie 1 year ago (edited)
Not Her proudest moment? I mean, she fled away to the bathroom, you followed her and pulled it open (was it locked?) and she tried to defend herself. How long has your fist been cocked? Was that what she was running from?
KillerKiwi 1 year ago
I’m glad that he left but you have a point. If I were her, I’d be relieved
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Jane Alexander 1 year ago
'Stick with your own kind' has many interpretations but I figure it like if you don't like to fight, don't be with someone who likes to fight, an' stuff like that.
#36
The realisation that we had become 'apartment buddies' instead of life partners. It was like we were running a co-habitation business without the benefits. The romance had moved out, and we were left with joint custody of a fridge. Time to close that chapter and let the next tenant of love move in
Catlady6000 1 year ago
May have been joint custody. Fridge goes with OP on weekends and holidays
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Hugh Cookson 1 year ago
Welcome to the real world ; me and my Wife have been together for 12 years, we've survived deaths of friends and family, bankruptcy, near homelessness and much more. I lost my libido 2 years ago due to medical issues and, having talked it through we now live together in happy companionship and love each other as much as we ever did, just without any flippy floppy ;0))
That Person 1 year ago
At least this one wasn’t hostile and there were no apparent hard feelings
Marie BellaDonna 1 year ago (edited)
This was so poetically written! I love it!! EDIT: I love the way it was written. Not that OP and their partner fell out of love. That's sad, and I'm sorry it happened. But I hope they've both found happiness.
#37
We were together for the wrong reasons anyway (too young, trying to escape our lives, etc), and our marriage was very benign, boring, and emotionless for like 8 years until he started a new position at work that had him driving 10 hours a day and his work van only had AM radio. Suddenly, this boring dude that I married came alive with excitement over all the new things he was learning about the world on the Rush Limbaugh show, and couldn't wait to bring all that b******t into our lives. All of a sudden EVERYTHING was a f*****g problem/ conspiracy. When our son needed glasses, it was a "money-grabbing scheme" from the Optometrist. When I wanted to buy a really cool Andy Warhol themed shower curtain, he refused because he didn't want any "gay s**t" in his house. He would call the music I listened to (Goth/Industrial/Post Punk) "f*****g queer"....you get the picture. So after years of his crusty attitude, compounded with me developing an ED as a coping mechanism, I was at my breaking point. All it took was us being at a party one night and a mutual friend making an extremely light hearted-yet- kinda flirty comment, and my husband lost his s**t ON ME. It was like a switch flipped in my brain. I was ready to be homeless with 2 kids before I would continue with this m**********r. He ended up moving in with his Mom and drinking himself to death, and I ended up meeting the funniest, most amazing and attentive man I've ever met and we've been thriving together for 16 years!
Idgafwyt AllDat'N'ABagOfChips 1 year ago
Happy that you all got out of that misery and I hope your kids are coping with the fact that their father chose to drink himself to death and that your new man is willing to be a supportive father figure type for them.
#38
Mum left my father when she caught him uploading a naked picture of himself to a p**nographic site. She said she watched him for a good 2 or 3 minutes before he noticed her.
I can't help but laugh any time I think about the absurdity of it.
Krd 1 year ago
While not great, is that really a reason for divorce? Like maybe they were curious what comments people would say about them, maybe like trying to find out if people find them attractive or something. Based on the limited info, he wasn't even talking with anyone else, so no infidelity. Something like this, assuming it was the only real issue, would require a conversation not divorce.
#39
I worked non-stop for years to support her ability to pursue her dreams. The financial strain of only my income supporting both our lives and her networking, etc. put a ton of stress on us, and neither of us handled it all that well. But we were moving toward a goal together, and as soon as she landed what she was working on, things would get better.
When she finally landed her dream job, suddenly we were done. Her choice.
It’s a lot more complicated than that, but that’s the emotional core of it for me. She did love me. I know that, but ultimately I’m still not sure if, way deep down, she loved me as a support structure for her goals or if I was a true part of her life plan that she abandoned when it became easier to let go than put in the work.
Sonja 1 year ago
Sadly in such situations sometimes people tend to attribute all problems to the situation, and when the situation changes they realise it was more than that and the problems are not just going away. But due to the difficult situations those people are tired and don't have the energy to work on the underlying issue. That's sadly alao often the case with health issues, especially mental health. Your situation might have caused a depression, but now that you have it, it won't just go away if the situation gets better. That's why the suicide rate of people after treatment is still so high, they focus on solving the cause, not realising that the following issues will still prevail. It's like having flood damage and expecting that it'll just vanish when the dam is repaired.
