Men Turn On “Heartless” Woman For Not Helping Out Bedridden Wife After Hysterectomy
People have different definitions of being neighborly, but it usually involves sharing a friendly conversation after bumping into each other, participating in local events, lending a tool, or contributing a missing ingredient to complete a recipe.
But for Reddit user NoConversation5833, it was about to extend even further. Her husband’s friend wanted her to look after his bedridden wife. In a post on r/AITAH, however, she said that she refused to help the nearby couple due to having recently given birth herself.
This caused tension between the families, and now the Redditor is no longer sure if she made the correct call.
This woman refused to help her neighbors around the house since she had just given birth
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / Envato (not the actual photo)
But they weren’t happy with her decision
Image credits: bialasiewicz / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: NoConversation5833
After having a hysterectomy, women are often tired and in pain, but is it really the responsibility of the neighbor?
Image credits: Engin Akyurt / Pexels (not the actual photo)
It depends on the woman’s age and general level of health, but the average recovery time for a vaginal or laparoscopic hysterectomy is 3 to 4 weeks and for an abdominal hysterectomy, the recovery may take 5 to 6 weeks.
During this period, it’s important to look after oneself and get as much rest as possible for at least 2 weeks. So the Redditor’s neighbor is still going to have to be cared for.
When State Farm Insurance and consumer research firm Harris Interactive surveyed over 17,000 Americans, the results showed that:
- Names count: almost 50 percent of respondents indicated they know at least a fair amount of their neighbors by name;
- They watch out for each other: 46 percent of people watch their neighbors’ homes several times a year;
- Neighbors matter: 50 percent say that neighbors affect their happiness by at least a fair amount.
“We’ve always known good neighbors are important in good times and in bad,” said Mike Davidson, State Farm Vice Chairman and Chief Agency Marketing Officer. “What’s encouraging is that people in every state are willing to step up and assist. Some will help a neighbor find a job. Another may help with chores to save money. Others may bring over a meal. Some are even willing to let neighbors move in for a while if they’re displaced.”
“It’s heartening to see this and underscores that in every state in our union, neighbors are an untapped resource for good as we struggle through challenging times,” he added.
But while Tim may have rightfully sought help, given the circumstances, the question arises whether he has fully considered and empathized with his neighbors himself.
Building a supportive community is a two-way street; it involves understanding each other’s needs, not just asking for favors when it’s convenient.
As her story went viral, the woman joined the discussion in the comments
Even though most people thought she had every right to refuse, some said the situation wasn’t so clear-cut
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YTA people?!? What!?! Umm she just gave birth literally days ago and has another kid at home! She’s probably barely functioning herself. Then she is asked to be a caretaker for someone she barely knows. NTA. Boys (because that is how they are acting) need to stop smoking joints and get in the damn house and figure out how to be a good partner.
None of the YTA people are telling the dad to call on his family, to take time off. They are proud that he had a solution. P**n off his responsibility onto another woman. And she’s the a*****e because he won’t (not can’t ) step up.
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So you are seriously telling me this pathetic worm of a man (the neighbors husband) decided to go and get OPs friend to smoke a freakin' joint instead of helping his WIFE??
Those last 2 (ESH & YTA) probably don't have kids/babies themselves. Pregnancy and birth take a lot out of you, no matter how 'smoothly' the birth is. You're bleeding like a stuck pig, sore, tired, lacking sleep due to feeding patterns (which are approx every 4-5 hours - my experience, at least), even more so when your partner/Hubby disappears with his mates - and getting high? Yeah, he'll be incapable to help after that. The sheer nerve of the hubby to even ASK! He should have said no from the get-go. Those last two mentioned are also the AHs.
Feeding only every 4 to 5 hours sounds great. Most newborns cry for milk every 2.5 hours in my experience.
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The YTA/ESH people can drag their asses over to Tim's house and help out.
What do they expect the OP to do with her newborn baby and her little one? Is she supposed to pack them up and take then with her when she "pops in" to check on the neighbor, or is she supposed to just leave her children alone? It amazes me that there are so many clueless people out there that think OP is the AH in this situation. Not even close!
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People who call "YTA" only enable Tim, the witless wurm of a husband. It's his family, it's his wife and child and he's responsible for them. If he can't take care of them, it's up to him to arrange something. There is family, so why not arrange some kind of rota? If he wants OP to help, he at least should have asked her himself, the coward. OP's husband should protect his family from any outside pressures that are detrimental. In this situation there is no such thing as "just popping in". The first time is for 30 minutes, then OP gets pressured into staying longer, then doing things "since she is here" and before she knows it, she's backed into a corner. Give a finger, they will take the whole hand. YTA-people, her first priority is her own family. If she has time to spare, she can help. She doesn't have to set herself on fire to warm someone else!
Wow! I'm a guy so don't know all the damage that a child causes. But a woman whose a week postpartum should NOT have to support another person. Even if they were besties, i think both need rest and the husbands need to step up.
Thank you! It can take 6-8 weeks to recovery spending on variables. A woman, may feel fine after a couple of days, but should still be taking it easy. It's like trying to run a marathon after get your cast taking off that day it. I had and easy birth and felt fine after the epidural wore off, but I wasn't doing a lot either.
