Man Asks If He’d Be A Jerk To Ask Parents To Remove Their Child’s Memorial From His Property
Whether it comes as a great shock or not, losing a family member is always painful. So many of us choose to memorialize loved ones with something permanent to remember them by. This might be a place to visit or an item that we can hold and speak to; the important thing is keeping our relative’s memory alive.
But one man recently bought a home that has a memorial on his property, and now he’s wondering if it would be inappropriate to ask the family to relocate it. Below, you’ll find the full story that he recently shared on Reddit, as well as some of the advice readers gave him.
Roadside memorials are commonly used to remember those who lost their lives in car accidents
Image credits: Rick Obst / flickr (not the actual photo)
But this man is wondering if it would be possible to relocate a memorial that came with his recently purchased home
Image credits: Aleksandar Andreev / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: merk35802
“Victims of road death often feel as though the world moves on without them, and permanent roadside memorials can help alleviate this feeling of being forgotten”
Image credits: Artyom Kulakov / pexels (not the actual photo)
Nothing compares to the pain of losing a loved one, especially a child who should just be getting started in life. But sadly, car accidents claim the lives of 1.19 million people a year, the World Health Organization reports. Speeding, driving under the influence, driving distracted, failing to properly use seatbelts, unsafe road infrastructure and unsafe vehicles can all increase a person’s risk of being injured or killed from a car accident.
But no matter how common fatal traffic accidents are, they will never be any less painful for those who lose loved ones. So to cope with the grief, many people choose to create roadside memorials to honor their lost family members. To learn more about the significance of these memorials, we reached out to Seth Ludewick, Member and Supporter Administrator at RoadPeace.
Seth shared with Bored Panda that, “Everyone grieves differently, some may never want to see the site where their loved one died, and for others the site becomes an important place of remembrance. Victims of road death often feel as though the world moves on without them, and permanent roadside memorials can help alleviate this feeling of being forgotten.”
“[These memorials] can also serve as a reminder to motorists to drive safely and responsibly,” Seth explained. “RoadPeace believes victims have a right to a permanent roadside memorial, as bereaved families deserve to be treated with compassion and respect. In this case, we would encourage the landowner to consider the emotional significance of this site for the family, and try and find a compromise that respects their grieving process.”
The tradition of displaying roadside memorials has been around for hundreds of years
Image credits: Chris Bloom / flickr (not the actual photo)
One study reported that placing a memorial near an intersection reduced the rate of running red lights by nearly 29%. And when it comes to drivers’ thoughts when they see roadside memorials, 43% wonder how the accident occurred, 35% consider how dangerous driving is, 33% think about the fact that someone died, another third say they feel sadness, and a quarter of drivers consider the loved ones of the deceased.
According to Everlasting Memories, the tradition of placing memorials on the road where accidents occurred started over 200 years ago, with tiny white crosses, or “decansos,” popping up as a way to honor those who died. Today, however, families often place crosses, photos, candles, flowers, flags and more to commemorate their loved ones.
And while these memorials are generally allowed, it’s important to keep in mind state laws while creating a place to honor someone you’ve lost. Depending on where you live, there may be limitations on the size of memorial you can display, and you might even need a permit or registration to put up a memorial.
There could be a limited amount of time that you are allowed to display a memorial, and there might be environmental regulations to consider to ensure the memorial doesn’t create litter. Also, keep in mind the safety of other drivers or pedestrians who will be passing through, as well as how much maintenance the memorial will require. Everlasting Memories notes that laws exist surrounding these memorials to ensure that no one else is put at risk, drivers aren’t distracted and public and private property laws are respected.
It’s important to consider local laws and regulations before creating roadside memorials
Image credits: Michael Coghlan / flickr (not the actual photo)
Some states, such as New Jersey, are even considering alternatives to roadside memorials to honor those who have lost their lives in car accidents. To prevent memorials from taking over public property for personal use, Assemblyman Bob Andrzejczak suggests that the state create standardized signs that families can use, rather than makeshift memorials.
