BF Decides It’s Finally Time To Propose After 30 Years And 4 Kids, Is Met With An Eye Roll
No two people or relationships are the same, which is why while some can’t wait to get married, others see no point in taking this step in life.
This redditor’s views on marriage weren’t exactly the same as those of her partner; she made it clear that she wanted marriage early in the relationship, but it took 25 years and four children for him to propose. The OP shared with the AITAH community that when he finally did, she felt apathetic and even rolled her eyes, which made her wonder if she was being a jerk to her partner.
Not every person is equally interested in marriage
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This redditor made sure her boyfriend knew she wanted to marry, but it took him 25 years to propose nevertheless
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Image credits: Throwawayproposalfin
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The OP provided an update on how things between her and her boyfriend developed after the proposal
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Love is reportedly the main reason couples decide to get married
People can have hundreds of reasons (not) to get married, but some seem to be more common than others. According to Pew Research Center’s 2018 data, love is the one that tops the list, as nearly nine-in-ten Americans get married encouraged by it.
Other coupled-up people do it because they want to strengthen their commitment to each other (roughly 81% of them reportedly get married led by such a motivating factor) or because they seek companionship (76%) and want to have children (49%), both of which can exist without marriage, as the OP’s example showed.
But even though creating a family is possible without getting married, quite a few redditors in the comments pointed out that in situations similar to the OP’s, marriage can provide a certain level of stability in life. That’s why for roughly one fourth of those surveyed in 2018, financial stability as well as legal rights and benefits were the among the main reasons for getting married.
According to a divorce lawyer, Nicole K. Levy, marriage defines a critical moment in life when, upon such a union, in the vocabulary of two individuals, the word I is replaced by the word we. Consequently, that typically entails changes in numerous significant aspects of life, such as acquiring property, handling retirement benefits and taxes, as well as receiving social security benefits.
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The number of marriages has been declining over the past several decades
Despite certain financial or legal stability that marriage might entail, such a union has been on a decline over the last several decades. Back in 1990, for instance, there were close to 2.5 million marriages in the US, while just a couple of years ago, in 2021, the number didn’t even climb over the 2 million mark.
As for getting married, the reasons for not taking such a step differ with each person, too, but finances seem to be what’s stopping them the most. A 2019 survey of people wishing to get married some time in the future found that nearly a third of them thought that their partner or they themselves were not financially ready for such a commitment.
Other commonly cited reasons were the partner not being ready to commit to the relationship, respondents not being far along in terms of their careers, having doubts about the partner being the right person, or being unsure about their own readiness to take such a significant step.
The OP didn’t reveal what her boyfriend’s reasons were for postponing the proposal for 25 years, even though she made it clear she wanted marriage early in their relationship. But it seems that it wasn’t his reasoning fellow redditors were interested in the most, as many citizens wanted to know why the OP stayed with her partner for all these years.
Fellow redditors shared their insight and opinions in the comments
There are a couple other issues, now that she might *start* working at 52yo: 1) How is she going to survive financially? How is she going to afford a house, car, etc. with the kind of job she can get after being out of the workforce for 30 years? 2) What about retirement? Social Security? Savings? WORDS OF WISDOM: Whoever controls your money controls you.
While starting over is difficult, everyone needs to calm down about her age. Being over 30 doesn't mean your life is over, and fear mongering about it is why people stay in toxic situations. Plenty of people divorce, lose spouses, lose jobs, etc, and start again. It sounds like she does have family, and unless her kids hate her, she probably has their support if necessary.
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NTA, but her last comment in the comments section though... ("Why didn't you leave?" - "Because I was a SAHM with many kids and he was this big executive..."). No honey, you weren't a SAHM with many kids, you CHOSE to be. The last kid came at 37, mind you. And he wasn't the big executive for many, many years if you met in your early 20s and he was working his way up. Plenty of time to work, to not have more kids, to leave. My sympathies, but this is also a woman in denial.
You dont understand psychological abuse much do you. Your basically victim blaming. When you're a 20 year old with little relationship experience it's easy to end up in an emotionally abusive relationship especially when you are living in a part of the world that still looks up to Coming out balls and other archaic gender roles. Being emotionally abused to the point of inaction or poor decision making isnt an overnight situatuon, you get widdled away. For all we know she came from an abusive home and was already emotionally vulnerable to this type of relationship. How about we hold the man accountable. She took care of his house, his child, project led his life outside of work. She deserves back oay far and above a roof over head, food in her belly and clothes on her back. The guys is trash and I am low key laughing that he thinks anyone woman his age is going to be sweeping him up and taking him to bed. He doesnt sound particularly fit either so getting a younger woman mmmm. Enjoy los
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It's not without reason that people in higher management are often classified as psychopaths. I think it's a great pity for the woman that she didn't manage to leave sooner. But I can understand what her reasons might have been. (Infatuation; hope that something will change [first that something will change with the children, then fear that the partner will do something so that you can no longer see the children]; fear of poverty; fear of revenge from the partner; fear of change ...) If you don't have anyone there to support you, it becomes really difficult with the exit. Even if I think it's self-inflicted, I think it's really hard that the woman has poured her life energy into a relationship and a family without getting a little security that she at least has an apartment and the bare necessities if things don't work out. (Especially since the partner seems to have a lot of money if he can live so well from the returns on his investments alone that it is also enough for traveling).
Didn't sound like she had much support, she mentioned his mother but no one from her own family. I'm curious as to why...
