“She Threw A Fit”: Dad Tells 12-Year-Old She’ll Have To Give Up Her Room And Move In With A 4-Year-Old, Looks For Validation Online But Gets Called Out Instead
Many remarriages create blended families, and the children involved are thrown into a world of “steps” – stepmothers, stepfathers, step-siblings, and step-grandparents. As of 2019, more than 3.9 million kids lived in households with stepparents in the United States.
Once uncommon in American culture, 7% of kids are now part of blended families. And their parents sometimes struggle just as much as the children themselves when navigating this dynamic.
Father and Reddit user AdeptPromise9890 posted a story to the platform’s ‘Am I the [Jerk]?’ community, seeking opinions on how he rearranged his household’s living situation. However, many believed that he should have given more thought to his decisions, as his daughter from his previous marriage ended up at a disadvantage.
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual image)
Image credits: Kenny Eliason (not the actual image)
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual image)
Image credits: AdeptPromise9890
Image credits: cottonbro studio
You can definitely understand the 12-year-old’s frustration. As kids grow up, they want more privacy. Experts recommended that children over the age of 10 should have their own bedrooms – even if they have siblings or step-siblings.
Some places even have legislation stating that children of the opposite sex over the age of 10 should not share rooms and that this can be considered overcrowding.
Image credits: Julia M Cameron
As teenagers grow up, they seek more responsibility and independence. They want to be trusted to do more than they did when they were younger and they want to be thought of as mature. They also want their opinions and desires to be respected.
“Privacy and trust link back to attachment,” said Angela Lamson, Ph.D., LMFT, who is a family therapist in Greenville, North Carolina, and human development and family science professor at East Carolina University. Giving teens space and privacy lets them feel trusted, as well as capable, independent, and self-assured. It shows them that you are confident with their judgment, intentions, decision-making, and ability to follow your rules.
On the other hand, when teens believe their privacy has been invaded, the result is often more conflict at home.
Image credits: Josue Michel
It’s hard enough for a child to compete with siblings. When it’s step-siblings that they’re not entirely comfortable with yet, the problem can magnify.
When the number of children increases, as it frequently does in blended families, one or all the kids might feel like they’re not getting the attention that they’re used to.
But as with many other issues, this problem can be resolved by working together as a family. While we don’t have the full picture, it sounds like the author of the Reddit post might need to spend more time listening to his kids, trying to understand their needs.
According to Mallory Williams, LCSW, there are serious long-term effects to growing up in a household of parental favoritism.
“The biggest long-term dangers are depression, anxiety, unstable or even traumatic reactions in personal relationships, and performance anxiety for both the favored and non-favored children,” she said.
“The non-favored child will experience low self-worth and value, feelings of rejection and inadequacy, and a sort of ‘giving up’ due to feeling like they can never be worthy of the same attention, love, and affection that the favored child receives. This often has long-term implications on their performance on jobs, in school, and in interpersonal relationships, as the parenting relationship sets the foundation and expectations of future relationships.”
Let’s hope these folks will find a way to make everyone happy.
Most of the people who read the man’s story thought that he was the jerk in this situation
But a few people didn’t see any problems with his plan
If you don't have space for all your kids, don't have so many kids. WTF is wrong with people? All the rooms in your house are full but you're ****ing out another one? And the one who's already having the hardest time gets screwed?
Yes!! Spot on.
I’m wildly confused by this level of hostility against parents with many children. The culture differences are most likely to blame why I’m so surprised. Should they have like a 6 bedroom house, or they have no right to have a 4th child and have their elderly and sick MIL live with them? Should they ask their daughter if they can have the 4th child? In my opinion it is not too much to ask the kid who stays there only 7 weeks a year to make some adjustments. The adjustments should be handled delicately, because she can easily feel left out because of the family situation. I think she maybe already feels like the odd one out because she stays in her room so much. Personally I think it’s best to move in the boys together and keep the baby with the parents until they're at least 2-3. But after that the same thing will arise again: where to put the toddler? The daughter is then maybe 15. Keep the toddler in daughters room 45 weeks a year and 7 weeks in parents room, maybe.
