30 People Share The Dead Wrong Things Their Parents Taught Them, And There Is Actual Wisdom In Their Realizations
As kids, we see our parents as all-knowing people. However, as the years pass, we realize that our moms and dads are just regular humans after all, and that they too don't have all the answers. So we start looking elsewhere.
There's an interesting study published in the British Journal of Political Science, based on data from the U.S. and U.K., which found that parents who are insistent that their children adopt their political views inadvertently influence their children to abandon the belief once they become adults.
This can be explained by the fact that children who come from homes where politics is a frequent topic of discussion are more likely to talk about politics once they leave home, exposing them to new viewpoints—which they then adopt with surprising frequency.
Similar transformations happen in other areas as well. To get a better understanding of them, Reddit users u/nousername1982 and u/ZestyClose_Ad4682 recently started threads asking people to share the things their parents taught them that turned out to be totally wrong. Here are some of the responses, ranging from romantic relationships to personal finance, that we thought might be interesting and worthy of your time.
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"If a boy acts like a jerk, it means he likes you!"
No...just no...
First of all, he shouldn't be let off the hook for acting like a jerk. (Whether he's 5 or 105.) Secondly, it teaches girls that abuse is okay, or that they should expect to be treated like crap (and that it's okay for them to be treated like crap.)
I swear this was initially an embarrassment tactic for the boys to stop pestering girls and it originally stopped being said to the boys at "courting" age. (I put quotes because it's so cheesy and old-fashioned to say "courting", and not something I say normally.)
That sex, sexuality, drinking/drugs/partying, politics, money, spirituality are awkward things to discuss. I want my future kids to know facts and that if they are ever in trouble, I am a safe place for them. We don't have to talk about it if they don't want to, they'll be taught how to be safe, but they should also know that these subjects are a part of life and should not cause shame.
I didn't have a safe place to talk about anything, so I made sure I am the safe place for my kid, too. Nothing will shock me. I will not judge, just listen. However, some things do need to be talked about no matter if anyone wants to hear it or not.
We managed to get in touch with one of the Redditors that sparked this discussion, u/nousername1982 and they agreed to have a talk about their post and parenting in general.
"I don't really [remember] what I was doing exactly [when I came up with the idea to ask the internet this question]," they told Bored Panda.
"But, I have kids myself who are very curious and ask questions all the time. I made a promise to myself to be as honest with them as possible (without spoiling Christmas). But sometimes it is difficult to give a genuine answer because the truth would make something more difficult to accept. I've seen many Redditors posting about parents telling them they 'can do anything.' I believe those motivational speeches are essential for a child. Probably most of the stories were a variation of that."
If you stop reacting, they'll stop bullying you.
This hits hard. It was the teachers and daycare staff that were saying this trash to me, though. My mom sorta ignored it and thought I was doing something to cause other kids to bully me. No support. Nothing. This carries into adulthood. Eventually you stop caring what other people think but there is a stronger need to be heard the loudest, so you end up repeating the injustices you experience in life to friends and family until they acknowledge your plight, which never happens because you're being a downer, an attention-seeker, and a boring repeater. But you're not really trying to be any of that. You just want to understand why people are shitty towards you of all people.
Lack of empathy. My parents grew up in a really really horrible situation and they made it out and did well for themselves. So now anytime anyone struggles they refuse to feel bad for them because they have gone through worse and did fine. I think people deserve empathy regardless.
I don't know this guy's story or where he comes from, if he's homeless or has a home and struggling with something. I was at Subway and saw him chatting with the staff. He left with nothing. As soon as I started asking what he wanted they said he wanted food, and that he comes in frequently and they used to give him free food but can't continue doing that. I was going to buy him something if that was the case. I was a bit hesitant hearing that it's been a regular occurrence but then I thought I've been homeless and hungry before. Why the hell not. I bought a $10 gift card for them to use it towards him the next time he shows up. If he doesn't show up, someone's got a free gift card regardless and that is just fine.
u/nousername1982 thinks that parents and their kids every now and then simply end up on different terms. "Sometimes parents have priorities that kids don't understand, like 'Why are they always having to work that much?' Truth is, at least in my case, I don't have to work that hard, but I'm motivated to advance my career. I'm not working to pay for the food, house, or toys. I'm working for the extras."
"Also, most parents strive to have an easy life, which is sometimes difficult to combine with kids. You don't want to tell your kids they can't have something because mom or dad doesn't want to make the effort," the Redditor continued. "My parents told me I had to quit my favorite sport because of a kid that was dealing drugs in the club. Later, I realized it was because the drive was too much of a hassle. The drug dealer had little to do in the decision."
That parents never have to apologize to their kids.
I love my dad. He is a great dad and I know he loves me so much, but he has it in his head that even now, even when his youngest (me) is an adult, that he doesn't need to apologize if he does something wrong. It's baffling.
Same here. Mine barely uses basic manners with me. She does with everyone else. Just not me.
Math and science aren’t gonna serve a girl well.
I would had killed to have someone reared me into STEM when I was younger.
I wish I had more access to electronics and the computer and internet.
