Someone Asks ‘What Do Kids With Helicopter Parents Look Like As Adults?’, And Here Are 30 Illuminating Answers
You've probably heard of helicopter parenting, an approach to raising kids where parents pay extremely close attention to their kids' lives, before.
The chances are you may even know someone who had their mom and dad become overly involved in their lives. You may have experienced it yourself. And while helicopter parents walk the fine line between wanting what’s best for their kids and making their childhood miserable, the practice is still rather common.
Recently, someone on Ask Reddit drew attention to this topic and asked people “What do kids with helicopter parents look like as adults?” The stories started rolling in one by one, and it’s an eye-opening and thought-provoking read you may want to pull your seat closer for.
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My older brother and I both moved out as soon as we turned 18. He moved to the opposite side of the country, I moved three states away. He still keeps low contact and is still on the East Coast. I came back home when I became homeless at 25 and noticed that while we were gone, my mother (the helicopter) had done a lot of soul searching and realized that her controlling nature pushed her kids away.
She's been in Co-Dependents Anonymous for almost eight years now, and I'm happy to say for the first time in my life I enjoy spending time with my mom. Took a bit, but I was able to transition out of low contact.
To find out more about helicopter parenting and how it affects the wellbeing of a child, Bored Panda spoke with Helen Marlo, a licensed clinical psychologist and Jungian psychoanalyst who provides psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, and consultation. Marlo is also a Professor of Clinical Psychology and the Department Chair at Notre Dame de Namur University. She frequently sees the deleterious effects of this kind of parenting in her clinical work, so she feels passionately about this topic.
Marlo explained that helicopter parenting is destructive because it is a self-involved style of parenting that lacks empathy. “It is dominated by relating through action which takes away from the parent genuinely engaging with the child. This parenting style prevents the child from experiencing which is, often, the best teacher in life.”
They tried to ground me after I came back from serving in the Marine Corps. Tried to take the keys to the car I own and prevent me from getting an education.
Told my mom she can pound dirt and told my dad that if he didn't fix himself and stand up to my overbearing mom, I'd never talk to the two of them again. Then I got in my car and drove off. I was homeless for a minute until I saved enough for an apartment.
You'd think that me moving out and being homeless instead of living with them would be the thing that made things click.
No.
About a year after my move-out, I'd reconnected with my family and agreed to take my mom to her aerobics class one day since her car was in the shop.
Well, I drive about 10 minutes before she lays into me about my life choices, etc. I pulled the car over, looked at her, and said, "Get out." She looked stunned. I just repeated myself and added, "Now."
She got out. I drove off to my apartment, played some Counter-Strike: Global Offensive, and she got her much-needed exercise.
My mom was a pretty bad helicopter mom. I'm 27. I was fortunate to have aunts and uncles who modeled a different kind of parenting when I stayed with them, and good friends in college/just after college who taught me a crash course in life. When I went to college, I couldn't make more than box mac and cheese. I couldn't drive. I had never done my own laundry. Phone calls paralyzed me.
Somewhere around age 20-21, it dawned on me that my mom was misrepresenting how scary being an adult was. She made everything more difficult for herself: paying bills by phone instead of automatically, double checking her checkbook by doing the math by hand first and then with a calculator, washing dishes by hand and then putting them in the dishwasher, letting laundry pile up and then doing 5 loads a day for two days.... etc etc.
When I payed my own taxes, filed my own FAFSA, unclogged my own drain, and just tried recipes without caring if I messed up, something clicked. You can give many things a try with minimal permanent consequences. Dumber people than me can cook, drive, vote, pay taxes, etc. So why couldn't I?
I now have two graduate degrees and am about halfway through a doctorate. I am happily married and do the bulk of the cooking and running the household. I can drive, even though I'm still a fairly nervous driver. I make phone calls all the time. I can have my advisors point out something I did wrong without having a meltdown. I kept a cat alive for two years and she's doing great.
I gave my mom's anxiety back to her and let her handle it. I'm doing just fine.
Anxious. Suffocated. Helicopter parents have this unrealistic expectations but refuses to accept that their children are now adults.
I'm 23. Last year I rented an apartment near work (I could finally breathe properly) but still I have to text her when I step out of the unit, when I reached the office, when my shift is done and when I finally got home.
If I forgot to text, or if my message didn't go through; she won't stop calling me until I answer. The signal in my apartment is poor so I really have to go outside to get a single bar. One time she kept calling me but I was asleep, and since there's almost no signal then I'm not receiving any of her calls. When I finally went out that's when my phone rang, she told me she's already on her way to my workplace just because I didn't answer her calls.
Now my hand shakes and my heart always drops when I hear a text or call. Even if it's not from her. That's how my mother is affecting me.
I recently heard that 'no' is a complete sentence. Blew my mind a bit.
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Change your phone number and go no contact. And yes, remember that "No" is a complete sentence. I wish you all the best of luck, you can do this and you will be stronger and better for it x
My sister is a diagnosed Narcissist, which makes extreme helicopter situations. When my niece moved out, despite how very much she wanted to, going no contact is really more difficult than those without control issues believe. When we tell people to simply go no contact what they fear is they can't as they need tons of information to survive 1 day in the world, and yet they have no idea what that information is. Why? Because they have been told their entire life only the mom (or whomever the helicopter is) knows it and the child isn't capable of learning what is needed. And anytime they make any tiny mistake they are belittled and it is reinforced how they are incapable and only mom can do it correctly. They don't even really have to make a mistake. Simply not doing something exactly like mom is wrong, even if the endeavor ends perfectly fine with the same outcome. For my sister, my niece opened a checking account by herself at 22. Before this, my sister had insisted she had to be on
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I dread calls from some family members because I feel my energy leaving me straight away
Yep, energy vampires! They will suck the very LIFE out of you!
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I text either my mom or my sister every day when I get in my apartment. I do this as a safety measure because my neighbor has been acting weird.
That's a very different situation. I make every effort to speak to my parents daily because we live too far away to see each other often, and they always want to know that I'm ok, especially since I've had a chronic illness since my teens and they like knowing what's going on in my life and vice versa. But I keep up this level of contact because I love, respect, and enjoy my parents immensely, not because they have control and boundary issues. I'm fortunate to have this so im grateful for them every day. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your family, as well, if you let them know you're safe and they want to make sure you're ok. 🤗 I obviously don't know the situation with your neighbor but from experience I can say to trust your gut, and if something is scaring you please trust that instinct. It's very rarely wrong. I would also let your landlord or another neighbor know you're having concerns. If nothing happens, great, but having someone else look out for you is a good idea. Be safe!🍻
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I’m agreeing with many comments here. Change your phone number, let your HR know that your mother is stalking you, and then let them know that they are to call the police and have her either escorted off the premises or arrested, their choice.
Give her a gentle ultimatum, but unmoving. If she won't back down, you're going to block her and she gets a call every Sunday.
I agree. Read everything you can on setting boundaries and stick to it. My mother got so bad I had to go no contact. It was to the point I had to account for everything I did--dishes, laundry, shopping. I told her that I was going to Walmart to buy toothpaste and when I got home (only gone an hour), I had 10 messages on my machine increasing in anger because I "took too long." I was in my 40's with a husband and child, living in our own home. Nip it in the bud now or you won't be able to do anything without her permission. I also recommend researching narcissistic personality disorder and getting therapy so you don't end up getting in relationships with the same type of people. Turns out when you're raised by someone controlling it feels normal so you don't notice when others are doing it to you until it's too late.
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I did my best to avoid 'helicoptering' my children as they were growing up. For the most part, I think I did okay. I got some words of wisdom from their grade school principal when my oldest was leaving that school and heading to junior high. She said, "Parenting is about learning to let go." She's right. Letting go comes in stages as they exit toddlerhood, and grow through childhood and the teenage years. If you've done things reasonably right, they're ready to 'fly' after high school.
