'Nice guy' is an informal term in Internet discourse, describing a man with a fixation on a friendship building over time into a romance or for his kindness to be rewarded with sex... Often, a 'nice guy' tries to provide a woman with emotional support when she is having difficulties with another male partner, positioning himself as the perfect alternative. Someone who "would never do such a thing." Someone who "respects" her.
However, when they get rejected, 'nice guys' can't take it. The possibility of ending up involuntarily celibate threatens their ego, so they safeguard it by retaliating against women, saying it's all their fault. "Girls only like a bad boy", they think. "Nice guys finish last."
Most of us know that. But what happens when they actually get a chance? Well, Reddit user Between3and20eh decided to find out. They asked the women who have let 'nice guys' into their lives what it was like. Luckily, their call was answered, and Between3and20eh's post has received over 1,000 comments. Here are some of them.
He tried to rape me because I "belonged to him and only him" now. He thought a girlfriend couldn't say no. I ended up putting him in the hospital.
He went out bowling with his friends and then when he came home he complained to me that for the first time in his life a hot girl had hit on him while he was out, and he was unlucky enough to actually have a girlfriend. He seemed genuinely sad he had to turn her down, and expected me to be greatful he did it.
Jessie-Anne Bird, an educational psychologist from Johannesburg, South Africa, who focuses on assessments and psychotherapeutic interventions with children and adolescents, told Bored Panda that the 'nice guy' isn't a psychological construct, so there the phenomenon hasn't been researched. "However, transactional expectations within relationships could be considered a form of objectification—the failure to view others as equal beings with needs, motivations, and emotions of their own," Bird said.
According to the psychologist, viewing others as simply existing to fulfill one's own needs may be associated with varying degrees of narcissism. "Narcissism can develop as a defense against feelings of inadequacy and vulnerability. Rejection may 'crack' the defense, leading to intense and difficult emotions, which can be acted out if one does not have appropriate emotional regulation skills."
We fell in love and got married. I did EVERYTHING for him, cooked, cleaned, did the gardening, took out the bins, sorted all the household stuff like bills and stuff, nursed him after a major surgery, ironed his shirts and made him packed lunches. In return he’d remind me how lucky I was he wasn’t one of those terrible guys who went out drinking all the time and that I was so lucky to have such a nice guy. He left me for a friend of mine and screwed me over financially by taking the bulk of our savings... I’ve now realised I don’t want “nice”, I’ve gotten myself a “bad boy” who also happens to be a “good man”. Sexy and thrilling but with a heart of gold.
He was a friend of a friend. We went on a date, and it just didn't click.
Last thing I heard from him was a long rant about how immigrants were stealing his chance to get a girlfriend "because girls like being mistreated by evil muslims, and the nice guy is forever alone". That's when I felt like I dodged a bullet.
Dated the ‘nice guy’ of my friend group because he was really interested in me and all my friends wanted me to give him a chance. I endured 6 months of him requesting my location at all times and showing up unannounced and uninvited when I was on nights out.
He claimed his behaviour was because he ‘had never dated someone as pretty as me’. Never again.
It's important to remember that people can change. "Sometimes they just lack the tools or insight to do so independently," Bird explained. "Change, however, requires an ability to reflect on one's actions—which needs one to be vulnerable and open to difficult emotions."
"We can all be 'nice guys' at times if we are not careful!" the psychologist pointed out. That being said, "one should be wary of people who have difficulty respecting personal boundaries, or feel entitled to another's time or attention. Pay careful attention to how others respond to boundary setting or have difficulty resolving conflict in a calm and understanding way."
Got another girl pregnant, a month before our wedding. But "he's such a nice guy".
Met him on Tinder and we went out to eat. He insisted on paying for it since I drove out there. We started dating and I remember thinking about 9 months in that we had never argued (quite opposite of my last relationship). We moved in together and adopted a dog together. The other day, we got in an argument and I realize that we have had arguments, he just actually talks about it instead of yelling. We close on a house and will reach our two year mark in a few weeks. I’m so glad I went against my normal type. I love him so much
Went on and on about what a great, compassionate guy he was. He was actually just your garden variety, abusive psycho.
He once said to me: “I wish you had been abused so you would realise how great I am”. What the hell. Who says that?!