Even though the idea of lying to your kids sounds harsh at first, a study published in the International Journal of Psychology found that 84 percent of the American parents surveyed do it to get them to behave. This is also known as 'instrumental lying.'
While the decision when to use it is ultimately up to the parents, there are certain situations where it's considered more acceptable. For instance, the fictional story of Santa Claus is universally known, and many young children learn it from their moms and dads. So long as they're not using Santa to threaten the little ones into behaving, it's perfectly fine. Interestingly, one study, published in Child Psychiatry and Human Development, discovered that children who eventually found out the truth about Santa Claus reacted positively to the news.
"Respect your elders" but in the sense that you should just keep quiet when you disagree with somebody older than you - turns out many people are awful regardless of their age. Don't get me wrong, my default is to respect any new person I meet, but when a person has repeatedly shown me that they don't are about my feelings or even basic logic, I won't hold back from speaking my mind calmly, even if they see this as disrespectful.
My grandad taught me that respect is earned, there is no situation where respect is to be given just because. You don't just get respect from being old. He was a man I respected, and he earned it multiple times over.
Finish your plate. B*tch that is what all that Tupperware is for.
Yep. I see people talk about how that's the way they were raised and they do it to their kids. They're rather proud of it too.
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That's what i told my mom and she called me ridiculous. My parents did that and then went around and body-shamed us.
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Yeah, over-fill a plate for your kid and insist they keep eating after they're full, and then reward them with a sugar filled desert for overeating. Then when they're overweight, shame them for overeating, which you trained them to do. SMH
Exactly!! Kids have smaller stomachs and some just don't eat alot. Give a small portion and if they want more then give more
Load More Replies... My step-mom was stupid about over-supplying food and guilting us into eating everything. This was nonexistent at home. I'm glad I didn't have to live with her.
I was brought up by people whose peers at school were not always able to eat. Expecting children to eat everything is a product of that.
This one is hard for me, I had periods in my life where I was literally starving to death. Food is sacred to me, and I recognize that this is a First World cultural difference, but it's very hard for me to see food wasted. It tears at me. I'm okay saving food for later, but throwing it away makes me physically ill. My daughter asked me about weird things I've eaten, she has a very american pallet, and I told her I've eaten everything from dogs to rodents to insects. Why, she asked. When you're hungry, you don't ask what you're eating, and you don't say no. I try not to cook more than they will eat, or get too "exotic" with their meals. If they can't finish, I won't force feed them, but I don't let them throw it away. It has to be eaten at some point, even if it's me doing the eating. Maybe it's wrong, but I can't let it go.
Same here. Kids don't get take more that they want and throw it away. Food is a gift from God and is sacred. Especially if you've gone hungry. My kids got that food wrapped up then served the next meal until it was gone. They only did it once. They are very cultured eaters now. They also were not allowed to take three bites of pizza throw it away then get another slice. Even kids that visited were told, "if you take it, you eat it"
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Unfortunately very common, especially in lower and middle income homes. Imagine doing this with thirst, the bathroom, or regulating body temperature. It's harmful because it teaches us our sensations shouldn't be listened to.
Nope nope nope. Teaches bad eating habits that can lead to eating disorders. Never ever fight about food.
You're one of those Karens who slips Tupperware in restaurants? Nobody like them. I'm an asian, we're grateful for the food in our table, and respectful to the host who invited us, we always finish our plates. Probably you just need to learn to take portion that you can finish instead of hoarding sh*t in your plate.
I've sat at the dinner table many entire Saturdays because I didn't want anymore food at lunch but wasn't allowed to leave until I ate it. Thank God for my big brother!
This is a decent lesson though in not putting more on your plate than you'll eat. Food waste is insane. Though I realize that's not always how it's used.
Yeah thanks for breaking that part of me that instinctually knows when you've had enough. It took a long time to understand that you didn't stop eating just because you were full. Just not being hungry anymore is fine. Being forced to fall asleep at the table because i didn't finish my plate. Took a long time to undo that. My kid has a few decent options on their plate, eat what you want and when you're done your done. That's no arguing or using dessert as a reward or punishment. It's just food, there will, God willing, always be more because i will make sure of it. I'm doing everything i can to do things different. Even then i wonder if doing all this I'm still somehow screwing it up.
Damn right finish your plate. This 2 bite I'm done and then an hour later raiding the fridge s**t has had it's f*****g run.
My niece does this junk. She claims that she doesnt like most of the things on that her parents make for dinner. So after she throws a crying fit about being forced to eat something she “doesnt like” my SIL will make her a whole other meal, or an hour after dinner my niece will be asking for a snack. This is way different than heaping a plate full of food and expecting your kid to eat more than their stomach can handle.
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Tupperware is used to remember the color of the spaghetti sauce you put in there when you 1st got the set!
My parents taught us we should always leave something on the plate even if it was just a single grain of rice. We could definitely ask for seconds (or thirds etc) if we were hungry, but we couldn't finish our last plate. I really like it, but I still feel I can just eat to satisfaction and not feel guilty for not cleaning the plate.
