“I Messed Up And I Ruined My Marriage”: Husband Is Shocked Wife’s Life Is Way Better Without Him
Interview With Expert
Becoming a parent can alter your entire world. Moms and dads often talk about the immense love that they feel for their children that they didn’t even think was possible prior to having kids. But having a child is also likely to impact the relationship between two parents, for better or worse.
One man recently shared on Reddit how having a baby led to the downfall of his marriage. Below, you’ll find the full story detailing all of the regrets this father is now having, as well as conversations with Nia Williams, Relationship Therapist and Life Coach from Miss Date Doctor, and Dr. Kathy McMahon, President and Founder of Couples Therapy Inc.
Becoming a parent can completely change a person’s life
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko / pexels (not the actual photo)
Unfortunately for this man, it led to his wife realizing that she didn’t need him around anymore
Image credits: Arina Krasnikova / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Taryn Elliott / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Puzzleheaded_No3393
“It’s very common for couples to experience challenges in balancing responsibilities after the arrival of a baby”
To learn more about how relationships between parents tend to change after introducing a baby into the mix, we got in touch with Nia Williams, Relationship Therapist and Life Coach from Miss Date Doctor. Nia was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and share her thoughts on this situation.
“It’s very common for couples to experience challenges in balancing responsibilities after the arrival of a baby,” the expert noted. “This period often brings significant changes to the dynamics of a relationship, as both partners navigate the demands of caring for a newborn while juggling other responsibilities. The adjustments can indeed take a big toll on the relationship as couples may find themselves feeling so overwhelmed, exhausted, and stretched thin becoming so irritable.”
“Sleep deprivation, changes in routine, and shifting priorities can all contribute to heightened stress levels and potential conflicts between partners,” Nia continued. “However, it’s essential to recognize that these struggles are a normal part of the transition to parenthood and very standard for the process, and with open communication and mutual support, couples can navigate this period successfully with no issues.”
One huge mistake that the father in this piece made was ignoring his wife when she informed him that he wasn’t pulling his weight. “Listening to your partner when they express concerns about unequal distribution of responsibilities is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship,” Nia shared. “Ignoring or dismissing their feelings can lead to resentment and further strain the relationship.”
“To address this, it’s important to engage in honest and empathetic communication. This involves actively listening to your partner’s perspective, acknowledging their feelings, and working together to find solutions that feel fair and balanced for both parties,” the expert continued.
Image credits: William Fortunato / pexels (not the actual photo)
“By fostering a sense of teamwork and mutual respect, couples can prevent resentment from building up and strengthen their bond in the process”
“Changing behavior to ensure equitable participation in caregiving tasks is key. This may involve dividing tasks more evenly, being proactive in offering help, and being mindful of each other’s needs and limitations,” Nia explained. “By fostering a sense of teamwork and mutual respect, couples can prevent resentment from building up and strengthen their bond in the process.”
We were also curious if the expert was familiar with the idea that single parenting may be easier for some individuals. “While it’s not universally true, some moms may find that single parenting brings certain advantages or a sense of relief compared to being in a strained or unsupportive marriage,” Nia told Bored Panda.
“The reasons for this can vary widely and depend on individual circumstances. Single parenting may offer a greater sense of autonomy and control over decision-making, as well as the ability to establish routines and parenting styles without the need for compromise,” the therapist explained.
“Additionally, some mothers may find that they experience less conflict and emotional strain when they are solely responsible for caregiving, particularly if they were previously in a challenging or unsupportive marital relationship,” Nia noted.
“However, it’s essential to recognize that single parenting also comes with its own set of challenges and stresses, including financial strain, lack of support, and feelings of loneliness,” she continued. “Ultimately, the experience of single parenting versus being in a marriage is highly subjective and influenced by various factors unique to each individual.”
Image credits: Helena Lopes / pexels (not the actual photo)
“Balancing the demands of a new child with work, chores, self-care, and the relationship itself often pushes couples to their limits”
We were also lucky enough to get in touch with Dr. Kathy McMahon, President and Founder of Couples Therapy Inc. Dr. McMahon took the time to write detailed advice that this father could definitely benefit from hearing. “What did you do? You put your own needs at the center of the universe while you were married, and believed you were more valuable than you actually were,” the therapist shared. “That lack of insight into how harmful your behavior actually was provided a painful outcome for you.”
