“Don’t Say That To Your Kid”: 22 Tips On Teaching And Parenting From This School Principal
Interview With Author
Whether you’re a parent, an educator or a child-free adult who simply hopes future generations thrive, we can all agree that we want the best for the children. But in this complex, ever-changing world, it can sometimes be difficult to weed through mountains of contradictory information online and determine what exactly is the best way to interact with kiddos.
That’s why school principal and founder of Educational Impact Academy, Karin Jakubowski, EdD, has been making it easier for parents to better understand their children through sharing bite-sized videos online. Below, you’ll find some of the best tips Dr. Jakubowski has posted on TikTok, as well as a conversation between her and Bored Panda!
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Dr. Karin Jakubowski has been sharing all of her best parenting tips online to help moms and dads better understand their little ones @karinjakubowski Top 5 Skills Your Kid Needs Before Kindergarten! #kindergartenready #parenting #momnificent #tipsforparents #momsoftik #parentingtips101 #learnontiktok #preschool #preschooler #kindergarten ♬ original sound - Momnificent ✨ Parent Tips
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The top three things your child needs from you.
- They need you present.
- They just need you to stop and listen to them.
- They need you to spend time with them.
We reached out to Dr. Karin Jakubowski via email, who was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda. She shared that the inspiration behind her journey into posting parenting and teaching advice online stems from her experience as a teacher.
"Throughout my career, I encountered moments of frustration when traditional approaches failed to address the root causes of students' behavioral challenges. It was a pivotal moment when I discovered the collaborative problem-solving approach advocated by Dr. Stuart Ablon," Dr. Jakubowski explained. "Implementing this method transformed my interactions with students, enabling me to delve deeper into the underlying reasons for their behavior and empower them with essential problem-solving skills."
"Driven by a passion to share this transformative approach, I embarked on a mission to reach out to as many parents and educators as possible," the expert continued. "Thus, 'Momnificent,' my podcast, was born. Interestingly, while the podcast serves as a platform for discussing various parenting and teaching strategies, I've found myself guesting on other podcasts more frequently, spreading the word about collaborative problem-solving."
Here's the top five things you don't say to a kid with trauma.
- Never say to a kid with trauma, "everything happens for a reason."
- Never say "it could be worse."
- Never say to a kid with trauma. "It's hard to believe that."
- Never say, "why did you?"
- Never say to a kid with trauma, "the past is in the past, just let it go."
It's shocking that this has to be said. Those who say these things are not comforting the other person, they're taking care of THEMSELVES because pain and fear scare them so they want it to go away.
How do you get your 8 to 10 year old to listen to you without yelling? Start with a positive attitude. Kids have a difficult time with self regulation. So if they see you upset, they get upset. If they see you calm, they eventually mirror and match your calmness. So be patient, take a deep breath, patient.
Kids pick up on our tone in our body language, even when we're not even saying anything. Don't yell. Whatever you do, don't yell. Practice that. You're not going to get it perfect the first time. Practice, practice, practice. Don't yell. Give them choices. Do you want to sit here or here? Do you want to go this way or that way?
Do you want this color crown or this color crown? Two choices that you're okay with. And set limits. Kids typically respond well if you give them the opportunity to do good. Instead of rushing headlong into an argument, try counting to five or give them a time limit to do something you ask. Remember that children learn.
So it's important to model good listening skills yourself.
YES! Do this from birth! It‘s a bit easier when they are Babys still, but if you do it at that stage, it will hopefully become something like second nature to stay calm later on…. Hopefully
Dr. Jakubowski also decided to start posting on YouTube and TikTok after recognizing the vast reach and influence visual media has online. "The motivation behind this expansion is rooted in a fundamental belief that every parent deserves access to effective tools and strategies for nurturing their children's growth and development," she explained.
"Reflecting on the disparity between the extensive training we undergo for our professional careers and the lack of formal education in parenting, I felt compelled to bridge this gap," the expert says. "The paradox of investing years in preparing for a career while navigating parenthood without a comprehensive guidebook struck me profoundly. Thus, my TikTok videos serve as a resource hub for busy moms striving to provide the best possible upbringing for their children amidst the demands of everyday life."
Dr. Jakubowski says that, ultimately, her mission is to equip parents with the knowledge and skills necessary to raise happy, healthy children. "By leveraging the power of online platforms, I aspire to democratize access to invaluable parenting insights and foster a community dedicated to nurturing the next generation."
Here's the top 5 truths kids with ADHD want you to know.
- ADHD is invisible. It's not make believe or an excuse to be lazy.
- They just can't try harder. If they could, they would. They're actually working harder than most children.
