16 Y.O. In Tears After Single Mom Gets Her The Wrong Christmas Gift, Adds Insult To Injury
While it’s true that the holidays are a time of celebration, connection and all that jazz, it’s also very much a strain on one’s wallet’s contents.
With that said, you can imagine how much more stressful it would be for a single mom on a tight budget with 3 kids.
And it doesn’t help that disappointment adds its own, making what’s supposed to be a magical time into a cluster of bad decisions and hurt. And no, it doesn’t sound like your average, run of the mill Christmas. Stop it.
The holiday season is something to look forward to, but it does take its toll on your finances
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual image)
A single mom of 3 shared a story of the fallout she had with her teen daughter over a gift expectation that was not met
Image credits: Polina Zimmerman (not the actual image)
Image credits: u/Affectionate_Tea1801
The daughter, wanting an iPad Pro, got a commendable alternative and an exhausted back-and-forth led to a verbal push-and-shove
The story goes that u/Affectionate_Tea1801, a mother of 3 daughters aged 11 (twins) and 16, shared her Christmas day struggles.
The twins wanted a Nintendo Switch for Christmas, while the elder one wanted an iPad Pro. Seeing as the single mom had a budget of $500, and the iPad alone cost $800, there was no way of meeting everyone’s needs.
So, she had to compromise. The little ones got their Switch, but the 16-year-old was given a Samsung alternative. This was after having also talked to her about how money is tight and “it seemed like we came to an understanding.”
The seeming was wrong.
Come Christmas day and the elder daughter is not happy. She throws a fit, according to the mom, and exhaustion kicks in. The mom says that if she wants a proper gift, she should call the dad (who is gone and isn’t seemingly planning on coming back).
It all ended in a teary falling out, followed by the returning of gifts. Oh, and also a posting online.
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual image)
Folks were leaning towards a clear “you’re a jerk” verdict, but there were some devil’s advocates as well
The majority of the commenters were siding with the kid. Not only did they feel compassion for someone whose dad walked out, but also the mother’s cruel comment to call a dad who isn’t going to pick up the phone pushed it way out of line.
Folks also felt it important to point out that she is 16—an age when kids are going through more than just external but also internal factors. She is just making sense of the world as a young adult, and so adding a fire of dysfunctionality to the fuel is not helping.
Others argued that, all arguing, spoiling, and lashing out aside, the biggest culprit here is the dad. Why wasn’t he in the spotlight?
And there were also those who argued that siding with the kid just because is just dumb. They argued that they grew up without a dad and they had enough understanding to grasp the family situation and not make a fuss about it. If anything, this was a great lesson for someone who’s ungrateful and spoiled.
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual image)
Whatever the case, the situation could’ve been handled better, though the mom did do some things right
When it comes to teens losing it over Christmas gifts, it’s important to know that this is normal. Kids are not yet calibrated to life, and so adding talks of values and other lecturing to an ongoing fit is counterproductive.
Instead, it’s important to validate the teen’s feelings, acknowledge how they feel and empathize, hear them out. That helps to alleviate the meltdown.
Whatever happens, it’s always good to stay frosty in such situations, as losing one’s cool will only fuel the fallout. Again, listening, validating, and pointing out the silver lining goes a long way.
What the mom did right, though, was she tried to manage expectations. This is also a great opportunity to at least try to lay the foundation for expectations for future gift-getting occasions. Once the kid has calmed down, point out the true meaning of the holidays and what truly matters.
And you know what matters? You. And your thoughts and stories in the comment section below!
Image credits: Any Lane (not the actual image)
Most folks called the mom a jerk right off the bat for her lashing out and adding salt to the wound
Others, however, noted that there is another side to the situation and the mom was not really at fault
Some even dared to argue that nobody’s at fault. Well, maybe the dad
First Christmas dealing with dad's abandonment. That's a lot of emotion. The tablet was a catalyst, not the cause of the explosion. No one handled it well. I hope they can find a way to communicate and work through the pain together or they won't have a relationship at all.
Baldly, the OP knew that the $800 gift was not in her budget. The time to make that clear was before Christmas Day’s unwrapping, not waiting until December 25. Communicate clearly with your kids, don’t just hope that you’ve “come to an understanding” which is a meaningless phrase beyond “I avoided a difficult conversation and hoped the situation would resolve itself”.
Mom should have managed expectations before Christmas day. Obviously, both mother and teen are struggling through a tough situation. I'm more concerned that, apparently, still too many men think it's perfectly acceptable to abandon the children they help bring into the world.
She did " I do the best I can for my daughters butunfortunately, I have a limited budget andI told them this. I told my daughter that itwould be extremely difficult to get an ipadpro but I will do the best I can. At thatpoint it seemed like we came to anunderstanding. "
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Both are a******s here, but both are reacting to their circumstances. Mum is stressed, exhausted and struggling financially, but she over reacted and returning the tablet was probrably the wrong move. Daughter is abandoned and disapponinted, and lashing out because she's a hormonal teenager. Mum needs to sit down with her daughter and talk to her, from the "I love you, and I'm sorry I couldn't get you what you wanted" to the "I'm so sorry, your Dad disappearing on you sucks, it hurts, it's not fair." to "I'm here, I'm always going to be here, even when I make mistakes, and hurt your feelings." Then explain the finances, and why the more expensive Ipad wasn't able to fit into the budget, and the cheaper requests of the other kids were. Explain that you aren't receiving support money from ex." Then go into "I'm sorry I returned your tablet without asking if that was what you wanted to do. That was unfair. I've kept the £180/£200 I budgeted for you, what would you like to get with it?"
That would have been the adult thing to do, it's not too late! I think they all need counseling if they can get it.
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OP is an a*s for how they handled it. she never should have made them think they would get an ipad. she should have been honest and explained the entire situation and not pretended that it might be okay. that 16yr old needs to know that she has one parent she can trust and now she probably feels like she has no one. Had she been aware of the facts ahead of time, then her expectations would have been realistic.