On the other hand you have my mom chronic dieting and hating on herself in front of you all day long, that is just as bad if not worse. Gave me multiple eating disorders. That behavior stops with me.
If they leave food because they are full, and 10 seconds later want pudding. They get the plate back.
I dont hold to the idea that you should make a grown-up meal and a kid meal. My daughter is four, and she eats what we eat. The important thing is that we know our daughter doesnt eat big meals; never has. It’s not a case of over-snacking, she just eats til she’s full, then she’s done, which sometimes isnt a lot. Knowing this, i put appropriately-sized portions on her plate, and she almost always eats it all. When she doesnt eat it all we check her plate, and if we feel she hasnt eaten enough, we implement the “one more bite” rule, rather than forcing her to sit there and lick her plate clean.
Um no I disagree. For one telling your child to finish their plate is NOT lying. There's plenty of kids who don't have loving parents or a bite to eat, so finish you dam plate and be grateful for the food you've received. Plus when I tell my kids to finish or at least eat most of their plate, it's because I love them and they need to eat a complete well balanced meal, not just the dam noodles. Period.
I hate throwing away food,but my acid reflux is very picky and temperamental. And my Dad always guilts me by saying the people in Africa are starving so never waste your food. He would show me videos of people who were just bones and lived on the streets.it makes me feel guilty for being born in America,I have electricity, food, clean water, shelter, healthcare,and what did I do to earn it? I have no room to complain or to be lazy. Is that normal,to feel like I shouldn't have what I do and feel guilty when I take what I have for granted?
When I ws small it ws *children are starting Korea.* Thanks Mom for a lifetime of weight problems.
Not only finish, it you had to eat things you didn't like. "At least try some." Has it changed from the last time?
The rule in our house was take all you want but eat all you take. Seconds are available.
Welcome to early indoctrination to the lovely world of disordered eating!! /s
The first time I ever was told I didn't have to eat everything on my plate was the strangest thing. It was at a restaurant for my birthday with my boyfriend and his family. I literally hugged his mom and cried when she dropped me a doggy bag.
I have always thought that it's dumb to force kids to finish their plate. That's just teaching unhealthy habits. Instead, teach your kids to save their food and to eat leftovers which so many people struggle to do
I hate when people say ‘there are children starving.’ Yes; unfortunately there are but finishing my plate will not help them.
and that's how people end up with eating disorders. IF their meal contained something they found disgusting, they'd eat around it. how would they feel if they went for a meal at a friends house, and were forced to eat something that makes them feel sick.
I'm solely responsible for there being hungry children in Africa according to my mother
No Tupperware growing up but a sister who wouldn't eat. The doctor was shocked when my mom took her in. He'd never seen malnourished children in Canada. She's still a poor eater in her 60's.
The shut up and eat it diet has actually done permanent damage. I don't have IBS - I'm lactose intolerant. (And I'm allergic to shellfish.) Lived on frosted flakes for years. I came to think feeling sick and miserable (I was "grumpy" and moody and treated for depression) was my normal state. My parents were clueless and EVERY DOCTOR THAT SAW ME WHILE I WAS A CHILD SHOULD LOSE THEIR LICENSE BEFORE THEY DO MORE HARM BY IGNORING CHILDRENS COMPLAINTS AND SYMPTOMS AND JUST CHATTING WITH THE PARENT FOR THE WHOLE VISIT .... come to think of it they're probably all dead by now
My parents tried to force me to eat my peas once. I threw them up. Never had that problem again. I just didn't get peas again. They didn't have any problems with my hoovers(brothers) not eating, though. 😂😂😂
I get where the lesson comes from (ancestors who survived the depression) but now I'm an overeater. That was fine when I was young and skinny.. but now.. I'm struggling to lose gained weight and I wish I'd never been made to feel guilt when a meal results in leftovers on my plate. ;(
I'm 75 and I have had life long struggles with food due to this issue.
Children aren't equipped intellectually to determine what foods are good for them. Left to their own devices it would be sugary meals. It's incumbent for parents to create diets and menus that address the nutritional requirements of growing children. How? Cook with them.
Hello ... nutrition! Kids tend to eat the food they prefer and avoid stuff that's good for them. Parents insisting we eat our broccoli? They're looking after us.
My parents still do that, as of like yesterday because I refused to eat my lobster ravioli!
I hated that mindset as a kid. As a young parent I read something about how much a little kid should eat and my Pediatrician confirmed that a kid up to four should only be served a tablespoon of food per year of life. After that they'll eat how much their body needs (unless they have developmental issues and then you might have to try a lot of things to figure out how much they need and how to get them to eat it.) If you let the kid figure things out naturally they don't get eating problems later but if you make food a conflict issue that opens a path to eating disorders, body image issues, and/or battles of will over every little thing.
A picky eater posted this one i bet. Imma teach my kids to be thankful for their food. They dont have ro finish it but they shouldnt complain. My little brother whines and whines and whines hes full when he doesnt like the *look* of something on his plate. We let him put it up and he comes running for sweets and snacks and will just eat and eat on those trans fats.
