“Doesn’t It Make More Sense For You To Stay Home?”: Mom Of 4 Shuts Down All Criticism Of Her Family Paying $5K A Month On Childcare
Figuring out how to juggle a full-time job, childcare responsibilities and being a great parent isn’t easy. Every family is unique, and they must decide what works best for them.
But as one mother of four has learned over the years, sometimes people just can’t help but insert their own opinions on others’ parenting choices. Below, you’ll find a TikTok that Sheisapaigeturner recently shared, detailing why she and her husband choose to continue working and pay for childcare, as well as a conversation with The Mom at Law, Candace Alnaji.
This working mother of four is tired of being asked why she doesn’t stay home with her children
Image credits: Sergey Makashin (not the actual photo)
So she shared a video detailing why she chooses to work and pay thousands of dollars a month for childcare
“My husband and I pay $5,000 a month for childcare for our four kids. And the question after that, once somebody finds that out, is always, ‘Well, why do you work?’ And the question is almost always directed at me. And the question is, ‘Do you make enough to warrant that? How do you have any money left over? Doesn’t it make more sense for you to stay home?’”
Image credits: sheisapaigeturner
“In our scenario, where my husband and I are similar earners, our on-the-year earnings are very similar. It does not make sense for one of us to stay at home right now. We are spending an astronomical amount of money on childcare, and I understand that some people can’t fathom it and some people don’t even make this in a year, right. And no, it’s crazy that we’re paying that much money, which I totally understand and I understand the privilege that comes with that.”
Image credits: sheisapaigeturner
“At the same time, the question as to why I work, one – always directed at me is somewhat insulting, but two – negates the next steps in my life. I am not a mother of young kids forever. I’m a mother of young kids for five to 10 years, depending on how widespread your children are. And so for me, in four years from now, my youngest child will be in full-time school. I will still have the cost of school, afterschool programs, kids activities, enrichment, camp, all of that. But I will not have the cost of childcare. There’s an end date to that and I can struggle and kind of grit my way there because we are still kind of, like, really piecing it together on our budget to make that childcare budget work for us. But there is an end date and I know that where I wanna go in my career and the compensation that I’m able to have, it’s there. It’s at my fingertips, right. And me stepping away from work for five to 10 years would throw me back from where I want to go and the life I want to live after my children are out of daycare.”
Image credits: sheisapaigeturner
“So right now, we’re really not taking a lot of family vacations. We’re not traveling far and wide with our children. We’re doing what we can. We’re doing local vacations, right. We also have four kids so flying with four kids is… I don’t even wanna think about it. So there’s that. And four years from now when my youngest is five and my oldest is nine or 10, that’s a different world for us. We have a different life ahead of us. And I’m not just planning for the next four years. I’m planning for the next 20, 30 years of my life and my kids’ life. And I know what’s important to me. And I also know as a woman, the question should not be directed at me as to why I work. The question should be, ‘Does it make sense with your combined incomes that one of you stay home?’ That should be the question – which one of you would stay home, not, ‘Why do you work, Paige?’ So there’s that.”
Image credits: sheisapaigeturner
“But also, I don’t know that anybody has the right to ask me why we’re paying an astronomical amount. The question is, why is daycare so expensive and so inaccessible? The follow-up question to that is, well, there must be value at the end of that, otherwise you likely wouldn’t be doing it. And it’s not just sending them there for fun. So it’s all about context.”
Image credits: sheisapaigeturner
You can hear Paige’s full explanation right here
@sheisapaigeturner The value in my career outweighs the cost of childcare for the next 4 years. My life is long and I am not just planning for today but planning for my and mt familieis future in mind. #costofchildcare #childcarecrisis #daycarechronicles101 #daycarekids #millennialmom #workingmoms #wfhmom #daycaremom ♬ original sound – sheisapaigeturner
“What works for one family might not work for yours and vice versa, so it’s important to extend grace to yourself and to others”
To gain more insight on what it’s like to be a working mother, we reached out to Candace Alnaji to hear her thoughts on the topic. Candace is an attorney, writer, founder of The Mom at Law and mother of three, and she was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda about how she balances her career with taking care of her little ones. First, we wanted to know if Candace ever considered giving up her career when she had children. “I always knew that I wanted to continue working. What I didn’t anticipate, however, was how much I would want to be a part of my kids’ daily lives and how much creativity and autonomy that would inspire in my career,” she shared.
“I transitioned from full-time office mom to work-from-home mom when my oldest child was a baby. He’s eight now, and I also have five-year-old twins,” Candace explained. “I’ve had many phases in my career since having kids, and being a mom has been the greatest motivator in discovering who I am and how I work best.” The Mom at Law also opened up about some of the challenges she has faced being a working mother. “Choosing what to prioritize and when can be challenging. There’s the urge to be forward-thinking while remaining focused on the present,” she noted. “It can feel like you are making decisions for multiple versions of yourself at once, while also making decisions for your children (and their future selves). It’s a mind-bender!”
We also asked Candace about any of the misconceptions or stigmas that affect working mothers. “I started my career as an employment lawyer representing mothers in the workplace who suffered discrimination based on pregnancy,” she told Bored Panda. “Mothers are frequently discriminated against at work because of the misconception that they will somehow be less reliable or less motivated after having children, when in fact almost nothing lights a fire under you like motherhood. Moms deserve better in our society.” And if any mothers out there need to hear some advice from another mom who’s been through it all, Candace says, “It’s normal to need help and it’s important to take stock of what is working and what’s not in your daily life. Successful work-life integration comes from being on the same page with your partner, workplace, and everyone else in your work/family universe.”