I feel for both, but when the teen went ballistic, it probably triggered a similar (and understandable) response from mom. The mom could easily have had a private convo with her daughter BEFORE Christmas to explain gently about her budget and to ask the girl for a more affordable request. Even if she spent nothing on the younger girls, she would have been way over budget to get this girl-woman what she asked for. Even a traumatized flaky teen can understand this.
I see 2 women ( one still a child) who's lives have been torn apart. Mom needs to sit down with the daughter have an adult conversation. Calm, no blaming each other. And realize that there is going to be struggle and they only have each other. The young woman, will now learn to NEVER rely on a man for financial stability. Both reacted in anger and hurt - the abandonment by a parent/ spouse is totally devastating.
Now let’s see if people on this website can grasp the difference between boundaries (telling the kid she can’t afford the iPad) and high school behaviour (throwing the fact that her dad walked out on her in her face). With how much people on this website hate kids, I’m not optimistic.
The teenager threw the fact that the father left them in her mother's face. She demanded her mother do something impossible, threw a tantrum in front of her younger siblings when her mother couldn't do it, and then insisted that the parent who had abandoned her is better than the one who stayed and is working herself to the bone to provide. Of course the exhausted, devastated mother is going to snap. Sixteen is old enough to understand basic math.
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This mom lost her cool. She has been doing the best she could to support her children by herself and just lost it. She should go back to the daughter and say "I am sorry I spoke to you so harshly. I know you are disappointed in the Christmas gift. I am disappointed I couldn't give you want you most wanted. I was exhausted and reacted badly. I will do my best to not do that again. I need you, as the oldest, to understand, we are on our own. Your father does not help us at all. This is not my choice but is our reality. I am going to give you the money from the gift and together, lets figure out a way we can earn the remaining to get you that iPad. For my part, I will try to pick up another shift here or there, but I'll need you to help take care of your siblings when that happens. Together, we will get though this."
Tough situation here.. I feel bad for single parents.. the only AH's I see are the ones who call her the AH and constantly have to chime in with BS like "well I had THIS done and I suffered with THAT too but I was just fine" like every situation is exactly like theirs.. hope this is just a minor blip and mother and daughter can move on..
Both messed up here, though perhaps I'm more sympathetic towards the mom. She's doing a superhero's job all by herself - the dad is the only AH here. Getting the tablet was probably a trigger for her daughter who has a lot of pent-up sadness and she lashed out at the closest adult, and mom reacted like a human being. That being said, as a teen I've gotten some gifts I didn't like from my parents but always pretended I loved them. Why? Because I value their happiness more than material things. Food for thought.
Sorry, but you don't get to throw tantrums about GIFTS! They aren't something you deserve. At 16 she is old enough to understand that mom is struggling to take care of the family and can't afford certain things. She should have been thankful she got anything at all! The whole hype around Apple products is ridiculous anyway. Kids need to understand money doesn't grow on trees. The teen can get a job and buy her own iPad. And dad is an AH for ditching them without paying child support - that's not mom's fault at all.
The kid is obviously still processing the divorce/abandonment and Im sure the mother is too + burned out, so things were cranked up to an emotional 11. But returning the tablet… did she give her the cash and say “I’ll help you save up for the one you want”? This can be turned into a life lesson rather than a catfight.
ESH. I have a 16 year old and there is no excuse for that behavior, especially when daughter was told ahead of time that what she asked for wasn't possible. But getting the other kids exactly what they asked for that cost a lot of money and then doing something less for the oldest was messed up. Both made comments about the dad situation that are regrettable. Sounds like everyone could benefit from family therapy to deal with their anger over dad skipping out and learn how to cope and communicate.
"Less" is pretty relative here. OP said she had $500. $160 is pretty close to a third of that. She literally spent $10 more on each younger than the oldest.
Load More Replies... "You, the parent who did not abandon me and are working yourself to the bone to keep me and my siblings fed, did not acquiesce to my impossible demand of providing me a Christmas present you cannot afford. So I'm going to lash out and tell you I prefer the parent who did abandon me, blaming you for my father's behaviour, shaming you for not having the money I want you to have, even though I could get a job myself and save up. So you told me to do something as impossible as what I demanded of you and call him on a disconnected number, showing me how frustrating it is when someone demands you do something impossible." Parental abandonment is traumatic. Doesn't mean you are free to abuse the parent that actually loves you or ruin Christmas for your younger siblings. Daughter set herself up for the disappointment by demanding a gift she knew was outside budget.
You have offered a dispassionate and balanced assessment of the situation. You’re able to do this because you’re a fully grown adult, with no emotional stake in the situation. The 16-year-old who has been wholly abandoned by her father has none of these advantages.
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There are no arsëholes here, just two people in a very difficult situation. I agree that the daughter should have been told in as many words that what she asked for was impossible. And I'm not surprised that the mother snapped. I hope they have found a way through it by now
The c**p of saying she's only 16 and doesn't understand is bull c**p. She's a spoiled brat. Mom sounds like a hardworking woman and didn't deserve the rude comments and the daughter needs to apologize for the way she talked to her mom and realize that dad is the deadbeat bum. Jim Jones
She's an a*s for the dad comment. But not for anything else. That child is 16... she wants an $800 iPad. She can buy it herself. I started working at 13 dude. Bc i wanted things my parents couldn't afford. So I got a job. I never blamed my parents for being poor. Even though my mom was stealing child support to support her drug habit before my dad finally won custody of us. But like.... even when I was 13 I understood the value of money & was grateful for every single thing we had. Which wasn't much. She's a brat. The comment was unnecessary but nobody is thinking about the mom's feelings & how hard this s**t has been for her. Listening to a child put this dead beat on a pedestal when he abandoned them.... won't pay child support & changed his number? I would have snapped too. She's the one who stayed & she's the one who has stepped up into both roles. She dress little bit of leeway for her comment. If the kid was like 6. Any fine. But she's nearly an adult. & she's a brat.
