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40 Examples Of Toxic Positivity, As Called Out By Women In This Online Group
Very often, when people open up about their problems or negative thoughts they have, the first instinct of the other person is to cheer them up, try to reassure them that everything will work out and that there are worse things that could happen. People who try to make the troubled person feel better don’t usually mean any harm, but they actually are forcing positivity on a person that can’t see the lighter side of the situation at that moment.
Dismissing negative emotions, trying to forcefully see something good in a terrible situation and trying to find false reassurances is called toxic positivity. It often becomes a way to respond to a distressful situation when you don’t know what else to say. But feeling the emotions that you’re having is important, regardless of whether they are positive or negative.
People in the subreddit AskWomen understand that and share some phrases they would consider to fall under the toxic positivity category and would like to stop hearing. What they would like to hear instead is compassion and well wishes.
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“It all made you stronger”
It rubs me the wrong way because it invalidates all the bulls**t I had to claw through. I made me stronger. Trauma made me weak, tired, and a repulsive version of myself. If I allowed that to control my life’s outcomes I would be in a dark ass place.
I put in the work. I made me strong. All that destroyed me.
My grandma telling me that I have to put up with nasty family members “because they’re FaaaMilYYYYYyyyy”.
Gtfo, they are bad people and I’m not going to let them poison my life because we’re related.
For the longest time for me it was; "Stop being gay when grandma's over! it upsets her!" Like wow! Where is the off switch?
Hey Grandma, stop being homophobic when I'm here.
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You can't choose your biological family, but you CAN choose whether or not they a part in your life (at least once you are old enough to have those choices, minors are kind of stuck, especially if they have parents who don't give a crud).
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb!
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I told my mom--why do I have to unconditionally love someone who I wouldn't even go for coffee with if we weren't related? (she did not like it)
You mean the same family that knew we were being abused and did nothing? *THAT* family?
My mom telling me this about my abusive younger brother, even as she cuts all ties and refuses to ever talk again to her abusive younger brother 🤨
I've cut several family member out of my life, one being my youngest brother. My mother always wanted us to stick together & she truly believed in "family", but I refuse to have anything to do with a family member who won't help when desperately needed. Especially when I was the one who was ALWAYS there to help when his raving alcoholic ex-wife was trashing his life!
Often comes with "I did it because I love you, care about you". Doesn't mean it didn't hurt, was wrong and traumatized me.
One of the best things I learned in therapy - I am under NO obligation to keep harmful, abusive, or toxic people in my life, no matter who they are.
Spot on! I am a lot closer to my friends from various organizations than I am to my family, because a lot of the latter are a**holes.
Load More Replies... Good for you. I dumped my family many years ago and my life is soooooooo much better now. Just because they are family doesn't mean you have to live with them.
Maybe if we all stopped putting up with family members being jerks they would be less jerk-ish.
No , no you definitely don’t. I’ve disowned at least one and my life is considerably easier.
Any family member of mine who uttered the n-word around me is no longer in my life. Hate to say that now means the vast majority of them are no longer in my life but I was just done with it. Went to a wedding and they all said the most vile things and I remember looking at my grandfather and saying "You say that word one more time and I am getting on a plane and never speaking to you again." He did and I followed through. My sister sometimes tries to guilt me that he is old and dying and misses me, I told her it was his decision and not mine, he chose being racist over having a relationship and all he needed to do was call me and apologize for being racist and admit he was wrong but he has never done that. Haven't spoken to my mother's side for so long I completely forgot most of their names. Couldn't recall my grandfather's name at all when someone asked me.
Hot take: Just because your parents are the cause of your life does not mean you have to love them. They may have created you, but a lot of them don't properly raise their kids. Same with other family, too. Being related by blood doesn't force them to be nice to you, so why should it force you to be nice to them?
I REALLY dont want to be rude here, but she is pretty ugly.
This is so true. Fortunately I have a great family, but I know someone who is just constantly hurt and belittled by theirs and they still find it very hard to get away from this "but they're family" mantra. I can understand it's probably extremely painful to cut them out (or severely limit their interactions, or create hard boundaries, or whatever other methods) despite the pain they're causing.
