People Share 40 Habits They Have Had Since They Were Kids That They Now Realize Have A Much Deeper Meaning
Interview With Author
Some of the habits that people currently have might be childhood coping mechanisms that they picked up as ways to survive. They might have lived in a toxic family environment and faced neglect or abuse. They might have had to deal with constant fear, stress, and anxiety. And it only occurred to them way later, when they grew up, that the habits they grew to rely upon aren’t ‘normal’ at all.
Reddit users revealed the childhood coping methods that they unknowingly developed in an incredibly honest and impactful thread. They wrote about being hyper-aware of people’s microexpressions, shutting down their emotions, and creating imaginative scenarios to make their situations more tolerable. Scroll down for the most powerful things you will likely read today.
Bored Panda had a very open conversation about hardship, mental health, and childhood coping mechanisms with the author of the thread, redditor u/GreggOfChaoticOrder. They were very candid about their own struggles, the massive impact their r/AskReddit thread had, as well as their thoughts on dealing with trauma. Their hope is that by shedding light on these topics, others can know that they’re not alone in their struggles and it helps make the world a better place.
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I look for signs, such as micro-expressions, about what kind of mood the other one is in. My therapist told me not all people do this, and I do it a lot. He also told me I developed it because I was always on the lookout because of my often angry, drunken stepdad.
Redditor u/GreggOfChaoticOrder, the author of the viral thread, was incredibly open about what made them ask the question on r/AskReddit. “I was inspired to make that post because I was at a low point. I was so depressed and I just wanted to feel better,” they told Bored Panda.
“I had been commenting encouragement on other people's posts in r/bipolar, telling them things I'd want to hear, but it didn't feel like I was doing enough. After some soul searching and self-reflection I just kinda realized that many of the things I do are actually just coping mechanisms. So I decided to make a post about it and reply to whoever commented. Which was easy… for the first hour or two.” The thread quickly went viral, mainly because of how supportive the redditor was of everyone. But the author was quickly overwhelmed by the massive response.
“I couldn't reply to everyone at a certain point. I'd be getting 100-200 notifications every thirty minutes for a few hours at a time. I think it really took off because of all the work I did at the beginning. I tried encouraging people and letting them know it was a safe place. A place you could just scream into the void and find others there doing the same thing. A place you could even find people you can relate to. I never expected it to take off at all. I was ready for 20 or so comments and maybe as many upvotes,” the redditor told us that they were shocked that their thread then spread to YouTube, TikTok, and the media.
I can cut people out of my life and stop caring about people at the snap of my fingers, and I do it far too often to people who sometimes may not deserve it to keep myself safe.
This is purely to protect your heart and your emotional well-being. It's almost better to slowly form friendships and see where it ends up and not get too emotionally attached too quickly.
The author, u/GreggOfChaoticOrder, said that it felt good to have helped people know that they aren’t alone.
Bored Panda wanted to get the author’s opinion on whether hardships always lead to resilience and greater emotional toughness. They told us that, in their opinion, it depends on the situation and the individual.
“The hardships everyone has endured can sometimes make them stronger. I personally believe that while it does make some stronger it can be absolutely devastating to others. For example, two people subjected to the same emotional traumas can develop differently. For one it can make them stronger and more resilient against future traumas. For the other person, it can make them weaker to future traumas and more accepting of said future traumas,” they said.
“Everyone is built differently. How someone deals with trauma can't be put in black and white terms. How they deal and cope is a spectrum. I myself feel like my traumas have made me weaker in some areas, yet stronger in others.”
Assuming people are mad at me based on their vocal tone.
Apparently, I do something called 'disassociating' where I get so deep in thought that I don’t hear anything else around me. It drives my wife nuts.
Dissociation is a disconnection between a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions or sense of who he or she is. This is a normal process that everyone has experienced. Unless you developed this deep concentration to shut out an unpleasant environment, you have a rare gift. My ex and I had a similar problem because we both had hearing loss, so we had to learn to call each other by name and wait for an answer before speaking. Hope you guys find a solution.
What’s more, the incredibly supportive redditor shared something that they think everybody should hear. “You are not alone. Many have experienced situations similar to you, and many will experience those situations too. You may be too harsh on yourself, or think you are not enough. Yet you are here and that means you want to do better,” they said.
“You have even a small hope that it will be better. Whenever the lows start coming in and beating you down remember that at least you tried your best that day because that is all you can ask of yourself.”
Psychologist Lee Chambers also believes that not everyone reacts to hardships the same way. Some might get stronger because of them, others become weaker. However, we all have the choice of embracing what has happened to us and growing as individuals.
"Post-traumatic growth isn't always simple to explain or utilize, but often the adversity we face can create a precedent for what we can overcome, help us to see what we need to be grateful for, and give us an understanding of the support we do have. A big part of opening the door to grow from our struggles is finding acceptance and taking ownership over what you can control and finding healthy ways to express the negative emotion that comes with challenges that test us," the mental health expert told Bored Panda during an earlier interview.
My parents were emotionally and often physically neglectful and cold. I was expected to stay out of the way and raise myself within the household. No mealtimes, bedtimes, bath times, nothing. The attention in the house was always negative. We lived way out in the country, too, so there were no playmates in the neighborhood — and my only sibling was 10 years older and of the opposite sex. I had this weird mental game from a young age — I must have gotten it from a book somewhere — where I would pretend I was in an orphanage (one of those old-fashioned ones, kinda like from Annie). The school bus dropped me off there. Then the evening was regimented. We lined up for dinner, sat and did homework, had a church-type service, and then were given baths and put to bed. I would pretend that I was one of many children doing these things. I would lie in bed and imagine myself lying in a row of identical twin beds.
I don't know if it was a coping mechanism so much as a survival tactic. I walk on the balls/toes of my feet all the time. If I'm barefooted, my heels never touch the ground unless I'm standing still. Quietness was the objective.
I talk to myself, like full blown heart felt conversations. I'd keep things to myself because I would get in trouble for saying the wrong thing. I lie because people couldn't know certain things. I'd day dream because it was better then reality. I observed the room, their gestures to know if it's safe to interact. I don't say things about myself because I can't trust easily.