Kelly H. Wilder 1 year ago
That analogy really reverberates with me. Thank you for sharing it. I need to sit with it for a while. 🧘♀️
Load More Replies... Nitka Tsar 1 year ago
I wonder how this would sound from her perspective…. We don‘t see the whole picture. Yes she sounds bad, but…. remember all those stories, where someone dependent had to stay until they were safe financially, before they could leave? Could be this. We don‘t know. I‘m not saying it‘s like that here. This story just made me realize that we don‘t know all the details.
#40
He would not stop drinking. And he is a very mean drunk. I refused to put my kids or myself through that any more. He’s still drinking and I’ve got the kids. I know I chose right- my kids are awesome!
#41
Told me she was cheating and had the papers ready the literal second I got back home from burying my dad.
Missie 1 year ago
Condolences on losing you're father. You deserve better and will fine the right person for you.
Apatheist Account2 1 year ago
*your. My SIL waited until just after my mother died before divorcing my brother. Some won't do it while the parents are around, but wait until they're gone and you are more vulnerable.
Load More Replies... StrangeOne 1 year ago
That's cold. Frigid. Do people think they're somehow sophisticated and mature having affairs just because they feel that comfortable admitting it eventually? It just sounds like something out of a cheesy soap opera, like Young and The Restless.
Seanette Blaylock 1 year ago
The DAY of a parent's funeral she drops this bomb? BP's censors will not allow me to adequately express my vicarious rage at such cold cruelty.
Dread Pirate Roberts 1 year ago
I hope her new boy toy cheats on her in her most vulnerable moment.
Chelsea McKee 1 year ago
Classy. I can see the type of person she is from here and you're better off without her.
#42
Got married to my ex husband at 17 and was married for 20 years with 3 kids. He always had anger issues but after 10 years of marriage he started to become physically abusive to me although never in front of our kids.
I didn't leave bc the abuse was "borderline". He never punched me in the face or anything like that. He would push me down, grab me by the back of my hair, etc.
One day I'm laying in bed with our youngest who is 3 years old at the time. My ex comes rushing into the room, grabs me by my ankles and swiftly pulls me off the bed onto the ground. I had been laying on my stomach so when I landed on the floor my face smacked into the ground so I started crying hysterically.
My 3 year old was still on the bed and not only became hysterical as well but also ran to his dad and started attempting to punch him in effort to protect me. It was absolutely heart breaking.
I'm ashamed to say I didn't leave at that time. My son was 3 and I thought he would forget about the abuse he saw. My ex was always remorseful and agreed to start individual therapy as well as medication, which he did. The medication really seemed to be helping.
However, about 6 months later my 3 year old son randomly tells the story of seeing his dad attack me to my parents. This was the first time he ever mentioned it and I was really surprised he still remembered it. THAT was the last straw for me. When I realized my son was never going to forget what happened that day.
He's almost 9 now and he still remembers it.
Edit: Wow, you guys are so amazing! Thank you so much for all the love and support. I never had an ounce of support from anyone while the kids and I were going through this. I had made my parents aware of the abuse long before my son told them that story. My mom's words were, "I think you should just feel lucky you found someone who will tolerate you." And another time, "Well, since you're not really hurt I think calling the police would be dramatic. But you have always loved painting yourself as the victim." Even our marriage counselor never once took me aside and said, "OP, you need to get out of this marriage." He was insistent that we could manage our issues, abuse and all, successfully.
All of my kids and I did go to counseling. All the kids took the split really hard. My older son who was 15 at the time started self harming and using Xanax. I was extremely lucky to have gotten him into a great program. He spent 6 weeks in a mental health facility/rehab, followed up with therapy once he got home and still goes to therapy to this day. He is absolutely thriving now at 20 years old. All my kids seem very well adjusted at this point. I have been to therapy as well but actually have my first EMDR therapy session scheduled for next month.
As far as thinking my son would forget at 3 years old...I realize now that was an ignorant assumption to make. I myself have very early memories even before 3 years old but I was always under the impression that for males, memories typically started around the age of 5. It never occurred to me that being so traumatic it would obviously be stuck in his mind forever but now that it's been pointed out to me it makes perfect sense.
Thank you all so much for your positivity and compassion. Thank you for taking the time to comment and share your own stories.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
I am 42 and remember several abusive moments from ages 3-5. Don't think your kids won't understand what they're seeing/ forget. They might, but they might not and kids really DO blame themselves, even if they don't realize that's what they're doing.
Ryn 1 year ago
I’m 71 … you NEVER forget. It’s as fresh today as it was when it happened to us. Always better to leave and start over than subject yourself or your kids to abuse.
Load More Replies... Upstaged75 1 year ago
It's absolutely infuriating that her mom said those things! I wonder if she was abused too and thought it was normal? I'd have completely cut contact with her over it. And WTF is with that counselor? They should lose their license!
