Husband Wants Nothing To Do With Wife And Daughter After Doing Paternity Test
Realizing that your partner has been unfaithful to you can be devastating. It can break your heart and make you question everything you think you know about them. However, if you have a child together, the situation becomes more complicated.
One anonymous man shocked the internet after turning to the r/AITAH online community for advice about a delicate situation at home. Having learned that his 9-year-old daughter isn’t his, he’s wondering whether or not to abandon her. Read on for the story in full, as well as what the Reddit community had to say about the dad’s intentions. It’s a divisive story that stunned some readers while others came out in support of the dad.
Infidelity can lead to families breaking apart, even if the couple already has children
Image credits: Antoni Shkraba / Pexels (not the actual photo)
One man turned to the internet for advice because he’s considering abandoning his daughter when he learned she’s not his
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Bitter_Function409
Image credits: Alex Green / Pexels (not the actual photo)
It’s hard to tell whether a couple should stay together or break up because each situation is unique
The OP’s situation is a complicated one. Not to mention emotionally messy. There are two main questions to consider here. The first is the issue of his wife having cheated on him a decade ago in the first place. The second is how the man reacted to learning that his life partner had been unfaithful to him.
Nobody is dismissing how awful being cheated on really is. Anyone who’s ever experienced it knows how quickly it shatters your daily life, leaving you to pick up the pieces. The person whom you fully trusted hurt you. Badly.
How you react is entirely up to you. It’s natural to be upset or even angry. After all, you feel betrayed for a handful of (probably) unknown reasons. However, there are commonsense lines that you should not cross: verbally or physically abusing your partner as ‘revenge,’ for example, would be an awful reaction.
Cheating on them to ‘get even’ might also not be the most healthy ‘solution.’ Especially if you still have hopes to stay together.
Whether you try to mend the relationship or call it quits will depend on each individual situation. If one partner has completely emotionally moved on from the other, then there’s not much left to salvage. On the other hand, if both partners are prepared to patiently rebuild and take the time to work on their flaws, then there might be a possible future together.
Image credits: Pixabay / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The situation is very complicated and there really aren’t any easy answers
What shocked many redditors who read the anonymous man’s story is how easily he seemed to consider the idea of abandoning his daughter after helping to raise her for nearly 10 years. Most people probably understand how hurt any parent would be to learn that their child isn’t theirs.
But what makes someone a parent isn’t just determined by blood. It’s a deep emotional bond where you’re responsible for a younger person’s basic needs, education, values, and future. You can consider yourself a parent if you’ve raised your younger siblings. Or if you adopt a child. Or if you have to take care of a distant relative or a friend’s child when nobody else can.
At the end of the day, that decision—whether you think of yourself as a parent, no matter the DNA—is a very personal one. There are no easy answers. And it’s hard to judge anyone when the stakes are so high. But the internet seems to be on the same page that no child should be abandoned just because a parent feels hurt and betrayed. It’s not any child’s ‘fault’ that one of their parents cheated.
Image credits: Ron Lach / Pexels (not the actual photo)
People are unfaithful to their partners due to a broad range of reasons
There are plenty of reasons why people are unfaithful. They might be unfulfilled physically or emotionally. They might want validation that they’re still attractive. They may feel bored and want novelty in their lives. Or they might simply have lots of opportunities to step out on their partner.
‘Verywell Mind’ points out that people also cheat on their partners because they have low self-esteem, they might be angry, they want variety in their love life, or they’re not committed to their current relationship.
Meanwhile, ‘Brides’ notes that men typically cheat due to physical reasons. For example, if they want an escape from stress, if they’re attracted to someone else, or if they’re getting little to no physical affection at home.
“Not all men cheat, but some—maybe most—of those that do have a belief that men need more than one person to have sex with to be satisfied sexually,” marriage and family therapist Jeff Yoo explains.
According to the therapist, women generally cheat on their partners for emotional reasons. They tend to begin with an emotional affair that later turns physical.
“All humans can be tempted. It comes down to the core of who the individual is,” Yoo said that cheating is an example of selfishness as well as poor impulse control. Cheaters also tend to be narcissistic, lack compassion, and stonewall their partners in their relationships.