Man that forum is overrun by teenagers and you can always spot them in the comments. Like the ones here.
Ungrateful bratty children should not be rewarded. I would have not been so quick to return the item and instead waited a few days, sat down with the child and brainstormed ideas that were within budget.
I swear some of you live in a box. Who raises the kid? Who raises bratty entitled children? Maybe people should look in the mirror first.
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She sounds like a bit of a brat but I can kinda understand. Also reminding her of her dad's abandonment and returning the iPad before you had a chance to properly talk about it is just cruel
NAH, Everyone's going through it and those two reacted terribly. Hope they work things out for the better.
I think the mom could have handled it better. My only gripe is with the comment that says that Samsung tablets are not good for drawing. They most definitely are. Ok my little rant is over.
Wow, sooo many relationship experts on here! A full time working mom, with an absent father, not just divorced but he's AWOL, and everyone is giving OP s**t? It's so easy, isn't it? Sitting behind your phone, criticizing. Why don't you all go out and start your own advice column? Yeah, you can't because you are heartless cruel, really mean freaks. The 16 yr old is going to be fine. Awww she doesn't get an 800 dollar device. No 16 yr old needs such an expensive toy. The fact that the mom reached out looking for support, from this group of hateful trolls, well hopefully she has close friends that actually give a damn. There is AH's here, the ones who called her one. Some supported and understood, those are the mature adults. They really shouldn't let children on this site.
What the people don't get in this situation is one problem the daughter has to deal with and that can't be sugarcoated without harming her, her siblings and the mother: the father, who has spoiled them rotten and she has put on a high pedestal because of that, has done so at the cost of her mother being the bad guy. He has soured the relationship between his kids and their mom long before he left them. In her head, daddy is still the good one, and mommy is the spoilsport who always nitpicked daddy. This can't get corrected with silk gloves. People call it 'rubbing it in' but what is the alternative? What else is she supposed to do? All she said is the reality her daughter doesn't want to see. I saw often what inevitably happens if parents try to protect their kids from reality by softening the blow in such situations. The kids grow resentment for the parent who stayed and really cares. Soft approach can't overcome years of spoiling. Being blunt feels mean. But nothing else works.
As of now, the daughter is coded to believe that getting exactly what she wants is the only thing to show that she is loved. Her father taught her, if anyone would truly love her, she'll get spoiled. That's the only love language she knows. She's unable to understand the reality unless it bites her in the behind. She has to see who her father is and learn that her current pain doesn't come from her mom, but from her dad choosing to leave. She has to learn that what her mom does might not look grande like lavish gifts, but it's the love and care her father never bothered to give. This will hurt her. Because it's a harsh truth. But to get through her coding and false impression of love language, which is like a stone wall between her and her mom, the mom can't try to just talk nicely. To get through such a thick wall and get the child to see the reality, she has to be forced to challenge her beliefs and that means letting her feel the pain.
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I'm sorry there is only one TA. That's her ex their dad. He is pretty scummy going no communication with his daughters. He has to pay child support, that's what happens when you as a parent leaves. Even if he pays for birthdays, Christmas, and for other things like school and school things, college and college things. These are his children too. He has a responsibility to their care too.
NTA. Kids need to learn about reality. $500 divided by three is rightly $160 per kid. How is this favoritism towards younger kids?
Nope NTA... Being a former single parent, your daughter has to realize too. We all know that she misses her dad. But she had no right to say that to you either if she paid attention. Or how hard you worked and she knows money. Scares who couldn't afford find eight hundred dollar ipad for a kid anyway. Sounds like she's got entitlement issues.
The people siding with the entitled 16 year old are unbelievable. She's 16, not 6, she should know the difference between a shared gift for two kids that costs less than $300, and a $1000+ overpriced status symbol for someone who should have had a part time job for at least two years. She knew exactly was doing by asking for that.....either she gets the thing she wants based around "oh....poor baby, daddy not here no more he's a shiny piece of c**p to ease the pain" or....she has an excuse to act out, and milk the shortcoming for years to come. Stop pretending like we don't all understand how the minds of teenagers work.
Feels cruel but was actually needed. The girl needed the wake up call, difficult feelings and all. Life isn't peachy anymore, time to grow up and learn that. Then get a job and buy it yourself.
Sorry but I disagree with everyone blaming the mom. I grew up without a father, in family of many siblings, little money. Our father was never coming back, because he was dead. Not one of us EVER pitched a fit over not getting something. And yes, we all went through the turbulent teens. This daughter is a spoiled out-of- control brat who needs some tough live and to grow up and face the new realities. Not pandered and treated like a fragile spoiled little princess, but taught to be independent, self- reliant, realistic, to suck it up and grow up. Can you imagine a 16 yo in Ukraine acting like this? A teen living in a car with 4 others? Wants an ipad? Then get a job. And why not show mom, who is being two parents and sole breadwinner, dome support and comfort? Makes me think everyone siding with this selfish spoiled brat grew up as one, too.
I'm writing this on my Samsung tablet, albeit their top model. But compared to an Apple this thing is bullet proof. A previous tablet I had was left on the roof of my car. I lost it and realised it half an hour later. Went to look for it and found it with the screen totally destroyed. Multiple cars must have driven over it. I docked it with another computer to see if I could lift the pictures and other info off it. It still functioned without the screen but everything was saved.
