“Don’t Come Home”: Intense Drama Breaks Out Online, Leading To Couple’s Divorce
Interview
Every now and again, there’s a crazy story that unfolds online. This time, it’s a husband and wife of 10 years going back and forth on Reddit. The trigger for this family drama is the wife’s father who was financially struggling. The woman wanted to move him into the basement of the family home, but the husband refused, claiming the space was his.
The husband, before deactivating his account, recounted this story right before New Year’s Eve on the r/RelationshipAdvice subreddit. In a surprise twist of events, the wife came to the comments to give her two cents and revealed some not-so-nice things about the husband. This was a day after she made a separate post on the r/TrueOffMyChest community. The update included the aftermath of their argument and some more behind the scenes of their marriage.
The wife u/Angra-Momyu agreed to have a short chat with Bored Panda. The Redditor was kind enough to tell us more about how the girls are doing and if she had any advice for people in similar situations. Read our chat with her below!
Buckle up, pandas, for this is one wild family drama we’re about to embark on
Image credits: nd3000 (not the actual image)
The story started with the husband asking for advice about his FIL moving in
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages (not the actual image)
Image credits: [deleted]
Image credits: EkaterinaPereslavtseva (not the actual image)
The wife saw her husband’s post and decided to roast him in the comments
Image credits: Grand-Muffin409
Here are some reactions and advice from commenters
A day later, the wife posted an update on another subreddit and said the divorce is happening
Image credits: Kampus Production (not the actual image)
Image credits: Angra-Momyu
The OP told Bored Panda how the family is holding up and offered some advice
We were lucky to get in touch with the wife in this story, aka Angra-Momyu. We were curious to know what inspired the woman to post in the r/TrueOffMyChest community. The woman says that her main driving force was rage. “Sheer rage,” she clarifies.
“I was already angry with him about his insistence to send my dad to my aunt’s place, but then to be sent this Reddit post where he misrepresented what the argument was about, I just lost it,” the woman tells Bored Panda.
Although the situation seems pretty dire, the OP has some positive updates. “Everyone is holding up pretty well,” she says when we ask how the girls and the dad are doing. “My dad is sad for me that the marriage has broken down this badly and feels responsible. I assured him it isn’t his fault.”
And what about the girls? “The girls are doing great! I told the girls Daddy and I were not going to be married anymore and that Daddy won’t be living with us anymore. It doesn’t seem to bother them that much,” the Redditor says. “Truth is not much will really change in their lives. He was barely around anyway and never had much of an active role in their lives,” the mom adds.
Angra-Momyu also has some sage advice. “Don’t stay in a loveless marriage. Don’t stay for the kids. One thing I’m seeing with my kids is that they aren’t bothered by the divorce. In the end, it’s going to be better for them to have a peaceful household,” the netizen believes.
It’s important to differentiate between narcissism as part of someone’s personality and narcissism as a personality disorder
People in the comments under the wife’s update started speculating whether the husband could be a narcissist. She even commented: “God knows when he gets together with his surgeon friends, it’s a gathering of the most self-important narcissists I’ve ever seen.”
That’s a pretty wild generalization to label a whole profession. However, if they know what counts as narcissistic behavior, people might abstain from throwing such serious accusations around.
Keep in mind that just as with any other condition, only mental health professionals can diagnose NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). With that said, let’s see what mental health experts online have to say about it.
Loren Soeiro, Ph.D., a New York-based psychologist notes that people should not mistake narcissism with self-centeredness, which is common. That’s not to say that narcissism isn’t rare. “Everyone has narcissistic needs,” Soeiro writes in a blog post for Psychology Today. “Which is another way of saying that every person needs to be appreciated for their good qualities by the important people in their lives.”
Clinical narcissism, on the other hand, is far more nuanced. “Most narcissists lack empathy, and their behavior is dominated by efforts to meet their own deep need for validation,” Soeiro goes on. “They may hurt people with their words or their actions, but without knowing they’ve done so, as they don’t possess the empathy necessary to really feel others’ pain.”
The three most common types of narcissists
Clinical psychologist and author of A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas Monica Vermani, PsyD, described three common types of narcissism: covert, overt, and malignant. Covert narcissism is the most common, Vermani told Oprah Daily.
These people tend to internalize criticism and take it more harshly than the person intended. Annie Wright LMFT describes covert narcissists as people who “often portray themselves as introverted, shy, or even selfless individuals when in reality, their motivations are deeply rooted in an ardent desire for admiration, attention, and control within their relationships.”