Move out of the state and for the love of God don't tell her you are moving until it is done and you are safely away. She is sabotaging your success and will cause your life to implode. The anxiety she is causing you is intentional and is designed to cripple you so you fail and so you end up right back with her, having to depend on her. She will eventually turn to being a problem for the people in your life so much so that they will part company with you. She will sabotage your your mental state, your relationships, and, yes, even your career until you have no resources and nowhere to turn. Get out now, while you still can.
Move again as soon as possible, do not share your new location, and block her number. That's downright oppressive.
"Last year I rented an apartment near work (I could finally breathe properly) but still I have to text her when I step out of the unit, when I reached the office, when my shift is done and when I finally got home." NO YOU DONT
Same as Brandy P, but in a different phrase... NO NO NO... you need to change this. Go stay with your Brother and ghost her for a while. This is not normal. My heart aches for you, I had horrible parents but I got free. NO CONTACT... only way.
That is called harassment and you do not need or deserve this type of behavior from any person regardless of the relationship. If you can't block her, then get some therapy until you learn how to put the brakes on her behavior to you. Stop all communications. Make sure your HR department lets all guards know that she's not in the office. Make sure she understands that she cannot come near you and if she tries to do so then you will file a report with the police for harassment. I know this sounds so hard to do but with proper therapy you will become stronger.
I say this as the mom of five children ages 17 to 27...block her number! You don't need this stress. Take care of yourself. She's a grown woman and can deal with her own issues.
Time to just tell mom to leave you alone and block her number. At least for a while.
I grew up in a similar situation. I fixed my anxiety about texts and phone calls by leaving my phone on Silent and Do Not Disturb 100% of the time. I still do this to this day. It was uncomfortable at first but after a while I learned to enjoy the peace.
Seems like she has such an intense fear on her part that you won’t “need” her anymore that it results in these manipulative and suffocating behaviors. She needs to know you need still need her as mom, but as an adult it’s in a completely different way. Does she really feel good that this affects you physically? As mom, she shouldn’t. If that doesn’t matter, then she’s making it solely about her which isn’t good.
True that - this sounds more like a narcissistic or histrionic parent than a helicopter one. If mom is aware of the anxiety she is causing and continues to pull this, that is something they would pull. Either that, or guilt them into compliance by playing the victim and throwing everything they've done for you back in your face, claiming you don't love them and/or go out of your way to do things to irritate them... Sorry was projecting a bit there at the end *whew*
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You better tell your mother to stop or you will move to another state.
time for a restraining order. You do see how this is a trauma response right. You. Are. An. Adult! No! Also you will never get laid with a mother like that. Restraining order!! Pronto!
Yeah the shaking hands w/ dropping heart at the sound of a call or text - I felt that bit and is definitely over (other types of) trauma. Also, lol... Never get laid 😂😂
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It’s a shame some parents have to be so controlling. She’s suffocating him.
You need to get a new number, and a restraining order preventing her from coming to your home or work. If you want to stay in contact, have a second sim or burner phone just for her, and only turn it on once a day to check for messages. You need to set boundries and limit contact.
Mom, you’ll get a text one time a day. If you don’t like it- you’ll get a text on Sunday ONLY. That is your only choice. If you argue over those two options, I’m going to block your number. You’re being unreasonable & you’re causing issues. This is the only solution. The only input is you choosing one a day, or text on Sunday. PICK. It’s not easy. It’s HARD. But once you do this to your mom, you can work on yourself. Get the help you need to deal with this kind of behaviour. Setting the boundaries is necessary and it’s healthy.
OMG that sounds like my ex mother-in-law. My ex is an alcoholic and a drug addict because of her His brother moved out the minute he graduated highschool but still has to call his mother almost every day. Last month and out with his coworkers and didn't text her she called every police station and every hospital and he surrounding area. You have the right to your own boundaries stand up it'll be okay
You don’t HAVE to text or call her when she demands you too. Tell her how it’s affecting your life and if she doesn’t rein it in, block her.
I have a couple things to say. First off your an adult now. You've had to put up with her for years and weren't able to do anything because your were young. But now your an adult. My suggestion would be to tell her to stop calling and texting you constantly and that she needs to let you grow up. If all else fails block her number and run for the hills! Two, My grandmother who acted like a mom to me was the same way. Not only was she a helicopter "parent", but she was homphobic and sexist. And me being my Pansexual self was not great. So I just tuned her out. Every time she fat shamed me. Every time she made fun of me for buying a Valetines Day gift for my ex girlfriend. I just one day gave up. I didn't speak to her for a while. Even though she watched me while my dad was at work. I'm not 18 yet but would love just to leave and block her number. You have the opportunities. Please use them
So sad move away faraway far far away. I hope the life you are keeping doesn't kill you.
You dont HAVE to do anything. Tell her to back the f off or she won't be seeing you again
You know you can block and unblock a person on your phone. Give her boundaries, block her if she doesn't use them. Unblock her after a wile and restate boundaries. Repeat double time blocked each time and tell her thats whats going to happen
This might be the most rational response I have seen suggested so far. I like the concept - I am just wondering how reliant they might still be (financial independence is a lot different than affording rent somewhere else). Even more so for all the "move to another state"... do they realize how many resources that requires and what about all of their other relationships, job? Are they in school? It simply isn't that easy - I like your transparent, stackable offense solution
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One time in one of my early jobs we were doing stock take and my mum wanted to know what time I'd be home so at 9pm she rang the store number as my mobile was in my jacket. Thankfully it was a super small team of people but I was still so embarrassed
You are an adult and you need to take a stand. Do it now because it'll probably take a long time to completely phase out of this
Be strong, Be you!!!! It will take time if you give it, but you have got you!!! You took the steps forward by reaching out, just keep going forward,you've got this!! There is always going to be someone or something that tries to stop you but focus on the progress you have made! If you struggle in life know that you are supported!!!!
Good lord block your Mom's number NOW. Tell your boss that your Mom is stalking you and ask that she be kindly removed from the campus if she shows up. Send your Mom a letter that says you are an adult and until she can accept that you are going NC. If she insists on continuing contact, get an order of protection against her. Make a password with all your bills and have them put it on your account. Freeze your credit. Let your landlord know in case she tries to get your lease cancelled. Until you stand up on your hind legs this is going to be the best day of the rest of your life.
Mom needs therapy and possibly medication to deal with her fear and anxiety.
I'd move, change my number and just disappear. I think I've only spoken to my mom like once in the last year, I don't have much of a problem with her, were just 2 different people.
Yo you can file a restraining order. I went no contact and I swear it's like a whole weight lifted off my back. My life is so much better now. Please take care of yourself.
Get a no contact order. You have the right to peace of mind. I know that sounds harsh, but I've been there and you don't want to end up like I did. I wish I had gone that route the minute I left home. Knowing what I know now, I'd do it in a heartbeat bc it caused me years and years of grief dealing with my father treating me that way.
If she wants you in her life, she HAS to stop. I finally had to make it clear to my mother, that unless she was bleeding profusely or dying, she was not allowed to call me at work, and if she was fine, only once a day during OFF WORK hours. I don’t talk to my best friends and partner as many times a day as she wanted. We did not speak for two months, but she finally called and agreed that she had been calling too much and that she would behave. And she has. So much in fact that now, she is 86 and I have her living with me for the past 20 years. She just had to learn that no one needs to get called 10+ times a day… nor do they need to know every single thing you do in a day.
You should both be in therapy. Separately. And consider moving further away.
good time for restraining order. at 23, this is ridiculous beyond all reason
Change your address, phone number, and workplace as quickly as possible. Stop being a victim.
