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“I’ve Never Been Pretty Enough To Be A Bridesmaid”: Woman Confesses About How Her Friends Have Treated Her After Bride Asks Her To Be A Bridesmaid
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“I’ve Never Been Pretty Enough To Be A Bridesmaid”: Woman Confesses About How Her Friends Have Treated Her After Bride Asks Her To Be A Bridesmaid

Interview With Author
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We all know that who a person is inside is what’s truly important. But even now, it still astonishes us how mean adults can be to each other based just on someone’s appearance. Especially when it comes to someone’s weight. Fortunately, there are also some fantastic people out there who help restore others’ shattered self-esteem.

Redditor u/quinthfae shared an emotional story with the r/TrueOffMyChest online community about how she asked a good friend to be one of her bridesmaids. The bridesmaid’s reaction to hearing the news was completely heartbreaking. You’ll find the full story, in the redditor’s own words, below.

Bored Panda got in touch with the author of the post, Diana, u/quinthfae, and she was kind enough to answer our questions and share her thoughts on body positivity, compassion, and dealing with the stress of organizing a wedding. Read on for our full interview with her.

The reality is that some people will treat you with dignity while others will shun you based just on appearances

Image credits: Emma Bauso (not the actual photo)

A bride-to-be asked a friend to be a bridesmaid, but she wasn’t expecting the reaction that she got

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Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)

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Image credits: quinthfae (not the actual photo)

“My bridesmaid’s childhood friends only knew her alone as ‘the fat girl’ and I think that is why she was treated like an outcast and shooed out of photos.”

We wanted to get the post author’s opinion on why some adults are so cruel when it comes to someone else’s weight and appearance. “Speaking only from my own experience, I think that small communities (such as the one my friend is from) have less opportunity to meet a variety of folks and that makes it easier to see differences in appearance as a personal failing rather than simply a part of the naturally varied world we live in,” redditor u/quinthfae shared her thoughts with Bored Panda.

“That doesn’t mean folks in large communities can’t be bullies—they sure can—but in this instance, my bridesmaid’s childhood friends only knew her alone as ‘the fat girl’ and I think that is why she was treated like an outcast and shooed out of photos.”

Meanwhile, we were curious about the OP’s take on helping people become more compassionate, respectful, and tolerant. She pointed out that social media “has done a great job” of progressing the body positivity movement, “even though social media is also where a lot of hateful comments can also crop up.” Celebrities, stars, and public figures can have a massive impact by sharing their thoughts and photos on the internet.

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“The celebrities who proudly show off their appearances despite the hate have helped many people see beauty in different shapes and sizes and colors, so I credit a lot of the body positivity to the brave people putting themselves out there as positive representation. I also think plus-size shops have been wonderful! My friend gets to wear fun themed dresses now that she never had access to in childhood.”

Many of us know just how stressful organizing a wedding can actually be. Bored Panda was interested to hear what u/quinthfae’s would tell other marrying couples to help them deal with the pressure of it all.

“The advice I would give to other married-couples-to-be and that I am TRYING to give myself constantly, is that ultimately what matters is WHO shows up! As long as you’re surrounded by loved ones who are there to celebrate your union with joyful sincerity, the rest of it is just party details,” she said.

“It’ll be okay if you don’t reach the ‘perfect’ aesthetic you dreamed of. You may only have one wedding day, but that day is the start of your forever. You and your future spouse will find perfection together no matter what happens.”

Image credits: Al Elmes (not the actual photo)

The halo effect is something that everyone should be aware of

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The author of the post, u/quinthfae, explained how this was the very first time that her close friend was asked to be a bridesmaid, despite having helped a lot with tons of other weddings. The woman said that she has “never been pretty enough to be a bridesmaid,” and it is something completely heartbreaking to hear.

The OP said that she felt saddened and infuriated that this is how the bridesmaid had been treated in the past, for years and years. “I reassured her repeatedly that she IS pretty and I don’t care about her weight, I care about her heart, and she’s done more than enough to deserve a place beside me at my wedding, whether or not she hosts it in her backyard,” the redditor shared, adding that she deserves better friends.

The sad reality is that many people focus only on surface appearances. It’s what we call the halo effect, and it happens when someone’s positive first impressions of a person affect how they treat them later on.

