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Woman Refuses To Cover Her Scar After It Triggers Her Friend At The Beach, Drama Ensues
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Woman Refuses To Cover Her Scar After It Triggers Her Friend At The Beach, Drama Ensues

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In a recent post on the subreddit ‘Am I the [Jerk?]‘, platform user Lazy_Cheesecake4424 described an incident she had at the beach, igniting a discussion on personal boundaries and empathy.

When the woman and a couple of other people she was with took off their clothes, one of them noticed the biopsy scar on her leg and asked if she could cover it.

Trying to make peace with her body, the Redditor refused, and the situation got quite uncomfortable.

This woman went to the beach with her friends to get a tan

Image credits: Dmitriy Ganin / Pexels (not the actual photo)

But one of them asked her to cover up her biopsy scar

Image credits: National Cancer Institute / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

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Image credits: nikolast1 / Envato Elements (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Kamran Abdullayev / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Lazy_Cheesecake4424

Image credits: Josh Duke / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

The incident on the beach is a vivid reminder that everyone wants to be heard

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A scar is our skin’s natural way of knitting itself back together after it’s been hurt. Healing is a multipart process, and the science behind it is quite complex. Dermatologic surgeon Mary-Margaret Kober, MD, explains it in simple terms: wherever there’s been an injury, she says, the first thing that happens is that blood cells called platelets gather together and form a clot to stop the bleeding and seal the wound. Our immune system kicks in and creates inflammation, which helps fight infection and start healing. Later, cells called fibroblasts make collagen, growth factors, and other substances to help mend and rebuild the skin. A few days later, the tissue contracts and makes a scar. It can take up to a year for a scar to fully heal and reveal its final result. But even when healed, scar tissue is never completely like normal skin.

“It’s not quite as strong or as elastic, the color and texture may be different and it doesn’t produce hair, oil or sweat,” Dr. Kober notes.

It would be foolish to tell people to simply get over it. Even though Dr. Kober has some patients who say they don’t care about the scars and that they only want to get better, on the other side of the spectrum, there are plenty of those who are very concerned about their appearance after getting better.

However, trying to hide our imperfections only allows them to grow. So in the long run, making friends with them is the way to go. “Many of us have grown up without the secure attachment with caregivers that would provide a foundation for healthy connections in our adult lives,” psychotherapist John Amodeo wrote.

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“To the extent that we grew up being shamed, criticized, judged, or analyzed, we tend to shut down. We keep ourselves protected, our hearts hidden. We deem it foolish to show vulnerability and expose our true feelings and wants.”

Judging from her post, it sounds like the Redditor had internalized that real beauty is an inside job, and was actively going after it, so we can understand her desire to prioritize herself. But you can’t say that the other lady was being unreasonable either.

The woman’s story has received a variety of reactions, but most people have been saying that she did nothing wrong

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Some also recalled their own similar experiences

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Rugilė Žemaitytė

Rugilė Žemaitytė

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As a Visual Editor at Bored Panda, my favorite part of the job involves browsing the web for the cutest cat pics, the funniest memes and eye-catching illustrations to brighten up your day!

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Rugilė Žemaitytė

Rugilė Žemaitytė

Author, BoredPanda staff

As a Visual Editor at Bored Panda, my favorite part of the job involves browsing the web for the cutest cat pics, the funniest memes and eye-catching illustrations to brighten up your day!

Rokas Laurinavičius

Rokas Laurinavičius

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Rokas is a writer at Bored Panda with a BA in Communication. After working for a sculptor, he fell in love with visual storytelling and enjoys covering everything from TV shows (any Sopranos fans out there?) to photography. Throughout his years in Bored Panda, over 235 million people have read the posts he's written, which is probably more than he could count to.

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Rokas Laurinavičius

Rokas Laurinavičius

Writer, BoredPanda staff

Rokas is a writer at Bored Panda with a BA in Communication. After working for a sculptor, he fell in love with visual storytelling and enjoys covering everything from TV shows (any Sopranos fans out there?) to photography. Throughout his years in Bored Panda, over 235 million people have read the posts he's written, which is probably more than he could count to.

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sonja_6 avatar
Sonja
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is a very worrisome tendency to call everything 'triggers' nowadays. This woman wasn't 'triggered' a trigger is a very serious thing. People with severe PTSD have triggers. People with severe anxiety disorders have triggers. Bad things happening isn't automatically trauma, someone having a scar is not automatically a 'trigger' and people feeling uncomfortable or disliking something isn't being 'triggered'. Stop making the world responsible for your feelings! Even if someone has a legitimate trigger, avoidance and censorship of completely normal things isn't a feasible solution. Stop this madness.

sukebind avatar
Flora Porter
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Agreed! Triggered doesn't mean 'reminded me of something that made me feel bad', it means it causes an episode of a distressing mental illness like OCD or PTSD to manifest.