That is harassment if she kept calling knowing that he had a poor signal and may not have been able to answer her right away. I hope he got help before he developed PTSD and she got charged with harassment.
Moreover, helicopter parenting can be especially destructive “because it involves activities that may masquerade as forms of ‘good parenting,’ and involve actions that lead to greater outward success for one’s child,” Marlo argues. She added that this can make it a hard style for parents to modify.
According to the clinical psychologist, helicopter parenting involves actions which are, seemingly, on behalf of the child and their alleged needs. However, in reality, they “more often are motivated by the parent’s own anxieties, expectations, hopes, wishes, and needs.”
* Unwilling/unable to make decisions
* "I didn't do that because nobody directed me to"
* Doesn't take a single step without getting specific approval from someone
* No problem-solving ability whatsoever. Just waits around to be told exactly what to do
Friend of mine has a big time helicopter mom. He has never paid taxes, he’s 23 his mom handles everything. Recently he moved from his hometown to Austin so he can attempt to be an adult. His mom moved to Austin less than a week later. But other than that he’s the most depressed guy I know.
My best friend grew up with controlling, helicopter parents and there's a lot of things she never learned because they never taught her. My husband and I have been teaching her basic financial literacy because her parent's never helped her build credit, never let her have her own bank account, never let her apply for a credit card. They controlled everything so she ha to unlearn a mindset of spending any money you do have on hand ASAP.
She also struggled with honesty. In her household lying was second nature. The best way to get out of any problem was to lie. This caused a lot of problems for her because she would lie to fix things, cover things, and get out of things in her other relationship. That took a long time and a few destroyed relationships to really unlearn.
She also struggles with impulse control. She's much better now but she used to make a lot of bad choices simply because she could. She wouldn't stop to think through if it was a good idea or not.
We're in our late 20s and my husband and I have served as a lot of her safety net and support over the years. Her relationship with her parents and herself have gotten way healthier so now she's living on her own, supporting herself, and making smarter choices but oof, those early 20s were a rough time.
It’s important to understand that helicopter parenting is not just a mere parenting style, but that it can be intrusive and controlling of the child, their experience, and their self-expression. This self-involved style of parenting prevents the parent from seeing their child and from being conscious and attuned to their child’s needs.
Marlo told us that “it can interfere with the natural development and unfolding of one’s personality, coined by psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, as the process of, ‘going-on-being.’ When ‘going-on-being’ is impinged upon, it can lead to the development of a ‘false self.’”
Honestly just an anxious mess. Every job I've had I've been constantly afraid I'll mess something up and be a disappointment. It's honestly paralyzing.
Eventually when I got married I just kind of gave up on having a career and became a housewife. Still constantly anxious I don't measure up but at least my husband is willing to reassure me.
Read the book *The Coddling of the American Mind*, and/or the article in The Atlantic by the same name. Kids who were treated that way seem to have higher suicide rates and more depression, more anxiety, and an unusually poor ability to deal with conflict (hence the craze for "safe spaces" and cancel culture that is sweeping HR departments and universities the world over).
My wife has helicopter parents and I constantly have to argue with them. We are in our mid thirties.
When we visit they plan our itinerary to the 15 minute block. Stopping for lunch as a family is not allowed unless previously approved.
They have tentacles that reach out though churches to check on us. When my daughter was born a stranger to us came up to us in a restaurant, picked up our new born and walked away with her. I had to chase her down. She told me my wife’s mother had told her to do so. She was over a thousand miles away.
We attended their church once. Again, we are in NC and they were in Maine. A strange family came up and questioned why my wife uses a breast pump and told her it makes her less of a mother. There is no way they could have known without someone telling them.
My wife’s siblings are all struggling. Can’t do anything for themselves. I own their cars and they make payments to me, I pay for their car insurance.
During one medical emergency while I was at work the parents called their friends at church to go get my daughter and no one called me. When I finally heard from my wife we didn’t know where my child was. Grandma had control.
Marlo explained that, for example, “helicopter parenting can quash dimensions of the child’s personality and innate capacities, and foreclose emerging, influential experience, by preventing or intruding upon the child’s spontaneous behaviors as well as by sending strong messages about who the child should be, which often goes against their being and leads to the development of a false self.”
She added that helicopter parenting is a form of parenting that involves acting and doing in contrast to relating and understanding. “It consists of actions that can supplant and take away from communicating and being with the child.”
One of my cousins had the worst helicopter parents. Her mother took her to school and for the entire year, waited outside the classroom door while class was in session.
The next year she volunteered as a teacher's assistant for baby's class. This went on until baby graduated high school and applied for college - out of town.
Mom and dad sold their house and bought a new one in the town where baby was going to college. Twice. They did this twice.
Baby is a well-adjusted young lady. She's lovely, has a college degree and is in training to become a helicopter pilot. I'm not even kidding. The helicopter baby is becoming a helicopter pilot.
I dated a guy like this. I was 49 years-old, he was 57. He resented his parents, always complained about them. He could not make decisions, so never made one. It was up to me to make all the dating plans.
He was helpless in that he had no life skills. He was laid off from his mechanical engineering job and could no longer afford rent, so I took pity on him, and let him move in with me. He could not cook or clean and expected me to do all that work for him. Even after all that, he started resenting me, probably because he was so dependent on me.
I kicked him out and he's now living with his parents. That was 4 years ago and he's still there, still resenting them.
They go one of two ways usually. Either helicopter parents themselves, or completely wild childs that majorly screw up once they taste freedom.
I was #2, and it took a while to calm down.
Moreover, “a helicopter parent can mistakenly convince themselves that doing for their child or being anxiously preoccupied about their child is a form of engagement and love.”
We also asked the clinical psychologist and Jungian psychoanalyst what the children of helicopter parents are like. Marlo explained that they often “show a limited capacity for tolerating stress and they can become easily overwhelmed by stressors since helicopter parenting generally prevents them from having to face and cope with the usual stresses of life.”
When I was 18 I just left. They didn't have legal guardianship, they couldn't say s**t. Things were rocky for a couple of years but so worth the freedom. As I got married and had kids they tried to be controlling over them and my spouse and I set extremely firm boundaries and made it clear that they would never see any of us again if they played that game with me. I was about two seconds away from filing a restraining order when they finally got the message.
Unfortunately, I have to use their tactics against them and threaten extreme things in order to get them out of our personal lives. The one thing I took away from all of that is with people like that, you have to be willing to fight and accept that you may very well have to cut them completely out of your life.
My parents weren't [helicopter parents]. But a friend moved to a different state and got engaged, and my friend's mom still managed to be a helicopter parent. Visiting at least three times a month and contacting either her or her SO constantly.
It ruined the engagement because the significant other finally had enough [...] Even though my friend was annoyed with her mom as well, she couldn't cut her mom off completely... I don't know all the details, but it must have been superr annoying if someone was like, "I love you, but f**k having in-laws like this."
She is now single and has moved back home. It's unfortunate...
This is so sad. Her mom clipped her wings. "If you love someone, set them free" is true.
Really good liars because they had to master it at a young age.
Having a helicopter parent often leads a person to develop a sense of specialness and a feeling of entitlement, Marlo argues. “That is, they develop an expectation that they should be treated differently from others, and that others could and should do things for them, often, because they are so unique or special.” Moreover, they may develop a feeling of superiority, “often in compensation for feeling so inadequate, insecure, or useless because everything is being done for them,” she added.
The clinical psychologist also noted that while having a helicopter parent who takes care of everything can feel good in the moment, it can backfire. “The person often winds up feeling incompetent, useless, or without purpose and that leads to increased depression and anxiety.”
Failure to launch syndrome is something I mainly work with in my clients as a therapist. Lots of avoidance of conflict, not able to do basic life skills, executive functioning defects, and parents still overly involved in their lives well into adulthood.