Yuck. This one. I don’t do asshat family members. When my uncle bitched that I wasn’t at my mothers bedside when she died I told him a) Covid restrictions wouldn’t allow it b) She hadn’t seen me face to face in 8 years and c) I was done in 2012 when she couldn’t even be bothered to drive half an hour when I was in ICU in an induced coma from a massive brain haemorrhage. So screw that
MTN, one can be tolerant about annoying quirks, such as grandpa telling the same jokes or be understanding about family members going through a hard time, such as someone being grouchy because their spouse left them. Abuse is not something that one "tolerates" or "understands" - one does not excuse the abuser while blaming the targets for trying to protect themselves.
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"You don't need medication for depression or anxiety. You just need to go outside and smile more!"
When my husband passed away unexpectedly at age 50 (together 32 years) more than one person said to me " my divorce was like a death too". Nope, not even close.
When my dad passed away, a lot of people told me 'he's in a better place.'
I know it's super common to say, but we're not religious in the slightest and we wanted him here, for f**k's sake.
I always found that insulting after my father died. I get people don't know what to say when one dies, but this was the biggest slap in the face for me.
"You'll change your mind" and every sentences I can hear when I tell people I don't want kids. That toxic mentality of women have to be mothers. I've realized at 12yo that I never want kids. 13 later, I still haven't changed my mind. My husband also doesn't want kids so at least we're on the same page.
Everything happens for a reason or God never gives you more than you can handle.
If God supposedly never gives you more than you can handle, then please explain all the suicides, addicts, people with depression and other mental health issues etc.
Just don't think about it.
Thanks mom, sure my constant headaches will go away when I just don't think about it! A 12 year old shouldn't have headaches non-stop in the first place but whatever.
I have had migraines my entire life. Once a doctor told me they were simply, "all in my head". Yes, yes they were. And that day it was right in my left temple. Some doctors are complete idiots with no empathy.
Pretty much everything about using the power of prayer and positive thinking to attract good things to your life and protect you from negative experiences and outcomes. It's all victim-blaming bulls**t. Telling someone that they should simply put more effort into their positive thoughts/prayers and that they are attracting the negative things that are occurring in their lives is incredibly inappropriate and sh**ty.
It is all code for "You are ultimately to blame for everything that happened to you." I even heard that the "power of attraction" means the Jews brought the Holocaust on themselves. No joke. It was in a book about positive thinking. WTF?!
'you have it much better than other people'
Okay, I know that's true. But I hate it when people invalidate my experience without being in my shoes.
‘You think that’s bad? Wait til you hear what happened to me - it’s worse!’
Yours maybe worse but this is the worst I have delt with. I hate it when people say that it is not a competition.
I lost my first pregnancy earlier this year. It sucked massively and I fell into a depression. A close family member just kept trying to make me 'see the positive side of it'. It's been a while now but to this day, I see no frigging positive side of having lost my child. That, to me, was toxic positivity at its best.
I'm so sorry you've had to endure this toxic comment. I've been waiting 15 years for a reason my healthy 26yo died.
“At least he doesn’t hit you!” like wow I’m supposed to put up with allllllll the BS because he’s doing something he should?
My stepdad was an abusive alcoholic when I was little (in high school he was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance and it was treated, making him the most amazing dad ever). When I expressed the desire to divorce my first husband whom had been cheating on me for over a year with the same woman, and with other women in years prior, my mom asked, "are you sure that is bad enough for you to end your marriage??". Which made me stay for 5 more years. I guess in perspective, no, it wasn't as bad as what we had been through with my stepfather, but... really???
Different variations of "You can't have kids? Take mine for a day and you'll be happy you don't have one of your own! Kids suck lol" Yeah, you being a s***ty parent certainly makes me feel better about being infertile.
In group therapy someone said that they're proud, they never got depressed, no matter what life threw at them. Because they're such a positive and strong person. With a person with depression sitting right next to them.
I am glad I don't have a tendency towards depression either. But I'm not proud of it, because it's a sickness you're prone to, or you aren't. It's not a weakness. And the fact that we're all sitting together in group therapy shows that we all have one or another unhealthy coping mechanism in place and so far, we weren't able to positive-think our way out of them.
There's someone for everyone. You just need to believe and you will find love. No, there isn't and no, love isn't guaranteed.