My mom cooks like crazy, always overfeed us, thats how she shows love a d if you dont finish, There is no duscusdion about you talking half of her tupperware stash full of leftovers home! Seriously she prepared IKEA bag full of food Just for me
I dont do the whole "theyre are ppl in the world dying of hunger" thing with my kids.im sorry i dont think is fair to shame them for having food on theyre table. i do encourage eating until your belly says ur full and just be done.get a snack later if you get hungry.i guess because i was forced to "eat everything that was on my plate"when i was a kid i really dont like doing that to my children.
My dad force-feeds me even though my mom is telling him that's bad and they get in fights a lot
Annnnd all the crap in our food. The FDA is a joke
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Also it's just so unhealthy especially in America where we are dealing with a obesity epidemic.
If I didnt eat everything at dinner then I woild get the unfinished food the next day (and the next day for things I really didint like). I now always eat everything on my plate, which is fine when I get to choose my meal size but otherwise causes me to overeat. It still causes me problems when my mother serves me food and I tell her I'm not eating that.
The reverse of that is you have parents that will say don't worry I'll make you something else. Those kids end up picky eaters than only eat chicken nuggets.
If you don’t finish it, save it for later. This is something my dad had a lot of trouble with when I was younger. He always tried to make me finish my meals with sometimes undesired results.
I always hated that as a kid. I do expect my kids to clear their plate now, but its because I tell them only take what you can eat, we can put the rest in the fridge for later. They have enough experience with their appetites now to know what they are going to be able to eat.
This was my first thought when I saw the article title - hard habit to break as an adult
I remember how much I cried once when my dad told me to finish my plate, and I was stuffed full. Having an Italian mom, me and my siblings always get a bunch of food, plus some. It's perfectly fine to not finish your dinner, but it's not okay to waste food for no reason. There's a balance.
I was raised in a clean your plate family but also got in trouble if I took portions that were too big, even called a hog. Got put on diets too. Yet as a teen when we went to dinner at a buffet, I got a small steak, a baked potato, and a small salad. I was trying to eat what I thought was a healthy dinner, with smaller portions. My mother told me to go back and get more food because she knew how much I could eat and she was going to get what she paid for. I still have issues with food now at 37.
The point of this is to teach you a lesson in moderation, to not be greedy, and to stop and think without letting your baser monkey brain control you. The hope is that next time you won't be so thoughtlessly gluttonous. Obviously everyone agreeing with this never learned their lesson and instead lost to a fatal and basic human flaw: Staunch refusal to admit that you aren't so great and you are capable of thoughtless actions that can be corrected for. That means admitting that you suck and putting in effort to correct a small facet of what makes you suck to make yourself that much less of a tragic mess. Thumbs down for the jejune thoughts behind this post.
Of course sweetie you don't have to eat the meal I cooked for you. As long as you can snack processed foods with added sugar and fats while watching tiktok it's fine. Empower your voice sweetie.
you could just talk to them instead of force-feeding them. you"re probably one of those people who wonders why so many kids are obese after forcing them to eat too much of something
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Completely ignoring the fact that YOU don't have good nutritional education. Your parents were doing what they felt was best. They wanted you to understand value and learn to not waste food THAT YOU DIDN'T PAY OR WORK FOR.
It's meant to teach you not to take more than you can eat, not to become a fat pig. Because you don't have basic knowledge is not a reason to blame your parents
"you put too much on your plate, instead of saving it for later so you don't waste it and will eat it another time I'm going to make you eat too much so you don't become a pig"
Load More Replies...However, it's important to remember that there are other ways to go about it. Although parental lying is common, too much of it may lead to negative long-term effects. In a study where the researchers surveyed 379 young Singaporean adults who reported their parents lying during their childhood, they discovered that the participants who were lied to as children were more likely to lie to their parents as adults.
The study also suggested that parental dishonesty can create trust issues and problems externalizing certain emotions, like aggression.
That crying is shameful.
I had a tendency of crying to easily when i was younger so now nobody takes me seriously when i am in visible distress
That you need to hustle 100% of the time and be constantly busy with school/work, extra activities, side projects, cleaning etc. Spending time unwinding is a sign of laziness and boredeom and intelligent people are never bored. This really messed me up and I'm still learning the art of wasting time.
"I read some stories about pets that 'ran away,'" u/nousername1982 said. "I too discovered 20 years after the 'dog ran away' that he was euthanized. I can imagine the truth is difficult to share with kids."
"Other lies are just lame, with no excuse. I shared the story that my father told me he had to get A's every day at work. Of course, that is not true, and it didn't help me to get motivated. A friend of mine tells his kids about a 'dangerous man' coming at night if the kids are not good. This is just bad parenting."
Even though the Redditor believes it's impossible to raise a kid without lies, they nonetheless think that parents should strive to be honest.
My mum made me believe that privacy was a privilege. Wasn't until I started studying childcare and learning in depth about the rights of the child that I learned it is a right and that my mum is full of bullsh*t
“Bullies are cowards.”
No they aren’t. They’re evil scum who are naively capable of ruining your life for decades after. And they’re not afraid to do so.
