Husband Insults His Wife In Front Of His Family And Now She Won’t Respond To His Texts, Asks If He Was The Jerk In This Situation
When couples marry, the bond they create includes way more people than just the two of them. For better or worse, the in-laws they “acquire” also enter the picture.
Recently, Reddit user u/sdgkoufcnkk took his wife and kids to a family gathering. A big one. The kind where every niece, cousin, and uncle show up to hug out the last year or however long it has been since they last saw each other.
The whole gang was having a good time too, so when u/sdgkoufcnkk’s partner decided that it was time to leave, her mother-in-law tried to change her mind.
But whether the woman was in a bad mood or simply had one too many drinks, she snapped and the situation escalated from zero to a family disaster in a heartbeat.
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)
Image credits: sdgkoufcnkk
In the woman’s defense, however, we do not know what’s the history between her and her husband’s mother. And according to research, chances are, it’s not very pretty.
A study from the University of Cambridge Center for Family Research and an organization called the Stand Alone Institute discovered that rifts between parents and their son’s wife are among the most common reasons for family estrangement.
The study was based on the responses of more than 800 men and women in England who had little or no contact with their families. It found that divisions between parents and sons lasted a third longer than those between parents and daughters. The issues most commonly listed as “very relevant” in the breakdown of relationships with daughters included mental health problems and emotional abuse. But the issues most closely associated with sons included divorce, in-laws, and marriage.
According to Dr. Terri Apter, who is a psychologist, former Senior Tutor at Newnham College, Cambridge, and author of What Do You Want From Me?: Learning to Get Along with In-Laws, the most common in-law tensions actually arise between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. “Closeness, respect, and influence in the family are particularly important to women,” Dr. Apter told Bored Panda. “For all the change that’s been, women still feel that part of their personal worth is linked to their roles in the family, whether that’s day-to-day care, or long-term nurturing. Since in-law visits often take place in the home, where kinship, status, and respect are expressed – and tested! – there can be competition.”
Sometimes this competition might start because the mother-in-law feels threatened. “This new woman, now closest kin to her son, may displace her. We get into the mindset: ‘I have to prove to her that I have more status/respect/love because I need to reassure myself that I’m still an important part of this changing family.’ The wife, on the other hand, wants reassurance that she has a proper say in the family she and her husband form. She does not want to be undermined, so her mother-in-law’s effort to protect her status may threaten her. That’s why when each assures the other that she is valued and included, the tension is likely to ease,” Dr. Apter explained.
Of course, there might be other reasons why in-law relationships get tense. For example, one spouse might start protecting the other from a painful relationship with a parent. “A husband may know that his wife feels that her mother criticizes or demeans her. His loving protection then becomes an in-law tension.”
However, when extended family members get along, it has positive effects for everyone. “There are huge benefits in good in-law relationships – a sense of belonging, personal support, family continuity, easier relationships between the couple’s children and their grandparents,” Dr. Apter said. “Sometimes these can be maintained even when there are tensions. After all, healthy relationships do not need to be stress-free. But very poor relationships with in-laws sometimes spill into the marriage, so a wife feels her husband is not standing up for her and her needs, or a son worries that his wife is undermining his loyalty to his parents, and everyone is just less happy than they might otherwise be.”
We also tried to get in touch with u/sdgkoufcnkk to find out about the aftermath of the conflict but he hasn’t responded yet. If he does, we’ll keep you posted!
People think it was the wife who’s being unreasonable
You don't insult someone's mom in front of them and expect that to just be accepted.
NTA! This could be the case of typical Saas-Bahu drama, which is the norm in Indian families where man is brainwashed into that Mum will be always Right and they should always side their mother but MIL are crude due to many reasons or whatnot. Everyone is blaming on the wife but think outside of the box, I was thinking. May be this has happened before and the wife was ill treated behind OP's back Or the wife has been insulted numerous times. I know a MIL (my father's mum)personally who wanted a grandson and got a granddaughter (me)and hated the said daughter in law. She would take the girl aside and tell the kid that her mother was the devil. This went on for years, and then one day the daughter in law exploded and they don’t speak anymore. Completely screwed the us also OP said in a previous comment that wife usually doesn't speak to hismum much because she feels themom is a very typical 1960s housewife who only cares about others and not about herself. He on't push her to have a relationship with mom because he doesn want
Yikes. Imagine being so brainwashed by the patriarchy that you 1. need a grandson 2. hate the mother of your granddaughter because she got pregnant with a girl, something she has zero control over. So, so toxic. I'm sorry for everyone in that situation.