"As human beings, we have a desire for certainty and routine that keeps us feeling safe and able to plan what lies ahead in an organized manner. When unpredictable situations or accidents impact us, it can be traumatic, and we will likely feel a sense of disappointment, frustration, and loss," psychologist Lee said.
"It is important however that we embrace the fact that the world can be unpredictable and uncertain, and become more tolerant of this being a reality. Understanding that things are sometimes out of our control helps us to accept that not everything goes to plan, and accept when things happen to us that are negative. This acceptance allows us to embrace the change and difference, and manage our expectations so we can become more resilient to the ups and downs that all our lives lead."
Shutting down emotional responses and forcing myself to 'not care' about any perceived loss. Apparently, this made it pretty annoying to discipline me because I would suddenly stop caring about anything that was threatened to be taken away. Nobody really taught me how to properly cope with loss when it started happening, and I guess my response was emotional repression.
i feel this but it was more no tv? ok, i'll read. no books? ok, i'll write. no paper? ok, i'll just hang out in my imagination... i'm almost 40 prefer to spend my time in my head or with animals
Anyone that does this needs to understand that it *can* lead to long term health issues if emotions are not dealt with. I had a mental breakdown in my late 20s due to this behavior. Reach out if/ when it starts catching up to you. It manifested first for me in the inability to cope with anger. It's different for everyone, though. 💖
I learned to eat my feelings. Very skinny child always outside riding my bike up and down the street or kicking or throwing a ball against a wall. Pretending if I made a shot or a trick or painted the corner with a fastball I would be celebrated, maybe even loved. Was very hard to unlearn transactional behavior. Just wish I learned I was enough without grand displays.
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I used to think that I was just stoic and thick skinned but now I'm older I realise that I was just repressing my emotions cos my parents would get mad
I never feel sad at a family funeral or with any tragedy in the world. I got scared for Ukraine at first but now I'm numb to it all. Same with anything else. People will try to get a reaction out of me, even using my own daughter as an analogy. I know what they're doing so it still doesn't effect my emotional responses. This has come in handy when dealing with an emergency crisis and someone needs me to take over the 911 call because I'm the most calm. It happened at Tim Hortons. Someone had a seizure in the dining area, my coworker was too freaked out and shaking to handle it and be able to talk to 911, so I took over. I thought it was strange when she asked how I was able to be so calm.
People who suffer with depression can be very calm in an emergency. That's very much how I am. I don't feel I'm connecting properly and am numb a lot of the time. You know that you care about the people in your life but it's behind a really thick glass wall. Can see it, but not always touch it. Might not resonate with you but I just wondered... 🤷
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I'm with you, it's kinda comforting but kinda worrisome at the same time.
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I started doing this and it made my mother so mad. She hated that I would shut down because of her yelling so she yelled more. I didn't know what to do, but eh.
Same, but with my father. My mom even told him that I always shut down when he would rant & rave at me, but it didn't stop him. I don't miss that S****. at all.
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I hate how much I relate to most of these BUT THIS... I lost a lot of family members in December (throughout the years) so usually December is a rather tense month at home, people are sad and they don't get why I'm not mourning. Also I have never been able to cry at a funeral. I lost a cousin about 5 years ago, great friend of mine I always enjoyed playing with, saw them die, saw their body in the coffin, the coffin get buried, all throughout that I could shed a single tear. It almost felt like derealization, like they where not actually dead. Family was mad on top of being sad too but I couldn't feel s**t.
I emotionally shut down in a crisis in order to get the practicalities sorted. I’ve been to several funerals where you’d think that expressing grief was a competitive sport among family members. At my dad’s funeral I organised the lifts, the catering, read the eulogy, etc. without a single tear. I thought that if everyone goes to pieces, nothing will get done. However there’s always a price to pay so I had a bit of a mini breakdown 6 months later.
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I became this way as an adult. Was sick of being hurt all the time so I just shut down & stopped giving a damn so now nothing & no one can affect me any longer. It's actually quite liberating imo
Same. My mom would just end up beating me cause i didnt react at all to being grounded or sitting in corner. I would just do my time and go about life.
So you're emotional trauma response is shut down when yelled at by your mother and that infuriated your mother? Yeah she also needs to talk to someone. I'm sorry this happened to you
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Did this until I was 19 and I just couldn't handle it anymore and broke mentally.
I claim to be stoic, but it's actually not leaving myself open to be hurt. My mother was physically & emotionally abusive, allowed her best friend to molest me, then when, as an adult, I TOLD her about it, blamed me (I was between 9 & 14 when the molestation occurred). My Dad was a career Marine officer, who wasn't home a lot of the time. I also withdraw when angry, to calm down so I can address whatever issue without the utter cruelty my mother used.
I think I was in fifth grade when my parents couldn't physically discipline me. Not sure why but since then my reaction to physical pain is now laughter. It creeps people out but it's now what I do.
I pam numb. You can't hurt me by taking anything from me because I've already good bye in my heart..it hurts too much to love
Same. I’ve always been an overly emotional and hyper sensitive guy but as I entered my 40s I started to shut down quite a bit so as not to get so hurt. My family was always close (people thought it was cute that we always said “I love you” to each other when ending a call or whatever). Loved my parents to the point that I told myself that when my first parent passed that I would too so they wouldn’t go alone but then my dad died in 2017 but I didn’t want to do that to my mom, then she passed in 2020 and I couldn’t do that to my siblings…then I just shut down and refused to cry or even think about them as I couldn’t handle the memories. Not the healthiest thing but I was able to keep going. Probably need to address this but I keep putting it off as I feel so drained when I weep when think about loved ones who’ve passed on
I can't experience grief. Somebody dies? I pretend to be sad but really I'm not. Sometimes it hits me later but even then I'm not sad in any way.
I did this. It hurt my mother because she was confused. She gave me everything. I miss you mama.
