Mom Gives A Shoutout To ‘Voluntarily Involved Grandparents,’ Sparks Big Debate On TikTok
A couple of years ago, my whole family lived in another country for about six months, and when my MIL came to visit us for a week, my wife and I suddenly realized that we had the first opportunity in months to just walk down the street together. Only the two of us, not three, four or five. Because having voluntarily involved grandparents is a game changer.
No, this in no way means that you need to shift the burden of parenthood entirely onto the shoulders of your parents – after all, they have already been parents themselves. But when you have a grandparent (or both, or even 4) who see their role as more than just having some flashy family photos twice a year – it’s damn great. And that’s exactly what this viral TikTok video is about.
More info: TikTok
The author of the video supposes that the biggest flex of being a parent is having voluntarily involved grandparents
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
“Without question, the biggest parenting flex isn’t the mom car, not how much you make a year”
“It’s not how well behaved your kids are. Biggest flex is having involved grandparents. Voluntarily involved. Holy [meatballs], having that midday struggle with my children and then getting that text from grandma: ‘Hey, can I pick so and so up for a sleepover tonight?’ Ha ha ha, funny you should say that! Her bag has been packed. Never unpacked it. She’s ready.”
Image credits: @kelsey_p90
“Grandparents that want to be involved? Ten out of ten!”
“Ones that you can text like, ‘Hey, can you fly up this weekend? We need your help.’ ‘Sure, no problem!’ I don’t know what kind of reaction that was. But it came within the depths. Nothing beats it. Nothing beats a grandparent that wants to do more than required to get that yearly Facebook Happy Birthday Grandma post. You know, I’m talking about they want to go above and beyond.”
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
“The worst part is, it’s kind of not common”
“A lot of the times people don’t have help, and I am sorry. That [really] blows. We know it’s their loss. We know. Who doesn’t want to be involved with their grandchildren? Anyways, I digress. I know it’s true. Having the village actually involved. Top tier. Winning. Grandma, Grandpa, we [really] love you.”
You can watch the original video here:
@kelsey_p90 Top tier 🙌🏻🙌🏻 #fyp #foryourpage #foryou #momtok #mom #moms #momlife #momsbelike #momsoftiktok #sahm #grandparents #grandparentsoftiktok #grandma #grandpa #parenting #parentsoftiktok ♬ original sound – Kelsey P
So, the Original Poster (OP), a TikTok mom named Kelsey (@kelsey_p90), claims that among the biggest flexes of parenting, nothing can beat a grandma or grandpa who can just call and ask if they could pick up the kids for a sleepover tonight. Or whom you can call with a similar question – and they will happily agree.
Kelsey calls such grandparents voluntarily involved grandparents, and reasonably states that their presence makes parenting much easier – especially since there are many grandparents, based on the comments on the original video, who took full advantage of the help of their own parents twenty or thirty years ago – and today don’t want to follow their example at all.
“I’m so jealous of parents who have this,” one of the commenters wrote. “My mom hasn’t seen my kids in like two years.” Of course, the distance factor can also play a significant role here, but there is an old, wise saying: “They who doesn’t want are looking for a reason. They who want are looking for a means.” Well, if they also live nearby, then this is generally a perfect combo! “I’ve got 4 involved Grandparents that live within 5 miles… They are worth more than gold,” another commenter added.
Image credits: Alena Darmel (not the actual photo)
By the way, numerous studies really confirm that regular communication with grandparents, having their emotional support, is important for children. “Also important in terms of emotional support was the [children’s] perception of their grandparent’s motivation for involvement; that whatever the type of extra-curricular activity or hobby, young people felt their grandparents wanted to be involved,” another study notes.
And that’s exactly what Kelsey is talking about. After all, kids, like a perfectly calibrated emotional barometer, will perfectly sense any lie, even if unspoken. They will always feel it if grandparents babysit them simply out of despair, and so on. However, another important factor here is respect for the parenting style, because many grandparents feel not like helpers in this process, but almost its main participants.
People in the comments to the original video also more than agree with this. “Biggest biggest flex – having voluntarily involved grandparents that respect your parenting style and boundaries,” one of the commenters claimed. In other words, if your parents, or your spouse’s parents, are like that – then congrats, you’re in luck! If not… well, maybe a decade or two will pass, and you will become such grandparents? And what do you, our dear readers, think about this video?
People in the comments mainly agreed with this mom, claiming that she’s really lucky to have such grandparents at her side
I just realised that it's not a default that grandparents go nuts about their grandchildren. In my country (Croatia) and in the matter of fact whole Mediterranean, it's a default that grandparents will spoil their grandchildren to the bone if given a chance
As a grandparent to three, I can't imagine being any other way.
Load More Replies...Shout out to the adopted grandparents!!! We don’t have any family close by but our neighbors have adopted us and our kids. ( 4 kids 8 and under) My kids ADORE their Nana and Poppi and so do I. So so so grateful!!!!
My MIL is super involved, but often too involved to the point that she just starts making parenting decisions for us. Or now that our kids are older, she'll just text them and make plans directly with them without asking us what our plans are. Have had to set up some healthy boundaries to ensure she doesn't usurp our roles as parents while also giving her the time with the kids that she wants and giving us the help we need.
