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“Left Her Boyfriend To Be With Me”: 50 Red Flags People Wouldn’t Ignore In A Partner Again
Relationships aren't perfect, and the people in them are far from ideal, either. We all have bad habits and personality faults.
However, what to one person might seem like a minor issue can be a sign of actually abusive behavior.
According to the U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline, over one in three women and one in four men have experienced abuse by an intimate partner. We don't always spot the signs in time, but there are some.
Recently, people online have been sharing what red flags they ignored in past relationships.
When u/HappyHappyJoyJoy44 asked other netizens, “What was the first red flag you ignored in your worst relationship?”, many people shared some heavy experiences.
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#1
He threw an absolute fit at the quality of hummus in a Lebanese restaurant. Like, threw food around the table, yelled at the poor waitress, then stormed out without paying. Then we went to a pub and he was asked to take off his hat AND OH DEAR LORD was that a mistake.
I was recovering from an abusive relationship so this guy was...differently bad...which was apparently OK?
I eventually had to block him (and his many, many alts) after he accused me of abuse and threatened to call the police. He had read The Ethical S**t and decided that he was poly and that I had 'abused' him through mutually agreeable monogamy.
I now have a good therapist and self esteem.
Shark queen 🦈🦈🦈 1 year ago
He seemed like he probably has a face that I think would be improved if it where to have a table dropped on it.
Laura Cook 1 year ago
Someone who is nice to you but isn’t nice to the waitress is not a nice person.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 year ago
Yep. One of the tenets of my childhood was "I'm not going to grow up to be mean to people like Mom is." My mom yells at waiters/waitresses, fast food workers, you name it.
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Momma Jess 1 year ago
I know this isn't true for all poly people, but my own experience says a lot of poly people don't know the meaning of the word ethical
Cari Owens 1 year ago
Sounds like the kind of guy that needs a high five...in the face...with a brick.
Colleen Glim 1 year ago
The initial “throwing a fit in a restaurant” would have me noping out. If you can’t behave like a civilized human in public, feel free to leave. Allow me to show you the door
RELATED:
#2
It was a very short relationship, but early early on we were at his folks and standing around the kitchen. His dad was headed to the store he asked his dad what he was going to the store for and his dad was like “oh some things, milk, bread, I’ll probably pick up something for dinner” in the most average and normal tone of voice. I nod. The guy I was seeing explodes and goes “I was just asking!!!!”. My head spun around. I was so confused. How could anyone have interpreted his dad’s calm nonchalant grocery list as a personal attack.
In hindsight how unphased his dad seemed should have indicated this wasn’t a rare occurrence….
#3
Rage. Sudden outburst of rage.
Financial_Neck832: This was a red flag I ignored, too. 'He had a bad day,' or 'Wow, he hates this person & is so angry, this person must've wounded him deeply.' "
Nope, he was just an abusive narcissist. He liked getting angry, hurting others, and making people afraid. It was how he controlled people and situations so everything would go his way.
I'm glad I got the hell outta that marriage. Steer clear of ragers, it's not a phase.
Alexia 1 year ago
If you see this, RUN. No matter how sweet, polite and considerate he is the rest of the time. Or you'll spend your time walking on eggshells, careful to protect his fragile ego and inability to regulate his emotions. You just described my father.
Panda Kicki 1 year ago
Yes. Punch holes on doors and walls is a giant red flag to. "Just a stress reaktion" is not a defence. He will be stressed many more time and the next target of stress releasing violence may be you.
SkippityBoppityBoo 1 year ago
Yups, abusive narcissist. My bedroom door handle had broken. I'd actually gotten stuck inside my bedroom but managed to get myself out using a metal nail file to open the door. I phoned the housing repair team after calming self after getting out but they couldn't fix it for another 8weeks. They'd asked if was an emergency repair? Me - "No, I've put a book in the way to stop it closing fully. I've also put jackets over the top to help stop it." Cool. I'd warned my ex about it. "Do not close my bedroom door, but here's how you get out if it ever does close". Showed him what to do. So what does he do? The day after? Fully closes the door and gets stuck inside. Starts trashing my bedroom, yelling out of my 5th floor window "HELP HELP I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE!!!" I was trying to get the door open from the other side. Then he ripped door off its hinges and also ripped the handle fully out of the door. He then went and told his parents and anyone who would listen that I'd purposely...
SkippityBoppityBoo 1 year ago (edited)
"Locked him inside the bedroom"... Nope, never happened. None of my inside doors except the bathroom door have any locks on them. Even the bathroom door lock is so flimsy it's more there for mental security than actual locking..... Anyway, once he was out? He threw me into my hallway radiator face first and left.... I didn't speak to him for a long time and should've called the police really... Because after? That became a point in the court cases, except I had FB messages to friends showing the date and a photo of my face from that night. Time Stamped. But he still to this day won't admit that he's ever done anything wrong, despite the later attack leaving me disabled for life. So Evil Narcissist because Everything Is Always Someone Elses Fault. Never His.
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#4
When his football team lost so he went into the kitchen and smashed every glass on the floor.
Hill Branda 1 year ago
No, man BABY. Anyone who reacts like that hasn't even reached the level of "child" yet.
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Alexia 1 year ago (edited)
That sounds like my brother, a 38 y.o. man child. We went to a restaurant once, but the whole place was already booked for a wedding party. He threw a tantrum in the middle of the street, snapped at the staff, cursing, clenching his fists, gritting his teeth. I went NC with him 2 years ago, shortly after this incident.
Philly Bob Squires 1 year ago
If I did that every time the Eagles blew a game, I'd be eating out of the cat bowl with my cats! :)
The Darkest Timeline 1 year ago
I like sports. I enjoy watching the competition and seeing people do things with their bodies I could never dream of doing, making insane plays. But I don’t make them my entire personality or take them so seriously that I lose my shït if they don’t win. Anyone who does needs to get a life.
BloopyBloopBloop 1 year ago
I once had a partner who would go into a deep bad mood for days whenever his football team lost. It was like he personally lost the game himself. Didn't help that the team he followed lost almost every week. Eventually I got over having to constantly deal with bad moods caused by something that really does not matter that much in life.