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sneacy123 avatar
ILoveMySon
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ho boy. Dana would flip out if she saw me with my various scars as a terminal cancer patient. I live by the sea and am going to enjoy what time I have left. I may be wrong, but Dana appears to want attention. My son NEVER discusses my illness.

beckisaurus avatar
Astro
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Can you imagine being finally comfortable enough to show your body that has scars on it, and someone asks you to please cover up because looking at the scars makes them feel uncomfortable? I would have told Dana to fck right off.

alysha_pursley avatar
Bewitched One
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have a large biopsy scar on my leg too. Anyone it triggers can kiss my cancer free a*s

alysha_pursley avatar
Bewitched One
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It wasn't originally so big, but the biopsy came back abnormal and although it wasn't cancer (yet) the dermatologist wanted to take off more to ensure nothing was left and I didn't have to worry about it coming back or anything turning into cancer. My mom had stage III melanoma, and cancer runs on both side of my family, So like I said above...

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libstak avatar
Libstak
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Main character syndrome on display, me, me, me. What if people commenting on your Scar is a trigger to your self esteem that you are working really hard to repair? It's not all about her, the world is full of people dealing with harsh issues and realities, she can sod off.

cali-tabby-katz avatar
LakotaWolf (she/her)
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is like me telling everyone to put their ladders away and NEVER use one in my sight because my dad fell off of one and sustained catastrophic brain damage 23 years ago. The tl;dr is that what Dana is going through really sucks, and I feel for her. But she absolutely does NOT get to tell someone else what to do with their body, regardless of what SHE is going through. Caveat - if OP had (as an extreme example) gotten a tattoo across their chest that said "haha I hope everyone with cancer DIES!!" - okay, yeah, I can understand Dana not wanting to see that. But again, Dana could have just... NOT LOOKED at it. If she is so overwhelmed that the sight of someone else's scar puts her into an emotional tailspin, she probably should speak to a therapist/get some anticipatory-grief counseling.

roxannekdsouza avatar
Roxanne D'souza
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The evening my dad passed away in the hospital, my sister and I went to the McDonalds next door while we waited for them to give us a death certificate. It was closing time and one of the coffee makers was making a beeping sound that made me think of my dad in the hospital, hooked up to machines. I looked at my sister and I saw she was distressed as well. So I asked her to come outside for a walk while our friends picked up our order. Never in my state of almost panic did I even think to ask the employees there to turn off their machines so that I could continue sitting there. It seemed like the most unreasonable request to make and it was just easier for us to get ourselves out of there.

guessundheit avatar
Guess Undheit
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is NOT cigarette smoke, loud music, stupid fireworks or other stuff that imposes on people without consent. A freaking SCAR does not shove itself in other people's faces or senses. Triggers are real and should be respected, but this isn't something that the OP's "friend" is forced to look at.

patriciaorourke29 avatar
Irishwoman abroad
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have scars and if someone asked me to cover them up (not that I flash them around, either), I would find it extremely offensive. This girl took a long time to come to terms with her scar, and now she feels confident enough to reveal it, the last thing she needs is someone asking her to hide it. Yes, she could sympathise with Dana, but she's under no obligation to hide the scar because it makes her uncomfortable. For the OP it's a reminder that she survived, and Dana should respect that too - and sit on the other side of her if it bothers her.

amanda-tyrrell avatar
kissmychakram
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Head and neck cancer patient here (in remission, I'm fine) would op's friend expect me to wear a hijab or a balaclava to hide my scars and protect her delicate sensibilities? Eff right off, thankyoubye.

shwetasaipatrayani avatar
Huntress of Artemis
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OP was finally comfortable with her scar.Dana nobody is asking you to stare at it.

c_o_shea avatar
C.O. Shea
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Consider this... I was raped. Imagine if I insisted every man remove himself from my sight?!? That'd be messed up! I do not do such unhinged things as demand others conform to my trauma profile. I go to therapy like a responsible human.

haoyun2001 avatar
María Hermida
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Her circus, her monkeys. Each of us has to deal with his/her demons as we can. Other people have their problems, too, and are not obliged to cater for our whims. If you feel "triggered", go home.

