“He’s A Married Man”: Mom Calls Out Son For Being Mad At Sister For Dating His Childhood Ex
It’s never fun finding out your ex is dating someone new. However ‘over’ the relationship we think we might be, there still may be some unresolved feelings left. People say you never forget your first love, and that can be true for middle school puppy love as well. But is getting jealous over it when you’re a married adult appropriate?
This mother didn’t think so. She called out her son for acting jealous when his childhood ex-girlfriend began dating his sister. The mother decided she had enough when the brother started calling his sister names and threatened to limit contact with him. Wanting to know if her response was fitting, she decided to consult people online.
Mothers can be harsh to their children sometimes, but they can also help them see things more objectively
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
This mother told her son to grow up and get over his middle school girlfriend, who was now dating his sister
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Image source: [deleted]
A person’s happiness should come first, and the approval from their sibling after
Image credits: Anastasia Shuraeva (not the actual photo)
A family member disapproving of a relationship is nothing new. Sometimes, it’s parents or an aunt, and other times, it’s a sibling who doesn’t like your new partner. In this case, the brother feels extra jealous because it’s his middle school sweetheart. The sister probably feels hurt and frustrated.
Neuropsychologist and the director of Comprehend the Mind, Dr. Sanam Hafeez, told Women.com that the sibling should approach the issue with empathy and understanding. After all, if the sister is happy in her relationship, isn’t that all that should matter?
Hafeez said that the siblings should talk these issues out. “Ask them why they do not approve of your partner and give them a chance to express their thoughts and feelings.” In some cases, the sibling’s concerns might be valid, as they point out potential red flags about your partner.
It’s important to let the sibling know how their disapproval makes you feel. “Explain why you value your relationship with your partner and why you believe they are a good fit for you,” Dr. Hafeez told Women.com. “Share positive aspects of your partner’s character and the reasons why you are committed to the relationship … Clearly communicate your happiness and the positive aspects of your relationship.”
If the sibling refuses to change their opinion, another course of action might be what the mother in this story did. Dr. Hafeez said the decision about a romantic partner is ultimately for the person to make, not for their sibling. “Communicate that you expect respect for your choices and that you will not tolerate disrespectful or intrusive behavior.”
There is truth to the myth about first loves
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
The brother seems to think that “Jenna” was his first love. And while many commenters seem to think middle school sweethearts don’t qualify as a ‘first love,’ there is some truth to the myth generally.
We hear it in movies and songs that the first love is always the hardest to get over. But is there any actual evidence behind it? Licensed Christian Counselor Joseph Bordelon told Bustle that this has to do with the time period when we experience first love.
“Memories during your adolescent years leave hormonal imprints at the same time as your neurological developments are forming your identity.” As many people fall in love during adolescence, they may find that the memory lives long after the breakup.
Biological Anthropologist Helen Fisher, who has spent her entire life researching love, told The Guardian that first loves are particularly dramatic.
Throughout her years of research, she has found the brain pathway of people who have fallen madly in love. She claims that love activates addiction centers of the brain. “You’re addicted when you fall in love with somebody. Addicted to them.”
Catherine Loveday, a professor at the Centre for Psychological Sciences at the University of Westminster, also told The Guardian that memories from when we were tweens stay with us even when we are in our 80s.
“We continue to learn and we continue to use it as a foundation for who we are. These memories help to give us a sense of what kind of person we are, what kind of lover we are, who we are.”
People agreed that the mother’s reaction was appropriate and called out the son for his odd behavior
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I wonder if there is more to it and that its not just that Jenna is dating his sister but that Jenna is a lesbian and his manly pride is wounded? I have heard men complain about feeling emasculated when their ex partners turn out to be gay. Would he respond the same way if Lila was a brother and Jenna started dating him? Either way, Mother is right, Adam is an AH and I hope Jenna and Lila live happily ever after. (Not relevant, but their name combo is totally cute).
I had the same thought - he's worried he 'turned her gay' because she didn't like kissing him! (Can't be bothered being an adult and realising she didn't like kissing him because she was gay though - sheeesh!)
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Mother is right to nip this in the bud. Son is being repulsively possessive and arguably unstable. I wonder if his wife knows he's obsessing over Jenna.
I know right? I would not be happy if I was in a serious relationship, let alone married with a kid on the way, to someone who was obsessed with the person they "dated" when they were 11. In fact, I think we have a brand new category of red flags here.