“Understand that your work and life goals and desires can change, and that it’s okay to shift along with them without guilt,” Candace continued. “The choices you make for your career and family are very personal. What works for one family might not work for yours and vice versa, so it’s important to extend grace to yourself and to others who may make different choices.” If you’d like to learn more about Candace or hear more wise words from her, be sure to checkout her website The Mom at Law right here!
Image credits: Kelli McClintock (not the actual photo)
Unfortunately, the exorbitant daycare costs in the United States often makes the decision for them
When Paige mentioned that she spends $5,000 per month on childcare, it’s possible that your jaw dropped, but unfortunately, one reason why some parents in the US choose to stay home with their kids is because they simply can’t afford the exorbitant prices of daycare. In the United States, the median annual price of childcare for infants is about $17,171 in cities. The price decreases slightly as children get older, but even for preschool-aged kids living in cities, their parents can easily spend over $12,000 a year on daycare. When you have 4 children like Paige, there’s no question that parents can spend $5,000 per month to ensure that their kids are safe and sound.
According to Wisevoter, the average household income in the United States is $71,538, meaning that there’s usually not thousands of dollars lying around to go straight to childcare. It’s possible that nearly all of Paige’s or her husband’s income is going directly to daycare costs, and it’s unfortunate that some parents are forced to leave their jobs due to being unable to pay these exorbitant fees. But it doesn’t have to be this way. If you compare the US to Sweden, for example, American parents tend to spend about 32% of their average wages on childcare costs, while Swedish parents spend only 5% of their total wages on ensuring their kids are looked after.
Image credits: Kostiantyn Li (not the actual photo)
Moms also tend to face harsher scrutiny than fathers when choosing to keep their jobs
As Paige also mentioned, it can be damaging to a mom or dad’s career if they decide to take a few years off to spend time with their little ones. While the average American mom takes off about 2 years after having children, that time can severely impact her work life when she returns. Over a third of working moms report struggling to be hired following a break in their careers, and 61% say that it was challenging to reenter the workforce. Over half of these working moms also say they worry about being judged for asking for more flexible hours to accommodate their families. Many even hide the fact that they’re parents at work to prevent roadblocks being placed in front of their careers. Of course, fathers are susceptible to similar struggles as well, but as Paige pointed out in her video, moms tend to face much harsher scrutiny when not staying at home with their kids.
At the end of the day, it’s every parent’s choice whether or not they want to return to the workforce while their children are young, and they should never feel judged for whatever decision they choose to make. Instead of questioning why this mother spends so much on childcare, perhaps we need to be asking why it is so inaccessible in the first place? We would love to hear your thoughts on this video in the comments below, pandas. Have you ever had to make the choice between going back to work or staying with your young children? Feel free to share, and then if you’re interested in checking out another article discussing the challenges that working moms often face, look no further than right here.
Image credits: Xavier Mouton Photographie (not the actual photo)
Some viewers supported Paige’s choice to continue working, noting how important our careers can be
On the other hand, some moms disagreed, sharing that they couldn’t bear being away from their little ones all day
This is a situation that each couple, each woman must make for themselves. For us, we went through 16 years of infertility, testing, miscarriages and attempting adoption. At the end, I ended up getting spontaneously pregnant with no assistance from doctors, and had a healthy baby. I decided I didn't want to miss a single moment, so both of us decided that I would be a SAHM. Now, my son is 18 and I want to go back to the work force, but I've been out of it for 18 years and I'm 54 years old. Finding work will be difficult, and those jobs I'll be able to get will likely be unpleasant minimum wage jobs. But that was the choice I made. On the whole, women make an incredible amount of sacrifices when they become parents, and are usually judged for all of them.
Even as a man, your last point stood out to me. If a mum stays at home, she is criticised for being anti-feminist. But if she goes to work, she is accused of being a neglectful parent. It's a catch 22 situation.
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Childcare is broken in the US. The median wage for Childcare Workers per US Dept of Labor (bls.gov) is $28,500 per year/$13.71 per hour. In my state with the ages she listed(under 5, under 2 years old), two people would be required to be present for daycare. Per rent.com, as of Apr 20, the median US rent is $23,244 per year/$1937 per month. That $60K gets her two people who can't afford to pay their rent after taxes at the going wage for their profession. My question is why as a society can't the US cover the cost of caring and educating one year old like we cover the cost to pay a teacher to do a similar duty with a year old? Per Dept of Labor, median salary of a kindergarten or 1st grade teacher is $61,350. I want mom in the workforce now so that 10 years from now she's got a better paying job paying higher taxes to cover the salary of the childcare professional caring for the next 1 year old kid.
Because covering things that help regular people is labeled socialism and is actively being attacked by the GOP at the moment. You can just look at their "debt ceiling" initiative. Other countries do have state funded childcare for working moms.
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My wife and I get another version of this a lot. Why does she work while I stay at home? I really don't know if this is true or me reading into it because of my own insecurities, but I feel like every time someone hears about our situation I get judged for being lazy or a mooch. In reality I don't have a job that would be hurt by an extended absence. She does. I'm going back to school now, but for the time being she works and I go to school. Every 2 semesters or so I take one off and get a temp job to lighten her work load. Should have enough school that the next break will get me a job in my field of study though, if not what I'm studying
You are being judged by some. The reality is that most sexist stereotypes have a complement. For the people that think that a woman should stay at home they absolutely think the man should be working. Attitudes are trending in the right direction but a man with young children is treated like he is babysitting or giving mom a break far too often. It's great that you and your wife chose the pragmatic, sensible arrangement rather than being cowed by society's expectations, to your disadvantage.