juliacargile avatar
Julia Cargile
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am over these entitled people and their triggers! We all have something that triggers us but most of us have manners enough to remain silent.

robyngardam avatar
KombatBunni
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have a massive scar on my left arm, running from under my thumb to 3/4 up my forearm from a hand operation 6 years ago. I won’t cover it up because it reminds me how damn lucky I am to still have a working hand. My daughter calls it my battle scar and it was a battle to get through the healing and rehab. Scars are scars, so if you don’t like it, don’t look!

hammerheadsharkgamer avatar
Dragons Exist
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This reminds me of an r/unpopularopinion post a while back - no one has to cover up or give warnings to anything "triggering", sorry if it makes you uncomfortable but it's annoying, especially in books when it spoils something

c_o_shea avatar
C.O. Shea
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hell, the scar could be the result of a cleaned up dog bite, shark attack, knife fight, etc. Move on trigger-girl, move on!

bksf avatar
UKGrandad
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How about just not looking at the scar? It's small and on the woman's upper thigh: there's no need to be looking down there in the first place.

tahadata avatar
Lara Verne
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So, if Dana was "triggered" by crutches, would it be ok if she declared that disabled people can't use them?

amcgregor7419 avatar
Tams21
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is very much a Dana problem. Asking someone to cover a scar is a huge overstep in boundaries and I would be very firm with my response.

sarah_a_tate avatar
Upstaged75
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh please! I'm going to punch the next person who says "triggered". If it bothered her that much she should have gone home. No matter what kind of trauma you have, you have no right to tell other people what to do with their own bodies. She sounds like an entitled jerk.

oldmanfl01 avatar
Steve Hall
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A scar is a scar and can not be recognised as a biopsy, it's just a scar.

juliestevens avatar
Giraffy Window
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Pfft. You can't declare another person's body as "triggering" and expect them to do anything to make you feel better about it. It's wrong and immensely selfish.

cheliturner_1 avatar
shankShaw deReemer
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom found my 48-year-old brother deceased in his bed in the house right beside mine. We didn't demolish it, and I haven't moved because it's a painful reminder. We still have it because it's also a source of many happy memories. The "friend" sounds like one of those people who is "triggered" by any and everything and wants to stir something up for her own benefit. Pure attention-seeking behavior.

ma-lahann avatar
marianne eliza
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It seems to be a trend that certain people expect the whole world to change just for them. I guess being vegan isn't trendy enough anymore. Now it's triggers.

michellethecollegestudent avatar
Michelle C
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

While my heart goes out to Dana, considering her situation, asking someone who has survived cancer to cover up the evidence of that survival, as though covering up, that evidence will benefit both of them in any way seems insensitive. This young lady has every right to acknowledge her survival as much as her friend has the right to navigate the uncertainty of her mother’s pain. On the off chance that either of them read this, I hope they see I am praying for both of them.

mikedelancey avatar
Two_rolling_black_eyes
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Another AITA post where its obviously one answer. Right now 96% agree NTA. If BP is going to post clickbait like this, can we at least get something closer to 50% so a real discussion can occur?

zanoni608 avatar
talliloo
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

i have so many scars that some of my body looks like a road map. and, i wear them proudly. some are from surgeries of a serious nature while others are souvenirs of mishaps during adventures. my arms in particular are crisscrossed with scars from working with animals, mostly rescue dogs, teaching them that hands don't always hurt. each one has a story and they are out for all to see. also have metal from the hips down as well in my jaw. i'm a lot of fun going through the airport.

signe-signehansen-hansen avatar
Svenne O'Lotta
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh fúck off, Dana. Imagine being that horrible to a CANCER SURVIVOR while your mom is literally fighting the exact same thing.

travellingtrainer avatar
Hey!
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was told my two scars on my right arm don't look professional when I was with important clients and dressed-up to the nines. Not from them but from a colleague. My scars are from surgeries and I had laser done over them as part of my therapy (pain but it was also cosmetic). That happened about 4 years after and I was still doing therapy. Mind your own business.

bjenkins3988 avatar
brittany
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

my cousin passed away in a car crash. i dont ask people to stop driving cars because its too "triggering" for me to see cars. Dana may be going through it but thats on her to deal with.

jessicadawson avatar
Bahama Mama
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So I'm wondering if this story is even true, like could she really tell if the scar was from a biopsy? Don't alot of scars look similar?