I learned this at a very young age. My father was verbally & emotionally abusive to me from the age of 10 so I learned to 'disconnect' from the moment & not show any feelings. 60 years later, I still don't cry or react. When he died & we were walking behind his body out of the Veterans Home, I actually started crying, but it wasn't sorrow. It was relief that he was finally gone from my life.
My mom gets so mad when I do this she says stuff like “I’ll send you to your dads if you don’t behave” and I just don’t care anymore
Over apologizing and always questioning if I come off annoying, mean, or disrespectful. Having little to no self esteem. And self neglect.
I learned to lie rather convincingly. I was petrified of getting in trouble for the smallest things that I learned to hide quite a bit. I had such high anxiety as a kid.
I do this to sometimes learned how when i was young n would get screamed at over the SMALLEST mistakes/screw ups. That also caused my anxitey of making mistakes/messing up
The psychologist shared that he himself had to learn to walk again. There were certain things that helped him with his struggle.
"Using journaling and talking about how I felt played a significant part in my recovery when I had to learn to walk again, and gave me the space to grow to become mentally stronger as a result. It is also important to reflect on all the hurdles you've overcome, so you can see what skills and lessons you've learned to apply in the future, and adversity often helps us to see what really matters, and gets us closer to knowing our values and purpose."
Not doing anything till the last minute so I feel pressured to do it — and when I finish doing it, I feel useful.
☝️ - how to tell if you have ADHD ( takes one to know one)
My house is spotless. Everyone is surprised my house is so clean when I have three kids. It's totally a coping mechanism. If I'm upset or stressed, I clean, and with a baby, I'm stressed a lot.
This behavior comes from my dad throwing epic fits if the house wasn't clean and tidy. He would yell that he has four daughters, so why aren't things clean? I thought if the house was clean, it was one less thing to be yelled at about.
I'm slowly learning that it's OK to leave dishes in the sink or have an unmade bed. A mess still makes me extremely anxious, but I'm doing my best not to pass it on to my kids.
Your dad thought his daughters were born with brooms and vaccuums in their hands, because women? I'm sorry you were treated that way, OP.
Eating too fast. I remember noticing this even as a child still. I was always done first. And I never out grew it. Neglect and abandonment issues.
I learned at an early age, if I didn't eat my food quickly, my younger sister would pinch it. She was never repremanded for it, but it didn't go both ways.
Meanwhile, childhood independence expert Lenore Skenazy explained to Bored Panda why there are so many ‘helicopter’ parents who are overprotective, overbearing, and anxious to let their kids have freedom.
She told us that it’s a result of “our catastrophizing culture” which has scared some parents senseless. By controlling kids to make them safe, some parents force them to live in anxiety.
“The result is not safety, it’s anxiety—kids who absorbed the message that everything is too much for them to handle. When you’re anxious, a simple slip-up doesn’t seem so simple. It seems huge—even life-threatening. How can you avoid those awful threats? That part is simple. You avoid doing anything,” she said.
Always being okay having your decisions overridden by others and believing they know best. Examples: For birthdays, we’d get to pick a restaurant to eat at. I’d pick a place and usually my sister would complain and my parents would override. Being asked what I’d want for Christmas and being told 'No, you don’t' when you tell them what you want. I was super into astronomy growing up, so when I asked for a telescope, I was told more than once I didn’t want it. So I started to believe I didn’t want one.
I feel this. My family has the tendency to kind of take my opinion into consideration but they never do anything with it.
Self depreciating jokes. If I make fun of myself first it wont hurt as bad when someone else makes fun of me.
Constantly trying to preempt or diffuse situations. I'm always checking the mood of the room. I'm pretending to laugh to lighten up my parents interactions.
Would go down to get a glass of water to remind them "I'm here and listening" but that made them angry at me for "interrupting their argument."
Or shutting down because you have to work out the 'perfect response' in real-time. And no, screaming at me for being quiet will not make this process go any faster or help to resolve the mind-numbing panic that triggered it in the first place.
I had an ex who admitted to purposely pressing buttons he thought would make me angry to get a response out of me, because this (shutting down) is my response to being overwhelmed/in confrontational situations.
I do this, too — and I terrified co-workers when I materialized behind them like a ghost at the copy machine or café counter. They called me 'The Ghost,' and I laughed along, but kept to myself that I also knew where the exits were and what was between them and myself at any given moment.
Both of my parents had terrible tempers and three out of my four grandparents were abusive (of every kind you could name) people. You are absolutely right to call it a survival tactic.
Daydreaming for me. Fantasizing with being loved, cared for, and finding the greatest everlasting unconditional love. This has f**ked me up when attempting relationships as an adult.
Having this conundrum today. Wondering whether this is good, problematic, achievable or even realistic, considering my experience and how I see people relate sentimentally to each other around me. Holding on to it or throwing it away for... what? I don't know what I'd want instead.
It's funny, I used to write a lot and one of the characters I used to talk to as an imaginary friend to feel safer/less lonely was a long haired metal head named Rick. My fiancé is a long-haired metal-head (who is also a huge geek for extra credit) named Ricky.
I keep track of where people are in the house. Since you can usually distinguish who is walking by how they sound, you can easily tell where they are. I still do it to this day even when it isn't necessary.
The sound of my mom or dad walking down the stairs always made my blood pressure spike. It was my only warning that they might open my door because they were really bad about not knocking and that meant they were pissed or wanted something. Unfortunately, they could also be walking downstairs for laundry or something else. So I would get worked up for no reason.
I did this ALL THE TIME when I was a kid. I still kind of do it but the need isn't there as much.
I just found out I have a binge eating disorder. I eat in secret sometimes and overeat. It comes from my childhood and not knowing where my next meal would come from.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm indecisive for similar reasons. Mine isn't anything malicious. Just being the youngest of three, your opinions generally fall in last for a long time. I became very easy-going/go with the flow, but now I do this thing where I'll be like, 'sure whatever' — and stifle my own desires for others.
This. Gone through my whole life like it, am 24 now. When I say I'm not all here, I'm REALLY not all here. I'm not anchored, I'm constantly slipping into my head in crazy adventures with consistent characters, settings, universes, and themes. It's like constantly slipping out of reality and into a trippy TV show. I guess it's kinda nice sometimes, but it gets in the way of school, work, and EVERYTHING I try to do.