Cowards? They are anything but cowards, they feel all powerful because they literally massacre children who have done nothing to them, well hidden behind the school garbage cans. And if by some miracle this child manages to talk about it, to a teacher or a supervisor, these assholes are smart enough to make everyone believe that it was you who started it and WORST that you deserved it. A "big" (12) girl from daycare (I was 6/7 years old) spent three years telling me every night "your mother is dead, she won't come to get you, she will never come back". It created anxieties in me that I still feel today... But Go die Sarah!!!!
If you're contemplating whether or not to bend the truth, experts advise to ask yourself a few questions first:
- Are you only helping them in the short term, which might affect things in the future?
- Will your lie confuse them or give them unrealistic expectations of people?
- Is the lie for you or them?
- Are they able to understand the truth?
Often, a child's age and maturity determine whether or not a lie is the way to go!
Tell me the truth I won't be mad.
Aaaaaaaaand that's how you get to be punished (in the best case) for something as trivial as having forgotten to start the washing machine for the mother-in-law...
That you have to “suffer for love” (I’m a chick). Thanks mom, you set me up for a lifetime of trying to change narcissistic losers.
My "best friend" when I was a teenager (15), told me that in love or in friendship, if we didn't suffer, it wasn't real... Yeah, of course...
My dad always said. "Children should be seen and not heard." I'm not a big fan of that one
Well I was mostly raised by my grandparents. We lived in an all white community and my grandparents believed every terrible thing they had ever been told about black people. I spent my youth being fed those lies but everyone I knew was white and I couldn’t imagine it being true. When I got to college I met my first non white people and was able to verify that the things they believed just weren’t true.
And luckily both of them realized that before they passed away.
‘’Parents always know what’s best for their child’’
That their love has conditions, and if not followed they will drop you in your time of need. Right or wrong, I hope my children will never feel like they can’t talk to me or that I will judge them.
And some elderly folks wonder why their family dumped them in a care home and don't want to contact them again.
Saying, 'Do as I say, not as I do.' A leader shouldn't ask his followers to do something he wouldn't.
That sex is something to be ashamed of.
Let me guess? Religious parents? Why are they SO obsessed with sex & punishment?
That as long as we “have always been given everything we need we are loved”. The emotional abuse has ruined me
The man of the house is always right.
Don't worry about the college loans! You're smart, you'll get a good job and pay that off in a few years.
That it is illegal to have the little ceiling light on in the car.
That i basically have to be a smaller version of them, believe exactly what they do and not think for myself and have my own opinion. If i have kids id let them be open minded and believe what they want
To try to fit in as much as possible and to please others, at the expense of who you really are on the inside.
There are so many things in this list that have hurt me over the years, but this one was probably the worst one for me and is still today. After already years of mental issues, currently recovering from a depression. After 36 years I'm now finally at the point that I really feel like I'm allowed to express myself. Wear the clothes I like, live the life that I like, hell even think what I like. Never, ever tell your kids to be normal, if they are expressing themselves differently. They will start eating away themselves from the inside and at some point they will break.
Note: this post originally had 78 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.
"Don't be sad/scared/angry". Telling kids how to feel or not feel does a tremendous amount of harm.
I think the most harmful thing my dad ever told me was that boys/men are only interested in one thing from girls/women.
Most harmful thing my dad told me is that he was finally having the son he always wanted when I was 15 a week before my 16 birthday when he told me he was having another child. Wtf am I then u Kno. The son u never wanted.
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It's mind-boggling that being attention-seeking is such a bad thing in the first place. Everyone needs attention !? And people who self harm often just need help, so why not just give that help to them!?
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Following my wife's example, a common saying to our kids is, it's ok to be (mad, sad, angry, stressed, etc), but it's not ok to (hit, scream at, throw, etc). We're not perfect parents, but I love that my toddlers are growing up feeling comfortable to feel and share their emotions and thoughts. Total opposite example given to each of us growing up. Parents constantly fighting, screaming at each other. My dad, for a time, would go to sleep with his pistol on his night stand telling my mom, "I haven't decided if I'm going to kill you tonight or not." The cycles don't have to continue!!!
Yes I like this, I'm glad you're breaking the pattern and Oh wow I am so sorry to hear about that violence in your home, it sounds traumatic.
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I remember being told repeatedly by my step father that I had no rights legally, that as a child, I wasn't even considered a citizen, and that he owned me. Usually in response to me trying to speak up against his abuse or threatening to tell someone. I kept silent until well into adulthood when I found out he'd been abusing my significantly younger siblings too. I'd thought he treated them better because they were his actual kids and he wanted them, which was true, but only to an extent. Abusive people are going to be abusive to anyone they have power over.
That only pretty girls are molested or harressed so I don't have to worry about those sort of things. Tanks Mom...
My grandma told me that my kids should always by me first priority. The best thing my parents taught me: My spouse is my partner in life and my priority. Together, our top priority is our children. So many people can't grasp this concept and it leads to a lot of divorces and a lot of children that grow up with skewed views of what a healthy relationship is.