alan-jay-weiner avatar
Alan Jay Weiner
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I liked the comment someone said about asking a bald person to hide it. I'm bald. However, I didn't wake up one day and decide I'll shave my head and be cool. (no offense intended to anyone who did) I *earned* my bald head through chemo and a bone-marrow transplant. I'm healthy now; going on 19 years after my fun times (I highly don't recommend it - I joked with the nurses during chemo "if I'd known how much work it would be I never would've gotten cancer" :) Even made up t-shirts printed with that. Cancer sucks, and we're fortunately making progress; far too slowly, but at least bit by bit. Best of luck to anyone dealing with it - my advice is *drink lots*! It's really hard to drink enough - I passed out walking to the bathroom because I ended up dehydrated and constipated. Woke up and met the nice EMTs and got a wonderful (not!) ride to the hospital. Drink, drink, drink and drink more (popsicles, Jell-O, and things like that count, too).

alan-jay-weiner avatar
Alan Jay Weiner
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I also found visualization to be helpful. Silly (not really, but...), I imagined sleek little spaceships flying through my veins, ripping apart cancer cells with razor sharp wing tips. And Star Wars-like droids rolling around and destroying clumps of cancer. And a shadowy figure, hiding , and blasting cancerous cells that hid from my sci-fi space force. :)

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roger_simmons_94 avatar
The Camera Man
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"Dana" would have had a conniption if my better half was there showing her scars. Can you imagine what little remains of a double mastectomy except scarring?

gfbarros avatar
Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think OP has an Anna problem. Part of your role as a friend is to filter out the random s**t-talking mutuals do about each other. You dont report it back, you dont demand apologies on anothers adult behalf and you dont get in the middle unless it affected you too.

bkbigfish avatar
BK BigFish
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dana's snowflake trigger reaction was totally in the wrong, and OP is NTA. She needn't apologize. BUT Dana looks like she needs a friend. Her father just died, and her mother may too. She's only in her early 20's. OP had her own cancer scare; she should maybe talk to her. My fellow BP readers seem a little too callous about this one.

soniborah avatar
Howl's sleeping castle
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My MIL died of cancer few months back and knowing her she wouldn't have minded this girl being comfortable with that scar.

madmanmanny2021 avatar
Manny
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm so sick and tired of all these self-entitled people nowadays. It's getting so ridiculous

micheldurinx avatar
Marcellus II
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Overweight people trigger me so they should all wear burkas (regardless of gender). Not just on the beach. AITA?

sandyd avatar
Sandy D
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I hope she didn't apologize because she did nothing wrong,. The person who demanded she cover it was way outta line

ames_vee avatar
Ames Vee
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've had multiple open heart surgeries & procedure and have so many scars. It took me a lot of years before I would even show them. I did every possible thing to hide them. Then I realized since birth I have repeatedly survived brutal operations and long painful recoveries. I fought and earned every single scar. I am proud of them now. They represent every battle I have won. If you don't like it, look away. Preferably into a mirror so you can figure out what your problem is.

haoyun2001 avatar
María Hermida
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

MULTIPLE open heart surgeries???? Poor you! Your resilience, both physical and mental, must be bigger then the Everest to survive that. You have the right to be proud of your scars.

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jppennington avatar
JayWantsACat
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm a guy with two really bad, large scars from abdominal surgeries. One of them is really bad but I'm not covering up for anyone. If you don't like the way they look, just don't look at me or move. FOH trying to tell anyone to cover up, especially because they're triggering for you.

scottwilkins avatar
Scott Wilkins
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Heavily scarred from a violent incident. I'll admit I don't show my legs, both to avoid questions and not to make others feel uneasy, but I refuse to cover up my arms. I know what it's like to feel self conscious and also to worry how others who went through similar trauma might feel.

parmeisan avatar
Parmeisan
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'd go with NAH, which seems to be a minority opinion. I agree that if something bothers you then it's your responsibility to deal with it. But - AS A GENERAL RULE - I don't think it's villainous to ask politely if someone can accommodate as long as you 100% accept a "no" answer - which Dana did. She asked, the answer was no, she carried on. She handled it herself (as everyone is saying she should do) by avoiding OP's scar from that point on. And there's no indication that she complained about it later, only that she mentioned it. This hardly makes her a bad person. Now, the fact that the thing in question was a scar which could affect OP's self-confidence makes Dana a bit of an AH, but I'd give her the pass on that since this is a very new issue for her, looming large in her head. So again, no AH here, in my opinion.

haoyun2001 avatar
María Hermida
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is villainous because she expects to be considered the centre of the world, and she didn't stop to think for a second if her question could "trigger" the other person's low self-esteem or insecurities. What if, instead of a scar, their trigger were big noses, or green eyes. Should people cover their faces to avoid triggering her?