Libstak 1 year ago
I'm not a big sports fan but I do have a football team. If they are not doing so well I just avoid any sports coverage on them, it's easier than even just a small dissatisfaction. I never react though and I can only guess an avid supporter could become unhinged.
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weatherwitch 1 year ago
That is physical domestic violence waiting to happen. That's not a man child or man baby. One day it will be the partner Not the glasses. Get out, get out if you ever witness this in your relationship
Jeya Mackelle 1 year ago
Men are so emotional and illogical. Sounds like it was his time of the day. Maybe he should have changed his Viagra.
#5
He told me his previous exes found each other and formed a support group 😅.
Yellow dot 1 year ago (edited)
I was part of one of these types of groups, but I found myself trauma-bonding with his other exes. I'm better off just talking to a non partisan therapist.
#6
Mine happened on the very first date. He said he was late because he was having trouble finding parking. He later told me he actually walked to the place from his nearby apartment. Sure, we all make innocuous white lies, but all he did was lie the entire relationship.
WindySwede 1 year ago
This one will steal hearts! little-cut...kucher.jpg 
weatherwitch 1 year ago
The lie wasn't even anything?? There's No point whatsoever in not just saying I underestimated the time to walk here. Instead of inventing a car, parking and problems that didn't exist. It's just the start of a million lies and untruths
#7
When I met his friends they all told me I could do so much better. If he was genuinely a good guy his buddies wouldn’t be trying to give me a heads up.
He turned into a serial cheater and gas lighter. It was always everyone else’s fault and not his and everyone just made up lies about him “just because.”.
cherry~ 1 year ago
He might have different attitudes toward his friends and his girlfriend
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Montanavanna 1 year ago
We have a friend that is, well was a serial cheater. He always fessed up and took responsibility. Awful romantic partner, great friend.
#8
His friends kicked me out of a road trip because he didn’t tell them I was coming. He didn’t stand up for me and left on the road trip anyways.
Pencil McGovern 1 year ago
So he was too cowardly to talk to them about having you come, too cowardly to tell you that he hadn't spoken to them about it. and too cowardly to do anything but roll when the inevitable confrontation happened. Damn.
Nikole 1 year ago
Yeah, I need more info. Maybe the OP is insufferable, invited themselves, and the guy didn’t stand up for OP because he didn’t want them to go in the first place.
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#9
Dismissive comments about my interests seemed minor until they became a pattern.
MrGrumplestiltskin: Yes, this one! I wore dresses a lot and like the color pink. I was always told that was "too girly" (even though I'm a girl, I was meant to think badly about liking this color). I started dating a high school best friend and he told me "I don't like cute things" while also telling me how cute he thought I was and how he liked bending down to kiss me. It was confusing. He didn't like girls who wore dresses or hyperfeminine (which I am both). He didn't like being romantic and made fun of me when I kept flowers he gifted me. Being dismissive or even ridiculing things is such a huge red flag.
#10
Everything I liked and enjoyed he would make fun of me and take the p**s. I was young (18/19) and had never had a relationship before. I was very much in love with him too. I felt like I was sad and pathetic. So I stopped doing what I loved and wouldn’t tell him anything.
I’m 29 now, and never been in another relationship as it seriously changed me. I’m getting back to myself. I know 10 years is a long time but, I’m accepting that now. I now do what I love. I read, I write, I paint, I water colour. I am happy and content again. I feel like I’ve got myself back. It took years for me to accept myself again because of this boy.
(I remember he made me go on a d***s run, because he said “no one will think you have anything and you’ll be fine, just go get it and come to my work” when I did that for him he said ‘thank god you’re a f*****g nerd’ … I was stupid and stayed with him. He used to cry after sex and say how good I was & I used to be so confused. He ended it by cheating on me and telling me ‘you look nothing like the girls I wanna f**k at work’
It changed me. I’m now a single 29 year old trying to get by life and regain myself and my happiness.
Moo 1 year ago
...He was making fun of reading, writing and painting?? I mean he shouldn't make fun of her for /any/ hobby, but those are such common ones???
Pencil McGovern 1 year ago
It's not that he was making fun of the hobbies themselves, he was just using them as a vehicle to demean her. He wanted (consciously or not) to keep her insecure and off-balance so he'd have mocked whatever she did.
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SkippityBoppityBoo 1 year ago (edited)
So he belittled her, made her commit illegal acts via a d r u gs run and then? THEN? Has the sheer audacity to attempt to put her down after? Yeah, you know what you can do with THAT Mr Little Pathetic Man... And where to shove it... 👍 (P.S? Disclaimer - I'm getting the feeling that I may get even further ranty as I scroll down, so... Fair warning?)
Stina Kolling 1 year ago
Oh is THAT what that word was. I honestly thought d i c k s and was pretty confused.
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He threw a bottle of beer at me so hard and fast the bottle cap stuck in the wall. I should have left and never gone back. Yes it got worse, yes I got out eventually.
Emily Phillips 1 year ago
My ex did the same thing to me. I had blocked it out of my memory for some reason until one day a friend mentioned it.
Meaghan Stewart 1 year ago
Ex husband fired a gun at me and hit my 6k gaming rig (either options suck for what he hit). Beginning of the end and I sure moved fast after that. I told him the day of I was leaving. If I had drawn it out he would’ve killed me.
#12
Relentless pursuit after I rejected him. We are taught to think that pursuit means they are interested in us and that it’s romantic to be chased. But really, it’s a red flag that highlights their inability to respect the word “no”.
After 5 years of an emotionally abusive relationship, I always paid attention to that.
Manana Man 1 year ago
I watch a lot of old movies, 30's through 50's. The idea that if the guy pursues the girl long and hard enough she'll give in and it will be great was very much a part of American culture in those years. We are better now.
Bored Trash Panda 1 year ago
Matched with a guy on plenty of fish and was messaging back and forth. He got mad it took 20 mins to reply and when I said I was making dinner for my kid, he demanded that he came first (after 2 days of talking) started calling me all sorts of names, then when I blocked him, he created another account to message me again. Hid my account after that. Finally went back on after a few months and met the love of my life and now husband (been together 7 years married for 5)
Selena Wilson 1 year ago
Been there too. In fact, the only time it seemed like he wanted me was when I'd leave. Took me 5 years to leave for good, so glad I did.