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My hunch is he didn't wanna marry her then cause of money - marriage is a legally binding contract that is mostly about financial matters; wealthy & higher up ppl know this very well. You could argue he could've done a pre-nup, but that still means she could negotiate for something. Without marriage she gets nothing. She prolly had the kids secretly hoping he'd change is mind. He didn't but she kept having more & stayed for 25yrs!!- so thats her fault. At that point it was already too late - he had money and would likely win custody and she gets nada. After a while it became a comfortable situ, too comfy to get out. Even if she marries him now then divorces him - the $$$ he already made before marriage belongs to him entirely and doesn't come into joint asset for her to get any of it. She should look into the law - in some countries even partners sharing the household for X years can warrant you an almost-wife status in a custody battle and gives you some rights over his assets.
Absolutely. I would bet they've been together long enough to warrant common law marriage. Married or not. My aunt and her boyfriend were together from the time she was 18 until he died. She was, I wanna say 53-54 then? They discontinued common law marriages in our state, with the exception of people who met common law status BEFORE that happened. She did.
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Consult a lawyer; you’ve been in a common-law marriage and domestic partnership for three decades. Surely there is some recourse for your exes sudden change of position on your relationship.
Unless she lives in Texas or South Carolina (as she mentioned "Southern") that still recognize common law marriage, she wouldn't have a claim. There's only 8 states that do anymore.
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If marriage was so important you should have made sure it was in place before having children . It's difficult but you have had a good life , marriage is not just about a ring. Many relationships function for lifetimes without marriage. My personal opinion was always live together before marriage BUT MARRIAGE before children.
Living together for more than 20 years, sharing assets and children, most US states specifically recognise financial compensation a d palimony after a split. Especially because OP raised the kids and put her own career on hold. Contact a divorce lawyer, it sounds like the size of the house etc will result in a split that is enough to retire on. But moaning about oh, I'm just the girlfriend and saying you had fewer rights and you could be 'tossed aside at any time' is ridiculous. Calls the slant of the rest of the story into question. Many courts award what is essentially back pay for childcare as well as splitting of assets. And this would have been as true 15 years earlier when the youngest was born. Maybe she was hoping for a bigger payday at retirement, but just walk now.
Woooah! I'm amazed at just how many people are blaming her for being the victim of financial and psychological abuse! If you're in a relationship like that, especially with kids, it's not so simple as just leave. It's never that simple!!!
Saying no I don't want marriage is not psychological abuse. She went 5 years before she even put her foot down and she could have walked right then and there.
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Oof. This one is kind of tough. The husband is kind of an AH but it's not like he hasn't shown who he is over the decades they've been together. I empathetic towards OP but it's kind of a "lay in the bed you made" situation. She's obviously unhappy but he no longer wants to marry her anyways. I don't know. It kind of feels like he'd be ok if she didn't travel with him and just that he'd be physical with other people if she wasn't there. But she doesn't want to be with him anyways, so wouldn't that be a win-win? Granted, I don't know what legal protections she has from presumably being a common law wife. And I know her not traveling could make things less stable and secure for her... As cynical as it sounds, I feel like the best moved would've been for her to marry him, use the stability to work on what she wanted, and then leave his a*s after the youngest graduates. I really don't know how to feel about all this. lmao
I'd call this an ESH situation. The OP certainly has some mishaps done herself, but the dude sounds like a pack of work to deal with, seriously. I was baffled when it came to the reveal that he only wanted her to travel with him because he wants a fūckbuddy. However, on the other side, I also have to say, nobody is entitled to marriage, even after spending years with their respective partner. If you are with someone who just isn't into marriage, and it's really that important to you, it might be an unfitting relationship for both. Don't make each other miserable for 30 years
So, I get the disrespect from others in the community, in particular if this is in the American South or somewhere with similar religious social mores.... But after 30 years and 4 children he refers to her as "an executive's girlfriend" -- really? Even without a ring, she's been his life partner throughout this time. And, even without a ring, as a common law wife she has all the rights to shared property. If neither of them see that, then yes, this is all pretty messed up....
Fundamental things like children, marriage, values, must be discussed early on and move on if they don't align. Adults don't change, plain and simple. But I understand why some people are afraid of bringing them up. There's this godamn awful fear of commitment that many people have and they run for the hills if a relationship starts to look "serious"..
Contrary to what some people believe, adults do sometime change. I'm not saying it has or will in this situation, but your statement that "Adults don't change, plain and simple" is absolutely not true. I know I changed a great deal after getting married.
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I have a phrase for people like this. You deserve all the s**t you take. She ate with a really big spoon for 25 years. I simply cannot have sympathy for a person who not only begged for marriage but when rebuffed stayed and had 4 children with him. However, depending on the state she lives in, she may be entitled to half of the house, spousal support, and probably a cash settlement as well.
I certainly wouldn't have waited *30 years* if I had wanted to be married. And I sure as héll wouldn't of had *4* kids with the bâstard!! Like holy crâp lady? Did she think having kids would make him propose faster???
Your youngest kid is 15, unless you homeschool her you have absolutely no reason to be a SAHM for the last 10 years. You could have at least worked part time or gotten your associates. Instead you chose to continue being financially taken care of by your BF. You might as well marry him and travel at this point, you two sound like you deserve each other.
