Bridezilla Blames Teen For Being “Too Flashy” And Ruining Her Big Day, Gives An Ultimatum That Leads To Teen’s Parents Pressing Charges
Most wedding guests are familiar with the unwritten “don’t wear white” rule, but if the bride is an insecure drama queen, you can get in trouble with even a seemingly safe option. Like sage green.
Which is exactly what happened to Reddit user RealisticTart2391.
The 17-year-old recently went to a ceremony thinking she was following its code, which asked women “to be modest, [wear] a simple color, and makeup.”
However, the bride’s mom asked her to join the two of them in private and berated the teen for “destroying” the big day. Even more, that was just the beginning of the drama.
After the whole ordeal unfolded, the teen turned to the internet to ask if she really made a mistake. Continue scrolling to read her account.
This teen got berated at a wedding because she wore a sage green dress
Image credits: runawaythelabel (not the actual photo)
And the bride thought it was “destroying” her big day
Image credits: Christopher Campbell (not the actual photo)
The teen shared the disgusting messages she got from the bride
Image credits: RealisticTart2391
Image credits: RealisticTart2391
We got in touch with RealisticTart2391 and she agreed to tell us more about what happened. “During the event (before her tantrum), it was pretty chill,” the Redditor told Bored Panda. “It was before the bride was outside saying all those votes of love, etc. I didn’t even see her, so when the bride’s mom asked me to talk to her, it was pretty strange due to this time being the second time meeting her.”
She said the bride managed to keep her emotions largely unnoticed. “No one saw her having a breakdown, only our fathers were fighting since he chased my dad. The guests’ faces were like [what the heck] is happening because it’s not normal to fight in the middle of a wedding.”
“I was feeling pretty bad for ‘destroying’ the wedding and was thinking about giving some cash for her. But with Reddit, I now see she was the problem, not me. As I said before, it’s not my fault if I’m attractive. I’m pretty sure the whole charge thingy will be a deal out of court since our businesses are related.”
And her parents are taking them very seriously
Image credits: RealisticTart2391
She provided more info on what has happened in the comments
Generally, as a guest, you don’t want to blend in with the wedding party (or even mimic it). According to experts, you should try to get intel ahead of time about what shades and colors the bridal party and the groomsmen will be wearing. From there, select an outfit that blends nicely with the tones or something completely opposite, but not too loud.
Also, “look at the invitation because it’s the first source of information for what colors you should or shouldn’t wear to a wedding,” etiquette expert Elaine Swann told Brides. “The invitation will contain the color scheme for the wedding.”
Throughout the invitation, there should be a color scheme, and these shades are typically the tones used in the wedding decor and bridal party. So, if you notice a repetitive royal blue or fern green, it’s safe to assume those are what the wedding party will wear. So choose colors that aren’t too close to them.
It’s one thing to select an outfit that makes you feel confident, empowered, and adds a touch of sexiness, however, keep in mind that showing up in something too exposed could offend other guests as well. Your selections should be mostly modest with little hints and playfulness of sexiness through slits, mesh, and open-back dresses. Try to consider the wedding’s dress code for guidance on how formal or casual your selection should be.
Ultimately, a wedding isn’t a chance to show off your body. Instead, “remember that a wedding is a sacred ceremony and reflect that in your outfit selection,” Swann said.
However, as we can see, even if you play by the book, there’s no guarantee that everything will be OK.
And people had a lot to say about the bride and her wedding
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I like how the bride wrote 'Its just a dress!' completely without any self awareness...
It sounded like she wanted a bunch of "Amish" girls at her wedding. Just as sad for her though, I've seen lots of Amish girls that are gorgeous with no makeup, in ponytails or buns, wearing their very drab colored, plain dresses, she still would not have been happy.
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About the comments on the bride's assumed size, I'm fat. I was fat when I got married 29 years ago. It never in a million years would have occurred to me to tell my guests what to wear or worry that they were prettier than me. Some were, that's just life. I was there to marry my love, not be some princess who is the fairest in the land.
