35 Behaviors That Were Turned Into Red Flags But Actually Don’t Mean Anything, According To Folks In This Online Group
There are so many weird and creepy people around that look and act normal at first, but when you talk to them some more or even become friends or start a relationship with them, you realize that they are quite toxic or crazy. After a couple of these experiences, you start to look for signs before committing to getting closer to that person.
There are a lot of common signs that are really telling, but we have started to demonize behaviors that don’t actually tell us anything and it's just a normal thing that many people do, including the bad people in your life.
Reddit user MuchDuck did us all a favor and asked people online “What is widely considered a red flag but actually is not?” allowing people who do certain things to defend themselves and for others to learn that sometimes healthy behaviors that may seem suspicious or unacceptable to us don’t mean that someone is a bad human being.
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I once met a girl who thought it was a red flag that I always placed my phone screen down on a table. She thought it meant I was hiding something. I had to try and explain that it's too big to keep in my pocket and it's screen down to be polite and show her that she has my undivided attention.
Although, I must admit, that her level of insecurity was a red flag to me.
This is a red flag on her part, can't be so paranoid about the littlest things.
Not having a social media presence. I’ve had multiple people tell me that my choice not to use social media was a huge red flag, but in reality I got rid of my accounts because they were making me miserable. I got rid of my Facebook/Instagram/twitter accounts two years ago, and have been noticeably happier ever since.
I love that I don’t have other SM 😍 just bored panda and YouTube. People always think it’s so weird but that’s ok . I’m happy 😊
Being independent, or even a loner. Sometimes we’re just shy and have poor social skills. We’re not “creeps” or “weird”. I just do my own thing and leave people alone for the most part unless they want me in their life.
Being alone does not mean being lonely. I suspect the ones who think it's weird are the ones who can't stand their own company...
Not responding to texts immediately.
No *Brenda* I'm not ghosting you, I am literally at work.
Single guy with a cat. I am NOT a monster god dammit.!!!
Not getting along with parents. Some parents are abusive, neglectful, or toxic to be around; and if an adult chooses not to be around that, good for them.
Of course, if a person is actively awful *to* their parents, that's another story.
And stop telling people who have little or NC with their abusive family that they're AH because "family is everything" ... It might be for you, but not all of us had a wonderful home life. Some of us were treat appallingly.
Not having many friends. im just very introverted not a weirdo.
Yes, being introverted is perfectly fine. Its just been ruined by people saying that they are introverts when they are not.
Not dating for several years, I’ve been told by girls that if a guy has been single for over five years that’s a problem.
So you’d prefer he’d be in 25 relationships in the last five years and wonder why all those relationships didn’t work out?
Sometimes, not dating is good. Sometimes, dating can be really good. However, get into the wrong relationship, and it is not good whatsoever.
Men having female friends. A lot of girls get jealous, but if it's a real friendship and not a bunch of exes and hookups, it actually shows women consider them reliable and good people to have around.
maledependasaid:
A man playing with a child at a playground
Grogosh added:
Decades of that stranger danger stuff ruined dads being out with their child. Sure its a legitimate threat but the real bad stuff happens because they already know the kid, in family, friends, etc.
SadPlayground said:
Being over 40 and never having been married.
newbuttonacc replied:
It's weird because by implication, it's "not being divorced"
Which is, by extension, "not having sworn a vow to be with someone forever and then broke that vow"
How is that a red flag? Idk.
I lived in a highly conservative area and people were treating me like a weirdo for not being married at 22. Knowing how stupid I was at 22, not getting married was easily the smartest thing I did.
Men that like children and babies. Why do we assume every guy that likes babies is a pervert and a woman can't be?
Agreed, there is a lot of sexism against women, but i feel as though there is also some against men that is disregarded.
smallemochick said:
not wanting your partner(s) to have the passwords to all your social media accounts
arturobear added:
It's just weird. My husband and I sometimes leave things open on shared devices and each of us, just respectfully logs out and logs in with our own credentials. We don't open each other's mail either.