“The sign would have all the information that the family would like but it’s a more permanent structure. That way, you’re not having families stopping on the side of the road where it is very dangerous and continuing to put out things for their loved ones,” Andrzejczak told WHYY. “Not only that. For motorists that are driving on the road, it’s going to be an additional sign for them to say, ‘Hey, you know what, this is probably a dangerous area, there’s a memorial on the side of the road.’”
While it’s completely understandable for grieving loved ones to want a special place to go to to honor relatives that they’ve lost, the situation can become sticky when memorials fall on private property. We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation down below, pandas. Do you think this man is justified in wanting to relocate the memorial that’s now on his land? Feel free to share, and then if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article discussing memorials, look no further than right here.
Later, the homeowner provided more background information
Readers assured him that it was a reasonable request and shared suggestions for how to go about approaching the family
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I agree with many of the Reddit comments that say that a cemetery is the proper place for such a memorial, and not the private home of a stranger. It is very sad, of course, and should be handled with grace and kindness.
You've never been in the western US. They are all over the place. For decades. No lie. Some are elaborate crosses, some are plastic flowers zip tied to a sign post. I saw a teddy bear zip tied to a speed sign and some memorial below. I remember traveling through western Montana on a river road and LITERALLY saw over 50 fatality markers. So it's definitely very common. I think I'd leave it and plant some trees or hedge like was suggested.
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I have never understood the need to memorialise a place where someone died, surely it’s better to remember how they lived instead?
My dad took his own life in the spare bedroom at my parents house and I moved back home to support my mum. I moved into that bedroom and it was incredibly cathartic to me to be where he was last alive/died. I would sometimes talk to him. But then after a while it just became a horrible reminder. So I can see both sides. Grief can do funny things to people, especially when it's traumatic. I think the idea of the hedge is best; knowing how much a place like this can mean to people I think that it is the best solution for all involved.
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I agree with the Reddit comments that offer a tactful alternative to a memorial. After all, it IS on private property, and the maintenance falls on the property owner. If a privacy hedge isn't practical, it would be better to relocate the cross and any other tributes.
Yes, it's an incredibly sensitive situation, isn't it? Relocation or perhaps plant a rosebush or a shrub that has special meaning? I do agree that looking at a cross everyday is not my idea of a fresh start, but again, it's an incredible sensitive situation and I hope OP will be able to resolve it in a way that both parties feel validated.
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Roadside memorials or memorials to where people died is flat out weird to me. Ive lost a ton of good friends far too young and it would weird me out to no end if the memorial was visiting the tree where one hung himself or the rock where another OD'd and was left by his GF to die. I go to the cemetery to pay respects. Thats where you go.
I made a little memorial on a shelf in my home for my grandma :) just with some photos and her favourite Knick knacks, I like it a lot better than having to leave the house lmao 😅
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Sorry but a cemetery is made specifically for memorials, not just bodies. It sounds more like they're memorializing the tree
I find these memorials a bit morbid. My father died of a heart attack in a hotel bathroom in Virginia but I don’t go there to put flowers on the toilet
People saying NAH are wrong, there clearly is an a*****e here, and it is the realtor who didn't do their research and misled OP.
It's your property. We'd probably just remove it one night if the accident happened a a while ago and don't answer any questions about it. People will see it is gone and move on. They will generally assume the city did it. It's happened in my suburb a couple times. The homeowners leave the memorial for a couple weeks, then overnight one night it's gone. No known complaints or questions asked. Occasionally I used to see a couple teens sitting vigil at one spot, that's all. They don't appear upset about the memorial being gone.
might be awkward when they see the 4 foot cross in the trash on trashday.
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There something like that just up the road from my house. I'm not sure why it's allowed to be there as it's on public property, but they have a massive headstone with the person's name on it. And a bench with a metal arch thing and fake butterflies. It's for a 16 year old girl who was driving drunk and wrecked her car there. I've never understood why they don't have the headstone in a cemetery - it's been over 10 years now. But every once in a while I see a person who I assume is the girl's mom tending flowers or whatever at the spot. If I lost someone that way I don't think I'd want to keep visiting the spot where they died!