Or, in other words, conventionally ‘pretty’ people can get away with doing a lot more than someone who might not fit what society has deemed to be ‘beautiful.’ So an attractive but otherwise heartless person might be rewarded while someone who might be a bit overweight is left sidelined, and their positive qualities are ignored. It’s unfair, but it’s a common cognitive bias.

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Image credits: Katelyn MacMillan (not the actual photo)

There are various reasons why adults tease others over their weight and appearance, but they’re not excuses to be awful

Plus-size people are often made fun of and joked about. Some folks do this because they’re trying to make others laugh and are simply ignorant of how their quips affect others. Meanwhile, others might want to make themselves feel better by putting others down. Broadly speaking, nobody should make fun of something that a person can’t change about themselves quickly. It’s immature and mean and we’re all better than that. However, fat and body shaming is something that can happen anywhere.

Some people feel uncomfortable seeing larger bodies, but there’s hardly a simple answer on how to change people’s perceptions, on a societal level. It’s a very complex issue, but the first step is slowing down, refraining from judging others so quickly, and acting in a more compassionate way. It’s essential that everyone should strive to have more empathy and consider things from other people’s points of view. Emotional maturity begins with considering how your actions affect those around you.

Image credits: Antoni Shkraba (not the actual photo)

The people who read the story shared their thoughts in the comments, and the author of the post responded to them in turn

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Jonas Grinevičius

Jonas Grinevičius

Author, BoredPanda staff

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Storytelling, journalism, and art are a core part of who I am. I've been writing and drawing ever since I could walk—there is nothing else I'd rather do. My formal education, however, is focused on politics, philosophy, and economics because I've always been curious about the gap between the ideal and the real. At work, I'm a Senior Writer and I cover a broad range of topics that I'm passionate about: from psychology and changes in work culture to healthy living, relationships, and design. In my spare time, I'm an avid hiker and reader, enjoy writing short stories, and love to doodle. I thrive when I'm outdoors, going on small adventures in nature. However, you can also find me enjoying a big mug of coffee with a good book (or ten) and entertaining friends with fantasy tabletop games and sci-fi movies.

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Jonas Grinevičius

Jonas Grinevičius

Author, BoredPanda staff

Storytelling, journalism, and art are a core part of who I am. I've been writing and drawing ever since I could walk—there is nothing else I'd rather do. My formal education, however, is focused on politics, philosophy, and economics because I've always been curious about the gap between the ideal and the real. At work, I'm a Senior Writer and I cover a broad range of topics that I'm passionate about: from psychology and changes in work culture to healthy living, relationships, and design. In my spare time, I'm an avid hiker and reader, enjoy writing short stories, and love to doodle. I thrive when I'm outdoors, going on small adventures in nature. However, you can also find me enjoying a big mug of coffee with a good book (or ten) and entertaining friends with fantasy tabletop games and sci-fi movies.

Rasa Žilinskaitė

Rasa Žilinskaitė

Author, Community member

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Rasa is a photo editor at Bored Panda, they have a college degree in photography and are currently studying sewing. Ever since childhood Rasa was interested in visual arts, including painting, photography, knitting and so on. When not at work or studying they like to knitting, cooking and spending quality time with their cats.

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Rasa Žilinskaitė

Rasa Žilinskaitė

Author, Community member

Rasa is a photo editor at Bored Panda, they have a college degree in photography and are currently studying sewing. Ever since childhood Rasa was interested in visual arts, including painting, photography, knitting and so on. When not at work or studying they like to knitting, cooking and spending quality time with their cats.

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jessica-bertram1 avatar
Jessica Bertram
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

(i am the fat friend). Before i was though, i got married. And i asked my two bestest friends in the whole wide world to stand with me. One has always been on the heavy side; the other is a gorgeous actress. I would NEVER elevate one over the other. And i would step into traffic for both. Now that i am obese (this is the year that changes, so cheer me on, my Panda darlings!) i am wracking my brain for memories of ANYONE shunting me aside. i have been to many weddings, and in none was i pushed out from pics. I think it has partly to do with the friends i have (god forbid anyone i love is THAT shallow), and partly to do with my personality: it is large and irrepressible. That makes my confidence higher, at least on the outside. but the internal uncertainty and loneliness that comes with being fat is real, and never really leaves.

carolyngerbrands avatar
Caro Caro
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

*cheering loudly*. You go girl. Tell you what, let's lose together.. I have stuffed my face since my husband's death and need to lose the "I don't care anymore" weight. If and when you need support you let me know and vice versa. Glad to know your confidence is ok and you having such good friends is precious.