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bkjackson1000 avatar
Guy Smiley
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dana needs counseling. And any good Counselor/Psychologist or Psychiatrist knows there's no such thing as a "trigger". It is attention seeking behaviour, either conscious or subconscious, and needs to be worked on privately. You cannot expect the entire world to change their behavior because there is an issue with yours. She should have sat away or left the beach. Moreover, the woman with the scar might have just made her own personal breakthrough to be in public showing her scar. Stay in your lane or get off the highway until you're ready to handle the conditions prevalent in open spaces.

tamrastiffler avatar
Tamra
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You are wrong. A trigger is any stimulus that triggers feelings of trauma. Hence the name, trigger. While I do feel the term is too often used hyperbolically, there's no doubt among mental health care professionals that many people, especially those with various types of PTSD, possess these triggers. Those with this condition are NOT attention seeking, and your comment is reductive, insulting and false. I do agree with you that those around us shouldn't be held responsible for our own issues, however.

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nonotalways avatar
Bryn
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

you being in a bad place does not give you the right to control other people's bodies.

icpshootyz avatar
George Costanza
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you had a cancer scare, maybe laying out in ionizing, cancer-causing solar radiation to "get a tan" isn't the best idea. Granted, I diagnose skin cancer for a living, so I might be biased against tanning. Don't do it.

butternutsquash avatar
Lydsylou (she/her)
Community Member
1 month ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

She didn't necessarily do anything wrong and it was up to her but I think if it was me even if I wanted a tan I would definitely cover up just for the sake of a friend it's not the end of the world but it's hard for her

miss-hoodoo avatar
Petra Schaap
Community Member
1 month ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

if she was just some rando, i would tell her to f**k off. If she was just somewhat of a friend that demanded this, id tell her to f**k off. But as she's about to lose her mom of cancer, and as i dont see her that often anyway, id cover up that ONE time. I thought that people who went through cancer (scares) were WAY more compassionate to others in the same situation. :-(

sonja_6 avatar
Sonja
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is a very worrisome tendency to call everything 'triggers' nowadays. This woman wasn't 'triggered' a trigger is a very serious thing. People with severe PTSD have triggers. People with severe anxiety disorders have triggers. Bad things happening isn't automatically trauma, someone having a scar is not automatically a 'trigger' and people feeling uncomfortable or disliking something isn't being 'triggered'. Stop making the world responsible for your feelings! Even if someone has a legitimate trigger, avoidance and censorship of completely normal things isn't a feasible solution. Stop this madness.

sukebind avatar
Flora Porter
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Agreed! Triggered doesn't mean 'reminded me of something that made me feel bad', it means it causes an episode of a distressing mental illness like OCD or PTSD to manifest.

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sneacy123 avatar
ILoveMySon
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ho boy. Dana would flip out if she saw me with my various scars as a terminal cancer patient. I live by the sea and am going to enjoy what time I have left. I may be wrong, but Dana appears to want attention. My son NEVER discusses my illness.

beckisaurus avatar
Astro
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Can you imagine being finally comfortable enough to show your body that has scars on it, and someone asks you to please cover up because looking at the scars makes them feel uncomfortable? I would have told Dana to fck right off.

alysha_pursley avatar
Bewitched One
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have a large biopsy scar on my leg too. Anyone it triggers can kiss my cancer free a*s

alysha_pursley avatar
Bewitched One
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It wasn't originally so big, but the biopsy came back abnormal and although it wasn't cancer (yet) the dermatologist wanted to take off more to ensure nothing was left and I didn't have to worry about it coming back or anything turning into cancer. My mom had stage III melanoma, and cancer runs on both side of my family, So like I said above...

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libstak avatar
Libstak
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Main character syndrome on display, me, me, me. What if people commenting on your Scar is a trigger to your self esteem that you are working really hard to repair? It's not all about her, the world is full of people dealing with harsh issues and realities, she can sod off.

cali-tabby-katz avatar
LakotaWolf (she/her)
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is like me telling everyone to put their ladders away and NEVER use one in my sight because my dad fell off of one and sustained catastrophic brain damage 23 years ago. The tl;dr is that what Dana is going through really sucks, and I feel for her. But she absolutely does NOT get to tell someone else what to do with their body, regardless of what SHE is going through. Caveat - if OP had (as an extreme example) gotten a tattoo across their chest that said "haha I hope everyone with cancer DIES!!" - okay, yeah, I can understand Dana not wanting to see that. But again, Dana could have just... NOT LOOKED at it. If she is so overwhelmed that the sight of someone else's scar puts her into an emotional tailspin, she probably should speak to a therapist/get some anticipatory-grief counseling.