“Your story is a heartbreaking but important cautionary tale for many couples struggling to adapt to parenthood,” Dr. McMahon continued. “As a clinical psychologist, I can assure you that the challenges you and your ex-wife faced are very common. It sounds like when you were married, you got a lot of free time, and left your wife with very little.”
When it comes to finding an equitable split of responsibilities with your spouse, Dr. McMahon recommends determining how many minutes or hours each person gets to have absolutely no responsibilities for childcare. “That might mean leaving the house for many young mothers,” she explained. “Who gets to sit on the couch after dinner? Who gets to take a Friday night for dinner with friends? Who has to ‘ask’ for the other to ‘babysit’ vs. ‘inform’ the other where you’ll be and when? These are all power dynamics around free time.”
But Dr. McMahon noted that “naptime” isn’t actually free time because babies unexpectedly wake up. “Think of it as ‘secondary time’ if you must, and add that into the equation,” she added.
The expert acknowledges that the transition to having a baby is one of the most stressful periods for a couple. “Balancing the demands of a new child with work, chores, self-care, and the relationship itself often pushes couples to their limits,” she noted. “It’s sadly not unusual for this strain to take a heavy toll, as it seems to have done in your case.”
“One key insight from renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman is the importance of the ‘friendship system’ in a marriage,” Dr. McMahon says. “This refers to the positive regard, affection, and mutual support between spouses. Gottman went so far as to do a ‘sexy pin-up calendar’ for women showing hunky guys doing housework and childcare! His point was that this behavior is sexy and attractive to women because it shows respect and friendship.”
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION / pexels (not the actual photo)
“Focus on being civil, cooperative, and supportive of her as a fellow parent, regardless of what the future holds for your relationship”
This friendship can quickly be eroded when one partner feels the other isn’t pulling their weight. “This leads to a dynamic Gottman calls ‘Negative Sentiment Override,’ where even neutral interactions get viewed through a negative lens because so much resentment has built up,” Dr. McMahon continued.
“At this point, with your soon-to-be ex-wife experiencing you as more of a burden than a helpmate, it makes sense that she would find single parenting comparatively easier,” the therapist added. “She no longer expends energy being disappointed by or arguing with you. This in no way excuses your behavior, but perhaps provides some insight into her perspective. Think back on exactly why she has ‘one less problem without you.’ While it might not help you for this relationship, it will be crucial in any future love affairs.”
Going forward, Dr. McMahon encourages this father to take full responsibility for developing his parenting and household management skills. “Babies do gradually become more independent, which will ease the intensity over time, but the early years are universally demanding,” she explained. “Parenting classes, books, and support groups for single dads could be immensely helpful as you build your childcare abilities. And try not to shift your adult burdens onto your growing child. As the saying goes, they never asked to be born.”
“Remember too that your son is in daycare during your weeks, so you do have some windows to rest, complete chores, and catch up on work,” the expert noted. “It may help to sit down and make a realistic schedule for yourself. Bedtimes are often erratic in a new home. Once you learn how to create a soothing bedtime routine, you may find more time to yourself in the evenings.”
In terms of this dad’s relationship with his ex-wife, Dr. McMahon says the most constructive thing he can do is consistently show up as a capable, involved co-parent. “Apologize sincerely for your past failings without any expectation that it will change her mind.”
“If you do still love and miss her, express your regret for not being a true partner and your wish that you had done things differently, making it clear that you respect her decision,” the expert continued. “Focus on being civil, cooperative, and supportive of her as a fellow parent, regardless of what the future holds for your relationship.”
“My heart goes out to you in this painful time. Please be compassionate with yourself as you navigate these challenges and changes,” the therapist writes to the father. “Commit yourself to being the best father you can be and trust that if you put in the difficult work of growth and healing, you and your son will come through this stronger.”