AFAIK all those memorials along the road have to be cleared with the local road/traffic/department whatever it's called.
I have huge empathy for the families but these roadside memorial creep me out. Why would anyone want to memorialize the place of the death; it seems misplaced. There is one of these about 1 mile/1.6 k from my house for three teen friend who died in a tragic automobile accident. The tree they hit died and had to be cut down. It's been 13 years and it's time the crosses and plastic flowers go away.
This is such an excellent idea for making money! You're sure to get thousands of people coming to see the haunting! Because you DO realize your house will be haunted AF, right? (JK, I don't believe in that stuff.)
For the first time ever most of the reddit comments are rational.
Find out who the family is. Ask them that maybe they move the memorial items to the burial site a maybe a small plaque can be staked in to the ground with the names an dates. Explain that you would give them 2-3 years for that. It would be small. They could come by an see it. Then they could move the items to the burial or their own property. Those are all around where I live too. Depressing seeing dirty rained or snowed on items an trash at most spots piled up. The loved ones either need to care for it or the home owners should be able to remove after a year past the incident. It won't be forgotten but the family's should be spoken to.
i understand why they're made, they're common here, but... they can become excessive and intrusive like in this case. there's one up the hwy from our place. i think about 16 years ago, a teen died, car accident and i don't know the details. it started off as a small cross at the side of the hwy and a few things here and there... now it's this whole elaborate thing about 8' across and 5' high etc. someone is visiting it very often, it's regularly cleaned up and it's right by a graveyard, like within 100' of one. i don't have issues with smaller crosses etc, but they should be standardized and limits placed on them at this point.
I've never understood why you would want to relive the loss and tragedy every year. Parts of my family have these types of gatherings yearly for a couple different people we've lost in the family. I don't even like to attend a funeral let alone a memorial yearly. It's like constantly ripping open a healing wound.
NTA, but it's going to be difficult to negotiate getting the memorial removed without being seen as one. It needs to be done sensitively - he could easily be an a*****e about it without intending to. He definately needs to speak with the family first, and give them the chance to take the memorial. Offering a substitute such as a garden, tree or bench, with a plaque, would be a good idea. Tactfully frame it as "I'm making changes to the property and I'll putting a fence/hedge/bushes/line of trees/garden in that area. I'd like to honor your son's memory with a plaque/tree/bench." and not "I don't like your memorial to your dead son being on my property, and I find it depressing." Offering for the friends and family to gather and have a dedication of the plaque, or plant the tree, might give them some sense of closure or transition to a different form of rememberance, and let them have ownership of the change, rather than it just feeling like the new owner is destroying their memorial.
The family's dramatic show of grief has been on someone else's private property for five years now. Time to quit the "see how totally devastated we are, you're a horrible person if you don't want our attention grab in your face every day" bit.
I don't think OP sounds like an AH at all, he sounds very sensitive to the feelings of the loved ones involved in this accident. But I can absolutely see his side of things as well. I lost a loved one in a drunk driving accident and tbh I don't like these roadside memorials. They only make me think of wreckage and pain. Why not move to celebrating and remembering your loved ones as they were in life? The things that made them laugh, the places that they enjoyed? I occasionally have to drive by where my friends accident took place and I hate thinking about what happened there. I just don't get the roadside memorial thing. OP is very justified in not wanting to look at a memorial on his property, and he may not even be a Christian (wanting to look at a large cross erected on his property). I would try to work with the family and if they absolutely feel the need to mark where their loved ones died, maybe come up with a less obtrusive way of marking it.
Our road is referred to as “Red Road” because of the red dirt on the sides. Technically it’s “Kalapana-Kapoho Rd” or even “Lower Puna Road,” “Kehena Beach Road” and due to the abundance of memorials such as in this story, “Dead Road.” It’s an extremely undulating very narrow road with zero street or house lights and has many blind curves. Which has caused many deaths and the memorializing of them. I’m not sure if it’s a cultural thing, but they’re all well-maintained & it’s considered “kapu” (taboo) to take them down. I guess I can see how it would be solemn reminder, but I use the one just before our property & between two mile markers as a direction landmark for people looking for the well-disguised road leading to our property. However, if it were a big cross & monstrosity on my property, it would be moved roadside without asking anyone.