Story of my life. Or rather, the story of my characters' lives. I'm the one who's not real.
Making my voice as monotone as possible to prevent people (my parents) from picking up on any tiny hint of emotion. My parents would lose it if I had 'a tone' or sounded upset in any way. It's taken years and years of practice to regain some emotion in my voice again.
The "Watch Your Tone With Me" speech! Half my childhood right there.
Having three or four different responses ready for every conversation in advance just to prepare for what might come. My therapist told me this isn’t as normal as I thought it was and apparently other people don’t prepare this much for regular, everyday conversations.
Trying to think/mentally prepare myself for every possible horrible thing that could happen to me, so that if it did, I wouldn’t be blindsided. It didn’t work. I want to add that my mother died in a freak accident when I was young, and I was blindsided. My coping mechanism was to prepare for situations where a friend or family member is killed out of the blue, so I wouldn’t be caught off guard again. It caused me severe stress and the inability to relax ever. I am older now and therapy has done wonders for me.
I can’t have an aspiration or a dream because I don’t want to disappoint myself. I can’t even say that I am gonna get a good grade on a specific subject out loud, because I'm scared I will disappoint myself. Same thing happens with other things in my life: when I apply for a specific college, I will just do it and ignore it until I get a result, because I don’t want to get my hopes up and end up not getting accepted. I can’t even have a New Years resolution because somehow I think I would fail, and I would rather already expect that than get my hopes up and fail. I am scared of being disappointed in myself.
So many times I've avoided my creative projects as I know they'll never be good enough and the constant fighting myself is so exhausting :-(
Listening for the smallest sounds. Before I was old enough and had enough money to move out, I could hear the faint sound of the garage door opening because it would always squeak when it opens. I would then bolt upstairs to my room because the garage opening meant that my mom was home. I can distinguish her footsteps easily. I developed a hypersensitivity to sound because of her.
Same, I can literally distinguish the sounds of my dad or my mom knocking on a door, walking down or up steps, when my mom or dad closes car doors, the lot basically.
Shutting down emotionally. I learned from a young age that if I felt some sort of way about something, it didn't matter because I was "too young to have real problems". Also, being invalidated all the time by being told it didn't matter or wasn't a big deal. So any time something bothered me, I'd just shut down and not want to talk at all. I was trying to sort my emotions myself and not offend anyone, but I was really just hurting myself.
OMG I remember once telling someone I was stressed out and he just said “What do YOU have to worry about?” Yeah, thanks for completely invalidating my feelings there, j@ckass.
Having to laugh and smile every time you make a comment to your parents so they don’t immediately start getting offended over everything you say — it’s exhausting.
Laughing at pain, if I get hurt I laugh. I do it because I don’t want the people around me feeling uncomfortable. I do it even when people aren’t around. It hurts.
Learning about dissociation is a game-changer. It's so hard to explain what you feel when it's happening. Being able to see other people try to explain it helps us understand it and not feel so broken.
Feeling like your life is a game, but you're watching yourself playing on the couch from outside the window. Losing time. Losing thoughts. Losing connections. Losing friends. Not noticing it all until it's to late. Coupled with derealization it can really unalive your whole social construct.
My mom used to take away things I enjoyed when she was thinking I was behaving badly. At some point, I started to ignore it, finding something new or just lying in bed doing nothing. Now I'm curious if despite all other problems this also had an influence on me being indifferent about other people's presence and emotions.
Yes, and when someone says, 'You don’t have to say sorry' and/or gets mad at you for saying sorry, and you get in a loop for saying sorry. Nowadays, it’s a lot better than it was. But whenever I feel bad, I just keep repeating it.
Cleaning or doing things behind the scenes for my family so they're always happy, life goes smoothly, and my life is serene. The latter isn't the case unfortunately; I'm exhausted and always on edge.
I never considered this as a coping mechanism. I do this all the time and I get extremely stressed out when my husband comes home from work early because I didn't have the time to tidy up yet. He never said something about it, neither does he expect me to do all this but now I understand why it's making me so, so, so nervous...
I know that...it's like flipping a switch. It's most noticeable to me when I'm watching a movie and a scene comes on that triggers some kind of memory and so I mentally switch from being in tune with the movie to staring at the box on the wall while the pictures on it move. It completely removes all emotion.
My dad would get snippy with my sister and me to watch our tone when we wouldn't have one. And then in high school and college, the slightest friggin shift in demeanor of my friends toward me sent me into a damn worry spiral.
My boyfriend likes to speak frankly and clearly, and my mind makes it sound like he's upset, which makes me apologize and actually annoy him since I apologize too much to begin with.
My sister and I both do this. Every minute spent at the table increased the likelihood that we would get yelled at for something unrelated, so the only strategy was to get out of there as quickly as possible. I have to make a conscious effort to slow down around other people now.
I do the opposite. Too panicky to eat, I freeze completely and only unfreeze once everybody's done. Even eating alone it takes me a long time.
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I have been in and out of therapy for a long list of things that I do not want to go into right now. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to compete with others in this thread. However during times that I cannot afford therapy I use some channels on YouTube that offer me some tools to better my mental health. Therapy In A Nutshell is a good resource. There are many others depending on what you struggle with. Good luck everyone
I was 30 when I finally learned that screaming at unexpected noises, or unexpected people behind you, or even jolts during car rides when you're not the one driving, is a symptom of cptsd. Unfortunately, most people either laugh or get angry. Very few people are understanding. It's also definitely not something most people do
So many abusive parents ruining their children's lives. I spent much of my life trying to anticipate what I was likely to get beaten for having done or not done. My parents then my first husband and his extended family were extremely abusive. Even today when it is no longer necessary I go out of my way to avoid upsetting anyone.
I related to way too many of the comments. I've always felt alone with how I felt and dealt with things, but to see others see and do things the way I do is both reassuring and makes me sad. All the trauma I've gone through has greatly effected me and I hate that it has happened to other people too
Yet it also feels kinda comforting being around people so relatable.