I can answer this!
I'm scared of my parents, specifically my dad. I'm the youngest in my family and grew up conditioned to always be a delicate little flower who had to be protected at all costs. As I grew older and by them being particularly strict about what I could or couldn't do, my adult brain registered the 'couldnt do's as threats to my safety.
It's caused me a lot of issues. Here's a list-
- I have 2 separate personas around people. When I'm with friends, I swear a lot, I joke around, I deliberately try to p**s them off for a laugh. I'm not afriad to admit I enjoy playing video games or watch cartoons. Near my parents? I'm as quiet as a mouse. Even when I do speak near them I don't swear or try anything to bother them.
- I can't bring myself to update my social media where my parents can see it because I'm frightened they'll come in and tell me I have s bad opinion or I should delete my posts. If something minor is even put up, it gets taken down.
- As a result of being scared of my dad, I developed a severe anxiety disorder revolving around riding in his car as a passenger. If I'm carsick, he'll be mad. And that happens frequently. I'm getting better at not having a panic attack in his car. Gradually.
- They are so deluded in seeing me as a delicate little flower that they fail to encourage or acknowledge my real interest in playing video games. Like it's embarrassing to them. I do my best not to bother them by playing my games very discreetly.
- It's impolite to be loud. I listen to the TV at the lowest volume, I've trained myself to burp by like. Breathing it out through my nose so it's silent. People around me can belch loudly if they wanted. I don't know how to anymore. If I accidentally make any sort of unsavoury sound I have to apologize profusely.
- I'm afraid of the outside world at dark. Even at twilight. I was forbidden from riding a train home at 5pm to protect me from scary people. But now? I'm always frightened. It makes it difficult to go out in public at night without constantly being on edge. It's made people who are just having fun drinking with friends look like monsters who intend to kill me instead.
- ^^^ I'm too anxious to drink because I don't want to disappoint my parents AND all drunk people are dangerous and intend to hurt you.
I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist and both of them told me my mental health will improve drastically when I move out. They say right now, I am an independent adult...but I'm very much a robot conditioned at a young age to stay safe to the point of never really experiencing the world and learning to make mistakes so as a result I am always anxious and terrified of disappointing my parents.
My parents track my location at all times now. I’m 27.
That way they don’t call the cops if I don’t pick up within 30 min... which has happened multiple times. [...] I once fell asleep on the couch and my parents couldn’t get a hold of me for an hour. They concluded I had hit my head in the shower and died.
My parents are immigrants and only have me, so I’m not sure if that has to do with their anxiety.
Helicopter parenting often shapes subsequent relationships, including how the person relates to others and who they connect with in relationships. “In relationships, they may, for example, be drawn to someone who replicates a pattern of being intrusive and controlling, leading the person to become less competent, confident and more dependent.”
“Similarly, they may be drawn to others who treat them as special, which is not conducive to maintaining healthy, long-term relationships, particularly by failing to learn to manage inevitable human disappointments, limitations, imperfections, and boundaries,” Marlo concluded.
My ex has an overly doting mother. He couldn't crisis manage, troubleshoot or handle anything on his own. He also ONLY trusted her advice, I suggested something, he refused she suggested the same thing and he obliged. He lacked motivation to do better for himself, look for a better job, get our own place, etc because his mom always took care of him financially. He had no faith in his abilities or talent because he never had the chance to prove to himself he could handle anything.
Child free and an absolute f**k up and failure. Still trying to make up for lost time of my adolescence and I'm almost 30. I'd rather be dead some days.
Thanks for asking.
Anxious, never believing they're good enough, always feeling as if they're being watched and judged. Sheltered life so no experience of the real world because the parents taught them everyone is out to get them and they won't survive "out there". Might have one personality for the parents that's inoffensive and childish and one for everyone else. Terrified of making decisions or doing adult things.
The best thing I ever did for myself was to go to university too far from them to be able to live at "home" and refuse to move back in with them when I graduated. I don't think I'd have made it to 25 if I had to live under their roof again.
Huh. This one hit harder than I expected. XD Also add in though, that I wasn't allowed to ask for help because it would "be a burden" on someone else. So I got REAL good at learning by observation and extrapolation. But there's so much I still don't know because my parents never bothered to teach me. Going No Contact was the best thing I could have ever done though.
Kids with helicopter parents tend to become adults with helicopter parents. No boundaries are set so the parents never take a step back.
My husband deals with this with his mother. We make decisions as a married couple, then later everything changes after they talk to each other. Even situations dealing with our daughter, like I have no say even when he and I were on the same page before decisions were put into action.
He is so desperate to please his mom, he turns his back on me. When I confront him, he blames me for causing drama or being petty.
His mom acts like she is his wife and he lets it happen. It grosses me out.
My college roommate had a helicopter mom. It was so bad she brushed her hair herself for the first time in college. She couldn’t take care of herself. She had never spent a night away from home and she cried every night. She ended up dropping out after the first semester.
I had one working for me at an architecture firm as an intern. Gave her work that was slightly challenging for someone starting out (where she had to figure some things out on her own). Failed miserably. Resorted to giving her redlines to pick up— literally a print out of a drawing with red pen showing what needed to be changed— move this wall over 8”, fix this typo, etc. She finished about half of the changes and brought it back “done”. I went back and told her the way to track her work was to go over the red marks with a highlighter as she finished each change, to make sure she picked it all up. Still brought it back partly done, but with highlights indicating she had done all of it. Couldn’t understand why that was a problem. She wasn’t dumb, just couldn’t fathom that no one would be picking up after her, or that errors in the drawings could cost tens of thousands of dollars in lost time and materials down the line.
It all fell into place for me the second day, when she drove up in a new car her parents had bought for her (she had been driving it for a month). I had been thinking of getting a similar car, so I asked her what she thought of it. Was it designed well? We’re there any annoying features? All she could tell me was that the brakes were “sticky”. I kind of gave up on her after that. If she had been inexperienced but wanted to learn and asked questions and made an effort to get things right, I would have put in the effort to teach her.
I saw a post on relationship advice from a guy whose mum was a helicopter parent.
He was nearly 30 and still lived with her, she used to check his bank account and turn up to his work to make sure he was there. He'd never had a relationship and wanted advice on moving to new city and going no contact. Does this help?
Kudos to him!! I hope he accomplishes his goal of becoming his own person!
i’m 21 years old and my dad still tracks my location when i go out. if i hang out with my friends past midnight (pre-quarantine) he’d get mad and try to call until i left.
they’re also on my case about applying for a job, which i’ve been actively doing. they’re not necessarily supportive, they just think “she’s gotta do it.”
i live with them still so i never make phone calls while i’m in the house because they’ll walk in and interrupt me, asking who i’m talking to and what i’m talking about. it’s super embarrassing if the person on the other end hears them.
i have an entire separate “brand” of social media that they don’t know about because they follow all of my personal socials and always comment if i post something they don’t like, so i feel like i don’t have free range to post about certain things (sexuality is a big one but i don’t even like using bad language or talking about alcohol) even though i’m an adult and can make decisions for myself. vanishingpals allows me to post what i want and just be myself online. i’m still terrified they’re gonna find out about it someday.
i still feel like every decision i make revolves around them and their reactions. i don’t go shopping often, i don’t make plans with friends easily, i don’t use facebook because my dad still has my password and i hated using it after that. he tried to get my email password too, but i refused to give it to him.
my mom apparently comes into my room to check out my stuff either when i’m asleep or when i’m not there. she used to come in to check my phone for messages so i started shutting my phone off at night. (and i just found out my dad checks to see if i’m awake by using the Find My Friends app to see if my phone is on.) one time, she noticed something in my room and asked what it was. i told her i didn’t want her to know (because it’s private and mine) and she said “you know i’ll just come in when your not here and look at it.” i’ve never wanted to punch someone more, if i’m being honest.
this affected my brother too. he just got married without telling any of us (separate story, he had a good reason) and now he feels super uncomfortable talking to our parents about it because of this horrible helicopter thing they’ve done.
helicopter parents are the absolute worst and at times, it’s straight up abusive. i have absolutely zero sense of privacy and it’s honestly driving me over the edge. the lack of boundaries makes me not want to pursue anything they won’t like and i feel like i don’t have total free range or control of my life, even though i’m an adult who could handle everything on my own. i think they’re trying to keep me safe and secure? but it’s just invasive and the fact that they don’t even think twice about it (especially my mom; sometimes i call my dad out and he listens) just makes it especially horrible.
tl; dr: please don’t track your kids like this, i really, really, really hated it growing up and still have a space for resentment for them.