Im a little on the heavier side and if someone wants to wear white or any dress or color to my wedding, let them lol. It will be my day and the bride is most beautiful at her wedding no matter that, its the law xD insecurities and batshit crazy know no bounds of size!
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New rule: Psych screening before anyone is allowed to marry, let alone have a wedding. What say you, fellow pandas?
Eh... nah, take them off the market. More sane single people to choose from, please.
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Bride from hell had extra clothes brought to the ceremony so she can force people to change? 😮
Baggy black replacement dress likely belonged to the heavy bride who wanted to be the most beautiful woman at her wedding. Insecure bride. She was jealous, unhappy & out of control. You're not TA.
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JHC, I hope her husband sees the error of his ways and GTFO ASAP. Getting mad AT A MINOR for a simple dress then texting said MINOR is absolutely uncalled for. Also, how did she get her number in the first place? Creepy!!! NTA times infinity.
WTF?? Do brides actually ask guests to "tone it down" when invited to a wedding?? I can't even imagine this! Part of the fun of attending a wedding is getting dressed up and going out! The bride is always the center of attention. She is the bride ffs. How can people be so insecure and selfish?
Is she afraid her new husband will leave her for a 17yo?
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I noticed OP's response about why she attended the wedding at all... that it's not safe for a girl to be home alone. At 17??
I have no way of knowing for sure, but based on some of the other little details in the post, it might be a cultural thing as well as a geographic-neighbourhood one. I'm not going to try and guess where OP is from, or how much of the safety concerns are cultural versus a dangerous neighborhood. It's possible this wasn't a local wedding so the daughter would have been home alone for more than just the evening. It's possible that culturally it's just not done, and as long as the daughter is happy and isn't being controlled, there's no issue with that. It's possible the neighborhood legitimately is that unsafe. And every 17 year old is different. I was an absolute mess at 17 but I could babysit my siblings while my parents went to a wedding because they were a short driving distance away if I called in an emergency. Then again, that was with a house full of younger siblings, which meant strength in numbers but also endless chaos.
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The dress code at my wedding was Come Comfortable. I even insisted my wedding party wear comfy shoes. It's already going to be a long day, why make everyone uncomfortable too???
My wedding party wore sketchers. The girls had ones that matched their dresses, and my dad had ones with Road Runner.
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That bride needs to learn how to spell, learn her own self worth (which right now isn't much), take the world's largest chill pill and maybe get a psych eval done. But seriously, if someone called my little girl a whore for wearing something she was comfortable in and spoke to her the way this bride spoke to you then I would be getting a restraining order. That toxicity is what this woman apparently thrives off and you need to keep as far away possible from that c**p.
Bridezilla needs to grow up & realize it's all her problem, not her wedding guest's issue.
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I'm guessing the black dress bride asked OP to wear belonged to bride. That explains a lot. Bride is insecure about being "mid-sized" and wants OP to look frumpy. Along with every other woman in attendance.
Sort of joking, but it should be a point of pride! "Look at this room full of beautiful women, and my husband chose me!"
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The only response to this is to leave with your family when confronted with this type of crazy. It would be a kindness to inform the groom on the way out as he still has a chance to run. But the family should consider the friendship at an end.
I had previously thought Bridezillas were an American thing as well as the 6- figure wedding budgets and destination weddings. I've been so wrong... I don't understand how these guys don't see this behavior as a giant RED flag. "Run Forest, run."
I think the bride taking out her own insecurities on a young girl is horrific, i'm guessing the 17 year old in her plain green dress just looked beautiful. Jealousy is a terrible thing . Everyone notices the bride on her wedding day, I was glad to share any attention I had on my wedding day with the other brides around me ( I got married in Gretna Green over the Anvil) as i'm not really into an 'all about me day' hence my small wedding in Scotland far from the madding crowd 😊
Bride is a psycho, but how are they pressing charges? What did she do that was illegal?
I think it's the insults, not the request of changing dress
Load More Replies... What is this thing with a colour code for a wedding? Don't wear white and don't attend in your sweatpants. For anything else, it's up to you.