There's a basic level of respect and trust you need to have in a relationship. If you feel the need to snoop, there's a lot more going on and the relationship has probably been on the rocks for a while. There are more mature ways to handle it - like being open with your feelings and having a frank conversation.
For me forcing other people to give you their passwords is a huge red flag AND a dealbreaker. I don't have anything to hide BUT I have conversations with people other than my partner where those people talk about their private matters, problems... in general, things which my partner shouldn't know because these secrets weren't entrusted him but for me. Also, there are some things I feel more comfortable talking with my friends or siblings than with my partner. Wanting unlimited access to someone's social medias is just childish and a sign of insecurity.
Girls with stuffed animals. It’s just comfort and habit. Not that deep.
Edit: I’m so glad so many others of all identities agree. Its so okay to enjoy comforting items at any age. So happy to see it. You deserve to find joy and comfort in the simple things.
living with family, in this day and age it’s just not feasible for everyone to have their own place.
Houses are so expensive to buy and to rent in Canada and it's so hard for a young adult to be able to afford to move out. I blame the greedy second/third home buyers which boosted the sale prices of homes, and now rent out at exuberant prices having the renter pay their mortgage, or have made them into those air bnb things. For young families, and many other families, the struggle is real.
Not wanting a relationship, or not wanting certain things in a relationship (sex included).
Not everyone wants the same things and not everyone likes the same things.
Understanding that not all criminals are bad people.
Sometimes I try to explain to people that maybe some criminals did what they did because of their circumstances and their weird understanding of how the world works. That does not necessarily make them a bad person.
I am met with such harsh criticism for this statement, like I'm the criminal here. I just "understand" them, I don't commit crimes like them.
At this point I've stopped explaining this to anyone I know without being anymomous.
I've been in prison. I committed a crime, and I deserved to be there. While I was there, I got therapy I desperately needed. Prison was a huge wakeup call, and I knew I had to change. It was very difficult, with a ton of soul-searching. Changing your life and making it stick is such hard work. There were times I thought I'd gone crazy; times I felt I didn't deserve to have any good in my life because I was such an evil person. Even after therapy, I haven't quit struggling. Even ten years later, there are times I'm so overwhelmed with guilt that I feel I deserve nothing but evil. I know I've changed. People who knew me throughout my prison years saw me change. People who knew me before, and know me now, tell me how much I've changed. It is possible. It's not easy, and many aren't able/willing to put in the work. For myself, I'm proud of how far I've come, and of the kind of woman I'm trying to become
Not wanting to spend every minute of every living day w your SO🙄
So relationships are implied but not explicitly specified. So I am going to expand this to employment.
Gaps in employment being seen as a red flag in a resume.
The amount of women I know that take it as a red flag that a guy doesn't pay for all dates/buy them things. I'm proud of what I have done with my life and that I can go do those things myself, I like a guy that treats me as an equal. That is not a red flag at all to me
Agreed, the man should not always have to pay. Both genders should pay 50/50. Its just common sense.
Well not 50/50 but pay what you eat. If one person has a hella expensive lobster meal and the other a simple salad, then the halfsies payment model is unfair.
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In olden days, when single women lived at home with their parents and weren't expected to work, and if they did have to work it would be due to financial hardship and most likely a low-paying job, and single men were expected to work and were paid substantially more, this dating rule made sense. It no longer makes sense, and I'm glad it's disappearing. Just because something is traditional doesn't make it sacred. I pay for most of our "date nights" because I'm still working and my husband is retired on a limited income. It makes more sense. A woman who insists on her partner always paying is waving a huge red flag of her own She's either harboring misguided gender expectations, a gold-digger or financially unstable. None of which bode well for a long term relationship.
The way I look at it is whoever asks you out pays, and there should be no pressure of obligation to expect more to come of the date. I'd be absolutely terrified to be dating today when men don't want to pay for a date they initiated, then get angry, just because the girl finds she's not interested in pursuing anything further. Now, if I initiated the date, then I would expect to pay for the date. I feel there would be a double standard. What would happen if I reacted the same way if the guy ends up not being interested? Would it be kosher for me to demand he pay for the date in compensation for "wasting" my time, like some men see it as? But perhaps the communication can start beforehand, such as an agreement to split the bill. It's always good to come prepared. Going out to an affordable spot for the first and second date would cushion any blows to egos and budgets.