The readers shared their reactions, different opinions, and similar stories
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If you can just abandon a 9 year old kid, just like that, after being her dad for years, because you "don't want to pay for another man's kid", then you never really cared about her and are a cold-hearted jerk. I understand the hurt, and I also understand how that affects your position towards your child, but jesus christ man, does blood mean so much then? You're punishing your child for something the wife did, and that is not okay.
I have to suspect that he never really wanted or loved the child. Otherwise how could you just throw away nine years of parenting like it's nothing?
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Poor kid. Guy is a massive a*****e for ditching her. Divorcing the mom makes sence though.
I can't wrap my head around the idea of raising a kid for 9 years(!) as your own and just stopping to care about them the moment you find out you aren't their bio parent. Absolutely YTA for that. NTA for divorcing the wife and hating her for what she's done, obviously, but that I cannot understand.
What a soulless heartless dickless a*****e for abandoning his child.
Totally agree. The mother herself can go straight to hell but the girl did nothing. You just don't drop nine years in an instant for a CHILD who is totally innocent!!
Load More Replies... I have a kid who's now 10. Never in a million years would I abandon him, no matter who he's from. To even consider it ... sheesh. What an a*****e.
I’ll go one step further. This is one of the most narcissistic sociopathic idiotic bs ideas I’ve ever read online.
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Biggest YTA I've ever seen. Sure, go ahead and divorce your wife. She lied to you for 10 years then haphazardly throw it out there during an argument as if it's a burn or something. You can't trust her anymore, cut her out of your life. But what has this little girl done to OP to deserve being abandoned? She may not be his biological daughter, but there is far more to family than blood. He raised her for 9 years. You cannot just walk away from that. OP is angry and going through a lot, but so is she. You cannot walk away now. Just can't do it. Be angry, that's fine, but don't take it out on the kid. Signed, stepdad of 2, raising someone else's bio-kids. F**k you, OP.
Man is told that his entire life is a lie. Is in a tailspin. Is thinking of doing something drastic. Asks for advice. I agree that he’d be wrong to cut his daughter out of his life. But he’s still at the “Asks for advice” stage. Honestly? If he’s the worst person you’ve ever come across then you have lived a very sheltered life.
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Very much YTA, you are traumatizing an innocent child who has done NOTHING to you. If you ever loved her, don't punish her for what her mother did!!!
I don’t blame him for not wanting a kid that isn’t his. But after nine years you’d think he would love her too much to let her go already. Usually people find out early on and can just choose to not be in the kids life ever. He must not have ever loved her a day in her entire nine years to want to leave. But at the same time, it’s not his kid or his responsibility. He can leave if he wants. I feel so sorry for the little girl. But he probably was never a good dad anyway so she’s probably not losing much.
This is for these people who keep defending this bs. To equate this with level of commitment you seem to process. This is a human child. Not a full bred chihuahua that you just discovered has a Pitbull as its grandfather.
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I get it that he has beef with the wife and feels betrayed. But I can't imagine a truly kind person who suddenly stops loving an innocent child. Love doesn't just stop. That's why people cling so much to toxic people and why it hurts so much to separate even if it's valid. So for him to be so callous and cold against the girl he can't have loved her much. There's no sadness, no regret that she's not his child. That gives me the impression that the girl might be better off without him. He doesn't seem very affectionate anyways.
He basically admitted that he never actually loved her at all. How do you help raise someone for almost 10 years, share a bond with and then just straight up be okay with abandoning them and want nothing to do with them? And again do it so suddenly as well? He never loved her. And the "bond" was fake on his part.
Sadly, we can answer those questions by reading Scott McNabb’s many posts here about OP being the “victim,” and how he needs to run away FAST from his wife and daughter. I get the impression Scott is an incel, as his viewpoint is 180° from everyone else’s. He doesn’t consider the child at ALL, just the dad, and is diametrically opposed to NOT hurting the girl. Sigh. I think she needs to be away from her stupid father. And Scott.
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Everyone knows that when they are in the middle of something soul-shattering, they should not make important, life-changing decisions. At least not then and there, because some decisions can't be undone, however much you want to when you're thinking more clearly. Wait till you see straight again and then make a well-founded decision. This is especially true in this case, where an innocent innocent child's life is involved. Personally, I find the thought that you consider making a child that you've looked upon as your daughter homeless extremely distasteful.