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Good on her. She is right. Taking time off for chidlren is not only an immediate loss of income, it also translates to future loss of income. For every year a women loses at work due to child raising it takes her at least two years to catch up to a comparable income bracket of her peers if she ever does at all, which is not uncommon depending on the role and industry AND she loses her retirement income. Retirement aged women are the fastest growing group of people living under the poverty line and at risk of homelessness. The cost of staying home with children has a substantial future cost that most people dont consider. Childcare is a few years. Your career is the rest of your life's income.
If we stay at home, people ask why we don't work, if we work people ask why we don't stay at home ...🤔
Women are criticized for just existing pretty much 🙄
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I just went back to work full time after working part time jobs, supporting my husband, and raising our kids to high-school age. I am 15 years behind everyone else on my 401K. That's the scariest part to me. I'm thankful I was able to spend that time with my kids, but looking ahead to retirement in the next 25 years or so with little to show for it is daunting.
This! So many people don't factor their retirement into this decision. Retirement aged women are the fastest growing cohort of people facing homelessness. Staying at home might be affordable now. Will it still be affordable in 30 years time without sufficient retirement funds?
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What careers are both of them in that they can afford $5,000 a MONTH for childcare. One of both of them must be on amazing money when $60,000 a year is just going up in smoke on the kids.
They could each be making $65k for all we know. She says they make about the same. $65k is not a crazy high salary in most of the country. Her point is that if one of them (and everyone is expecting it to be her) took five years off from work, it would be near impossible to reenter the workforce at the same level. (Also, an irreparable hit to Social Security.) Giving one salary to day care or living on one salary would be exactly the same, financially, but the latter has a greater impact on future earnings.
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You don't want comments don't tell everyone what you spend on childcare. Mom's are often judged either way though. There is also the that's none of your business response.
It's crazy how expensive that is. My parents weren't well-off but they could afford daycare in the 90s. I guess we could tax billionaires and have subsidized childcare like other first world nations but that would hurt the billionaire's feelings. (That and Eisenhower warned us about going crazy with military spending but we didn't listen.) Anyway I have one sibling and my parents made average money but could afford daycare. I think it's smart to continue as a two income household because whar of one of them gets sick or their industry slows down? Plus there's social security or pensions to consider.
Hell yeah I made good money usually 20 bucks an hour and if I stayed overnight I literally got paid to sleep. I was a full-time nanny though.
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I have 4 kids and between getting everyone where they needed to go for both of us to go to work, and working to afford childcare, we never got any time together. I was getting up before my [then-wife, now ex] got up for work, dropping off the kids and then going to work, after work I picked the kids up and by the time my exwife got home the younger kids were asleep. Days off were spent doing errands and catching up on housework that I didn't have time/energy to do on work days. I finally thought, this is ridiculous, why have kids if we're not going to spend any real time with them? We agreed that one of us should stay home, and that we should homeschool. We worked in the same field and I had more education, but since exwife was older than me, she was further along in her career. So it made sense that it should be me that stayed home. Yes they are only young for a short time - before you know it they'll be too busy with their own lives to spend time with you, so I say spend time with
them while you can. It took a lot of lifestyle sacrifices, but it was important to me. With me staying home, the errands and stuff could be done while exwife was at work, and the kids could be home and awake when exwife got home meaning we could all spend time together (eventually exwife stopped spending time with any of us anyway, but that' neither here nor there). I kept my skills current by doing occasional freelance work from home, and taking online college classes as I could afford them. When we got divorced, I got full custody of the kids, and ex has never once taken her visitation. I expanded my freelance work, so now I'm self-employed, can still homeschool, still get plenty of quality time with the kids (they are teenagers and an adult now but still value time with me) and live a more luxurious life than I did when I was married. But I went into it thinking that I'd have to start my career over again when the kids were older... and I was fine with that.
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The real question should be why does everyone know what you pay in for childcare in the first place. Who was so unimpressed that she had to make a video about it?
The irony is that when women do stay home and take care of their kids, they're often viewed as lazy because they don't have a career outside the house. Mom's are damned if they do, damned if they don't. On a variety of things. Each family should definitely what's best for themselves.
Only the moms who refuse to stay home and raise their own children. You see, SAHMs show them up by actually taking responsibility for the children they brought into this world instead of letting someone else raise their children. Easier to bash those moms then to look at your own choices.
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My reason for staying in the work field after my husband finds a new job (I'm currently supporting us while he gets back on his feet while caring for our three bambinos), is that I notice my mental health being better. I'm kinder, more patient with our kids and I don't feel kinda depressed anymore. I'm an extrovert with social anxiety, so going out to do play dates with different, new people or going to mom groups scare me. But the consistency of my co-workers but variety in the day to day make me happy. Is my mental health not to be considered? And I wish I had familial support around me so I could have that help caring for my kids, but as it is, my hubby and I will need to adjust our future schedules so at any time one of us is home with the kids. This means barely seeing each other. But it will have to be, for financial and mental security.
If that works for your husband as well as yourself that’s awesome. The point is, you and your husband are doing the right thing for your children by having a parent home to raise them instead of leaving it up to strangers.