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People calling her the AH are insane. She has a week old baby and a 4 year old of her own! She is still recovering from her own birth, even if it was "easier." They aren't friends or family, they are neighbors who barely know each other. Tim is an idiot.
I am not a mom so my opinion probably doesn't carry a lot of weight, but I have 9 sisters-in-law and 32 nieces and nephews so I have seen first-hand how exhausted mothers are after giving birth. I could not imagine asking someone with a 1 week old cleaning her OWN house let alone a neighbor's house. In our family the first few weeks are for mama to nest in with the baby while we (the rest of the family) care for the house, the meals, the other children. Birthing children looks to be very hard work and moms need lots of rest.
It’s a brave / utterly stupid man who asks. The other Dad should step up his game, it’s his wife and child. My Mrs suffered during the birth of our daughter. She was laid up for a week after returning home. I was lucky to have two weeks paternity so I was there. My family rallied round and we took as much of the strain as we could. In those first few months it is Mum who decides how much they can do, if you offer their services then you are an inconsiderate idiot (insert any expletive you want here).
It's the OP's husband I'm most concerned about. How is he not aware of what his own WIFE is dealing with? His top priority should be helping and supporting her as much as he can, not smoking weed with his new mate next door.
Wth, I spent the first nine months with my wife at home for ALL my kids. Why even leave your wife alone like that, ESPECIALLY after a hysterectomy...
“ your post is a showcase of the extreme individualism corrupting our modern society.” …What???
She is at home alone with a 4 year old and a one week old baby and the neighbors wife with a 5 year and a 3 day old baby??? Where are the fathers? Why do they not take days off??? What stupid kind of planning is that?
Well it would interfere with their chilling and smoking weed of course! A$$hole$, both husbands.
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Sounds like HR needs to hear about Timmy's fraternizing with his employees.
Not just fraternizing, but demanding unpaid labor, I mean suggesting favors that go above and beyond and suggesting employment is at stake if refused.
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The people who are suggesting it's important to be neighborly and compassionate and "make an extra sandwich" seem to be forgetting that these people are not stranded in the Arctic or a mountain top somewhere. There are other neighbors nearby and you can bet that 95% of them have far less on their plate than the new mom next door. If there is a moral obligation, the other neighbors are in a better position to help out. Ideally, to help both new moms out.
Plus I'm sure mom's got a smartphone, so she can get food delivered. She can get out of bed for 2 minutes to deal with the delivery driver, but HER OWN HUSBAND is actually the one who should be doing what Jona can't!
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To the MORONS saying She's TA.... Are you on drugs? Or just idiots???!!!! Same goes for the comment about her going to check up on the neighbour???? Ummmm, and what- you expect her to cook for and serve up as well as deliver food to her neighbour, which involves having to pack up a week old and 4y.o to pop nextdoor, probably bleeding all the way?????? INCONSIDERATE MORONS, SHE SHUDNT EVN B UP HERSELF! ABSOLUTELY NTA
I am horrified at Tim, the other husband. He is using his power as boss over OPs husband, and being an utter bàstàrd to his own wife...who has been through probably one of the worst births imaginable. Having to have a hysterectomy is often a huge deal in any woman's life (it was for me), and takes months to recover from, even when planned. To have it done as a life saving measure, immediately after giving birth. That will take maybe years. Not physically as such, but definitely mentally and emotionally. And her husband is behaving as he is? Wow. No...this poor woman needs her mum and sister, not a neighbour she barely knows. Especially not one who has also JUST had her own baby (literally 4 days earlier ), and has still got the ability for future children, even if she doesn't plan more. I'm also calling out the horrific US health care system here. Sending hone a postpartum mother, who has just had major surgery, three days after said birth and surgery is inhumane.
And...what kind of work system doesn't give parental leave for this either? My husband had two weeks off with me after each of our babies. Longer with our youngest as I was critically ill, needed two surgeries within the first two weeks, and took months to recover. At no point did we expect help from friends. We had it offered, and accepted, but all I really wanted and needed was my husband. I was simply too poorly to want anyone else to see me.
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Probably in America. When the insurance company says the bread is finished, the bread either gets out of the toaster, or pays the financial penalty.
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NTA, you cannot pour from an empty cup, and the very fact that your husband has suggested that he is not protecting you as his family from this request. It's a long way to go before you can consider that you are well, Ok, strong enough to support your family, though you need to keep this person on side as you can and will help each other, just not now, just not yet. Especially considering the husbands you have.
Your husband should be arranging help for his wife at this stage, not volunteering her to help others. He never should have entertained this idea or mentioned it to her. The people saying she is yta are ridiculous- she doesn’t have the bandwidth to help someone bedridden right now. Tim needs to solve this for his wife but instead, he’s putting pressure on one of his employees to do it for him. Very concerning. Short term, op needs to be blunter with her husband about his foolishness and lack of a backbone. Long term, they probably need to move and the husband should change jobs.