Kylie 1 year ago
Most likely that woman (I refuse to call her a mother) was the reason the OP was in an abusive relationship in the first place. It was what she knew already.
Load More Replies... Idgafwyt AllDat'N'ABagOfChips 1 year ago
I've never heard of the theory that boys can't remember things from before the age of 5? Even if the child didn't remember this one particular incident, you really don't want your children, especially boys, to grow up thinking it's okay for a man to beat on his woman. I'm glad they were all able to get out and are living a much better life. My ex-husband was also abusive, in all forms,physically, mentally, sexually, etc. We were together 10 years, the first 2 weren't bad, but once we got married, I realized he was not who I thought he was and things gradually got worse. It can be extremely hard to leave, especially when you have nothing, but I would rather have nothing than endure another minute of his abuse.
Jon Steensen 1 year ago
IT sounds like the mom and the "counselor" should be ditched as well. That sounds downright dangerous, and should not be tolerated or downplayed under any circumstance.
DarkViolet 1 year ago
"Family" is often the reason that murder-suicides still occur. There is at least one person who refuses to believe that abuse exists in the marriage. They want everything to look perfect to the outside world, and will often downplay acts of violence. They will even go so far as to blame the victim ("you should do more around the house," "try being more romantic/submissive," "oh come on, it's not THAT bad," "what did you do to get him angry?") Then, when the situation ends violently, it's "It was the Lord's will." (One woman actually said that about her granddaughter getting murdered by her BF, who then killed himself.) In those cases, cutting everyone out of your life is the only way to stay safe--and alive.
Chelsea McKee 1 year ago
This may not be what anyone wants to hear, but there are domestic abuse programs which work in conjunction with homeless facilities. If you for whatever reason can't go back to your parents or family you really need to try and see what local resources are available to you.
KillerKiwi 1 year ago
It’s so sad no one helped her. Especially the marriage counselor, because it’s literally their job
#43
I didn’t like his girlfriends.
Janine Hunt-Jackson 1 year ago
Friends who were female, or actual girlfriends? Not judging, just wanted clarification.
#44
Finding out that she had resigned to never be happy in the marriage (her words) and that she did not want to go to therapy to try to improve the relationship. Because she said “it doesn’t matter“. Oh, and then all the subsequent passive aggressiveness, stonewalling, and silent treatment. I went and got therapy for myself and figured out what I wanted. Turned out I wanted to get the f**k out.
seana lammers 1 year ago
Maybe she was depressed though. Sometimes you can just feel like nothing matters.
Emma S 1 year ago
She might have been depressed but it is her responsibility to seek help for that and not rely on someone else to make her happy. It doesn't mean the partner is expected to put up with abusive behaviour which then affects their mental health as well.
Load More Replies... Celtic Pirate Queen 1 year ago
Hahaha! My ex used to use "the silent treatment" on me. I could not have cared less. One time, after a week or so of me basically pretending he just wasn't there, he realized it had no effect on me. So he started talking to me & I continued to ignore him. That drove HIM crazy. I finally caved and while pretty much laughing at him, told him that not talking to me was a welcome relief from his overly insecure need for constant validation. That was the beginning of the end for me. I started distancing myself from him and when things finally came to a head I told him point blank I wanted a divorce. He was actually surprised and tried to back peddle like mad. But, I felt this enormous weight lift off of me and knew it was the right decision. I'm remarried to an actual grownup now & have never been happier.
#45
He was always jealous. I could understand it to an extent. Did my best to be the Good Little Wife. Then my place of employment closed up, right after we had moved to the middle of nowhere. Our closest neighbor was several miles away, an old lady with cats. He then lost his job! Good times! He routinely would accuse me of cheating on him. Never could get a coherent answer from him about with whom? how? when? He would flip his s**t when I pointed out he was right there with me all day every day. He would also tell me all the time that he loved me. And then one day, while we were sitting around doing nothing, for no reason, I decided to keep count. We were awake and in the same room for about 14 hours. He told me he loved me THIRTY-SEVEN TIMES. Maybe it was more, I was getting deaf to it by then. And of course if I didn't immediately shoot back "luv ya too" there would be huge scene. But yeah........I left and divorced man who told me too often that he loved me. Sounds petty as hell, but honestly, it was exhausting. He was like a jug with a hole in the bottom, there was nothing on earth that would fill him up.
Mrs. Ginger McSarcasm 1 year ago
Yeah, he was definitely cheating. Him constantly saying "I love you" was out of guilt.
Heffalump 1 year ago
No. I've done that and I definitely wasn't cheating. I was just _desperate_ for affection, and I wasn't getting any. I'm sure she felt she had good reasons why she couldn't give me any, but that didn't change the fact that I was starving for some evidence that I was lovable from the person in my life who was supposed to give it to me.