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I realized a few years ago that the reason I'm so obsessed with following rules, and the reason I get such bad anxiety whenever anybody else isn't following the rules, is that I grew up in a house where, if somebody disobeyed the rules, everybody got yelled at, everybody got punished, and it just went on until the authority figure ran out of steam. I've also found that I have severe social anxiety and attachment issues because of moving around so much as a kid (I lived in 8 towns by the time I was 10), and the fact my parent didn't want me to associate with other kids: kids couldn't come to our house, and we couldn't go to theirs.
I hate being late as I was yelled at if I was late.
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Only last week (I'm 31 btw) did I realise that I'm terrified of failing and therefore put way too much pressure on everything I do to be perfect. The only time I got attention from my mum was at the end of term if I had good grades (and I'm talking top scores in the class good). No good? No attention. The ultimate praise was the rare occasion my mum told my dad about a grade and I got a grunt of approval from him too. Grades = love = self worth. Literally took a whole decade out of formalised education to realise I'm worth my kindness, my creativity, my determination, sense of humour, love of cooking for people, loyalty, everything! Anything other than busting my a$$ every waking hour hoping I'd achieve enough to deserve other people's love.
Thinking that everything bad that happens is my fault in some way, even if that way is convoluted and obscure. Just assume the worst.
For me it's very much opening up emotionally. Growing up, my sibling who is four years older than me drew all the family attention, both positive and negative. It must've been hard for them as well, but to me it always felt like nobody saw me, like I was invisible and didn't really exist. It still feels like that, because for some reason I'm the only one in our family that 'doesn't know things', like I wasn't kept up to date with stuff that went on in everyone's lives. Vice versa it feels like my own family doesn't know me at all. It's caused me to let friendships go by because I always assume I'm expendable (I mean, aren't we all, in the grander scheme of things) and nobody needs me. I cannot cope with the feeling of being uninvolved or bypassed, even when there's no reason to feel like that, so I keep my deepest heart to myself in fear of others not caring.
This one should have come with a "trigger warning". I endured a horrendous childhood. My mother's abuse continued into my adulthood until I realized I was free to cut off all contact. Many of the things others shared, I experienced and used as coping mechanisms. Damage done can never be undone. You must understand yourself and learn ways to overcome. Many self imposed barriers originally intended as protection in the long run lose their effectiveness and can actually begin to hurt you and hold you back. My understanding came far too late for me to change the course of my life. I now struggle with what to do next with the time I have left. Regardless of all the negativity and adversity I have had to live through, I do know there is always something wonderfully bright and beautiful despite any darkness - you have to remember to look for it, always.
I was told I wasn't smart enough, not pretty enough, not tall enough, couldn't do many things. I decided to make lasagna after I had been married 4 years. I had all the ingredients out like a cooking show. I read through the recipe after every step. When I was done, I couldn't believe it. I then knew I could cook anything I wanted. I make baklava, spanakopita, Thai food, Chinese food, ramen, so many things. My parents were wrong. I can do more than they ever could have imagined. I tell my children they can and what do they need. I'm 58 and I'm crying because it still hurts.
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Going on long drives with no destination in mind. My mother was a tyrant that would get angry and abusive at the slightest things. Home life was horrible and school was just as bad with bullies. But every few weekends, my Dad would load me up in the car and take me for a drive..no where in particular. And at those times I felt free and happy. I never realized I continued the car trips even after getting married and having my son. I think it let me cope with being a mom (trying to be better than my mother was with me) and helped me to pass on that sense of freedom to my son.
My family and friends taught me this one: Getting out of the way. I was never anyones best friends, and if I got a friend they would move on and I wouldn’t see them again, and I’d make a new friend and it would start over. For my family, I let them interrupt me and ignore me because I feel that I’m not the favorite child and there are thing more important then me. I let people misuse me because that’s how I grew up. I get out of the way because there are more important things then me.
How my childhood screwed me up, let me count the ways. CPTSD, OCD, MaDD, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, ADD, Hypervigilance, Hyper focus, think I'm missing 1or 2 atm. My brain takes in so much information at times it will shut down and reboot. For a long time I thought something was wrong because I would always have to ask people to repeat themselves. The fear of being dependent on anyone ever again keeps me from spiraling. I'm independent high functioning chaos.
I stand on one foot in the shower. I grew up in rural MN and our furnace would die in the winter. The tub was so cold and hot water was not a guarantee. I stood on one foot because it was so cold in there. I still do it to this day and I have a warm house and all the hot water I want to pay for. Trauma is strange.
I talk about my problems and feelings to an imaginary person who lives in my mind. I also keep mental logs and file them away. I do all this because I don’t trust anyone even though I know them well enough
When I was a kid and often got cranky I got a piece of bread to make me feel better. Also when I was sent to the store for milk I was allowed to have a candybar. Developed a lifelong self soothing/rewarding habit using food. Have diabetes, on antidepressants, still the most calming/satisfying thing I can do is to eat a piece of bread. Hopeless.
Mine is the almost total inability to cry. I got the "stop crying or I'll give you something to really cry about!" Speech only taken the nth degree. As long as I was whimpering, tears flowing, sobbing, anything, I could get a whole new whupping, or continued in my face screaming. So now it is very rare to see me cry . I want to, I feel like I need to, are am about to but,it usually never happens. Be
I flinch at almost anything because my younger sister (2 years younger) would hit me a lot and still does.
I have a problem. A couple of problems. And idk if I'm in a healthy situation right now or not, but I don't know if it's something I should vent about to random strangers on the internet or keep to myself. Uhhh lemme know if you guys want to know
If you want to talk about it, there are people here who will listen. Without knowing your story, I will say this: if you're questioning whether your current situation is healthy, chances are strong it's not. Many people get into bad relationships (not always romantic), but feel they don't deserve better, so they accept it as "normal". If a friend was in your place, what would you tell them? Treat yourself like someone you love, and eventually you'll see that you deserve that love.