I have always paid my way or at least offered to...I'm a human being like everyone else and I'm not entitled to someone else paying my way.
It's easier for me because I'm gay, but I date women, and I'm used to whomever asks the other out pays in the beginning. As the relationship progresses, it's whoever has it. I'm not paying for every day just because I'm butch, although I will open a door or two.
Yeah just because you're butch doesn't mean you have to act like the "gentleman". I couldn't stand my friends partner because they would act like a jerky douche if they were denied acting like a "gentleman". They literally got upset and raised their voice to her because "I'm supposed to carry heavy things and open doors for you". No no P, you're supposed to be equal partners with her and not act like an àss.
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The women who want men to pay for the first date are the same women who scream how independent they are and tell us how they don't need no man. If you don't need a man.. then prove it. Pay for his dinner. Or pay for just yours.
No I always thought it was normal to go Dutch, because I'm Dutch, but my ex would not take my money. He refused. He had to pay. I felt so bad. But it's better. After we divorced I went out with guys who wanted me to pay all and I did, but you could take care of them and they refused to work. One wanted to split. No problem, but it's so stingy and just shows you don't really care about someone. You only care about money. He also asked me how much I made. No money wise ex was the best. We never have problems about money. We both want no child support, but I have helped him out and he has helped me out when he got more. Someone who cares about money is a red flag and also someone who wants you to pay, so I get how you're thinking and tbh I would advice my son to not go for a woman who always wants him to pay, but take one who really wants to pay, yet still pay for her. My ex paid all the food for months until he had no cent left and then he got my savings.
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I explained to my son that if he asks someone out then he pays unless she requests to go dutch. I firmly believe too that if someone asked my son out, then she should pay unless he requests dutch too. It's really just that simple
When my boyfriend and i go out (3 months) I feel bad about him paying for things for me so we usually make a deal like you get this…. And I’ll get this…. And we usually spend about the same amount and it doesn’t put pressure on one person or the other, and it makes it easier than making two separate purchases
That was one huge reason why I broke up with my last girlfriend before I started seeing my now-wife. My ex had expectations for me to pay everything, and that eventually she would be a housewife with me paying for everything. Now, I wouldn't have a problem with that if my circumstances allowed it (they didn't, and still don't), but it was the sense of entitlement that came with this "goal" of hers. She had grown up spoiled and felt that her time in the workforce was only temporary until she got married, upon which she would become spoiled again.
Not to sound like an AH but yeah, women wanted equal rights, which it should be, but then get upset when men don't follow the traditions that arose in the unequal days.
It depends, but I do agree that costs should be around 50/50, perhaps a little more skewed if one makes a lot more than the other. Things like birthday dinners could still be one or the other's treat. Both should still occasionally buy nice things for one another (even something like, "I know you like this chocolate, so I got you some". Doesn't have to be expensive).
It is a really tough call, some women wants a "gentleman" and expect you to pay, whereas that behaviour is seen as an insult for the woman who wants to send a signal that she is independent. I would either go with splitting the cost, or a rule of the one inviting (and hence indirectly choosing the price level) is also the one paying, and then you can take turns inviting. Making the male always pays for everything, I consider to be an outdated practice, and it introduces a nasty unequalness to the relationship and an indirect pressure for "compensation" from the woman's part, which might guilt her into doing something she does not really want. I don't like the concept of buying a date like that, or the risk of being exploited for my wallet that comes with it. Clear lines will cause much less confusion and doubts, and being in for the same amount and on the same conditions, I see as the best way to avoid those feelings.
If I was better off financially, I paid especially if I was the one arranging the dates. It isn't fair to penalize someone who wants to be with you but can't afford it financially. It is called respect.