- The effort for them to fit in is monumental.
- They're not bad kids, even though they're not doing the expected behavior. They're not bad. They're actually working harder and doing their best.
- Harsh discipline is actually counterproductive. It's actually worse when you yell at your kid. It's not getting the ADHD out of them. They don't have ADHD as a result of bad parenting.
Hear me out, never ask a kid if they're lazy or stupid. Backs them into a very uncomfortable corner
When your kid comes home upset about something another kid said to them that day, what do you do? What's your go to? How do you know how to help them? The first thing I do, I just did this last week with a student, totally upset, something someone said in the class. They literally felt like they couldn't even go back to class.
I had her stand and look across from her as if the person was standing there and tell that person everything they felt. What they wanted, what they didn't like. What they wanted them to do, what they didn't want to do. What they did that really bothered them and just ticked them off. No right or wrong answer, just giving them that opportunity.
How often do you have that opportunity to do that? Rarely, and you're rarely going to say that to the person because a lot of it is stuff you would, it's kind of unexpected and you, you might not be the right thing to say. So as a parent, you could try this one step with your kid. One and over the other two steps.
Just getting it all out, all the anger and hurt, and in a neutral zone, is so cathartic.
What does it do for you when you spend time in nature?
My mother-in-law from Poland is here for three months and we try to go for a walk every day. We don't get out every day, but every time I do, it just totally refreshes me, refreshes me mentally, physically, emotionally. It's amazing the power that nature has over.
Take your kid out for a walk in nature. Take them to the park. Let them explore outside. Better yet, do one thing for you. What's something you love to do for you? Do one thing to take care of yourself today. What is it that just refreshes you and refreshes you mentally and emotionally? Do that one thing.
Take that one thing and do it for yourself. You're so busy taking care of everybody else and stop, take care of you. I'm giving you permission to take care of you.
We also asked the expert why she believes it's so common for parents and educators to misunderstand children. "Firstly, there's a fundamental communication barrier stemming from differences in perspective and experience," she noted. "Parents and teachers often view situations through their own lenses, which may not fully align with the child's reality."
"Secondly, societal expectations and norms can lead to misconceptions about children's behavior," Dr. Jakubowski continued. "There's a tendency to attribute certain actions to disobedience or laziness without considering underlying factors such as developmental stages, emotional struggles, or learning differences."
"Moreover, limited time and resources can hinder the ability to delve deeper into understanding a child's needs," the expert says. "Both parents and teachers juggle multiple responsibilities, leaving little room for in-depth observation and communication."
There should be a non negotiable in every school, in every classroom in the world. And that is, you should never talk about a student in front of another student. It's so easy. You know, things happen. We get upset. We take these personally, the kid does something and it just, you know, pushes our last nerve and pushes our last button.
I always say the wrong thing. And you know what? We got to make it a non negotiable. We are not going to talk about a kid in front of any other student, any other child. That kid, any kid, we got to take it behind closed doors. We owe that to our kids. They deserve that level of respect from us.
There's four steps to help your child when they mess up or fail.
- Even when your child makes a mistake big or little, maybe on a test or an assignment or an audition, you name it, reassure them with there's something we can learn from this.
- Success is also achieved when you allow your child to stumble and by helping them take a closer look and reflect on what's one thing they can do better next time.
- Always, always, always praise your child for their effort. Say it loud and proud, praise their effort.
- Share your own stories with your kid. The times you failed, the times you struggled with a colleague, with a friend, a time you held your tongue, a time you fell short, share with your child how you faced it, what you learned from it, the new perspective you gained.
Catch them doing something right. Kids usually get negative attention, especially the kids who tend to get into trouble, but watch what happens when you compliment them unexpectedly, but sincerely. Edit: by "kids" I mean teenagers. I worked with kids in 11th grade (15-17). It works and you can see the surprise and then a smile on their faces. Some kids never get complimented. Catch them doing something right and watch what happens
What's the hardest thing about parenting for you right now?
- How to parent the child you have, not the child you wish you had.
- Letting your child experience the pain of natural consequences or consequences in general.
- Facing shame, judgment, and blame from others.
- Coping when your child says, "I hate you, mom."
Dr. Jakubowski also noted that the stigma surrounding mental health and behavioral challenges may impede open dialogue and proactive intervention. "Fear of judgment or labeling can prevent parents and teachers from seeking support or acknowledging potential issues early on," she explained.
"Lastly, the dynamic nature of childhood and adolescence means that children's behaviors and needs evolve rapidly. Keeping pace with these changes requires ongoing communication, flexibility, and a willingness to adapt strategies accordingly, which may not always be feasible in busy households or classrooms," the expert says.