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Idgafwyt AllDat'N'ABagOfChips 1 year ago
My ex-husband is a cheater as well and he would constantly be up my àss. I would tell him I'm going to corner store to get something and he would always say, oh I'll go with you or I'll drive. Dude, no thanks, I just want 5 minutes to myself. When I was in school, I had a class that got out at 9pm. He called me at 9:18pm asking where I was because I should have been home by now, the college is 15 min away. Bro, I was talking to the professor about a couple questions I got wrong on a test after class. Just always super clingy and I hate that shìt, in hindsight I think it was because he was cheating and had the slightest bit of guilt.
Michelle Boden 1 year ago
I wouldn't assume he was cheating, but he is tiresome, immature and insecure, and is expecting you to fix it. Not to mention how unnattractive he has probably become because of his bottomless pit of neediness. I'd be exhausted, too.
Gina Ryan 1 year ago
You just described my first marriage. At first I thought it was a fairy tale come true, and I thought the jealousy was just a sign of how much he loved me. You couldn't have worded that experience better: "jug with a hole in the bottom, and there was nothing on earth that would fill him up". I found out after I left him that he had been cheating on me throughout our 15 year marriage.
Josey Griffin 1 year ago
Fully understand. I had a husband who would ask me every night, will we have sex tonight. Big big turnoff. I would say let it happen naturally, but the next night the same thing. He would call me names if i didnt have sex.
#46
Not me but one of my best mates got divorced. They'd been obviously unhappy for a while so it wasn't a complete surprise. I asked him exactly this question and he answered:
"She was out with a couple of male coworkers. I began wondering if she was f*****g them. Then I realised that I didn't even give a s**t if she was. That was when I knew....I felt absolutely nothing for her anymore, even the prospect of her f*****g other guys didn't hurt or upset me"
I guess that's different from most other stories here. There was no one Big Bang moment of abuse or threats or betrayal that stunned him into action. It was just a realisation that she no longer meant a thing to him.
Veronica Jean 1 year ago
My sociopathic boyfriend used to brag to me the girls be was meeting. I realized I was grateful to them for keeping him away from me for the day. That's when I knew
KillerKiwi 1 year ago
This is basically what happened with me and my ex. I knew I didn’t care if he cheated, I actually wanted him to, because I wanted out so bad but I didn’t want to hurt him.
#47
The kids were mine to raise and not his. One day I was in the postpartum trenches and just needed an hour to myself to shower for longer than 2 minutes, eat something and just relax without someone needing something. I told him how badly I needed a break. He said ok but then made some excuse to run an errand. 3 hours later he still wasn’t home and I found out from my SIL when I texted her to ask if she’d seen him (he was ignoring my calls) that him and his brother went golfing.
He would drive drunk all the time and was a momma’s boy with a totally evil and enmeshed mom who blamed me for everything, including her baby boy’s drunk driving (“well did you put your foot down and tell him not to? You need to make sure he doesn’t do that” UHH LADY IVE TRIED).
He came home from golf and I blew up. Ended up with me and the kids barricaded in our room while he was screaming outside the door. He kicked the door down and scared the s**t out of my babies. I caught a glimpse of us all in the full length mirror in our room and knew instantly this was done. The looks on my face and my little one’s faces as we were all huddled together on the bed looking up at this maniacal man who was screaming. He didn’t care how upsetting this was to our kids and that image of us in my brain just instantly killed our marriage. There was no going back.
No surprise here he hasn’t been the most present and involved father since the divorce but he gave me full custody of our kids and visits them consistently. He does love them and things have somewhat calmed down. I know he regrets his actions but he just has to live with them now. He has a girlfriend who looks eerily similar to me and still to this day hints that he’d like to reconcile lol.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
He's lucky you didn't call the police and that he even gets to see those kids.
#48
Him leaving with the mistress behind my back while I visited my parents for the holidays. Got a message from the guy watching my cats that a moving truck was in front of my house. He was supposed to be on a military assignment in another state. Nope. F*****g the woman in the next town over.
Idgafwyt AllDat'N'ABagOfChips 1 year ago
Sounds like you came out the winner in the end, sorry you had to endure all that bs, but good riddance. Hope you and your cats are living your best lives.