How do we know that the daughter would be homeless?
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You ARE DADDY. You are HER DADDY! You are the ONLY DADDY she knows! Do not abandon YOUR daughter! It's that simple.
While he definitely sounds like an AH for how he wants to ditch his daughter, this is one of those instances in which I don't see co-parenting as the better option, so if he doesn't want to /can't go for full custody this may well be the lesser evil
Right? All these people are mad at him abandoning the girl, but the alternative can be much worse. He hates the mom right now and doesn't want to be near who he thought was his daughter. I am more worried he feels forced to keep her and that she'll be abused. Not physical either, but she'll feel like she's hated by someone she loves when he sees her. Just leaving is probably a better option
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Yeah this is a HARD YTA. The kid did nothing wrong and suddenly he's like "lmao she's not mine I ain't raising her", when he's the only father she knows.
The daughter did nothing to deserve being abandoned. She's being punished for what her mom did. She'll never be the same
Scott McNabb seams like a pretty miserable fellow based on his comments here....
The way he’s behaving, it’s pretty clear he abandoned a child himself, hence his constant standing up for the father, repeatedly calling him a “victim.” He doesn’t like what everyone’s saying about the guy because they’re saying it about him, too. 😕
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Sounds like a knee-jerk reaction by someone who has been deeply hurt and is overwhelmed. Understandable, but abandoning a child emotionally—whether not financially—is an a-hole move. She is a human being. How can the bond u share just vanish into thin air? Change irreparably, yes. Talk to a therapist. And just to say the misogyny out there is shocking. Women who cheat are not automatically whores or ho-bags. Women get cheated on all the time and learn to forgive, and their partners not character assassinated so easily. Maybe it was when they first together, or a moment of weakness in an otherwise dedicated relationship? Or maybe she is a selfish a-hole. I don’t know. But I do know that a lot of marriages survive infidelity, while others understandably don’t. Do what’s right for you. But you can’t just act like the last 10 years didn’t happen and relationship with child didn’t mean anything. Be honest if you must: “not your dad, but I care about you.”
Definitely divorce mom. Definitely try to minimize all support, but I expect the courts will require child support from him. So be it. But also consider the child is also innocent and a child. Be a man and stay in the child's life for her sake. Be the best dad possible. Also consider letting bio dad's family know, and what is age appropriate to tell the daughter.
He should go for custody and let her pay child support. When a child is born in a marriage, you are by legal definition her father.
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In divorce court you are going to get a big surprise buddy, that child is yours. The court will tell you that you raised her for nine years and you are now going to pay child support for many more years.
The fact that he got the paternity test at all tells me he cares more about biology than he does HIS child.
There’s nothing wrong with making rational decisions based on solid facts. I would disagree with him if he chose to cut off his daughter, but I can also see how it would eat away at him forever if he didn’t *know* if she was his biological daughter.
Load More Replies... I look at this from 2 different pov. But from both points, the same conclusion. While actions taken towards the marriage may be warranted, a child should never be punished for their DNA. 1st pov, I was adopted by my dad at the age of 9. I distinctly remember that summer and how my dad scrambled to get us adopted before my mother gave birth to their child. My dna donor made things a living hell for all during the divorce and adoption process & intentionally drew it out to make them miss that deadline. You know what I remember? My dad my hero and the other man who used to be called dad who intentionally hurt us in many ways. 2nd pov I was employed in child support enforcement up until I came out on disability at 38. I was and still am a strong advocate for dna testing at birth for every child. Also recognize the state views marital partners to be legal dad regardless of dna. Will only unwind paternity if there is a living person with positive dna petitioning for paternity.
