Someone Asks Married Women “What Are The Unspoken Rules For A Successful Marriage” And They Deliver 30 Illuminating Responses
Interview
When you are getting married, you don’t really expect it to be tough. If anything, it seems like you’re diving headfirst into an infinite honeymoon with a happy ending.
This couldn’t be further from the truth, say people who have been married for a while. They warn us that marriage is the game of a lifetime, where you have to put in a lot of work to get the result you want.
So when someone asked “Married women, what are the unspoken rules for a successful marriage?” on the Ask Women subreddit, the illuminating responses and genuinely useful pieces of advice started flooding in.
To find out more about how to navigate through a successful marriage, Bored Panda reached out to Laura Wasser, a family law expert and chief of divorce evolution at Divorce.com. Laura is a sought-after voice on TV and in print on women’s issues, the evolution of divorce, and entrepreneurship and she happily shared some useful insights.
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Something I just learned after 25 years,
"Tell me what you think I said"
So many fights, accusations, and cheating was because he "heard" something other than what I said.
Hearing is NOT the same as listening
Laura explained that a successful marriage requires a harmonious blend of various elements, including communication, trust, empathy, and adaptability.
“Open and honest dialogue fosters understanding between partners, allowing them to navigate life's challenges together,” she said. Moreover, Laura argues that “trust is the foundation upon which a strong relationship is built, fostering a sense of security and emotional intimacy.”
Meanwhile, empathy is equally important since it “enables individuals to perceive and appreciate their partner's feelings and experiences, fostering a deep emotional connection.”
It's us against the world, baby.
But seriously, we're a team. I'm his biggest fan and he's mine. We support each other, we believe if one of us succeeds we both succeed and if one is us falls behind, the other helps them catch up or takes the lead for a bit.
Also, it helps if you like to do different chores.
Oh heck yes, it's brilliant when you each prefer different chores! My partner likes cooking, I see it as a huge chore. But I like chopping veges which he hates. So I wash up, or he does and I do other chores. Whoever has more energy on any given day can step up, because it all balances out, and we recognise we each have different abilities/limits
Be true friends first. Its easier to be married to a best friend, that never goes away. Lust goes away pretty fast.
Marriage also requires adaptability, which enables couples to grow together by embracing change and evolving with life's circumstances, Laura continues.
“Cultivating these elements, alongside a shared vision and commitment to nurturing the relationship, paves the way for a thriving, long-lasting marriage,” she explained.
“Naturally, each marriage is one of a kind, and there isn't a single recipe for triumph. However, focusing on vital aspects and constantly working to strengthen the bond helps partners lay a solid groundwork for a long-lasting, satisfying union.”
Understand that some things are just going to be the price of admission and accept the person you married. Leaves a trail of c**p when they come home for the day or forget the wet towel on the bed... easier to pick it up rather than get angry and just accept it's part of getting this person in your life.
Sometimes the price of admission is too damn high (insert random destructive behavior). For me, the wet towel is annoying but it's worth the price of admission.
I feel this. My partner of years is a handful. I have a whole drawer full of spare lids for the products we buy because, at some point, he's going to lose them. When he cooks chicken, I have to disinfect all of my spice jars, the handle to the refrigerator, etc. But, at the end of the day, he has my back and I have his. It's a lot of work, but it's so much easier to go through life with a partner than it is to go alone.
Like each other. If your whole relationship is based on looks, sex, and romantic attraction it's not going to last. You're both going to get old and ugly someday (if you're lucky), and sometimes sooner than later.
If you don't find each other interesting as people, or have a genuine fondness for the other person.... your relationship is probably not going to last through the first serious illness or personal struggle.
This should be at the top of the list. I married young and dumb. My spouse has been married twice. We are experts in what can go wrong and this is a common mistake. We are best friends because of mutual interests and the ability to have great conversations. This is key.
1. Have sex with your spouse. If it feels like it’s been a while since you’ve had sex, communicate a plan to have sex.
2. “I told you so” doesn’t make any situation better. Always consider if you’d rather be happy or be right.
3. Acknowledge the little things your spouse does. When they’ve made you happy, let them know.
While each couple's journey is unique, there are several prevalent reasons why married couples divorce that emerge time and again.
First, it’s communication breakdown. “Open and honest communication is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. When couples struggle to express their feelings, needs, and concerns effectively, misunderstandings and resentment can build up, leading to a fractured bond,” Laura said.
They're not a mind reader - Whatever you expect, whatever is on your mind, spell it out clearly.
Edit: inclusivity
Take accountability and apologize. It’s us vs the problem.