And kids will test any weaknesses they see in your relationship to see what they can get away with (asking the other parent when one already said "no", for example), which is normal stage of development, but if the parents have a strong relationship and communicate well they'll have a unified front the kids can't break (which benefits the whole family since the parents are looking out for the kids with their rules, etc.). This is assuming the parents do listen to their kids feelings, thoughts, opinions, etc. and take them into account when together deciding rules, etc. for the kids. When I say "unified front," I'm not implying a shutout or breakdown in communication.It's also leading by example as opposed to "do what I say, not as I do".
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"My dad used a bet to discipline me and it straightened me out." Fûck that, you do not use a wooden cooking spoon to spank someone, let alone when their reaction is ten fold what you'd expect. Especially if you're a step-father and not the primary caretaker. Should I have kids at some point, most likely by addoption, I will never treat them like that, ever. Also, BP, do you dare censor my comment. (Nice try.)
Well... This is awkward. But my dad used to cheat on my mom way often. He never said it was wrong but eventually I "learned" that it was OK. I cheated on my previous couples, he knew, and he didn't blink an eye. He just said: "they should have done something for you to cheat. Cheating is not for free." Dude, literally... I lived some awesome relationships going to waste because I thought it was ok, or to better say it, there were no consequences on cheating. I had to learn my own way how much it hurts others and how much it ruins lives. I was also OK to be cheated on. If my mom was, why wouldn't I? Life was not monogamous... I can say that realizing the truth has been the most painful lesson I'm still learning.
The first time I ever thought "if I have kids I would never do them like I was done on something that is very important to every little kid and I ruined it for my whole 2nd grade class cause of what I was told. I didn't know that I was the only kid in my whole class that was told when I was a toddler bout parents lies to their kids about Santa, that there has never been and never will be a Santa Claus... There really was a man named Saint Nicholas though. I told my class when someone asked me what I wanted Santa to bring me for Christmas. Told them Santa wasn't real that our mom's and dad's buys our Christmas presents not a fake man name Santa. It's your dad or grabdpa in Santa suit. The whole class was crying and I got sent to the office over it. They called and told my parents what I did and they said Good those kids needed to know that Santa is not real that a true Christian wouldn't lie about Santa to their child. That's when they knew the reason why I said there's no Santa
Don't worry my kids believed in Santa until they were 9. I had to break it to em when some little kid pulled Santas beard down at Bass Pro shop and my youngest daughter was always terrified of him when she saw that when she was 4. Had to pull my oldest to the side to explain why that man pretended to be Santa. Her younger sister found out bout "Santas Helpers" until she was 9.
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Work hard and be loyal to you company or emloyer and you will be rewarded. Wow, It must have been nice growing up in the 50s.
By age 12 I already had a whole list of what not to say or do to my own children based on what I saw or heard from my parents and siblings. I have a grateful family of my own. Grateful as in I'm glad you followed your list.
As a kid (I would've been no older than 7, my brother no older than 5) I had an uncle who gifted us animals. The weirdest was a baby alligator that my parents later got rid of - they said it gave my brother nightmares. Another time, he got my brother and I bunnies. My dad built a hutch outside and they stayed out there. One night, we had a bad storm with tons of wind. Bunnies were gone the next day. Our parents said the bunnies got loose in the storm. At 32, I learned that that wasn't the case... Apparently they were given to an aunt and her family who had a bunch of animals; I think my parents thought it'd be better for these bunnies. Nope - it was their death sentence. Shortly after, Dad found out that they killed and ate them. My parents were shocked, but now they just think the relatives didn't get the pet part where bunnies were concerned. If they'd go rabbit hunting, that's a food animal (as opposed to dogs or cats).
When the child tells the parent that they feel they should see a therapist because they have made a few suicidal attempts; the parent should not respond with; "You made yourself depressed, figure your way out. I'm not taking you to a shrink. People will think poorly of us." Yep, was told that at 17 years old. Thank God for good friends being our therapists.
Only ONE of these was not normalized in my home growing up. So toxic. Also: - asking for help is weak - mental healthcare is a sign of weakness - "pain is a great teacher" - parents should be feared, then loved - anything less than blind obedience is a sign of disrespect.
Okay most of these advices are actually bad advices and shouldn't be followed. But some are actually great and might save you. I was a rebellious kid because of my unfortunate family background, but now I'm trying my best to build a family better than what i was in. So i see from both sides of the perspectives. Some of these advices sounds like they were written by spoiled snowflakes who haven't see life from the adult viewpoint.
My dad was like everything one of these...no wonder I need therapy
As the fourth child, I just wish they would have paid some attention to me and talk to me and acted as if they were actually mother and father. They paid no attention to my school work or grades and when we moved when I was 11 they didn't make any effort to get me some friends or help me adjust to a new neighborhood
Some harmful things I've heard: "Stop crying or I'll give you a reason to cry" / "you're too young to know" (in response to my coming out which I was not ready to do but kinda got thrown into it) / "You're 14, I'm 40, I think I know better than you" yes, you might know more stuff but I have different experiences than you, and while I have never experienced being an adult I'm not 5 and I'm allowed to form opinions on things. / And that one time he got really mad at me because I worded my phrase wrong and made it sound like I was questioning the authenticity of the story of Virgin Mary. / For anyone who has dealt with a narcissistic, homophobic, racist, or even straight up abusive parent, I'm so sorry and I'll listen to you rant anytime. I'm lucky enough that while my dad isn't the best I am still very privileged and my parents have never physically abused me.