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I'm really tired of these AITA one-sided posts. People just airing their dirty laundry to have people side with them and make them look like the victim. Clearly there's more to this story.
If anyone is interested in the quiz one of the responders has recommended, go to loveisrespect dot org forward slash quiz. The test helps you figure out whether you might be in a toxic relationship. It's a pretty good one.
Somehow I suspect that there's some missing information here. I wonder what this story looks like from the wife's side. Maybe she's really that bad, maybe the husband shows reverential preference to the mother. In any case, making or asking these kinds of judgements from strangers is really problematic.
My aunt dropped out of high school because she was taking care of my dad and his sister. My grandmother was working all the time to support herself and her four children, so my aunt helped out by looking after her younger siblings. My aunt was not illiterate and even if she was I would not care or allow someone to talk down to her. What she lacked in formal education, she made up for in street smarts. This wife was incredibly rude and I don't see much of a future for their marriage. He was right to take up for his mother because his wife was completely out of line.
ESH Grandma being a saintly single mother 10-20 years ago doesn't give her an unlimited free pass to undermine her DIL and son's parenting today. It was pretty garbage of her to side with the kids, say it wasn't important, and force DIL into the position of being the villain for saying no. DIL absolutely needs to have a better manners, attitude, and not attack people's jugulars in ordinary disagreements. She needs to be an adult and use her words, not her insults. The OP needs to do a better job balancing between his wife and mom. He is right to say his wife's attitude towards his mom is ugly and won't be tolerated.....but he should have a united front with his coparent and backed her up when she said it was time to go. I have the feeling this has been caused by a long history of son giving his mom whatever she wants whenever she wants and wife becoming less and less tolerant as time wears on to the point where she now hates the woman and resents her husband and is expressing that in terrible, unhealthy ways she should know better than to do.
Folks here have a habit of jumping the gun quickly. We don't have complete context for why she said that. There could be a lot of nasty history between the two here that we aren't aware. We are only receiving one end of the story. Yes, from this side, maybe the wife was being rude. But maybe for the last 8 years, his mother has been treating her like crap? We don't know right? I dislike these kinds of threads. How can you make a judgement call on only a small portion of the story???
This is so clearly just one version of the story so its impossible to decide who is to blame.
We are missing a huge chunk of info here. I suspect that as with many Indian families, the husband's mother is the Woman In Charge, even when it comes to her son's family, or probably especially when it comes to her son's family. I'd reserve my judgment until he honestly spills all the beans.
NTA. Wife is a condescending twat who obviously has no idea what sacrifices her mother-in-law went through while raising her son. The disrespect shown to her mother in law in front of the rest of the family was completely wrong.
At least your mother busted a** and worked for a living. Tell your wife her entitlement is showing and that, if she wants to take that attitude with your mother, she can be a single woman with no kids and no alimony having to fend for herself. Your mother has proven time and again that she can take care of family in the worst of times. What has your wife done to prove she's worthy of such respect.
I completely agree with everything you said except he wouldn't be the one to decide whether or not she was worthy of alimony. Regardless of the fact that she "may" be acting like a entitled bitch. It would depend on the state, how long they've been married, how long she's been out of work, and wage differences if she went back to work. If she did get any, it'd probably be for a short time. But I understand your frustration with the indifference she showed towards his mother. It's appalling and disgusting and doesn't fit the reaction to a question of kids visiting a little bit longer. If all he told her in front of his family is that education didn't teach her manners, I can't possibly imagine how she thinks she has been wronged in any way. She not only owes him and his mother an apology but also every person that was in the home and heard her petulant and antagonistic sneer towards his mother's character.
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Says the wife who wanted to be lazy and not work because "she doesn't like her job." Sounds pretty illiterate to me.