#49
He always found fault with anything I did, regardless of what I did or how I did it. As usual, this one night he went on a rampage again, screaming at me about something so insignificant that that light switch in my brain just went from ON to OFF. I never had a F**k Off Fund before, but at that specific time, my bonus that he had earmarked for another one of his projects, was still in my bank account, so I could bugger off. Best decision I ever made
Sonja 1 year ago
I don't have a f**k off fund, but I do have an emergency fund my husband knows about but has no access to. I took some money here and there to pay for things we needed but never so much that I had less than 3 months wages left on it. He does the same and also has an independent emergency fund. Our funeral director recommended that when we made arrangements in case one of us dies, so the other has time to grieve and doesn't have to be burdened with the fallout alone. She said it's useful in case that our shared funds get locked and it might take a while to sort things out if one of us dies. But if my husband switched from angel to devil from one day to the next, that would be a good safety net too.
ILoveMySon 1 year ago
Interesting and good advice. Thank you for sharing this.
Load More Replies... #50
Final straw was him being arrested for drunk driving and crashing into multiple parked vehicles. Definitely not the first time I’d had a call in the middle of the night from the police. There’s so much more to the story including infidelity and abuse.
bElLa sTairZz 1 year ago
the getting clls from the cops, infidelity, or abuse?
Load More Replies... #51
My ex Husband was discharged from the military very soon after he got diagnosed with BPD. Was rough move back to our home state, we were broke and he was spiralling pretty hard. He was refusing to take any medication or seek any form of treatment. I supported us solo for a few months until his family connections was able to hook him up with a job. After that we then had the money to move out of my parents house and get our own apartment. But his behavior was becoming erratic, sudden outbursts and mood swings of instead rational emotions. I knew he was not acting right but he wouldn't listen to me or let me help ( like set up appointments) so I just tried to keep the bills paid and everything running somewhat normal. I was rationalizing the abusive behavior as just symptoms of bad mental heath that could/should be endured. One day I'm off work and was at home cleaning when he calls me while driving home and demanded I drive to McDonald's and get him a diet coke. That's it. I asked him along the lines of "Um, ok? Why don't you just stop through the drive thru since you're already heading home?" And he f*****g lost It. He was screaming profanities on the phone for like a minute until I decided to just hang up and brace myself for the rampage he was going to unleash when he got home. Sure enough like 20 minutes later he comes screaming in- saying I'm a pathetic wife who can't do anything -, selfish, bitter a fat whore, etc. He's throwing clothes and other s**t in a gym bag and screams he's leaving- going to divorce my a*s and promptly disappears. I was in little bit of shock because while he was becoming unstable with his outbursts, he never went that extreme and he just threatened divorce. (We were married for like maybe a year a that point too) Well a few hours go by and he's still gone. I was trying to call - straight to voicemail. No response to texts. I reach out to his family members and friends-, no one has heard from him. I start driving to usual hangout spots, no sign of him. I'm getting more and more frantic, but his mom convinced me not to file missing persons just yet he's probably driving to cool down (she was well aware how much the diagnosis was messing with him but didn't want it getting back to his job) About 24 hour later, I'm freaking out and literally was getting ready to got to the police station and he just comes strolling in, drops the bag like nothing happened. I was dumbfounded - ask him if he was okay, where has he been and did he really want a divorce??? He looks me dead in the eye and said "No, I just wanted to make you cry" And that was the moment I knew I had to get out, it was over. It was like a rubber band snapped inside my chest and I felt absolutely nothing for him ever again. Why? Because never in my entire life have I ever wanted to hurt ANY of my love ones, let alone hurt them bad enough to make them cry! I knew then he didn't love me, and even though it killed me to leave while he was struggling with his mental health, I wasn't about to set myself on fire to keep him warm. I knew it would only escalate (and it did 😞) so I had to work more hours to build the funds and endure a few more months before I made a clean escape. But I did it. Divorce finalized a few years ago and I've moved on and am currently in a much healthier mental space and a better marriage. But it was over because of a McDonald's diet coke lol.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
This is a perfect example of the straw that broke everything. In this case it was a drinking straw but the metaphor still works. Glad you got out safely!
Sonja 1 year ago
If a person refuses therapy, wether it be physical or psychological, for a medically diagnosed problem, leave. There's no way you can help them if they can't accept they have a problem and they will soon start blaming you for their spiraling. It'll kill any chance of them seeing their problem and dealing with it. Leaving at that moment, without ultimatum, but with the clear message that you won't spend your life with someone who won't deal with their s**t, can even save the relationship. I'm not taking about a situation where the persons wants to get a second option or wants to try another way of dealing with the issue, I'm talking about situations like this, where the partner completely refuses doing anything to deal with their problems at all. No treatment whatsoever and not seeing another doctor or looking into alternatives. Those people will always start punishing their partners for being healthy and start despising them for being unable to just make the problem go away.
shankShaw deReemer 1 year ago
So sorry for your experience, but I love the epiphany you had with what you said: I wasn't going to set myself on fire to keep him warm. What a great analogy.