Perhaps there isn't someone for everyone but a lot of people have ridiculously high expectations. I have a permanently single friend who is not very handsome and will only date model-looking women (without much success). Gets offended when someone points it out to him and I know a lovely girl who fancies him but "he likes her but she's not his type looks-wise"...
Someone told me I was “polluting” their space with “my sadness”. I asked them wtf they meant (because I wasn’t acting sad or even saying anything) and they said they could “feel” a “deep sadness” in me and that my presence itself was harmful. Like holy s**t talk about thought police
Once on a bus after visiting my terminally ill mother in the hospital a woman turned the baby stroller around so that the baby faced away from me and said to her friend "I don't want anyone to look at my child like this". Bitch, I just visited my dying mother, I am NOT sorry that my sadness offended you.
“I just strive to be an honest person. I’m sorry if it hurt you”.
Some s**t should just not be said ok?
“Life will be easier if you just accept that you’ll be doing most of the house work”…. Ex-boyfriends mom in response to a conversation about how ex-boyfriend did not help with chores.
Something along the lines of “you have as many hours in the day as Beyoncé.” I just can’t even begin with how much I hate everything about that.
"Having expectations on relationships only lead to disappoiment" So am I supposed to put up with whatever the f**k they want to treat me? Wtf.
They meant well somewhat. Expectations can be bad, but that is meant totally different. Hard to explain for me in english, maybe someone could find better words? It’s like having the expectation to be loved coz you did something for someone. It’s the expectation you put on others to make you happy. That’s not how this works. You can only control yourself, your actions, your feelings (somewhat) But you can keep your expectations in check. Don’t confuse this with boundaries or rules, anticipation, or apathy. Sure you can expect your partner to be loyal, honest and so on, doesn‘t mean you can control them though. But you can control how much you trust them, and how far you wanna challenge this expectation or trust. Alot in life is about how WE handle it and less the actions put in front of us. We often confuse this actio/reactio as causality, neglect the control we ourselves have and put our life(happiness) in other people’s hands. That you might wanna prevent.
"If I can do it, you can do it."
i never understood this one. if you can do it, then i can do it, because i am inherently better than you and so anything you can do is clearly within my superior grasp? is that what you're saying? or are you saying that everyone has exactly the same abilities?
"You either trust me or you don't. Trust doesn't get built" - said my disgusting ex earlier in our relationship
A YouTube video opened my eyes on how body positivity can be toxic. I've realized I'm just body-neutral. I don't think my body is beautiful and I don't have to! I'm more than my body and I'm at peace with it even if I wish some things were different. They don't affect my self-esteem.
"well, everyone has a little bit of depression here and there." ok and that's supposed to make me feel better or something?
Having depression and being a bit depressed as in temporarily down/upset, is not the same
"You are only hurting yourself when you are crying look I'm unaffected."
"Don't waste your time worrying about it." Sorry but I can't help it
Fake it till you make it. Ugh. The f**king worst.
One of the most dumb ideas I've ever heard. I got group jumped by fellow managers when I told the lead manager I didn't know how to accomplish a certain task. They all gasped and looked at me like I'd took a dump on the breakfast table. One of the managers leans over and says you're not supposed to say that you don't know, you fake it till you make it. I went off on her and the rest of them. I was in the Marine Corps. That idea would get you killed or your team killed! It is best that you know each others strengths and weaknesses so that you can plan accordingly. If someone doesn't know how to do something that they should or need to in the circumstances then you provide the tools and education to raise them up, thus elevating the whole group. You don't leave them floundering in the dark, fearful of f'ing up because they're left to their own devices.
"Its not your situation. Its about how you react to it." - my bff
And how am I suppose to react to office sexual harassment of a senior management without the risk of losing my job and not be able to pay my rent, dare I may say???? There's also the risk of ruining connections and forever barring me from the industry completely.
I was venting to my friend. All I needed was to vent and cry. I know the consequences involved with even a tiny move against this person who has such great influence my chosen feild. No, I cant just "react" my heart out, dear.
The HR person at my old job told me to "lean in more" when I requested a meeting about sexism in the office.
HR isn't there for the employees, they are there for the employer and for their own job security.