It’s unfortunate that the man in this story learned his lesson too late to save his marriage, but we can only hope that he’ll learn how to balance all of his responsibilities for the sake of his child. We would love to hear your thoughts on this story in the comments below, pandas. Then, if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article discussing a similar situation, look no further than right here.
Readers shared their brutally honest reactions to the situation, as well as suggestions for the father
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Ok. I don't usually like AITA posts but they got me. "It doesn't require a vagina to be efficient ". I lmao in my little hospital bed. It reminded me of the time my pastor's wife, upon him turning to her and asking while in the hand shaking exit line at church, "BTW, where is *whatever object I can't remember *?" And she scorched back, " I will never understand why you think an uterus is a homing device!" And stomped off!
Your pastors wife is my new hero. In a similar vein, We once had a house full of people for a birthday. My young son spilled some water and I told him to wipe it up. He went to the cupboard, grabbed a cloth and made a very half assed swipe over the water. I interjected that he wasn't really trying. MIL said "Oh, he's just a boy. They're not really good at this kind of thing". Before my brain could engage with my mouth out came the words "He's not cleaning it with his penis". MIL: shocked pikachu. My husband simply offered our guests more coffee. My son made more effort and managed to wipe the water up *on his own*. lol
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Husband: “Your life will be so much harder without me.” Wife: “My life is so much easier now that I don’t have to clean up after your useless @$$.” Husband: “Wait….what???”
I like to think that his own place is a mess not just from falling behind when baby is there (which is what he implies) but because his s**t stopped "magically" putting itself away for him.
Right!? This guy gets a whole week when he can get chores done uninterrupted, that's more than most parents.
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I had to stop at "she expected me to know what to do without telling me". Yes. Because you are a full on, actual adult. Not a child. If it was something really specific that doesn't usually happen, like "The lightbulb exploded and I need you to vacuum it up because I'm changing the baby", fine. Typical chores and parenting duties? Nope. Figure it the f*ck out.
My partner once woke me at 3am to ask me why he could smell toilet cleaner... PROBABLY because I used toilet cleaner to clean the toilets WAY back before bed time. Fvck forbid he just get up and go check for himself. I wish there wasn't such a trope for men being "useless" but when the confirmation bias lives in the same house? It's been quite an uphill battle to try and keep a fair mindset.
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Hmm, couldnt do chores before hand and now he's blaming the kid and tiredness on not doing them now. Sounds like someones just a deadbeat....
What OP WILL do is start dating and find a woman that will take over the care of HIS child. OP is a bad parent, a horrible partner, and kind of a shi&&y person. OP expected his wife to be his mommy as well, instructing him on how and what needed doing. Good for his soon to be ex, she is much better off without him. If OP doesn't find a baby mommy/maid, he will stop parenting and let the ex have full custody, then he will turn up and be Disneyland Daddy.
The sad part is, that he was probably raised to be like this by a woman. I will never understand that mindset and it‘s why I tell women to raise their sons like they would like their husbands to be. If you don‘t like your husband not helping, teach your son how to do it. If you don‘t like your husband to leave the toilet sest up, tech your son to pee sitting… and so on. NOT so your son can take your husbands place, BUT to raise a good next generation of men and good future husbands to their future wives! This is a cultural thing by the way
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Would love to be able to reach thru my phone and slap the 7 colours of shïte out of this døuchebag!
It's clear from his post that he still hasn't accepted half the responsibility for being married and a parent. At best he'd only have done small tasks when she asked for the tenth time. Even now he's only a single parent half the time and he can't handle it!
I feel no sympathy because whilst he realises being a parent is hard work, it still doesn’t sound like he cares about his wife, child or marriage. There is no mention about missing his wife or what is best for their son. He wants to get back together to make his life easier. If he could afford to he”d choose to have his son for less time.
Load More Replies... But clearly this dude was useless before the baby was born. Why did she think he would magically change after the baby? Ladies, do not breed with a who won’t do chores! A baby will not improve this situation!