#52
He's always just said the craziest s**t and I always managed to explain it away. We had a family friend over, they were talking about the struggle of getting their master's degree while they had two small kids and their pregnant wife was on bedrest due to a high risk pregnancy. About trying to do their research and write their thesis while caring for everyone in their house and teaching classes, sleep deprived, exhausted. My husband , father of my kids, said "I know what you mean. One time my gaming laptop broke and I had to send it for repair, they told me it would take a week but I didn't get it back for more than 3 weeks." :( :( :( The friend did a spit take and was left gasping for air he was laughing so hard. That is not the worst thing my husband ever said while I was married to him. It's definitely not the worst thing he's said since we divorced. But it was the moment I realized there was something fundamentally wrong with him that would never be fixed.
Lunaofthenest (She/they) 1 year ago
I know they say the worst you've ever known is the worst you've ever known (basically, nobody can gatekeep trauma and pain) but THAT is ridiculous! Good riddance.
#53
When we went to a couples’ therapist it was a session in all about why I was a bad partner/I was the problem and didn’t show enough affection. When I explained it was because after making sure our kids were fed and ready with homework, had meals and clothes situated for the next day, the dishes were done, the laundry was folded and put away for all five of us, the cats were fed, the dog was taken care, the grocery shopping was done/put away, and the wine was chilled enough for her I lacked energy. The following week she didn’t wish me a happy Father’s Day and didn’t get me a gift “from” my kids, so that night we decided to call it quits.
#54
I stayed for way too long. We got married in college. When he couldn't keep a job, I decided to focus on a career where I'd have decent income. When we had kids, they were mine too raise, not his. When he had an affair, I told him I'd give it six months to see whether we could work it out. He spent those six months trying to convince me to sleep with someone else and have an open marriage (nothing against open marriage - its just not for me). I finally realized that it wasn't working. That was in 2009, and life is much better.
#55
When my ex-husband slamed my face into the dining room chair.
#56
He asked for DoorDash three days in a row. I said we don't have any money left - everything that's on my card is for bills that come out before I get paid next. We had food in the house - I would have even cooked for him if he'd asked. On the fourth day I left to do laundry at my parents house and almost immediately got a notification on my phone saying I spent money on doordash. The part that truly made me decide we were over is that while it *hurt* - I wasn't surprised. It was a single instance in a pattern of behavior that I'd gotten used to. There are so many other details I could add - but in the end what really mattered was that it had made me realize I was used to him harming our family for his convenience. It hasn't been very long since I kicked him out. It's all still pretty fresh. But I'm glad I did it. And he's given me no reason to look back.
#57
Couldn't get a job for a couple of months during covid. Finally managed to get a horrible one, but at least it was work. I come home a bit early from my FIRST night of work (I was working second shift), and my house is full of skeezy drunken people I have never met, my wife is literally passed out on the couch and my kids are hiding in their rooms. Their friend had walked the few miles home because the vibe was too weird at the 'Party'. I found out the next day that my wife was cheating on me with a guy who managed to leave before I got home. My wife and I were mid-40's at the time.
#58
His parents were married for years and fought ALL THE TIME. I realized that was going to be my life and decided it was too short to be fighting/miserable. We got divorced and are both remarried. We weren’t good with each other and much happier now. Not a crazy straw but just what happened.
Marie BellaDonna 1 year ago
Another good reason not to stay in an abusive relationship. If you have kids, those kids will see that, and think abuse is how you treat people you love. They will grow up to be abusers themselves, and their kids will see it, and so the vicious cycle continues.
#59
I grew up with parents who hated each other. My dad was dying and my mom refused to even visit him in hospice. I saw this and promised myself that I wouldn't stay with my husband anymore. My councillor convinced me that I made the decision out of grief so I stayed. Three months later, after 18 years of his abuse and infidelity, he accused me of cheating with a friend who was like a brother to me. I was done.
Marie BellaDonna 1 year ago
This! What the HÉLL is up with all these counselors who take the abusers' side?? Then again, maybe the abusers are just that good at manipulating people... Either way, it's sad...
Load More Replies... #60
He lost his job the week prior. That alone would have been fine. He instead pretended he hadn't lost his job and listed himself on a hook up site: $30 anything you want, must be safe as I am married. (Thanks fuckface.) He thought he could do that (he had no takers *surpriseee*) and put money into our account at a post office to dupe me. I of course wouldn't notice the odd amount of cash or the fact that it hadn't come from his employer. Anyway, hope he is enjoying life. Wherever he may be.