This might be unpopular, but I have never tracked my kids' phones or social media. I have taught them about the dangers out there...but I believe they need their space. I trust that they will make good decisions. I trust that they will communicate with me if they mess up. I have faith in them. I think that says a lot to them. I dunno. I'm certainly not a perfect mom...but I love my kids. I respect their autonomy.
They are unable to fend for themselves, have crippling anxiety, poor social skills, and a fear of failure. They have a hard time coping, are risk adverse, and generally can't make decisions.
Adults who rely on their parents to make decisions.
Note: this post originally had 88 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.
I had the opposite of a helicopter parent, I grew up with parental neglect so I will send you like having absolutely no life skills when I moved out of home at 17. I didn't know anything about opening a bank account and managing my money. I was always expected to f**k up and fail at everything; I was in my forties before I was finally diagnosed with Asperger's but I struggled with dyslexia, depression and anxiety and developed borderline personality disorder. I've worked extremely hard on myself over the years and I'm very proud of what I have achieved. I struggled with low self-esteem my whole adult life and it was only in my mid to late 40s that I discovered my own self-worth and recovered my self-esteem. My ex-husband had helicopter parents and it totally f****d him up. I think now he is a lot better off and doing something he enjoys. His father has passed away but his overbearing mother lives in a different country to him and he doesn't have much contact with her. Our daughter will be 21 next month and she has her head screwed on straight. She's smart and savvy and independent and has the life skills both her parents lacked at that age.
I had 1 of both, was a psychotic game of push and pull.
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I had a coworker buddy in her 30’s like that. One evening she came over to my place to make decorations for a work contest. While we waited for pieces to dry, we took my dog for a quick walk and bc it was a *quick* walk, left our phones. As we were walking back, I see my then husband waiting for us outside looking worried. He handed her the phone & said it was ringing non-stop. my heart sank thinking she had a family emergency hours away in her hometown, but nope. It was maybe 8pm and her mom was calling to make sure she was home and getting ready for bed. My friend lied and told her she was. This girl had issues for days and eventually I had to cut her out of my life. I believe her mom was controlling and expected perfection bc even though she had super low self esteem, anxiety and an eating disorder, she was ruthlessly competitive, unethical and a pathological liar. Who also semi-stalked her friends. And a quick, hot temper, blew up every time I tried giving advice.
With some ppl I first thought their parents were the problem. Goodness, why so controlling, treat him like an adult, but then it turned out that they had major problems, were very reckless and childish, some mental problems and I was like: maybe those parents also don't really have a choice to treat em like an adult. It was a bit of a mix, too controlling on one hand, but on the other hand a bit understandable.
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I have a friend with parents who are like half neglectful and half helicopter parents. They (my friend) are a very closeted enby ace who bought a pride flag at a camp we were at together and then panicked because they didn't know where to hide it. They have to deal with being constantly misgendered and deadnamed because they don't dare come out. They have autism and a physical disability and they do their best to hide their physical pain and their discomfort when their sensory needs are not met because their parents flip out on them for this. They are still a minor and have no way out. Their parents have threatened to slit the throats of their dogs if they leave. Not to mention while all of this is going on they get bullied a lot at school and elsewhere (relating to the autism and physical disability) so they have terrible self esteem
They're a close friend of mine and I've promised they can move in with me and my parents (their parents don't know where we live) whenever they can because honestly it's no way to live
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I remember watching a report many years ago on ABC News. It was when Peter Jennings was still alive and working there, and I was about...20/21 maybe? Anyway, they were talking about this "new phenomenon" of baby boomer parents (yes, they used that term) writing their children's college essays and applications for them, writing their resumes *and* attending their college and job interviews with their children. When I tell you I was sitting their slackjawed by what I was seeing and hearing. When asked why the parents were doing this, at least two of them said that they were just doing for their children what they wished their parents had done for them. Even at my still-green age, I knew that was a recipe for disaster.
My parents are. I moved back to my hometown at the start of 2020 because my husband got a good job. I had already been away for 10 years in another province to get away from them. Un the past nearly 3 years, nothing has changed. We moved into one of my dad's rental properties which turned out to be a big mistake. He actually repeatedly drives by the house to see if we're home and if he finds out my husband isn't working because he actually wanted a day off, my dad freaks out and threatens to raise rent, kick us out, insults my husband, ect. Just this week he threatened to sell the house and make me move back home and him on the streets. I will be homeless before I spend a single day at their house. Everytime I spend any time with them, they just go on about what a disappointment I am, and get mad that I don't come by as often. Why would I? It took me ten years to find my confidence and independence and they destroyed it in two.
My husband and I are now looking for a new place at any price. It's safer to pay more money than to constantly have that over our heads, and knowing my dad can't come over whenever he wants. In a year, we plan to leave again, he's already working on a transfer request and my job allows me to work wherever as they would fly me to my location every rotation. This was the last straw, I am done with my family. Trust me, there's so much to this.
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I (they/them) am too anxious about my parents reaction to come out about my gender. My mum is incredibly homophobic - i came out as bisexual at 14 with a girlfriend and she rejected me. At 19 realised I was also nb and have never told her. Coming home I know now she likes (surprisingly) my girlfriend; but hates my sexuality. I will never tell her who I am. I was homeless for three months because of my sexuality and I can't do that again.
I'm so sorry you can't share things like that with her. Whether you do or don't is up to you, but just know that you are valid and you deserve to be yourself no matter what anyone says.
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Very few of these stories were about actual helicopter parents. Mostly this was about extreme control.
21 years old, was actually raised by my grandparents (who where originally helicopter parents to my aunt, uncle and mother and was the same way to my sister and I). Moved out at 18 and I'm glad I went low contact.
I'm going to try to keep this brief because it is pretty long and complicated. I didn't have helicopter parents, but a helicopter grandparent. I moved in with my grandmother because she asked me to, didn't want to live alone. After I moved in and with my daughter, I was a single mom, I noticed she was doing everything she could to undermine my parenting and try to be my daughter's mom. This went on for a few months and all my family would point out that she needed to back off, she wouldn't listen. Finally, over Christmas, my daughter wanted to spend a few days with my parents and my grandmother says "absolutely not", completely shocking my surrounding family. My daughter looks at my grandmother and says, "I was asking my MOM!" My grandmother was taken aback and my family applauded. After that, my grandmother must have figured out she wasn't an authority over my child or me and backed way off.