#13
She literally tried to break up with me and told me she was bad for me and I convinced her she wasn’t. Turns out she was right. I was in that relationship for 6 years and married her. Most traumatic relationship of my life and took years of therapy to undo the damage. People will tell you who they are in many ways and you need to listen.
Montanavanna 1 year ago
I had a friend that I gave 3 chances too. She would bring bad people into my life. We had a whole discussion about how she will be cut out again if she does it. I finally cut her out for good when detectives were questioning me because she decided to forge checks using my computer. Also said I was involved in a robbery that I had no idea even occurred til I am sitting in the cop shop answering all their questions.
#14
Honestly I think I was the problem in my early relationships. I grew up with an abusive mom who told me she should have aborted me. And I think that f****d me up for a long time and I wasn't the best partner. Or the best version of me. I didn't purposefully hurt anyone but I can't say I didn't.
Mel Colley 1 year ago
You can change but the guilt, shame and regret that can come with insight, can really slow you down.
#15
His parents kept telling me that “You do know he has anger issues, right??” And my dumb a*s was like “It’s OK! I love him!”
Those anger issues were a huge part of our ultimate breakup. When someone’s family members warn you about their negative qualities (barring unusual circumstances, like toxicity within the family), LISTEN TO THEM.
Alexandra 1 year ago
If you thought your love was going to make his anger issues go away, you fell into the trap many women fall in: the believe that their love has the power to transform someone from a raging heap of aggression into a stable, nurturing and trustworthy person. No: people seldom change and if they do, it's because there is something in it for them.
AR 1 year ago
Exactly. My husband had anger issues when younger and he changed, but it was because HE wanted to. Thankfully he started to get better in time to help save our marriage.
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#16
He was so sweet and shy when we met. When he told me his doctor diagnosed him as a sociopath. I was like "aww no youre not". Anyways, it wasnt long after that he started beating me. He was in fact, a sociopath, and he literally told me but my dumb a*s was like, nah.
Memaw Mitch 1 year ago
My ex told me he was anti social, my dumass thought that meant he wasn't a people person. Right from day 0, said he was friends with my current bf, got my number off his phone when he borrowed it for a min. Before he even called his plan was in place, he manipulating me saying you should hear the bad things my current bf was saying about me, but don't tell him. Because you're too good for him... Charmer, liked EVERYTHING I liked, I was on his pedestal, for months. Until I was sick and he said I can't do sick. But the next day brought flowers to help me get well (he knew I already was feeling better). Eventually we lived together and I couldn't cut onions right, house not clean enough, random comments like you won't put out, I'll find it someone else who will. 5 years in, he'd never been physically abusive until one night he tried to kill me and make it look like suicide. Found preparatory he left behind with diagnosis Antisocial Personality Disorder, with psychotic tendencies.
Alexandra 1 year ago
I'm so sorry. Sociopaths can be very persuasive and they make use of your vulnerabilities, so it's no wonder you fell for it. It's easy for an outsider to say 'but didn't you see/notice/feel that....' but that's just not how it works. It's only when you step back from a situation that you can make a rational assessment; when you're in a situation that's far more difficult.
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#17
The first red flag was that they rejected my feelings and concerns. I should've paid more attention to that.
#18
Dismissed their constant need to control everything as just “being protective”.
Learner Panda 1 year ago
Ex did this. Total control over everything by withholding sleep. All work that needed doing in the house had to be paid for in advance with s*x.
Black Cat Green Eyes 1 year ago
Had a co-worker defend their spouse this way after he publicly threatened violence over a photo. She defended him repeatedly as "so supportive" and how his threats were OK because felt threatened . . over a photo. Then randomly telling everyone how loving & supportive he was (. .
Selena Wilson 1 year ago
This was my abusive, controlling father. I'm 54 and in PTSD therapy thanks to him. On the upside, therapy is a godsend!
#19
Being told he'd worried I wouldn't be 'intellectual' enough for him, but not to worry, because I'd passed.
First thought at the time was "bell-end". Definitely should've trusted those instincts...
SkippityBoppityBoo 1 year ago
Oooh! Someone thinks all High and Mighty of himself huh? "Passed"... Darling, I'm passing you right on by... See ya! 🖕😃
#20
She gave away her dog of six years because he got sick (before I met her). Didn’t really stop and think how insanely f****d up that is. Makes me hate her thinking about it.
StrangeOne 1 year ago
What's the full story? Was she unable to care for the dog, so she decided to give the dog to someone who could provide the best care? Did she put him down so he wouldn't suffer anymore?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 year ago
I assume "gave away" implies that the dog wasn't euthanized, but everything else is a mystery. OP didn't post any further details on Reddit, either.
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Intense jealousy of my daughter being in my life.
NoWayNoWay 1 year ago
I love my partner's daughter, I have 2 boys with him. She's funny, loving and so intelligent, pleasure to have her in my life, plus I get more cuddles than him, bonus.
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Pittsburgh rare 1 year ago
I know someone who ended a relationship for this exact reason. Apparently she couldn't stand not being his absolute priority over his teenage daughter (of his previous marriage). Props to my friend who left her right when she proposed and suggested they should get married in Bali 😂
Lene 1 year ago
My parents divorced when I was a toddler or so. Dad's new wife never really liked me, I think. Or at least she liked me until I started having opinions. Anyways, I have so many sh1tty memories from my childhood and youth (and actually still, just a few weeks ago) and I really really tried to give up my old opinions towards her several times in my 20's and 30's. It has been really tough at times! So please, if you ever find yourself in a relationship with a person who does not like your kid from a previous relationship, please please please think about if your relationship with the new partner is more important than your child's childhood and current/future mental and emotional well-being. Just sayin'....
Montanavanna 1 year ago
For the folks in the back..familial love and romantic love are NOT the same!
lizvas110384 1 year ago
WHAT!?!?! That's insane. Only a narcissist would think they should be above EVERYONE. Even your kids!