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learning to say no and spending half my life not doing things that would stress my mom. why? because my two older siblings were s**t and did some awful things that would stress my divorced mom who was working 2-3 jobs to keep us fed and in a decent home. passed up some things i wanted to do as an adult because i knew my mom would be stressed and i didn't want to worry her. eventually got over this and by that time she may not have been stressed but definitely didn't approve.
I can relate to every one of these. Had abusive father and mom didn't interfere. Because I believed physical violence was *Normal* I moved out right after hs graduation into my ex husband's house who was also abusive. Then had two more abusive relationships, the last one held a knife to my throat. I experience dissociation, high anxiety, hypervigilance,
My coping mechanism is to always have evidence of where I have been and things I have done. Keeping meticulous records has helped me in my career, but my partner thinks it is weird that I keep every single for 90 days and log of where I have been, how long I stayed and sometimes how many miles I drove. I always had to account for 100% of my time with my parents and they would sometimes as me for proof of where I had been. It is a shame that I haven't lived there for 31 years and I still do it.
Well i also almost always walk on my toes since i was like 7 and never understand why. But when I grow up i realised that it just takes less energy to walk, climb the stairs, even during hiking. It's practical you should try it
Both my parents abused me growing up. Im the oldest and the only girl in the family. I was beaten by my mom bc she blamed me for her getting pregnant on their wedding night (so she's told me). My dad tried to get me to do sexual things with him and my three brothers tried as well. My family would constantly would tell me that I am fat, stupid, useless (even though I was raising my brothers and going to school and cooking and cleaning). I can't take stress well sometimes so I shut down and get angry with everyone and shut down and won't talk to anyone till I calm down.
I started to take on other people's feelings and problems as a way to invalidate and ignore my own.
I related to way too many of these. The worst is that I always had to pretend I wasn't in intense pain because it just didn't matter to my mother. I had an earache for two months when I was ten or eleven and the only reason she took me to the doctor was because I embarrassed her by crying in church from the pain. Same with a cracked rib and elbow from falling when I was fourteen. Or the time I cut my leg bad enough I should have had stitches, but we were going to a wedding and she didn't want to look like a bad mom so she made me wear dress pants in the summer to hide it. Now, I never go to the doctor unless I cry from pain in public because I've dealt with worse and it never seems bad enough. Or the night I spent awake in pain, crying and pacing in the bathroom because I didn't dare wake her up and two months later spending six hours laying on the ground crying after my sister jumped on me only to finally find out my appendix had been leaking for quite awhile.
I must have been very lucky, I had some wonderful teachers in my life, and some wonderful women who were 'family friends' who helped me. At school I had a good friend and her mother was also wonderful for me. I learned from these women how to behave in society and public> Both of my parents would have been diagnosed nowadays as Asperger's so I certainly did NOT learn social behaviour from them I do regret that we never lived near my maternal grandmother who was the most wonderful kind person
I used to hide from my mother. When she was angry (with any of my sisters) she would seek me out to be cross with me. The best hiding place was to take a book and hide up a tree near our place. In the house I was always afraid she'd find me. Then the lovely neighbours used to let me walk their dog -- an afternoon spent with a good dog, just walking the districts was very calming,.
My parents were/are marijuana farmers/smokers since mid 70s. We had a greenhouse for 13 years and I often helped them grow the plants. Watering, transplanting, etc. Downside to this was the 80-90s views of smokers/marijuana. My parents told no one and quite obviously expected me to do the same with my school peers. Otherwise I'd face the consequences of my parents being arrested, me being kicked out of school, etc. And because of this pattern of secrecy I was never allowed to have friends over, not even in my house. Anyone was allowed on the curb though. But my school environment was such that it didn't really facilitate friend-making anyway. So I didn't have real friends until high school, when it became slightly more acceptable to be weedy. But growing up like that has taught me ways of determining who's chill/who's lame to be around when I tell them about my background. If someone's really gung ho about weed it's like ok, cool but whatever still it's just weed.
"What would you do if you won the lottery?" - "Well" I say, "I know a goodly chunk of it is going to therapy..." - as an adult, realizing the **NUMEROUS** things that aren't normal and were actually rather... abusive... and the confusion and almost denial when the therapist/counselor would say: "But you're intelligent" - even WRITING that a therapist said that to me is hard for me now because I feel like I'm writing a lie.
I'm really sad seeing I have a lot of these behaviours. I'm not sad at all because I'm in a healing process - to process the emotions and the anger helps to understand why some things are as they are. But I'm sad I don't want kids on my own. I'm married for 10 years and I don't think I'm able to be a good mom. It's more important to get focused on my own healing for now. All happiness for you, fellas ♥️
This post is beyond depressing. I couldn't get through the first few and I was out. Nope. Uh uh.
Honestly, in my 15 years as a therapist I have one rule: you aren't healed until you've paid cash for a dog in a pub. It could be as little as £50 but exchanging greasy notes for a clearly stolen puppy with a toothless Irish harridan is the starting point for treating ptsd. In Iraq I killed an entire funeral to settle a bet and it haunted me until I bought Pickled Onion (my dog).
I am concerned that I related to a lot of these and that I'm not in therapy 😖
Coping mechanisms are “normal”, everyone uses them all the time, please update title
These are all signs of abuse. Maybe you should re-evaluate what you think is normal.
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Growing up I considered it normal for my mum to have 'eaten whilst she cooked it' and only later found it was a coping mechanism for being poor and when you're a parent you don't put yourself at the top of the eating order above your kids. I also thought it was normal for your parents to have so many parties involving alcohol... turns out that was just a coping mechanism for having kids xd
I have been in and out of therapy for a long list of things that I do not want to go into right now. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to compete with others in this thread. However during times that I cannot afford therapy I use some channels on YouTube that offer me some tools to better my mental health. Therapy In A Nutshell is a good resource. There are many others depending on what you struggle with. Good luck everyone
I was 30 when I finally learned that screaming at unexpected noises, or unexpected people behind you, or even jolts during car rides when you're not the one driving, is a symptom of cptsd. Unfortunately, most people either laugh or get angry. Very few people are understanding. It's also definitely not something most people do
So many abusive parents ruining their children's lives. I spent much of my life trying to anticipate what I was likely to get beaten for having done or not done. My parents then my first husband and his extended family were extremely abusive. Even today when it is no longer necessary I go out of my way to avoid upsetting anyone.