roxannekdsouza avatar
Roxanne D'souza
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The evening my dad passed away in the hospital, my sister and I went to the McDonalds next door while we waited for them to give us a death certificate. It was closing time and one of the coffee makers was making a beeping sound that made me think of my dad in the hospital, hooked up to machines. I looked at my sister and I saw she was distressed as well. So I asked her to come outside for a walk while our friends picked up our order. Never in my state of almost panic did I even think to ask the employees there to turn off their machines so that I could continue sitting there. It seemed like the most unreasonable request to make and it was just easier for us to get ourselves out of there.

guessundheit avatar
Guess Undheit
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is NOT cigarette smoke, loud music, stupid fireworks or other stuff that imposes on people without consent. A freaking SCAR does not shove itself in other people's faces or senses. Triggers are real and should be respected, but this isn't something that the OP's "friend" is forced to look at.

patriciaorourke29 avatar
Irishwoman abroad
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have scars and if someone asked me to cover them up (not that I flash them around, either), I would find it extremely offensive. This girl took a long time to come to terms with her scar, and now she feels confident enough to reveal it, the last thing she needs is someone asking her to hide it. Yes, she could sympathise with Dana, but she's under no obligation to hide the scar because it makes her uncomfortable. For the OP it's a reminder that she survived, and Dana should respect that too - and sit on the other side of her if it bothers her.

amanda-tyrrell avatar
kissmychakram
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Head and neck cancer patient here (in remission, I'm fine) would op's friend expect me to wear a hijab or a balaclava to hide my scars and protect her delicate sensibilities? Eff right off, thankyoubye.

shwetasaipatrayani avatar
Huntress of Artemis
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OP was finally comfortable with her scar.Dana nobody is asking you to stare at it.

c_o_shea avatar
C.O. Shea
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Consider this... I was raped. Imagine if I insisted every man remove himself from my sight?!? That'd be messed up! I do not do such unhinged things as demand others conform to my trauma profile. I go to therapy like a responsible human.

haoyun2001 avatar
María Hermida
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Her circus, her monkeys. Each of us has to deal with his/her demons as we can. Other people have their problems, too, and are not obliged to cater for our whims. If you feel "triggered", go home.

juliacargile avatar
Julia Cargile
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am over these entitled people and their triggers! We all have something that triggers us but most of us have manners enough to remain silent.

robyngardam avatar
KombatBunni
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have a massive scar on my left arm, running from under my thumb to 3/4 up my forearm from a hand operation 6 years ago. I won’t cover it up because it reminds me how damn lucky I am to still have a working hand. My daughter calls it my battle scar and it was a battle to get through the healing and rehab. Scars are scars, so if you don’t like it, don’t look!

hammerheadsharkgamer avatar
Dragons Exist
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This reminds me of an r/unpopularopinion post a while back - no one has to cover up or give warnings to anything "triggering", sorry if it makes you uncomfortable but it's annoying, especially in books when it spoils something

c_o_shea avatar
C.O. Shea
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hell, the scar could be the result of a cleaned up dog bite, shark attack, knife fight, etc. Move on trigger-girl, move on!

bksf avatar
UKGrandad
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How about just not looking at the scar? It's small and on the woman's upper thigh: there's no need to be looking down there in the first place.

tahadata avatar
Lara Verne
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So, if Dana was "triggered" by crutches, would it be ok if she declared that disabled people can't use them?

amcgregor7419 avatar
Tams21
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is very much a Dana problem. Asking someone to cover a scar is a huge overstep in boundaries and I would be very firm with my response.

sarah_a_tate avatar
Upstaged75
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh please! I'm going to punch the next person who says "triggered". If it bothered her that much she should have gone home. No matter what kind of trauma you have, you have no right to tell other people what to do with their own bodies. She sounds like an entitled jerk.

oldmanfl01 avatar
Steve Hall
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A scar is a scar and can not be recognised as a biopsy, it's just a scar.

juliestevens avatar
Giraffy Window
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Pfft. You can't declare another person's body as "triggering" and expect them to do anything to make you feel better about it. It's wrong and immensely selfish.

cheliturner_1 avatar
shankShaw deReemer
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom found my 48-year-old brother deceased in his bed in the house right beside mine. We didn't demolish it, and I haven't moved because it's a painful reminder. We still have it because it's also a source of many happy memories. The "friend" sounds like one of those people who is "triggered" by any and everything and wants to stir something up for her own benefit. Pure attention-seeking behavior.

