I do not often feel abandoned, but when that feeling does come, it's usually when others refuse to talk to me or when a friend betrays or crosses me. Abandonment also shows itself to me when I'm left alone, even for necessary purposes, for example, if I need to process my emotions or reflect on a response or reaction. The solitude can actually feel like it's doing more harm than good by making me feel abandoned, like I'm forced to be alone and deal with complexities on my own similar to when I was a child dealing with harsh life changes and circumstances.
It makes sense to me that I would have these abandonment issues from being ab*sed and neglected throughout my childhood. A lot of key things were ignored growing up, like my mental health and my overall needs... my comfort, my well-being, and my consent. My father was not a very good parent and it's that neglect, that lack of reinforcement, the inability to thrive, and most of all, the betrayal from my own flesh and blood that gave me the fear of being alone and possibly the codependency I struggle with to this day. I still feel greatly abandoned by my "family" - those related to me who refuse to acknowledge or even believe that I underwent extreme trauma. I feel betrayed and like they've certainly abandoned me.
Some traits that I've discovered in myself due to this trauma would include being codependent or unable to live/reside alone, always feeling like I'm the problematic one, and having an intense fear of homelessness. I try to combat these fears by simply spending time by myself with my thoughts, but often when I do this, anxiety begins to trigger and run a bit rampant. I think that something I should consider bringing up to my therapist is how I'm unsure how to expose myself to this fear and how I'm unsure if I should reach out to my family and tell them how I feel and what I think.
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When I have to work in a group of people and nobody even chooses me, I just know that nobody wants me around, and the world would be better off without me existing. That’s a big contributing factor to my suicidal thoughts and wanting to slit my wrists with a razor blade.
Being excluded really can be a big trigger for a lot of people, myself included. On the outside, people might see this trigger and say "so what", but we know deep down it's just a reminder that whatever happened to make us feel so abandoned... still happened. Being excluded is like being stabbed in the back by society for some reason and I can never fully comprehend why. Maybe because we're supposed to support and help each other and... it's cruel when we don't. As far as your idealization, I'm so sorry... I hate that you feel this way and really hope that in time you can come to a place of peace... because the way you feel isn't your fault at all. You deserve a fair shot at anything like anyone does... never forget that if anything.
When everybody ignores my subtle hints that I am seriously broken. It makes me feel more broken.
Abandonment as a whole is a huge huge bugger of a feeling... I can completely relate with this. I personally had to learn that my hints just can't be subtle, but they can be soft. "Hey guys... I'm not feeling my best. Something is wrong and I can't figure it out. I need a bit of help" -- real friends will hear this. Always. It'll get better, not easier, but better.
I do not feel abandoned but kind of separated. I have all these trouble but they only show themselves when I think about, and on of my greatest fear is if I tell someone about them, they will view me differently. So I just keep it to myself, and since I can't talk to anyone, I have philosophical conversation with myself, which are both useless and helpful
