“It’s Just Incredibly Patronizing”: 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect

To learn more about this particular topic, we reached out to UK-based dating and relationship coach Rachel New. Rachel was kind enough to have a chat with us and shine some light on why it’s so common for men to have the opposite effect when attempting to be thoughtful. 

“Unless we've seen other approaches modeled many times or had some training in listening skills, our first instinct is to give advice,” the dating expert says. “This is because we want to help and are excited to share our experiences and knowledge. It makes us feel good about ourselves! Very few people listen to advice from others whatever their gender, and because of centuries of inequality, men giving advice to women has the added flavor of reinforcing gender power imbalances.”

Rachel also points out that, even if advice is given “in a clumsy way,” we can still try to remember that “the helper does have generous motives.”

“If it’s from our partner, we can also ask ourselves whether they are having those needs for self-worth and feeling appreciated and valued met in other ways (by us and others),” she continued. “If those needs are met elsewhere, they will have less reason to use helping behaviors to feel good about themselves. Ask yourself: Do you perceive a balance of both people contributing equally to the relationship, and if not, what can you do about it?”

Gifts were also brought up many times in this thread, and Rachel says that understanding one another’s love languages might help us see “why a man might buy, say, a gadget for a present.”

“We often project our own values and desires onto others, not using our empathy and imagination to try and understand what it is like to be another person,” the dating expert noted. “Asking questions early on in the dating process can be enlightening, like ‘Tell me what your best and worst presents have been’ or ‘Would you rather have a physical object or an experience for your birthday?’ Doing the languages of love quiz is a fun way to find out how to love your partner in the way that they are able to feel loved, whether gifts, experiences, words, touch or practical help. One person may feel loved through meaningful gifts that took a lot of thought, another may feel loved through having the lawn mown.”

“Gifts also represent different things to different people,” Rachel says. “Some value the thought and effort rather than the financial cost; others would rather be involved in the choosing because they don't like waste or want to minimize the risk of disappointment. Some find the wrong gift (for example, getting silver rather than gold jewelry) represents their partner not being in tune with them, and for some that can have a big emotional impact because they did not get that attunement in their childhood. For those who experienced secure attachment with sensitive, responsive caregivers, getting the wrong gift is less of a big deal.”

Marriage mentor and relationship coach Katariina Räike was also kind enough to discuss this topic with Bored Panda, noting that perspective is an important factor to consider. “Whenever we focus on something, that’s what we tend to see,” she shared. “The more we assign a negative meaning to something our partner, potential partner or just someone we know is doing or saying, the more negatively we assume they will behave in the future. That’s then exactly what we’re going to experience. So when we assume all men are (fill in the blank), that’s exactly what we’re experiencing. The 'cancel culture' has strongly influenced our perception in the last decade, and made us more intolerable. We're less likely to see other people, especially the opposite sex, in a positive light.”

Katariina pointed out that it is not actually that common for men to have the opposite of their intended impact, but often that’s our perception because of the meaning we assign to their actions. “Our own intolerance for different ways of doing things or not seeing the positive intention behind their actions and words is what causes us to suffer!” the relationship coach says. “Good communication skills help with this, as with all challenges in a relationship. If your partner does something that is hurtful to you, it’s best to talk about it. If he does something that’s annoying, you can check in with yourself to see what his positive intent might have been and learn to accept it. If you can’t find any positive intent, have a conversation to find it.”

“In today’s world, it's the traditional gentlemanly acts that are often interpreted as something negative,” Katariina continued. “Such as paying for dinner, holding the door open, pulling out a chair, complimenting looks or offering to carry something for her. All these can be seen as politeness and kindness, or condescending behavior, depending on your own viewpoint.”

When it comes to making sure that our actions actually do have the desired effect, Rachel told Bored Panda, “It’s important to start with communicating that you believe the other person is very capable and competent and that you have complete trust in and respect for their abilities. You could say something like, ‘This looks like exactly the kind of problem you are good at solving!’ or ‘I can see that you have this completely under control!’ Then, rather than giving advice or sharing expertise, ask ‘Is there anything I can do to support you?’ or ‘Would you like a suggestion or an idea or would you rather work on your own?’ Very few people take advice from others, so even the perfect solution to a problem or the most useful tip in the world will probably fall on deaf ears unless they have asked for advice. People like to make their own mistakes and learn that way.”