Glad to see some happy endings. But these stories make me appreciate my own parents. I thought they worried too much until I became a parent myself. I've realised that it wasn't always my potential actions and decisions they were worried about; it was often the potential actions and decisions of the people I might encounter. I often wonder how my parents managed life with four kids when my only child gives me a run for my money.😂
I have a cousin who still lives at home at 27 despite having an education and a well paying, full time job. Her mother is so controlling that she steals her phone to read through her messages and calls her at work, sometimes multiple times per day. Every time she leaves the house she has to say where she going, with who, to do what, and when she’ll be back. Her mom didn’t like her last boyfriend so they weren’t allowed in the house alone, she wasn’t allowed in his house, and there were no overnights or trips permitted. When she wants to take extra work hours, she has to call and ask her mom if it’s okay, and if mom thinks she’s lying about who she’s out with, she’ll call while they’re out and ask to talk to the other person. It’s really sad.
I'm 44 and have almost ZERO social skills. I have no friends because I was never allowed them growing up because my mom didn't think anyone had good enough parents. I bought the house that she chose across the street from her so she could keep an eye on me because she knew I'd fail at everything. I had no idea how to manage money or pay bills because money wasn't talked about because it was none of our business. I wasn't allowed to apply for college because my mom didn't want anyone to see what a stupid, failure I was. I can tell a believable lie at the drop of a hat, because that was normal life for me growing up. I'm anxious, depressed, and nearly paralyzed by doubt because every time I try something I'll probably fail. I know failure isn't bad, but my psyche doesn't believe that. How my husband puts up with me most days I just don't know.
My family was always strange. They've always supported my interest in things and have always been verbally encouraging, but their actions are very different than their words. My mother tells me she values my privacy and my right to be autonomous-- yet, if I leave the house she always has to know where I am and if I don't tell her, she gets mad and tells me she's just "afraid for my safety." When I was attending University, I made the realization that that specific kind of education wasn't what I wanted to do and decide to switch to an INCREDIBLY COMPETITIVE trade school (hence why I haven't gotten in yet), and when I told my mother this she requested multiple times I move home in the meantime. When I finally did, she seemed happy that i was there, under her roof, but her husband has started to try to control me again like he did before. He started making comments about me not having a job about two weeks after i moved back, making incredibly rude comments to me about it, despite the fact that two years ago, while waiting to see if he'd gotten a specific position, he was jobless for three months and just played video games on the couch and made my mom work overtime so she could support three children instead of two. He was always an a*****e to me and I've told her multiple times that I hate him, but she's always told me that "you don't hate him you're just mad."
I'm pretty sure she just gaslight herself into believing she's happy with him because she's terrified of being alone.
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Do they that have helicopter parents, ever ask their parents about why they act like that?
The whole idea that cancel culture is new is ridiculous. Cancel culture has been around for as long as culture has. If you go against culture, you’re canceled, it’s just in the past that meant being burned at the stake or similar! The only difference now is that it appears to be right wing conservatives that get canceled, and that’s what is new.
Not sure if I had a helicopter mom or not. I just know that I was raised by a narcissist, a legitimately diagnosed by professional psychologist narcissist. A lot of this is relatable and some of it is not. My mother ignored me, a lot, and helicoptered my older brother. When he moved out she turned her attention to me (he was 7 years older than me) but I was already so use to being ignored that any attempt to control caused violent and significantly disruptive reactions. She put me in therapy and everything was my fault. If a therapist sided too much with me I ended up with a new one. I didn't go to summer camps or a lot of field trips while in school. It wasn't until I was in high school and I got selected for a summer student UN program that I got to travel without her, but I had to contact her daily and every penny spent had to be accounted for. My DL and 1st job came after I moved out. Yet, I spent a lot of time alone. All cooking and housekeeping chores were my responsibility, but I knew nothing else like banking or credit. But the great at lying part, I was. I got therapy as an adult and really immersed myself into Buddhism. It's helped, but I have ingrained issues.
I was 34 and pregnant with my 4th child. It was 9 pm and I was running to the store to get baby wipes. The store was within walking distance but I drove because I was so pregnant. My mother called me a "dare devil" because I was going out sooo late and "anything can happen." I can't make this up. Nothings changed. She tries to control every aspect of my life, including the hours I work, the vehicle I drive, what I eat, even what I think (she gets mad if I don't agree on something). I work overnights and she calls me repeatedly every morning when I get off work to make sure I'm on the way home. She's driving me insane. I give my kids way more freedom but of course she has a say in that too. I hear, "If I were you, I'd...." a million times a day. I've never been free to make my own decisions without her approval. But I can't cut her off without cutting off my father. She's not a terrible person, she just refuses to let me be ME.
I can relate to somethings in this post but issue is not my parents, it's me. I came to try and live with my boyfriend to see if away from my parents I would magically no longer need support, but despite what some conservatives say that's not how life or disabilities work sadly. No matter if parents are not around, or even if my life depends on it, I won't suddenly become less disabled. This really striked me hard when I watched in horror someone brake my glasses because they didn't see it there and I just couldn't bring myself to stop them. Glasses are currently around 2k in my country. And I could stop them, I just couldn't. Then I proceeded to have a hard shutdown over it and get myself stuck alone in an airport in the middle of nowhere and unable o ask how to leave, my dad had to call the f*****g airport. It hurts like hell to depend on others for everything, I've tried beating the functionality into me, I've tried going away from my parents but nothing works.
I feel like a bird who longs to fly more than anything else, but I was born without wings.
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My best friend was helicoptered to death (so to speak). His parents wanted to control EVERYTHING, from what kinds of posters he had on his bedroom walls to what kind of clothes he was allowed to wear (they'd throw his stuff away). His father would even choose the frame of his glasses. They were never tech savvy, so at least there wasn't any GPS tracking craziness (but I'm sure they would absolutely do it if they knew how). Lots of common things with many of the stories mentioned above, so I won't mention these things. But one of the biggest way they destroyed his life was leading him to believe he's useless and can't do anything. When he was a young adult he wanted to work, or move to a different country (he had even made plans for work and a place to stay) and they were like "oh no, that's not for you, you can't do it" every time. Now he's 45 and his mother is calling him useless/worthless and condemns and ridicules him for not having a job. He was suicidal when we met.
I (53), am the youngest of 4 children and the only girl... and my parents were not helicopter parents at all. 2 of my brothers never moved out. Although my parents had their own house, they didn't have much money. It helped that my brothers stayed and helped with the running costs. After my parents died about 20 years ago we had to sell the house... and now we (my 2 brothers, my son and I) live there for rent. The problem is that my oldest brother never really learned how to manage money. He never had to pay rent or make sure that running costs were paid regularly and on time. The result: At almost 60, he is still struggling with his finances. He is in debt, reminders keep coming and the bailiff is there at least every 3 months. He cannot be relied on financially in the slightest... which puts a lot of stress on me, my son and my other brother. We split the cost and he keeps failing to pay his part of the cost. How do you kick your own brother out of the lease?
My parents aren't helicopter parents but they have access to basically all my stuff. Passwords, phone location, bank accounts, etc. There's a couple reasons for it: a) they helped me set up most of my stuff when I was younger b) when I turned 18 I didn't go change those things to lock them out. I trust them not to abuse my privacy and resources. I know how to make decisions on my own and take care of myself, but I'm still gonna ask for help occasionally because I'm still young and dumb. Also, I will text/call my mom to let her know where I'm going/what I'm doing pretty regularly because I want someone to know if I'm off by myself somewhere unusual or if I'm out with friends because the world is dangerous, and I don't want to run the risk of being hard to contact/locate if something does happen.
so my mother may be a helicopter parent.. or at least controlling. she is really controlling of my hair ("out of your eyes. I need to see your whole face") and my clothes, even though she claims she's cool with anything. she really doesn't like when I do what I want when I have a mental breakdown, and she tries to fix the fact that I protect my brother's by yelling at me when I help them. Am I wrong? I want to think I'm wrong.