My husband knew a couple who disagreed on where the tomato sauce (ketchup) belonged. One said pantry, the other said fridge. Every screaming argument they had spiralled back to the bottle of sauce. My husband suggested getting a bottle each to avoid the fight all together. This resulted in another screaming match, because it was never about the bottle it was about who was right.
My husband and I live by the analogy that we can have “two bottles of sauce” to avoid the fight.
My husband and I both enjoy cooking, but not together. We found early that how spices and condiments were arranged was something we disagreed on, and finding a compromise was hard. The solution, which we stuck to in every house we have lived, was to have our own cupboards. Overtime, we realised that a lot of the practical sides of living together were similar. We don't like sharing a bathroom for example. He likes sterile and minimal, I like luxury and faf. I was sharing this with a young woman at work who was struggling to set up home, and another woman scoffed - like are you even married if you live like that? Why don't you just tell him how it is and if he doesn't like it, leave. Young woman I had been talking to said she take my advice, 20 years married and happy, over someone on her 3rd relationship this year. If you can find a solution where you both get what you want, life is better.
Another reason why people end their marriage comes down to infidelity. “Trust is paramount in a marriage, and infidelity, whether emotional or physical, can shatter that trust irreparably. The act of betrayal often signifies deeper issues within the relationship, making it challenging for couples to rebuild and move forward.”
Financial issues can also make partners end their marriage. “Disagreements arise from disparities in income, contrasting spending habits, or conflicting financial goals. When couples are unable to communicate and collaborate on their financial future effectively, it exacerbates existing problems and contributes to the decision to divorce,” Laura explained.
Don’t let yourself be a doormat, but pick your battles. Communicate, compliment good intentions, learn your partner’s needs and be there for them in hard times. Lean on them in your hard times and try to create fun times as much as possible.
Have something you laugh about together often or every day. My hubs makes me laugh every day. It’s a cornerstone for us.
Share a big hug when you get home each day. Try hugging for at least 30 seconds.
Recall the early days sometimes. The falling in love. The journey.
My husband makes me laugh every day too. Laughter every day keeps you young.
It's not my husband's responsibility to make me happy. There have been times when my mental health hasn't been great and there was nothing he could have done to change that if he tried.
We are incredibly supportive with each other but ultimately take responsibility for our own MH and happiness.
We have been together 17 years and very happy.
It's not fair to expect your partner to fulfill all your needs and wishes. It puts an unfair burden on them. A relationship should be a Bonus in life.
In some cases, incompatibility may be to blame. “Over time, individuals may evolve and grow in different directions, leading to a misalignment in values, goals, or interests. When couples are no longer compatible, they find it difficult to maintain a harmonious relationship.”
The lack of intimacy can also lead to an ended marriage. Laura said that “a decline in intimacy can signal a deeper disconnection or unresolved issues, causing couples to drift apart.”
Love your partner the way they are receptive of love; not the way YOU are receptive of love. In that, also communicate clearly in which ways you are receptive of love as well.
So if you express yourself in your love language and they’re oblivious—you can’t be too mad! And if you hurt them in a certain language, try to apologize in that same language i.e., you hurt their feelings in an argument, apologize and say you care. You accidentally pulled your hand away when they tried to hold it, make sure your apology includes physical touch.
Marriage is a partnership, not a codependency-ship. You each need to have some independence and your own personalities, interests, etc, as well as your relationship. Neither party should lose themselves in the other’s problems.
Try before you buy. Live together, travel together, get physically and emotionally intimate. Make difficult decisions and see how they act when they don’t get their way.
Make sure your partner’s good intent is matched by their actions, and make sure you follow through as well. Have and expect integrity.
At no time should you feel like your partner is an antagonist. They are your collaborator and equal.
Oh. COMMIT. Don't have one foot out the door. Don't threaten divorce. Don't threaten to leave. If you say that, just leave. Or be prepared to work extra hard to demonstrate that you won't leave.
Commit. Don't be a pansy. Take your commitments seriously.
We also wondered if newlyweds sometimes have too many expectations of what their marriage and the partner they married are going to be like. Laura said that it’s not uncommon for individuals entering into marriage to hold high expectations for their life together and the qualities of their partner.
“This can be attributed to the influence of media, cultural ideals, and the natural excitement of beginning a new life chapter. While optimism is healthy, it's essential for newlyweds to recognize that no marriage or partner is perfect,” she explained.
Never stop dating. Epic romances should not only happen in movies. Let yours become one.
We have a tradition: celebrate our anniversaries in a different converted castle/manor every year (perks of living in Europe). Doesn't get more romantic than that. And we are far away from everyone too
I've been happily married for 10 years and this feels like the best time in our marriage.
Learning about each other's attachment styles is so important. No one ever told me about this, but this truly saved our marriage early on. After learning how our attachment styles affect the way we treat each other, the way we argue, and how much time we like to spend around each other it changed how we saw each other's behavior.