Women hold onto more power then they realize. The power to create future generations. So stop f*****g losers! You can, choose your child's father. Sorry if you don't like the truth people..
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This story sounds oh so familiar. Not because of the baby or divorce but the fact that, more often than not, the woman of the household won't get any help unless she dictates what needs to be done. For some reason, dudes can't see the myriad of cleaning projects and chores and nothing will get done unless a woman gives him a to-do list. I struggle with this same shìt in my own home. Part of sharing household obligations shouldn't involve women holding the hands of, seemingly, clueless men. If women can create a never-ending list of shìt to be done, men are equally capable, or they're just dragging their partner down.
How vulgar is he that he pays so little attention to all her efforts he never notices what she is doing and has to be told what to do after how many weeks then months of her running around him working her a*s off going to and fro? Was the latest Netflix or inet game that absorbing your whole life you never noticed what it took to keep a house clean and care for a small child? You probably went nuts trying to figure out how to start a washing machine or vacuum when you got the apartment and what does that tell you?
WTF do you do? You learn your harsh lesson and get it together. Sounds like you're a manchild and that your wife was already taking care of a child before ever having the baby. Doesn't look good on you when her life improved and got easier without you.
Please, please, I seriously hope this person read the answers he received, and realised exactly where he had gone wrong. If he uses the information from the answers, he will hopefully make good improvements in his life, and that of his baby.
Slime flows through the path of least resistance. So long as he can find others to pull him up by his own socks, he'll keep on that path.
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Soon to be ex wife isn't having trouble because it's similar to what she was doing before he left.... I doubt he can save the relationship, but it would be a good idea to sit down with her, apologize for being a d!ck, and work on cooperative parenting. Also would be good for both of them to work on support systems so that they can both cope. Finally, he needs to understand that this isn't forever--the kid will grow up and have a mind of his own, and be able to take care of himself. You're exhausted now, but it won't always be like that--enjoy the little one while he's small.
Daily chores,cooking, shopping and planning, appointments, daycare or school, extracurricular activities, parenting and quality time - all this while working and trying to look at least put together if not lean and beautifull and still stay polite. Women have a lot on their plate. There is a term married single parent, when you have kids and man-child with you. So there is easier to take care of one less person. If a person you live with does not try to mach your effort or to divide burdens as honesty as possible given abilities maby the "love" you get is not worth having that extra burden. Silly husband. There is a lot more like him I hope others will learn that lesson
The fact that he didn't say to himself, "wow I'm struggling with this kid half the time and my wife was doing this full time and working, it was really hard on her and I was so wrong not to step up." Says a lot about his character. He still doesn't realize and it's only thinking of himself.
I bet he knows how to look up cheats, etc., on video games. I'd be embarrassed to admit that I didn't know what to do when raising a child in the age of the internet & Google. But I guess his laziness outweighed his shame. Most women I know start reading up on babies at least when they get pregnant, if not before.
My SO has Aspergers. We could be living in a bomb crater and he wouldn't notice...BUT, he's willing to help and just needs to be told what to start on, or he'll be wondering from room to room, doing a minute of this and 5 mins of that. He's not dumb, just doesn't actually notice tasks.
My husband is like this. We think he's on the spectrum, but he's never been officially diagnosed and is now old enough that we don't think it would help that much.
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Lol! She literally had a kid with an old a*s kid. No girlfriend/wife on this planet should be mothering a grown a*s man they're f*****g (I'm NOT sorry). Good for her to leave so he can get that "you can be replaced... quickly" card slammed on the table. These FAFO's (f**k around & find out) wake up calls are amazing lately. 😄
I'd love this post to be given to each person in any couple that is expecting.
Better yet, to couples that are just beginning to plan family expansion? Even if that family expansion is a puppy instead of/before a baby.
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This reminds me of the story by some chump who called his ex a "deadbeat". He demanded she not get an abortion, then she signs over 100% custody to him, AND she makes support payments for a kid she never wanted. And because she's not taking part in raising the kid (again, which she never wanted), the loser calls her a "deadbeat".