Lily Robertson 1 year ago
Here's the thing, though. Teenage daughters are not innocents. I have had a partner's daughter go out of her way to invent "emergencies" every single time my partner and I had a solo outing or date, effectively canceling them. I'm talking about her taking busses to odd places then calling for a ride because she was on the wrong bus. Suddenly having an event and needing an emergency shopping trip immediately for something that ended up being 2 weeks out. Family should come first, but with healthy boundaries and no b******t. I walked.
hannahbahngswife 1 year ago
Ah yes, generalize everyone as "bad" because of 1 bad experience, makes sense!
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Even though they were 'too busy' to respond to texts, they managed to spend the entire day posting on social media.
notSanii: Dude, this annoys me to my core. Most recently, a guy I was talking to used to run Call of Duty with me all the time, and now when I ask to chill and game he says he’s too tired for games. An hour later I see that he’s gaming with his friends.
His excuse: 'they asked me.' Man, it’s all BS. Just say you don’t care to hang out anymore. Same with the social media thing, they simply don’t care to talk anymore.
#23
People would give me a weird look when I told them who I was dating, and ask why. They’d say he had a reputation for being an a*****e, but hey maybe he’s different once you get to know him. Turns out he was, in fact, an a*****e.
Willing-Hour3643: That she didn't get along with anybody. She was an argumentative and controlling person in all of her personal relationships."
I ignored all that and thought she'd change but after I was with her, I saw that she blamed everyone for her own shortcomings and had anger issues and mental issues and refused to get help
#24
Oof… I ignored a lot.
1. Him admitting he cheated on his ex multiple times.
2. Having a lot of girls on his snap/social media.
3. Finding hair ties/girl items in his room around the time we became official.
4. Love-bombing
5. Flirty with other women. Teetering on the boundary between friendship and inappropriate.
Jaya 1 year ago
Having a lot of girls on your social media, doesn't mean anything. Some people connect more with boys, some more with girls, and some don't have a preference.
Tostones 1 year ago
There are always exceptions. It part of a larger pattern here.
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Hill Branda 1 year ago
#1 would've stopped me right there. If he admits to being a serial cheater, why would think he wouldn't cheat on YOU?
#25
My (36f) first month with my last bf, I had plans to go to the Renaissance fair with some friends and invited him but he had to work. he acted super pissed the night before that I was still going without him. then the next morning he called me saying he was having a stroke (42m, smoker) and I was like omg call 911, I’m omw to your apartment.
he says no, don’t come over. so I wait. he calls me from the hospital (that he drove to!) 30 min later and says his brother met him there. at this point it’s clear it wasn’t a stroke, and I say can I come meet you, which hospital. he says no.
so I take my friends to the Ren fair and text and call to check on him. he ends up flipping out on me saying I should never have gone since he was in the hospital. I just thought since we had only been dating a month, and his family was there, and he wouldn’t cooperate in telling me which hospital to go to, or where to meet him to see him, AND HE WAS FINE, I didn’t think cancelling my plan was appropriate, or even what he wanted.
This set the stage for the rest of the relationship. He would never admit to what he wanted or needed, and actually would tell me the opposite of what he needed, sincerely, even when I said ah but let me take care of you! or whatever. Histrionic displays and tantrums are a big red flag and you need to leave immediately.
It ended in him almost killing me during a tantrum on a camping trip two years later. They do not change for you, once you show them you’ll stay through their bad behavior.
Alexandra 1 year ago
You trust people too much. It pays to have the same mindset as Miss Marple: never really trust anybody. Does't mean you can't be nice to people or get along with them well, but it does mean that you have to realise that people have their own agendas and be mindful of that.
#26
He was a mama's boy. Girl, no matter what... they never change and you'll never be first 🤷🏻♀️
PD: And he'll cheat on you because the only person he needs to be loyal to is his mom 😅.
Jaya 1 year ago
I really doubt there's a connection between being a mama's boy and being a cheater.
Midnight_Moon234 1 year ago
The Mama's kid could also basically be married/dating their Mom, meaning they take their mom on every date, share all the happy and sad moments with their mom, will prioritize their mother over you and will take their mother's side in any argument. I haven't been in a relationship like that yet but I've heard a lot about it.
#27
It wasn’t one red flag, it was red bunting. She basically told me the story of how she screwed over every boyfriend she’d ever had (and there were a lot). I finally realised these were a warning but she’d shredded my heart and set fire to the pieces by then.
Alexandra 1 year ago
Uhm, she literally told you what kind of a person she was right from the start. I wonder what you saw in her to make you dismiss all of that.
Melissa Childers 1 year ago
Wow... really? You've never had poor judgment or ever given anyone the benefit of the doubt? Maybe she made him laugh. Maybe she was witty and intelligent and very interesting to talk to. She might have been supermodel gorgeous who is genuinely kind to animals and small children. It's easy to overlook negative qualities in a person when their positive qualities are... well, positive. Ya know, EVERYONE, at some point, has had a friend or SO or acquaintance that is a garbage human being, yet still associated with that person. Sometimes, it boils down to just being a toxic situation based upon the personality dynamics. Other times, someone is truly a terrible person, yet also charismatic, so they are always sought after as friends or lovers... and all of us run into at least one, thinking that it'll be different this time, in spite of the red flags.
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#28
A real pattern of stories in which they were always the victim, with no apparent introspection / admission around their own role in any given issue or situation. And wouldn’t you know it….
highwaycrossingfrog 1 year ago (edited)
My friend is like this. She's a lovely person and a lot of fun, but boy is she always the victim. Her neighbours have it in for because they sometimes take up slightly too much space with their cars on her street *with unallocated parking* and make it hard for her to manoeuvre into the spot outside her house. She keeps changing jobs and even careers because every single job she's ever had her boss doesn't like her and deliberately sabotages her. She's an expert at seeing the negative in any situation. It actually makes her physically ill because she is so super stressed all the time
FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa 1 year ago (edited)
I've had friends like this and eventually the constant pity party and the whoa is me bs far outweighs any fun you once had with this person. I try and stay as far away from people like this now. They never seem to realize that the only common denominator at this pity party is themselves.