One thing that i will never teach my children that my mom told me? THAT ROBLOX AND YOUTUBE ARE BAD, WHEN THEY ACTUALLY ARE NOT!!!
You must be about 10. I sincerely doubt when you’re 30 Roblox and YouTube will even be a thing anymore.
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Our children will be saying similar things about us. That is the hope. We all want to do better than our parents, but we have to understand, for most; they did the best they can.
I've been bullied a lot on and off by various people who were determined to crush my self-confidence. I've always been very quiet irl and these various individuals have completely ruined my ability to socialise with people I haven't had months to become comfortable around. Overall, I'm just trying to say all the ones about bullying (the why/how you should react) hit HELLA hard because I've found they're never right
Perfection is unattainable. That being said, you should strive to be better every day in every way you can. You WILL make mistakes like these, if not these themselves....but its what we do after the mistake that shows us who we are.
Nothing like a bunch of whiney children pretending their parents were so abusive and terrible.
It might help if you actually stuck to the topic instead of parading your issues. You only get banned around here for hate speech and trollish viciousness, which is just as it should be.
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"Don't be sad/scared/angry". Telling kids how to feel or not feel does a tremendous amount of harm.
I think the most harmful thing my dad ever told me was that boys/men are only interested in one thing from girls/women.
Most harmful thing my dad told me is that he was finally having the son he always wanted when I was 15 a week before my 16 birthday when he told me he was having another child. Wtf am I then u Kno. The son u never wanted.
Load More Replies... It's mind-boggling that being attention-seeking is such a bad thing in the first place. Everyone needs attention !? And people who self harm often just need help, so why not just give that help to them!?
Load More Replies... Following my wife's example, a common saying to our kids is, it's ok to be (mad, sad, angry, stressed, etc), but it's not ok to (hit, scream at, throw, etc). We're not perfect parents, but I love that my toddlers are growing up feeling comfortable to feel and share their emotions and thoughts. Total opposite example given to each of us growing up. Parents constantly fighting, screaming at each other. My dad, for a time, would go to sleep with his pistol on his night stand telling my mom, "I haven't decided if I'm going to kill you tonight or not." The cycles don't have to continue!!!
Yes I like this, I'm glad you're breaking the pattern and Oh wow I am so sorry to hear about that violence in your home, it sounds traumatic.
Load More Replies... I remember being told repeatedly by my step father that I had no rights legally, that as a child, I wasn't even considered a citizen, and that he owned me. Usually in response to me trying to speak up against his abuse or threatening to tell someone. I kept silent until well into adulthood when I found out he'd been abusing my significantly younger siblings too. I'd thought he treated them better because they were his actual kids and he wanted them, which was true, but only to an extent. Abusive people are going to be abusive to anyone they have power over.
That only pretty girls are molested or harressed so I don't have to worry about those sort of things. Tanks Mom...
My grandma told me that my kids should always by me first priority. The best thing my parents taught me: My spouse is my partner in life and my priority. Together, our top priority is our children. So many people can't grasp this concept and it leads to a lot of divorces and a lot of children that grow up with skewed views of what a healthy relationship is.
And kids will test any weaknesses they see in your relationship to see what they can get away with (asking the other parent when one already said "no", for example), which is normal stage of development, but if the parents have a strong relationship and communicate well they'll have a unified front the kids can't break (which benefits the whole family since the parents are looking out for the kids with their rules, etc.). This is assuming the parents do listen to their kids feelings, thoughts, opinions, etc. and take them into account when together deciding rules, etc. for the kids. When I say "unified front," I'm not implying a shutout or breakdown in communication.It's also leading by example as opposed to "do what I say, not as I do".
Load More Replies... "My dad used a bet to discipline me and it straightened me out." Fûck that, you do not use a wooden cooking spoon to spank someone, let alone when their reaction is ten fold what you'd expect. Especially if you're a step-father and not the primary caretaker. Should I have kids at some point, most likely by addoption, I will never treat them like that, ever. Also, BP, do you dare censor my comment. (Nice try.)
Well... This is awkward. But my dad used to cheat on my mom way often. He never said it was wrong but eventually I "learned" that it was OK. I cheated on my previous couples, he knew, and he didn't blink an eye. He just said: "they should have done something for you to cheat. Cheating is not for free." Dude, literally... I lived some awesome relationships going to waste because I thought it was ok, or to better say it, there were no consequences on cheating. I had to learn my own way how much it hurts others and how much it ruins lives. I was also OK to be cheated on. If my mom was, why wouldn't I? Life was not monogamous... I can say that realizing the truth has been the most painful lesson I'm still learning.