I really don't like this aspect of our society. Parent(s)/caregiver needs to let the family see what the family situation is...help with budgeting so that everyone gets something while being taken care of. Firstly giving such expensive gifts sets them up for future demands without teaching them the value of how the money comes and goes. Moreover the mother is working her behind off, what is she doing for herself? Is she even able to save for her retirement or emergency? Will these take care of her? Families constantly fail to teach reality, instead we set up our kids for failure. Yes the older one can work, but it should be for herself and the family, not only to cater to her needs/wants. This a good lesson. I feel for mom, because being a parent means nothing is good enough for your children...I had to understand that too. More than things, we need to give our children values for themselves and each other. Our society is fractured enough, we don't need to add to it
What baffles me from the latest BP Christmas presents posts, is the huuuuge budgets expected by everyone. I mean, a $800 gift is crazy money, especially for a single mom. Is this somewhat the norm in the US, creating impossible expectations to be met? I thought Christmas was more a family moment. Working full time and raising singlehandedly 3 kids is a major achievement. I can only feel sympathy for this mom, because her life must be very hard. And please don't start with the argumentation that she left the door open for the ipad. Kids at that age are totally unpredictable anytime, so there is never a good answer anyway.
Should have set a known budget for Xmas requests instead of being vague and accepting requests for items 5x over budget. She told the daughter it would be 'hard' instead of telling the daughter to request something else within budget. This family dynamic is awful at communication. The "you should be grateful I got you something you didn't want" line of reasoning has never made sense to me. If it's the thought that counts, getting something unwanted isn't very thoughtful. If it's the sacrifice that counts, cash is all that's needed. But if you're sacrificing on an unwanted gift, you're wasting and expecting gratitude in return. Obviously the kid shouldn't yell in response, but saying that makes her a spoiled brat is pretty cold. I wonder why the dad left. Blocking the kids from calling at those ages is pretty abnormal even in a divorce.
You're right about setting the known budget. Let the kids research what's within that budget and make their requests accordingly. That being said, I doubt the mother realized the significant differences between the brands. Not all people do, especially if they're not into tech. My mum finds it incomprehensible what I spend on a laptop because she spends 1/4 of what I do. But I want certain functions on mine that cost more. The mum probably thought... "ok, can't afford THAT particular tablet, so here's one that looks like it does the same things, and I can afford it" and not realized that it would be a big deal.
Load More Replies... The kid is obviously still processing the divorce and the mom is probably burned out, so things went to an emotional 11. But returning the tablet… did she give the girl the cash and say “I’ll help you save up for the tablet you want”? This can be turned into a life lesson rather than a catfight.
My parents got me an iPad and pencil as a graduation gift and it totalled around (if not more than) $1000. I do agree with some commenters saying that the daughter probably wanted it to draw (which a samsung tablet cannot do, we are an android family but I wanted an iPad specifically for this purpose). But she should have explained that to her mom, and maybe they could have come to a better conclusion like money to *put towards* an iPad and helping the daughter find a job so she can afford the rest. And still making sure it equals the price of the switch that the twins got..
The 16yr behaved like a brat, was incredibly unthankful for the effort her mother went to to try and get her what she wanted. Mum was wrong to say what she did but it is understandable in the situation. Father is inexcusable for bailing out of his responsibilities for child support. But tge op returning the gift was fully justifiable in thus situation- I would have done exactly the same thing. When things are making you angry or sad you don't take it out on others
And it wasn’t the “wrong gift”; it was the gift mom could afford.
Cheese and crackers!, folks in this post that call a 16 yo CHILD an ah for not recognizing moms hardships simply because their own parents would’ve said worse, etc are worse to project their own lives into how others should behave. For starters, it’s OBVIOUS by how OP explains herself that OP has never sat down w/kids to explain in detail the hardships they are all under because of AP. Also obvious OP never taught anything finance to the 16 yo. Stuff not taught in school, parental responsibility. Further, missed every opportunity to explain the budget and give EVERYONE a $ budget so they could request something in the budget, and don’t mean grand total budget. I mean per child. After all, $500/3 is not equal. Someone was bound to be disappointed. And finally, 16 is not adult. Had 16yo written this, everyone would call mom ah.
I should add, I was part of a broken hh until my mom’s new husband adopted us after they married 42 years ago. He’s been our dad from before they married. I also experienced divorce with 2 children and had to fight for every penny of child support until my kids aged out. My only saving grace was he was military and couldn’t hide from me for long after each move. I was pregnant with our youngest when he split. And every bday, Christmas he’d make huge promises then not follow through. I was taking my measly 23k salary to pay all bills and then have to make up for ex when he’d invariably fail them. I just sat my kids down, said this is what I can do, are you willing to share high ticket items or would you prefer something else? Being a decent human being isn’t that difficult. It’s just painful to all
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so i bought my son a switch this christmas, and it was 300 dollars, and games ran from 40-60 bucks. mom had the money to get that for the younger kid, but cheaped out on the older. that isnt fair at all. mom sounds like a d******d.
To be fair from how I read it it was 2 kids twins who both wanted the switch. So she did split the money fairly evenly for 3 kids.
Load More Replies... Sorry but I disagree with everyone blaming the mom. I grew up without a father, in family of many siblings, little money. Our father was never coming back, because he was dead. Not one of us EVER pitched a fit over not getting something. And yes, we all went through the turbulent teens. This daughter is a spoiled out-of- control brat who needs some tough live and to grow up and face the new realities. Not pandered and treated like a fragile spoiled little princess, but taught to be independent, self- reliant, realistic, to suck it up and grow up. Can you imagine a 16 yo in Ukraine acting like this? A teen living in a car with 4 others? Wants an ipad? Then get a job. And why not show mom, who is being two parents and sole breadwinner, dome support and comfort? Makes me think everyone siding with this selfish spoiled brat grew up as one, too. Andxas far as dad? Who says the girl misses him? She may be glad he's gone. He's clearly a jerk who doesn't give a c**p
EAH. If the mom can't afford an iPad pro, then she shouldn't be able to afford a Switch and two games. That being said, no 16 year old needs an Ipad pro. Just because it's more expensive doesn't mean it's better. My Ipad Air is great for drawing and I didn't see the point of getting a pro.