There are ways around that. A date does not nessesarily mean visiting an expensive restaurant and drinking pricy wine. It can just as well be a walk on the beach, and if you insist on food being involved, it can be a home cooked diner consisting of the cheap cuts but cooked in just the right way (which normally mean adding a lot of love and letting it simmer for hours to make a tasty stew). The quality of a date should be more about the person you spend time with, rather than the amount of money you can spend, so with a bit of creativity you can make some awsome low budget dates.
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It’s more of a red flag for me if the man aggressively keeps insisting on paying.
A guy paying for everything goes back about 30 years. Time are so different that females can actually make more money and want equality that this should not even be a thing.
Ladies be financially independent. Better we don't expect him to pay for our meals and he doesn't expect anything else in exchange for the dough spent...
That is a very old fashioned way of thinking , depends on occasion, who earns more women want equality so why can't they treat the guy
IMO the two genuine red flags are someone who expects you to pay for everything, and someone who refuses to let you pay for anything.
Agreed. But keep in mind that women not only make less salary than men, they have far more expenses (make-up, hygiene products, pantyhose, hair products,...) than men. So, maybe, picking up the tab should be based on salary/expenses.
Having an incompatible zodiac sign does not justify treating someone like a red flag. Please stop this madness....
Not answering the phone or the door just because someone is calling or knocking. Once upon a time if you couldn’t get a hold of your friend or family member right away you assumed they were already busy doing something and you found something else to do. If it was of actual importance you would leave a BRIEF message describing why you called.
Now if I don’t jump up off the toilet just to see who is knocking on my front door or calling my landline (I have bad cell reception where I live) without texting first people act like I’m dead or I’m being an a*****e. It’s so easy to text first that if you refuse to do it, I find *that* a red flag.
Not wanting drama. It doesn't mean I cause drama, I've lived with drama and I truly won't put up with it, life is too short.
TruthProfessional340 said:
Going to therapy
DetectiveBennett added:
Considering less than just two generations ago it wasn’t just a red flag but considered as admission of being really damaged, I don’t think society has accepted that it’s actually a good thing just yet. Boomers definitely used to think going to therapy/being in the “looney bin” was sign they were a bad person and I don’t think they’ve really seen the light on that yet. Hopefully our generations will completely break through these prejudices.
Wanting and expecting your privacy to stay intact. I don't want my partner having my computer/phone passwords and I sure as hell don't want him snooping through my phone. I'm not hiding anything, but I am entitled to my privacy, and so is my partner.
Yes. I'm an extremely private person. I have nothing to hide but my business is my business
Not going to college
I plan to go personally but some people dont. I've been raised to believe people who go to college have their life together or are smarter than the average person. I've learned pretty quickly that people who don't go to college aren't stupid or anything. Some just have a different life path or can't afford it or found a job or buisness that works out better than any colleges opportunities would've given.
College doesn't define a person's worth. It's just an expensive tool to get some people where they want to be.
Agreed, in the past years i have reconsidered if college is even worth it, with how much debt it puts you into.
Not posting pictures with friends on your dating profile. Some people assume you’re anti-social and not pleasant to be around, but I choose not to because I feel weird to post pictures of other people than myself.
I would think it's weird to post pics of your friends... it's a dating site, why would one ever post anyone other than just themselves.
Being quiet.
Everyone thinks I’m autistic or a nerd or something. I have no f*****g clue. I kind of shut up about it because I don’t care and I’m not there to try and prove to anyone anything or tell them they are wrong. It’s actually a good filter for me actually. But every one that works with me, or has to be around me for a long enough time, over time, realizes I’m a pretty cool dude and like to do fun s**t.
Someone even told me, “ya know mathaiser, I thought you were a huge dork but you’re actually pretty cool.”
So, what red flag is that? Being kinda quiet/shy. Just because I’m not pressing whatever advantage or peacocking there is, kinda adds to my quality imo. But I don’t think about it like that either. Just trying to explain it.
Could not agree more. I see that trend on tiktok and other social media that's like, "when the quiet kid gets insulted", and basically its always just the quiet kid getting stereotyped into being violent/ weird.