The YTA people are completely ridiculous, making this an indictment about society as whole because a woman who just had a baby doesn't feel comfortable with taking care of essentially a stranger. Personally, I wouldn't mind going over once a day to check up on her but not being a maid, and only until they find a permanent solution over the next few days.
Omg, anyone who thinks a woman who's 1 week postpartum should be up helping a neighbour is just horribly ignorant! I've had 4 children. I know what women go through. Women should be lying down as much as they can while they're recovering. A week postpartum, she shouldn't be doing anything other than bonding with her baby. I feel for the other woman, truly. But they both need women from their families, friends and community coming around regularly to help them out. And even after the first month, women still need to be gentle with their body for a total of 3 months. Even if you feel good, you still need to ease back into everything.
TO ALL OF THE A******S WHO THINK SHE IS THE A*****E, YOU ALL SERIOUSLY NEED TO PULL YOUR F*****G HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES! You talk about how this is what's wrong with our World, well you are right this is what's wrong, but it's your narrow minded thinking and ignorance that is making this World a heartless place to live! OP is absolutely NTA, but that neighbor and her husband are!
AHprize goes to Tim. If I read the comments and responses right, Tim is a supervisor bullying an employee into pressuring his own postpartum wife into caring for two toddlers, two newborns and a recovering surgical/postpartum patient (oh yeah without pay). Someone call HR! Seriously, this is not okay at all. Both of these families need help, one maybe s bit more than the other but neither is ready to provide. Maybe OG can peak in once and awhile but who's caring for the little ones? The guys need to find a village, family, friends, coworkers, other neighbors, church members. Time to grow that village!
NTA. Not only that but tell your hubby that you're calling HR and he better be willing to tell them what his boss asked of her. It crossed a line in asking that of an employee or the spouse of one. Note to hubby that they can't retaliate as that gives hubby the ability to sue.
Too many men miss the point of marrying and partnership. If you can't help out with household, cooking, and childcare, what's really the point? You're just an extra child to take care of then. And thankfully, more women are coming to realize that and ditching these useless lumps of a husband. If you bring nothing to the table but a paycheck, then you're not worth the time. Marriage is designed to be a partnership. If you can't do that, don't get married or have kids.
Yeah, having a job and paying the bills isn't enough. Women can do that too. These man children just want a mother type, but get in bed with.
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Firstly Congratulations!!! Secondly, your husband's boss? Tim? Is a manipulative F! He knew exactly what he was doing before he conveniently became friends with your husband, as he was both your neighbor,and his boss? Oh that was too perfect! I hope your husband has other options because Tim is not his friend and your husband will most likely be looking for another job soon. It had zero to do with you or your husband, he would have done this to someone, you were the unlucky couple. Tell Tim to PAY for help! Cheap AH
Dear YTA/ESH people, I say this with the utmost kindness and respect: F**k all y’all!
All those YTA people are Tims and people like Tim-AH.She doesn't owe those people a damn thing. Doesn't this neighbor have an entire joint smoking husband? I'd tell my husband to grow some minerals or I'd tell my husband to get over there to play nurse for them, but I'm not doing anything but me and my baby
The YTA remark is insanity. Did they miss that she has a week old baby herself and that the neighbors don't just want a "check-in" they want housecleaning and chores done?! W.t.f. I went back to work part time 5 days post partum and gave up 3 hours in. You physically cannot do it. I had easy labors but body is still tore up, hormones are crazy and baby needs to eat every few hours. This would be like sending her back to work. Tim needs to hire a nanny or stay home on leave.
I would understand if the ask was "could you go and check on her a couple times to make sure she is okay?" vs the help out with cooking and cleaning? Even if I didn't know the wife that well, I would at least check on her, but asking a virtual stranger (according to OP) to cook and clean? WTH? And the YTA/ESH people, um - so you just gave birth and have an active toddler to boot - you would happily go over and "help out with cooking and cleaning their house and then go back and do yours?"
There is this thing called fmla, if this guy thinks it's so important for his wife to be taken care of, he should put down the blunt and take care of his family.
All the people who say she's an @ssh*le, I hope you continue to have the best health in the world. It's clear none of yall ever had your body irrevocably changed to the point daily chores like cooking is exhausting. Reddit is right- the neighbor is using his power at work to his advantage and trying to bully help for his wife instead of being a BigBoy™ and calling his own family up for help.
1 week post partum?? I had a textbook pregnancy and delivery, and I was a healthy person overall. At 1 week PP, I could barely function, I was so exhausted and still sore. Even texting people who were congratulating me was exhausting. If she were 10 weeks PP this might be a fair request but this is ridiculous. Funny that one person voting against the mom mentioned Sweden, since the whole reason Sweden and other places have guaranteed maternity leave is to REST and avoid extra strain.
Holy moly! First, your husband hanging with his boss is a really bad idea. This has possible work retaliation written all over it. Next, document document document. Just to cover your asses. I'm a little shocked by Tim asking a virtual stranger to check on Jona. How does Jona feel about it? Does she even know???? Goodness, I'll bet not. I know I wouldn't want some lady I didn't know in my house or 'keeping me company ' or touching my things. Ewwwe. A good approach might be for you to come up with an alternative. Like maybe start with calling and texting her. And go from there. Then talk to Tim and your husband directly and just say 'Hey, as a new mom myself, I know I wouldn't like having a stranger coming in and out. It would create more stress that I didn't need. Especially if it's someone who can still have kids. It could really feel like we're rubbing it in her face. Id still like to help, though. Would it be okay if I called and texted her instead?'.