But no matter what, never punish a child for the actions of another parent you monster. You will destroy this child’s entire world and are setting them up for a lifetime of pain and therapy as they will feel rejected not by the man who isn’t dad. But by the man who has always been the hero, the dad. You want to blow up your marriage over something that happened so long ago? Fine. I suggest you do it with the help of therapists for all. But why are you so set on destroying a child? Monster
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I can understand feeling betrayed after finding out that the child you raised isn't your own. But an action made in the heat of the moment can have a lasting impact on innocent people, especially children. The girl did not conceive herself; she was the result of intimacy between two adults. OP has every right to feel the way he feels; acting on his present emotions is, and always will be, the biggest mistake he will ever make. He needs to give himself time--to process his emotions, and to make decisions based on what is best for all parties involved. A separation is in order, after which both adults can decide whether or not to get marital counseling, or divorce lawyers. Either way, the wellbeing of the girl should always be first and foremost in negotiations. OP'S world has been seriously rocked like Loma Prieta; a nine-year-old shouldn't have to get hit with the shock waves.
I’m going to go against the trend here. First it’s a mess and OP should get counseling and an attorney ASAP. Second in some states if a child is born in wedlock, it is presumed to be father’s child regardless of DNA. Third the wife is scum.
This is the only thing you’ve written here that actually doesn’t go against the trend. So you do have empathy and some critical thinking skills. Why is it only here you seem to employ and deploy them?
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I agree with everyone's comments here. The daughter did nothing wrong, and will most likely be completely devastated by being abandoned by the man who raised her as a daughter. He is TA for even considering doing that to a child. It certainly looks like he never really cared about her. If he is in the US there is a good chance that he will have to pay child support regardless, particularly since the bio dad is dead. That is truly unfair to the dad but it is done on the basis of what is best for the child. And what is best for the state since it will cut down or eliminate any low-income support the single mom might have been entitled to without child support (I am not saying I agree with this, it is just the truth). Having to involuntarily pay child support for 9-10 years for a child whose paternity you were lied to about is just awful. He is a victim here just like his daughter. And he can sue his ex-wife in many US states.
YTA but sadly there's not a stronger choice for AH of the decade. Wow, after almost 10 yrs? Guess you're not into adoption. Ever think of this, you're not the child's father but they love you. Fact you never loved either of them. I don't think you are capable of loving anything. Actually best thing is for them to bring you to court, get alimony and find a real human being to have a relationship with. You OP suck!!
“There's not a stronger choice for AH of the decade”. Gonna be wild scenes when you pick up a newspaper and learn about murderers and rapists.
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Scary that he hasn't bonded with a child he has raised for 9 years.
This is so much of a lie it's untrue. You don't bring a kid up for nearly 10 years and have ZERO feelings about them
F**k this guy. Given how callous this post is with reference to the little girl, I'd wager that he's a pretty crappy father and he's happy he has an out. She is going to be devastated, but I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if she found she was better off without him.
Unpopular opinion. He's NTA. This is the risk we women take if we are unfaithful to our partners and try to pass off a flings baby as his. Let's flip the situation, if a woman's husband cheated and had a baby with his mistress, should his wife be obligated to raise that baby? No, of course not, that's ridiculous. OP is well within his rights to take this paternity test to a judge, divorce his cheating wive, pay no child support, and try to move on with his life
OP is a jerk. Yeah his wife cheated and he has every right to be angry with her, but his attitude towards to child is revolting. The way he is acting is teaching tge child that men can't be trusted, she's not worthy of love and care, another words he has just put in place all tge key peices for this child to grow into a woman who's likey to choose abusive partners. Well done mate, your a jerk
Imagine being willing to abandon a child that you raised, loved, and cherished for a decade over what their mother did before they were even born. 9 years of love just stopped existing because mom was s****y. That kids dreams of the future, passions, interests, favorites all mean nothing because their mother was horrible.
NTA yet. You don't want to pay for her? During marriage if a woman has chiid, you'll be paying child support. Now if you were to step up and go for custody she will and regret it every month. Find the father's family, explain what happened, allow them in her life as aunts and uncles. Imo they should know. Then what will your wife say? I don't think she could explain it making what she did she can't unless she comes out and says she messed up. He bio father could of seen her when he was alive but she didn't. Be the honest parent. No one lied but her. Get close to the bio family, see how she likes that. They will back you up in court.
Another fake AITA story. I think it's teenagers doing creative writing exercises. They are usually this poorly written.
God, I hope so. If this is real, it is heartbreaking.