I got a Switch for my sister's kid for $200 on a sale. I've also gotten games for $30 apiece on sale. Standing in those lines was no fun, but I managed it. If you watch for sales, sometimes you luck out. An iPad Pro retails for what, $800-$1000? I think the mum was hoping to find a used one or a miracle sale of some sort. Not wise, but I think that was her hope.
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YTA. The daughter had a specific gift in mind, which meant she had researched what she wanted and what she needed it for. The correct thing to do would have been to tell the daughter an iPad Pro was out of the budget and then ask her to find something similar *within* budget. Maybe there was an older iPad that would work too, a secondhand one that would be cheaper. Instead, Mom prioritised the twins, got them the console and games that they wanted and fobbed her eldest off with an 'I tried'.
Mum said $500. If she said $160 on the tablet, that means she spent exactly ten bucks more on each younger child.
Load More Replies... No one is TA. This isn't only about the item, its about patterns of behaviour that it fits. Outsiders can't know what that is, is it disappointment generally? Is it feeling the younger ones get what they want but not the older sibling? Is it Mom not really listening? Whatever it is, this fit a pattern she was was already struggling with and the reactions didn't break the pattern. Find out what it is, then address. It may not be something that can be "fixed" but it can be addressed. It's never about the thing that becomes the spark, it's what it represents. Break it down, both sides can work on it. Don't just default to yelling/disappointment/nuclear option.
The people calling the mom the AH, obviously don't have kids and are soft spoiled, and selfish people themselves. The teenager is a brat and got what she deserved. A good scolding and nothing for Xmas
I think the way mum handled the situation by reminding her daughter of the father completely abandoning her and then returning the iPad before they'd talked about it was a horrible thing to do. Also telling her to call her father when she knew the phone was disconnected is really mean but I agree the daughter was a brat. She already know the financial situation and should've been happy with what she has.
Load More Replies... First Christmas dealing with dad's abandonment. That's a lot of emotion. The tablet was a catalyst, not the cause of the explosion. No one handled it well. I hope they can find a way to communicate and work through the pain together or they won't have a relationship at all.
Baldly, the OP knew that the $800 gift was not in her budget. The time to make that clear was before Christmas Day’s unwrapping, not waiting until December 25. Communicate clearly with your kids, don’t just hope that you’ve “come to an understanding” which is a meaningless phrase beyond “I avoided a difficult conversation and hoped the situation would resolve itself”.
Mom should have managed expectations before Christmas day. Obviously, both mother and teen are struggling through a tough situation. I'm more concerned that, apparently, still too many men think it's perfectly acceptable to abandon the children they help bring into the world.
She did " I do the best I can for my daughters butunfortunately, I have a limited budget andI told them this. I told my daughter that itwould be extremely difficult to get an ipadpro but I will do the best I can. At thatpoint it seemed like we came to anunderstanding. "
Load More Replies... Both are a******s here, but both are reacting to their circumstances. Mum is stressed, exhausted and struggling financially, but she over reacted and returning the tablet was probrably the wrong move. Daughter is abandoned and disapponinted, and lashing out because she's a hormonal teenager. Mum needs to sit down with her daughter and talk to her, from the "I love you, and I'm sorry I couldn't get you what you wanted" to the "I'm so sorry, your Dad disappearing on you sucks, it hurts, it's not fair." to "I'm here, I'm always going to be here, even when I make mistakes, and hurt your feelings." Then explain the finances, and why the more expensive Ipad wasn't able to fit into the budget, and the cheaper requests of the other kids were. Explain that you aren't receiving support money from ex." Then go into "I'm sorry I returned your tablet without asking if that was what you wanted to do. That was unfair. I've kept the £180/£200 I budgeted for you, what would you like to get with it?"
That would have been the adult thing to do, it's not too late! I think they all need counseling if they can get it.
Load More Replies... OP is an a*s for how they handled it. she never should have made them think they would get an ipad. she should have been honest and explained the entire situation and not pretended that it might be okay. that 16yr old needs to know that she has one parent she can trust and now she probably feels like she has no one. Had she been aware of the facts ahead of time, then her expectations would have been realistic.
I feel for both, but when the teen went ballistic, it probably triggered a similar (and understandable) response from mom. The mom could easily have had a private convo with her daughter BEFORE Christmas to explain gently about her budget and to ask the girl for a more affordable request. Even if she spent nothing on the younger girls, she would have been way over budget to get this girl-woman what she asked for. Even a traumatized flaky teen can understand this.
I see 2 women ( one still a child) who's lives have been torn apart. Mom needs to sit down with the daughter have an adult conversation. Calm, no blaming each other. And realize that there is going to be struggle and they only have each other. The young woman, will now learn to NEVER rely on a man for financial stability. Both reacted in anger and hurt - the abandonment by a parent/ spouse is totally devastating.
Now let’s see if people on this website can grasp the difference between boundaries (telling the kid she can’t afford the iPad) and high school behaviour (throwing the fact that her dad walked out on her in her face). With how much people on this website hate kids, I’m not optimistic.
The teenager threw the fact that the father left them in her mother's face. She demanded her mother do something impossible, threw a tantrum in front of her younger siblings when her mother couldn't do it, and then insisted that the parent who had abandoned her is better than the one who stayed and is working herself to the bone to provide. Of course the exhausted, devastated mother is going to snap. Sixteen is old enough to understand basic math.
Load More Replies... This mom lost her cool. She has been doing the best she could to support her children by herself and just lost it. She should go back to the daughter and say "I am sorry I spoke to you so harshly. I know you are disappointed in the Christmas gift. I am disappointed I couldn't give you want you most wanted. I was exhausted and reacted badly. I will do my best to not do that again. I need you, as the oldest, to understand, we are on our own. Your father does not help us at all. This is not my choice but is our reality. I am going to give you the money from the gift and together, lets figure out a way we can earn the remaining to get you that iPad. For my part, I will try to pick up another shift here or there, but I'll need you to help take care of your siblings when that happens. Together, we will get though this."