Husband should take PTO or vacation for a week and care for his wife. Full stop.
You say you hubby is a people pleaser. This is a trait of an abused human, so I say he should start seeing someone for his trauma issues so he can grow up into an adult.
The view I am picking up on is that her husband can't say no to his friend at all. He goes places he doesn't want to go when the friend asks. This friend gets angry when anyone disagrees with him, even calling names. I think your problem is that your husband feels like he has to do what the friend asks. You are in need of help yourself, you just had a child and have a toddler. I sense trouble in the future when your husband can't say no to other things his friend suggests. This could escalate if you don't stop it now. Your husband may need therapy to find out why he's such a doormat to this friend.
He can't say no to his boss, who he's smoking weed with. Basically all the boss needs to do is remind him that he's in violation of a company policy that involves drug testing and he'll sing like a chorus girl. Dude, don't do drugs with your boss...or rob a bank, or murder... he's not your friend, he's your boss.
Load More Replies... Sure she could go over there and push herself until she collapses and has to be carted off in an ambulance. Diagnosed with severe blood loss maybe even meningitis (me) . Then she is out of the house herself for 1 week or more and needing home Healthcare when released. Then who is th AH
I think my absolute favorite idiot in this post is the one crying about “individualism” and “it takes a village” as if OP hadn’t also just given birth and isn’t already pushing herself too hard taking care of her own family while the two men sit their lazy behinds on the porch and smoke reefers and plot to enslave her. Why aren’t these men calling upon their village to help their wives?
NTA. Neighbor was in the wrong. She needs recovery time too. That was completely inappropriate. The women hardly know each other on top of that. OP's husband needs to grow a spine and set some boundaries and say no once in awhile. Find better resources and plan ahead. Sheesh. The YTA and ESH commenters are just as idiotic if not more. Babies are also 24/7, when would she have time between a 4 year old and a newborn. She'd have to pack them with causing her an unnecessary chore for someone recovering from a pregnancy.
Saying this because I have kids. I would at least just go over to make sure her and the kid ate something once a day. It would be something to throw in the oven, but I would. Now everyone has different recovery. The woman's husband is an AH for even asking. He could have asked can my wife have your wife's number in case of an emergency is fine. The the husband should never ask a man a favor from the wife right after having a baby
This: but the average recovery time for a vaginal or laparoscopic hysterectomy is 3 to 4 weeks and for an abdominal hysterectomy, the recovery may take 5 to 6 weeks. ?????????????????? I had 3 days in the hospital and one week at home to recover and then second week I was on light duties at work, and I had an abdominal hysterectomy at age 53. So it's not just the hysterectomy it's the childbirth that this poor woman is recovering from. Asking another woman who is also in recovery from childbirth to take care of her is insane! OP should have someone taking care of her, she shouldn't be up and doing stuff so soon. Hire a postpartum doula, ask her mother to come live with them for 3 weeks, neighbor's husband needs to do something rational rather than abusing his authority as OP's husband's boss to pressure OP into free caretaking.
Ah yes the old "I understand if you say no." "No." "Whaaaat? I don't understand!"
Maybe Tim needs to use the pot money & hire a home health assistant to help his wife!
OPs husband let his bully neighbor/workmate put him and his family in a bad spot. OP needs to have a conversation with her husband abour about boundaries and asserting himself; maybe go to therapy. It seams like the relationship between the men isn't exactly equal and it's already gotten OPs hubby into a sticky situation and they've only known each other a few months. The neighbor woman needs help but that's what she has her husband (Tim) for and her own family/support network. Not the near stranger she's lived beside for only 4 months. OPs real question should be: "how do I get my push over husband to grow a spine and stop sucking up to his new jerk friend?"
Even with OP having an "easier" birth within the last week, she still is barely allowed to lift the weight of her newborn, much less her toddler. There is no practical way she could "pop over" to help out someone. It could be her beloved sister instead of a stranger, and the plan the guys came up with wouldn't work. They would have to move be in together and have one area to clean and watch the kids in for it to even be feasible.
As a mother with 4 kids. ESH. Yes the fact that the two men smoking a joint thought of another post-partem mother to volunteer for the chore was extremely self centered and entitled. However, I suspect the other husband really was just thinking of how to help his wife while he was at work because he didn't want her to be alone. And he figured another woman would be a good fit. I believe his intentions were good. But I do agree that realistically OP wouldn't be able to do as much as the husbands were assuming. But she would certainly be available to check in on the other woman every once in a while. Maybe make extra dinner a couple of times and bring it over. Karma has a way of bringing all of that back to you. Having the mindset of, "I'm never too busy or poor to help someone in need" has always served me well. The people calling OP an AH are right in that the individualism and selfishness is the problem of our society. But it's also true that OP has a right to be selfish if they want
I have had a hysterectomy after having had 4 ectopic pregnancies. All serious abdominal surgeries. I was not bed bound at all. If the neighbor can't get out of bed, how does she use the bathroom? I'm not sure I believe anything about this story. sorry...