There are too many people on here who don't understand how emotionak blackmail and power plays aka emotiobal abuse erode your self wsteem and ability to take action especially in a societsl landscaoe that is set in the 1950s where your neighbors, kids etc also lob emotional abuse at you. The end result is you dont need another relationship or man, get to know yourself if possible. Also find out what common law relationships laws are in your state. He didnt marry you because he didnt want you to get alimony for being his house servant and surrogate. Literally. He just saw numbers. My guess is the man has a disorder or two starting with complete lack of empathy. Not an excuse but kniw you are not dealing with a decent human. You need to be selfish now. Oh and rest assured at this age women are less inclined to want to deal with his BS so unless he has the game to land a much younger woman he isnt going to be rolling in the sheets as much as he thinks he is on his travels. Take care of yo
I agree the man is a jerk, but I didn't see anything to suggest abuse. She needs to take some responsibility for her own decisions.
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Depending on what state they live in, they could have a common law marriage since they were together for so long and she might be entitled to a portion of the assets that they accumulated. She needs an attorney.
Take care of yourself. He took advantage of you for FAR too long. Years too long. Any commenters blaming you or talking bad about you are in the wrong. You raised both of your shared biological children. It's beyond me why you didn't force his hand earlier. You deserve better b
Everyone has choices in life. She made hers. She was not entitled to marriage. And even when offered she refused. She did not have to stay with him for 25 years. She did not have to have 4 children with him. He holds some blame too but ultimately it's in her for the situation she's in. She has plenty of time to decide how she wanted it to go.
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Take the ring, sell it and use the money to get a good attorney! You have ample proof of being a "common law" partner. What a doucebag. Present him with a complete breakdown of the money he owes for all your "services" over the years, such as housekeeping, nanny services, cooking, sex, etc.
First of all, he has some major control issues. He seems to want to control where you work etc...after all these years of being with him, he still is insecure about you and because of that and also that he doesn't work anymore, he NOW wants to marry you to gain that CONTROL. Do you see this happening? He feels like he's lost control cause he no longer is working and for him to have that control back, he wants to marry you SO HE CAN FEEL LIKE HE IS IN CONTROL BY CONTROLLING YOU. If you haven't figured what my answer would be regarding him popping the question, it would be HELL NO! Why didn't you ask why is he now asking marry you all of a sudden and not years ago? I can go on and on but I won't. Girl, just think about it before making your decision.
Control where OP works? She has never worked! She could have worked while the kids were at school and had a large chunk of money saved considering he was paying all the bills. She's enjoyed the good life for a very long time, and shown no intelligence while her BF works, and now she has the audacity to feel disrespected.
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Your significant other is a Narcissist. The odds of a "narcissist" changing is basically ZERO. Consult an attorney you may be surprised at how many Rights you actually have.
You should NEVER agree to be a SAHM without financial security. And honestly you should never have children without it either if there's any choice. No matter how much you love each other, things can always change. Either through death or just falling out of love. Giving up your career is giving up your life and any chance of independence without marriage or some sort of contract (and even with marriage to be honest)! Don't throw away your life and take responsibility for your own financial safety.
She should have left before the first kid, even after the first one would have been reasonable. But to have 4 with a guy who has shown his true colors over and over again. You've had plenty of opportunities to get out. Get some help and leave him. You have nothing to your name and probably won't have a retirement. My SO and I had an unexpected pregnancy. We're still together, but we're not interested in getting married. We have wills should anything happen. However we both still work. I work part time so I'm not out of the job market even if the pay isn't that great. We don't have joint accounts either. I've always been skeptical of marriage as a lot of family members have been divorced. My parents never married, thank goodness. Some have married a few times. I'm grateful to have a partner who doesn't care about marriage, so it won't be too much of a headache should we ever decide to split. If marriage is really that important to you, you both should have been on the same page.
OP your post sounds like you maybe located in one of the Southern U.S. States? If so, many of them are Common law States which consider a couple 'married' in the eyes of the law after 7 yrs or so. Please consult an attorney before feeling as if you have to be kicked out after 30 yrs with nothing. Even with no Common Law, you were not only a SAHM but who cooked, cleaned, shopped, did errands, handled child care, etc.? There are a few legal cases where the lower courts have awarded past wages to those who have provided home and child services without pay. And since he refused to let you go for further schooling or a job because of sex, and prostitution is illegal, an attorney maybe very interested in this case. Please don't marry this jerk. He's shown you his true colors again and again.
This relationship was doomed from the start. Guy is walking red flag, and obviously wasn't boyfriend material, let alone husband material, and OP got into situation where she was financially dependent on him. I doubt their relationship was all sunshine and rainbows, since OP mentioned she was afraid to leave him, because he would use his influence to make her life miserable. He wasted her whole life. I would say leave him, but I'm not sure if Op could survive financially without him and he's owner of everything.
Wondering where's your adult kids in all of this. Can they not assist in getting you started on your own? I'm sure this big executive gave them a college education that made them financially solid. You sound like you surrendered to this abuser. I have questions about staying with a man who showed you ZERO respect your whole life which you found acceptable. Yes I understand all that about abused women can't stand up and feeling trapped thing. But there's enough resources out there to help women get out. You ARE seeing the light finally. Take the ring. Sell it and go to college. Sue him for spousal support. Leave that jack.....s behind and find a new life to help build up your sense of self worth. You still young and have a great life still to live. Were you born to be the slave of an ungrateful cupcake? Fix your crown and boldly walk into your future and a possible new relationship with a guy who treats you with dignity and respect. Don't look back.