Load More Replies...
alexandradavis avatar
Alexandra Davis
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This hits home. I wasn't allowed to be bridesmaid because I'm in a wheelchair. That but hard and I very nearly didn't go to the wedding but wanted to be the bigger person. Like I have any control over being unable to walk!

rpepperpot avatar
The Other Guest
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Your "friend" sucks. The best man at our wedding has been a wheelchair user since his late teens, and we never gave a single thought as to how it would look to ::gasp:: have a disabled person in our photos. And shockingly, none of our guests gave two hoots about his chair, either. I just don't understand how someone could consider a wedding or wedding photos to be "ruined" by having a disabled loved one at your side, and I'm very sorry your friend treated you so poorly.

Load More Replies...
dinsdale-holly avatar
Mis Stake 🇫🇮🇬🇧
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I find this all so odd. are people really piking there friends based on looks? What the HeII! Pictures from a wedding are meant to be about the people you love and care about sharing your happy day with you not something you can put in a magazine for others to judge

rchargel avatar
RafCo (he/him/ele)
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I honestly can't imagine the idea of somebody not being petty enough to be a bridesmaid. I've never seen anybody get glammed up and thought "they're not attractive enough". Every woman on earth looks beautiful when she feels beautiful. And every man looks good in good suit. Hell, I'm an ugly dude, but get me in my favorite suit and I'm Don Juan Demarco.

Load More Replies...
Load More Comments
jessica-bertram1 avatar
Jessica Bertram
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

(i am the fat friend). Before i was though, i got married. And i asked my two bestest friends in the whole wide world to stand with me. One has always been on the heavy side; the other is a gorgeous actress. I would NEVER elevate one over the other. And i would step into traffic for both. Now that i am obese (this is the year that changes, so cheer me on, my Panda darlings!) i am wracking my brain for memories of ANYONE shunting me aside. i have been to many weddings, and in none was i pushed out from pics. I think it has partly to do with the friends i have (god forbid anyone i love is THAT shallow), and partly to do with my personality: it is large and irrepressible. That makes my confidence higher, at least on the outside. but the internal uncertainty and loneliness that comes with being fat is real, and never really leaves.

carolyngerbrands avatar
Caro Caro
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

*cheering loudly*. You go girl. Tell you what, let's lose together.. I have stuffed my face since my husband's death and need to lose the "I don't care anymore" weight. If and when you need support you let me know and vice versa. Glad to know your confidence is ok and you having such good friends is precious.

Load More Replies...
alexandradavis avatar
Alexandra Davis
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This hits home. I wasn't allowed to be bridesmaid because I'm in a wheelchair. That but hard and I very nearly didn't go to the wedding but wanted to be the bigger person. Like I have any control over being unable to walk!

rpepperpot avatar
The Other Guest
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Your "friend" sucks. The best man at our wedding has been a wheelchair user since his late teens, and we never gave a single thought as to how it would look to ::gasp:: have a disabled person in our photos. And shockingly, none of our guests gave two hoots about his chair, either. I just don't understand how someone could consider a wedding or wedding photos to be "ruined" by having a disabled loved one at your side, and I'm very sorry your friend treated you so poorly.

Load More Replies...
dinsdale-holly avatar
Mis Stake 🇫🇮🇬🇧
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I find this all so odd. are people really piking there friends based on looks? What the HeII! Pictures from a wedding are meant to be about the people you love and care about sharing your happy day with you not something you can put in a magazine for others to judge

rchargel avatar
RafCo (he/him/ele)
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I honestly can't imagine the idea of somebody not being petty enough to be a bridesmaid. I've never seen anybody get glammed up and thought "they're not attractive enough". Every woman on earth looks beautiful when she feels beautiful. And every man looks good in good suit. Hell, I'm an ugly dude, but get me in my favorite suit and I'm Don Juan Demarco.

Load More Replies...
Load More Comments
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