Abhinc is right, the wife is a horrible person - stay at home parents aren't! Raising kids and doing household chores are no less important than earning income.
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I understand wanting kids to go to activities and not family, but the wife is 100% the a-hole. NOBODY has the right to insult someone who gave up her own opportunities to her siblings could learn. I would be carefully considering whether to stay in that marriage.
All asshole behavior aside, the OP's mom seems to have had a pretty rough life. I can't image those kinds of losses.
NTA if I threw s**t like that at my mother in law for her upbringing I'd be thrown out of the family. You don't do that. My fiancé loves his mum so much and I respect that and love her just as equally
The wife could have just answered with a no without insulting her MIL. NTA.
I think YTA. Not because you did anything wrong, but you're so clearly not TA in this situation that I feel like the only reason to post it is to shame your wife.
NTA. You're married to an entitled, self absorbed b***h. The kids can miss ONE day of extra curricular activities to see their extended family, especially when the kids were requesting it. Seems more like your wife didn't want to be around your family and is now using the children as blackmail against you by withholding them (not allowing you any contact is technically an illegal block of your rights as a father, get a lawyer, NOW). Did your wife grow up rich? Her words are very much like the type of words rudely said by someone who grew up with a silver spoon in their mouth. Get a divorce, find a woman who will love and respect your family. Ditch this b***h.
She had an 8th grade education. How could she be illiterate? Just because someone is uneducated doesn't mean they're not intelligent. The woman should be awarded saint hood. I was in no way shape or form ready to stand up and raise a family at FOURTEEN! Then when you finally get your little slice of happiness your husband dies. He should get rid of the wife and move his mom into his house to be waited on hand and foot. She should never have to lift a single finger the rest of her life. I would never get over that. Clearly his wife has always felt that way. Doesn't take into account that she sacrificed her own education so that her siblings and son could have better lives. I'm getting angrier and angrier the more I think about this.
NTA for calling out someone for needlessly insulting your mom. Mom shouldn't have apologized and you don't owe her one either.
You were defending your mother from such a rude attack. Your wife needs to know her boundaries. I'm sure your mother meant no harm by suggesting the kids stay. Your mother worked her ass off for her siblings, then son, at the cost of her own education. She's far more evolved than your wife!
This wife is so disgusting. I would have said way worse than the husband said. I feel sorry for his mother who sacrificed to ensure her siblings were educated and taken care of. No one should ever overlook her love and kindness.
My mouth actually fell open at this one. I guess my family doesn't have as much class as his, because the whole Wallace clan would be on her like a swarm of yellow jackets.
My guess is that wife has joined the group destined to become the new housewives of India. When they go out I bet wife is rude to people in general she feels are beneath her.
I am shocked that your wife would say something so demeaning and hurtful to your mother. As a mother myself who did not have many educational opportunities I understand how shameful this can feel. Your wife is very low class and does not deserve your families respect.
Yeowch. My grandma dropped out at 13 to work to help support her baby siblings (at that point, there were only 7 kids total) and did so until she was 24... when she married. Two years later, my mom was born, a few months before the 12th of my grandma's siblings. Nobody put emphasis on education like my grandma! She helped her sibs stay fed, clothed, so .... I'm with the MIL.
All of these familial AITA stories just reinforce why I never got married. There are two types of people in the world. Avoid both of them.
According to me, you should not make your life choices and decisions based on what you see on social media
Load More Replies... I'm going to get a lot of negative points here but we got thorough framing from the husband describing the life story of his mother gaining plus points for her. His wife clearly wasn't thinking about his mother's sacrifice but was focused on her destroying her authority with the kids. And the comment could be pointing to the difficulty teaching kids of today, growing up in prosperity, the value and importance of education, discipline and working very hard at any activities. And not knowing the previous interactions between them, we miss a lot of information to simply declare the wife a horrible person.
If the wife had wanted to take the kids away for educational purposes she'd be rude but would have a point, but she wanted to take them away for sports. Sports are NOT imoprtant. So she wasn't just rude, she was rude and in the wrong.
What gives you the right to say sport is not important ? That's your very personal opinion, mine would be very different.