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I stayed home with our kids when my work was paying about $6 more a month than what we were paying in childcare. I stayed home until the youngest was in 4th grade and found it expensive and near impossible to return to my position as a school psychologist. Staying home cost a great deal to my career. At 48 years old, I don't know what to do! Hubby's first raise was equivalent to my entire salary. In 15 years, education salaries have not increased at near the rate of his (software engineer). I have nearly a doctorate and cannot use my education without spending even more. He has a bachelor's degree and makes 5x more than I could. Rambling down a different road... But staying home was not an option for hubby, but ruined my career.
We got a raise of 50€ recently and we weren't fond of it, yet we understood of course. We want the kindergarteners to get paid better and keep the quality of the food they serve there high. So shut up and take my money. But 5000€/4Kids? Holy mother of finances! And it seems it doesn't even reach the people that would need the money and deserve it the most! Sometimes you could think, the US is doing things like that on porpuse. Keeping childcare cost high to make women stay at home and fall back or loose their careers. Personally I don't give a cent about my career, but people are different. And I wouldn't loose any reputation by starting again, cause I'm a well trained and over qualified nurse. In a country where you call today and start work yesterday,if you know. But that's definitely not the situation for most of the people! Others need to shut up and let people live their lives. It's not like they woke up one day and said "Honey, let's throw out 5k a month for childcare for fun"
I wonder what the cost in this family's area would be for a daytime nanny?
Does it ever occur to people that they could just keep their business to themselves? Every parent has to decide how to balance careers and children- the "right" choice will look very different for each family. Especially each MOM. We could just choose not to tell people how much we spend on stuff. Unfortunately, it is not the society we live in. The only time it warrants sharing this much detail is if it's someone very close to you and it feels useful to do so (For example:you are trying to figure something out or help them make an informed choice on life)
Mom worked when all four of us kids were little. I have to tell you, I never felt "neglected". Mom spent more time with us than kids in my class who had SAHM.
Just out of curiousity, WHY does this mother feel the need to tell people she pays $5000 for child care. That is suspect in itself. She is trying to justify it and mad that she is having to do so, but she opened herself up to the question. And then posting about being feeling victimized. Dont post something that is no ones business but your own - unless you need validation and recognition from being online. And letting people know the cost you are able to afford for child care.
I don't blame any mom for wanting to work outside the home. If you have a profession that is detailed, dependant on keeping up with technology, law or trends, you can lose a lot by staying out of the workforce for 10 years. Not to mention retirement and Social Security. And personal reasons like feelings of self worth. Even tho being a parent is rewarding, some people do need more in their lives. My only question is: where do they live that daycare for 4 costs $5, 000 a month? Is daycare an exclusive private school?? In her field of law, maybe it doesn't pay as much as criminal or corporate law. I give her respect for the field she's chosen, however. It's really needed.
Her life, her choice. I got to be a stay at home dad for a few years. No amount of money can pay for those experiences. I saw my sons first steps, words, video games. My son jokes with me today about how he drove me crazy pressing the red button over and over.
It doesn't really matter what the actual numbers are, if the take home pay of each parent is greater than the cost of childcare, then both of them working is financially better than one staying home. You also have to factor in benefits, like pre-tax dollars going to childcare, or not.
I'm a stay at home dad so it's not a gender thing for me. In fact I often get the reverse criticism. What made my decision for me though was 'What do I treasure most about my childhood?' it was never the toys I was bought or the money that was spent - it's always the time I got to spend with my parents. Now that my father is dead that's time I'll never get back. When I'm on my deathbed will it be my boss at my side or my kids? I'll never look back and say, 'boy I wish I spent more time at work!' and people really underestimate psychologically how important our childhoods are and I want to be there every step of the way for them because once they grow up I'll never get that time again. Each family must make their own choices.
How sad. This woman has no idea what she is doing. She is missing out on every milestone of her children and allowing someone else to raise and mold them. She is a financial supporter, not a true mother. She also does not understand economics….oh well that’s not shocking. 🙁
People share information about their private life, and then complain when people make comments? I'm pretty sure people wouldn't ask you why you pay so much for child care if you didn't tell them how much you were paying...this is modern society
It is about money and the future plain and simple. Everyone instinctively assumes the women gets less so ask her why. The gap is gone between sexes in the same fields with same experience and attitude (work ethic and such). Based on 5000 a month it only makes sense that ones take home is not 0 or close to this number. Yes retirement and 401k sure but is it worth it then or not is still up to the couple. So if one pays 5k then the pay before taxes will vary but let's say 66% is what you take home. You pay is then 7500 a month or 90k annually...and since they both make this much it is a 180k a year house hold. Knowing that in 4 years that amount and investment will compound with merit increases and you won't pay as much as the childe ages it makes sense to work. If one of them couldn't cover the cost and required the other to help pay into it then maybe it wouldn't be worth having both work. Once it reaches so much deficit.
Surely it's her decision how she spends her money, it has nothing to do with anyone else!
We can say whatever we want about it, she's the one who made it public. I care more about her kids than her fùcking money.
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No one has any right to judge or question a family's choice in the situation. There were times growing up, that my dad would lose his job and he would be a stay at home dad for a while, there were times that both of my parents would work full time so I would watch my little brother after school until they got home, there were times that I was too little to watch my brother or before my brother was born that we would find family members to watch us during the day because we could t afford childcare. There were times our lights got shut off because my parents lost money taking time off work to watch us or they had to pay for daycare. but never once was it possible for my mom to be a sahm. she made more money than my dad,she had a much more stable career, and she was always looking for ways to go up in her career to get a raise/promotion. ig what I'm trying to say is that everyone situation is unique. instead of judging we should realize that every parent is trying and thats what matters
How is this anyone, except OP and her spouse's, business? Ask them why they want to know. It is, seriously, not their business.