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When they brushed off my boundaries like they were suggestions.
mariana96as: I should’ve known my ex didn’t know what boundaries are when I saw that his parents have two toilets facing each other in their bathroom. The whole family is insane
No__direction: Mine didn’t even have a bathroom door. Just a curtain. They removed the door! No knocking either. They’d look through the curtain, stair for a long moment the say 'hurry up' or walk away with an irritated vibe.
Boundaries did not exist in that house. Everything was everyone’s business… even my sister’s monthly cycle
#30
So many! I feel like an idiot thinking back.
But the biggest one: he kept saying ¨Im not good at relationships¨
plot twist, he wasnt
insert shocked pikachu face.
#31
Started seeing a 40F who accused every partner she's had since she was a freshman in high school of being abusive & controlling (including, eventually, both me and the guy she left me for)
One is unfortunate. Two or three means maybe some therapy is in order. Fifteen to twenty means you might be projecting a little bit (spoiler: she was abusive and controlling).
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 year ago
I am reminded of a quote from the movie "Lucky Number Slevin". This isn't the exact quote that the character The Rabbi says, but it's paraphrased: "If one man calls you a horse, you punch him in the nose. If another man calls you a horse, you hit him in the stomach. If a third man calls you a horse, well, then, maybe it's time to go shopping for a saddle."
SkippityBoppityBoo 1 year ago
If Every... Single... Partner you've had are abusive and controlling? Maybe YOU are the common denominator here. I'm talking about false allegations btw and how some females deliberately cry wolf. Make up stories about others, either because they just don't like them or their other half broke up with them. These types of people make it so much harder for those of us who have legitimate legally insane things happening to us to be taken seriously by the courts, police etc.
#32
Lack of car for his younger brother. first time i slept over and we went to pick up breakfast for us and his younger brother. we didn’t realize they messed up his brother’s order (they legit gave us an untoasted mcmuffin, nothing else). it was literally a 2 min drive so i insisted we go back quickly as we just pulled into the driveway. he refused, didnt even offer to give his younger brother his order instead and got mad when i offered mine up. told his brother to deal with it and i got in MY car and drove to get the right order for his brother. i didnt mind as it was a 2 minute drive and i didnt want him eating a plain untoasted mcmuffin, plus we were left to take care of him since their parents were out of town for business.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 year ago
OP acted like more of a sibling to the younger brother than OP's ex did >_>;
*raspberry sound 1 year ago
I had an ex who had a little brother who was a heroin addict, I asked him if he wanted my narcan, just in case and he said "no, it would serve him right to die"
Urbangirlatl 1 year ago
Sounds like they ordered a McMuffin, which should have egg, cheese, Canadian bacon on an English muffin. If someone tossed a plain English muffin in the bag, that is like ordering a hamburger and getting just a bun.
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#33
I just broke up with someone who would belittle my hobbies and interests at any given opportunity I’m sorry I hope you find someone who appreciates you.
Its_Curse: This exactly. About two weeks into the relationship he spent 30 minutes telling me how sh**ty and absolute garbage he thought my favorite band was. I got upset and he said 'Well I'm not making fun of you, just this sh*t band.'
He then proceeded to mock me for literally everything I liked and did for the next two years. My taste in music, my favorite shows, my hobbies, what I liked to eat, what I read, what I wore, my friends, my family. He once literally turned me picking a bagel for breakfast into a screaming match about how I only eat gross sh*t and how I do it on purpose to upset him (I had no idea he didn't like bagels???).
It turns out it was never about the bagel or the music. He was just a controlling and abusive nightmare and was taking his bad day out on me. I left him after he physically assaulted me. I wish my self esteem had been good enough for me to get out of there sooner. I still have CPTSD over it all.
anxiousBarnes: And of course their hobbies are so much more important than yours. I hate that so much. Used to be with a guy who liked 'educational' passtimes like learning new languages and playing instruments and bs like that (all stuff his parents forced into him from a young age) so of course me wanting to read comics and take hip hop dance classes for fun was obviously just absurd and beneath him.
Beak Hookage 1 year ago
That guy with the long dreads sure shows up a lot in articles like this one.
Andrewsarchus42 1 year ago
I mean if he’s in a lot of stock photos that have to do with relationship issues, he’s going to show up a lot in BP articles about relationship issues
Load More Replies... #34
He constantly talked down about other women. He would comment on their weight, the clothes they wore, would criticize their tattoos, literally anythinggggg and as time went on I was no different when it came to facing his ridicule. Learned a difficult and forever life altering lesson with him.
#35
The first time I saw my ex acting upset snapping at his roommate while making dinner, I gently laid my hand on his arm and asked "Is something wrong?" He yelled "IM FINE" and kept yelling at me all night, angry at me for "prying". Turns out he would treat me like this every time he was upset for the next few years.
Aroace tiger (she/they/he) 1 year ago
I quite literally would melt if someone was sweet like that when i was upset or mad- i cannot understand people
Makenzie McNeal 1 year ago
Yeah if I was pissed off and yelling at someone and then they or someone else did this I'd feel horrible and break down.
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Larry Andrews 1 year ago
Married 10 years; asked what was bothering her. She exploded because I was prying. Her emotions were her own!
#36
The age gap. I was very newly 18, she was 31.
Andrew Irish 1 year ago
My first serious relationship was with one of my high school teachers, I was 17 and homeless and she was 37 and single. It messed me up so badly I got into one horribly abusive relationship after another once she was finished with me.
Andrew Irish 1 year ago
Until I took years off of dating to heal and go to therapy. Eventually, meeting the lady in the picture, my amazing wife. ;)
Load More Replies... StrangeOne 1 year ago (edited)
Wtf??? I swear adults who are a lot older than a teenager, but go after teenagers when they reach 18 must be closet pedos who are trying to keep it "legal" so they don't get charged.
Ace 1 year ago (edited)
Attraction to an 18 year old is not paedophilia. Not saying it's right, but it's a very different sort (and level) of wrong.
Load More Replies... Urbangirlatl 1 year ago (edited)
It's more than the gap, it's also stage of life. 18-31 is not the same as 30-43, for example. "Half plus 8" is a good rule of thumb. Half you age, then add 8. That's the youngest you should date. I know it sounds arbitrary (and I'm sure I'll get flak), but think of any example. A 31 y.o. dating younger than 23/24 is weird. A 20 y.o. dating an 18 y.o. wouldn't cause any raised eyebrows. 60-25? Weird. 34-25, sure!