I thought ectopic pregnancy caused the tubes to rupture. Please explain how you had 4 babies when there are only two tubes, I'm confused? 🙂
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SHE IS ONE WEEK POSTPARTUM. Are you insane! She has her own newborn and toddler. She hardly knows the woman in question. And Tim is her husband's boss asking his subordinate to ask her to basically do free labor with 2 newborns and a 4 and 5 years old. How would that look to HR. OP needs rest and recovery time. This wasn't her burden to bare. You're loony if you think OP is the AH. She clearly has family that stops by. Where are they? Why can't he pay someone to come in? He should have planned better. My husband would have told Tim where to stick it. Just because you were dumb enough to risk harm to yourself doesn't make OP is an AH. Even the doctor pointed out the OP needs to back off on her own chores and rest, not add more stress to her body. You're just a moronic as those men. It's rude and inappropriate that he asked and her own husband trying to push her in a corner because he has no boundaries and can't say no. FU lady.
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YTA people?!? What!?! Umm she just gave birth literally days ago and has another kid at home! She’s probably barely functioning herself. Then she is asked to be a caretaker for someone she barely knows. NTA. Boys (because that is how they are acting) need to stop smoking joints and get in the damn house and figure out how to be a good partner.
None of the YTA people are telling the dad to call on his family, to take time off. They are proud that he had a solution. P**n off his responsibility onto another woman. And she’s the a*****e because he won’t (not can’t ) step up.
Load More Replies... So you are seriously telling me this pathetic worm of a man (the neighbors husband) decided to go and get OPs friend to smoke a freakin' joint instead of helping his WIFE??
Those last 2 (ESH & YTA) probably don't have kids/babies themselves. Pregnancy and birth take a lot out of you, no matter how 'smoothly' the birth is. You're bleeding like a stuck pig, sore, tired, lacking sleep due to feeding patterns (which are approx every 4-5 hours - my experience, at least), even more so when your partner/Hubby disappears with his mates - and getting high? Yeah, he'll be incapable to help after that. The sheer nerve of the hubby to even ASK! He should have said no from the get-go. Those last two mentioned are also the AHs.
Feeding only every 4 to 5 hours sounds great. Most newborns cry for milk every 2.5 hours in my experience.
Load More Replies... The YTA/ESH people can drag their asses over to Tim's house and help out.
What do they expect the OP to do with her newborn baby and her little one? Is she supposed to pack them up and take then with her when she "pops in" to check on the neighbor, or is she supposed to just leave her children alone? It amazes me that there are so many clueless people out there that think OP is the AH in this situation. Not even close!
Load More Replies... People who call "YTA" only enable Tim, the witless wurm of a husband. It's his family, it's his wife and child and he's responsible for them. If he can't take care of them, it's up to him to arrange something. There is family, so why not arrange some kind of rota? If he wants OP to help, he at least should have asked her himself, the coward. OP's husband should protect his family from any outside pressures that are detrimental. In this situation there is no such thing as "just popping in". The first time is for 30 minutes, then OP gets pressured into staying longer, then doing things "since she is here" and before she knows it, she's backed into a corner. Give a finger, they will take the whole hand. YTA-people, her first priority is her own family. If she has time to spare, she can help. She doesn't have to set herself on fire to warm someone else!
Wow! I'm a guy so don't know all the damage that a child causes. But a woman whose a week postpartum should NOT have to support another person. Even if they were besties, i think both need rest and the husbands need to step up.
Thank you! It can take 6-8 weeks to recovery spending on variables. A woman, may feel fine after a couple of days, but should still be taking it easy. It's like trying to run a marathon after get your cast taking off that day it. I had and easy birth and felt fine after the epidural wore off, but I wasn't doing a lot either.
Load More Replies... People calling her the AH are insane. She has a week old baby and a 4 year old of her own! She is still recovering from her own birth, even if it was "easier." They aren't friends or family, they are neighbors who barely know each other. Tim is an idiot.
I am not a mom so my opinion probably doesn't carry a lot of weight, but I have 9 sisters-in-law and 32 nieces and nephews so I have seen first-hand how exhausted mothers are after giving birth. I could not imagine asking someone with a 1 week old cleaning her OWN house let alone a neighbor's house. In our family the first few weeks are for mama to nest in with the baby while we (the rest of the family) care for the house, the meals, the other children. Birthing children looks to be very hard work and moms need lots of rest.
It’s a brave / utterly stupid man who asks. The other Dad should step up his game, it’s his wife and child. My Mrs suffered during the birth of our daughter. She was laid up for a week after returning home. I was lucky to have two weeks paternity so I was there. My family rallied round and we took as much of the strain as we could. In those first few months it is Mum who decides how much they can do, if you offer their services then you are an inconsiderate idiot (insert any expletive you want here).
It's the OP's husband I'm most concerned about. How is he not aware of what his own WIFE is dealing with? His top priority should be helping and supporting her as much as he can, not smoking weed with his new mate next door.