That silly person. Deadbeats are the ones who skip out on even making payments after pretending they wanted to be a parent. He turned her into his surrogate which means that REALLY, her responsibility could have reasonably ended after she delivered his baby.
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Welcome to adult hood my good man. you went from mommy to wife mommy and now you have to grow up. Maybe in your next marriage you wont pa wn your troubles on to your wife and make her life hell.
Maybe. None of us should hold our breath on that.
Load More Replies... Oh I love this! Good on her! I just hope the kid will not suffer due to this arrangement. OP sounds really incompetent.
I split custody with my ex. Being a single parent isn't that hard honestly. She was very lazy and didn't do much until after the divorce, so nothing really changed. This guy probably just sucks at life in general. I've found that most parents who complain about child rearing just kind of suck at everything, exceptions being if your child is a special needs or something.
I think being a single parent with full custody would be extremely challenging but this guy literally has 2 weeks a month to himself and still can't handle it. Plus, he wants to give those 2 weeks up...that's really sad, I feel bad for the kiddo.
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Lots to unravel. 1. You never thought to apologize to your wife 2. You don't say that you miss her or miss being a family 3.You wrote about how difficult it was for you to carry the load of a child and work two weeks out of month. Not once did you mention how difficult it could be for your wife (although you did kind of hope she was struggling too) 4. You are not mature enough to be a father....but you are 5. Get your s**t together and get off your high horse, and make your son proud 6. You thought you could just take back what you said, you thought it was all about chores and childcare...You were wrong. It was a complete lack of respect for the woman you married, the pain you caused, and because you're a selfish git 7. Now you know
Damn. Everyone nailed it. She doesn’t tell you what to do - you do what needs to be done. All you need to do is clean up what isn’t clean, wash laundry that I hasn’t been washed, or say “I’m going to do XXXXX today.” If your spouse is already doing that, you’ve started a conversation about what needs done. It’s not rocket science.
Aaaaah the FAandFO is real, isn't it. You drained that woman physically, mentally and emotionally and thought she was going to continue to accept your c**p. Such an unhealthy marriage because of you a, "man-child" who never grew up and learned how to take care of himself and be accountable. Now you're wife, ex I hope, is moving forward and doing great while you whine about how hard it is. Now you know it's not a game...adulting and being a parent is hard work and selfless. I pray your wife continues to grow and thrive....without the added dead weight. Namaste
He's having trouble on his own because there's still no one to tell him what to do.
I'm curious how either of them manage with the kid *and* work. At 14 months old he obviously needs childcare, he can't just be left alone while they work. So they must be getting childcare somehow. As for the rest of it, sounds like he didn't actually do a fair share of the basic housework/chores/shopping before the kid so didn't realise what was actually involved.
This will irritate a few Pandas, but I blame the wife a bit. She let him get used to her being the maid before the baby. Women, listen up! You are the wife, not the mother, not the maid! If he is not helping out, why not? Who is doing all of the work, and why? These little things need to be straightened out in the first year of living together, not after the baby comes. Have the hard discussions and split up the chores! Having him take the trash to the street once a week does not equal doing the dishes every day! I cook, you clean! or I'll pull kitchen duty today, you pull it tomorrow. Do not expect him to jump in to help the minute the baby comes home. AND, do not expect your way to be the only correct way! Whether it is doing dishes or changing the baby, the results matter, not the exactness of action. If you are constantly complaining about how he does stuff then he will quit doing stuff. Does his complaining about how you do the laundry make you want to do it his way? Of course no
So she's wrong...for expecting her husband...to be an adult? I guarantee you, she asked him for help before and either got worthless help that she had to go back and redo afterwards, or she got ignored. And she probably didn't want to leave because society -claims- that any relationship is better than being single (which she just disproved, to her benefit). Even IF you're right, it was still HIS responsibility to step up, and he didn't.
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So, I gotta ask, how do women end up married to men like him? Were there no red flags as to how useless or incompetent he was before getting married? It seems a lot like Op just wants a maid/nanny with bedroom benefits!
Sounds so familiar... my kid's father was like that, with not one week of two, not even every second weekend, but two hours a week. It was indeed much easier for me once he moved out. But he didn't manage to pull himself together. He's just spiralled into alcohol until he died.