Idgafwyt AllDat'N'ABagOfChips 1 year ago
Dude loses his job and his first instinct is to try and be a male prostitute/gigolo. 🤣 I'm not laughing at OP and glad she left his àss but I find it hilarious that he legit thought this would work. OP never said anything about their sex life, which makes me think he wasn't great or even good in bed, yet he thought he could get women to actually pay him for it. He definitely has big balls, that are only getting bigger since she left him. 🤣
#61
There really was no single final straw. Alcohol was more important than me. Towards the end we would fight, make up, he would promise to change, and then the next day it was more of the same.
Idgafwyt AllDat'N'ABagOfChips 1 year ago
You eventually, hopefully, reach a breaking point and never look back
#62
Caught him kissing our daughter's nanny. (edit for clarity; the nanny was in her late 20's. Hubby and I were in our early 30's. We lived more than an hour outside of the city so hiring a live in nanny was the most economical and sensible way of having care for our infant daughter. )
#63
He'd already hit me and because I wasn't pretending I was happy about that he did the one thing I was hoping he'd do; threatened a divorce a 3rd time because he was an abusive a*****e. Left his a*s in the state we'd travelled to-no "acceptable level of unhappiness" for this b***h.
Hel 1 year ago
it’s basically “He hit me and threatened divorce because I wasn’t pretending to be happy with the relationship.”
Load More Replies... What do you think ?
Lee 1 year ago
Reading these stories on what is me and my partners 11th anniversary makes me realise how lucky we truly are.
Rocky 1 year ago
Opposite for me.. 10yrs in Jan. Bits and pieces are resonating badly..
Load More Replies... brittany 1 year ago
much like how the abuse had increased over time until it was overwhelming, so did the signs i was ready to say enough. the top 4 signs that pushed me to be done 1) he tried to force me to abort and if i didnt he was going to throw me and our two other kids out of the house. my MIL stepped in and said no, HE can leave as she owns the house. i kept the pregnancy and she is a beautiful healthy 3 year old 2) he told me i was going to die (ie he was going to kill me) if i didnt shut up one night when i was putting the kids to bed 3) made me drive to pharmacy the day after i got out of the hospital when i wasnt supposed to drive for at least two weeks to get my pain meds and 4) my daughter started telling me she was gonna build a house for us to be safe from him and that she would protect me. shes 6 years old. no child should ever be put in that position. that was the end. i'm working to get my ducks in a row and documenting everything to make sure he doesnt get custody. we are getting out.
Lola Donathan 1 year ago
god bless you. i am praying for you and hope the divorce goes well.
Load More Replies...
Dawnieangel76 1 year ago
Sometimes I get sad that I'm fat & ugly and can't find someone to love me. Then I read articles like this & realize how LUCKY I am.
April Dancer 1 year ago
Erm, babe, no. It's not just a fairy tale that there's someone for everyone, but writing yourself off as fat, ugly and unlovable is not helping you find them. Can I send you a virtual hug? You need to learn to love yourself first and foremost. Not as easy as it sounds, I know, but think about all the good things you've done. Smile at people, hold the door for them in shops, help your elderly neighbour put their bins out. This is an article about 50 people who got divorced, don't forget, I'm sure we could find enough people to counteract that. Not all relationships go wrong, I promise.
Load More Replies...
Mabelbabel 1 year ago
My ex used to work as a contractor in project management-he earned good money, but was lazy, so he regularly had gaps of 6 months or more between contracts. I was a junior doctor at the time, working about 60-70 hours a week, and doing on call and overnight shifts. I used to get home from work and he had done nothing all day-no housework, no cooking, nothing. He used to say that I was too particular about how the chores were done, so it was easier for me just to do them all (example-if he did the washing up, he'd leave the dirty water in the sink along with a couple of spoons and not bother wiping down the counters, he always left chores half-done). One evening I got home about 8pm, absolutely exhausted and he said he hadn't cooked me anything because he didn't know what I wanted, and he knew I enjoyed cooking so he'd left it to me, but I didn't need to worry about him, he'd already eaten. That was it, the moment I realised I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore.
Tobias Reaper 1 year ago
not me but my best friend she was with her partner for 7 years and had a kid together whenever she tried to talk to him about her feelings he would get angry and walk away and accuse her or complaining he was lazy and wouldn't help her with anything unless asked never do anything om his own initiative. When they would argue he would call her a piece of s**t or r-tard. She told me the last straw was when she was talking to him and she said she deserved to be loved and deserved to be happy he laughed in her face she broke up with and kicked him out and is now in a much better place without him
garry hill 4 months ago
HOW I SAVED MY RELATIONSHIP IN JUST 24 HOURS...CONTACT THE SPELL CASTER VIA THE WHATSAPP +2347071347485 EMAIL: {drituasteven@gmail. com} I was on the verge of losing everything…until I turned to spiritual help .I loved my husband deeply but out of nowhere he grew cold, distant and uninterested in our marriage. We were drifting apart fast and divorce seemed inevitable no matter what I did nothing worked. My heart was shattered but something inside me said: This love is worth fighting for. Then the truth came to light: A woman from his workplace had used dark voodoo to pull him away from me. She was spiritually manipulating him and I had no idea. That’s when I discovered Dr. Itua is a powerful and genuine spell caster who changed everything. Within 24 hours of contacting him Dr. Itua reversed the evil spell. My husband came back to me loving, attentive, loyal and completely obsessed. He now cherishes me, respects me and shows me affection like never before and the other woman? Her infl
Lee 1 year ago
Reading these stories on what is me and my partners 11th anniversary makes me realise how lucky we truly are.