Load More Replies... Completely nta, but also who made the poll? The correct option is that it's ok to leave since she destroyed his trust
Lots of ignorance of the law and hypocrisy against men in this. Facts are the woman is not a good person, the man is spiraling out of control and needs therapy, divorce court will mandate child support, and the mother needs to find a way to support herself . The fact that woman kept this secret until an anrgument erupted is telling.
So you don’t have ignorance of the law, then? Cite your source. Where do you get to say you have legal background knowledge that supports your incel ideology. Or is it more you DO know the law but don’t like the law so will lie about the law to try to force everyone into your corner? MY SOURCE until I retired I was a child support enforcement employee and then a training supervisor. I spent over half my time every month in the courtroom, side by side with legal counsel, hammering out back room deals, working special task forces to help non custodial parents improve their own lives to be better parents, dealing with negotiations to benefit the children, asking the court to punish those who ran away from obligations or become intentionally under employed to avoid paying support, determining paternity and parental obligation and much much more. Your turn. Where did you get your armchair degree? Judge Judy? People who worked in the real court systems recognize what a joke she is.
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When a woman's infidelity (with kid or kids) is exposed, everyone expects the "man" to be forgiving, understanding, and magnanimous and shut up and take it like a man. But if this role is reversed, the man who cheated is to be crucified, skinned alive and live in hell forever. Double standards much. In this case, the man is the victim here, and the kid is the collateral damage the mother has inflicted.
People are saying "he never loved her (i.e. the daughter)". Maybe, but considering that the wife was the one who threw it into his face, that could indicate the opposite. If he didn't love the daughter, why would the wife even mention this? She evidently doesn't want a divorce, and with the ease of DNA testing today, she should have expected that he would follow up. She was trying to hurt him, but the question is how? Because he loves his daughter, and she wants to hurt him by saying "nope, she's not your daughter", or because he doesn't. and the wife wanted to say "you're a loser, stuck with raising a kid who you don't love who isn't yours". I would say the former, because then the wife would feel that he wouldn't file for divorce, even of the daughter wasn't his.
If you can just abandon a 9 year old kid, just like that, after being her dad for years, because you "don't want to pay for another man's kid", then you never really cared about her and are a cold-hearted jerk. I understand the hurt, and I also understand how that affects your position towards your child, but jesus christ man, does blood mean so much then? You're punishing your child for something the wife did, and that is not okay.
I have to suspect that he never really wanted or loved the child. Otherwise how could you just throw away nine years of parenting like it's nothing?
Load More Replies... Poor kid. Guy is a massive a*****e for ditching her. Divorcing the mom makes sence though.
I can't wrap my head around the idea of raising a kid for 9 years(!) as your own and just stopping to care about them the moment you find out you aren't their bio parent. Absolutely YTA for that. NTA for divorcing the wife and hating her for what she's done, obviously, but that I cannot understand.
What a soulless heartless dickless a*****e for abandoning his child.
Totally agree. The mother herself can go straight to hell but the girl did nothing. You just don't drop nine years in an instant for a CHILD who is totally innocent!!
Load More Replies... I have a kid who's now 10. Never in a million years would I abandon him, no matter who he's from. To even consider it ... sheesh. What an a*****e.
I’ll go one step further. This is one of the most narcissistic sociopathic idiotic bs ideas I’ve ever read online.
Load More Replies... Biggest YTA I've ever seen. Sure, go ahead and divorce your wife. She lied to you for 10 years then haphazardly throw it out there during an argument as if it's a burn or something. You can't trust her anymore, cut her out of your life. But what has this little girl done to OP to deserve being abandoned? She may not be his biological daughter, but there is far more to family than blood. He raised her for 9 years. You cannot just walk away from that. OP is angry and going through a lot, but so is she. You cannot walk away now. Just can't do it. Be angry, that's fine, but don't take it out on the kid. Signed, stepdad of 2, raising someone else's bio-kids. F**k you, OP.
Man is told that his entire life is a lie. Is in a tailspin. Is thinking of doing something drastic. Asks for advice. I agree that he’d be wrong to cut his daughter out of his life. But he’s still at the “Asks for advice” stage. Honestly? If he’s the worst person you’ve ever come across then you have lived a very sheltered life.