That's sixty thousand dollars a year. On CHILD CARE. Let that sink in for a moment.
Children are expensive. It's just a fact. I don't understand why this woman feels the need to point out how much she and her partner pay for childcare if they decided to have so many kids. Condoms, contraception and abortions exist, you know.
Since it's every woman's own decision, it is a valid question. It is not always meant as a criticism. She can be insulted by the question, or she can just answer it... Her choice.
I agree with Mom.You don't have to stay home with the kids.Later it will bite u in the butt.That would the first question in interview.Why did u stayed away for so long?Plus A lot of places don't agree on being a home parent is the good reason.Then it makes u feel &think different about yourself.So keep working and being smart about it.
I'm more concerned that everyone asks why mom doesn't stay home but nobody asks why dad doesn't stay home. We pretend to not be a sexist society, but we are.
I'm more baffled by the fact she's paying 5k a month for 4 kids than the fact she's choosing to work. I used to babysit all the time when I was younger, and can safely say I was never paid more than maybe $20 a kid. And I wasn't paid by the hour or anything. It was $20 per kid, per day. Anything more to charge a busy parent is just mean imo
Of course every family have rights to decide what's best for them. But in a glance, it seems like a regular "bragging gone wrong" situation.
If they're spending $5000 on daycare for 4 kids, maybe she should open her own daycare and make that kind of money watching other people's kids? Could be a win-win. I agree with another comment though, she's in a catch-22. She'll be judged no matter what she does depending on who she talks to.
Um, if she's a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant, an IT professional, an engineer ... even a nurse, withdrawing from the workforce to be a $25k per year no pension daycare worker is not going to be professionally or financially rewarding. But thanks for minimizing her professional life - you've proven her point.
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Having a remote job does not mean you can look after your kids - sure, you're physically in the same place as them, but you're supposed to be focused on work, not parenting. You can't do both at the same time, at least not badly.
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No job would be more important than raising my kids. If I ever have children I would love to be a SAHM. But each to their own I guess.
Good for you for doing your thing. Since COVID, I've enjoyed being a working Dad, as I'm able to WFH and have a healthy work/life balance.
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I just personally wonder why have children if you're just gonna spend all their childhoods sent off with strangers...4 of them. Wtf? It doesn't matter the woman or the man, it just feels irresponsible in general. I mean, imagine having children just to spend all your money on having strangers raise them. It's one thing if you're making a profit, but if all of it is going to daycare, wtf? The point of daycare is so parents can make money for actual essentials. I also agree with that one commentor. "I only have 5 to 10 years with them this young..so lets spend as little time with them as possible!" People say I shouldn't judge, but I can judge irresponsibility as much as I want. I'm sick of being told I can't judge, I very much can. Not all 4 of them could have been accidents.
This is so common it's ridiculous. One thing that does not help women get away from this nonsense are the women who go to college and get a degree then stay home waiting on babies. Why do they waste that seat that could go to someone else just to basically through that piece of paper away?? Too many think women should just stay home. I thought it was 2023 not 1950's!?!
Oh come on, the seats are not limited in this day and age where you can take all your classes over the internet. Education is important and good regardless of if one uses it to get a job or not.
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The raising of children should be done by parents whenever possible. This is the part of society that has very much changed for the worse. We are fortunate that I (a mother of 2) can afford to support my family so that my husband can stay home with our children. I can honestly say that if we ever divorced, I would still find a way to make that work. Nothing is more important than my children being raised by their parents.
Imagine actually raising your children. That goes for all parents ...
AKA "making money is moe important than being around my kids" Enjoy the black hole solitude the nursing home...
It's more nuanced than that. I don't know of many men who sacrifice their careers in order to stay at home and raise children, yet it is often assumed that women will. Even now. Women have the right to protect their careers and livelihoods, and work while raising children. Anyway, these days most couples need those two incomes to survive.
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This is a situation that each couple, each woman must make for themselves. For us, we went through 16 years of infertility, testing, miscarriages and attempting adoption. At the end, I ended up getting spontaneously pregnant with no assistance from doctors, and had a healthy baby. I decided I didn't want to miss a single moment, so both of us decided that I would be a SAHM. Now, my son is 18 and I want to go back to the work force, but I've been out of it for 18 years and I'm 54 years old. Finding work will be difficult, and those jobs I'll be able to get will likely be unpleasant minimum wage jobs. But that was the choice I made. On the whole, women make an incredible amount of sacrifices when they become parents, and are usually judged for all of them.
Even as a man, your last point stood out to me. If a mum stays at home, she is criticised for being anti-feminist. But if she goes to work, she is accused of being a neglectful parent. It's a catch 22 situation.
Load More Replies... Childcare is broken in the US. The median wage for Childcare Workers per US Dept of Labor (bls.gov) is $28,500 per year/$13.71 per hour. In my state with the ages she listed(under 5, under 2 years old), two people would be required to be present for daycare. Per rent.com, as of Apr 20, the median US rent is $23,244 per year/$1937 per month. That $60K gets her two people who can't afford to pay their rent after taxes at the going wage for their profession. My question is why as a society can't the US cover the cost of caring and educating one year old like we cover the cost to pay a teacher to do a similar duty with a year old? Per Dept of Labor, median salary of a kindergarten or 1st grade teacher is $61,350. I want mom in the workforce now so that 10 years from now she's got a better paying job paying higher taxes to cover the salary of the childcare professional caring for the next 1 year old kid.