Setting personal boundaries.
I'm not a cuddler but that doesn't mean I don't want you near me. People don't get that.
AngelsOfWar01 said:
Being weird in an innocent way. Like society shuns anyone who thinks outside a set of parameters. When really its just a different way to view the world.
Thrillhouse-14 replied:
Agree. I also don't know why everyone feels the need to try and diagnose weirdness as autistic or ADHD or whatever, too. Why does there need to be an excuse for it? And why would a literal disability be the only thing to absolve that? People need to stop trying to railroad others just because they don't understand them. Some people are just built differently. They don't have to understand it, they just have to respect it.
I happen to yell 'SLAYER!' really loud every.single.time, someone says the word or I talk about the band....yes, people look and think I'm crazy.... I do love Slayer...and it is Slayer, soooooo....but I'm a grandma now so maybe its not acceptable anymore 🤣🤣 🤣. SLAYER! 🤘
Not owning a car. Idk how that's a red flag for some people, but personally I think public transport is superior
It depends on the area. Where I live, there is some public transportation, but it's infrequent. It would take 3 hours to get somewhere by bus that I can drive to in 20 minutes. So, yeah, not having a car where I live would be weird. When I lived in a big city, I didn't even own a car.
Jealousy. It’s a human emotion. Feeling jealousy isn’t a red flag. Now, punching the wall, or taking that feeling of jealousy out on a person IS a red flag.
Not having any prior sexual or relationship experience
You've got to start somewhere....but I see how this could be a red flag. Talk to each other on the phone, voice to voice. Ask questions - it won't take but a few questions to figure this out. You can't hide crazy!
Being “clingy”. Now ACTUALLY being clingy and overstepping boundaries IS a red flag. But these days a lot of things that are perceived as clingy are just people showing genuine interest as opposed to trying to “play it cool.” Just my opinion though.
The red flag about no friends or being a loner etc bugs me especially at Christmas. Every TV advert shows Christmas with friends and family, being the life and soul of the party and no one says it is OK to be alone (not lonely) at Christmas.
I stopped celebrating christmas YEARS ago, but every year still, without failure, someone says I can come over to theirs. I appreciate the concern, but I WANT to be alone that day, making myself some good food. I work in retail, so I have long-a$$ days in December, plus working until the evening before. I NEED and CRAVE those 3 days off to myself.
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The people who think These are red flags seam to be very insecure or full of red flags themselves
Agreed. And some of them also transpired some moral superiority which might be the red flag for me.
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My husband and I sleep in separate rooms. No, we're not in trouble, we have different schedules and he has sleep apnea. He likes the TV on all night, I sleep with white noise that makes him have to pee. We do different things when we're tired but have the most fun together otherwise. It's been awesome 😁
If we live in a world where not wanting to do something insignificant immediately, being linked to the internet 24/7 or (worse) wanting to play with your children are deemed to be red flags then I really think it's those who THINK this way that are the issue...
The red flag about no friends or being a loner etc bugs me especially at Christmas. Every TV advert shows Christmas with friends and family, being the life and soul of the party and no one says it is OK to be alone (not lonely) at Christmas.
I stopped celebrating christmas YEARS ago, but every year still, without failure, someone says I can come over to theirs. I appreciate the concern, but I WANT to be alone that day, making myself some good food. I work in retail, so I have long-a$$ days in December, plus working until the evening before. I NEED and CRAVE those 3 days off to myself.
Load More Replies... The people who think These are red flags seam to be very insecure or full of red flags themselves
Agreed. And some of them also transpired some moral superiority which might be the red flag for me.
Load More Replies... My husband and I sleep in separate rooms. No, we're not in trouble, we have different schedules and he has sleep apnea. He likes the TV on all night, I sleep with white noise that makes him have to pee. We do different things when we're tired but have the most fun together otherwise. It's been awesome 😁
If we live in a world where not wanting to do something insignificant immediately, being linked to the internet 24/7 or (worse) wanting to play with your children are deemed to be red flags then I really think it's those who THINK this way that are the issue...
