I suffer from social anxiety and I really need a piece of advice for making new friends and feeling less insecure about myself.
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This sounds really scary, but exposure to social situations. Start with the easy ones like store employees. Ask where a product is, say hello and say thank you. They meet so many people so you probably won't be remembered. Could group therapy be helpful and answer our comments yourself! It was easier for me that I kept medication (ie one tablet) with me. They don't immediately help, but the knowledge of the help I kept with me gave me strength. If you don't want to resort to medication, keep a small object/amulet with you that you can touch to make you feel safe/empowered. Learn to breathe deeply to calm yourself down. Don't be afraid of embarrassment, most of us focus on ourselves and sometimes expressing that we are tense to others relaxes the situation. I myself am so strange that I always first find out how to leave the place (excuses and of course in public places where there are emergency exits, hand fire extinguishers or a defibrillator). or where you can go to calm down for a while. People also like to talk about themselves, so it's worth asking about their hobbies, for example, I really like people who somehow seem to come more alive when you ask them about their interests. And remember, I was the target of intentional small talk by another socially challenged person in the library, I got confused, mumbled, dropped a couple of books from my lap on the floor, apologized and just walked away from the situation without saying anything like a game character. Now it's funny, at the time I thought I'd never leave the house again.
I have suffered from anxiety for a long time and have been on ssri meds which did help initially. After they stopped working, I have been practicing mindfulness meditation (along with breathing exercises, yoga, a natural diet, sunlight, supplements, etc) and MBSR which has helped me become less agitated especially by the physical symptoms of anxiety and able to watch my thoughts more objectively.
When the ssri meds started working I felt really good for the first time in my life (happy, calm, felt good about myself instead of negative about myself) and became quite extroverted, enjoyed meeting people, talking to them and easily managed to make some friends. Now that the meds don't work anymore I've got anxiety and depression again but now i'm not as badly introverted and negative about myself as i used to be. I still like talking to people but find it difficult to be very lively, cheerful and energetic that it takes to make and keep friendships.
I had the same problem. I recommend the books How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes and The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine. Also, you know those fake conversations you have in the shower? Keep it up, I actually does help. If eye contact bothers you, look at the person's upper lip. That gives the illusion of eye contact.
I've had anxiety for decades and a few things have helped me. One is the right medication and a good therapist. Beyond that, proper exposure therapy has been really useful. But I have to say that one thing that has helped me a lot was a piece of advise my therapist gave me. She asked if I view strangers and people as a whole as good/nice people or mean/judgmental people? When I stopped and thought about it, I really view most people as being mean and judgmental. We talked through how most people are actually decent, nice people. That most people would help a person if they were hurt or in danger. Now when I am out in public, I make a point of looking around and telling myself that these are good, nice people around me. I repeat it over and over again. It really has helped and I hope it helps you.
I generally felt confident in situations like networking gatherings. I think it was because I was there to represent my company and not me.
I would boldly walk up to people, introduce myself and confidently talk about business. I'd have lengthy and engaging conversations with total strangers without giving it a thought.
Oddly enough, in personal social situations with strangers, I would sip wine and fade into the background – occasionally retreating to the comfort of my iPhone. I was awkward because I was representing me.
Years ago I had gone to charity event with a dear friend of mine. He was single and we didn't know a soul there. He had asked me to help him out and be his wing man. He wanted me to introduce him to guys that he found attractive. I was up for the challenge.
He would point out someone that he found interesting and I would walk over to him, introduce myself and start a conversation. Then eventually bring my buddy over to meet him.
That experience changed everything for me. I realized, like in my professional networking experiences, that most people are open to introductions and making friends. The more you ask them about themselves, the more likely they are to continue a dialog.
Having similar interests can certainly enhance the conversation but if their interests are totally foreign to you, take it as an opportunity to learn something new.
Don't fear or be angry about rejection. They're doing you a favor. Just move on to someone more interesting. Over time your confidence will grow and so will your social life.
Read up on dealing with it. Practice in front of a mirror so you can see your body language. Hard to do it but if you can do it in front of a mirror you've mastered half of it. Observe how others do it in social situations. Read the room to not bring up something controversial. Most important is to show interest in their interests. It's easier than selling yourself.
Three things that really helped me were talking to a therapist and their suggestion of writing a diary to look back and see that a situation was not as scary as you thought in retrospect and having a creative hobby as an outlet. It also gives you something safe to talk about.
Hey! A few years ago I had the same problem. Went through therapies and stuff and "Breathing" really became a thing for me. I learned to breathe some stress away. Recently, I got myself a breathing pipe. Such as they sell to support smoke quitting. There's an inbuilt resistance that really makes you concentrate on breathing and calms you (or, at least, calms me). In case of anxiety, I take it out (got it on a necklace) and take some good breaths. Of course it doesn't solve the problem itself, but it prevents me from taking short and quick breaths, nearly hyperventilating, which only increases the stress. I really hope it will work for you as well.