Rocky 1 year ago
Opposite for me.. 10yrs in Jan. Bits and pieces are resonating badly..
Load More Replies... brittany 1 year ago
much like how the abuse had increased over time until it was overwhelming, so did the signs i was ready to say enough. the top 4 signs that pushed me to be done 1) he tried to force me to abort and if i didnt he was going to throw me and our two other kids out of the house. my MIL stepped in and said no, HE can leave as she owns the house. i kept the pregnancy and she is a beautiful healthy 3 year old 2) he told me i was going to die (ie he was going to kill me) if i didnt shut up one night when i was putting the kids to bed 3) made me drive to pharmacy the day after i got out of the hospital when i wasnt supposed to drive for at least two weeks to get my pain meds and 4) my daughter started telling me she was gonna build a house for us to be safe from him and that she would protect me. shes 6 years old. no child should ever be put in that position. that was the end. i'm working to get my ducks in a row and documenting everything to make sure he doesnt get custody. we are getting out.
Lola Donathan 1 year ago
god bless you. i am praying for you and hope the divorce goes well.
Load More Replies... Dawnieangel76 1 year ago
Sometimes I get sad that I'm fat & ugly and can't find someone to love me. Then I read articles like this & realize how LUCKY I am.
April Dancer 1 year ago
Erm, babe, no. It's not just a fairy tale that there's someone for everyone, but writing yourself off as fat, ugly and unlovable is not helping you find them. Can I send you a virtual hug? You need to learn to love yourself first and foremost. Not as easy as it sounds, I know, but think about all the good things you've done. Smile at people, hold the door for them in shops, help your elderly neighbour put their bins out. This is an article about 50 people who got divorced, don't forget, I'm sure we could find enough people to counteract that. Not all relationships go wrong, I promise.
Load More Replies... Mabelbabel 1 year ago
My ex used to work as a contractor in project management-he earned good money, but was lazy, so he regularly had gaps of 6 months or more between contracts. I was a junior doctor at the time, working about 60-70 hours a week, and doing on call and overnight shifts. I used to get home from work and he had done nothing all day-no housework, no cooking, nothing. He used to say that I was too particular about how the chores were done, so it was easier for me just to do them all (example-if he did the washing up, he'd leave the dirty water in the sink along with a couple of spoons and not bother wiping down the counters, he always left chores half-done). One evening I got home about 8pm, absolutely exhausted and he said he hadn't cooked me anything because he didn't know what I wanted, and he knew I enjoyed cooking so he'd left it to me, but I didn't need to worry about him, he'd already eaten. That was it, the moment I realised I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore.
Tobias Reaper 1 year ago
not me but my best friend she was with her partner for 7 years and had a kid together whenever she tried to talk to him about her feelings he would get angry and walk away and accuse her or complaining he was lazy and wouldn't help her with anything unless asked never do anything om his own initiative. When they would argue he would call her a piece of s**t or r-tard. She told me the last straw was when she was talking to him and she said she deserved to be loved and deserved to be happy he laughed in her face she broke up with and kicked him out and is now in a much better place without him
garry hill 4 months ago
HOW I SAVED MY RELATIONSHIP IN JUST 24 HOURS...CONTACT THE SPELL CASTER VIA THE WHATSAPP +2347071347485 EMAIL: {drituasteven@gmail. com} I was on the verge of losing everything…until I turned to spiritual help .I loved my husband deeply but out of nowhere he grew cold, distant and uninterested in our marriage. We were drifting apart fast and divorce seemed inevitable no matter what I did nothing worked. My heart was shattered but something inside me said: This love is worth fighting for. Then the truth came to light: A woman from his workplace had used dark voodoo to pull him away from me. She was spiritually manipulating him and I had no idea. That’s when I discovered Dr. Itua is a powerful and genuine spell caster who changed everything. Within 24 hours of contacting him Dr. Itua reversed the evil spell. My husband came back to me loving, attentive, loyal and completely obsessed. He now cherishes me, respects me and shows me affection like never before and the other woman? Her infl
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