Overt narcissism stands at the other end of the spectrum from covert narcissism. Psychoanalyst Laurie Hollman, PhD, writes that overt narcissism includes traits of self-importance and lack of empathy. “Overt narcissists often exaggerate their achievements, expect special treatment, and take advantage of others for personal gain,” Hollman writes. “Others may perceive them as successful, but anxiety and low self-esteem lie beneath their false facades.”
Malignant narcissism is the most severe, mental health experts say. Elizabeth Scott, PhD, writes for Very Well Mind that malignant narcissists can be manipulative and don’t care about hurting others as long as it serves them.
“People with this subtype contain the general traits of NPD, including regular egocentricity. They also have antisocial traits and even a sadistic streak, as well as a poor sense of self and lack of empathy,” the expert writes.
Carder Stout, PhD, a Los Angeles-based psychologist also noted that narcissism as a personality disorder is rare. “We all have narcissistic tendencies – self-centeredness, vanity, belief that we are in the right – but to possess the qualities of a diagnosable narcissist is rare.”
Commenters offered support and advice for the wife
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I thought he was being a jerk from reading just his initial post. Reading the rest just reinforced it.
Wife didn't fail. Husband did with blinders on. A 7 bedroom house thou and wanting his basement was a bit strange. He could have taken two rooms for a bedroom and a living room. A shed out back? I'm thinking that hubs didn't want fil so close incase his gf (if he did/does have one) happened to call or text him and got caught. Yes doctors work a lot and work parties for donations to hospitals are common w surgeons. But not finding comfort in home and his wife and own children is very odd. So good. Divorce away. He checked out a seeming while ago. And your dad has a heart of gold for all he's been through to stand by your side. Treat him well. And mend with your parents too.
The saddest part is he was willing to separate his children from a Grandfather who's been a very regular staple in their lives.
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I would give up my bedroom and sleep on the sofa. Heck, I'd sleep on the floor, if it meant my father-in-law could be here. He was a good man, I loved him, and since he passed away, I miss him often. He was a good grandpa to our kids, a great role model, for me as much as for them. I know as I get older I have to let people go. I can't keep them, and I'm glad he didn't have to suffer long from his illness, but I miss him. I'm a better person for having known him.
I'm so glad the children have their grandfather in their lives! Sounds like he's more of a father to the kids than their actual father. Also if you're on the father's side, just reread his last paragraph. He calls the woman he married and had children with a "shallow vapid woman who decorates houses while (husband) saves lives." That should tell you right there what kind of a person he is.
Her trying to keep the marriage together because she didn't want her kids to go through what she went through as a child of divorce is very common. Sadly, the kids go through worse when a broken marriage is dragged out too long. Glad it's finally over
I can totally understand not wanting an inlaw to move in permenantly, but there would have been a range of compromises available: "until we can build an in-law suite/he finds another place/we can help support him/why don't we pay him for all the childcare assistance he does so we don't need a nanny - the extra money will let him keep his independence". There were probrably many options other than "Wahhh my mancave, send him to live on the other side of the country." The wife is well out of it.
So the husband sincerely expected to find support to force his FIL to move across the country, which is no where near as viable a thing as he claims. And then when he doesn't find that support seems to believe showing the utmost disrespect towards her, calling her vapid and worse, would somehow fix the problem. I'm so glad the wife found it and reacted appropriately and without hesitation. Mr Surgeon is going to live a miserable, lonely life. Good.
That's the thing with reddit. The readers get a myopic view of the problem being described, then make a "judgment" based on that. You typically don't need X-ray glasses to see that there's LOTS of missing info, but it's reddit. They can/will diagnose your illnesses both physical and mental, and they do family counseling on the side. This guy was a peach. He stunk to high heaven after the first paragraph even if the wife didn't find it and level things out. In the end, he getting what he deserves.
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I wasn't expecting a clap back, but GOD was that a rollercoaster. Divorce the a** for sure not worth it, if anyone's in a situation like this I know it may be hard to leave but in the end you have to worry about you and your children if both parents aren't doing that then it's not something you should stay in.
Even before the update, this guy was the a*****e. That was confirmed by him saying "SHE's ready to throw away her marriage over this" and "who contributed more to humanity?" Yeah, she's the one in the wrong by putting her father, even temporarily, over a space in the house. 🙄 Obviously that was all completely confirmed with the updates and the (ex-)wife's elaborating.
If this was a movie, the woman's mother and father would be drawn closer by supporting their daughter through the divorce and end up getting back together. Sorry. The drama of this post has got to me. I'll stop now.