Someone is only going to do what you allow them to do to you. He talks to you like that because he knows you aren't going to leave him. Pack your bags and leave. There is nothing that you can't go out and buy again. All that stuff is replaceable. A peace of mind is priceless!
Why would you have four kids with a man that you knew was never going to marry you? Worse, why would you put your children in a school where you knew damn well they would be bullied for the fact that their parents not being married and if you didn't know ahead of time why didn't you pull your kids out of that school as soon as you found out? You made Choice after choice of your own free will while this man told you straight to your face the entire time that he was not going to do what you wanted. And now that he is retired and his income is lower suddenly now you notice that he's a bit of a jerk at work? As if he hasn't told you exactly who he is all these years? I hope your story at least has the benefit of helping other young women understand that if they want marriage they need to dump the dudes who don't instead of having kids with them and throwing away their futures...
She's NOT the AH for walking away, or rolling her eyes, or being honest about how she feels. HE is the AH for knowing what she wanted all this time but not wanting to give her that until now and expecting a different reaction from her.
Why is he the AH in that regard? You are not entitled to marriage. He clearly didn't want to get married. He did eventually cave and propose and she said no after 25 years of waiting... Why is it ok that she be honest about how she feels about marriage and the situation, but he's not allowed to be honest about marriage or the situation. Very much a double standard there. Marriage isn't the ultimate form of happiness for everyone. If she wanted it, but he didn't, they should have talked it out, and when that produced nothing, she should have left. Not stayed and had 4 kids with him for 25 years waiting for it.
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It's pretty telling that he immediately reversed the marriage proposal and demanded she take up the travel lifestyle he wants or he'll cheat and abandon her. At this point, she might as well go all in. Convince him she's enamored of his plans and use the kids to pressure him into going through with a wedding by showing them the ring and telling them he asked. Then divorce him and take half of everything.
People who say that he does not owe her marriage probably missed the point where she accused him of gaslighting her and making her feel as though he would marry her eventually. Aka she was being led on. Whilst it is a good idea to leave, it is easier said than done when she obviously loved him so much at one point and then had children and finances involved. If he had no intention of marrying, he should have been transparent about that from the very beginning rather than lead her for decades for his own benefit.
As others have said, why stay 25 years if marriage was important?
This is a terribly sad situation. Married, not married this guy would have treated her the same way. He’s such a jerk. People are a zero-sum game with him. I wish for her to find love and happiness in these last chapters. My ex was the same. I should not have put up with it — thankfully, I had my degree from a prestigious university and a long corporate career. I have my adult son and we’re close. I’ve been single for four years. I advise to choose yourself — always.
YTA for letting this drag on for so long. You should go see a lawyer, and see what rights you have, as this is a common law marriage. Rights vary from state to state, but you need to protect yourself. And you minor child.
At this point it would be in her best interest to press for the marriage dispite him seeming like a douche.
You're not an a*****e...but you are kind of an idiot. You state that he's been holding out since year five...of a thirty year relationship. Congratulations, you played yourself; you let him dictate your boundaries for the past thirty years and you didn't have the balls to stand up for yourself. I mean, yeah, that sucks...but I also can't help but think that you're about a quarter-century too late to deserve any real pity. You saw that the situation was bad, and instead of doing anything about it, you stayed where you were and hoped it would get better without doing anything to change it. You're the frog in the pot of water, I'm afraid.
OP is a Defacto or Common Law Wife, who under a number of Countries laws would be entitled to half of the property, plus investments. OP find a excellent family law lawyer, and have a long chat. You may find you are entitled to quite a lot. Regardless of what he's done, he seems to have wanted his cake and eat it to where the loving long term girlfriend and family are concerned, without thinking that you have thoughts and feelings too. Don't sign anything he gives you! Without taking them away to a lawyer first. You do have rights here, and you have to find out what they are!
I am a SAHM who now identifies as a household manager.. my SO is a talented CPA and I am educated but he is the definitely better at making money. Our kid is about to be 13 and I've been getting c**p for years about 'not contributing' from him and his immediate family. A successful business and 10 employees later (that he and family needed to be fed and taken care of) and filling in for sick employees and proofreading protocol docs and I'm finally getting to feel not less than for 'just' staying home. And wouldn't a common law situation be applicable here?
52? No one hires a 52 y.o. with no experience. Marriage has its downsides, but it protects you in court. Even if he can "out lawyer" you, courts can level the playing field.
Why do your children bear his last name when you were never married? You could have save your kids a lot of teasing by using your own name. Go see a lawyer, charge him for babysitting, cleaning, cooking raising kids that don't carry your own name, washing etc. I had an acquaintance who(m?) did that to a good friend of mine. She won, and she ruined him. Go see a lawyer, and get some legal advice. You aren't as helpless as you may think.
Jesus Christ so basically he just kept her under his thumb for 30 years and she was too afraid to leave since they're not married. Dear god
I would have left ages ago, there's worse things than being a single mom, he would have paid child support
Definitely NTA...Not sure what Country this is happening in, but in my Country this is most definitely a Common Law Marriage! She should get half of everything! The piece of trash she is with is a Gasliting Narcissistic A*****e!!!