Wth, I spent the first nine months with my wife at home for ALL my kids. Why even leave your wife alone like that, ESPECIALLY after a hysterectomy...
“ your post is a showcase of the extreme individualism corrupting our modern society.” …What???
She is at home alone with a 4 year old and a one week old baby and the neighbors wife with a 5 year and a 3 day old baby??? Where are the fathers? Why do they not take days off??? What stupid kind of planning is that?
Well it would interfere with their chilling and smoking weed of course! A$$hole$, both husbands.
Load More Replies... Sounds like HR needs to hear about Timmy's fraternizing with his employees.
Not just fraternizing, but demanding unpaid labor, I mean suggesting favors that go above and beyond and suggesting employment is at stake if refused.
Load More Replies... The people who are suggesting it's important to be neighborly and compassionate and "make an extra sandwich" seem to be forgetting that these people are not stranded in the Arctic or a mountain top somewhere. There are other neighbors nearby and you can bet that 95% of them have far less on their plate than the new mom next door. If there is a moral obligation, the other neighbors are in a better position to help out. Ideally, to help both new moms out.
Plus I'm sure mom's got a smartphone, so she can get food delivered. She can get out of bed for 2 minutes to deal with the delivery driver, but HER OWN HUSBAND is actually the one who should be doing what Jona can't!
Load More Replies... To the MORONS saying She's TA.... Are you on drugs? Or just idiots???!!!! Same goes for the comment about her going to check up on the neighbour???? Ummmm, and what- you expect her to cook for and serve up as well as deliver food to her neighbour, which involves having to pack up a week old and 4y.o to pop nextdoor, probably bleeding all the way?????? INCONSIDERATE MORONS, SHE SHUDNT EVN B UP HERSELF! ABSOLUTELY NTA
I am horrified at Tim, the other husband. He is using his power as boss over OPs husband, and being an utter bàstàrd to his own wife...who has been through probably one of the worst births imaginable. Having to have a hysterectomy is often a huge deal in any woman's life (it was for me), and takes months to recover from, even when planned. To have it done as a life saving measure, immediately after giving birth. That will take maybe years. Not physically as such, but definitely mentally and emotionally. And her husband is behaving as he is? Wow. No...this poor woman needs her mum and sister, not a neighbour she barely knows. Especially not one who has also JUST had her own baby (literally 4 days earlier ), and has still got the ability for future children, even if she doesn't plan more. I'm also calling out the horrific US health care system here. Sending hone a postpartum mother, who has just had major surgery, three days after said birth and surgery is inhumane.
And...what kind of work system doesn't give parental leave for this either? My husband had two weeks off with me after each of our babies. Longer with our youngest as I was critically ill, needed two surgeries within the first two weeks, and took months to recover. At no point did we expect help from friends. We had it offered, and accepted, but all I really wanted and needed was my husband. I was simply too poorly to want anyone else to see me.
Load More Replies... Probably in America. When the insurance company says the bread is finished, the bread either gets out of the toaster, or pays the financial penalty.
Load More Replies... NTA, you cannot pour from an empty cup, and the very fact that your husband has suggested that he is not protecting you as his family from this request. It's a long way to go before you can consider that you are well, Ok, strong enough to support your family, though you need to keep this person on side as you can and will help each other, just not now, just not yet. Especially considering the husbands you have.
Your husband should be arranging help for his wife at this stage, not volunteering her to help others. He never should have entertained this idea or mentioned it to her. The people saying she is yta are ridiculous- she doesn’t have the bandwidth to help someone bedridden right now. Tim needs to solve this for his wife but instead, he’s putting pressure on one of his employees to do it for him. Very concerning. Short term, op needs to be blunter with her husband about his foolishness and lack of a backbone. Long term, they probably need to move and the husband should change jobs.
The YTA people are completely ridiculous, making this an indictment about society as whole because a woman who just had a baby doesn't feel comfortable with taking care of essentially a stranger. Personally, I wouldn't mind going over once a day to check up on her but not being a maid, and only until they find a permanent solution over the next few days.
Omg, anyone who thinks a woman who's 1 week postpartum should be up helping a neighbour is just horribly ignorant! I've had 4 children. I know what women go through. Women should be lying down as much as they can while they're recovering. A week postpartum, she shouldn't be doing anything other than bonding with her baby. I feel for the other woman, truly. But they both need women from their families, friends and community coming around regularly to help them out. And even after the first month, women still need to be gentle with their body for a total of 3 months. Even if you feel good, you still need to ease back into everything.
TO ALL OF THE A******S WHO THINK SHE IS THE A*****E, YOU ALL SERIOUSLY NEED TO PULL YOUR F*****G HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES! You talk about how this is what's wrong with our World, well you are right this is what's wrong, but it's your narrow minded thinking and ignorance that is making this World a heartless place to live! OP is absolutely NTA, but that neighbor and her husband are!