My brother died in his house, which is right beside mine. My family recently sold It and the new owner has torn down his house (just yesterday, in fact) to start over with a new build. It's been incredibly sad for my family, but we're realizing we're way too sentimental and get too attached to material possessions. It will be nice to see what the could-have-been looks like. It will always be Clint's house, though, no matter who lives there.
Accident-site memorials always seemed odd to me. That's not where your loved-one is and it feels like glorifying the locations instead of the person to me. Despite that, it's important to some people. Were it my property, I would have offered the option to plant a little bush or something there or mark the spot in some natural way so the gaudy stuff could be removed, but the family could still have some comfort that there was some form of memorial there still.
NTA. My uncle was killed in a car accident after being struck by a drunk idiot when he was 24. My mom, who was in the car with him and nearly died herself, said they never put a memorial up where the accident took place because she remembers even 40 years later, exactly where it took place and she doesn't need to be reminded of it further.
Not an a*****e at all. Ask them nicely. If they refuse, carefully take it down and deliver it to them
The OP's problem is that this is a memorial to strangers. If he contacted the families and got to know more about the deceased victims as people, he might acquire a more personal investment in the tragedy. He then might be more comfortable with the monument because it now memorialized part of his experience too.
I would leave it alone. It means so much to the family. It's not a grave, there's no body there- it is not morbid at all. You can choose compassion and benevolence. How you react is a choice. Logically the presence of the memorial does nothing to interfere with a "fresh start". The familys' negative reaction is more likely to cast a pall on your new home and "fresh start" if you remove it. Instead of viewing it as a memorial of death, I would consider it a reminder of how lucky we are when we have family that love and cherishes us. And- if you let it go and leave it- how lovely it is to be part of a community that understands that people grieve differently and generously allows placements of these memorials. Next time the family visits, I would say hello and extend my condolences. Or if they appear upset then I would respectfully leave them be. You will probably find that they are lovely people.
did you miss the part where it's affecting the homeowner seeing this 4' cross and memorial every day on THEIR property?
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I agree with many of the Reddit comments that say that a cemetery is the proper place for such a memorial, and not the private home of a stranger. It is very sad, of course, and should be handled with grace and kindness.
You've never been in the western US. They are all over the place. For decades. No lie. Some are elaborate crosses, some are plastic flowers zip tied to a sign post. I saw a teddy bear zip tied to a speed sign and some memorial below. I remember traveling through western Montana on a river road and LITERALLY saw over 50 fatality markers. So it's definitely very common. I think I'd leave it and plant some trees or hedge like was suggested.
Load More Replies... I have never understood the need to memorialise a place where someone died, surely it’s better to remember how they lived instead?
My dad took his own life in the spare bedroom at my parents house and I moved back home to support my mum. I moved into that bedroom and it was incredibly cathartic to me to be where he was last alive/died. I would sometimes talk to him. But then after a while it just became a horrible reminder. So I can see both sides. Grief can do funny things to people, especially when it's traumatic. I think the idea of the hedge is best; knowing how much a place like this can mean to people I think that it is the best solution for all involved.
Load More Replies... I agree with the Reddit comments that offer a tactful alternative to a memorial. After all, it IS on private property, and the maintenance falls on the property owner. If a privacy hedge isn't practical, it would be better to relocate the cross and any other tributes.
Yes, it's an incredibly sensitive situation, isn't it? Relocation or perhaps plant a rosebush or a shrub that has special meaning? I do agree that looking at a cross everyday is not my idea of a fresh start, but again, it's an incredible sensitive situation and I hope OP will be able to resolve it in a way that both parties feel validated.