Because covering things that help regular people is labeled socialism and is actively being attacked by the GOP at the moment. You can just look at their "debt ceiling" initiative. Other countries do have state funded childcare for working moms.
Load More Replies... My wife and I get another version of this a lot. Why does she work while I stay at home? I really don't know if this is true or me reading into it because of my own insecurities, but I feel like every time someone hears about our situation I get judged for being lazy or a mooch. In reality I don't have a job that would be hurt by an extended absence. She does. I'm going back to school now, but for the time being she works and I go to school. Every 2 semesters or so I take one off and get a temp job to lighten her work load. Should have enough school that the next break will get me a job in my field of study though, if not what I'm studying
You are being judged by some. The reality is that most sexist stereotypes have a complement. For the people that think that a woman should stay at home they absolutely think the man should be working. Attitudes are trending in the right direction but a man with young children is treated like he is babysitting or giving mom a break far too often. It's great that you and your wife chose the pragmatic, sensible arrangement rather than being cowed by society's expectations, to your disadvantage.
Load More Replies... Good on her. She is right. Taking time off for chidlren is not only an immediate loss of income, it also translates to future loss of income. For every year a women loses at work due to child raising it takes her at least two years to catch up to a comparable income bracket of her peers if she ever does at all, which is not uncommon depending on the role and industry AND she loses her retirement income. Retirement aged women are the fastest growing group of people living under the poverty line and at risk of homelessness. The cost of staying home with children has a substantial future cost that most people dont consider. Childcare is a few years. Your career is the rest of your life's income.
If we stay at home, people ask why we don't work, if we work people ask why we don't stay at home ...🤔
Women are criticized for just existing pretty much 🙄
Load More Replies... I just went back to work full time after working part time jobs, supporting my husband, and raising our kids to high-school age. I am 15 years behind everyone else on my 401K. That's the scariest part to me. I'm thankful I was able to spend that time with my kids, but looking ahead to retirement in the next 25 years or so with little to show for it is daunting.
This! So many people don't factor their retirement into this decision. Retirement aged women are the fastest growing cohort of people facing homelessness. Staying at home might be affordable now. Will it still be affordable in 30 years time without sufficient retirement funds?
Load More Replies... What careers are both of them in that they can afford $5,000 a MONTH for childcare. One of both of them must be on amazing money when $60,000 a year is just going up in smoke on the kids.
They could each be making $65k for all we know. She says they make about the same. $65k is not a crazy high salary in most of the country. Her point is that if one of them (and everyone is expecting it to be her) took five years off from work, it would be near impossible to reenter the workforce at the same level. (Also, an irreparable hit to Social Security.) Giving one salary to day care or living on one salary would be exactly the same, financially, but the latter has a greater impact on future earnings.
Load More Replies... You don't want comments don't tell everyone what you spend on childcare. Mom's are often judged either way though. There is also the that's none of your business response.
It's crazy how expensive that is. My parents weren't well-off but they could afford daycare in the 90s. I guess we could tax billionaires and have subsidized childcare like other first world nations but that would hurt the billionaire's feelings. (That and Eisenhower warned us about going crazy with military spending but we didn't listen.) Anyway I have one sibling and my parents made average money but could afford daycare. I think it's smart to continue as a two income household because whar of one of them gets sick or their industry slows down? Plus there's social security or pensions to consider.
Hell yeah I made good money usually 20 bucks an hour and if I stayed overnight I literally got paid to sleep. I was a full-time nanny though.
Load More Replies... I have 4 kids and between getting everyone where they needed to go for both of us to go to work, and working to afford childcare, we never got any time together. I was getting up before my [then-wife, now ex] got up for work, dropping off the kids and then going to work, after work I picked the kids up and by the time my exwife got home the younger kids were asleep. Days off were spent doing errands and catching up on housework that I didn't have time/energy to do on work days. I finally thought, this is ridiculous, why have kids if we're not going to spend any real time with them? We agreed that one of us should stay home, and that we should homeschool. We worked in the same field and I had more education, but since exwife was older than me, she was further along in her career. So it made sense that it should be me that stayed home. Yes they are only young for a short time - before you know it they'll be too busy with their own lives to spend time with you, so I say spend time with
them while you can. It took a lot of lifestyle sacrifices, but it was important to me. With me staying home, the errands and stuff could be done while exwife was at work, and the kids could be home and awake when exwife got home meaning we could all spend time together (eventually exwife stopped spending time with any of us anyway, but that' neither here nor there). I kept my skills current by doing occasional freelance work from home, and taking online college classes as I could afford them. When we got divorced, I got full custody of the kids, and ex has never once taken her visitation. I expanded my freelance work, so now I'm self-employed, can still homeschool, still get plenty of quality time with the kids (they are teenagers and an adult now but still value time with me) and live a more luxurious life than I did when I was married. But I went into it thinking that I'd have to start my career over again when the kids were older... and I was fine with that.
Load More Replies... The real question should be why does everyone know what you pay in for childcare in the first place. Who was so unimpressed that she had to make a video about it?