"Addressing these common misunderstandings requires a collaborative approach that emphasizes empathy, active listening, and a commitment to understanding the unique perspectives of children," Dr. Jakubowski continued. "By fostering open communication and mutual respect between parents, teachers, and children, we can cultivate environments where misunderstandings are minimized, and meaningful connections flourish."
I wish I had learned this early on.
Kids want power and the control. So give your kid two choices.
"Do you want to sit in this side or that side?"
"Do you want to use the crayon or the marker?"
"Do you want to go first or second?"
When you give your kid a choice, they feel large and in charge.
Here's the top five skills your kids should know before they start kindergarten.
- Teach your child to tie their shoes.
- Teach them how to open a juice box. I know it sounds so simple, but it's really important.
- Use the bathroom, wash their hands and button their pants.
- Have them know their letters and their sounds and know the letters of the alphabet.
- And last for them to know their first and last name and their phone number and address.
When a kid is mean to your kid and you get upset, what do you do? How do you handle that? Here's what I do. I sit the first kid down by themselves and I'm like, "what? Help me understand what happened." I always use that word. "Help me understand." "Help me understand what happened." And then I'd mute myself.
Just shut up, don't say anything, give them an opportunity to talk and share what it was like for them, what they went through, what they experienced, what they're feeling. And then you sit the other child down and you ask them to tell you the story of what happened. Help me understand what happened here and listen, listen, listen.
Then when I bring the two together, I say to the one like, "what did they say or do and how did that make you feel?" And they explain and share. And then I asked this child, "did you know that what they said or did made you feel that way?" And they usually don't realize how, what they did made the other kid feel that way.
And then a lot of times it's two way. So I say to the other kid, like, "what did they do that upset you? And how did that make you feel? What did they say or do? What specifically did they say or do?" To give them an opportunity to say it, to voice it, to have an opportunity to be listened and heard on both sides.
And then you ask this kid, "did you know what they said or did made you feel feel that way?" And a lot of times they really don't, like I said, we don't often put ourselves in another person's shoes and another person's perspective. And this process helps.
I tell them you don't have to be best friends but this process helps them to understand each other a little better. And then I ask, "what would you like to say or do to make this right? What would you like to do to say, what would you like to do or say to make this right?" And I just encourage them to look at the person because sometimes looking at me because I'm talking to you and I'm like, don't look at me.
And sometimes I'll just look down and I'll just like look to the side so that they can actually communicate that to them, you know, and then the other person will accept their apology.
I feel like a big issue is that people don't want to listen. They just wait for the other person to stop talking so they can talk again.
While there's no doubt that Dr. Jakubowski has shared many helpful tips online, we wanted to know which ones she considers to be most important. "As a school principal and TikTok enthusiast, I've had the privilege of sharing numerous tips and advice for parents through my videos. Among the plethora of insights, if I were to highlight the most crucial piece of advice, it would undoubtedly be the collaborative problem-solving process," she told Bored Panda.
"The collaborative problem-solving approach isn't just a technique; it's a mindset and a skill set that I've learned, utilized, and passionately shared with parents and educators alike," the expert explained. "This process encourages open communication, empathy, and teamwork between parents, educators, and students."
The problem with our society is everything is faster, harder, stronger.
When society is encouraging us to think and be faster, harder, stronger. When we slow down and allow ourselfves to recharge we refuel and are more productive. Schedule time to recharge. It can help your child refuel and tackle future activities with a more focused, calmer mindset.
The kid in the picture looks, perhaps, not yet ready for Daft Punk.
Here's seven tips to help your kid get organized.
- Find a system that works for your kid. It might not be the same system that works for you, so stay open minded about this.
- Demonstrate the importance of follow through.
- Let their voice be heard. Let them have a voice. Listen, listen, listen to them.
- Set achievable goals, set reasonable and achievable goals with rewards. Let them pick the reward out so they're working towards something that they want.
- Provide plenty of reinforcement. They say for every one critical thing you say, you gotta say like five more positives.
- Lead by example.
- Help them get organized and help them stay organized and be open minded.
Teens are feeling these days like people tell us not to be stressed, but no one's teaching us how to do that. So here's one strategy you can try and practice with your child. It's called feather breathing.
Okay, here's what you do. Learning to breathe really slowly with kids is often hard to do. So try this. Use a feather to show them how. Place the feather on the table and explain.
Take a big, deep inhale from way down deep in your tummy. Breathe from your lips. So the feather moves slowly across the table.