It does have the makings of a good movie. It’d probably be made by Hallmark too. lol
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The difference between God and a surgeon? God knows he's not a surgeon.
The wife said that she failed, but I don’t think that’s true. She had two awesome daughters, recognized that she was in a bad situation got herself out of a crappy marriage, and is doing what’s best for her family that really matters. It probably sucks for her right now, but I hope she’ll be able to be completely happy with her choice and move on without that jerk.
That broke my heart. She truly feels like she failed her family. When she couldn’t be more a hero if she tried
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Stay with me here. Maybe, just maybe, the FIL should move across the country to live with/near his sister. The wife will probably get enough out of the divorce to buy a house out there and move the four of them (FIL, girls and herself) out there and live quite comfortably on the alimony and child support she'll be awarded. That way FIL can be with sister, his daughter and his granddaughters all without having to pack a suitcase, then girls will grow up not having to be disappointed by their father on a daily basis.
I gave the OP some benefit of the doubt until I got to his complaint that the wife was a "spoiled princess" who didn't have to work yet somehow insisted upon having a job. Uh... That doesn't add up. When someone starts in with the insults and the disparagement doesn't make sense, you know that their argument is based on quicksand.
Beyond the story itself, this is great example of the issues with using things like AITAH to get advice. You are only getting half the story. And sometimes that half that is left off is way bigger than expected. Whether on Reddit or BP (Reddit lite), stories like this always have another side. And sometimes (often ?), that other side is huge. Lesson learned.
The dude was absolutely having a meltdown at the end of his post. Real mature. Definitely the type of guy you want slicing you open on the operating table.
Whatever of this is false testimony or not, the fact that the husband is calling her names on Reddit, is enough for him to be the AH
That arrogant dîckwad is not a doctor I would ever want involved in my care as a patient, I don't care how good his hands are.
OP's wife + kids are better off without him. The kids KNOW grandpa loves them. Not so sure about dad, however... Very sad.
For the record, it is entirely possible that design work does more to make life meaningful and purposeful, safer and more cost-effective, hence makes the world a better place- more than the surgeon does. Lots and lots of unnecessary surgeries out there. Mire of us need a well designed home than need surgery.
I worked for Dr's for 30 years. I know exactly which kind this guy is. The "out saving lives" remark really proved it. These people think they are one step below gawd and can do no wrong. They treat their people terribly, a tiny bit above minimum wage, uses their name to get people to grovel for them and has no idea how real life works. You're subservient to them 24/7, no matter what your job is. Thank goodness she's getting him out of her children's lives and bringing a good man in to their lives.
Dads like the wife's are *gold*. I'd pick a dad like hers over her hubs any day of the week!
"my basement" "who's side you guys are on" those are just the start of the, clearly a jerk. Like, he admits fil is the parent she chose to go to and stay with growing up regardless of money, but is absolutely refusing to let him stay in their house even temporarily? The "who contributes more to humanity" like is....classic narcissist, just wow. Clearly he hates his (now ex) wife.... because she was born into a rich family....? Much like his kids technically are? The wife's explanation that he's never around and fil does the job of dad was just the nail in the coffin. He doesn't want him around to be a constant reminder that he's a shite parent and actively chooses to be a shite parent. Idk where these men get the gall to act like this, but it needs to be stopped. (And it's not just narcissists) people who think that men should have no parenting roles (and housework roles) are the ones causing the divorce rate to be so high.
His reaction when he didn't get the replies he wanted made pretty clear who the problem is (as much as that was clear from his "boohoo, I'll lose my mancave"). And don't forget that according to the wife he's cheating, too - and still says this horrible things about his wife. What is "spoiled" in a woman who cares for the kids and the household AND works? He's a manbaby, with the emotional maturity of a rotten egg.
Wow! I notice so many times someone marries a doctor, especially a surgeon, then complain that they are never home. It is not exactly and 8-5 job.
A lot of great surgeons spend as much time with their kids and wives as they possibly can when they’re not working. They prioritize the little time off they have to spend it on being close to their loved ones, especially their children. This idiot is spending it golfing or isolating himself in a room away from his family. He isn’t even TRYING to make an effort to spend time with his family or kids. Falling asleep on couch after an exhausting shift while the girls watch Frozen is better than sequestering himself in the basement. It’s an effort. And I’m pretty sure his wife would accept that as long as he put in that effort consistently. Being a surgeon’s wife and family is a sacrifice much like being a soldier’s family. They’re not blind and unwilling to make the sacrifices needed. But they are right to demand at least an effort at spending time with their kids and family when home.