In Ukraine, they will constantly urge you to make them grandkids and then they'll try to practically raise them, 24/7. The idea of distant grandparents sounds so strange to me
I never had a grandparent growing up. My last surviving grandparent, my father's mother, died when I was less than two years old, I hardly remember her at all, and I was determined to be there for my son's daughters. Luckily for me, we live very close to each other, and I get to spend time with them 3-4 times a week. I couldn't imagine not being part of their lives, they are my sunshine and the joy in my life!
My in-laws are quite literally the best voluntary grandparents. Like top notch. Can't beat 'em. Absolute best. They go above and beyond every single day for my kids (we live with them HAPPILY). I wouldn't want anyone else to help me raise my nuggets. LOVE YOU J&C!
I'm a Nana of 3 and love spending time with my grandkids. The littlest is still too young for sleepovers but the older two will happily come hang out. They have everything they need here so no need for Mum to even pack a bag for them. Sometimes it's just one when they need time apart because siblings lol. A simple afternoon always turns into a sleepover. We plan, they make their own shopping list for meals, we shop, they help cook and bake, choose movies etc, even "theme" nights sometimes. My world is so much richer with them in it.
When my youngest was born, my MIL was in a motorized wheelchair, couldn't take more than two steps unaided, was a little... spacey and confused (and only about 48). I was very hesitant about leaving a 2-month-old with her, but hubs wanted us to go out for New Year's. FIL would be there the whole time. When we came to pick up, MIL was walking around the livingroom, singing and bouncing baby like nothing had ever been wring with her. She parked the wheelchair, has since been my full time babysitter, as well as for her other 3 grandchildren later (her other son's children). She even went back to working part time. Grandkids honestly saved her life. (I only wish my mother had still been alive to meet my youngest. She was invaluable when my oldest was born, without ever being pushy, demanding, or ignoring my boundaries.)
My mother-in-law & father-in-law have passed, so my kids have my mom, her husband, my dad, and his wife. My mom and her husband live just five hours away, but VERY rarely come to see my kids. It's like they're not important to her. Her dogs are her life. They're giant dogs and not trained. I refuse to bring my young kids to her house because she will prioritize her dogs. It's so sad and I hate it. My dad and his wife live far away and have never visited my kids, but will soon. They seem more interested in making the effort to come see them (they're only recently in my life - I did not grow up with my dad). We have no friends, so we literally have NO ONE. And I see all of these grandparents out there who LOVE being a grandparent and do everything they can to spend time with their grandkids and I'm so so sad I don't have that. :-(
My mother and MIL are involved and love the kids. They spoil them, they take them out for walks, whenever they can. The only issue is they don't live close enough, but I'm grateful for 2 weekends each month, family for birthdays and Christmas together. Also my MIL was living with us for 2 weeks after the birth of each kid. Since my second was in NICU for a month, she stayed for 2 weeks after I got out of hospital and then another 2 weeks when we took him home. I would definitely do it for my kids if they want my help.
My mom's parents were always there for me and Mom. We lived on the second floor of their house and they took care of me when my mom had to work. My dad's family was the exact opposite. They've made me feel like I wasn't even part of the family.
I didn't have a grandfather growing up. My mom's dad passed years before us kids and my dad's dad divorced my grandma and just kept far, far away. But I didn't miss out. My grandma was always taking us to her house and her sister, my great aunt, was like another grandparent always wanting to take us for ice cream. I've told her how much that meant to not feel like I ever lacked anything.
My parents are voluntarily involved. They live 5 hours away. If they're near us, they picked the kids up for every little errand. My in-laws live 1/4 mile away. They never asked to spend time with our kids. My sister-in-law took their kids and left her husband (their son) and they effectively cut contact with our kids losing all of their grandkids. No reasoning. No excuses. Nothing. But when our kid got married they were shocked when they didn't get an invitation.
I was a high school teacher. Kids who lived near or with their extended families were a different kind of human than kids who only had their parent/s. More secure in themselves and the world than their more isolated peers.
My childs grandparents were involved when he was 1-5 months old. Now they are angey and petty at US because he grew too big for them to hold and they got bored of him 😔
The problem is in the United States, where it is normal for children to leave the family home when they go to university and it is not uncommon for them to live at the other end of the country or in another state, which does not facilitate family relationships. In this way the grandparents/grandchildren relationship is broken, something that does not usually happen in Europe or other continents.
My grandmothers lived in a European country and showed very little interest in me. I lived in U.S. and went once to visit them over a summer and was blown away by how badly they treated me. I refused to go back. So yeah, it's got to do with culture all right, but Europe doesn't get a pass.
Load More Replies...I just realised that it's not a default that grandparents go nuts about their grandchildren. In my country (Croatia) and in the matter of fact whole Mediterranean, it's a default that grandparents will spoil their grandchildren to the bone if given a chance
As a grandparent to three, I can't imagine being any other way.