Not sure if this fits, but "Just keep eating. Don't worry about how much. Eat until you're happy" Eat until I'm happy? I prefer to separate food from emotion, thank you. I've seen people approach the brink of passing aaway by tying food and emotion. No thank you. Not for me.
"the act of smiling makes you feel better, so even if you're feeling really bad you can start smiling and eventually your feelings will catch up" No thank you
There's actually science behind this one. Studies conclusively proved that even a fake smile causes your brain to produce dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. I've used this to help me when I'm depressed, by seeking out things that will make me smile and laugh. And it does help me manage my depression.
When I vent I don't enjoy a certain aspect of my jobs to a friend/colleague: "but it won't be any different in a different field"
Well thank you that is very relevant
I've learned that a LOT of people don't understand the difference between when someone needs a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to, and when they actually want advice or help. If you're not sure, ask. It's not helpful if you give shitty advice to someone who just needed to vent or maybe needed a "don't worry, you'll be OK" or whatever.
They're called platitudes and they're never a good idea. Sometimes it's very hard to stop spouting this kind of sh#t but it's worth it to try because it helps nobody. We had a woman at my work whose son had killed himself and while I didn't offer a platitude when I met her on the elevator I Could Not stop myself from asking how she was! I felt like such a nitwit. Fifteen years or so later I hope I know better.
My very exact thought! This applies to all people, not only women! Read through all the comments, and I feel empathy for all. Still: it shouldn't be about women only!
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One of the worst things ever to say if I’m angry, is “Chill out” I will explode.
My father always says "calm down" which always - always - makes me angrier.
Load More Replies... I resent 'Christian's' telling those of us who have depression, cancer, anxiety, diseases, that we just don't have enough faith. When they claim prayer or faith is the answer to every problem, I ask don't you think God might have had something to do with scientists coming up with medications, surgeries, etc. to help with disease? It's like saying you're not going to climb in an ambulance because you only need faith when you are by involved in a terrible accident. And no, God did not cause that accident.
Yes, if it was god who would have really saved me from a general sepsis, why would he had given it to me at the first place ? Doctors and science saved me. Period.
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When you say you don't like something about your appearance today, and people say "Oh no, you are beautiful just the way you are!". No, I'm completely aware I don't always look beautiful - I can be tired, or sick, or have some skin issues, and that's okay - nobody looks perfect 24/7. You saying I;m beautiful won't make me feel better, it just sounds patronizing.
My mother and step dad are super guilty with the toxic positivity and platitudes. So glad I don’t talk to them anymore! Just cos it’s family, does not mean you have to love ‘em..
There are many situations where these comments can be insincere, empty, or dismissive. Many of them are in any situation, and many people just trot out useless stock phrases. But there are also some people who are stuck in a negative cycle/rut who don't want to address/resolve anything and see everything as toxic positivity. I think it's important to realise when this is the case.
Be glad peeps care enough to give you the time of damn day and stop putting conditions on folks. Most people are too damn self-centered to give each other the time of day. And a lot of these are people reading into what people said. Adding their own narrative. I;d rather a positive platituder than a chronic complainer ANY day.
I've been on the giving and recieving end of eome version of many of those misguided attempts to be helpful. I've also been at the recieving and hopefully the giving end of actually being present and helpful. It's just so hard. I try to be forgiving and thankful.
I think that with some exceptions, most of the time people just want to encourage their friend. Maybe clumsily, but with a kind intent. Probably every single person has said the wrong thing while trying to be supportive. I know I've said some of these things. I have people that are always trying to tell me how to handle my AI disease. Slightly annoying at times. I have a Dr. But I'm glad to have people that care about me and want to help me.
The Dutch often say "Komt goed", it'll be alright, and I f*****g hate that. I mean, yes, it most likely will, but first I have to plough through a seemingly endless sea of misery before getting there and I'd like that to not be completely ignored just so you don't have to deal with it, Jimmy. Sheesh.
One thing I hate is when I vent and someone is trying to offer solutions to the problem. I just wanted to vent because voicing my frustration or irritation helps take the weight off. I am not looking for you to do anything but say "Oh man, that sucks." My husband is like that, tells me to let it go, not a big deal, or change this or do that. Dude, all I need for you to do is say, "Wow, that was messed up" instead of ending up in a fight about me changing careers or something.