Dr. Robert Glover, who's interested in 'nice guys', says these men are often trying to form "covert contracts" with the target of their affections. They have a sinister side. In the mind of the typical 'nice guy', Dr. Glover said, the person he is pursuing should repay his action by becoming his girlfriend or boyfriend. For him, that is how these things work. The 'nice guy' will lash out if he does not get what he wants, which might be indirectly influenced by misogynistic entitlement complexes.
In an earlier Bored Panda interview, counselor & psychotherapist Tati Silva said that misogyny occurs unconsciously, connecting with hatred that forms early in life, often as a result of a trauma involving a female figure they trusted. Of course, there are exceptions. “This doesn’t apply to everyone, there are genuinely nice guys and girls out there. That will be ok to be put in a friend zone, respecting your opinion. They won’t expect anything back," Silva said.
“For all the masked ‘nice guys’ out there, it is ok to be vulnerable, be yourself with the person that you would like to date, it might take you a few steps further in your relationship instead of a complete shutdown,” Silva suggested back then. “People have the right to say no and owe nothing in return. True kindness is given without expecting nothing in return.”
Not well. He was funny and friendly in public, but turned into a different person as soon as we were behind closed doors. He was basically your textbook abuser - manipulative, controlling, and demanding. He wanted to do some really weird and degrading (to me) sex stuff and acted like I was the psycho for not wanting to. He'd make angry comments like "I'm just trying to be romantic and YOU keep freaking out". I got out of the relationship before he could hit or rape me, but no question that was what the future held. Oh, and he still insisted that he was the nicest guy I'd ever meet.
He became abusive emotionally, I became pregnant, he insisted I keep it. My son is 8 and he’s seen him once.
I basically only matched with this guy on Tinder because he had a funny picture I wanted to comment on. The conversation was actually very pleasant and he asked me to have coffee. I figured I could use a friend.
He was super nice on our date, and even though I didn't find him attractive originally, him being so nice to me made me interested. I kind of felt like I had seen the light; maybe I should just date someone who is nice to me instead of just going after looks!
Very long story short; I ended up moving to another country for him. He became very controlling, moody and aggressive. It turned into an abusive relationship (emotionally and physically) and I don't trust my own judgement anymore.
He seemed a bit shy but goofy,smart and genuinely kind when he approached me, so I agreed to go out and we hit it off at first. Deep, meaningful conversation about our personal challenges, him quickly meeting my friends and me being the first person he called after a family emergency. We were both pretty vulnerable, but things were seemingly progressing somewhat well.
One day he was on Tinder in bed next to me and when called on it, he said that dating me had made him realize that he needed more confidence and experience with women and thus needed to date a lot more different people, but that he only f****d the others at their houses, so I was obviously his no1. I freaked, cried and broke things off - he called me the next day to casually ask me out to the new Hunger Games movie.
I got an STD-screening the next week - he harassed me at work for another 6 months. :)
I ended up filing a police report and moving apartments because he didn't take it well when I broke up with him. He spent hours outside my apartment demanding an explanation, because he just couldn't understand that I didnt want to he with him anymore. He was convinced someone had talked me into ending it, and if I would just hear him out I'd change my mind. Took 3 visits from the cops and a change of address before he got the message.
We dated, he was attentive and "not like the other guys". He wasn't my type really, but I HAD been dating people who genuinely treated me poorly and I thought it was time I made a more mature decision and dated someone with a job, who respected me, etc. He proposed super fast. I married him. Fast forward, he slowly became the most abusive person I have ever known, demanding that I devolve into his sex slave. He was addicted to porn, weed, video games, and belived he was "not like other guys". He was special, according to him. He was more honest, smarter, etc than anyone in the world and I didn't appreciate him enough. I became a prisoner in my own home, he controlled all the money and my social life. I was miserable. One day he physically attacked me, basically a coercive/physical rape attempt, and I fled my home in panicked fear. He sent me a manifesto email telling me that unless I can submit 100% to his complete sexual control at all times, I was not to come home (to the house we owned together). We're divorced now. He keeps trying to get me back, he "has changed" and misses me. Nice guys, not even once
He was always nice to me but very easily jealous anytime another guy spoke to me. We were just friends and only went out once yet he felt like he needed to make me feel bad whenever other guys gave me a little attention. He also had a horrible drinking problem and serious anger issues. And the whole time he was trying to woo me, he was also hooking up with his ex and ended up getting her pregnant. So yeah, no regrets about that.