Rachel Pelz 1 year ago
13 year age gap...not necessarily a red flag if both have some life experience as an adult. But newly adult and much older person would make me wonder if and why adult can't find partner with similar life experience...
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Pencil McGovern 1 year ago (edited)
We have no information here that 31 groomed 18 in any way. They could have met at a party or a bookstore and 31 simply asked 18 out and 18 said yes. Let's reserve that word for the criminally manipulative intent it's meant to describe. [Edited to correct my gender assumptions as correctly pointed out by @TheBlueBitterfly.]
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Manel Ibáñez 1 year ago
Two consenting adults? No need to judge here. Sometimes the age gap is an advantage in a relationship as long as it’s based on love and mutual respect. There’s no need to asume bad intentions just because the age gap. That’s just a prejudice.
Alexandra 1 year ago
Yes, they are 2 adults and no, they don't have the same level of life experience, simply because one is just 18 and the other 31. At 18, your brain is still developing; this only finishes in your twenties. So there is a huge imbalance.
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Lisbeth Guz 1 year ago (edited)
The problem is not only the age gap, but the power imbalance. Someone who is 31 is probably independent, has their own money, lives in their own place while someone who is 18 has none of these things, are not mature enough and sometimes are easy too impress. The older person has more power over the youngest
#37
The fact that he only seemed to show love or affection through gifts/financial things.
Turns out the entire relationship was based around manipulation, financial abuse, and control. Took a lot of work to unfuck that situation.
Lord of the laserprinter. 1 year ago
You noticed it too. So refreshing, let’s enjoy it for as long as it lasts.
Load More Replies... Stephanie A Mutti 1 year ago
Ahhh that was my ex too. She talked very nicely about me to others [maybe as bragging rights??] but rarely said anything nice to me. She had no problem spending money on me despite my "i don't really need this" lifestyle. I think she really tried and this was her love language. sigh...
#38
He was rude (verbally abusive) towards his mum over something minor. Didn’t take him long to treat me the same over minor things, only even worse. .
Alexandra 1 year ago
It's said that if you want to know how a man will treat you, look at the way he treats his mother.
#39
Flakiness and excuses.
Say_Fellas: Second this. The flakiness. Saying they’ll do something then forgetting about it. Cheap words that get your hopes high with nothing to show at the end of it. Not just a few times but Again and Again until you realise it is who they are.
#40
On the first date she said "I'm kind of obsessive"
She then proceeded to stalk me for a year after I broke up with her. Fortunately, we were both in the military, and she transferred to another command eventually.
#41
Caught him in a lie...but let it go. Im stupid.
Cathleen Cummings 1 year ago
You're not stupid, just human. I had a "boyfriend" for a while that lied as frequently as he breathed, I overlooked it far too long.
#42
Didn't want to spend his free time with me.
#43
‘Concerns’ that are subtly manipulative so that it will guilt trip you into doing what he wants you to do
Example, don’t accept the overseas scholarship because you will not be able to afford living there or have me around for support. It translated into please don’t go away from me because I am afraid you will find someone else better than me.
#45
The first night we had sex I spent the night at his apartment. In the morning we were laying in bed naked and his doorbell rings. It was his ex-wife and his 4 year old daughter. He had “forgotten” that he was watching her for the morning. I literally grabbed my clothes and hid in his closet until his ex left. Then he plopped his daughter in front of the tv and snuck me out the door behind her.
Oh, he was also broke and turned out to be an alcoholic.
Brian Droste 1 year ago
If that was his ex, why would you hide in the closet? Why would she care?
FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa 1 year ago
Probably because she's dropping off their child and likely would at least like to meet this new woman in her exes life, especially if she's going to be spending time with their daughter.
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#46
She got upset with me because I didn't ask her if she wanted to drive. It was my car.
Aelin Wildfire 1 year ago
But how do any potential partners know if you're a good driver or not? For all they know, you're the less careful driver.
Load More Replies... #47
He was 22 and I was a known 16 yr old technically homeless girl (living in condemned housing). .
Julia H 1 year ago
...and? Why was this a red flag? I'd really like to know. Well, other than chasing a girl who was not yet 18.
SkippityBoppityBoo 1 year ago
Maybe he was known for going after vulnerable females?
Load More Replies... #48
That she didn't get along with anybody. She was an argumentative and controlling person in all of her personal relationships. I ignored all that and thought she'd change but after I was with her, I saw that she blamed everyone for her own shortcomings and had anger issues and mental issues and refused to get help.
#49
He had a back up girl incase i said no to being his girlfriend… we were together for over a year after that, not my proudest moment.
#50
She used to open sandwiches and remove anything she don't like, then tried to do the same thing to me...
Pencil McGovern 1 year ago
I don't get this. 1. Was she supposed to eat sandwiches with things she didn't like on them? 2. Was she removing things from his sandwiches that *he* didn't like or that *she* didn't like? 3. Why do they keep getting sandwiches with things they don't like on them??? Maybe find a different deli.
- 1 year ago
Sounds like she was trying to remove whatever *she* hated from *his* sandwiches. Maybe she was a tad obsessive and not very bright.
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Kitty Smith 1 year ago
Okay the sandwich part isn't a red flag and won't have concerned anyone in a relationship with her.
Stephanie A Mutti 1 year ago
Hmmm, what did she not like? Was she adverse to spleens? Or bones? Is this a connective tissue issue for her??? I have a policy, OPEN me up once, my bad. OPEN me up again and we gotta see the insurance provider before going forward.
#51
When he (who couldn't hold down a steady job) blamed me for two years for losing a job he had for a month. The reason? Supposedly he was staying with me and that's why he was late ONE day, but he was never late. At least not with me.
Then everything got worse and hit me, luckily I left him and the pandemic started.
#52
Finding out that he was in a relationship when we started dating. We weren't official at the time, and when I found out, his buddies were giving him s**t over something and made a passing comment about him still seeing a girl when we started seeing each other. I asked him about it later in private and he told me that he had broken up with her before we officially became a couple, so I thought it was okay. He cheated on me later. To be young and dumb, lol.