The irony is that when women do stay home and take care of their kids, they're often viewed as lazy because they don't have a career outside the house. Mom's are damned if they do, damned if they don't. On a variety of things. Each family should definitely what's best for themselves.
Only the moms who refuse to stay home and raise their own children. You see, SAHMs show them up by actually taking responsibility for the children they brought into this world instead of letting someone else raise their children. Easier to bash those moms then to look at your own choices.
Load More Replies... My reason for staying in the work field after my husband finds a new job (I'm currently supporting us while he gets back on his feet while caring for our three bambinos), is that I notice my mental health being better. I'm kinder, more patient with our kids and I don't feel kinda depressed anymore. I'm an extrovert with social anxiety, so going out to do play dates with different, new people or going to mom groups scare me. But the consistency of my co-workers but variety in the day to day make me happy. Is my mental health not to be considered? And I wish I had familial support around me so I could have that help caring for my kids, but as it is, my hubby and I will need to adjust our future schedules so at any time one of us is home with the kids. This means barely seeing each other. But it will have to be, for financial and mental security.
If that works for your husband as well as yourself that’s awesome. The point is, you and your husband are doing the right thing for your children by having a parent home to raise them instead of leaving it up to strangers.
Load More Replies... I stayed home with our kids when my work was paying about $6 more a month than what we were paying in childcare. I stayed home until the youngest was in 4th grade and found it expensive and near impossible to return to my position as a school psychologist. Staying home cost a great deal to my career. At 48 years old, I don't know what to do! Hubby's first raise was equivalent to my entire salary. In 15 years, education salaries have not increased at near the rate of his (software engineer). I have nearly a doctorate and cannot use my education without spending even more. He has a bachelor's degree and makes 5x more than I could. Rambling down a different road... But staying home was not an option for hubby, but ruined my career.
We got a raise of 50€ recently and we weren't fond of it, yet we understood of course. We want the kindergarteners to get paid better and keep the quality of the food they serve there high. So shut up and take my money. But 5000€/4Kids? Holy mother of finances! And it seems it doesn't even reach the people that would need the money and deserve it the most! Sometimes you could think, the US is doing things like that on porpuse. Keeping childcare cost high to make women stay at home and fall back or loose their careers. Personally I don't give a cent about my career, but people are different. And I wouldn't loose any reputation by starting again, cause I'm a well trained and over qualified nurse. In a country where you call today and start work yesterday,if you know. But that's definitely not the situation for most of the people! Others need to shut up and let people live their lives. It's not like they woke up one day and said "Honey, let's throw out 5k a month for childcare for fun"
I wonder what the cost in this family's area would be for a daytime nanny?
Does it ever occur to people that they could just keep their business to themselves? Every parent has to decide how to balance careers and children- the "right" choice will look very different for each family. Especially each MOM. We could just choose not to tell people how much we spend on stuff. Unfortunately, it is not the society we live in. The only time it warrants sharing this much detail is if it's someone very close to you and it feels useful to do so (For example:you are trying to figure something out or help them make an informed choice on life)
Mom worked when all four of us kids were little. I have to tell you, I never felt "neglected". Mom spent more time with us than kids in my class who had SAHM.
Just out of curiousity, WHY does this mother feel the need to tell people she pays $5000 for child care. That is suspect in itself. She is trying to justify it and mad that she is having to do so, but she opened herself up to the question. And then posting about being feeling victimized. Dont post something that is no ones business but your own - unless you need validation and recognition from being online. And letting people know the cost you are able to afford for child care.
I don't blame any mom for wanting to work outside the home. If you have a profession that is detailed, dependant on keeping up with technology, law or trends, you can lose a lot by staying out of the workforce for 10 years. Not to mention retirement and Social Security. And personal reasons like feelings of self worth. Even tho being a parent is rewarding, some people do need more in their lives. My only question is: where do they live that daycare for 4 costs $5, 000 a month? Is daycare an exclusive private school?? In her field of law, maybe it doesn't pay as much as criminal or corporate law. I give her respect for the field she's chosen, however. It's really needed.
Her life, her choice. I got to be a stay at home dad for a few years. No amount of money can pay for those experiences. I saw my sons first steps, words, video games. My son jokes with me today about how he drove me crazy pressing the red button over and over.
It doesn't really matter what the actual numbers are, if the take home pay of each parent is greater than the cost of childcare, then both of them working is financially better than one staying home. You also have to factor in benefits, like pre-tax dollars going to childcare, or not.
I'm a stay at home dad so it's not a gender thing for me. In fact I often get the reverse criticism. What made my decision for me though was 'What do I treasure most about my childhood?' it was never the toys I was bought or the money that was spent - it's always the time I got to spend with my parents. Now that my father is dead that's time I'll never get back. When I'm on my deathbed will it be my boss at my side or my kids? I'll never look back and say, 'boy I wish I spent more time at work!' and people really underestimate psychologically how important our childhoods are and I want to be there every step of the way for them because once they grow up I'll never get that time again. Each family must make their own choices.