All the guys I have known or dated that felt it necessary to label themselves "nice guys" turned out to absolutely awful humans. Either they had a bad temper, horrible morals, or just didn't want to take "no" for answer. One even turned out to be an emotionally abusive alcoholic.
The actual nicest guys I've dated or called friends were the ones who didn't feel the need to label themselves "nice guy". In fact, the best of them usually warned me and others that they were not all that nice, but always turned out to be the sweetest, most understanding, appreciative, and kind guys I've had the pleasure of knowing.
Talked big on how he had gone through so much in life and learnt so much that he finally got to a point where he considered himself a 'nice guy.'
Surprise surprise he wasn't..
Over the 4 times we hung out (casual setting) I went to find out that
-he had been arrested for punching a guy recently for no reason other than he was 'clicking his pen too much and wouldn't stop'
- the last girl he dated left him because he said some really f****d up derogatory things to her but HEY! NO WORRIES he's learnt from the past
- he was clingy and possessive and looked down on women who had multiple sexual partners
- he left a girl at the movie theatre late at night alone because she was boring
I NOOOOPED the hell out of that situation, but he continues to message me and hound me and beg me to give him a chance after I have told him repeatedly to leave me alone
the guy is 25 years old and acts like a 12 year old
Had a "nice guy" on tinder who didn't make it to date for the following reason.
He lived in a different city so he insisted on an all day date (lives about 50 mins away). I said I'm not comfortable subscribing to 8+ hours with someone I hadn't met yet, but he kept insisting I had to make it worth his while to come through. At this point I said I can't see it going anywhere and it was putting me under pressure and that made me feel a little uncomfortable, that realistically, it may not work out so let's just leave it.
So then he says he's gonna book a hotel and come through. Explained that's sweet but it's making me uncomfortable. So he says I can have the bed and hell be a gentleman and have the sofa... I explained that he seems to have the wrong idea, I'm not going to a hotel with him and I feel uncomfortable, I don't want to meet. He continues to press, saying he is nice guy, he won't make me have sex if I don't want to. I say I don't want to. I don't want to go to a hotel. I don't want to meet. It's too much pressure, and for someone I've not met, I feel uneasy, thanks, good luck with your search...
But apparently I need to give him a chance. He's willing to come all this way. I say no. He keeps finding new things to message me. Uses my phone number to add my snap chat and says he can see what street I'm on. At this point I start feeling very uneasy. I didn't know I had location on. I block him. He messaged on something else so I say I've got back with my ex. ( I see my ex a lot, we are good friends, he's happy to "have a word") so he starts going on about my ex had his chance and blew it, he is a much nicer guy than my ex, he will treat me like a princess and worship me and my ex has blown it etc etc. I tell him this is my choice. Thanks and goodbye. Please don't try to message me on anything else as it's not appropriate and I've already blocked on 3 things.
Fast forward 4 months and I move cities. I get an Instagram message. It's the nice guy saying he's seen my on bumble in this new city and even though we haven't matched it must not have worked out with my ex. He's using Instagram and can see I'm near the station (Is that even a thing?!) And we should go on that date that I owe him.
Blocked again. Had a friend stay over that night.
Went on two dates. He tried to drop by my work to 'surprise me' after the first one. Thought that was weird, but I was 19 and not wise to the ways of the world yet. On the second date, I told him that he seemed nice, but I wasn't feeling it.
Dude started SCREAMING at me to the extent that strangers had to intervene because he was using foul language and tried to grab my arm. To this day I'm glad I ended whatever that was in a public place, I have no doubt he would have gotten violent if it had been otherwise.
He emotionally manipulated me and then cheated on me and got the girl pregnant. Never again.
He sexually abused me. No one believed me though because he was "so nice and wasn't capable of doing anything like that"
He was charming, smart, funny, and successful. The personification of Southern Gentleman with an adorable "I can't technology" quirk. Lovely southern accent.
Managed to "accidentally" block me for months at a time, repeatedly, on phones that didn't have a blocking capability. Wouldn't tell me where he lived after almost a year. He didn't even want me to go to his city for a night out. "It's the man's job to come to the lady."
I dumped him, not because I thought he was cheating on me, but aside from the constant "oh I accidentally blocked you," I came to the conclusion he was using me to cheat on a wife or long-term partner and wanted no part of that.