ma-lahann avatar
marianne eliza
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It seems to be a trend that certain people expect the whole world to change just for them. I guess being vegan isn't trendy enough anymore. Now it's triggers.

michellethecollegestudent avatar
Michelle C
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

While my heart goes out to Dana, considering her situation, asking someone who has survived cancer to cover up the evidence of that survival, as though covering up, that evidence will benefit both of them in any way seems insensitive. This young lady has every right to acknowledge her survival as much as her friend has the right to navigate the uncertainty of her mother’s pain. On the off chance that either of them read this, I hope they see I am praying for both of them.

mikedelancey avatar
Two_rolling_black_eyes
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Another AITA post where its obviously one answer. Right now 96% agree NTA. If BP is going to post clickbait like this, can we at least get something closer to 50% so a real discussion can occur?

zanoni608 avatar
talliloo
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

i have so many scars that some of my body looks like a road map. and, i wear them proudly. some are from surgeries of a serious nature while others are souvenirs of mishaps during adventures. my arms in particular are crisscrossed with scars from working with animals, mostly rescue dogs, teaching them that hands don't always hurt. each one has a story and they are out for all to see. also have metal from the hips down as well in my jaw. i'm a lot of fun going through the airport.

signe-signehansen-hansen avatar
Svenne O'Lotta
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh fúck off, Dana. Imagine being that horrible to a CANCER SURVIVOR while your mom is literally fighting the exact same thing.

travellingtrainer avatar
Hey!
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was told my two scars on my right arm don't look professional when I was with important clients and dressed-up to the nines. Not from them but from a colleague. My scars are from surgeries and I had laser done over them as part of my therapy (pain but it was also cosmetic). That happened about 4 years after and I was still doing therapy. Mind your own business.

bjenkins3988 avatar
brittany
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

my cousin passed away in a car crash. i dont ask people to stop driving cars because its too "triggering" for me to see cars. Dana may be going through it but thats on her to deal with.

jessicadawson avatar
Bahama Mama
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So I'm wondering if this story is even true, like could she really tell if the scar was from a biopsy? Don't alot of scars look similar?

alan-jay-weiner avatar
Alan Jay Weiner
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I liked the comment someone said about asking a bald person to hide it. I'm bald. However, I didn't wake up one day and decide I'll shave my head and be cool. (no offense intended to anyone who did) I *earned* my bald head through chemo and a bone-marrow transplant. I'm healthy now; going on 19 years after my fun times (I highly don't recommend it - I joked with the nurses during chemo "if I'd known how much work it would be I never would've gotten cancer" :) Even made up t-shirts printed with that. Cancer sucks, and we're fortunately making progress; far too slowly, but at least bit by bit. Best of luck to anyone dealing with it - my advice is *drink lots*! It's really hard to drink enough - I passed out walking to the bathroom because I ended up dehydrated and constipated. Woke up and met the nice EMTs and got a wonderful (not!) ride to the hospital. Drink, drink, drink and drink more (popsicles, Jell-O, and things like that count, too).

alan-jay-weiner avatar
Alan Jay Weiner
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I also found visualization to be helpful. Silly (not really, but...), I imagined sleek little spaceships flying through my veins, ripping apart cancer cells with razor sharp wing tips. And Star Wars-like droids rolling around and destroying clumps of cancer. And a shadowy figure, hiding , and blasting cancerous cells that hid from my sci-fi space force. :)

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roger_simmons_94 avatar
The Camera Man
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"Dana" would have had a conniption if my better half was there showing her scars. Can you imagine what little remains of a double mastectomy except scarring?

gfbarros avatar
Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think OP has an Anna problem. Part of your role as a friend is to filter out the random s**t-talking mutuals do about each other. You dont report it back, you dont demand apologies on anothers adult behalf and you dont get in the middle unless it affected you too.

bkbigfish avatar
BK BigFish
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dana's snowflake trigger reaction was totally in the wrong, and OP is NTA. She needn't apologize. BUT Dana looks like she needs a friend. Her father just died, and her mother may too. She's only in her early 20's. OP had her own cancer scare; she should maybe talk to her. My fellow BP readers seem a little too callous about this one.

soniborah avatar
Howl's sleeping castle
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My MIL died of cancer few months back and knowing her she wouldn't have minded this girl being comfortable with that scar.