Put the feather on the table, tell your child to take a big, deep breath and blow just slow enough to get the feather to move across the table.
And then you encourage them to keep practicing and trying until they can get that feather to move smoothly and slowly and steadily across the table.
You can also teach your kid to breathe with soap bubbles. You can say, "see how slowly and how far you can blow your bubble? Blow your worries far away from you."
"By emphasizing collaborative problem-solving, I encourage parents to view challenges as opportunities for growth and development rather than obstacles," Dr. Jakubowski continued. "It fosters a supportive environment where everyone's input is valued, and solutions are crafted together, ensuring that the needs and perspectives of all involved parties are taken into account."
"Through my TikTok videos and interactions with parents, I continuously advocate for the collaborative problem-solving process because I've witnessed its transformative power in building stronger relationships and fostering positive outcomes for children's education and well-being," the expert noted. "So, if there's one piece of advice I can offer parents, it's to embrace the collaborative problem-solving approach wholeheartedly—it's a game-changer!"
Here's the top things a kid with autism wants you to know.
- Movement is focus.
- Exclusion is just not nice. Try to find one simple thing that you can do to help them feel included.
- Some are visual and they just think mostly in pictures.
- No matter what they're doing or what they hyper focus on, notice it, just be aware, and observe, and go with it. Don't be afraid of it. Go with it. Don't be nervous about it. Go with it.
Here's the number one hack to help your kids in stressful situations. The next time your child feels stressed or out of control. Try this. Tell them to notice the places where their body is making direct contact with a surface, material, or object. Have them scan their body mentally. Paying close attention where, for example, the floor supports their feet.
How their toes are touching the inside of their shoes. Maybe feel the couch cushions feeling snug against their back. The feeling of their hands just resting gently on their lap or kind of just resting at their side. This shifts their focus from the negative or that anxious or upset feeling to a neutral or pleasant feeling.
It's a simple calming technique for them to try. They can practice this at their desk at school, riding or sitting on the school bus. During a test, they could try this.
My parents did a lot of this and all it did was make me associate sensation with anxiety. If I start noticing the way things feel (temperature, texture etc) unprompted, my anxiety jumps up. If you have a kid who is hypervigilance because of anxiety, don't point out the senses they are ignoring, it just makes the hypervigilance worse. It now comes up in my nightmares, they are super vivid and I can always tell it's about to go bad when I notice my shoes, what's in my hands, how loud my heart is etc.
How do you get your kid to be empathetic in an "all about me" world?
I love the way Michelle Borba talks about empathy using the ABCs. Listen to this.
A is for affective empathy. When we share another's feelings and feel their emotions.
And B is for behavioral empathy. When empathetic concerns actually rally us or put something inside of us to say, I want to help.
And the C is for cognitive empathy. When we understand another's thoughts or literally step into their shoes and feel what they feel, see what they see from their perspective.
Did you know that empathy boosts trust and decreases stress? Empathy boosts connectivity, creativity, and kindness. Get this, research says empathy is actually a positive predictor of math and reading scores. And critical thinking skills. We got to work on empathy with our kids and empathy is teachable.
How do you teach kids to be empathetic? BE empathetic. It's fine to discuss, but it's a skill kids learn by example.
When it comes to why it's so important for parents to prioritize understanding their little ones, Dr. Jakubowski says it lays the foundation for effective communication, trust, and support within the family dynamic. "When parents take the time to truly comprehend their children, they can better meet their emotional, social, and developmental needs," she noted.
This is essential for building trust. "When children feel understood by their parents, they are more likely to trust them. This trust forms the basis of a strong parent-child relationship, allowing for open communication and a sense of security," the expert says.
It's also key for creating effective communication. "Understanding a child's unique personality, preferences, and communication style enables parents to tailor their interactions accordingly. This fosters clearer communication and minimizes misunderstandings or conflicts," Dr. Jakubowski shared.
Here's five things you probably didn't know about your five year old.
- They say life is good.
- During this one year, your child's going to go from being cautious and compliant to uncertain and oppositional.
- Early in the year, they like to help out and follow the rules and be good.
And then either they may test or oppose the adult authority and to show uncertainty. They're not sure whether to be good or naughty. Did you notice that about your kid?
- They need consistent rules and enforcement. They respond well to clear, simple expectations.
- They need empathetic discipline. They test limits and make mistakes.
I'm concerned that someone thinks parents won't know these about five year olds.
What do you do when your kid says, I don't know. The next time your kid says, I don't know, ask them this. "I know you don't know, but if you did know, what would you say?" And then give them a minute, give them a second, take a deep breath. And then begin the next question with, "I know you might not know, and there's no right or wrong answer, but if you didn't know, what would you say?"