Ok. I don't usually like AITA posts but they got me. "It doesn't require a vagina to be efficient ". I lmao in my little hospital bed. It reminded me of the time my pastor's wife, upon him turning to her and asking while in the hand shaking exit line at church, "BTW, where is *whatever object I can't remember *?" And she scorched back, " I will never understand why you think an uterus is a homing device!" And stomped off!
Your pastors wife is my new hero. In a similar vein, We once had a house full of people for a birthday. My young son spilled some water and I told him to wipe it up. He went to the cupboard, grabbed a cloth and made a very half assed swipe over the water. I interjected that he wasn't really trying. MIL said "Oh, he's just a boy. They're not really good at this kind of thing". Before my brain could engage with my mouth out came the words "He's not cleaning it with his penis". MIL: shocked pikachu. My husband simply offered our guests more coffee. My son made more effort and managed to wipe the water up *on his own*. lol
Load More Replies... Husband: “Your life will be so much harder without me.” Wife: “My life is so much easier now that I don’t have to clean up after your useless @$$.” Husband: “Wait….what???”
I like to think that his own place is a mess not just from falling behind when baby is there (which is what he implies) but because his s**t stopped "magically" putting itself away for him.
Right!? This guy gets a whole week when he can get chores done uninterrupted, that's more than most parents.
Load More Replies... I had to stop at "she expected me to know what to do without telling me". Yes. Because you are a full on, actual adult. Not a child. If it was something really specific that doesn't usually happen, like "The lightbulb exploded and I need you to vacuum it up because I'm changing the baby", fine. Typical chores and parenting duties? Nope. Figure it the f*ck out.
My partner once woke me at 3am to ask me why he could smell toilet cleaner... PROBABLY because I used toilet cleaner to clean the toilets WAY back before bed time. Fvck forbid he just get up and go check for himself. I wish there wasn't such a trope for men being "useless" but when the confirmation bias lives in the same house? It's been quite an uphill battle to try and keep a fair mindset.
Load More Replies... Hmm, couldnt do chores before hand and now he's blaming the kid and tiredness on not doing them now. Sounds like someones just a deadbeat....
What OP WILL do is start dating and find a woman that will take over the care of HIS child. OP is a bad parent, a horrible partner, and kind of a shi&&y person. OP expected his wife to be his mommy as well, instructing him on how and what needed doing. Good for his soon to be ex, she is much better off without him. If OP doesn't find a baby mommy/maid, he will stop parenting and let the ex have full custody, then he will turn up and be Disneyland Daddy.
The sad part is, that he was probably raised to be like this by a woman. I will never understand that mindset and it‘s why I tell women to raise their sons like they would like their husbands to be. If you don‘t like your husband not helping, teach your son how to do it. If you don‘t like your husband to leave the toilet sest up, tech your son to pee sitting… and so on. NOT so your son can take your husbands place, BUT to raise a good next generation of men and good future husbands to their future wives! This is a cultural thing by the way
Load More Replies... Would love to be able to reach thru my phone and slap the 7 colours of shïte out of this døuchebag!
It's clear from his post that he still hasn't accepted half the responsibility for being married and a parent. At best he'd only have done small tasks when she asked for the tenth time. Even now he's only a single parent half the time and he can't handle it!
I feel no sympathy because whilst he realises being a parent is hard work, it still doesn’t sound like he cares about his wife, child or marriage. There is no mention about missing his wife or what is best for their son. He wants to get back together to make his life easier. If he could afford to he”d choose to have his son for less time.
Load More Replies... But clearly this dude was useless before the baby was born. Why did she think he would magically change after the baby? Ladies, do not breed with a who won’t do chores! A baby will not improve this situation!
Women hold onto more power then they realize. The power to create future generations. So stop f*****g losers! You can, choose your child's father. Sorry if you don't like the truth people..