AHprize goes to Tim. If I read the comments and responses right, Tim is a supervisor bullying an employee into pressuring his own postpartum wife into caring for two toddlers, two newborns and a recovering surgical/postpartum patient (oh yeah without pay). Someone call HR! Seriously, this is not okay at all. Both of these families need help, one maybe s bit more than the other but neither is ready to provide. Maybe OG can peak in once and awhile but who's caring for the little ones? The guys need to find a village, family, friends, coworkers, other neighbors, church members. Time to grow that village!
NTA. Not only that but tell your hubby that you're calling HR and he better be willing to tell them what his boss asked of her. It crossed a line in asking that of an employee or the spouse of one. Note to hubby that they can't retaliate as that gives hubby the ability to sue.
Too many men miss the point of marrying and partnership. If you can't help out with household, cooking, and childcare, what's really the point? You're just an extra child to take care of then. And thankfully, more women are coming to realize that and ditching these useless lumps of a husband. If you bring nothing to the table but a paycheck, then you're not worth the time. Marriage is designed to be a partnership. If you can't do that, don't get married or have kids.
Yeah, having a job and paying the bills isn't enough. Women can do that too. These man children just want a mother type, but get in bed with.
Load More Replies... Firstly Congratulations!!! Secondly, your husband's boss? Tim? Is a manipulative F! He knew exactly what he was doing before he conveniently became friends with your husband, as he was both your neighbor,and his boss? Oh that was too perfect! I hope your husband has other options because Tim is not his friend and your husband will most likely be looking for another job soon. It had zero to do with you or your husband, he would have done this to someone, you were the unlucky couple. Tell Tim to PAY for help! Cheap AH
Dear YTA/ESH people, I say this with the utmost kindness and respect: F**k all y’all!
All those YTA people are Tims and people like Tim-AH.She doesn't owe those people a damn thing. Doesn't this neighbor have an entire joint smoking husband? I'd tell my husband to grow some minerals or I'd tell my husband to get over there to play nurse for them, but I'm not doing anything but me and my baby
The YTA remark is insanity. Did they miss that she has a week old baby herself and that the neighbors don't just want a "check-in" they want housecleaning and chores done?! W.t.f. I went back to work part time 5 days post partum and gave up 3 hours in. You physically cannot do it. I had easy labors but body is still tore up, hormones are crazy and baby needs to eat every few hours. This would be like sending her back to work. Tim needs to hire a nanny or stay home on leave.
I would understand if the ask was "could you go and check on her a couple times to make sure she is okay?" vs the help out with cooking and cleaning? Even if I didn't know the wife that well, I would at least check on her, but asking a virtual stranger (according to OP) to cook and clean? WTH? And the YTA/ESH people, um - so you just gave birth and have an active toddler to boot - you would happily go over and "help out with cooking and cleaning their house and then go back and do yours?"
There is this thing called fmla, if this guy thinks it's so important for his wife to be taken care of, he should put down the blunt and take care of his family.
All the people who say she's an @ssh*le, I hope you continue to have the best health in the world. It's clear none of yall ever had your body irrevocably changed to the point daily chores like cooking is exhausting. Reddit is right- the neighbor is using his power at work to his advantage and trying to bully help for his wife instead of being a BigBoy™ and calling his own family up for help.
1 week post partum?? I had a textbook pregnancy and delivery, and I was a healthy person overall. At 1 week PP, I could barely function, I was so exhausted and still sore. Even texting people who were congratulating me was exhausting. If she were 10 weeks PP this might be a fair request but this is ridiculous. Funny that one person voting against the mom mentioned Sweden, since the whole reason Sweden and other places have guaranteed maternity leave is to REST and avoid extra strain.
Holy moly! First, your husband hanging with his boss is a really bad idea. This has possible work retaliation written all over it. Next, document document document. Just to cover your asses. I'm a little shocked by Tim asking a virtual stranger to check on Jona. How does Jona feel about it? Does she even know???? Goodness, I'll bet not. I know I wouldn't want some lady I didn't know in my house or 'keeping me company ' or touching my things. Ewwwe. A good approach might be for you to come up with an alternative. Like maybe start with calling and texting her. And go from there. Then talk to Tim and your husband directly and just say 'Hey, as a new mom myself, I know I wouldn't like having a stranger coming in and out. It would create more stress that I didn't need. Especially if it's someone who can still have kids. It could really feel like we're rubbing it in her face. Id still like to help, though. Would it be okay if I called and texted her instead?'.
Husband should take PTO or vacation for a week and care for his wife. Full stop.
You say you hubby is a people pleaser. This is a trait of an abused human, so I say he should start seeing someone for his trauma issues so he can grow up into an adult.
The view I am picking up on is that her husband can't say no to his friend at all. He goes places he doesn't want to go when the friend asks. This friend gets angry when anyone disagrees with him, even calling names. I think your problem is that your husband feels like he has to do what the friend asks. You are in need of help yourself, you just had a child and have a toddler. I sense trouble in the future when your husband can't say no to other things his friend suggests. This could escalate if you don't stop it now. Your husband may need therapy to find out why he's such a doormat to this friend.
He can't say no to his boss, who he's smoking weed with. Basically all the boss needs to do is remind him that he's in violation of a company policy that involves drug testing and he'll sing like a chorus girl. Dude, don't do drugs with your boss...or rob a bank, or murder... he's not your friend, he's your boss.