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I was ready to say he's the A but nope, she is. AINT nobody get to talk to mums that way
I would immediately consult with a divorce lawyer. Too bad you overlooked this massive red flag before you got married. Your wife is an extremely ugly person under whatever veneer she might have. This ugliness will raise itself again and again over time. Maybe it's a good thing you saw the full extent of her venom now. At the absolute rock bottom your wife needs to apologize to your mother, whether it's sincere or not. And she should apologize with your children gathered around so they can see the example of when it is appropriate to apologize for something you did very wrong.
All three are at fault. MIL for butting in on parenting decisions (especially in front of the kids) that's undercutting the wife. Wife was extremely and unnecessarially rude, which suggests that there's an underlying problem in that relationship. Husband was then also very rude to the wife, in public. Not just "Please don't speak to mom that way, that's unacceptable," but publicly rude, which though wife was also completely in the wrong, was also inappropriate. It sounds like the Husband thinks his mom can do no wrong, and yeah, she sacrificed a lot for him. Maybe the wife is a rude bitch, or maybe MIL is manipulative. Is MIL constantly undercutting the wife, questioning her decisions, and implying that she isn't trying hard enough to be part of the family? Maybe wife feels that husband always takes MILs side, because he never notices the provocation, only when his wife says something cruel back, and MIL acts like a martyr. Maybe some marriage counselling is in order.
I stopped reading at "I and my wife". If this is an argument over literacy, husband loses hands down.
Because he didn't put his wife first? Oh no, so so rude, unbelievable!
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Indeed we don't know, so why do you go out of your way fabricating the opposite history?! In which way do you propose she looks down on a better-educated and financially-better daughter-in-law? It just doesn't add up.
Load More Replies... You don't insult someone's mom in front of them and expect that to just be accepted.
NTA! This could be the case of typical Saas-Bahu drama, which is the norm in Indian families where man is brainwashed into that Mum will be always Right and they should always side their mother but MIL are crude due to many reasons or whatnot. Everyone is blaming on the wife but think outside of the box, I was thinking. May be this has happened before and the wife was ill treated behind OP's back Or the wife has been insulted numerous times. I know a MIL (my father's mum)personally who wanted a grandson and got a granddaughter (me)and hated the said daughter in law. She would take the girl aside and tell the kid that her mother was the devil. This went on for years, and then one day the daughter in law exploded and they don’t speak anymore. Completely screwed the us also OP said in a previous comment that wife usually doesn't speak to hismum much because she feels themom is a very typical 1960s housewife who only cares about others and not about herself. He on't push her to have a relationship with mom because he doesn want
Yikes. Imagine being so brainwashed by the patriarchy that you 1. need a grandson 2. hate the mother of your granddaughter because she got pregnant with a girl, something she has zero control over. So, so toxic. I'm sorry for everyone in that situation.
Load More Replies... I'm really tired of these AITA one-sided posts. People just airing their dirty laundry to have people side with them and make them look like the victim. Clearly there's more to this story.
If anyone is interested in the quiz one of the responders has recommended, go to loveisrespect dot org forward slash quiz. The test helps you figure out whether you might be in a toxic relationship. It's a pretty good one.
Somehow I suspect that there's some missing information here. I wonder what this story looks like from the wife's side. Maybe she's really that bad, maybe the husband shows reverential preference to the mother. In any case, making or asking these kinds of judgements from strangers is really problematic.
My aunt dropped out of high school because she was taking care of my dad and his sister. My grandmother was working all the time to support herself and her four children, so my aunt helped out by looking after her younger siblings. My aunt was not illiterate and even if she was I would not care or allow someone to talk down to her. What she lacked in formal education, she made up for in street smarts. This wife was incredibly rude and I don't see much of a future for their marriage. He was right to take up for his mother because his wife was completely out of line.