Load More Replies... Very much YTA, you are traumatizing an innocent child who has done NOTHING to you. If you ever loved her, don't punish her for what her mother did!!!
I don’t blame him for not wanting a kid that isn’t his. But after nine years you’d think he would love her too much to let her go already. Usually people find out early on and can just choose to not be in the kids life ever. He must not have ever loved her a day in her entire nine years to want to leave. But at the same time, it’s not his kid or his responsibility. He can leave if he wants. I feel so sorry for the little girl. But he probably was never a good dad anyway so she’s probably not losing much.
This is for these people who keep defending this bs. To equate this with level of commitment you seem to process. This is a human child. Not a full bred chihuahua that you just discovered has a Pitbull as its grandfather.
Load More Replies... I get it that he has beef with the wife and feels betrayed. But I can't imagine a truly kind person who suddenly stops loving an innocent child. Love doesn't just stop. That's why people cling so much to toxic people and why it hurts so much to separate even if it's valid. So for him to be so callous and cold against the girl he can't have loved her much. There's no sadness, no regret that she's not his child. That gives me the impression that the girl might be better off without him. He doesn't seem very affectionate anyways.
He basically admitted that he never actually loved her at all. How do you help raise someone for almost 10 years, share a bond with and then just straight up be okay with abandoning them and want nothing to do with them? And again do it so suddenly as well? He never loved her. And the "bond" was fake on his part.
Sadly, we can answer those questions by reading Scott McNabb’s many posts here about OP being the “victim,” and how he needs to run away FAST from his wife and daughter. I get the impression Scott is an incel, as his viewpoint is 180° from everyone else’s. He doesn’t consider the child at ALL, just the dad, and is diametrically opposed to NOT hurting the girl. Sigh. I think she needs to be away from her stupid father. And Scott.
Load More Replies... Everyone knows that when they are in the middle of something soul-shattering, they should not make important, life-changing decisions. At least not then and there, because some decisions can't be undone, however much you want to when you're thinking more clearly. Wait till you see straight again and then make a well-founded decision. This is especially true in this case, where an innocent innocent child's life is involved. Personally, I find the thought that you consider making a child that you've looked upon as your daughter homeless extremely distasteful.
How do we know that the daughter would be homeless?
Load More Replies... You ARE DADDY. You are HER DADDY! You are the ONLY DADDY she knows! Do not abandon YOUR daughter! It's that simple.
While he definitely sounds like an AH for how he wants to ditch his daughter, this is one of those instances in which I don't see co-parenting as the better option, so if he doesn't want to /can't go for full custody this may well be the lesser evil
Right? All these people are mad at him abandoning the girl, but the alternative can be much worse. He hates the mom right now and doesn't want to be near who he thought was his daughter. I am more worried he feels forced to keep her and that she'll be abused. Not physical either, but she'll feel like she's hated by someone she loves when he sees her. Just leaving is probably a better option
Load More Replies... Yeah this is a HARD YTA. The kid did nothing wrong and suddenly he's like "lmao she's not mine I ain't raising her", when he's the only father she knows.
The daughter did nothing to deserve being abandoned. She's being punished for what her mom did. She'll never be the same
Scott McNabb seams like a pretty miserable fellow based on his comments here....
The way he’s behaving, it’s pretty clear he abandoned a child himself, hence his constant standing up for the father, repeatedly calling him a “victim.” He doesn’t like what everyone’s saying about the guy because they’re saying it about him, too. 😕
Load More Replies... Sounds like a knee-jerk reaction by someone who has been deeply hurt and is overwhelmed. Understandable, but abandoning a child emotionally—whether not financially—is an a-hole move. She is a human being. How can the bond u share just vanish into thin air? Change irreparably, yes. Talk to a therapist. And just to say the misogyny out there is shocking. Women who cheat are not automatically whores or ho-bags. Women get cheated on all the time and learn to forgive, and their partners not character assassinated so easily. Maybe it was when they first together, or a moment of weakness in an otherwise dedicated relationship? Or maybe she is a selfish a-hole. I don’t know. But I do know that a lot of marriages survive infidelity, while others understandably don’t. Do what’s right for you. But you can’t just act like the last 10 years didn’t happen and relationship with child didn’t mean anything. Be honest if you must: “not your dad, but I care about you.”