Hey guys for all the people that submitted an advice I am really grateful for it! I will try all of that I hope this helps!
I used to have some places outside of my home where I also felt at home: the uni and the metal music bar I went to pretty often. I actually had a lot of acquaintances at both places but going there without having anyone specific to met was still horrible.
After having talked with a therapist about it I decided to fight my anxiety a bit. I would go to the uni to study and to write papers (this was also an attempt to have a more clear distinction between study-mode and home-mode). I ended up loving going to the uni alone -and I noticed I often met someone I knew there even if it wasn't planned. This calmed my anxiety a bit.
A few times I also went to the bar without having made plans to meet someone. I had to make a deal with myself that if it wasn't fun it was all right for me to just go home. It worked OK but was quite triggering as well, so I only did this a few times.
I did, however, manage to go to concerts by myself as well. I felt like I was dying before the music started (dizzy, shaking, crazy heartbeat, feeling I was about to faint....) so my way to do it was:
1) get the access stamp on my hand
2) go outside and walk back and forth (keep the blood flow in your arms and legs and trying to calm my mind)
3) go in just before the music starts and go somewhere to watch the show (it's actually awesome to watch a live show alone because there are nobody to keep your eye on, nobody who demands your attention. You just stand there and enjoy the music. Just like when you go to the cinema alone. I can totally recommend it even if it is scary as well!)
4) if there were breaks between bands playing, I'd spend those breaks either walking back and forth outside OR I would sit by the bar and write out my anxiety in my diary/journal. I would write about how I felt, what my thoughts were, what I saw around me, how the concert was etc. It helped a lot, actually.
5) kept it as a mantra that if it wasn't fun I was allowed to just go home. I never ended up actually going home, though, because I always did enjoy myself despite the anxiety.
I had a few years with this kind of confrontational "therapy" where I'd do stuff and find little things that got me through the anxiety. And then I got a bf who actually also had a lot of social anxiety. Sometimes he even had to call in sick to work because his anxiety went through the roof! But somehow, knowing what we went through and how bad it felt, we supported eachother and we were for years very good at going to parties where we knew almost nobody and we'd have a great time even if we weren't actually partying that much together. Just the knowledge that the other person was in the building and 100% on my side, should I need comfort, helped a lot!
We've been together for almost 11 years now and we are still feeling the anxiety every now and then but it helps for us to talk about it and also agree that if it isn't fun we'll just go home.
I think my point is that you should really try to not avoid doing things because the anxiety feels bad. Find some safe activities and a mantra or two to help you through it. And also, you don't need to find a SO with anxiety, but perhaps befriend someone (online or somewhere else you feel safe at) who also has anxiety and talk with them about how it feels and go to things with your "anxiety friend" and make agreements that can help you support eachother and give eachother calm.
I am still ancious about social events every now and then and I have accepted that it will never go away 100%. But it has gone down about 80% so.... working with my social anxiety and finding myself an anxiety-buddy did wonders to me. And hopefully this comment may inspire you to choose a few ways to help you as well. :)
Best of luck!
Therapy and not leaning into anxiety as a crutch. That is hard to not do as its comforting.
Stay away from alcohol and other recreational drugs if you use them for self medication for anxiety. Alcohol is insidious. It will fool you into thinking it is helping with your anxiety when in reality it is actually making things far worse.
Talking to a doctor and therapist seems to be a winning combo in most cases. Of course everyone is different but I have seen this work for many people.
The main thing is you must want to overcome your anxiety. there is no magic solution. If you don't truly want it, you will waste your time and get frustrated. Good luck, I wish you the all the successes.
" the all the successes"? WTF rostit. proofread ever?
I want to address those who don't have it and how they should interact with those who do. I know a few people that are crippled by it in certain situations. The fallout is heart breaking. Depression, isolation, self doubt and fear of what others think of them. I can only imagine how emotionally painful it can be. So for all those people who don't understand it and can be extremely insensitive towards those who suffer from it please tell us how to recognize it in others and what we should and should not do. I would like to think I am handling things correctly but it makes me feel horrible knowing i may be making things worse.
All initial social interactions are awkward for each party. Socializing means leaning into the awkwardness until you see your way out ("hit it off/warm up to each other" is the concept of actively working to getting through the first phase of awkwardness). Honestly, to put it bluntly, get over yourself and focus on the person you're interacting with and the moment you're in.
All initial social interactions are awkward for each party. Socializing means leaning into the awkwardness until you see your way out ("hit it off/warm up to each other" is the concept of actively working to getting through the first phase of awkwardness). Honestly, to put it bluntly, get over yourself and focus on the person you're interacting with and the moment you're in.