How sad. This woman has no idea what she is doing. She is missing out on every milestone of her children and allowing someone else to raise and mold them. She is a financial supporter, not a true mother. She also does not understand economics….oh well that’s not shocking. 🙁
People share information about their private life, and then complain when people make comments? I'm pretty sure people wouldn't ask you why you pay so much for child care if you didn't tell them how much you were paying...this is modern society
It is about money and the future plain and simple. Everyone instinctively assumes the women gets less so ask her why. The gap is gone between sexes in the same fields with same experience and attitude (work ethic and such). Based on 5000 a month it only makes sense that ones take home is not 0 or close to this number. Yes retirement and 401k sure but is it worth it then or not is still up to the couple. So if one pays 5k then the pay before taxes will vary but let's say 66% is what you take home. You pay is then 7500 a month or 90k annually...and since they both make this much it is a 180k a year house hold. Knowing that in 4 years that amount and investment will compound with merit increases and you won't pay as much as the childe ages it makes sense to work. If one of them couldn't cover the cost and required the other to help pay into it then maybe it wouldn't be worth having both work. Once it reaches so much deficit.
Surely it's her decision how she spends her money, it has nothing to do with anyone else!
We can say whatever we want about it, she's the one who made it public. I care more about her kids than her fùcking money.
Load More Replies... No one has any right to judge or question a family's choice in the situation. There were times growing up, that my dad would lose his job and he would be a stay at home dad for a while, there were times that both of my parents would work full time so I would watch my little brother after school until they got home, there were times that I was too little to watch my brother or before my brother was born that we would find family members to watch us during the day because we could t afford childcare. There were times our lights got shut off because my parents lost money taking time off work to watch us or they had to pay for daycare. but never once was it possible for my mom to be a sahm. she made more money than my dad,she had a much more stable career, and she was always looking for ways to go up in her career to get a raise/promotion. ig what I'm trying to say is that everyone situation is unique. instead of judging we should realize that every parent is trying and thats what matters
How is this anyone, except OP and her spouse's, business? Ask them why they want to know. It is, seriously, not their business.
That's sixty thousand dollars a year. On CHILD CARE. Let that sink in for a moment.
Children are expensive. It's just a fact. I don't understand why this woman feels the need to point out how much she and her partner pay for childcare if they decided to have so many kids. Condoms, contraception and abortions exist, you know.
Since it's every woman's own decision, it is a valid question. It is not always meant as a criticism. She can be insulted by the question, or she can just answer it... Her choice.
I agree with Mom.You don't have to stay home with the kids.Later it will bite u in the butt.That would the first question in interview.Why did u stayed away for so long?Plus A lot of places don't agree on being a home parent is the good reason.Then it makes u feel &think different about yourself.So keep working and being smart about it.
I'm more concerned that everyone asks why mom doesn't stay home but nobody asks why dad doesn't stay home. We pretend to not be a sexist society, but we are.
I'm more baffled by the fact she's paying 5k a month for 4 kids than the fact she's choosing to work. I used to babysit all the time when I was younger, and can safely say I was never paid more than maybe $20 a kid. And I wasn't paid by the hour or anything. It was $20 per kid, per day. Anything more to charge a busy parent is just mean imo
Of course every family have rights to decide what's best for them. But in a glance, it seems like a regular "bragging gone wrong" situation.
If they're spending $5000 on daycare for 4 kids, maybe she should open her own daycare and make that kind of money watching other people's kids? Could be a win-win. I agree with another comment though, she's in a catch-22. She'll be judged no matter what she does depending on who she talks to.
Um, if she's a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant, an IT professional, an engineer ... even a nurse, withdrawing from the workforce to be a $25k per year no pension daycare worker is not going to be professionally or financially rewarding. But thanks for minimizing her professional life - you've proven her point.
Load More Replies... Having a remote job does not mean you can look after your kids - sure, you're physically in the same place as them, but you're supposed to be focused on work, not parenting. You can't do both at the same time, at least not badly.
Load More Replies... No job would be more important than raising my kids. If I ever have children I would love to be a SAHM. But each to their own I guess.
Good for you for doing your thing. Since COVID, I've enjoyed being a working Dad, as I'm able to WFH and have a healthy work/life balance.
Load More Replies... I just personally wonder why have children if you're just gonna spend all their childhoods sent off with strangers...4 of them. Wtf? It doesn't matter the woman or the man, it just feels irresponsible in general. I mean, imagine having children just to spend all your money on having strangers raise them. It's one thing if you're making a profit, but if all of it is going to daycare, wtf? The point of daycare is so parents can make money for actual essentials. I also agree with that one commentor. "I only have 5 to 10 years with them this young..so lets spend as little time with them as possible!" People say I shouldn't judge, but I can judge irresponsibility as much as I want. I'm sick of being told I can't judge, I very much can. Not all 4 of them could have been accidents.
This is so common it's ridiculous. One thing that does not help women get away from this nonsense are the women who go to college and get a degree then stay home waiting on babies. Why do they waste that seat that could go to someone else just to basically through that piece of paper away?? Too many think women should just stay home. I thought it was 2023 not 1950's!?!
Oh come on, the seats are not limited in this day and age where you can take all your classes over the internet. Education is important and good regardless of if one uses it to get a job or not.
Load More Replies... The raising of children should be done by parents whenever possible. This is the part of society that has very much changed for the worse. We are fortunate that I (a mother of 2) can afford to support my family so that my husband can stay home with our children. I can honestly say that if we ever divorced, I would still find a way to make that work. Nothing is more important than my children being raised by their parents.
Imagine actually raising your children. That goes for all parents ...
AKA "making money is moe important than being around my kids" Enjoy the black hole solitude the nursing home...
It's more nuanced than that. I don't know of many men who sacrifice their careers in order to stay at home and raise children, yet it is often assumed that women will. Even now. Women have the right to protect their careers and livelihoods, and work while raising children. Anyway, these days most couples need those two incomes to survive.
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