Woman Asks If She’s Wrong For Not Allowing Her Unemployed And Homeless Boyfriend To Move In With Her
Interview
Moving in with your partner is a huge step in any relationship. Finally, your sleepovers never have to come to an end. You can enjoy dinner together every evening, and you get to be the first thing one another sees each morning. Paradise, right? Well, there are challenges that come along with living with your partner too. You have to agree on furniture you both like and decide together where to hang your gorgeous artwork. You’ll learn that leaving the toilet seat up or forgetting to wash your dishes might get you in trouble, and you can’t stay up late playing video games without anyone knowing. The decision to share a place should not be taken lightly.
That’s why one woman on Reddit is refusing to allow her boyfriend to move in with her. She anticipates that it won’t go well, so she’s decided to save them both the trouble. But she did reach out to the “Am I the [Jerk]?” subreddit asking if she was being too harsh for putting her foot down, so below, you can find her full explanation as to why she won’t shack up with her boyfriend, as well as some of the responses invested readers have left for her and an update on the situation she was kind enough to provide.
Then, after you’ve finished reading this piece, if you’d like to read another Bored Panda article featuring a woman who had reservations about moving in with her partner, check out this story next!
This woman has put her foot down after her unemployed, and now homeless, boyfriend expressed his desire to move in with her
Image source: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
Image source: RODNAE Productions (not the actual photo)
Image source: Cracked_Auto-maniac
Readers were quick to share their thoughts on the situation, so the girlfriend joined in on the conversation and provided additional details
We reached out to the woman who shared this story on Reddit to hear if there had been any updates on the situation, and she was kind enough to get back to us. “I’m happy to provide a few updates!” she told Bored Panda. “I have official broken up with my boyfriend (now ex), and he has agreed to give me the cat, so I can take it to a good home. I did not expect him to suddenly change, and I didn’t expect his living situation to suddenly change.” Well, it sounds like she definitely made the right choice, and I’m happy to hear the cat will have lovely new home as well.
It can be challenging to know when the right time to move in with your partner is. Some people feel comfortable getting a place together after only a few months, while others wait years before finally saying goodbye to their own, personal places. It’s completely up to the couple, but one of the most important things to keep in mind when deciding whether or not to move in together is how stable the relationship is. If it’s already rocky, moving in together is not likely to solve anything. In fact, it might exacerbate existing issues.
According to a study from Stanford University, about a quarter of American couples that eventually move in together decide to make the leap after only 4 months of dating. For 50% of couples, it takes a year to decide to share a place together, and for 70% of couples, they will become roommates by the time they’ve been together for 2 years. As this couple has already been together for 3 years, it’s not looking likely that they will ever share a place of residence.
But how do you know when it’s time to pop the question: should we move in together? According to Hilary I. Lebow at PsychCentral, there’s a checklist of things to be on the same page about before deciding to make the leap. First, she notes that you should be used to be spending lots of time around each other. It’s also important to have a conversation about finances. Will you split rent and groceries down the middle, or according to how much you each earn? You should get on the same page about chores as well. There’s nothing worse than living with someone who is extremely messy or who will be passive aggressive if you forget to wipe down the kitchen counter one time, so be sure to divvy up household responsibilities and stick to what you’ve agreed upon.
Both parties must also agree on boundaries set in the home. Are shoes allowed inside? Are phones allowed in the bedroom? Do you plan on having a pet? How often do you want friends over? Arguments are inevitable in any relationship, but they can be especially frequent when you first move in together. Make sure that you and your partner know how to argue in a healthy way. Listen and communicate effectively and directly.
Do you feel comfortable being yourself around your partner? That’s another important factor to consider before making the leap to share a place. “When you start dating someone, you may feel obligated to keep all of your typical, but occasionally humiliating behaviors… hidden from them,” Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo, a psychologist in Chicago, Illinois, told PsychCentral. “It may be time to live together if you’ve grown so comfortable that you’re not holding in gas or pretending to be a more delicate eater than you are.”
Finally, before deciding to live together, both partners should feel excited about it. If one is pressuring the other, or one is not fully invested in the relationship, moving in together will just be a disaster waiting to happen. There is nothing wrong with supporting your partner when they’re going through a hard time, but as many readers pointed out on this post on Reddit, there is no way of knowing that this man will ever get out of his current slump. This woman shouldn’t be expected to cater to him or wait around for him to finally reach his “peak” while she is unhappy. I’m glad to hear that she didn’t allow anyone to pressure her into letting him move in.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. If you were in this girlfriend’s situation, how would you respond? And then if you’re interested in reading another article featuring a woman who’s hesitant about moving in with her boyfriend, check out this story next.