Load More Replies... Sure she could go over there and push herself until she collapses and has to be carted off in an ambulance. Diagnosed with severe blood loss maybe even meningitis (me) . Then she is out of the house herself for 1 week or more and needing home Healthcare when released. Then who is th AH
I think my absolute favorite idiot in this post is the one crying about “individualism” and “it takes a village” as if OP hadn’t also just given birth and isn’t already pushing herself too hard taking care of her own family while the two men sit their lazy behinds on the porch and smoke reefers and plot to enslave her. Why aren’t these men calling upon their village to help their wives?
NTA. Neighbor was in the wrong. She needs recovery time too. That was completely inappropriate. The women hardly know each other on top of that. OP's husband needs to grow a spine and set some boundaries and say no once in awhile. Find better resources and plan ahead. Sheesh. The YTA and ESH commenters are just as idiotic if not more. Babies are also 24/7, when would she have time between a 4 year old and a newborn. She'd have to pack them with causing her an unnecessary chore for someone recovering from a pregnancy.
Saying this because I have kids. I would at least just go over to make sure her and the kid ate something once a day. It would be something to throw in the oven, but I would. Now everyone has different recovery. The woman's husband is an AH for even asking. He could have asked can my wife have your wife's number in case of an emergency is fine. The the husband should never ask a man a favor from the wife right after having a baby
This: but the average recovery time for a vaginal or laparoscopic hysterectomy is 3 to 4 weeks and for an abdominal hysterectomy, the recovery may take 5 to 6 weeks. ?????????????????? I had 3 days in the hospital and one week at home to recover and then second week I was on light duties at work, and I had an abdominal hysterectomy at age 53. So it's not just the hysterectomy it's the childbirth that this poor woman is recovering from. Asking another woman who is also in recovery from childbirth to take care of her is insane! OP should have someone taking care of her, she shouldn't be up and doing stuff so soon. Hire a postpartum doula, ask her mother to come live with them for 3 weeks, neighbor's husband needs to do something rational rather than abusing his authority as OP's husband's boss to pressure OP into free caretaking.
Ah yes the old "I understand if you say no." "No." "Whaaaat? I don't understand!"
Maybe Tim needs to use the pot money & hire a home health assistant to help his wife!
OPs husband let his bully neighbor/workmate put him and his family in a bad spot. OP needs to have a conversation with her husband abour about boundaries and asserting himself; maybe go to therapy. It seams like the relationship between the men isn't exactly equal and it's already gotten OPs hubby into a sticky situation and they've only known each other a few months. The neighbor woman needs help but that's what she has her husband (Tim) for and her own family/support network. Not the near stranger she's lived beside for only 4 months. OPs real question should be: "how do I get my push over husband to grow a spine and stop sucking up to his new jerk friend?"
Even with OP having an "easier" birth within the last week, she still is barely allowed to lift the weight of her newborn, much less her toddler. There is no practical way she could "pop over" to help out someone. It could be her beloved sister instead of a stranger, and the plan the guys came up with wouldn't work. They would have to move be in together and have one area to clean and watch the kids in for it to even be feasible.
As a mother with 4 kids. ESH. Yes the fact that the two men smoking a joint thought of another post-partem mother to volunteer for the chore was extremely self centered and entitled. However, I suspect the other husband really was just thinking of how to help his wife while he was at work because he didn't want her to be alone. And he figured another woman would be a good fit. I believe his intentions were good. But I do agree that realistically OP wouldn't be able to do as much as the husbands were assuming. But she would certainly be available to check in on the other woman every once in a while. Maybe make extra dinner a couple of times and bring it over. Karma has a way of bringing all of that back to you. Having the mindset of, "I'm never too busy or poor to help someone in need" has always served me well. The people calling OP an AH are right in that the individualism and selfishness is the problem of our society. But it's also true that OP has a right to be selfish if they want
I have had a hysterectomy after having had 4 ectopic pregnancies. All serious abdominal surgeries. I was not bed bound at all. If the neighbor can't get out of bed, how does she use the bathroom? I'm not sure I believe anything about this story. sorry...
I thought ectopic pregnancy caused the tubes to rupture. Please explain how you had 4 babies when there are only two tubes, I'm confused? 🙂
Load More Replies... SHE IS ONE WEEK POSTPARTUM. Are you insane! She has her own newborn and toddler. She hardly knows the woman in question. And Tim is her husband's boss asking his subordinate to ask her to basically do free labor with 2 newborns and a 4 and 5 years old. How would that look to HR. OP needs rest and recovery time. This wasn't her burden to bare. You're loony if you think OP is the AH. She clearly has family that stops by. Where are they? Why can't he pay someone to come in? He should have planned better. My husband would have told Tim where to stick it. Just because you were dumb enough to risk harm to yourself doesn't make OP is an AH. Even the doctor pointed out the OP needs to back off on her own chores and rest, not add more stress to her body. You're just a moronic as those men. It's rude and inappropriate that he asked and her own husband trying to push her in a corner because he has no boundaries and can't say no. FU lady.
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