Tough situation here.. I feel bad for single parents.. the only AH's I see are the ones who call her the AH and constantly have to chime in with BS like "well I had THIS done and I suffered with THAT too but I was just fine" like every situation is exactly like theirs.. hope this is just a minor blip and mother and daughter can move on..
Both messed up here, though perhaps I'm more sympathetic towards the mom. She's doing a superhero's job all by herself - the dad is the only AH here. Getting the tablet was probably a trigger for her daughter who has a lot of pent-up sadness and she lashed out at the closest adult, and mom reacted like a human being. That being said, as a teen I've gotten some gifts I didn't like from my parents but always pretended I loved them. Why? Because I value their happiness more than material things. Food for thought.
Sorry, but you don't get to throw tantrums about GIFTS! They aren't something you deserve. At 16 she is old enough to understand that mom is struggling to take care of the family and can't afford certain things. She should have been thankful she got anything at all! The whole hype around Apple products is ridiculous anyway. Kids need to understand money doesn't grow on trees. The teen can get a job and buy her own iPad. And dad is an AH for ditching them without paying child support - that's not mom's fault at all.
The kid is obviously still processing the divorce/abandonment and Im sure the mother is too + burned out, so things were cranked up to an emotional 11. But returning the tablet… did she give her the cash and say “I’ll help you save up for the one you want”? This can be turned into a life lesson rather than a catfight.
ESH. I have a 16 year old and there is no excuse for that behavior, especially when daughter was told ahead of time that what she asked for wasn't possible. But getting the other kids exactly what they asked for that cost a lot of money and then doing something less for the oldest was messed up. Both made comments about the dad situation that are regrettable. Sounds like everyone could benefit from family therapy to deal with their anger over dad skipping out and learn how to cope and communicate.
"Less" is pretty relative here. OP said she had $500. $160 is pretty close to a third of that. She literally spent $10 more on each younger than the oldest.
Load More Replies... "You, the parent who did not abandon me and are working yourself to the bone to keep me and my siblings fed, did not acquiesce to my impossible demand of providing me a Christmas present you cannot afford. So I'm going to lash out and tell you I prefer the parent who did abandon me, blaming you for my father's behaviour, shaming you for not having the money I want you to have, even though I could get a job myself and save up. So you told me to do something as impossible as what I demanded of you and call him on a disconnected number, showing me how frustrating it is when someone demands you do something impossible." Parental abandonment is traumatic. Doesn't mean you are free to abuse the parent that actually loves you or ruin Christmas for your younger siblings. Daughter set herself up for the disappointment by demanding a gift she knew was outside budget.
You have offered a dispassionate and balanced assessment of the situation. You’re able to do this because you’re a fully grown adult, with no emotional stake in the situation. The 16-year-old who has been wholly abandoned by her father has none of these advantages.
Load More Replies... There are no arsëholes here, just two people in a very difficult situation. I agree that the daughter should have been told in as many words that what she asked for was impossible. And I'm not surprised that the mother snapped. I hope they have found a way through it by now
The c**p of saying she's only 16 and doesn't understand is bull c**p. She's a spoiled brat. Mom sounds like a hardworking woman and didn't deserve the rude comments and the daughter needs to apologize for the way she talked to her mom and realize that dad is the deadbeat bum. Jim Jones
She's an a*s for the dad comment. But not for anything else. That child is 16... she wants an $800 iPad. She can buy it herself. I started working at 13 dude. Bc i wanted things my parents couldn't afford. So I got a job. I never blamed my parents for being poor. Even though my mom was stealing child support to support her drug habit before my dad finally won custody of us. But like.... even when I was 13 I understood the value of money & was grateful for every single thing we had. Which wasn't much. She's a brat. The comment was unnecessary but nobody is thinking about the mom's feelings & how hard this s**t has been for her. Listening to a child put this dead beat on a pedestal when he abandoned them.... won't pay child support & changed his number? I would have snapped too. She's the one who stayed & she's the one who has stepped up into both roles. She dress little bit of leeway for her comment. If the kid was like 6. Any fine. But she's nearly an adult. & she's a brat.
Man that forum is overrun by teenagers and you can always spot them in the comments. Like the ones here.
Ungrateful bratty children should not be rewarded. I would have not been so quick to return the item and instead waited a few days, sat down with the child and brainstormed ideas that were within budget.
I swear some of you live in a box. Who raises the kid? Who raises bratty entitled children? Maybe people should look in the mirror first.
Load More Replies... She sounds like a bit of a brat but I can kinda understand. Also reminding her of her dad's abandonment and returning the iPad before you had a chance to properly talk about it is just cruel
NAH, Everyone's going through it and those two reacted terribly. Hope they work things out for the better.
I think the mom could have handled it better. My only gripe is with the comment that says that Samsung tablets are not good for drawing. They most definitely are. Ok my little rant is over.
Wow, sooo many relationship experts on here! A full time working mom, with an absent father, not just divorced but he's AWOL, and everyone is giving OP s**t? It's so easy, isn't it? Sitting behind your phone, criticizing. Why don't you all go out and start your own advice column? Yeah, you can't because you are heartless cruel, really mean freaks. The 16 yr old is going to be fine. Awww she doesn't get an 800 dollar device. No 16 yr old needs such an expensive toy. The fact that the mom reached out looking for support, from this group of hateful trolls, well hopefully she has close friends that actually give a damn. There is AH's here, the ones who called her one. Some supported and understood, those are the mature adults. They really shouldn't let children on this site.