Readers overwhelmingly agreed that the woman made the right choice, noting that she deserves to be with someone who contributes to the relationship
I don't understand the "giving my cat away" thing as a threat: The cat cannot move in due to FIV, whatever happens, so moving in means giving cat away?
If Feline Leukemia would prevent her adopting the cat, it would prevent her taking it along with the mooch, so the cat is being rehomed with strangers either way. This is one of those situations where you can't fix a man, and you need to stop trying, because he's going to make your life, and your home, miserable if you take him in.
You don't deserve me at my peak... Yeah well, since when do we need to earn the favour of being allowed another beings best behaviour? This mooch has it backwards. We behave our best to earn a relationship with a person that's also woth the relationship. If you can't put in the bare minimum effort, then you don't deserve being in a relationship. It's one thing to stand by someone who is sick or just really unlucky but still does their best. But a slop doesn't deserve that. They deserved being left to rot. Poor kitty though. But you can't saddle yourself with a death weight for a cat.
OP's bf already has a job. He's quite skilled @ it actually. Manipulating, gas lighting & exploiting people can get rather exhausting at times. What a Guy!! Why not use his cat? He uses people. He wants to use OP. Being alone is far better than being in an unhealthy relationship. OP needs to have a long look in the mirror or she'll be doomed to repeat this pattern.
What is wrong with you? Is he hung to his knees? Move on. And if his cat is that sick, it would be dead by now. No sympathy if you can't see the forest.
Makes me glad to live a happy life with my own house, a wonderful job I'm so glad to have, a playful pack of amazing dogs who are always happy to see me and love me without shallow conditions such as my weight, my face, sex, etcetera. I can't imagine giving up any of that or even half my bed for a man. What do they offer that's worth potentially living OP's nightmare? Nothing. Y'all can get offended, but all most men want is their game console and constant peace and quiet. You say it all the time. Because they don't nag or require emotional love all the time,, right? Well, dogs are forever loyal and loving and I know from having grown up with several the amazing benefits and relationships a woman can have with them. Reading all these stories makes me so happy I am single and emotionally sound. OP needs to get some self-respect and love herself.
Why OP stays with him is beyond me. SHE needs to go to therapy to figure out why she's stays in this relationship. Hoping he will change and become the man he was....delusional. She's holding on, using this as an excuse, the question is why does she not want or think she deserves better?
Plenty of men do, doesn't mean they know how to use them in a way that actually feels good for us or anything besides that. Example, jackhammering.
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This is from my long-long-ago past: "Women mate with men with the hope they can change them, men choose women with the hope they will remain the same."
This man has clear mental health issues, in addition to his financial problems. Since he is living with relatives, he is not homeless. But he still needs some sort of intervention. Hopefully his family will help him deal with his issues and get him to seek professional help. None of this is the OP's responsibility. In fact, it might help him if she breaks up with him. It will certainly help her.
NTA! The red flag is him getting angry - boundary and control issues. Stand your ground and protect your home and personal space, it's essential. You have no obligations, and if there's no joy, you're probably both better moving on, in the long run. Crazy to think anyone would say you should be guilted into being a servant to an entitled man, even if he is in difficulty. Codependency comes to mind.
serialkiller material.. if even the US ¨-American military wo takes almost everyone doesn't want him... RUN!
She mentioned in a later comment that they will not accept him because he doesn't meet the weight requirement. If he wants to get in, then he's going to need to put in some effort, which doesn't seem like his strong suit. I know quite a few people who learned good self discipline in the military and an improved work ethic, but they were also much younger and more malleable. He's coming up on 30 and is used to smoking weed, putting in minimal effort, and giving people attitude when they try to hold him accountable. People wash out of the military all time. Sure, they provide a lot of external pressure to mold your behavior and attitude, but it's not magic. He'll have to put the pipe down and do the work. Of course, as long as he doesn't qualify, he can kick that can down the road and pretend he has a real goal.
Load More Replies...
If I had a similar situation,I would had step in a long time ago,if my girlfriend needed a place to stay,she would had been in my place as soon as she needed a place,and we would had sat down and came up with some goals and a game plan,the love that I have for that person would had pushed all the doubt out, because I seen that person at her best,so me being loyal,and me loving that person,there would had been no other way..alot of you people here have probably never been with your true love or soulmate and if you have, hopefully you humble yourself,because sometimes it's better to give that person a chance,that chance might be all he needs..And if things don't work,at least you can sleep at night and know you tried..But that's what I would do,we all have different belief systems and we all see life differently... hopefully it does work out god-willing....