I can't help but wonder if there is some hostility from the ex as well, and it's poisoning the daughter. The fact she's in her room almost the whole time would suggest this is at least possible. If the MIL was staying short term I'd be saying move the daughter in with one of the younger kids since she's only there a short time as well. With the MIL staying permanently, I'd probably look to giving the daughter a room and putting the two boys together. MIL would get the room with the ensuite, so the daughter would be kicked out of that, but would at least have her own room. With a little luck, by the time the little ones are becoming too big to share a room the daughter will be old enough she won't be living there anymore as well.
You realize, in many places, all over the world, and even in the US, lots of children don't have their own rooms?
This is a short sited and incredibly rude statement. It just screams I’m judging you for your life. OP is asking for HELP. And all you’re folding out is judgement. Give yourself a pat on the back. Now YTA. In my opinion 4yr old should move to brothers room when sister comes to visit. It just isn’t appropriate for a girl her age to be sharing her room with a male sibling that young.
Also, the boys will fight no matter what and being in close quarters will help them develop problem solving skills by being in close contact. Sharing a room will force them to work things out albeit not in the way parents might enjoy. Siblings argue - it’s just a fact.
It's their business how many kids they have. However there is a simpler solution to the problem. Put the two boys 2 and 4 in a room together.
If it's their business then why did she go on reddit and make it public? Your argument is moot.
It's moot on steroids. As for Ambry's suggestion that they put the two boys in the same room, that's exactly what they ought to do and it was almost unambiguously suggested by everyone. As for "it's their business how many kids they have," they made it out business by going on a public platform and soliciting our opinions
They're selfish people pushing the 12 year old out of her room. You can't afford that many kids don't have that many kids. Not the girls fault they were too stupid to use birth control AND condoms.
How is it too ma y kids to have kids sharing a room? That's not even close to too many
My exact thought.
Not all kids are planned? Should they have an abortion because it'd inconvenience their daughter? It's not like they are asking her to help raise their other kids. Not every family is the same and people need to understand that.
I don’t understand why you were downvoted. If this story is from US, this is more than relevant question, as not in every state can you get an abortion for social reasons (or abortion at all) anymore. Birth control is never 100%.
Not that many years ago, kids would have a drawer to sleep in. And they build the world as it is now. ou're all a bunch of spoiled pussy's
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There's more than enough space. What are you talking about. There's enough space to have a separate office 45 weeks a year. Divorce sucks, but being part of a family is not being entitled to a certain amount of square meters. If she is in her room for most of the time, why be there and not just at home with mom anyway? Of she's not constantly there, it's no problem to make more temporary arrangements for when she's there.
So you're saying your daughter isn't really part of your family. Got it.
Idiotic. If I was the 14 year old I’d be pissed. Why can’t the brothers share a damn room
Pissed? I'd be gone. She's with her mom most of the year, and now that her dad has clearly demonstrated that she's a burden and has no place in his new family, I doubt she'll be using that bedroom anymore.
Plus, apparently she spends a lot of her time in the room when she's there. That tells me the father isn't engaging with her enough. If I were the daughter I'd be so hurt by this. His lack of attunement to her will affect her self esteem and her romantic relationships when she's older.
Having her share a room when she's only there 7 weeks out of the year is hardly saying she's a burden and has no place in the family. That's a bit dramatic. Like the videos where people say so n so said they don't love them any longer and the person says from off camera all they said was they couldn't have an entire cake for dinner, or whatever.
What I read out of this is is that he is actually a loving father doing his best for a daughter who has the saying over 2 households.. or a daughter brainwashed by her jealous mother who really likes to see him fail. Teaching her daughter a lack of respect and love, telling her the world ows her. If they let her behave and talk like that i can assure you she becomes not worthy of a ring in life
So put the boys together and the 12yo room can sit empty 45 weeks out of the year? Perfect.
My brother had to share with my two year old brother at the same age bc they were the boys. And he didn't throw a fit although it was definitely not an ideal arrangement for him. Everyone on this thread has daddy issues
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Why should the 14 year old get a shrine that is sealed off and not used for 45 or so weeks out of the year?
So were you an only child, or were you the youngest? Or have you just never interacted with a 14-year-old girl?