Definitely divorce mom. Definitely try to minimize all support, but I expect the courts will require child support from him. So be it. But also consider the child is also innocent and a child. Be a man and stay in the child's life for her sake. Be the best dad possible. Also consider letting bio dad's family know, and what is age appropriate to tell the daughter.
He should go for custody and let her pay child support. When a child is born in a marriage, you are by legal definition her father.
Load More Replies... In divorce court you are going to get a big surprise buddy, that child is yours. The court will tell you that you raised her for nine years and you are now going to pay child support for many more years.
The fact that he got the paternity test at all tells me he cares more about biology than he does HIS child.
There’s nothing wrong with making rational decisions based on solid facts. I would disagree with him if he chose to cut off his daughter, but I can also see how it would eat away at him forever if he didn’t *know* if she was his biological daughter.
Load More Replies... I look at this from 2 different pov. But from both points, the same conclusion. While actions taken towards the marriage may be warranted, a child should never be punished for their DNA. 1st pov, I was adopted by my dad at the age of 9. I distinctly remember that summer and how my dad scrambled to get us adopted before my mother gave birth to their child. My dna donor made things a living hell for all during the divorce and adoption process & intentionally drew it out to make them miss that deadline. You know what I remember? My dad my hero and the other man who used to be called dad who intentionally hurt us in many ways. 2nd pov I was employed in child support enforcement up until I came out on disability at 38. I was and still am a strong advocate for dna testing at birth for every child. Also recognize the state views marital partners to be legal dad regardless of dna. Will only unwind paternity if there is a living person with positive dna petitioning for paternity.
But no matter what, never punish a child for the actions of another parent you monster. You will destroy this child’s entire world and are setting them up for a lifetime of pain and therapy as they will feel rejected not by the man who isn’t dad. But by the man who has always been the hero, the dad. You want to blow up your marriage over something that happened so long ago? Fine. I suggest you do it with the help of therapists for all. But why are you so set on destroying a child? Monster
Load More Replies... I can understand feeling betrayed after finding out that the child you raised isn't your own. But an action made in the heat of the moment can have a lasting impact on innocent people, especially children. The girl did not conceive herself; she was the result of intimacy between two adults. OP has every right to feel the way he feels; acting on his present emotions is, and always will be, the biggest mistake he will ever make. He needs to give himself time--to process his emotions, and to make decisions based on what is best for all parties involved. A separation is in order, after which both adults can decide whether or not to get marital counseling, or divorce lawyers. Either way, the wellbeing of the girl should always be first and foremost in negotiations. OP'S world has been seriously rocked like Loma Prieta; a nine-year-old shouldn't have to get hit with the shock waves.
I’m going to go against the trend here. First it’s a mess and OP should get counseling and an attorney ASAP. Second in some states if a child is born in wedlock, it is presumed to be father’s child regardless of DNA. Third the wife is scum.
This is the only thing you’ve written here that actually doesn’t go against the trend. So you do have empathy and some critical thinking skills. Why is it only here you seem to employ and deploy them?
Load More Replies... I agree with everyone's comments here. The daughter did nothing wrong, and will most likely be completely devastated by being abandoned by the man who raised her as a daughter. He is TA for even considering doing that to a child. It certainly looks like he never really cared about her. If he is in the US there is a good chance that he will have to pay child support regardless, particularly since the bio dad is dead. That is truly unfair to the dad but it is done on the basis of what is best for the child. And what is best for the state since it will cut down or eliminate any low-income support the single mom might have been entitled to without child support (I am not saying I agree with this, it is just the truth). Having to involuntarily pay child support for 9-10 years for a child whose paternity you were lied to about is just awful. He is a victim here just like his daughter. And he can sue his ex-wife in many US states.
YTA but sadly there's not a stronger choice for AH of the decade. Wow, after almost 10 yrs? Guess you're not into adoption. Ever think of this, you're not the child's father but they love you. Fact you never loved either of them. I don't think you are capable of loving anything. Actually best thing is for them to bring you to court, get alimony and find a real human being to have a relationship with. You OP suck!!