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His behaviour is unexcusable. But sounds like he came from a rough background, that you never had to deal with, a place where there is not much safety ( perceived emotional safety). All those words of his come from a place of “ I don’t feel safe in this world”. He has his own process to go through, needs some awareness and support. You were wronged here. However you have support, both financial and emotional. There might be other things that were not discussed, with the way this blew up. Sounds to me that both your requests are normal. His of having his private space, and you having your father close. He does seem like he needs to take a break from work though.
I thought he was being a jerk from reading just his initial post. Reading the rest just reinforced it.
Wife didn't fail. Husband did with blinders on. A 7 bedroom house thou and wanting his basement was a bit strange. He could have taken two rooms for a bedroom and a living room. A shed out back? I'm thinking that hubs didn't want fil so close incase his gf (if he did/does have one) happened to call or text him and got caught. Yes doctors work a lot and work parties for donations to hospitals are common w surgeons. But not finding comfort in home and his wife and own children is very odd. So good. Divorce away. He checked out a seeming while ago. And your dad has a heart of gold for all he's been through to stand by your side. Treat him well. And mend with your parents too.
The saddest part is he was willing to separate his children from a Grandfather who's been a very regular staple in their lives.
Load More Replies... I would give up my bedroom and sleep on the sofa. Heck, I'd sleep on the floor, if it meant my father-in-law could be here. He was a good man, I loved him, and since he passed away, I miss him often. He was a good grandpa to our kids, a great role model, for me as much as for them. I know as I get older I have to let people go. I can't keep them, and I'm glad he didn't have to suffer long from his illness, but I miss him. I'm a better person for having known him.
I'm so glad the children have their grandfather in their lives! Sounds like he's more of a father to the kids than their actual father. Also if you're on the father's side, just reread his last paragraph. He calls the woman he married and had children with a "shallow vapid woman who decorates houses while (husband) saves lives." That should tell you right there what kind of a person he is.
Her trying to keep the marriage together because she didn't want her kids to go through what she went through as a child of divorce is very common. Sadly, the kids go through worse when a broken marriage is dragged out too long. Glad it's finally over
I can totally understand not wanting an inlaw to move in permenantly, but there would have been a range of compromises available: "until we can build an in-law suite/he finds another place/we can help support him/why don't we pay him for all the childcare assistance he does so we don't need a nanny - the extra money will let him keep his independence". There were probrably many options other than "Wahhh my mancave, send him to live on the other side of the country." The wife is well out of it.
So the husband sincerely expected to find support to force his FIL to move across the country, which is no where near as viable a thing as he claims. And then when he doesn't find that support seems to believe showing the utmost disrespect towards her, calling her vapid and worse, would somehow fix the problem. I'm so glad the wife found it and reacted appropriately and without hesitation. Mr Surgeon is going to live a miserable, lonely life. Good.
That's the thing with reddit. The readers get a myopic view of the problem being described, then make a "judgment" based on that. You typically don't need X-ray glasses to see that there's LOTS of missing info, but it's reddit. They can/will diagnose your illnesses both physical and mental, and they do family counseling on the side. This guy was a peach. He stunk to high heaven after the first paragraph even if the wife didn't find it and level things out. In the end, he getting what he deserves.
Load More Replies... I wasn't expecting a clap back, but GOD was that a rollercoaster. Divorce the a** for sure not worth it, if anyone's in a situation like this I know it may be hard to leave but in the end you have to worry about you and your children if both parents aren't doing that then it's not something you should stay in.
Even before the update, this guy was the a*****e. That was confirmed by him saying "SHE's ready to throw away her marriage over this" and "who contributed more to humanity?" Yeah, she's the one in the wrong by putting her father, even temporarily, over a space in the house. 🙄 Obviously that was all completely confirmed with the updates and the (ex-)wife's elaborating.
If this was a movie, the woman's mother and father would be drawn closer by supporting their daughter through the divorce and end up getting back together. Sorry. The drama of this post has got to me. I'll stop now.
It does have the makings of a good movie. It’d probably be made by Hallmark too. lol
Load More Replies... The difference between God and a surgeon? God knows he's not a surgeon.
The wife said that she failed, but I don’t think that’s true. She had two awesome daughters, recognized that she was in a bad situation got herself out of a crappy marriage, and is doing what’s best for her family that really matters. It probably sucks for her right now, but I hope she’ll be able to be completely happy with her choice and move on without that jerk.