Katariina also says making sure our partners perceive our actions the way we want them to is simple. It requires “communication, communication, communication!”

“And before communication, both of you need to take responsibility for your own mindset and beliefs about other people and their intentions,” the mentor noted. “This mindset is something that takes a lot of effort to change, so it’s good to pay attention to this tendency already in the dating phase. Is your date criticizing other people, comparing, and do they have unspoken rules that cause drama if broken? Does it seem that what you do is often wrong, or is it that you don’t receive positive reaction and feedback even if you do something ‘right'? These are red flags that should not be ignored.”

“This tendency is likely to also cover you sooner or later in the relationship,” Katariina says. “In any case, you need to learn to communicate your priorities, intentions and likes, and be ready to receive feedback and learn from those of your partner.”

“The way to communicate what you want to see from your partner is the same as all other needs and desires should be communicated: appreciating the positive intent and communicating your hopes in a respectful and positive manner, with plenty of positive feedback along the way,” Katariina went on to share. “It’s only fair to let your partner know how they can make you feel good and what makes you happy, and ask in what ways you can do the same for them. And at the same time, we all are responsible for our own happiness, it’s nobody else’s job to do that. This is something good to remember.”

Finally, Katariina urges readers to “remember not to take life too seriously! If someone tries to be helpful and according to your standards fails at it, so what? Have a laugh, learn from it if there is something to learn, and move on. Expressing negativity and judgment or taking offense are decisions. We rarely feel good doing that.”

If you’d like to hear more wise words from Katariina or gain some insight into your own relationship from the expert, be sure to visit her website right here. 

And when it comes to gifts in particular, Rachel says that making sure your partner picks out the appropriate ones for you requires a long-term strategy. “Over a period of months, listen carefully to what your partner says, make notes on or take photos of anything they admire, ask questions about what they like about the admired objects, such as ‘So is it the color, the material, or the style that you like?’ Find out what their favorite ornaments, jewelry, etc. mean to them and where they came from.”

Rachel also warns women not to have unrealistic expectations about a man’s ability to know what kind of jewelry or clothes they like. “It can be very difficult to extrapolate general rules from one or two examples! Many women have had many years of refining their tastes, discussing them with friends, browsing through thousands of images and designing hundreds of outfits, but men have not,” the dating coach notes. 

“Although the Reddit examples are mostly women complaining about men, it can be instructive for women to get some insight into how hard it can be for men to generalize correctly,” Rachel continued. “Let's use a stereotypical example of a man showing a woman a shirt he likes. The woman may notice one or two features she thinks are relevant (perhaps the shape, or the collar) but the man might value completely different features (such as the length of the sleeves, or the fact that it doesn't need ironing). So the woman might try to create a ‘rule’ about which shirts he likes, but the rule may be wrong. Similarly, men may try to create a rule based on one or two pieces of jewelry, but get it wrong. We bring our own tastes and values to the process, and we will get it wrong unless you ask for a few more examples and discuss it!”

“If your man doesn’t have the very specific ability to choose the right jewelry, ask for other gifts rather than being disappointed: it’s not the most essential relationship skill!” Rachel added. “It might help to think of this skill as being like the ability to distinguish particular instruments in an orchestra: very nuanced, needs a lot of practice, not useful in any other context, and not something everyone can do.”

“The best way to communicate any requests for changes in behavior is to first show appreciation and then to be specific,” Rachel told Bored Panda. “Often we start with criticism, which doesn't achieve our goal of changing behavior – it just makes them feel bad and like giving up. We are more likely to change if we first feel good about ourselves. Don’t assume they haven’t put any effort into picking out the gift, just because you don’t like it.”

“Don't say ‘You just don't put any effort into gifts’, say ‘Thank you’ and then a few weeks later, suggest that you pick gifts together. Or have a list they can pick from or move to buying an experience (like theatre tickets or a boat ride) rather than a physical object. Don’t say ‘You just don't get me’, say ‘I’d love us to spend some time talking about what’s important to each of us,’” Rachel continued. “Don’t say ‘Stop patronizing me!’, say ‘That's lovely of you to try and help me. It's really important to me that I learn how to do this on my own. But I'd love it if you could clean the car/feed the baby/tidy up instead!’”

If you’d like to learn more about Rachel or seek her advice about your own dating life, you can find her website right here!