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1. "Dating" when you're 11 doesn't count as a significant enough relationship to call someone an ex, except in jokes. 2. Even a recent ex from a. Adult relationship can date whomever after you break up, especially after you move on, get married and have a child. 3. If he's that unhappy that an ex can upset him, the current relationship has failed and they should start extricating amicably for the sake of the kid. Because it's not going to last.
I wonder what his wife thinks of this nonsense? But he’s overreacting. When I found out my first boyfriend was gay, my reaction was “That explains a lot.”
If he thinks a romance at 11 was love, I am even more sorry for his wife and kid. Doesn't sound like he's matured any since then.
Of course it feels weird, but an ex can do what she wants. If he has moved on and even starts a family, he should focus on that and let his sister be happy. You don't own your exes.
When will people learn that you do not get to own other people and their feelings?. It's utterly bizarre that he thinks he can call dibs 15 years later on a woman who will never want him because he had a crush on her at age 11. Jenna and Lila's feelings for each other are 2 single people making choices single people have every right to make. He is married and has a child...he doesn't get to grind other people's life to a halt because it upsets his personal memories of childhood. So much of this world is about all the ways it's about me, me, me as though God put everybody else here to cater to your every whim.
I really hate this culture of "your not allowed to date my ex." I get finding it awkward but like, even the bro code on that is just stupid. You can have your own feelings, and out boundaries down, buy getting upset abd attacking over it is not okay. They never belonged to you, you don't get to be mad because someone you know is dating them now.
I could understand maybe if he was legitimately upset when she dumped him. Like yeah, 11 is forever ago but kid's feelings are still real - oftentimes more intense than adults. 5 months feels like a long time at that age and in theory, it could have been a foundational memory for him. It wouldn't make this *right*, just *understandable*. But the mom says he was over it in a day. Obviously he is making this out to be more than it was. I wonder why.
I don't understand obsession with first loves. Isn't that just for selling cinema tickets? If your next love isn't at least an improvement over the last, would you call it love? I can't think of any positive, healthy things where chasing that first high is a good thing.
A lot of men do this with exes who have moved on to other males - there seems to be a real disconnect with some of them, wherein they feel as if what was once 'theirs' should stay 'theirs'. The fact she's lesbian probably exacerbates it But age 11- 12? That's beyond ridiculous. I hope Mom doesn't cut ties though - his wife is gonna need some moral support, if not more - that's a huge red flag in so many ways.
I feel very sorry for the pregnant wife who's watching her husband destroy his relationships with his family by having a tantrum because his childhood crush is actually living her life. Doesn't sound like he's got a lot of energy left for the woman he made lifetime promises to, or the new person they made. Also doesn't sound like he's going to let the baby have Grandma or Aunt Lila in their life unless he succeeds in breaking up his sister's ADULT relationship and puts childhood crush Jenna back on the toy shelf.
Sounds less like jealousy or being hung up on Jenn, and more like a narcissist can't deal with the fact that Jenn is a PERSON. He's treating her like an NPC, that she is supposed to be defined by her relation to him and his past. This is like a spoiled kid who meets his grandmother's *other grandchildren* and throws a tantrum that they shouldn't be allowed to call her grandma because she's HIS grandma.
I have only read a few of the comments so far but I wonder if most, including this mother, are missing the point. It is possible that it seems so strange because it is dishonest(conscious? Subconscious?). I wonder if he is upset his sister is gay. He coped before by not thinking about it, but now that she is in a long term relationship he cannot think of it as a “phase”.
Fragile masculinity. If you have been apart longer than the relationship lasted, you should be over it. They were 5 months at 11, not 5 years at 16. Poor wife.
I imagine this is more to do with being angry his sister is happy than anything to do with the ex at all.
This seems to be about himself only and not about any of the others as a person. It occurs to me, that he thinks "what I touched is not to be touched by another person". And maybe he has a problem with a girl "turning him down" because he is a man and she is into the same gender ( slight homophobic maybe ?).
He was 11 years old in 4th grade. It’s now 15 years later. What’s his problem? Homophobic?
I wonder how his expectant wife feels about his disturbing jealousy ans obsession with his sisters girlfriend.
I wonder if there is more to it and that its not just that Jenna is dating his sister but that Jenna is a lesbian and his manly pride is wounded? I have heard men complain about feeling emasculated when their ex partners turn out to be gay. Would he respond the same way if Lila was a brother and Jenna started dating him? Either way, Mother is right, Adam is an AH and I hope Jenna and Lila live happily ever after. (Not relevant, but their name combo is totally cute).
I had the same thought - he's worried he 'turned her gay' because she didn't like kissing him! (Can't be bothered being an adult and realising she didn't like kissing him because she was gay though - sheeesh!)