He told everyone we had slept together on the first date, in the cinema when obviously we had not. Then he went to a house party without me and shared a bed with a near naked girl and bragged to me about it. He was really angry when I dumped him for it and went out with his best friend and did the whole 'left again for a bad guy when I was nothing but nice to you'
At first I was sympathetic that he hadn't really made any friends before we dated (starting at the end of our junior years of high school) and believed him when he talked about how "people always bullied him wherever he went" and "no one wanted to make friends with him." He also loved the idea of dating someone who was going to be a counselor because he thougth it was an admirable job.
Turns out he just wanted someone to be more of a therapist than a partner to him, and he would get upset if I didn't walk on eggshells around him. Later on he also started blaming me for not wanting to have sex with him every day. I was getting FREQUENT urinary tract infections (multiple a month at one point) and was physically unable to, but that was an excuse to him. He considered masturbating almost as reprehensible as cheating on him, so when I wouldn't be in the mood (every day) it would be my fault for masturbating (whether I had or not) and got to a point where I would just agree to get it over with and get him to leave me alone. He had a lot of weird ideas about sex and how it could only be missionary with very little foreplay or aftercare, so sex became this uncomfortable 2 minute daily dissociation that I got through for awhile because I thought that's what I had to do for someone to love me.
Turned out to be an awful human being. Was a nice shy guy at first but upon getting into a serious relationship that was just for the public. Behind closed doors was a very insecure person. He had decent looks but was short and skinny with glasses. I didnt mind and never used that against him but it affected his confidence and he took it out on everyone else. Even after trying to work on it for months and always reassuring him he ended up cheating on me several times and then hid behind the nice guy victim thing. Went and told everyone that I was out of his league and just using him as a place to live and I had been the one cheating which wasnt true. I moved out and got my own place immediately to proceed I could and cut all ties.
He said he would kill him self if I didn’t go out with him I didn’t and he’s still alive actually has a girlfriend too
He seemed nice and smart and funny. We worked together at a retail store. We went on one date and then he tried to get me to have sex with him in his car. The next day at work, he came up to me in an aisle and loudly told me that he thought I’d given him an STI because it hurt to pee. I was like, “Uh what? We didn’t do anything but make out.” He was adamant that he had something. He mentioned his back hurt so I said “Dude it sounds more like a kidney infection.” He said “Oh my dad gets those a lot.” He then disappeared and I never spoke to him again.
Unfortunately we dated for 7 years too long. I was his first girlfriend (we were in college) and he was the sweetest guy ever; not a mean bone in his body. My parents loved him, friends loved him, his family loved me, and everyone thought he was the one because how could he not be? He was so kind, polite, just an all around amazing guy - I loved him but I just never fell in love with him.
From the day we graduated, he really dialed it up a notch and everything he did revolved around wanting to “take care” of me. He just wanted to do everything for me so that I didn’t have to. He got a great job right out of college, bought a house, was making great money for the both of us and ...I don’t know. It really made me feel like I couldn’t be my own person or my own success story and that could never be if we stayed together.
I ended up being the one to break up with him. The entire world hated me for it but I made it easy for our mutual friends and just saw my own way out of our social circles. I got a lot of “how could you do this to him?” “How could you be so cruel?” and they were right in that I should have listened to my gut earlier and ended it years ago. In everyone’s minds, there was no justifiable reason why I would do that to such a great guy. To someone so perfect.
But in the end, I knew I wasn’t perfect for him. We went our own ways and he ended up marrying a wonderful woman, from what I’ve heard, and I married my now-husband. Today is our 1 year anniversary and we have a baby on the way, due in April. As he sleeps soundly next to me, I am so thankful that I made the decision I did. I can’t tell you how scary it is to think about what my life would have been like had I stayed. It terrifies me to think I wouldn’t have what I have now.
He proposed to me after we worked on a group project. When I turned down this guy I barely knew and definitely never dated he stalked and harrassed me for about half a year until he found his next "true love". He was a serial proposer.
I told him I wasn’t interested after a few dates. He then pushed and pushed and pushed to know WHY until I was so frustrated that I just told him every little thing I disliked or wasn’t into about him. He took it all in like research and then wrote me a three page letter explaining how much he was into me and how he knew we could get past those things. I told him I still wasn’t interested but we could be friends. We stayed friends until I started seeing a guy, who he definitely thought was the asshole in the asshole/nice guy dichotomy. He wouldn’t acknowledge my new relationship, so we stopped being friends.
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