The hair thing I'll never understand. Do parents forget that it grows back if you cut it? And for the clothes and stuff that makes sense up to a certain age. And don't forget your brother is her son too. She might just be worried about him being able to help himself without you someday. But maybe talk with her about the yelling. My mom and I ended up going to therapy together about something similar, and she hasn't yelled at me since, and we figured out how to talk things out.
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Definitely my aunt to my cousin. My favorite example: when she was...25ish, she was getting married and I was in town as her MoH. We'd been running around, doing errands etc etc etc and finally ended up at her moms house for a break. Her mom told us that "little girls still need to be home and in bed by 10:30 or else they'll be too tired to get married tomorrow." She and her new husband lived in their own place for almost a year before moving back in with her mom for almost 5. They paid a bit of rent and for their own food. He finished school, got a great job and they're officially launched now. They're about to hit their 14yr anniversary :)
I had the opposite of a helicopter parent, I grew up with parental neglect so I will send you like having absolutely no life skills when I moved out of home at 17. I didn't know anything about opening a bank account and managing my money. I was always expected to f**k up and fail at everything; I was in my forties before I was finally diagnosed with Asperger's but I struggled with dyslexia, depression and anxiety and developed borderline personality disorder. I've worked extremely hard on myself over the years and I'm very proud of what I have achieved. I struggled with low self-esteem my whole adult life and it was only in my mid to late 40s that I discovered my own self-worth and recovered my self-esteem. My ex-husband had helicopter parents and it totally f****d him up. I think now he is a lot better off and doing something he enjoys. His father has passed away but his overbearing mother lives in a different country to him and he doesn't have much contact with her. Our daughter will be 21 next month and she has her head screwed on straight. She's smart and savvy and independent and has the life skills both her parents lacked at that age.
I had 1 of both, was a psychotic game of push and pull.
Load More Replies... I had a coworker buddy in her 30’s like that. One evening she came over to my place to make decorations for a work contest. While we waited for pieces to dry, we took my dog for a quick walk and bc it was a *quick* walk, left our phones. As we were walking back, I see my then husband waiting for us outside looking worried. He handed her the phone & said it was ringing non-stop. my heart sank thinking she had a family emergency hours away in her hometown, but nope. It was maybe 8pm and her mom was calling to make sure she was home and getting ready for bed. My friend lied and told her she was. This girl had issues for days and eventually I had to cut her out of my life. I believe her mom was controlling and expected perfection bc even though she had super low self esteem, anxiety and an eating disorder, she was ruthlessly competitive, unethical and a pathological liar. Who also semi-stalked her friends. And a quick, hot temper, blew up every time I tried giving advice.
With some ppl I first thought their parents were the problem. Goodness, why so controlling, treat him like an adult, but then it turned out that they had major problems, were very reckless and childish, some mental problems and I was like: maybe those parents also don't really have a choice to treat em like an adult. It was a bit of a mix, too controlling on one hand, but on the other hand a bit understandable.
Load More Replies... I have a friend with parents who are like half neglectful and half helicopter parents. They (my friend) are a very closeted enby ace who bought a pride flag at a camp we were at together and then panicked because they didn't know where to hide it. They have to deal with being constantly misgendered and deadnamed because they don't dare come out. They have autism and a physical disability and they do their best to hide their physical pain and their discomfort when their sensory needs are not met because their parents flip out on them for this. They are still a minor and have no way out. Their parents have threatened to slit the throats of their dogs if they leave. Not to mention while all of this is going on they get bullied a lot at school and elsewhere (relating to the autism and physical disability) so they have terrible self esteem
They're a close friend of mine and I've promised they can move in with me and my parents (their parents don't know where we live) whenever they can because honestly it's no way to live
Load More Replies... I remember watching a report many years ago on ABC News. It was when Peter Jennings was still alive and working there, and I was about...20/21 maybe? Anyway, they were talking about this "new phenomenon" of baby boomer parents (yes, they used that term) writing their children's college essays and applications for them, writing their resumes *and* attending their college and job interviews with their children. When I tell you I was sitting their slackjawed by what I was seeing and hearing. When asked why the parents were doing this, at least two of them said that they were just doing for their children what they wished their parents had done for them. Even at my still-green age, I knew that was a recipe for disaster.
My parents are. I moved back to my hometown at the start of 2020 because my husband got a good job. I had already been away for 10 years in another province to get away from them. Un the past nearly 3 years, nothing has changed. We moved into one of my dad's rental properties which turned out to be a big mistake. He actually repeatedly drives by the house to see if we're home and if he finds out my husband isn't working because he actually wanted a day off, my dad freaks out and threatens to raise rent, kick us out, insults my husband, ect. Just this week he threatened to sell the house and make me move back home and him on the streets. I will be homeless before I spend a single day at their house. Everytime I spend any time with them, they just go on about what a disappointment I am, and get mad that I don't come by as often. Why would I? It took me ten years to find my confidence and independence and they destroyed it in two.
My husband and I are now looking for a new place at any price. It's safer to pay more money than to constantly have that over our heads, and knowing my dad can't come over whenever he wants. In a year, we plan to leave again, he's already working on a transfer request and my job allows me to work wherever as they would fly me to my location every rotation. This was the last straw, I am done with my family. Trust me, there's so much to this.
Load More Replies... I (they/them) am too anxious about my parents reaction to come out about my gender. My mum is incredibly homophobic - i came out as bisexual at 14 with a girlfriend and she rejected me. At 19 realised I was also nb and have never told her. Coming home I know now she likes (surprisingly) my girlfriend; but hates my sexuality. I will never tell her who I am. I was homeless for three months because of my sexuality and I can't do that again.
I'm so sorry you can't share things like that with her. Whether you do or don't is up to you, but just know that you are valid and you deserve to be yourself no matter what anyone says.
Load More Replies... Very few of these stories were about actual helicopter parents. Mostly this was about extreme control.
21 years old, was actually raised by my grandparents (who where originally helicopter parents to my aunt, uncle and mother and was the same way to my sister and I). Moved out at 18 and I'm glad I went low contact.
I'm going to try to keep this brief because it is pretty long and complicated. I didn't have helicopter parents, but a helicopter grandparent. I moved in with my grandmother because she asked me to, didn't want to live alone. After I moved in and with my daughter, I was a single mom, I noticed she was doing everything she could to undermine my parenting and try to be my daughter's mom. This went on for a few months and all my family would point out that she needed to back off, she wouldn't listen. Finally, over Christmas, my daughter wanted to spend a few days with my parents and my grandmother says "absolutely not", completely shocking my surrounding family. My daughter looks at my grandmother and says, "I was asking my MOM!" My grandmother was taken aback and my family applauded. After that, my grandmother must have figured out she wasn't an authority over my child or me and backed way off.
Glad to see some happy endings. But these stories make me appreciate my own parents. I thought they worried too much until I became a parent myself. I've realised that it wasn't always my potential actions and decisions they were worried about; it was often the potential actions and decisions of the people I might encounter. I often wonder how my parents managed life with four kids when my only child gives me a run for my money.😂
I have a cousin who still lives at home at 27 despite having an education and a well paying, full time job. Her mother is so controlling that she steals her phone to read through her messages and calls her at work, sometimes multiple times per day. Every time she leaves the house she has to say where she going, with who, to do what, and when she’ll be back. Her mom didn’t like her last boyfriend so they weren’t allowed in the house alone, she wasn’t allowed in his house, and there were no overnights or trips permitted. When she wants to take extra work hours, she has to call and ask her mom if it’s okay, and if mom thinks she’s lying about who she’s out with, she’ll call while they’re out and ask to talk to the other person. It’s really sad.