Load More Replies... Roadside memorials or memorials to where people died is flat out weird to me. Ive lost a ton of good friends far too young and it would weird me out to no end if the memorial was visiting the tree where one hung himself or the rock where another OD'd and was left by his GF to die. I go to the cemetery to pay respects. Thats where you go.
I made a little memorial on a shelf in my home for my grandma :) just with some photos and her favourite Knick knacks, I like it a lot better than having to leave the house lmao 😅
Load More Replies... Sorry but a cemetery is made specifically for memorials, not just bodies. It sounds more like they're memorializing the tree
I find these memorials a bit morbid. My father died of a heart attack in a hotel bathroom in Virginia but I don’t go there to put flowers on the toilet
People saying NAH are wrong, there clearly is an a*****e here, and it is the realtor who didn't do their research and misled OP.
It's your property. We'd probably just remove it one night if the accident happened a a while ago and don't answer any questions about it. People will see it is gone and move on. They will generally assume the city did it. It's happened in my suburb a couple times. The homeowners leave the memorial for a couple weeks, then overnight one night it's gone. No known complaints or questions asked. Occasionally I used to see a couple teens sitting vigil at one spot, that's all. They don't appear upset about the memorial being gone.
might be awkward when they see the 4 foot cross in the trash on trashday.
Load More Replies... There something like that just up the road from my house. I'm not sure why it's allowed to be there as it's on public property, but they have a massive headstone with the person's name on it. And a bench with a metal arch thing and fake butterflies. It's for a 16 year old girl who was driving drunk and wrecked her car there. I've never understood why they don't have the headstone in a cemetery - it's been over 10 years now. But every once in a while I see a person who I assume is the girl's mom tending flowers or whatever at the spot. If I lost someone that way I don't think I'd want to keep visiting the spot where they died!
AFAIK all those memorials along the road have to be cleared with the local road/traffic/department whatever it's called.
I have huge empathy for the families but these roadside memorial creep me out. Why would anyone want to memorialize the place of the death; it seems misplaced. There is one of these about 1 mile/1.6 k from my house for three teen friend who died in a tragic automobile accident. The tree they hit died and had to be cut down. It's been 13 years and it's time the crosses and plastic flowers go away.
This is such an excellent idea for making money! You're sure to get thousands of people coming to see the haunting! Because you DO realize your house will be haunted AF, right? (JK, I don't believe in that stuff.)
For the first time ever most of the reddit comments are rational.
Find out who the family is. Ask them that maybe they move the memorial items to the burial site a maybe a small plaque can be staked in to the ground with the names an dates. Explain that you would give them 2-3 years for that. It would be small. They could come by an see it. Then they could move the items to the burial or their own property. Those are all around where I live too. Depressing seeing dirty rained or snowed on items an trash at most spots piled up. The loved ones either need to care for it or the home owners should be able to remove after a year past the incident. It won't be forgotten but the family's should be spoken to.
i understand why they're made, they're common here, but... they can become excessive and intrusive like in this case. there's one up the hwy from our place. i think about 16 years ago, a teen died, car accident and i don't know the details. it started off as a small cross at the side of the hwy and a few things here and there... now it's this whole elaborate thing about 8' across and 5' high etc. someone is visiting it very often, it's regularly cleaned up and it's right by a graveyard, like within 100' of one. i don't have issues with smaller crosses etc, but they should be standardized and limits placed on them at this point.
I've never understood why you would want to relive the loss and tragedy every year. Parts of my family have these types of gatherings yearly for a couple different people we've lost in the family. I don't even like to attend a funeral let alone a memorial yearly. It's like constantly ripping open a healing wound.
NTA, but it's going to be difficult to negotiate getting the memorial removed without being seen as one. It needs to be done sensitively - he could easily be an a*****e about it without intending to. He definately needs to speak with the family first, and give them the chance to take the memorial. Offering a substitute such as a garden, tree or bench, with a plaque, would be a good idea. Tactfully frame it as "I'm making changes to the property and I'll putting a fence/hedge/bushes/line of trees/garden in that area. I'd like to honor your son's memory with a plaque/tree/bench." and not "I don't like your memorial to your dead son being on my property, and I find it depressing." Offering for the friends and family to gather and have a dedication of the plaque, or plant the tree, might give them some sense of closure or transition to a different form of rememberance, and let them have ownership of the change, rather than it just feeling like the new owner is destroying their memorial.