Load More Replies... This story sounds oh so familiar. Not because of the baby or divorce but the fact that, more often than not, the woman of the household won't get any help unless she dictates what needs to be done. For some reason, dudes can't see the myriad of cleaning projects and chores and nothing will get done unless a woman gives him a to-do list. I struggle with this same shìt in my own home. Part of sharing household obligations shouldn't involve women holding the hands of, seemingly, clueless men. If women can create a never-ending list of shìt to be done, men are equally capable, or they're just dragging their partner down.
How vulgar is he that he pays so little attention to all her efforts he never notices what she is doing and has to be told what to do after how many weeks then months of her running around him working her a*s off going to and fro? Was the latest Netflix or inet game that absorbing your whole life you never noticed what it took to keep a house clean and care for a small child? You probably went nuts trying to figure out how to start a washing machine or vacuum when you got the apartment and what does that tell you?
WTF do you do? You learn your harsh lesson and get it together. Sounds like you're a manchild and that your wife was already taking care of a child before ever having the baby. Doesn't look good on you when her life improved and got easier without you.
Please, please, I seriously hope this person read the answers he received, and realised exactly where he had gone wrong. If he uses the information from the answers, he will hopefully make good improvements in his life, and that of his baby.
Slime flows through the path of least resistance. So long as he can find others to pull him up by his own socks, he'll keep on that path.
Load More Replies... Soon to be ex wife isn't having trouble because it's similar to what she was doing before he left.... I doubt he can save the relationship, but it would be a good idea to sit down with her, apologize for being a d!ck, and work on cooperative parenting. Also would be good for both of them to work on support systems so that they can both cope. Finally, he needs to understand that this isn't forever--the kid will grow up and have a mind of his own, and be able to take care of himself. You're exhausted now, but it won't always be like that--enjoy the little one while he's small.
Daily chores,cooking, shopping and planning, appointments, daycare or school, extracurricular activities, parenting and quality time - all this while working and trying to look at least put together if not lean and beautifull and still stay polite. Women have a lot on their plate. There is a term married single parent, when you have kids and man-child with you. So there is easier to take care of one less person. If a person you live with does not try to mach your effort or to divide burdens as honesty as possible given abilities maby the "love" you get is not worth having that extra burden. Silly husband. There is a lot more like him I hope others will learn that lesson
The fact that he didn't say to himself, "wow I'm struggling with this kid half the time and my wife was doing this full time and working, it was really hard on her and I was so wrong not to step up." Says a lot about his character. He still doesn't realize and it's only thinking of himself.
I bet he knows how to look up cheats, etc., on video games. I'd be embarrassed to admit that I didn't know what to do when raising a child in the age of the internet & Google. But I guess his laziness outweighed his shame. Most women I know start reading up on babies at least when they get pregnant, if not before.
My SO has Aspergers. We could be living in a bomb crater and he wouldn't notice...BUT, he's willing to help and just needs to be told what to start on, or he'll be wondering from room to room, doing a minute of this and 5 mins of that. He's not dumb, just doesn't actually notice tasks.
My husband is like this. We think he's on the spectrum, but he's never been officially diagnosed and is now old enough that we don't think it would help that much.
Load More Replies... Lol! She literally had a kid with an old a*s kid. No girlfriend/wife on this planet should be mothering a grown a*s man they're f*****g (I'm NOT sorry). Good for her to leave so he can get that "you can be replaced... quickly" card slammed on the table. These FAFO's (f**k around & find out) wake up calls are amazing lately. 😄
I'd love this post to be given to each person in any couple that is expecting.
Better yet, to couples that are just beginning to plan family expansion? Even if that family expansion is a puppy instead of/before a baby.
Load More Replies... This reminds me of the story by some chump who called his ex a "deadbeat". He demanded she not get an abortion, then she signs over 100% custody to him, AND she makes support payments for a kid she never wanted. And because she's not taking part in raising the kid (again, which she never wanted), the loser calls her a "deadbeat".
That silly person. Deadbeats are the ones who skip out on even making payments after pretending they wanted to be a parent. He turned her into his surrogate which means that REALLY, her responsibility could have reasonably ended after she delivered his baby.