OP your post sounds like you maybe located in one of the Southern U.S. States? If so, many of them are Common law States which consider a couple 'married' in the eyes of the law after 7 yrs or so. Please consult an attorney before feeling as if you have to be kicked out after 30 yrs with nothing. Even with no Common Law, you were not only a SAHM but who cooked, cleaned, shopped, did errands, handled child care, etc.? There are cases where the courts have awarded past wages for unpaid services. If there is no labor contract and prostitution is illegal. . . Especially as he stipulated he wouldn't allow you to further your education, get a job without sex. An attorney maybe very interested in your case. Good luck and please don't marry this jerk. He's shown you his true colors.
Why would she waste 25 years "begging" for him to marry him? She has no self-respect, so why should he respect her. Plus, she had 4 of his children. If it was a mutual agreement to not marry it is one thing, but her wanting to is another. As someone said in the comments, she made her bed, now she has to lie in it.
My former mother in law gave me a bottle of chocolate liqueur because 'I liked it so much'...while I was pregnant with her first grandchild. It was a spite present.
Seems like you accidentally replied under the wrong post. This is an AITA post, you wanted to be at the Terrible Secret Santa post. Don't worry, it can happen
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This is why Judge Judy gets so mad at people who were living together, then expect the courts to figure it out when it goes bad. Marriage exists for a reason. It's not "just a piece of paper." It's a legal contract that protects everyone involved.
1) why do the children have his last name? Why is he getting credit for his contribution of probably five minutes? 2) why didn't you just ask him to marry you?
There are a couple other issues, now that she might *start* working at 52yo: 1) How is she going to survive financially? How is she going to afford a house, car, etc. with the kind of job she can get after being out of the workforce for 30 years? 2) What about retirement? Social Security? Savings? WORDS OF WISDOM: Whoever controls your money controls you.
While starting over is difficult, everyone needs to calm down about her age. Being over 30 doesn't mean your life is over, and fear mongering about it is why people stay in toxic situations. Plenty of people divorce, lose spouses, lose jobs, etc, and start again. It sounds like she does have family, and unless her kids hate her, she probably has their support if necessary.
Load More Replies... NTA, but her last comment in the comments section though... ("Why didn't you leave?" - "Because I was a SAHM with many kids and he was this big executive..."). No honey, you weren't a SAHM with many kids, you CHOSE to be. The last kid came at 37, mind you. And he wasn't the big executive for many, many years if you met in your early 20s and he was working his way up. Plenty of time to work, to not have more kids, to leave. My sympathies, but this is also a woman in denial.
You dont understand psychological abuse much do you. Your basically victim blaming. When you're a 20 year old with little relationship experience it's easy to end up in an emotionally abusive relationship especially when you are living in a part of the world that still looks up to Coming out balls and other archaic gender roles. Being emotionally abused to the point of inaction or poor decision making isnt an overnight situatuon, you get widdled away. For all we know she came from an abusive home and was already emotionally vulnerable to this type of relationship. How about we hold the man accountable. She took care of his house, his child, project led his life outside of work. She deserves back oay far and above a roof over head, food in her belly and clothes on her back. The guys is trash and I am low key laughing that he thinks anyone woman his age is going to be sweeping him up and taking him to bed. He doesnt sound particularly fit either so getting a younger woman mmmm. Enjoy los
Load More Replies... It's not without reason that people in higher management are often classified as psychopaths. I think it's a great pity for the woman that she didn't manage to leave sooner. But I can understand what her reasons might have been. (Infatuation; hope that something will change [first that something will change with the children, then fear that the partner will do something so that you can no longer see the children]; fear of poverty; fear of revenge from the partner; fear of change ...) If you don't have anyone there to support you, it becomes really difficult with the exit. Even if I think it's self-inflicted, I think it's really hard that the woman has poured her life energy into a relationship and a family without getting a little security that she at least has an apartment and the bare necessities if things don't work out. (Especially since the partner seems to have a lot of money if he can live so well from the returns on his investments alone that it is also enough for traveling).
Didn't sound like she had much support, she mentioned his mother but no one from her own family. I'm curious as to why...
Load More Replies... My hunch is he didn't wanna marry her then cause of money - marriage is a legally binding contract that is mostly about financial matters; wealthy & higher up ppl know this very well. You could argue he could've done a pre-nup, but that still means she could negotiate for something. Without marriage she gets nothing. She prolly had the kids secretly hoping he'd change is mind. He didn't but she kept having more & stayed for 25yrs!!- so thats her fault. At that point it was already too late - he had money and would likely win custody and she gets nada. After a while it became a comfortable situ, too comfy to get out. Even if she marries him now then divorces him - the $$$ he already made before marriage belongs to him entirely and doesn't come into joint asset for her to get any of it. She should look into the law - in some countries even partners sharing the household for X years can warrant you an almost-wife status in a custody battle and gives you some rights over his assets.
Absolutely. I would bet they've been together long enough to warrant common law marriage. Married or not. My aunt and her boyfriend were together from the time she was 18 until he died. She was, I wanna say 53-54 then? They discontinued common law marriages in our state, with the exception of people who met common law status BEFORE that happened. She did.
Load More Replies... Consult a lawyer; you’ve been in a common-law marriage and domestic partnership for three decades. Surely there is some recourse for your exes sudden change of position on your relationship.
Unless she lives in Texas or South Carolina (as she mentioned "Southern") that still recognize common law marriage, she wouldn't have a claim. There's only 8 states that do anymore.