What the people don't get in this situation is one problem the daughter has to deal with and that can't be sugarcoated without harming her, her siblings and the mother: the father, who has spoiled them rotten and she has put on a high pedestal because of that, has done so at the cost of her mother being the bad guy. He has soured the relationship between his kids and their mom long before he left them. In her head, daddy is still the good one, and mommy is the spoilsport who always nitpicked daddy. This can't get corrected with silk gloves. People call it 'rubbing it in' but what is the alternative? What else is she supposed to do? All she said is the reality her daughter doesn't want to see. I saw often what inevitably happens if parents try to protect their kids from reality by softening the blow in such situations. The kids grow resentment for the parent who stayed and really cares. Soft approach can't overcome years of spoiling. Being blunt feels mean. But nothing else works.
As of now, the daughter is coded to believe that getting exactly what she wants is the only thing to show that she is loved. Her father taught her, if anyone would truly love her, she'll get spoiled. That's the only love language she knows. She's unable to understand the reality unless it bites her in the behind. She has to see who her father is and learn that her current pain doesn't come from her mom, but from her dad choosing to leave. She has to learn that what her mom does might not look grande like lavish gifts, but it's the love and care her father never bothered to give. This will hurt her. Because it's a harsh truth. But to get through her coding and false impression of love language, which is like a stone wall between her and her mom, the mom can't try to just talk nicely. To get through such a thick wall and get the child to see the reality, she has to be forced to challenge her beliefs and that means letting her feel the pain.
Load More Replies... I'm sorry there is only one TA. That's her ex their dad. He is pretty scummy going no communication with his daughters. He has to pay child support, that's what happens when you as a parent leaves. Even if he pays for birthdays, Christmas, and for other things like school and school things, college and college things. These are his children too. He has a responsibility to their care too.
NTA. Kids need to learn about reality. $500 divided by three is rightly $160 per kid. How is this favoritism towards younger kids?
Nope NTA... Being a former single parent, your daughter has to realize too. We all know that she misses her dad. But she had no right to say that to you either if she paid attention. Or how hard you worked and she knows money. Scares who couldn't afford find eight hundred dollar ipad for a kid anyway. Sounds like she's got entitlement issues.
The people siding with the entitled 16 year old are unbelievable. She's 16, not 6, she should know the difference between a shared gift for two kids that costs less than $300, and a $1000+ overpriced status symbol for someone who should have had a part time job for at least two years. She knew exactly was doing by asking for that.....either she gets the thing she wants based around "oh....poor baby, daddy not here no more he's a shiny piece of c**p to ease the pain" or....she has an excuse to act out, and milk the shortcoming for years to come. Stop pretending like we don't all understand how the minds of teenagers work.
Feels cruel but was actually needed. The girl needed the wake up call, difficult feelings and all. Life isn't peachy anymore, time to grow up and learn that. Then get a job and buy it yourself.
Sorry but I disagree with everyone blaming the mom. I grew up without a father, in family of many siblings, little money. Our father was never coming back, because he was dead. Not one of us EVER pitched a fit over not getting something. And yes, we all went through the turbulent teens. This daughter is a spoiled out-of- control brat who needs some tough live and to grow up and face the new realities. Not pandered and treated like a fragile spoiled little princess, but taught to be independent, self- reliant, realistic, to suck it up and grow up. Can you imagine a 16 yo in Ukraine acting like this? A teen living in a car with 4 others? Wants an ipad? Then get a job. And why not show mom, who is being two parents and sole breadwinner, dome support and comfort? Makes me think everyone siding with this selfish spoiled brat grew up as one, too.
I'm writing this on my Samsung tablet, albeit their top model. But compared to an Apple this thing is bullet proof. A previous tablet I had was left on the roof of my car. I lost it and realised it half an hour later. Went to look for it and found it with the screen totally destroyed. Multiple cars must have driven over it. I docked it with another computer to see if I could lift the pictures and other info off it. It still functioned without the screen but everything was saved.
I really don't like this aspect of our society. Parent(s)/caregiver needs to let the family see what the family situation is...help with budgeting so that everyone gets something while being taken care of. Firstly giving such expensive gifts sets them up for future demands without teaching them the value of how the money comes and goes. Moreover the mother is working her behind off, what is she doing for herself? Is she even able to save for her retirement or emergency? Will these take care of her? Families constantly fail to teach reality, instead we set up our kids for failure. Yes the older one can work, but it should be for herself and the family, not only to cater to her needs/wants. This a good lesson. I feel for mom, because being a parent means nothing is good enough for your children...I had to understand that too. More than things, we need to give our children values for themselves and each other. Our society is fractured enough, we don't need to add to it
What baffles me from the latest BP Christmas presents posts, is the huuuuge budgets expected by everyone. I mean, a $800 gift is crazy money, especially for a single mom. Is this somewhat the norm in the US, creating impossible expectations to be met? I thought Christmas was more a family moment. Working full time and raising singlehandedly 3 kids is a major achievement. I can only feel sympathy for this mom, because her life must be very hard. And please don't start with the argumentation that she left the door open for the ipad. Kids at that age are totally unpredictable anytime, so there is never a good answer anyway.
Should have set a known budget for Xmas requests instead of being vague and accepting requests for items 5x over budget. She told the daughter it would be 'hard' instead of telling the daughter to request something else within budget. This family dynamic is awful at communication. The "you should be grateful I got you something you didn't want" line of reasoning has never made sense to me. If it's the thought that counts, getting something unwanted isn't very thoughtful. If it's the sacrifice that counts, cash is all that's needed. But if you're sacrificing on an unwanted gift, you're wasting and expecting gratitude in return. Obviously the kid shouldn't yell in response, but saying that makes her a spoiled brat is pretty cold. I wonder why the dad left. Blocking the kids from calling at those ages is pretty abnormal even in a divorce.
You're right about setting the known budget. Let the kids research what's within that budget and make their requests accordingly. That being said, I doubt the mother realized the significant differences between the brands. Not all people do, especially if they're not into tech. My mum finds it incomprehensible what I spend on a laptop because she spends 1/4 of what I do. But I want certain functions on mine that cost more. The mum probably thought... "ok, can't afford THAT particular tablet, so here's one that looks like it does the same things, and I can afford it" and not realized that it would be a big deal.