#53
She dumped me when I was inconvenient and would come back like nothing happened later.
To be fair, I was dumb enough to let her come back.
Michael Largey 1 year ago
A woman whom I thought was in a serious relationship with me suddenly dumped me because I was taking up too much of her time. Six weeks later, she wrote me saying that she was right in what she did but was willing to let me come back. I did not want my reply to be too long because I didn't want her to take up too much of her time reading it. So I chose the absolutely shortest response possible. To that letter and the ones that followed.
#54
She left her boyfriend to be with me.
Jaya 1 year ago
She did the right thing though, if she didn't cheat but just broke up. Breaking up to be with someone else isn't a sign that someone is a flaky person who will move from partner to partner. Yes, being left for someone else is horribly painful, but that's just a part of life, sometimes people fall in love with someone else, not all relationships last.
Ace 1 year ago
No, she did not do the right thing. Whether anything physical happened before she broke up with the ex is irrelevant, she was still already cheating on him. I once went on a (lunch) date with a girl at work, who said that she was just about to break up with her then husband. I took that as a red flag and didn't take it any further with her. Shame, cos she was dead fit.
Load More Replies... #55
Not necessarily proud of how I found out, saw she got a text, looked over and it was from a dude. She answered it and blurted out something her “girlfriend” just told her. I ignored it even though I knew. Lust, thinking your in love and a complete lack of self confidence/worth made me just say ok and move on like nothing happened.
#56
Love bombing. It felt really good at the time because I was vulnerable and craving to feel wanted and loved.
#57
He was an only child and his mother babied him. Needless to say I replaced that mothering role for him pretty quickly. I was so naive.
#59
Hot and cold personality , I ignored it because I thought she was just going thru a rough time in her life.
#60
Lack of any emotion through the years...gradually..and before you know it, it's all gone and you end up despising the person you once loved...because without emotion, no intimacy can happen...or compassion.
#61
Jealousy.
If she’s accusing you of cheating on her and you’re not, there’s only two possible explanations:
1. She’s immature and isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship
2. She’s the one cheating and she’s projecting.
Both are valid reasons to end the relationship.
Jaya 1 year ago
This is utter nonsense. There are definitely more possible explanations: Having been cheated on before and therefor being too vigilant about red flags. Or having seen many people around been cheated on. Or you're not cheating but your behaviour objectively seems a bit suspicious. Thinking your partner is cheating, is never based on whether they're actually cheating because you CAN NOT know that because you're not clairvoyant, so it will always have to be based on signs. And someone may have behaviour that looks like signs of cheating, but not be cheating at all.
#62
Being stonewalled (having my messages/calls ignored) when he didn’t want to talk through our issues, which resulted in him also gaslighting me.
#64
Drinking the sour wine & changing personalities to align with TV characters. Started with Hawaiian shirts, ended in Nazis 😅.
Michael Largey 1 year ago
Can't picture Goebbels in a Hawaiian shirt. But Goering, easily.
Load More Replies... Broadredpanda 1 year ago
I'm not sure I understand this at all. The difference is huge! Maybe that's the problem, but more details needed here!
#65
HIs favourite band was Nickelback, and he didn't eat vegetables.
The Phantom Stranger 1 year ago (edited)
Most obvious red flags in this entire list! Nickelback? NICKELBACK?
Explore more of these tags
What do you think ?
UKGrandad 1 year ago
First date; drinks, dinner, club. Walked her home, she asked me in. Poured some wine, we carried on talking, then she said she had a surprise for me. Told me to wait while she went upstairs. Five minutes later she calls for me to close my eyes, then 'You can look now.' She was stood in front of me wearing a wedding dress, veil, the works. 'I just wanted you to see how I'll look on our wedding day!' She was completely serious, too. I said my goodbyes and there was no second date.
Darth Kittius 1 year ago
Here is a red flag I learned from each of my exes: 1. If he sulks about your boundaries until you lower said boundaries, he's gonna do a lot more than what he said he would. 2. He sent me photos of fresh self-harm Wounds to guilt trip me (he also blames his admittance into a psychiatric facility for 3 weeks on me). 3. If he says you're just friends because he has a girlfriend, but you do "date" stuff anyway without your notice, you're helping him cheat. It's harder to tell than I thought it would be. 4. If he won't introduce you to any of his friends, take any photos with you, or hang out with you before 10 PM, you're the other woman. 5. Led me on for 2 years, said we were dating and then flip-flopped. Mama's boy in the bad way.
Doctor Strange 1 year ago
This one is a bit overly simplified, the actual situation was much more complex. I met her when she was seeing someone else and we became friends. Guy was a jerk, and treated her badly, so I spent a lot of time listening to her relationship woes and trying to help. She had a really bad car accident, the kind she was lucky just to survive, let alone walk away unscathed. But she had horrible nightmares. After that, only I could talk her down and help her sleep. Wasn't long until she told me she was falling for another guy and didn't know what to do and was asking for advice. Those smarter than me would realize she was talking about me. I foolishly trusted her when she said she would deal with the other guy before we started dating. The red flag though, was that she spent a lot of time talking about him and what he was doing. That relationship ultimately ended with her admitting she was deliberately pushing me to commit sui cide
GenericPanda09 1 year ago
"I was only joking" A response an unsurprising amount of abusers use as their first line of defence to try and gaslight you into thinking it's a problem with your sense of humour and not their behaviour.
Binky Melnik 1 year ago (edited)
I want to rip my hair out reading these! Sooo many are of the “Met someone who behaved/treated me badly. When we broke up three years later…” variety. I can’t understand this at all! The MOMENT someone treats me badly or behaves like a jerk, my privates shrivel right up. There is NO more attraction, and I suddenly find them unattractive both inside and outside. Buh-bye! Why doesn’t it happen to everyone? I don’t get it. Why do these people seem to love this bad behavior and wanna keep repeating it for years? Are they out of their minds or am I?