The family's dramatic show of grief has been on someone else's private property for five years now. Time to quit the "see how totally devastated we are, you're a horrible person if you don't want our attention grab in your face every day" bit.
I don't think OP sounds like an AH at all, he sounds very sensitive to the feelings of the loved ones involved in this accident. But I can absolutely see his side of things as well. I lost a loved one in a drunk driving accident and tbh I don't like these roadside memorials. They only make me think of wreckage and pain. Why not move to celebrating and remembering your loved ones as they were in life? The things that made them laugh, the places that they enjoyed? I occasionally have to drive by where my friends accident took place and I hate thinking about what happened there. I just don't get the roadside memorial thing. OP is very justified in not wanting to look at a memorial on his property, and he may not even be a Christian (wanting to look at a large cross erected on his property). I would try to work with the family and if they absolutely feel the need to mark where their loved ones died, maybe come up with a less obtrusive way of marking it.
Our road is referred to as “Red Road” because of the red dirt on the sides. Technically it’s “Kalapana-Kapoho Rd” or even “Lower Puna Road,” “Kehena Beach Road” and due to the abundance of memorials such as in this story, “Dead Road.” It’s an extremely undulating very narrow road with zero street or house lights and has many blind curves. Which has caused many deaths and the memorializing of them. I’m not sure if it’s a cultural thing, but they’re all well-maintained & it’s considered “kapu” (taboo) to take them down. I guess I can see how it would be solemn reminder, but I use the one just before our property & between two mile markers as a direction landmark for people looking for the well-disguised road leading to our property. However, if it were a big cross & monstrosity on my property, it would be moved roadside without asking anyone.
My brother died in his house, which is right beside mine. My family recently sold It and the new owner has torn down his house (just yesterday, in fact) to start over with a new build. It's been incredibly sad for my family, but we're realizing we're way too sentimental and get too attached to material possessions. It will be nice to see what the could-have-been looks like. It will always be Clint's house, though, no matter who lives there.
Accident-site memorials always seemed odd to me. That's not where your loved-one is and it feels like glorifying the locations instead of the person to me. Despite that, it's important to some people. Were it my property, I would have offered the option to plant a little bush or something there or mark the spot in some natural way so the gaudy stuff could be removed, but the family could still have some comfort that there was some form of memorial there still.
NTA. My uncle was killed in a car accident after being struck by a drunk idiot when he was 24. My mom, who was in the car with him and nearly died herself, said they never put a memorial up where the accident took place because she remembers even 40 years later, exactly where it took place and she doesn't need to be reminded of it further.
Not an a*****e at all. Ask them nicely. If they refuse, carefully take it down and deliver it to them
The OP's problem is that this is a memorial to strangers. If he contacted the families and got to know more about the deceased victims as people, he might acquire a more personal investment in the tragedy. He then might be more comfortable with the monument because it now memorialized part of his experience too.
I would leave it alone. It means so much to the family. It's not a grave, there's no body there- it is not morbid at all. You can choose compassion and benevolence. How you react is a choice. Logically the presence of the memorial does nothing to interfere with a "fresh start". The familys' negative reaction is more likely to cast a pall on your new home and "fresh start" if you remove it. Instead of viewing it as a memorial of death, I would consider it a reminder of how lucky we are when we have family that love and cherishes us. And- if you let it go and leave it- how lovely it is to be part of a community that understands that people grieve differently and generously allows placements of these memorials. Next time the family visits, I would say hello and extend my condolences. Or if they appear upset then I would respectfully leave them be. You will probably find that they are lovely people.
did you miss the part where it's affecting the homeowner seeing this 4' cross and memorial every day on THEIR property?
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