Load More Replies... Welcome to adult hood my good man. you went from mommy to wife mommy and now you have to grow up. Maybe in your next marriage you wont pa wn your troubles on to your wife and make her life hell.
Maybe. None of us should hold our breath on that.
Load More Replies... Oh I love this! Good on her! I just hope the kid will not suffer due to this arrangement. OP sounds really incompetent.
I split custody with my ex. Being a single parent isn't that hard honestly. She was very lazy and didn't do much until after the divorce, so nothing really changed. This guy probably just sucks at life in general. I've found that most parents who complain about child rearing just kind of suck at everything, exceptions being if your child is a special needs or something.
I think being a single parent with full custody would be extremely challenging but this guy literally has 2 weeks a month to himself and still can't handle it. Plus, he wants to give those 2 weeks up...that's really sad, I feel bad for the kiddo.
Load More Replies... Lots to unravel. 1. You never thought to apologize to your wife 2. You don't say that you miss her or miss being a family 3.You wrote about how difficult it was for you to carry the load of a child and work two weeks out of month. Not once did you mention how difficult it could be for your wife (although you did kind of hope she was struggling too) 4. You are not mature enough to be a father....but you are 5. Get your s**t together and get off your high horse, and make your son proud 6. You thought you could just take back what you said, you thought it was all about chores and childcare...You were wrong. It was a complete lack of respect for the woman you married, the pain you caused, and because you're a selfish git 7. Now you know
Damn. Everyone nailed it. She doesn’t tell you what to do - you do what needs to be done. All you need to do is clean up what isn’t clean, wash laundry that I hasn’t been washed, or say “I’m going to do XXXXX today.” If your spouse is already doing that, you’ve started a conversation about what needs done. It’s not rocket science.
Aaaaah the FAandFO is real, isn't it. You drained that woman physically, mentally and emotionally and thought she was going to continue to accept your c**p. Such an unhealthy marriage because of you a, "man-child" who never grew up and learned how to take care of himself and be accountable. Now you're wife, ex I hope, is moving forward and doing great while you whine about how hard it is. Now you know it's not a game...adulting and being a parent is hard work and selfless. I pray your wife continues to grow and thrive....without the added dead weight. Namaste
He's having trouble on his own because there's still no one to tell him what to do.
I'm curious how either of them manage with the kid *and* work. At 14 months old he obviously needs childcare, he can't just be left alone while they work. So they must be getting childcare somehow. As for the rest of it, sounds like he didn't actually do a fair share of the basic housework/chores/shopping before the kid so didn't realise what was actually involved.
This will irritate a few Pandas, but I blame the wife a bit. She let him get used to her being the maid before the baby. Women, listen up! You are the wife, not the mother, not the maid! If he is not helping out, why not? Who is doing all of the work, and why? These little things need to be straightened out in the first year of living together, not after the baby comes. Have the hard discussions and split up the chores! Having him take the trash to the street once a week does not equal doing the dishes every day! I cook, you clean! or I'll pull kitchen duty today, you pull it tomorrow. Do not expect him to jump in to help the minute the baby comes home. AND, do not expect your way to be the only correct way! Whether it is doing dishes or changing the baby, the results matter, not the exactness of action. If you are constantly complaining about how he does stuff then he will quit doing stuff. Does his complaining about how you do the laundry make you want to do it his way? Of course no
So she's wrong...for expecting her husband...to be an adult? I guarantee you, she asked him for help before and either got worthless help that she had to go back and redo afterwards, or she got ignored. And she probably didn't want to leave because society -claims- that any relationship is better than being single (which she just disproved, to her benefit). Even IF you're right, it was still HIS responsibility to step up, and he didn't.
Load More Replies... So, I gotta ask, how do women end up married to men like him? Were there no red flags as to how useless or incompetent he was before getting married? It seems a lot like Op just wants a maid/nanny with bedroom benefits!
Sounds so familiar... my kid's father was like that, with not one week of two, not even every second weekend, but two hours a week. It was indeed much easier for me once he moved out. But he didn't manage to pull himself together. He's just spiralled into alcohol until he died.
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