Skadi Lifdis 1 year ago
Hindsight is 20/20. With my ex, the times he went into full shutdown mode when I was having health/ other issues (pulmonary emboli, two extremely difficult pregnancies, and the death of my oldest son). At the end of our "relationship", I was working full time barely keeping us afloat while he was unemployed, slept all day, drank and talked to women all night. He threw temper tantrums all the time and during one of the last fights before the end, screamed in my face that my oldest son was dead (for context, I received a large life insurance payout that enabled me to buy a house) because I told him to get out of MY house if he was going to destroy things. He screamed it was HIS house and then that it was my dead son's house and that my son was dead. It took being used as a literal punching bag to get him out of the house and out of my life.
Ken Schroeder 1 year ago
We had just moved in together. Two weeks later, I come home from work to find her ex-boyfriend sitting in my chair and eating my left-over Mongolian Beef with a s**t-eating grin on his face.
LynzCatastrophe 1 year ago
I think these were tiny red flags, so small that I didn't notice for years. But he had no ideas of his own. Every date we went on, my idea. Every vacation, I did the planning, I took the initiative. Every gift, I pointed out or picked out (I actually picked out my engagement ring, that one should have been a big red flag). Every single thing we did, was my idea. Many years later I saw it for what it was: a true lack of effort. He didn't care enough to put in an effort to our relationship, any romance. He was truly lazy. No effort in anything, not me, not his job, he'd have the most ridiculous excuses for not doing chores. I realized I had married a lazy, manchild. But the thing I should have noticed so many years ago was how little effort he actually put into us being together. He still makes me the bad guy in our divorce.
John Nelson 1 year ago
Things were going well, she asked if we could go by her mother's house to drop some things off. No problem, don't mind meeting her mom anyway. We get there, she doesn't introduce me, just throws her laundry at her mom's feet and goes "Here, I'll be back in a couple hours to pick it up" and walks out. Nope! Never went out with her again.
UKGrandad 1 year ago
First date; drinks, dinner, club. Walked her home, she asked me in. Poured some wine, we carried on talking, then she said she had a surprise for me. Told me to wait while she went upstairs. Five minutes later she calls for me to close my eyes, then 'You can look now.' She was stood in front of me wearing a wedding dress, veil, the works. 'I just wanted you to see how I'll look on our wedding day!' She was completely serious, too. I said my goodbyes and there was no second date.
Darth Kittius 1 year ago
Here is a red flag I learned from each of my exes: 1. If he sulks about your boundaries until you lower said boundaries, he's gonna do a lot more than what he said he would. 2. He sent me photos of fresh self-harm Wounds to guilt trip me (he also blames his admittance into a psychiatric facility for 3 weeks on me). 3. If he says you're just friends because he has a girlfriend, but you do "date" stuff anyway without your notice, you're helping him cheat. It's harder to tell than I thought it would be. 4. If he won't introduce you to any of his friends, take any photos with you, or hang out with you before 10 PM, you're the other woman. 5. Led me on for 2 years, said we were dating and then flip-flopped. Mama's boy in the bad way.
Doctor Strange 1 year ago
This one is a bit overly simplified, the actual situation was much more complex. I met her when she was seeing someone else and we became friends. Guy was a jerk, and treated her badly, so I spent a lot of time listening to her relationship woes and trying to help. She had a really bad car accident, the kind she was lucky just to survive, let alone walk away unscathed. But she had horrible nightmares. After that, only I could talk her down and help her sleep. Wasn't long until she told me she was falling for another guy and didn't know what to do and was asking for advice. Those smarter than me would realize she was talking about me. I foolishly trusted her when she said she would deal with the other guy before we started dating. The red flag though, was that she spent a lot of time talking about him and what he was doing. That relationship ultimately ended with her admitting she was deliberately pushing me to commit sui cide
GenericPanda09 1 year ago
"I was only joking" A response an unsurprising amount of abusers use as their first line of defence to try and gaslight you into thinking it's a problem with your sense of humour and not their behaviour.
Binky Melnik 1 year ago (edited)
I want to rip my hair out reading these! Sooo many are of the “Met someone who behaved/treated me badly. When we broke up three years later…” variety. I can’t understand this at all! The MOMENT someone treats me badly or behaves like a jerk, my privates shrivel right up. There is NO more attraction, and I suddenly find them unattractive both inside and outside. Buh-bye! Why doesn’t it happen to everyone? I don’t get it. Why do these people seem to love this bad behavior and wanna keep repeating it for years? Are they out of their minds or am I?
Skadi Lifdis 1 year ago
Hindsight is 20/20. With my ex, the times he went into full shutdown mode when I was having health/ other issues (pulmonary emboli, two extremely difficult pregnancies, and the death of my oldest son). At the end of our "relationship", I was working full time barely keeping us afloat while he was unemployed, slept all day, drank and talked to women all night. He threw temper tantrums all the time and during one of the last fights before the end, screamed in my face that my oldest son was dead (for context, I received a large life insurance payout that enabled me to buy a house) because I told him to get out of MY house if he was going to destroy things. He screamed it was HIS house and then that it was my dead son's house and that my son was dead. It took being used as a literal punching bag to get him out of the house and out of my life.
Ken Schroeder 1 year ago
We had just moved in together. Two weeks later, I come home from work to find her ex-boyfriend sitting in my chair and eating my left-over Mongolian Beef with a s**t-eating grin on his face.
LynzCatastrophe 1 year ago
I think these were tiny red flags, so small that I didn't notice for years. But he had no ideas of his own. Every date we went on, my idea. Every vacation, I did the planning, I took the initiative. Every gift, I pointed out or picked out (I actually picked out my engagement ring, that one should have been a big red flag). Every single thing we did, was my idea. Many years later I saw it for what it was: a true lack of effort. He didn't care enough to put in an effort to our relationship, any romance. He was truly lazy. No effort in anything, not me, not his job, he'd have the most ridiculous excuses for not doing chores. I realized I had married a lazy, manchild. But the thing I should have noticed so many years ago was how little effort he actually put into us being together. He still makes me the bad guy in our divorce.
John Nelson 1 year ago
Things were going well, she asked if we could go by her mother's house to drop some things off. No problem, don't mind meeting her mom anyway. We get there, she doesn't introduce me, just throws her laundry at her mom's feet and goes "Here, I'll be back in a couple hours to pick it up" and walks out. Nope! Never went out with her again.
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