ESH Grandma being a saintly single mother 10-20 years ago doesn't give her an unlimited free pass to undermine her DIL and son's parenting today. It was pretty garbage of her to side with the kids, say it wasn't important, and force DIL into the position of being the villain for saying no. DIL absolutely needs to have a better manners, attitude, and not attack people's jugulars in ordinary disagreements. She needs to be an adult and use her words, not her insults. The OP needs to do a better job balancing between his wife and mom. He is right to say his wife's attitude towards his mom is ugly and won't be tolerated.....but he should have a united front with his coparent and backed her up when she said it was time to go. I have the feeling this has been caused by a long history of son giving his mom whatever she wants whenever she wants and wife becoming less and less tolerant as time wears on to the point where she now hates the woman and resents her husband and is expressing that in terrible, unhealthy ways she should know better than to do.
Folks here have a habit of jumping the gun quickly. We don't have complete context for why she said that. There could be a lot of nasty history between the two here that we aren't aware. We are only receiving one end of the story. Yes, from this side, maybe the wife was being rude. But maybe for the last 8 years, his mother has been treating her like crap? We don't know right? I dislike these kinds of threads. How can you make a judgement call on only a small portion of the story???
This is so clearly just one version of the story so its impossible to decide who is to blame.
We are missing a huge chunk of info here. I suspect that as with many Indian families, the husband's mother is the Woman In Charge, even when it comes to her son's family, or probably especially when it comes to her son's family. I'd reserve my judgment until he honestly spills all the beans.
NTA. Wife is a condescending twat who obviously has no idea what sacrifices her mother-in-law went through while raising her son. The disrespect shown to her mother in law in front of the rest of the family was completely wrong.
At least your mother busted a** and worked for a living. Tell your wife her entitlement is showing and that, if she wants to take that attitude with your mother, she can be a single woman with no kids and no alimony having to fend for herself. Your mother has proven time and again that she can take care of family in the worst of times. What has your wife done to prove she's worthy of such respect.
I completely agree with everything you said except he wouldn't be the one to decide whether or not she was worthy of alimony. Regardless of the fact that she "may" be acting like a entitled bitch. It would depend on the state, how long they've been married, how long she's been out of work, and wage differences if she went back to work. If she did get any, it'd probably be for a short time. But I understand your frustration with the indifference she showed towards his mother. It's appalling and disgusting and doesn't fit the reaction to a question of kids visiting a little bit longer. If all he told her in front of his family is that education didn't teach her manners, I can't possibly imagine how she thinks she has been wronged in any way. She not only owes him and his mother an apology but also every person that was in the home and heard her petulant and antagonistic sneer towards his mother's character.
Load More Replies... Says the wife who wanted to be lazy and not work because "she doesn't like her job." Sounds pretty illiterate to me.
Abhinc is right, the wife is a horrible person - stay at home parents aren't! Raising kids and doing household chores are no less important than earning income.
Load More Replies... I understand wanting kids to go to activities and not family, but the wife is 100% the a-hole. NOBODY has the right to insult someone who gave up her own opportunities to her siblings could learn. I would be carefully considering whether to stay in that marriage.
All asshole behavior aside, the OP's mom seems to have had a pretty rough life. I can't image those kinds of losses.
NTA if I threw s**t like that at my mother in law for her upbringing I'd be thrown out of the family. You don't do that. My fiancé loves his mum so much and I respect that and love her just as equally
The wife could have just answered with a no without insulting her MIL. NTA.
I think YTA. Not because you did anything wrong, but you're so clearly not TA in this situation that I feel like the only reason to post it is to shame your wife.
NTA. You're married to an entitled, self absorbed b***h. The kids can miss ONE day of extra curricular activities to see their extended family, especially when the kids were requesting it. Seems more like your wife didn't want to be around your family and is now using the children as blackmail against you by withholding them (not allowing you any contact is technically an illegal block of your rights as a father, get a lawyer, NOW). Did your wife grow up rich? Her words are very much like the type of words rudely said by someone who grew up with a silver spoon in their mouth. Get a divorce, find a woman who will love and respect your family. Ditch this b***h.
She had an 8th grade education. How could she be illiterate? Just because someone is uneducated doesn't mean they're not intelligent. The woman should be awarded saint hood. I was in no way shape or form ready to stand up and raise a family at FOURTEEN! Then when you finally get your little slice of happiness your husband dies. He should get rid of the wife and move his mom into his house to be waited on hand and foot. She should never have to lift a single finger the rest of her life. I would never get over that. Clearly his wife has always felt that way. Doesn't take into account that she sacrificed her own education so that her siblings and son could have better lives. I'm getting angrier and angrier the more I think about this.