I related to way too many of the comments. I've always felt alone with how I felt and dealt with things, but to see others see and do things the way I do is both reassuring and makes me sad. All the trauma I've gone through has greatly effected me and I hate that it has happened to other people too
Yet it also feels kinda comforting being around people so relatable.
Load More Replies... I realized a few years ago that the reason I'm so obsessed with following rules, and the reason I get such bad anxiety whenever anybody else isn't following the rules, is that I grew up in a house where, if somebody disobeyed the rules, everybody got yelled at, everybody got punished, and it just went on until the authority figure ran out of steam. I've also found that I have severe social anxiety and attachment issues because of moving around so much as a kid (I lived in 8 towns by the time I was 10), and the fact my parent didn't want me to associate with other kids: kids couldn't come to our house, and we couldn't go to theirs.
I hate being late as I was yelled at if I was late.
Load More Replies... Only last week (I'm 31 btw) did I realise that I'm terrified of failing and therefore put way too much pressure on everything I do to be perfect. The only time I got attention from my mum was at the end of term if I had good grades (and I'm talking top scores in the class good). No good? No attention. The ultimate praise was the rare occasion my mum told my dad about a grade and I got a grunt of approval from him too. Grades = love = self worth. Literally took a whole decade out of formalised education to realise I'm worth my kindness, my creativity, my determination, sense of humour, love of cooking for people, loyalty, everything! Anything other than busting my a$$ every waking hour hoping I'd achieve enough to deserve other people's love.
Thinking that everything bad that happens is my fault in some way, even if that way is convoluted and obscure. Just assume the worst.
For me it's very much opening up emotionally. Growing up, my sibling who is four years older than me drew all the family attention, both positive and negative. It must've been hard for them as well, but to me it always felt like nobody saw me, like I was invisible and didn't really exist. It still feels like that, because for some reason I'm the only one in our family that 'doesn't know things', like I wasn't kept up to date with stuff that went on in everyone's lives. Vice versa it feels like my own family doesn't know me at all. It's caused me to let friendships go by because I always assume I'm expendable (I mean, aren't we all, in the grander scheme of things) and nobody needs me. I cannot cope with the feeling of being uninvolved or bypassed, even when there's no reason to feel like that, so I keep my deepest heart to myself in fear of others not caring.
This one should have come with a "trigger warning". I endured a horrendous childhood. My mother's abuse continued into my adulthood until I realized I was free to cut off all contact. Many of the things others shared, I experienced and used as coping mechanisms. Damage done can never be undone. You must understand yourself and learn ways to overcome. Many self imposed barriers originally intended as protection in the long run lose their effectiveness and can actually begin to hurt you and hold you back. My understanding came far too late for me to change the course of my life. I now struggle with what to do next with the time I have left. Regardless of all the negativity and adversity I have had to live through, I do know there is always something wonderfully bright and beautiful despite any darkness - you have to remember to look for it, always.
I was told I wasn't smart enough, not pretty enough, not tall enough, couldn't do many things. I decided to make lasagna after I had been married 4 years. I had all the ingredients out like a cooking show. I read through the recipe after every step. When I was done, I couldn't believe it. I then knew I could cook anything I wanted. I make baklava, spanakopita, Thai food, Chinese food, ramen, so many things. My parents were wrong. I can do more than they ever could have imagined. I tell my children they can and what do they need. I'm 58 and I'm crying because it still hurts.
Load More Replies... Going on long drives with no destination in mind. My mother was a tyrant that would get angry and abusive at the slightest things. Home life was horrible and school was just as bad with bullies. But every few weekends, my Dad would load me up in the car and take me for a drive..no where in particular. And at those times I felt free and happy. I never realized I continued the car trips even after getting married and having my son. I think it let me cope with being a mom (trying to be better than my mother was with me) and helped me to pass on that sense of freedom to my son.
My family and friends taught me this one: Getting out of the way. I was never anyones best friends, and if I got a friend they would move on and I wouldn’t see them again, and I’d make a new friend and it would start over. For my family, I let them interrupt me and ignore me because I feel that I’m not the favorite child and there are thing more important then me. I let people misuse me because that’s how I grew up. I get out of the way because there are more important things then me.
How my childhood screwed me up, let me count the ways. CPTSD, OCD, MaDD, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, ADD, Hypervigilance, Hyper focus, think I'm missing 1or 2 atm. My brain takes in so much information at times it will shut down and reboot. For a long time I thought something was wrong because I would always have to ask people to repeat themselves. The fear of being dependent on anyone ever again keeps me from spiraling. I'm independent high functioning chaos.
I stand on one foot in the shower. I grew up in rural MN and our furnace would die in the winter. The tub was so cold and hot water was not a guarantee. I stood on one foot because it was so cold in there. I still do it to this day and I have a warm house and all the hot water I want to pay for. Trauma is strange.
I talk about my problems and feelings to an imaginary person who lives in my mind. I also keep mental logs and file them away. I do all this because I don’t trust anyone even though I know them well enough
When I was a kid and often got cranky I got a piece of bread to make me feel better. Also when I was sent to the store for milk I was allowed to have a candybar. Developed a lifelong self soothing/rewarding habit using food. Have diabetes, on antidepressants, still the most calming/satisfying thing I can do is to eat a piece of bread. Hopeless.
Mine is the almost total inability to cry. I got the "stop crying or I'll give you something to really cry about!" Speech only taken the nth degree. As long as I was whimpering, tears flowing, sobbing, anything, I could get a whole new whupping, or continued in my face screaming. So now it is very rare to see me cry . I want to, I feel like I need to, are am about to but,it usually never happens. Be
I flinch at almost anything because my younger sister (2 years younger) would hit me a lot and still does.