Load More Replies... If marriage was so important you should have made sure it was in place before having children . It's difficult but you have had a good life , marriage is not just about a ring. Many relationships function for lifetimes without marriage. My personal opinion was always live together before marriage BUT MARRIAGE before children.
Living together for more than 20 years, sharing assets and children, most US states specifically recognise financial compensation a d palimony after a split. Especially because OP raised the kids and put her own career on hold. Contact a divorce lawyer, it sounds like the size of the house etc will result in a split that is enough to retire on. But moaning about oh, I'm just the girlfriend and saying you had fewer rights and you could be 'tossed aside at any time' is ridiculous. Calls the slant of the rest of the story into question. Many courts award what is essentially back pay for childcare as well as splitting of assets. And this would have been as true 15 years earlier when the youngest was born. Maybe she was hoping for a bigger payday at retirement, but just walk now.
Woooah! I'm amazed at just how many people are blaming her for being the victim of financial and psychological abuse! If you're in a relationship like that, especially with kids, it's not so simple as just leave. It's never that simple!!!
Saying no I don't want marriage is not psychological abuse. She went 5 years before she even put her foot down and she could have walked right then and there.
Load More Replies... Oof. This one is kind of tough. The husband is kind of an AH but it's not like he hasn't shown who he is over the decades they've been together. I empathetic towards OP but it's kind of a "lay in the bed you made" situation. She's obviously unhappy but he no longer wants to marry her anyways. I don't know. It kind of feels like he'd be ok if she didn't travel with him and just that he'd be physical with other people if she wasn't there. But she doesn't want to be with him anyways, so wouldn't that be a win-win? Granted, I don't know what legal protections she has from presumably being a common law wife. And I know her not traveling could make things less stable and secure for her... As cynical as it sounds, I feel like the best moved would've been for her to marry him, use the stability to work on what she wanted, and then leave his a*s after the youngest graduates. I really don't know how to feel about all this. lmao
I'd call this an ESH situation. The OP certainly has some mishaps done herself, but the dude sounds like a pack of work to deal with, seriously. I was baffled when it came to the reveal that he only wanted her to travel with him because he wants a fūckbuddy. However, on the other side, I also have to say, nobody is entitled to marriage, even after spending years with their respective partner. If you are with someone who just isn't into marriage, and it's really that important to you, it might be an unfitting relationship for both. Don't make each other miserable for 30 years
So, I get the disrespect from others in the community, in particular if this is in the American South or somewhere with similar religious social mores.... But after 30 years and 4 children he refers to her as "an executive's girlfriend" -- really? Even without a ring, she's been his life partner throughout this time. And, even without a ring, as a common law wife she has all the rights to shared property. If neither of them see that, then yes, this is all pretty messed up....
Fundamental things like children, marriage, values, must be discussed early on and move on if they don't align. Adults don't change, plain and simple. But I understand why some people are afraid of bringing them up. There's this godamn awful fear of commitment that many people have and they run for the hills if a relationship starts to look "serious"..
Contrary to what some people believe, adults do sometime change. I'm not saying it has or will in this situation, but your statement that "Adults don't change, plain and simple" is absolutely not true. I know I changed a great deal after getting married.
Load More Replies... I have a phrase for people like this. You deserve all the s**t you take. She ate with a really big spoon for 25 years. I simply cannot have sympathy for a person who not only begged for marriage but when rebuffed stayed and had 4 children with him. However, depending on the state she lives in, she may be entitled to half of the house, spousal support, and probably a cash settlement as well.
I certainly wouldn't have waited *30 years* if I had wanted to be married. And I sure as héll wouldn't of had *4* kids with the bâstard!! Like holy crâp lady? Did she think having kids would make him propose faster???
Your youngest kid is 15, unless you homeschool her you have absolutely no reason to be a SAHM for the last 10 years. You could have at least worked part time or gotten your associates. Instead you chose to continue being financially taken care of by your BF. You might as well marry him and travel at this point, you two sound like you deserve each other.
There are too many people on here who don't understand how emotionak blackmail and power plays aka emotiobal abuse erode your self wsteem and ability to take action especially in a societsl landscaoe that is set in the 1950s where your neighbors, kids etc also lob emotional abuse at you. The end result is you dont need another relationship or man, get to know yourself if possible. Also find out what common law relationships laws are in your state. He didnt marry you because he didnt want you to get alimony for being his house servant and surrogate. Literally. He just saw numbers. My guess is the man has a disorder or two starting with complete lack of empathy. Not an excuse but kniw you are not dealing with a decent human. You need to be selfish now. Oh and rest assured at this age women are less inclined to want to deal with his BS so unless he has the game to land a much younger woman he isnt going to be rolling in the sheets as much as he thinks he is on his travels. Take care of yo
I agree the man is a jerk, but I didn't see anything to suggest abuse. She needs to take some responsibility for her own decisions.
Load More Replies... Depending on what state they live in, they could have a common law marriage since they were together for so long and she might be entitled to a portion of the assets that they accumulated. She needs an attorney.
Take care of yourself. He took advantage of you for FAR too long. Years too long. Any commenters blaming you or talking bad about you are in the wrong. You raised both of your shared biological children. It's beyond me why you didn't force his hand earlier. You deserve better b
Everyone has choices in life. She made hers. She was not entitled to marriage. And even when offered she refused. She did not have to stay with him for 25 years. She did not have to have 4 children with him. He holds some blame too but ultimately it's in her for the situation she's in. She has plenty of time to decide how she wanted it to go.