NTA for calling out someone for needlessly insulting your mom. Mom shouldn't have apologized and you don't owe her one either.
You were defending your mother from such a rude attack. Your wife needs to know her boundaries. I'm sure your mother meant no harm by suggesting the kids stay. Your mother worked her ass off for her siblings, then son, at the cost of her own education. She's far more evolved than your wife!
This wife is so disgusting. I would have said way worse than the husband said. I feel sorry for his mother who sacrificed to ensure her siblings were educated and taken care of. No one should ever overlook her love and kindness.
My mouth actually fell open at this one. I guess my family doesn't have as much class as his, because the whole Wallace clan would be on her like a swarm of yellow jackets.
My guess is that wife has joined the group destined to become the new housewives of India. When they go out I bet wife is rude to people in general she feels are beneath her.
I am shocked that your wife would say something so demeaning and hurtful to your mother. As a mother myself who did not have many educational opportunities I understand how shameful this can feel. Your wife is very low class and does not deserve your families respect.
Yeowch. My grandma dropped out at 13 to work to help support her baby siblings (at that point, there were only 7 kids total) and did so until she was 24... when she married. Two years later, my mom was born, a few months before the 12th of my grandma's siblings. Nobody put emphasis on education like my grandma! She helped her sibs stay fed, clothed, so .... I'm with the MIL.
All of these familial AITA stories just reinforce why I never got married. There are two types of people in the world. Avoid both of them.
According to me, you should not make your life choices and decisions based on what you see on social media
Load More Replies... I'm going to get a lot of negative points here but we got thorough framing from the husband describing the life story of his mother gaining plus points for her. His wife clearly wasn't thinking about his mother's sacrifice but was focused on her destroying her authority with the kids. And the comment could be pointing to the difficulty teaching kids of today, growing up in prosperity, the value and importance of education, discipline and working very hard at any activities. And not knowing the previous interactions between them, we miss a lot of information to simply declare the wife a horrible person.
If the wife had wanted to take the kids away for educational purposes she'd be rude but would have a point, but she wanted to take them away for sports. Sports are NOT imoprtant. So she wasn't just rude, she was rude and in the wrong.
What gives you the right to say sport is not important ? That's your very personal opinion, mine would be very different.
Load More Replies... I was ready to say he's the A but nope, she is. AINT nobody get to talk to mums that way
I would immediately consult with a divorce lawyer. Too bad you overlooked this massive red flag before you got married. Your wife is an extremely ugly person under whatever veneer she might have. This ugliness will raise itself again and again over time. Maybe it's a good thing you saw the full extent of her venom now. At the absolute rock bottom your wife needs to apologize to your mother, whether it's sincere or not. And she should apologize with your children gathered around so they can see the example of when it is appropriate to apologize for something you did very wrong.
All three are at fault. MIL for butting in on parenting decisions (especially in front of the kids) that's undercutting the wife. Wife was extremely and unnecessarially rude, which suggests that there's an underlying problem in that relationship. Husband was then also very rude to the wife, in public. Not just "Please don't speak to mom that way, that's unacceptable," but publicly rude, which though wife was also completely in the wrong, was also inappropriate. It sounds like the Husband thinks his mom can do no wrong, and yeah, she sacrificed a lot for him. Maybe the wife is a rude bitch, or maybe MIL is manipulative. Is MIL constantly undercutting the wife, questioning her decisions, and implying that she isn't trying hard enough to be part of the family? Maybe wife feels that husband always takes MILs side, because he never notices the provocation, only when his wife says something cruel back, and MIL acts like a martyr. Maybe some marriage counselling is in order.
I stopped reading at "I and my wife". If this is an argument over literacy, husband loses hands down.
Because he didn't put his wife first? Oh no, so so rude, unbelievable!
Load More Replies... Indeed we don't know, so why do you go out of your way fabricating the opposite history?! In which way do you propose she looks down on a better-educated and financially-better daughter-in-law? It just doesn't add up.
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