Load More Replies... The kid is obviously still processing the divorce and the mom is probably burned out, so things went to an emotional 11. But returning the tablet… did she give the girl the cash and say “I’ll help you save up for the tablet you want”? This can be turned into a life lesson rather than a catfight.
My parents got me an iPad and pencil as a graduation gift and it totalled around (if not more than) $1000. I do agree with some commenters saying that the daughter probably wanted it to draw (which a samsung tablet cannot do, we are an android family but I wanted an iPad specifically for this purpose). But she should have explained that to her mom, and maybe they could have come to a better conclusion like money to *put towards* an iPad and helping the daughter find a job so she can afford the rest. And still making sure it equals the price of the switch that the twins got..
The 16yr behaved like a brat, was incredibly unthankful for the effort her mother went to to try and get her what she wanted. Mum was wrong to say what she did but it is understandable in the situation. Father is inexcusable for bailing out of his responsibilities for child support. But tge op returning the gift was fully justifiable in thus situation- I would have done exactly the same thing. When things are making you angry or sad you don't take it out on others
And it wasn’t the “wrong gift”; it was the gift mom could afford.
Cheese and crackers!, folks in this post that call a 16 yo CHILD an ah for not recognizing moms hardships simply because their own parents would’ve said worse, etc are worse to project their own lives into how others should behave. For starters, it’s OBVIOUS by how OP explains herself that OP has never sat down w/kids to explain in detail the hardships they are all under because of AP. Also obvious OP never taught anything finance to the 16 yo. Stuff not taught in school, parental responsibility. Further, missed every opportunity to explain the budget and give EVERYONE a $ budget so they could request something in the budget, and don’t mean grand total budget. I mean per child. After all, $500/3 is not equal. Someone was bound to be disappointed. And finally, 16 is not adult. Had 16yo written this, everyone would call mom ah.
I should add, I was part of a broken hh until my mom’s new husband adopted us after they married 42 years ago. He’s been our dad from before they married. I also experienced divorce with 2 children and had to fight for every penny of child support until my kids aged out. My only saving grace was he was military and couldn’t hide from me for long after each move. I was pregnant with our youngest when he split. And every bday, Christmas he’d make huge promises then not follow through. I was taking my measly 23k salary to pay all bills and then have to make up for ex when he’d invariably fail them. I just sat my kids down, said this is what I can do, are you willing to share high ticket items or would you prefer something else? Being a decent human being isn’t that difficult. It’s just painful to all
Load More Replies... so i bought my son a switch this christmas, and it was 300 dollars, and games ran from 40-60 bucks. mom had the money to get that for the younger kid, but cheaped out on the older. that isnt fair at all. mom sounds like a d******d.
To be fair from how I read it it was 2 kids twins who both wanted the switch. So she did split the money fairly evenly for 3 kids.
Load More Replies... Sorry but I disagree with everyone blaming the mom. I grew up without a father, in family of many siblings, little money. Our father was never coming back, because he was dead. Not one of us EVER pitched a fit over not getting something. And yes, we all went through the turbulent teens. This daughter is a spoiled out-of- control brat who needs some tough live and to grow up and face the new realities. Not pandered and treated like a fragile spoiled little princess, but taught to be independent, self- reliant, realistic, to suck it up and grow up. Can you imagine a 16 yo in Ukraine acting like this? A teen living in a car with 4 others? Wants an ipad? Then get a job. And why not show mom, who is being two parents and sole breadwinner, dome support and comfort? Makes me think everyone siding with this selfish spoiled brat grew up as one, too. Andxas far as dad? Who says the girl misses him? She may be glad he's gone. He's clearly a jerk who doesn't give a c**p
EAH. If the mom can't afford an iPad pro, then she shouldn't be able to afford a Switch and two games. That being said, no 16 year old needs an Ipad pro. Just because it's more expensive doesn't mean it's better. My Ipad Air is great for drawing and I didn't see the point of getting a pro.
I got a Switch for my sister's kid for $200 on a sale. I've also gotten games for $30 apiece on sale. Standing in those lines was no fun, but I managed it. If you watch for sales, sometimes you luck out. An iPad Pro retails for what, $800-$1000? I think the mum was hoping to find a used one or a miracle sale of some sort. Not wise, but I think that was her hope.
Load More Replies... YTA. The daughter had a specific gift in mind, which meant she had researched what she wanted and what she needed it for. The correct thing to do would have been to tell the daughter an iPad Pro was out of the budget and then ask her to find something similar *within* budget. Maybe there was an older iPad that would work too, a secondhand one that would be cheaper. Instead, Mom prioritised the twins, got them the console and games that they wanted and fobbed her eldest off with an 'I tried'.
Mum said $500. If she said $160 on the tablet, that means she spent exactly ten bucks more on each younger child.
Load More Replies... No one is TA. This isn't only about the item, its about patterns of behaviour that it fits. Outsiders can't know what that is, is it disappointment generally? Is it feeling the younger ones get what they want but not the older sibling? Is it Mom not really listening? Whatever it is, this fit a pattern she was was already struggling with and the reactions didn't break the pattern. Find out what it is, then address. It may not be something that can be "fixed" but it can be addressed. It's never about the thing that becomes the spark, it's what it represents. Break it down, both sides can work on it. Don't just default to yelling/disappointment/nuclear option.
The people calling the mom the AH, obviously don't have kids and are soft spoiled, and selfish people themselves. The teenager is a brat and got what she deserved. A good scolding and nothing for Xmas
I think the way mum handled the situation by reminding her daughter of the father completely abandoning her and then returning the iPad before they'd talked about it was a horrible thing to do. Also telling her to call her father when she knew the phone was disconnected is really mean but I agree the daughter was a brat. She already know the financial situation and should've been happy with what she has.
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