Load More Replies...Shout out to the adopted grandparents!!! We don’t have any family close by but our neighbors have adopted us and our kids. ( 4 kids 8 and under) My kids ADORE their Nana and Poppi and so do I. So so so grateful!!!!
My MIL is super involved, but often too involved to the point that she just starts making parenting decisions for us. Or now that our kids are older, she'll just text them and make plans directly with them without asking us what our plans are. Have had to set up some healthy boundaries to ensure she doesn't usurp our roles as parents while also giving her the time with the kids that she wants and giving us the help we need.
In Ukraine, they will constantly urge you to make them grandkids and then they'll try to practically raise them, 24/7. The idea of distant grandparents sounds so strange to me
I never had a grandparent growing up. My last surviving grandparent, my father's mother, died when I was less than two years old, I hardly remember her at all, and I was determined to be there for my son's daughters. Luckily for me, we live very close to each other, and I get to spend time with them 3-4 times a week. I couldn't imagine not being part of their lives, they are my sunshine and the joy in my life!
My in-laws are quite literally the best voluntary grandparents. Like top notch. Can't beat 'em. Absolute best. They go above and beyond every single day for my kids (we live with them HAPPILY). I wouldn't want anyone else to help me raise my nuggets. LOVE YOU J&C!
I'm a Nana of 3 and love spending time with my grandkids. The littlest is still too young for sleepovers but the older two will happily come hang out. They have everything they need here so no need for Mum to even pack a bag for them. Sometimes it's just one when they need time apart because siblings lol. A simple afternoon always turns into a sleepover. We plan, they make their own shopping list for meals, we shop, they help cook and bake, choose movies etc, even "theme" nights sometimes. My world is so much richer with them in it.
When my youngest was born, my MIL was in a motorized wheelchair, couldn't take more than two steps unaided, was a little... spacey and confused (and only about 48). I was very hesitant about leaving a 2-month-old with her, but hubs wanted us to go out for New Year's. FIL would be there the whole time. When we came to pick up, MIL was walking around the livingroom, singing and bouncing baby like nothing had ever been wring with her. She parked the wheelchair, has since been my full time babysitter, as well as for her other 3 grandchildren later (her other son's children). She even went back to working part time. Grandkids honestly saved her life. (I only wish my mother had still been alive to meet my youngest. She was invaluable when my oldest was born, without ever being pushy, demanding, or ignoring my boundaries.)
My mother-in-law & father-in-law have passed, so my kids have my mom, her husband, my dad, and his wife. My mom and her husband live just five hours away, but VERY rarely come to see my kids. It's like they're not important to her. Her dogs are her life. They're giant dogs and not trained. I refuse to bring my young kids to her house because she will prioritize her dogs. It's so sad and I hate it. My dad and his wife live far away and have never visited my kids, but will soon. They seem more interested in making the effort to come see them (they're only recently in my life - I did not grow up with my dad). We have no friends, so we literally have NO ONE. And I see all of these grandparents out there who LOVE being a grandparent and do everything they can to spend time with their grandkids and I'm so so sad I don't have that. :-(
My mother and MIL are involved and love the kids. They spoil them, they take them out for walks, whenever they can. The only issue is they don't live close enough, but I'm grateful for 2 weekends each month, family for birthdays and Christmas together. Also my MIL was living with us for 2 weeks after the birth of each kid. Since my second was in NICU for a month, she stayed for 2 weeks after I got out of hospital and then another 2 weeks when we took him home. I would definitely do it for my kids if they want my help.
My mom's parents were always there for me and Mom. We lived on the second floor of their house and they took care of me when my mom had to work. My dad's family was the exact opposite. They've made me feel like I wasn't even part of the family.
I didn't have a grandfather growing up. My mom's dad passed years before us kids and my dad's dad divorced my grandma and just kept far, far away. But I didn't miss out. My grandma was always taking us to her house and her sister, my great aunt, was like another grandparent always wanting to take us for ice cream. I've told her how much that meant to not feel like I ever lacked anything.
My parents are voluntarily involved. They live 5 hours away. If they're near us, they picked the kids up for every little errand. My in-laws live 1/4 mile away. They never asked to spend time with our kids. My sister-in-law took their kids and left her husband (their son) and they effectively cut contact with our kids losing all of their grandkids. No reasoning. No excuses. Nothing. But when our kid got married they were shocked when they didn't get an invitation.
I was a high school teacher. Kids who lived near or with their extended families were a different kind of human than kids who only had their parent/s. More secure in themselves and the world than their more isolated peers.
My childs grandparents were involved when he was 1-5 months old. Now they are angey and petty at US because he grew too big for them to hold and they got bored of him 😔
The problem is in the United States, where it is normal for children to leave the family home when they go to university and it is not uncommon for them to live at the other end of the country or in another state, which does not facilitate family relationships. In this way the grandparents/grandchildren relationship is broken, something that does not usually happen in Europe or other continents.
My grandmothers lived in a European country and showed very little interest in me. I lived in U.S. and went once to visit them over a summer and was blown away by how badly they treated me. I refused to go back. So yeah, it's got to do with culture all right, but Europe doesn't get a pass.
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