Load More Replies... Take the ring, sell it and use the money to get a good attorney! You have ample proof of being a "common law" partner. What a doucebag. Present him with a complete breakdown of the money he owes for all your "services" over the years, such as housekeeping, nanny services, cooking, sex, etc.
First of all, he has some major control issues. He seems to want to control where you work etc...after all these years of being with him, he still is insecure about you and because of that and also that he doesn't work anymore, he NOW wants to marry you to gain that CONTROL. Do you see this happening? He feels like he's lost control cause he no longer is working and for him to have that control back, he wants to marry you SO HE CAN FEEL LIKE HE IS IN CONTROL BY CONTROLLING YOU. If you haven't figured what my answer would be regarding him popping the question, it would be HELL NO! Why didn't you ask why is he now asking marry you all of a sudden and not years ago? I can go on and on but I won't. Girl, just think about it before making your decision.
Control where OP works? She has never worked! She could have worked while the kids were at school and had a large chunk of money saved considering he was paying all the bills. She's enjoyed the good life for a very long time, and shown no intelligence while her BF works, and now she has the audacity to feel disrespected.
Load More Replies... Your significant other is a Narcissist. The odds of a "narcissist" changing is basically ZERO. Consult an attorney you may be surprised at how many Rights you actually have.
You should NEVER agree to be a SAHM without financial security. And honestly you should never have children without it either if there's any choice. No matter how much you love each other, things can always change. Either through death or just falling out of love. Giving up your career is giving up your life and any chance of independence without marriage or some sort of contract (and even with marriage to be honest)! Don't throw away your life and take responsibility for your own financial safety.
She should have left before the first kid, even after the first one would have been reasonable. But to have 4 with a guy who has shown his true colors over and over again. You've had plenty of opportunities to get out. Get some help and leave him. You have nothing to your name and probably won't have a retirement. My SO and I had an unexpected pregnancy. We're still together, but we're not interested in getting married. We have wills should anything happen. However we both still work. I work part time so I'm not out of the job market even if the pay isn't that great. We don't have joint accounts either. I've always been skeptical of marriage as a lot of family members have been divorced. My parents never married, thank goodness. Some have married a few times. I'm grateful to have a partner who doesn't care about marriage, so it won't be too much of a headache should we ever decide to split. If marriage is really that important to you, you both should have been on the same page.
OP your post sounds like you maybe located in one of the Southern U.S. States? If so, many of them are Common law States which consider a couple 'married' in the eyes of the law after 7 yrs or so. Please consult an attorney before feeling as if you have to be kicked out after 30 yrs with nothing. Even with no Common Law, you were not only a SAHM but who cooked, cleaned, shopped, did errands, handled child care, etc.? There are a few legal cases where the lower courts have awarded past wages to those who have provided home and child services without pay. And since he refused to let you go for further schooling or a job because of sex, and prostitution is illegal, an attorney maybe very interested in this case. Please don't marry this jerk. He's shown you his true colors again and again.
This relationship was doomed from the start. Guy is walking red flag, and obviously wasn't boyfriend material, let alone husband material, and OP got into situation where she was financially dependent on him. I doubt their relationship was all sunshine and rainbows, since OP mentioned she was afraid to leave him, because he would use his influence to make her life miserable. He wasted her whole life. I would say leave him, but I'm not sure if Op could survive financially without him and he's owner of everything.
Wondering where's your adult kids in all of this. Can they not assist in getting you started on your own? I'm sure this big executive gave them a college education that made them financially solid. You sound like you surrendered to this abuser. I have questions about staying with a man who showed you ZERO respect your whole life which you found acceptable. Yes I understand all that about abused women can't stand up and feeling trapped thing. But there's enough resources out there to help women get out. You ARE seeing the light finally. Take the ring. Sell it and go to college. Sue him for spousal support. Leave that jack.....s behind and find a new life to help build up your sense of self worth. You still young and have a great life still to live. Were you born to be the slave of an ungrateful cupcake? Fix your crown and boldly walk into your future and a possible new relationship with a guy who treats you with dignity and respect. Don't look back.
Someone is only going to do what you allow them to do to you. He talks to you like that because he knows you aren't going to leave him. Pack your bags and leave. There is nothing that you can't go out and buy again. All that stuff is replaceable. A peace of mind is priceless!
Why would you have four kids with a man that you knew was never going to marry you? Worse, why would you put your children in a school where you knew damn well they would be bullied for the fact that their parents not being married and if you didn't know ahead of time why didn't you pull your kids out of that school as soon as you found out? You made Choice after choice of your own free will while this man told you straight to your face the entire time that he was not going to do what you wanted. And now that he is retired and his income is lower suddenly now you notice that he's a bit of a jerk at work? As if he hasn't told you exactly who he is all these years? I hope your story at least has the benefit of helping other young women understand that if they want marriage they need to dump the dudes who don't instead of having kids with them and throwing away their futures...
She's NOT the AH for walking away, or rolling her eyes, or being honest about how she feels. HE is the AH for knowing what she wanted all this time but not wanting to give her that until now and expecting a different reaction from her.
Why is he the AH in that regard? You are not entitled to marriage. He clearly didn't want to get married. He did eventually cave and propose and she said no after 25 years of waiting... Why is it ok that she be honest about how she feels about marriage and the situation, but he's not allowed to be honest about marriage or the situation. Very much a double standard there. Marriage isn't the ultimate form of happiness for everyone. If she wanted it, but he didn't, they should have talked it out, and when that produced nothing, she should have left. Not stayed and had 4 kids with him for 25 years waiting for it.