Load More Replies... Mother is right to nip this in the bud. Son is being repulsively possessive and arguably unstable. I wonder if his wife knows he's obsessing over Jenna.
I know right? I would not be happy if I was in a serious relationship, let alone married with a kid on the way, to someone who was obsessed with the person they "dated" when they were 11. In fact, I think we have a brand new category of red flags here.
Load More Replies... 1. "Dating" when you're 11 doesn't count as a significant enough relationship to call someone an ex, except in jokes. 2. Even a recent ex from a. Adult relationship can date whomever after you break up, especially after you move on, get married and have a child. 3. If he's that unhappy that an ex can upset him, the current relationship has failed and they should start extricating amicably for the sake of the kid. Because it's not going to last.
I wonder what his wife thinks of this nonsense? But he’s overreacting. When I found out my first boyfriend was gay, my reaction was “That explains a lot.”
If he thinks a romance at 11 was love, I am even more sorry for his wife and kid. Doesn't sound like he's matured any since then.
Of course it feels weird, but an ex can do what she wants. If he has moved on and even starts a family, he should focus on that and let his sister be happy. You don't own your exes.
When will people learn that you do not get to own other people and their feelings?. It's utterly bizarre that he thinks he can call dibs 15 years later on a woman who will never want him because he had a crush on her at age 11. Jenna and Lila's feelings for each other are 2 single people making choices single people have every right to make. He is married and has a child...he doesn't get to grind other people's life to a halt because it upsets his personal memories of childhood. So much of this world is about all the ways it's about me, me, me as though God put everybody else here to cater to your every whim.
I really hate this culture of "your not allowed to date my ex." I get finding it awkward but like, even the bro code on that is just stupid. You can have your own feelings, and out boundaries down, buy getting upset abd attacking over it is not okay. They never belonged to you, you don't get to be mad because someone you know is dating them now.
I could understand maybe if he was legitimately upset when she dumped him. Like yeah, 11 is forever ago but kid's feelings are still real - oftentimes more intense than adults. 5 months feels like a long time at that age and in theory, it could have been a foundational memory for him. It wouldn't make this *right*, just *understandable*. But the mom says he was over it in a day. Obviously he is making this out to be more than it was. I wonder why.
I don't understand obsession with first loves. Isn't that just for selling cinema tickets? If your next love isn't at least an improvement over the last, would you call it love? I can't think of any positive, healthy things where chasing that first high is a good thing.
A lot of men do this with exes who have moved on to other males - there seems to be a real disconnect with some of them, wherein they feel as if what was once 'theirs' should stay 'theirs'. The fact she's lesbian probably exacerbates it But age 11- 12? That's beyond ridiculous. I hope Mom doesn't cut ties though - his wife is gonna need some moral support, if not more - that's a huge red flag in so many ways.
I feel very sorry for the pregnant wife who's watching her husband destroy his relationships with his family by having a tantrum because his childhood crush is actually living her life. Doesn't sound like he's got a lot of energy left for the woman he made lifetime promises to, or the new person they made. Also doesn't sound like he's going to let the baby have Grandma or Aunt Lila in their life unless he succeeds in breaking up his sister's ADULT relationship and puts childhood crush Jenna back on the toy shelf.
Sounds less like jealousy or being hung up on Jenn, and more like a narcissist can't deal with the fact that Jenn is a PERSON. He's treating her like an NPC, that she is supposed to be defined by her relation to him and his past. This is like a spoiled kid who meets his grandmother's *other grandchildren* and throws a tantrum that they shouldn't be allowed to call her grandma because she's HIS grandma.
I have only read a few of the comments so far but I wonder if most, including this mother, are missing the point. It is possible that it seems so strange because it is dishonest(conscious? Subconscious?). I wonder if he is upset his sister is gay. He coped before by not thinking about it, but now that she is in a long term relationship he cannot think of it as a “phase”.
Fragile masculinity. If you have been apart longer than the relationship lasted, you should be over it. They were 5 months at 11, not 5 years at 16. Poor wife.
I imagine this is more to do with being angry his sister is happy than anything to do with the ex at all.
This seems to be about himself only and not about any of the others as a person. It occurs to me, that he thinks "what I touched is not to be touched by another person". And maybe he has a problem with a girl "turning him down" because he is a man and she is into the same gender ( slight homophobic maybe ?).
He was 11 years old in 4th grade. It’s now 15 years later. What’s his problem? Homophobic?
I wonder how his expectant wife feels about his disturbing jealousy ans obsession with his sisters girlfriend.
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