I think you forgot to ask V another question: are your parents still together or do you know how it feels to be replaced by three kids and a grandma while your dad stopped caring about your mom and her side of the family after he got his dïck wet? It's not a shrine, it's the straw that turned a house into a home. 14 is hitting puberty, needs her father and I don't know how much attention dad gives to 14 but I'm sure it comes after his new wife, 4, 2 and his new baby.
Meh. You and SBB extrapolated an entire world that fits the story you want to tell about OP and me based on what amounts to zero information about either one of us and neither of you even tried to address the question as to why this girl who is only at the house for a very few weeks per year should get her own room that nobody else can use. Hell, my comment isn't even about her having privacy while she's there but that's the only thing you can bring yourselves to attack me on.
I agree. someone who only lives there a small part of the year doesn't need a full-time available room.
They do if there is a huge age gap, they hit puberty and are the different gender. She couldn't even stay up late because she would wake the 4YO or have breakable stuff.
They do while they are there...If you hardly ever got to see one of your children wouldn't you want to make them feel comfortable and welcome when they do come to see you? I understand where op is coming from but this kid is gonna stop visiting all together. Why can't the little boys share a room a few weeks a year.
They ought to share it year round, otherwise they'll have trouble sleeping since they have to share a space when they're on vacation they have trouble sleeping. Get 'em used to it, OP.
The room she currently uses is the office. Not solely for her use. And she deserves privacy when she is there. So, they should put all the tiny boys together for the few weeks she's there rather than putting her with one of the babies
It is used as OP's office. And have you not had extensive interaction with an adolescent girl??
If you don't have space for all your kids, don't have so many kids. WTF is wrong with people? All the rooms in your house are full but you're ****ing out another one? And the one who's already having the hardest time gets screwed?
Yes!! Spot on.
I’m wildly confused by this level of hostility against parents with many children. The culture differences are most likely to blame why I’m so surprised. Should they have like a 6 bedroom house, or they have no right to have a 4th child and have their elderly and sick MIL live with them? Should they ask their daughter if they can have the 4th child? In my opinion it is not too much to ask the kid who stays there only 7 weeks a year to make some adjustments. The adjustments should be handled delicately, because she can easily feel left out because of the family situation. I think she maybe already feels like the odd one out because she stays in her room so much. Personally I think it’s best to move in the boys together and keep the baby with the parents until they're at least 2-3. But after that the same thing will arise again: where to put the toddler? The daughter is then maybe 15. Keep the toddler in daughters room 45 weeks a year and 7 weeks in parents room, maybe.
I can't help but wonder if there is some hostility from the ex as well, and it's poisoning the daughter. The fact she's in her room almost the whole time would suggest this is at least possible. If the MIL was staying short term I'd be saying move the daughter in with one of the younger kids since she's only there a short time as well. With the MIL staying permanently, I'd probably look to giving the daughter a room and putting the two boys together. MIL would get the room with the ensuite, so the daughter would be kicked out of that, but would at least have her own room. With a little luck, by the time the little ones are becoming too big to share a room the daughter will be old enough she won't be living there anymore as well.
You realize, in many places, all over the world, and even in the US, lots of children don't have their own rooms?
This is a short sited and incredibly rude statement. It just screams I’m judging you for your life. OP is asking for HELP. And all you’re folding out is judgement. Give yourself a pat on the back. Now YTA. In my opinion 4yr old should move to brothers room when sister comes to visit. It just isn’t appropriate for a girl her age to be sharing her room with a male sibling that young.
Also, the boys will fight no matter what and being in close quarters will help them develop problem solving skills by being in close contact. Sharing a room will force them to work things out albeit not in the way parents might enjoy. Siblings argue - it’s just a fact.
It's their business how many kids they have. However there is a simpler solution to the problem. Put the two boys 2 and 4 in a room together.
If it's their business then why did she go on reddit and make it public? Your argument is moot.
It's moot on steroids. As for Ambry's suggestion that they put the two boys in the same room, that's exactly what they ought to do and it was almost unambiguously suggested by everyone. As for "it's their business how many kids they have," they made it out business by going on a public platform and soliciting our opinions
They're selfish people pushing the 12 year old out of her room. You can't afford that many kids don't have that many kids. Not the girls fault they were too stupid to use birth control AND condoms.