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It's pretty telling that he immediately reversed the marriage proposal and demanded she take up the travel lifestyle he wants or he'll cheat and abandon her. At this point, she might as well go all in. Convince him she's enamored of his plans and use the kids to pressure him into going through with a wedding by showing them the ring and telling them he asked. Then divorce him and take half of everything.
People who say that he does not owe her marriage probably missed the point where she accused him of gaslighting her and making her feel as though he would marry her eventually. Aka she was being led on. Whilst it is a good idea to leave, it is easier said than done when she obviously loved him so much at one point and then had children and finances involved. If he had no intention of marrying, he should have been transparent about that from the very beginning rather than lead her for decades for his own benefit.
As others have said, why stay 25 years if marriage was important?
This is a terribly sad situation. Married, not married this guy would have treated her the same way. He’s such a jerk. People are a zero-sum game with him. I wish for her to find love and happiness in these last chapters. My ex was the same. I should not have put up with it — thankfully, I had my degree from a prestigious university and a long corporate career. I have my adult son and we’re close. I’ve been single for four years. I advise to choose yourself — always.
YTA for letting this drag on for so long. You should go see a lawyer, and see what rights you have, as this is a common law marriage. Rights vary from state to state, but you need to protect yourself. And you minor child.
At this point it would be in her best interest to press for the marriage dispite him seeming like a douche.
You're not an a*****e...but you are kind of an idiot. You state that he's been holding out since year five...of a thirty year relationship. Congratulations, you played yourself; you let him dictate your boundaries for the past thirty years and you didn't have the balls to stand up for yourself. I mean, yeah, that sucks...but I also can't help but think that you're about a quarter-century too late to deserve any real pity. You saw that the situation was bad, and instead of doing anything about it, you stayed where you were and hoped it would get better without doing anything to change it. You're the frog in the pot of water, I'm afraid.
OP is a Defacto or Common Law Wife, who under a number of Countries laws would be entitled to half of the property, plus investments. OP find a excellent family law lawyer, and have a long chat. You may find you are entitled to quite a lot. Regardless of what he's done, he seems to have wanted his cake and eat it to where the loving long term girlfriend and family are concerned, without thinking that you have thoughts and feelings too. Don't sign anything he gives you! Without taking them away to a lawyer first. You do have rights here, and you have to find out what they are!
I am a SAHM who now identifies as a household manager.. my SO is a talented CPA and I am educated but he is the definitely better at making money. Our kid is about to be 13 and I've been getting c**p for years about 'not contributing' from him and his immediate family. A successful business and 10 employees later (that he and family needed to be fed and taken care of) and filling in for sick employees and proofreading protocol docs and I'm finally getting to feel not less than for 'just' staying home. And wouldn't a common law situation be applicable here?
52? No one hires a 52 y.o. with no experience. Marriage has its downsides, but it protects you in court. Even if he can "out lawyer" you, courts can level the playing field.
Why do your children bear his last name when you were never married? You could have save your kids a lot of teasing by using your own name. Go see a lawyer, charge him for babysitting, cleaning, cooking raising kids that don't carry your own name, washing etc. I had an acquaintance who(m?) did that to a good friend of mine. She won, and she ruined him. Go see a lawyer, and get some legal advice. You aren't as helpless as you may think.
Jesus Christ so basically he just kept her under his thumb for 30 years and she was too afraid to leave since they're not married. Dear god
I would have left ages ago, there's worse things than being a single mom, he would have paid child support
Definitely NTA...Not sure what Country this is happening in, but in my Country this is most definitely a Common Law Marriage! She should get half of everything! The piece of trash she is with is a Gasliting Narcissistic A*****e!!!
OP your post sounds like you maybe located in one of the Southern U.S. States? If so, many of them are Common law States which consider a couple 'married' in the eyes of the law after 7 yrs or so. Please consult an attorney before feeling as if you have to be kicked out after 30 yrs with nothing. Even with no Common Law, you were not only a SAHM but who cooked, cleaned, shopped, did errands, handled child care, etc.? There are cases where the courts have awarded past wages for unpaid services. If there is no labor contract and prostitution is illegal. . . Especially as he stipulated he wouldn't allow you to further your education, get a job without sex. An attorney maybe very interested in your case. Good luck and please don't marry this jerk. He's shown you his true colors.
Why would she waste 25 years "begging" for him to marry him? She has no self-respect, so why should he respect her. Plus, she had 4 of his children. If it was a mutual agreement to not marry it is one thing, but her wanting to is another. As someone said in the comments, she made her bed, now she has to lie in it.
My former mother in law gave me a bottle of chocolate liqueur because 'I liked it so much'...while I was pregnant with her first grandchild. It was a spite present.
Seems like you accidentally replied under the wrong post. This is an AITA post, you wanted to be at the Terrible Secret Santa post. Don't worry, it can happen
Load More Replies... This is why Judge Judy gets so mad at people who were living together, then expect the courts to figure it out when it goes bad. Marriage exists for a reason. It's not "just a piece of paper." It's a legal contract that protects everyone involved.
1) why do the children have his last name? Why is he getting credit for his contribution of probably five minutes? 2) why didn't you just ask him to marry you?
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