“There's not a stronger choice for AH of the decade”. Gonna be wild scenes when you pick up a newspaper and learn about murderers and rapists.
Load More Replies... Scary that he hasn't bonded with a child he has raised for 9 years.
This is so much of a lie it's untrue. You don't bring a kid up for nearly 10 years and have ZERO feelings about them
F**k this guy. Given how callous this post is with reference to the little girl, I'd wager that he's a pretty crappy father and he's happy he has an out. She is going to be devastated, but I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if she found she was better off without him.
Unpopular opinion. He's NTA. This is the risk we women take if we are unfaithful to our partners and try to pass off a flings baby as his. Let's flip the situation, if a woman's husband cheated and had a baby with his mistress, should his wife be obligated to raise that baby? No, of course not, that's ridiculous. OP is well within his rights to take this paternity test to a judge, divorce his cheating wive, pay no child support, and try to move on with his life
OP is a jerk. Yeah his wife cheated and he has every right to be angry with her, but his attitude towards to child is revolting. The way he is acting is teaching tge child that men can't be trusted, she's not worthy of love and care, another words he has just put in place all tge key peices for this child to grow into a woman who's likey to choose abusive partners. Well done mate, your a jerk
Imagine being willing to abandon a child that you raised, loved, and cherished for a decade over what their mother did before they were even born. 9 years of love just stopped existing because mom was s****y. That kids dreams of the future, passions, interests, favorites all mean nothing because their mother was horrible.
NTA yet. You don't want to pay for her? During marriage if a woman has chiid, you'll be paying child support. Now if you were to step up and go for custody she will and regret it every month. Find the father's family, explain what happened, allow them in her life as aunts and uncles. Imo they should know. Then what will your wife say? I don't think she could explain it making what she did she can't unless she comes out and says she messed up. He bio father could of seen her when he was alive but she didn't. Be the honest parent. No one lied but her. Get close to the bio family, see how she likes that. They will back you up in court.
Another fake AITA story. I think it's teenagers doing creative writing exercises. They are usually this poorly written.
God, I hope so. If this is real, it is heartbreaking.
Load More Replies... Completely nta, but also who made the poll? The correct option is that it's ok to leave since she destroyed his trust
Lots of ignorance of the law and hypocrisy against men in this. Facts are the woman is not a good person, the man is spiraling out of control and needs therapy, divorce court will mandate child support, and the mother needs to find a way to support herself . The fact that woman kept this secret until an anrgument erupted is telling.
So you don’t have ignorance of the law, then? Cite your source. Where do you get to say you have legal background knowledge that supports your incel ideology. Or is it more you DO know the law but don’t like the law so will lie about the law to try to force everyone into your corner? MY SOURCE until I retired I was a child support enforcement employee and then a training supervisor. I spent over half my time every month in the courtroom, side by side with legal counsel, hammering out back room deals, working special task forces to help non custodial parents improve their own lives to be better parents, dealing with negotiations to benefit the children, asking the court to punish those who ran away from obligations or become intentionally under employed to avoid paying support, determining paternity and parental obligation and much much more. Your turn. Where did you get your armchair degree? Judge Judy? People who worked in the real court systems recognize what a joke she is.
Load More Replies... When a woman's infidelity (with kid or kids) is exposed, everyone expects the "man" to be forgiving, understanding, and magnanimous and shut up and take it like a man. But if this role is reversed, the man who cheated is to be crucified, skinned alive and live in hell forever. Double standards much. In this case, the man is the victim here, and the kid is the collateral damage the mother has inflicted.
People are saying "he never loved her (i.e. the daughter)". Maybe, but considering that the wife was the one who threw it into his face, that could indicate the opposite. If he didn't love the daughter, why would the wife even mention this? She evidently doesn't want a divorce, and with the ease of DNA testing today, she should have expected that he would follow up. She was trying to hurt him, but the question is how? Because he loves his daughter, and she wants to hurt him by saying "nope, she's not your daughter", or because he doesn't. and the wife wanted to say "you're a loser, stuck with raising a kid who you don't love who isn't yours". I would say the former, because then the wife would feel that he wouldn't file for divorce, even of the daughter wasn't his.
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