I upvoted you, because you are right! Still: in certain situations you are just not open for positivity. I lost my boyfriend, first love, in a car accident at age 21. I know people meant well when they told me:" time heals all wounds" - but I was close to hitting the next person, who would have said that to me. Even though they were somehow right, it's not something I wanted to hear. Almost 30 years later: yes: the wound is healed and I was able to forgive the person, who killed him. But the scar is still there and I will never forget the pain.
Load More Replies... They're called platitudes and they're never a good idea. Sometimes it's very hard to stop spouting this kind of sh#t but it's worth it to try because it helps nobody. We had a woman at my work whose son had killed himself and while I didn't offer a platitude when I met her on the elevator I Could Not stop myself from asking how she was! I felt like such a nitwit. Fifteen years or so later I hope I know better.
My very exact thought! This applies to all people, not only women! Read through all the comments, and I feel empathy for all. Still: it shouldn't be about women only!
Load More Replies... One of the worst things ever to say if I’m angry, is “Chill out” I will explode.
My father always says "calm down" which always - always - makes me angrier.
Load More Replies... I resent 'Christian's' telling those of us who have depression, cancer, anxiety, diseases, that we just don't have enough faith. When they claim prayer or faith is the answer to every problem, I ask don't you think God might have had something to do with scientists coming up with medications, surgeries, etc. to help with disease? It's like saying you're not going to climb in an ambulance because you only need faith when you are by involved in a terrible accident. And no, God did not cause that accident.
Yes, if it was god who would have really saved me from a general sepsis, why would he had given it to me at the first place ? Doctors and science saved me. Period.
Load More Replies... When you say you don't like something about your appearance today, and people say "Oh no, you are beautiful just the way you are!". No, I'm completely aware I don't always look beautiful - I can be tired, or sick, or have some skin issues, and that's okay - nobody looks perfect 24/7. You saying I;m beautiful won't make me feel better, it just sounds patronizing.
My mother and step dad are super guilty with the toxic positivity and platitudes. So glad I don’t talk to them anymore! Just cos it’s family, does not mean you have to love ‘em..
There are many situations where these comments can be insincere, empty, or dismissive. Many of them are in any situation, and many people just trot out useless stock phrases. But there are also some people who are stuck in a negative cycle/rut who don't want to address/resolve anything and see everything as toxic positivity. I think it's important to realise when this is the case.
Be glad peeps care enough to give you the time of damn day and stop putting conditions on folks. Most people are too damn self-centered to give each other the time of day. And a lot of these are people reading into what people said. Adding their own narrative. I;d rather a positive platituder than a chronic complainer ANY day.
I've been on the giving and recieving end of eome version of many of those misguided attempts to be helpful. I've also been at the recieving and hopefully the giving end of actually being present and helpful. It's just so hard. I try to be forgiving and thankful.
I think that with some exceptions, most of the time people just want to encourage their friend. Maybe clumsily, but with a kind intent. Probably every single person has said the wrong thing while trying to be supportive. I know I've said some of these things. I have people that are always trying to tell me how to handle my AI disease. Slightly annoying at times. I have a Dr. But I'm glad to have people that care about me and want to help me.
The Dutch often say "Komt goed", it'll be alright, and I f*****g hate that. I mean, yes, it most likely will, but first I have to plough through a seemingly endless sea of misery before getting there and I'd like that to not be completely ignored just so you don't have to deal with it, Jimmy. Sheesh.
One thing I hate is when I vent and someone is trying to offer solutions to the problem. I just wanted to vent because voicing my frustration or irritation helps take the weight off. I am not looking for you to do anything but say "Oh man, that sucks." My husband is like that, tells me to let it go, not a big deal, or change this or do that. Dude, all I need for you to do is say, "Wow, that was messed up" instead of ending up in a fight about me changing careers or something.
I upvoted you, because you are right! Still: in certain situations you are just not open for positivity. I lost my boyfriend, first love, in a car accident at age 21. I know people meant well when they told me:" time heals all wounds" - but I was close to hitting the next person, who would have said that to me. Even though they were somehow right, it's not something I wanted to hear. Almost 30 years later: yes: the wound is healed and I was able to forgive the person, who killed him. But the scar is still there and I will never forget the pain.
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