For example he loves to spend time with me even if it's just sitting in the same room and being near me, whereas I love to be around him, but I need my alone time to recharge. This caused issues with him feeling rejected and like I didn't love being around him and caused insecurities in him. Also, he likes to solve arguments right away and never wanted us to go to sleep mad, but I need to walk away and cool off before I say something I don't mean in the heat of the moment. I'd rather get my thoughts together and come back level headed to talk to him. After going to therapy and learning that we both need a different approach, we are able to understand each other's point of view better and know how to communicate what we need.
But really the biggest thing is communication. Everything is so much better when we're both on the same page and are making decisions together. Learn each other's strengths and work together, not against each other. He's my best friend, and it's us against the world. 🥰
"walk away and cool off before I say something I don't mean in the heat of the moment" is what brought us together and keeps us together.
Understand that love is an ebb and flow. Some days you won’t feel so in love with your partner and that’s okay. This is normal in long term relationships and it passes with the right person.
Also, communication. Talk things out, take a break if it’s heated.
Have your own hobbies but make time for each other.
Still go on dates.
This is hard to explain but Don’t deny physical touch because you’re trying to stop sex from happening. This will make your partner feel rejected. (By all means it’s ok to not want to have sex, I just mean don’t swat them away when they come to give you a kiss in the kitchen, bc you’re afraid they’re going to make a move.)
I made the mistake of falling in to this habit when I went through a low sex drive phase, and my partner stopped trying to initiate sex or intimacy because he always felt rejected.
It took some time to repair that damage.
Pick your battles.
If you can, find another couple that you can double date with or hang out with. It’s nice to have a couple friendship.
Routines are wonderful and comfortable but shake them up once in awhile.
If you can, travel. Even if it’s not too far. There’s nothing more beautiful and romantic than taking a trip together and exploring a new place. It’s fun to plan and look forward to.
Laura argues that “setting realistic expectations and embracing the imperfections of both the relationship and the spouse foster growth, resilience, and a stronger bond in the long run.”
“Open communication and a willingness to adapt help couples navigate the natural ebb and flow of married life, ensuring a more fulfilling and lasting partnership,” the family law expert concluded.
Allowing each other to decompress after work. I go upstairs and f**k around for about an hour while he plays video games. I put on a mask, organize my clothes, shower, do my nails, read, and watch my TV shows. Take turns with responsibilities, i.e., bathing little ones, making dinner, and doing laundry. If he has the time in his schedule, he’ll do it. If I have the time in my schedule, I’ll do it. At this point, he has more free time, so he does more chores, but I bring in more money right now. It’s balanced.
Tag team EVERYTHING. Teamwork really makes the dream work. If things seem unfair to you sometimes, they likely are, and that’s normal. But I guarantee things are equally unfair for him/her/them at times.
Neither partner should ever have to compromise what they want and need for the other person. You both should work hard to make sure everyone gets as big a piece of the pie as they want, even if you both have to make two pies.
Edit: I also want to add, don’t get mad at your partner for something you don’t want them to get mad at you about. If they forget to give the dog their medicine when it is their job that day, let it go. Speak up when it’s an ongoing thing, but we all get tired and let things slip once in a while. Let it go. Let the dishes sit in the sink once in a while, let the dog poop sit in the yard for a few days, get fast food when you’re both too tired to cook. If you can say, “overall,” you’re making it. Let some things slide.
Don't rush into a marriage. Be together for years so you know everything about each other, and make sure you're on the same page with dealbreakers. No one's gonna change their mind for the other person with a dealbreaker after marriage, nor should they be expected to.
You don't necessarily need to be together for years to know everything about each other. My husband and I talked about absolutely everything when we first met and knew at once that we were a perfect match. We got married a year after we met and have been happily married for 30 years.
For my marriage/spouse
Respect, it’s his love language. He knows my love language and speaks it.
Initiate intimacy and show enthusiasm. He can’t be the only one putting the work in.
When he returns from work, I great him with a kiss and let him vent/talk about his day. Who wouldn’t want to vent after a hard day at work?
I give him his space when he needs it and don’t nag him about it. I get a lot of personal time, more than he does, so I respect his time when he needs it.
I never make financial decisions without consulting him. He does the same for me.
My dad gave me some advice one day before I got married. He said “Make sure your husband wants to come home to you and make sure you want him to come home.”
I’ve never forgotten it and do my best to make our home his haven and place of peace and comfort. He treats me like a Queen so I get what I give him.
Basically a sum up is be willing to do the things your partner wants within reason. Don’t be a doormat but don’t be afraid of change, we expect change from them. It’s only fair that we give a little back.