I have a problem. A couple of problems. And idk if I'm in a healthy situation right now or not, but I don't know if it's something I should vent about to random strangers on the internet or keep to myself. Uhhh lemme know if you guys want to know
If you want to talk about it, there are people here who will listen. Without knowing your story, I will say this: if you're questioning whether your current situation is healthy, chances are strong it's not. Many people get into bad relationships (not always romantic), but feel they don't deserve better, so they accept it as "normal". If a friend was in your place, what would you tell them? Treat yourself like someone you love, and eventually you'll see that you deserve that love.
Load More Replies... learning to say no and spending half my life not doing things that would stress my mom. why? because my two older siblings were s**t and did some awful things that would stress my divorced mom who was working 2-3 jobs to keep us fed and in a decent home. passed up some things i wanted to do as an adult because i knew my mom would be stressed and i didn't want to worry her. eventually got over this and by that time she may not have been stressed but definitely didn't approve.
I can relate to every one of these. Had abusive father and mom didn't interfere. Because I believed physical violence was *Normal* I moved out right after hs graduation into my ex husband's house who was also abusive. Then had two more abusive relationships, the last one held a knife to my throat. I experience dissociation, high anxiety, hypervigilance,
My coping mechanism is to always have evidence of where I have been and things I have done. Keeping meticulous records has helped me in my career, but my partner thinks it is weird that I keep every single for 90 days and log of where I have been, how long I stayed and sometimes how many miles I drove. I always had to account for 100% of my time with my parents and they would sometimes as me for proof of where I had been. It is a shame that I haven't lived there for 31 years and I still do it.
Well i also almost always walk on my toes since i was like 7 and never understand why. But when I grow up i realised that it just takes less energy to walk, climb the stairs, even during hiking. It's practical you should try it
Both my parents abused me growing up. Im the oldest and the only girl in the family. I was beaten by my mom bc she blamed me for her getting pregnant on their wedding night (so she's told me). My dad tried to get me to do sexual things with him and my three brothers tried as well. My family would constantly would tell me that I am fat, stupid, useless (even though I was raising my brothers and going to school and cooking and cleaning). I can't take stress well sometimes so I shut down and get angry with everyone and shut down and won't talk to anyone till I calm down.
I started to take on other people's feelings and problems as a way to invalidate and ignore my own.
I related to way too many of these. The worst is that I always had to pretend I wasn't in intense pain because it just didn't matter to my mother. I had an earache for two months when I was ten or eleven and the only reason she took me to the doctor was because I embarrassed her by crying in church from the pain. Same with a cracked rib and elbow from falling when I was fourteen. Or the time I cut my leg bad enough I should have had stitches, but we were going to a wedding and she didn't want to look like a bad mom so she made me wear dress pants in the summer to hide it. Now, I never go to the doctor unless I cry from pain in public because I've dealt with worse and it never seems bad enough. Or the night I spent awake in pain, crying and pacing in the bathroom because I didn't dare wake her up and two months later spending six hours laying on the ground crying after my sister jumped on me only to finally find out my appendix had been leaking for quite awhile.
I must have been very lucky, I had some wonderful teachers in my life, and some wonderful women who were 'family friends' who helped me. At school I had a good friend and her mother was also wonderful for me. I learned from these women how to behave in society and public> Both of my parents would have been diagnosed nowadays as Asperger's so I certainly did NOT learn social behaviour from them I do regret that we never lived near my maternal grandmother who was the most wonderful kind person
I used to hide from my mother. When she was angry (with any of my sisters) she would seek me out to be cross with me. The best hiding place was to take a book and hide up a tree near our place. In the house I was always afraid she'd find me. Then the lovely neighbours used to let me walk their dog -- an afternoon spent with a good dog, just walking the districts was very calming,.
My parents were/are marijuana farmers/smokers since mid 70s. We had a greenhouse for 13 years and I often helped them grow the plants. Watering, transplanting, etc. Downside to this was the 80-90s views of smokers/marijuana. My parents told no one and quite obviously expected me to do the same with my school peers. Otherwise I'd face the consequences of my parents being arrested, me being kicked out of school, etc. And because of this pattern of secrecy I was never allowed to have friends over, not even in my house. Anyone was allowed on the curb though. But my school environment was such that it didn't really facilitate friend-making anyway. So I didn't have real friends until high school, when it became slightly more acceptable to be weedy. But growing up like that has taught me ways of determining who's chill/who's lame to be around when I tell them about my background. If someone's really gung ho about weed it's like ok, cool but whatever still it's just weed.
"What would you do if you won the lottery?" - "Well" I say, "I know a goodly chunk of it is going to therapy..." - as an adult, realizing the **NUMEROUS** things that aren't normal and were actually rather... abusive... and the confusion and almost denial when the therapist/counselor would say: "But you're intelligent" - even WRITING that a therapist said that to me is hard for me now because I feel like I'm writing a lie.
I'm really sad seeing I have a lot of these behaviours. I'm not sad at all because I'm in a healing process - to process the emotions and the anger helps to understand why some things are as they are. But I'm sad I don't want kids on my own. I'm married for 10 years and I don't think I'm able to be a good mom. It's more important to get focused on my own healing for now. All happiness for you, fellas ♥️
This post is beyond depressing. I couldn't get through the first few and I was out. Nope. Uh uh.
Honestly, in my 15 years as a therapist I have one rule: you aren't healed until you've paid cash for a dog in a pub. It could be as little as £50 but exchanging greasy notes for a clearly stolen puppy with a toothless Irish harridan is the starting point for treating ptsd. In Iraq I killed an entire funeral to settle a bet and it haunted me until I bought Pickled Onion (my dog).
I am concerned that I related to a lot of these and that I'm not in therapy 😖
Coping mechanisms are “normal”, everyone uses them all the time, please update title
These are all signs of abuse. Maybe you should re-evaluate what you think is normal.
Load More Replies... Growing up I considered it normal for my mum to have 'eaten whilst she cooked it' and only later found it was a coping mechanism for being poor and when you're a parent you don't put yourself at the top of the eating order above your kids. I also thought it was normal for your parents to have so many parties involving alcohol... turns out that was just a coping mechanism for having kids xd