This sounds like you would end up going in circles with the outcome being a frustrated parent and a frustrated child.
If you're having difficulty making friends, try this.
- Talk about taking turns and sharing. Try role playing different situations where they would have to handle a disagreement. This really helps them and teaches them in the moment how to use those skills.
- Demonstrate those skills in front of your friends and family so your child can see the appropriate expected behaviors when interacting or socializing or making friends and connecting with others. They are mirrors of us. They're watching everything we do. They watch us more than what we tell them to do. So model the behavior for them.
- Arrange playdates and even take your kid to group activities so they can slowly get used to interacting and socializing with others in a smaller setting and then in a larger setting.
- Talk about with your child what kind of things they want to see in a friend. What kinds of things they value in a friend towards them and how. They want to be those things towards somebody else
Do not arrange playdates for kids struggling to make friends. Group activities are fine but there's no way a parent can understand the dynamic between kids, especially when kids can't articulate. Playdates not into feel like torture, but give the message your child is disappointing you by not being a certain way.
Dr. Jakubowski also says that better understanding our children supports their development. "Each child is different, with their own strengths, weaknesses, and interests. By understanding their children, parents can provide appropriate guidance and support to help them thrive academically, socially, and emotionally," she explained.
It also allows parents to recognize their children's needs, which can be especially helpful for kids who struggle with expressing their feelings or articulating what they need.
Understanding your kiddos helps promote self-esteem as well. "When parents show understanding and acceptance towards their children, it boosts their self-esteem and confidence," the expert explained. "Feeling understood validates their feelings and experiences, helping them develop a positive sense of self."
Anybody else hate this when your mom said this to you as a kid, "you can't have those sneakers you want because we can't afford them." Don't say that to your kid.
Money patterns are set by the age of seven. And here's two things you have to teach your kid. Instead of saying what you can't buy, say "this is what we're choosing to buy and use our money for instead."
And the second thing, show your child a sale. Like, "Hey, this was a hundred dollars and now it's on sale for 30. You can get three Tories for the price of one."
Your kid is observing your money habits. They're always watching you.
Have to disagree with not being honest about the family financial situation. There is no shame in not being able to have the most expensive to keep up with other people.
The key to being a good parent is to be the person your kid deserves. And be who you want them to look up to.
There was one thing I wanted to see here and didn't. It's something neither parents nor children often realize in all the noise. Children want- almost more than anything else - to PLEASE their parents. They truly want to behave so that they make us happy. With them. Too often of course they are not pleasing- but even in the middle of the worst brouhaha - the child is hoping, somehow - to make the parent happy with them. Find a way, if you can.
Another reason just occurred to me. Cats- dogs - horses - all have an instinctive and powerful sense of "justice". This was surprising to scientists; but not to herders or animal people. First noticed (scientifically ) in dogs - if you have 3 dogs - and give treats and attention to 1 only - the other 2 definitely notice and actively resent it. They may become snappish and snarly with the favored dog- and you. They do NOT resent other dogs getting treats- if it is fair. This is pretty astonishing. The same things have been observed in human babies, very young. They "know" what fair is - and expect it- also astonishing. It's innate in mammals; don't know about birds. If a child learns they will be praised - no matter what - that could be perceived as " well, then adults don't care about actual performance - anything is good enough- AND - this is all deeply insignificant." May seem a stretch- but think about it.
Load More Replies... The key to being a good parent is to be the person your kid deserves. And be who you want them to look up to.
There was one thing I wanted to see here and didn't. It's something neither parents nor children often realize in all the noise. Children want- almost more than anything else - to PLEASE their parents. They truly want to behave so that they make us happy. With them. Too often of course they are not pleasing- but even in the middle of the worst brouhaha - the child is hoping, somehow - to make the parent happy with them. Find a way, if you can.
Another reason just occurred to me. Cats- dogs - horses - all have an instinctive and powerful sense of "justice". This was surprising to scientists; but not to herders or animal people. First noticed (scientifically ) in dogs - if you have 3 dogs - and give treats and attention to 1 only - the other 2 definitely notice and actively resent it. They may become snappish and snarly with the favored dog- and you. They do NOT resent other dogs getting treats- if it is fair. This is pretty astonishing. The same things have been observed in human babies, very young. They "know" what fair is - and expect it- also astonishing. It's innate in mammals; don't know about birds. If a child learns they will be praised - no matter what - that could be perceived as " well, then adults don't care about actual performance - anything is good enough- AND - this is all deeply insignificant." May seem a stretch- but think about it.
Load More Replies...