That broke my heart. She truly feels like she failed her family. When she couldn’t be more a hero if she tried
Load More Replies... Stay with me here. Maybe, just maybe, the FIL should move across the country to live with/near his sister. The wife will probably get enough out of the divorce to buy a house out there and move the four of them (FIL, girls and herself) out there and live quite comfortably on the alimony and child support she'll be awarded. That way FIL can be with sister, his daughter and his granddaughters all without having to pack a suitcase, then girls will grow up not having to be disappointed by their father on a daily basis.
I gave the OP some benefit of the doubt until I got to his complaint that the wife was a "spoiled princess" who didn't have to work yet somehow insisted upon having a job. Uh... That doesn't add up. When someone starts in with the insults and the disparagement doesn't make sense, you know that their argument is based on quicksand.
Beyond the story itself, this is great example of the issues with using things like AITAH to get advice. You are only getting half the story. And sometimes that half that is left off is way bigger than expected. Whether on Reddit or BP (Reddit lite), stories like this always have another side. And sometimes (often ?), that other side is huge. Lesson learned.
The dude was absolutely having a meltdown at the end of his post. Real mature. Definitely the type of guy you want slicing you open on the operating table.
Whatever of this is false testimony or not, the fact that the husband is calling her names on Reddit, is enough for him to be the AH
That arrogant dîckwad is not a doctor I would ever want involved in my care as a patient, I don't care how good his hands are.
OP's wife + kids are better off without him. The kids KNOW grandpa loves them. Not so sure about dad, however... Very sad.
For the record, it is entirely possible that design work does more to make life meaningful and purposeful, safer and more cost-effective, hence makes the world a better place- more than the surgeon does. Lots and lots of unnecessary surgeries out there. Mire of us need a well designed home than need surgery.
I worked for Dr's for 30 years. I know exactly which kind this guy is. The "out saving lives" remark really proved it. These people think they are one step below gawd and can do no wrong. They treat their people terribly, a tiny bit above minimum wage, uses their name to get people to grovel for them and has no idea how real life works. You're subservient to them 24/7, no matter what your job is. Thank goodness she's getting him out of her children's lives and bringing a good man in to their lives.
Dads like the wife's are *gold*. I'd pick a dad like hers over her hubs any day of the week!
"my basement" "who's side you guys are on" those are just the start of the, clearly a jerk. Like, he admits fil is the parent she chose to go to and stay with growing up regardless of money, but is absolutely refusing to let him stay in their house even temporarily? The "who contributes more to humanity" like is....classic narcissist, just wow. Clearly he hates his (now ex) wife.... because she was born into a rich family....? Much like his kids technically are? The wife's explanation that he's never around and fil does the job of dad was just the nail in the coffin. He doesn't want him around to be a constant reminder that he's a shite parent and actively chooses to be a shite parent. Idk where these men get the gall to act like this, but it needs to be stopped. (And it's not just narcissists) people who think that men should have no parenting roles (and housework roles) are the ones causing the divorce rate to be so high.
His reaction when he didn't get the replies he wanted made pretty clear who the problem is (as much as that was clear from his "boohoo, I'll lose my mancave"). And don't forget that according to the wife he's cheating, too - and still says this horrible things about his wife. What is "spoiled" in a woman who cares for the kids and the household AND works? He's a manbaby, with the emotional maturity of a rotten egg.
Wow! I notice so many times someone marries a doctor, especially a surgeon, then complain that they are never home. It is not exactly and 8-5 job.
A lot of great surgeons spend as much time with their kids and wives as they possibly can when they’re not working. They prioritize the little time off they have to spend it on being close to their loved ones, especially their children. This idiot is spending it golfing or isolating himself in a room away from his family. He isn’t even TRYING to make an effort to spend time with his family or kids. Falling asleep on couch after an exhausting shift while the girls watch Frozen is better than sequestering himself in the basement. It’s an effort. And I’m pretty sure his wife would accept that as long as he put in that effort consistently. Being a surgeon’s wife and family is a sacrifice much like being a soldier’s family. They’re not blind and unwilling to make the sacrifices needed. But they are right to demand at least an effort at spending time with their kids and family when home.
Load More Replies... His behaviour is unexcusable. But sounds like he came from a rough background, that you never had to deal with, a place where there is not much safety ( perceived emotional safety). All those words of his come from a place of “ I don’t feel safe in this world”. He has his own process to go through, needs some awareness and support. You were wronged here. However you have support, both financial and emotional. There might be other things that were not discussed, with the way this blew up. Sounds to me that both your requests are normal. His of having his private space, and you having your father close. He does seem like he needs to take a break from work though.
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