The first time I ever thought "if I have kids I would never do them like I was done on something that is very important to every little kid and I ruined it for my whole 2nd grade class cause of what I was told. I didn't know that I was the only kid in my whole class that was told when I was a toddler bout parents lies to their kids about Santa, that there has never been and never will be a Santa Claus... There really was a man named Saint Nicholas though. I told my class when someone asked me what I wanted Santa to bring me for Christmas. Told them Santa wasn't real that our mom's and dad's buys our Christmas presents not a fake man name Santa. It's your dad or grabdpa in Santa suit. The whole class was crying and I got sent to the office over it. They called and told my parents what I did and they said Good those kids needed to know that Santa is not real that a true Christian wouldn't lie about Santa to their child. That's when they knew the reason why I said there's no Santa
Don't worry my kids believed in Santa until they were 9. I had to break it to em when some little kid pulled Santas beard down at Bass Pro shop and my youngest daughter was always terrified of him when she saw that when she was 4. Had to pull my oldest to the side to explain why that man pretended to be Santa. Her younger sister found out bout "Santas Helpers" until she was 9.
Load More Replies... Work hard and be loyal to you company or emloyer and you will be rewarded. Wow, It must have been nice growing up in the 50s.
By age 12 I already had a whole list of what not to say or do to my own children based on what I saw or heard from my parents and siblings. I have a grateful family of my own. Grateful as in I'm glad you followed your list.
As a kid (I would've been no older than 7, my brother no older than 5) I had an uncle who gifted us animals. The weirdest was a baby alligator that my parents later got rid of - they said it gave my brother nightmares. Another time, he got my brother and I bunnies. My dad built a hutch outside and they stayed out there. One night, we had a bad storm with tons of wind. Bunnies were gone the next day. Our parents said the bunnies got loose in the storm. At 32, I learned that that wasn't the case... Apparently they were given to an aunt and her family who had a bunch of animals; I think my parents thought it'd be better for these bunnies. Nope - it was their death sentence. Shortly after, Dad found out that they killed and ate them. My parents were shocked, but now they just think the relatives didn't get the pet part where bunnies were concerned. If they'd go rabbit hunting, that's a food animal (as opposed to dogs or cats).
When the child tells the parent that they feel they should see a therapist because they have made a few suicidal attempts; the parent should not respond with; "You made yourself depressed, figure your way out. I'm not taking you to a shrink. People will think poorly of us." Yep, was told that at 17 years old. Thank God for good friends being our therapists.
Only ONE of these was not normalized in my home growing up. So toxic. Also: - asking for help is weak - mental healthcare is a sign of weakness - "pain is a great teacher" - parents should be feared, then loved - anything less than blind obedience is a sign of disrespect.
Okay most of these advices are actually bad advices and shouldn't be followed. But some are actually great and might save you. I was a rebellious kid because of my unfortunate family background, but now I'm trying my best to build a family better than what i was in. So i see from both sides of the perspectives. Some of these advices sounds like they were written by spoiled snowflakes who haven't see life from the adult viewpoint.
My dad was like everything one of these...no wonder I need therapy
As the fourth child, I just wish they would have paid some attention to me and talk to me and acted as if they were actually mother and father. They paid no attention to my school work or grades and when we moved when I was 11 they didn't make any effort to get me some friends or help me adjust to a new neighborhood
Some harmful things I've heard: "Stop crying or I'll give you a reason to cry" / "you're too young to know" (in response to my coming out which I was not ready to do but kinda got thrown into it) / "You're 14, I'm 40, I think I know better than you" yes, you might know more stuff but I have different experiences than you, and while I have never experienced being an adult I'm not 5 and I'm allowed to form opinions on things. / And that one time he got really mad at me because I worded my phrase wrong and made it sound like I was questioning the authenticity of the story of Virgin Mary. / For anyone who has dealt with a narcissistic, homophobic, racist, or even straight up abusive parent, I'm so sorry and I'll listen to you rant anytime. I'm lucky enough that while my dad isn't the best I am still very privileged and my parents have never physically abused me.
One thing that i will never teach my children that my mom told me? THAT ROBLOX AND YOUTUBE ARE BAD, WHEN THEY ACTUALLY ARE NOT!!!
You must be about 10. I sincerely doubt when you’re 30 Roblox and YouTube will even be a thing anymore.
Load More Replies... Our children will be saying similar things about us. That is the hope. We all want to do better than our parents, but we have to understand, for most; they did the best they can.
I've been bullied a lot on and off by various people who were determined to crush my self-confidence. I've always been very quiet irl and these various individuals have completely ruined my ability to socialise with people I haven't had months to become comfortable around. Overall, I'm just trying to say all the ones about bullying (the why/how you should react) hit HELLA hard because I've found they're never right
Perfection is unattainable. That being said, you should strive to be better every day in every way you can. You WILL make mistakes like these, if not these themselves....but its what we do after the mistake that shows us who we are.
Nothing like a bunch of whiney children pretending their parents were so abusive and terrible.
It might help if you actually stuck to the topic instead of parading your issues. You only get banned around here for hate speech and trollish viciousness, which is just as it should be.
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