I don't understand the "giving my cat away" thing as a threat: The cat cannot move in due to FIV, whatever happens, so moving in means giving cat away?
If Feline Leukemia would prevent her adopting the cat, it would prevent her taking it along with the mooch, so the cat is being rehomed with strangers either way. This is one of those situations where you can't fix a man, and you need to stop trying, because he's going to make your life, and your home, miserable if you take him in.
You don't deserve me at my peak... Yeah well, since when do we need to earn the favour of being allowed another beings best behaviour? This mooch has it backwards. We behave our best to earn a relationship with a person that's also woth the relationship. If you can't put in the bare minimum effort, then you don't deserve being in a relationship. It's one thing to stand by someone who is sick or just really unlucky but still does their best. But a slop doesn't deserve that. They deserved being left to rot. Poor kitty though. But you can't saddle yourself with a death weight for a cat.
OP's bf already has a job. He's quite skilled @ it actually. Manipulating, gas lighting & exploiting people can get rather exhausting at times. What a Guy!! Why not use his cat? He uses people. He wants to use OP. Being alone is far better than being in an unhealthy relationship. OP needs to have a long look in the mirror or she'll be doomed to repeat this pattern.
What is wrong with you? Is he hung to his knees? Move on. And if his cat is that sick, it would be dead by now. No sympathy if you can't see the forest.
Makes me glad to live a happy life with my own house, a wonderful job I'm so glad to have, a playful pack of amazing dogs who are always happy to see me and love me without shallow conditions such as my weight, my face, sex, etcetera. I can't imagine giving up any of that or even half my bed for a man. What do they offer that's worth potentially living OP's nightmare? Nothing. Y'all can get offended, but all most men want is their game console and constant peace and quiet. You say it all the time. Because they don't nag or require emotional love all the time,, right? Well, dogs are forever loyal and loving and I know from having grown up with several the amazing benefits and relationships a woman can have with them. Reading all these stories makes me so happy I am single and emotionally sound. OP needs to get some self-respect and love herself.
Why OP stays with him is beyond me. SHE needs to go to therapy to figure out why she's stays in this relationship. Hoping he will change and become the man he was....delusional. She's holding on, using this as an excuse, the question is why does she not want or think she deserves better?
Plenty of men do, doesn't mean they know how to use them in a way that actually feels good for us or anything besides that. Example, jackhammering.
Load More Replies... This is from my long-long-ago past: "Women mate with men with the hope they can change them, men choose women with the hope they will remain the same."
This man has clear mental health issues, in addition to his financial problems. Since he is living with relatives, he is not homeless. But he still needs some sort of intervention. Hopefully his family will help him deal with his issues and get him to seek professional help. None of this is the OP's responsibility. In fact, it might help him if she breaks up with him. It will certainly help her.
NTA! The red flag is him getting angry - boundary and control issues. Stand your ground and protect your home and personal space, it's essential. You have no obligations, and if there's no joy, you're probably both better moving on, in the long run. Crazy to think anyone would say you should be guilted into being a servant to an entitled man, even if he is in difficulty. Codependency comes to mind.
serialkiller material.. if even the US ¨-American military wo takes almost everyone doesn't want him... RUN!
She mentioned in a later comment that they will not accept him because he doesn't meet the weight requirement. If he wants to get in, then he's going to need to put in some effort, which doesn't seem like his strong suit. I know quite a few people who learned good self discipline in the military and an improved work ethic, but they were also much younger and more malleable. He's coming up on 30 and is used to smoking weed, putting in minimal effort, and giving people attitude when they try to hold him accountable. People wash out of the military all time. Sure, they provide a lot of external pressure to mold your behavior and attitude, but it's not magic. He'll have to put the pipe down and do the work. Of course, as long as he doesn't qualify, he can kick that can down the road and pretend he has a real goal.
Load More Replies... If I had a similar situation,I would had step in a long time ago,if my girlfriend needed a place to stay,she would had been in my place as soon as she needed a place,and we would had sat down and came up with some goals and a game plan,the love that I have for that person would had pushed all the doubt out, because I seen that person at her best,so me being loyal,and me loving that person,there would had been no other way..alot of you people here have probably never been with your true love or soulmate and if you have, hopefully you humble yourself,because sometimes it's better to give that person a chance,that chance might be all he needs..And if things don't work,at least you can sleep at night and know you tried..But that's what I would do,we all have different belief systems and we all see life differently... hopefully it does work out god-willing....
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