How is it too ma y kids to have kids sharing a room? That's not even close to too many
My exact thought.
Not all kids are planned? Should they have an abortion because it'd inconvenience their daughter? It's not like they are asking her to help raise their other kids. Not every family is the same and people need to understand that.
I don’t understand why you were downvoted. If this story is from US, this is more than relevant question, as not in every state can you get an abortion for social reasons (or abortion at all) anymore. Birth control is never 100%.
Not that many years ago, kids would have a drawer to sleep in. And they build the world as it is now. ou're all a bunch of spoiled pussy's
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
There's more than enough space. What are you talking about. There's enough space to have a separate office 45 weeks a year. Divorce sucks, but being part of a family is not being entitled to a certain amount of square meters. If she is in her room for most of the time, why be there and not just at home with mom anyway? Of she's not constantly there, it's no problem to make more temporary arrangements for when she's there.
So you're saying your daughter isn't really part of your family. Got it.
Idiotic. If I was the 14 year old I’d be pissed. Why can’t the brothers share a damn room
Pissed? I'd be gone. She's with her mom most of the year, and now that her dad has clearly demonstrated that she's a burden and has no place in his new family, I doubt she'll be using that bedroom anymore.
Plus, apparently she spends a lot of her time in the room when she's there. That tells me the father isn't engaging with her enough. If I were the daughter I'd be so hurt by this. His lack of attunement to her will affect her self esteem and her romantic relationships when she's older.
Having her share a room when she's only there 7 weeks out of the year is hardly saying she's a burden and has no place in the family. That's a bit dramatic. Like the videos where people say so n so said they don't love them any longer and the person says from off camera all they said was they couldn't have an entire cake for dinner, or whatever.
What I read out of this is is that he is actually a loving father doing his best for a daughter who has the saying over 2 households.. or a daughter brainwashed by her jealous mother who really likes to see him fail. Teaching her daughter a lack of respect and love, telling her the world ows her. If they let her behave and talk like that i can assure you she becomes not worthy of a ring in life
So put the boys together and the 12yo room can sit empty 45 weeks out of the year? Perfect.
My brother had to share with my two year old brother at the same age bc they were the boys. And he didn't throw a fit although it was definitely not an ideal arrangement for him. Everyone on this thread has daddy issues
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Why should the 14 year old get a shrine that is sealed off and not used for 45 or so weeks out of the year?
So were you an only child, or were you the youngest? Or have you just never interacted with a 14-year-old girl?
I think you forgot to ask V another question: are your parents still together or do you know how it feels to be replaced by three kids and a grandma while your dad stopped caring about your mom and her side of the family after he got his dïck wet? It's not a shrine, it's the straw that turned a house into a home. 14 is hitting puberty, needs her father and I don't know how much attention dad gives to 14 but I'm sure it comes after his new wife, 4, 2 and his new baby.
Meh. You and SBB extrapolated an entire world that fits the story you want to tell about OP and me based on what amounts to zero information about either one of us and neither of you even tried to address the question as to why this girl who is only at the house for a very few weeks per year should get her own room that nobody else can use. Hell, my comment isn't even about her having privacy while she's there but that's the only thing you can bring yourselves to attack me on.
I agree. someone who only lives there a small part of the year doesn't need a full-time available room.
They do if there is a huge age gap, they hit puberty and are the different gender. She couldn't even stay up late because she would wake the 4YO or have breakable stuff.
They do while they are there...If you hardly ever got to see one of your children wouldn't you want to make them feel comfortable and welcome when they do come to see you? I understand where op is coming from but this kid is gonna stop visiting all together. Why can't the little boys share a room a few weeks a year.
They ought to share it year round, otherwise they'll have trouble sleeping since they have to share a space when they're on vacation they have trouble sleeping. Get 'em used to it, OP.
The room she currently uses is the office. Not solely for her use. And she deserves privacy when she is there. So, they should put all the tiny boys together for the few weeks she's there rather than putting her with one of the babies
It is used as OP's office. And have you not had extensive interaction with an adolescent girl??