I'm 44 and have almost ZERO social skills. I have no friends because I was never allowed them growing up because my mom didn't think anyone had good enough parents. I bought the house that she chose across the street from her so she could keep an eye on me because she knew I'd fail at everything. I had no idea how to manage money or pay bills because money wasn't talked about because it was none of our business. I wasn't allowed to apply for college because my mom didn't want anyone to see what a stupid, failure I was. I can tell a believable lie at the drop of a hat, because that was normal life for me growing up. I'm anxious, depressed, and nearly paralyzed by doubt because every time I try something I'll probably fail. I know failure isn't bad, but my psyche doesn't believe that. How my husband puts up with me most days I just don't know.
My family was always strange. They've always supported my interest in things and have always been verbally encouraging, but their actions are very different than their words. My mother tells me she values my privacy and my right to be autonomous-- yet, if I leave the house she always has to know where I am and if I don't tell her, she gets mad and tells me she's just "afraid for my safety." When I was attending University, I made the realization that that specific kind of education wasn't what I wanted to do and decide to switch to an INCREDIBLY COMPETITIVE trade school (hence why I haven't gotten in yet), and when I told my mother this she requested multiple times I move home in the meantime. When I finally did, she seemed happy that i was there, under her roof, but her husband has started to try to control me again like he did before. He started making comments about me not having a job about two weeks after i moved back, making incredibly rude comments to me about it, despite the fact that two years ago, while waiting to see if he'd gotten a specific position, he was jobless for three months and just played video games on the couch and made my mom work overtime so she could support three children instead of two. He was always an a*****e to me and I've told her multiple times that I hate him, but she's always told me that "you don't hate him you're just mad."
I'm pretty sure she just gaslight herself into believing she's happy with him because she's terrified of being alone.
Load More Replies... Do they that have helicopter parents, ever ask their parents about why they act like that?
The whole idea that cancel culture is new is ridiculous. Cancel culture has been around for as long as culture has. If you go against culture, you’re canceled, it’s just in the past that meant being burned at the stake or similar! The only difference now is that it appears to be right wing conservatives that get canceled, and that’s what is new.
Not sure if I had a helicopter mom or not. I just know that I was raised by a narcissist, a legitimately diagnosed by professional psychologist narcissist. A lot of this is relatable and some of it is not. My mother ignored me, a lot, and helicoptered my older brother. When he moved out she turned her attention to me (he was 7 years older than me) but I was already so use to being ignored that any attempt to control caused violent and significantly disruptive reactions. She put me in therapy and everything was my fault. If a therapist sided too much with me I ended up with a new one. I didn't go to summer camps or a lot of field trips while in school. It wasn't until I was in high school and I got selected for a summer student UN program that I got to travel without her, but I had to contact her daily and every penny spent had to be accounted for. My DL and 1st job came after I moved out. Yet, I spent a lot of time alone. All cooking and housekeeping chores were my responsibility, but I knew nothing else like banking or credit. But the great at lying part, I was. I got therapy as an adult and really immersed myself into Buddhism. It's helped, but I have ingrained issues.
I was 34 and pregnant with my 4th child. It was 9 pm and I was running to the store to get baby wipes. The store was within walking distance but I drove because I was so pregnant. My mother called me a "dare devil" because I was going out sooo late and "anything can happen." I can't make this up. Nothings changed. She tries to control every aspect of my life, including the hours I work, the vehicle I drive, what I eat, even what I think (she gets mad if I don't agree on something). I work overnights and she calls me repeatedly every morning when I get off work to make sure I'm on the way home. She's driving me insane. I give my kids way more freedom but of course she has a say in that too. I hear, "If I were you, I'd...." a million times a day. I've never been free to make my own decisions without her approval. But I can't cut her off without cutting off my father. She's not a terrible person, she just refuses to let me be ME.
I can relate to somethings in this post but issue is not my parents, it's me. I came to try and live with my boyfriend to see if away from my parents I would magically no longer need support, but despite what some conservatives say that's not how life or disabilities work sadly. No matter if parents are not around, or even if my life depends on it, I won't suddenly become less disabled. This really striked me hard when I watched in horror someone brake my glasses because they didn't see it there and I just couldn't bring myself to stop them. Glasses are currently around 2k in my country. And I could stop them, I just couldn't. Then I proceeded to have a hard shutdown over it and get myself stuck alone in an airport in the middle of nowhere and unable o ask how to leave, my dad had to call the f*****g airport. It hurts like hell to depend on others for everything, I've tried beating the functionality into me, I've tried going away from my parents but nothing works.
I feel like a bird who longs to fly more than anything else, but I was born without wings.
Load More Replies... My best friend was helicoptered to death (so to speak). His parents wanted to control EVERYTHING, from what kinds of posters he had on his bedroom walls to what kind of clothes he was allowed to wear (they'd throw his stuff away). His father would even choose the frame of his glasses. They were never tech savvy, so at least there wasn't any GPS tracking craziness (but I'm sure they would absolutely do it if they knew how). Lots of common things with many of the stories mentioned above, so I won't mention these things. But one of the biggest way they destroyed his life was leading him to believe he's useless and can't do anything. When he was a young adult he wanted to work, or move to a different country (he had even made plans for work and a place to stay) and they were like "oh no, that's not for you, you can't do it" every time. Now he's 45 and his mother is calling him useless/worthless and condemns and ridicules him for not having a job. He was suicidal when we met.
I (53), am the youngest of 4 children and the only girl... and my parents were not helicopter parents at all. 2 of my brothers never moved out. Although my parents had their own house, they didn't have much money. It helped that my brothers stayed and helped with the running costs. After my parents died about 20 years ago we had to sell the house... and now we (my 2 brothers, my son and I) live there for rent. The problem is that my oldest brother never really learned how to manage money. He never had to pay rent or make sure that running costs were paid regularly and on time. The result: At almost 60, he is still struggling with his finances. He is in debt, reminders keep coming and the bailiff is there at least every 3 months. He cannot be relied on financially in the slightest... which puts a lot of stress on me, my son and my other brother. We split the cost and he keeps failing to pay his part of the cost. How do you kick your own brother out of the lease?
My parents aren't helicopter parents but they have access to basically all my stuff. Passwords, phone location, bank accounts, etc. There's a couple reasons for it: a) they helped me set up most of my stuff when I was younger b) when I turned 18 I didn't go change those things to lock them out. I trust them not to abuse my privacy and resources. I know how to make decisions on my own and take care of myself, but I'm still gonna ask for help occasionally because I'm still young and dumb. Also, I will text/call my mom to let her know where I'm going/what I'm doing pretty regularly because I want someone to know if I'm off by myself somewhere unusual or if I'm out with friends because the world is dangerous, and I don't want to run the risk of being hard to contact/locate if something does happen.
so my mother may be a helicopter parent.. or at least controlling. she is really controlling of my hair ("out of your eyes. I need to see your whole face") and my clothes, even though she claims she's cool with anything. she really doesn't like when I do what I want when I have a mental breakdown, and she tries to fix the fact that I protect my brother's by yelling at me when I help them. Am I wrong? I want to think I'm wrong.
The hair thing I'll never understand. Do parents forget that it grows back if you cut it? And for the clothes and stuff that makes sense up to a certain age. And don't forget your brother is her son too. She might just be worried about him being able to help himself without you someday. But maybe talk with her about the yelling. My mom and I ended up going to therapy together about something similar, and she hasn't yelled at me since, and we figured out how to talk things out.
Load More Replies... Definitely my aunt to my cousin. My favorite example: when she was...25ish, she was getting married and I was in town as her MoH. We'd been running around, doing errands etc etc etc and finally ended up at her moms house for a break. Her mom told us that "little girls still need to be home and in bed by 10:30 or else they'll be too tired to get married tomorrow." She and her new husband lived in their own place for almost a year before moving back in with her mom for almost 5. They paid a bit of rent and for their own food. He finished school, got a great job and they're officially launched now. They're about to hit their 14yr anniversary :)