I wouldn't want to vent after a hard day at work! I want to lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling 😄. My wife on the other hand, is a non stop torrent of words from the minute she opens the door. Vive la difference. /s
I'm a lesbian, but ai guess this marriage thing is pretty universal.
I've been with my wife for 12 years now
1) Your spouse should be your best friend. It makes day-to-day life so light and fun... If your partner is your favorite person, everything comes easier.
2) Give more than you expect. Of course this doesn't apply if you feel you are being used or abused, but in a loving relationship it turns into a healthy, pleasurable competition of who Gives more, who helps out more.
3) Communication. It seems obvious, but do you really talk to your partner about stuff that bother you? Can you talk to your spouse about anything without being judged? This is very important to build trust and partnership.
4) Freedom to live your separate life! It's very important and healthy in a long relationship for you to be able to go out with your friends and just do your own thing once in a while.
I agree with things mentioned so far, but I’d add that having a teachable spirit is crucial. Be open and okay with being wrong, and be patient with experiences you may need to teach (or share). Don’t criticize or condemn (both sides). I cannot say teachable spirit enough, lol.
P.S. have fun, mutually enjoyable sex. One team, one dream.
Having a teachable spirit is just good general life advice. I wish more people understood this.
1. Be Open, honest, empathic, and respectful in your communication with your partner. Talk about even the little things they do that upset you. Don’t let those things fester and turn into resentment. Reciprocally, Do not belittle, dismiss, or be immediately defensive when your spouse expresses any concerns about you or the marriage.
2. Do not “let yourself go”. Be kind to yourself and Take care of yourself so you can be kind and take care of the people you love. Never stop trying to be a better version of yourself so you can be proud of yourself and then have the ability to be proud (instead of jealous/resentful) of your partner when they achieve something. You cannot give what you do not have.
3. If you are parents, make sure you are husband and wife first before and then mom and dad second. Not to say you neglect your kids but make each other a priority. Do not let each other go to the bottom of a never ending to do list. Go on dates and have sex often. Spoil each other. Complement each other. Take time out of your day to check in each other and send sweet and even spicy messages. The kids will also benefit from seeing two happy, content parents who care and have respect for each other.
I love your third point. It's exactly what my husband and I have done and we have a really healthy marriage as well as solid relationships with our adult children.
I've been with my husband for 15 years. Give compliments often and avoid being overly critical. Nobody likes being criticized or made to feel like a failure. When I wanted him to do something, I learned to phrase it differently, I used to say, "Do this, or can you do that?" Nobody likes being told what to do, and I don't enjoy telling my husband what to do because it makes me feel like I'm mothering him. Instead, I say, "Can you help me with cleaning the kitchen?" And we do the activity together. We make it fun and it gets done in half the time. Also, (i know I'm generalizing here), but I've noticed men like to problem solve and be our heroes. So, I have also presented chores as a problem for him to solve and asked for his help and input. For example, (true story), "honey, the kitchen has been getting messy after dinner, and I noticed a roach the other day! How do we get rid of them? How can we solve this?" And I let him come up with the plan. That night, we ended up cleaning the whole kitchen together, and he took the initiative to mop by himself without me asking or telling him. He also went to Home Depot that weekend and got a bucket of insect killer to spray around the parameter outside the house. Instead of telling my husband what to do, I let him come up with the solution. I've noticed they're more motivated that way.
Finding the right partner for you. You can try the most in the world but doesn’t work if the other person doesn’t give a f**k about you.
What you see and get during the dating years is as good as it will ever get. If you want more or feel he isn't trying hard then move on.
Getting along with each other's family does make a difference. There might be a person here or there but overall enjoying each other's family will help significantly.
It's not "happy wife happy life" it's "happy spouse happy house".
It takes 5 positive interactions to cancel out 1 negative experience in conflicts. This means that even within conflicts it’s important to laugh, be playful, tell each other you love one another, support each others emotions, show affection, hold hands, be interested in what the other has to say, empathize, show acceptance, find opportunities to agree.
[SOURCE](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/)
Of course, it’s easiest to give eachother these positive interactions in conflict when you practice them when you’re not in conflict. Make positive interactions the standard in your relationship. A gentle touch as you walk by, a quick thank you for something they’ve done (even if it’s their job), or an i love you before you both head off to work doesn’t take a lot of work but it can make a huge impact.
We each put each other first. Your spouse should come before anyone or anything else.
I agree with the basic idea, but my partner does not automatically come before anyone or anything else. When my mom was dying of cancer, she came first. When I wanted to go on a short trip to Spain by myself, I came first. When my partner wanted to quit his toxic job and enroll in a new education, he came first. It's a balancing act, and communication is key. A teammate will agree.
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