madmanmanny2021 avatar
Manny
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm so sick and tired of all these self-entitled people nowadays. It's getting so ridiculous

micheldurinx avatar
Marcellus II
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Overweight people trigger me so they should all wear burkas (regardless of gender). Not just on the beach. AITA?

sandyd avatar
Sandy D
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I hope she didn't apologize because she did nothing wrong,. The person who demanded she cover it was way outta line

ames_vee avatar
Ames Vee
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've had multiple open heart surgeries & procedure and have so many scars. It took me a lot of years before I would even show them. I did every possible thing to hide them. Then I realized since birth I have repeatedly survived brutal operations and long painful recoveries. I fought and earned every single scar. I am proud of them now. They represent every battle I have won. If you don't like it, look away. Preferably into a mirror so you can figure out what your problem is.

haoyun2001 avatar
María Hermida
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

MULTIPLE open heart surgeries???? Poor you! Your resilience, both physical and mental, must be bigger then the Everest to survive that. You have the right to be proud of your scars.

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jppennington avatar
JayWantsACat
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm a guy with two really bad, large scars from abdominal surgeries. One of them is really bad but I'm not covering up for anyone. If you don't like the way they look, just don't look at me or move. FOH trying to tell anyone to cover up, especially because they're triggering for you.

scottwilkins avatar
Scott Wilkins
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Heavily scarred from a violent incident. I'll admit I don't show my legs, both to avoid questions and not to make others feel uneasy, but I refuse to cover up my arms. I know what it's like to feel self conscious and also to worry how others who went through similar trauma might feel.

parmeisan avatar
Parmeisan
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'd go with NAH, which seems to be a minority opinion. I agree that if something bothers you then it's your responsibility to deal with it. But - AS A GENERAL RULE - I don't think it's villainous to ask politely if someone can accommodate as long as you 100% accept a "no" answer - which Dana did. She asked, the answer was no, she carried on. She handled it herself (as everyone is saying she should do) by avoiding OP's scar from that point on. And there's no indication that she complained about it later, only that she mentioned it. This hardly makes her a bad person. Now, the fact that the thing in question was a scar which could affect OP's self-confidence makes Dana a bit of an AH, but I'd give her the pass on that since this is a very new issue for her, looming large in her head. So again, no AH here, in my opinion.

haoyun2001 avatar
María Hermida
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is villainous because she expects to be considered the centre of the world, and she didn't stop to think for a second if her question could "trigger" the other person's low self-esteem or insecurities. What if, instead of a scar, their trigger were big noses, or green eyes. Should people cover their faces to avoid triggering her?

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bkjackson1000 avatar
Guy Smiley
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dana needs counseling. And any good Counselor/Psychologist or Psychiatrist knows there's no such thing as a "trigger". It is attention seeking behaviour, either conscious or subconscious, and needs to be worked on privately. You cannot expect the entire world to change their behavior because there is an issue with yours. She should have sat away or left the beach. Moreover, the woman with the scar might have just made her own personal breakthrough to be in public showing her scar. Stay in your lane or get off the highway until you're ready to handle the conditions prevalent in open spaces.

tamrastiffler avatar
Tamra
Community Member
1 month ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You are wrong. A trigger is any stimulus that triggers feelings of trauma. Hence the name, trigger. While I do feel the term is too often used hyperbolically, there's no doubt among mental health care professionals that many people, especially those with various types of PTSD, possess these triggers. Those with this condition are NOT attention seeking, and your comment is reductive, insulting and false. I do agree with you that those around us shouldn't be held responsible for our own issues, however.

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nonotalways avatar
Bryn
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

you being in a bad place does not give you the right to control other people's bodies.

icpshootyz avatar
George Costanza
Community Member
1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you had a cancer scare, maybe laying out in ionizing, cancer-causing solar radiation to "get a tan" isn't the best idea. Granted, I diagnose skin cancer for a living, so I might be biased against tanning. Don't do it.

butternutsquash avatar
Lydsylou (she/her)
Community Member
1 month ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

She didn't necessarily do anything wrong and it was up to her but I think if it was me even if I wanted a tan I would definitely cover up just for the sake of a friend it's not the end of the world but it's hard for her

miss-hoodoo avatar
Petra Schaap
Community Member
1 month ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

if she was just some rando, i would tell her to f**k off. If she was just somewhat of a friend that demanded this, id tell her to f**k off. But as she's about to lose her mom of cancer, and as i dont see her that often anyway, id cover up that ONE time. I thought that people who went through cancer (scares) were WAY more compassionate to others in the same situation. :-(

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