It can be fun, if people aren't monsters. Like having a themed event. Costume wedding (Halloween theme, or fairy tale), vintage, theater event etc. Some people figure their wedding should be a fun show, if they're going to spend money, and dress codes can make it feel more cohesive. Think of it more like a dinner theater. The problem is some wedding couples abuse the idea, and their guests, and also sometimes guests don't really understand the fun of doing a themed event. I think it mostly falls apart when someone thinks they have more rights than others.
Load More Replies... This is why I don't want a wedding. I don't like bridezilla behavior at all, but this tops the worst behavior I've ever read about. The audacity of the bride to tell the 17-year-old girl to change out of the dress she was wearing because the bride was too insecure, and then to text her and say mean things about the girl, who's a minor btw, it's messed up. I hope the girl and her parents don't have to put up with that c**p anymore.
How did she know what OP looked like? Or did her mother tell her that OP would outshine her?
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Nobody's dress is stealing the spotlight from the bride. Some people get crazy ideas in the head that aren't real
Hopefully the groom takes a clue if this is what he has to put up with a highly doubt the marriage will last long
We got married last year, and I wore a navy dress, knee length. We've both been married before, and we were just coming out of COViD restrictions. I actually had an acquaintance go off on me because I didn't do the full white meringue. Apparently my choice wasn't good enough for a wedding. Made me laugh.
In my country the brides better have a boatload of confidence because nobody is going to dim their light for them. In fact the brides go overboard with hair, dress and makeup because they know that. The women are EXPECTED to be super mega sexy and wear the most revealing and beautiful clothes with tons of makeup and dance like crazy. You really can't ask people to change and/or take the makeup off. It's almost a mortal sin lol. That bride would have been laughed off to infinity and beyond IF she had dared to make such requests. Besides around us there always be someone more beautiful than us. Are these women asking their colleagues also to change clothes in the workplace????
And once again, zero controversy in this one. Why, BP, WHY don't we ever get any interesting AITAs? There are PLENTY
Bridezilla clearly felt that you were so beautiful you put her in the shade. That's on her.
The involvement of police is fascinating to me. The bride threatened to call the cops on the girl for wearing a green dress with some makeup. The parents of the girl are pressing charges for sending hate texts. Who are these people? Somebody texted me hate, I will block the number, not call the cops.
The parents call the cops because they want to get the harassment on record just in case the bride try to do something to their daughter, or the father of the girl . You must always keep a record.
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This is why my husband and I went to Justice of the peace...way out of our town...on an absolutely frigid cold day. No idiots, telling us what to do, how THEY were unhappy...whatever. had a reception, in a warmer month and my AH brother decided to fist fight our cousin. So no matter what you do, people are just AH sometimes. AND...my mother's attitude before we got married...she wouldn't have been invited...she never knew if we ACTUALLY got married. She asked once and I said 'what do you THINK?' Was one of the most satisfying things I have ever said to ANYONE!!!!
The green dress has a beautiful drape and the young girl wearing it is beautiful also.The bride would have found something else to fixate on that she perceived ruined her wedding. I feel sorry for the groom. The bride is profoundly disturbed.Eaten up by insecurity and lots of other pathological issues.
Diminishing another’s light does not make yours shine any the brighter. The bride is a fool to think that would work
What is a wedding all about? It's about two people who love each other so much that make vows and sign a contract to spend the rest of their lives together. What it isn't about is what others wear to said wedding! What it isn't about is how much money was spent. What it isn't about is how fancy it is!
you and your family should have just left it is not like you guys are family to the bride and if I was your father I would have cut off my friendship with this person too
If it’s “just a dress”… why was bridezilla so butthurt over it? AND why did she and her mother, both adults, see fit to pressure a CHILD into the dressing area and bully the hell out of said child? Clearly the poison apple is still attached to the toxic tree and neither the bride, nor the mother sound like very nice people. She ruined her own day. She deserved it to be in ruins for being such a bully.
Pretty sure that at my wedding someone could have been dressed like Bozo the Clown and neither my wife nor I would have noticed. We had other stuff on our minds that day.
People put too much into the wedding itself. Yes. You want it to be beautiful and wonderful. But at the end of the day, it is 1 day. A start of something new. It is not worth berating and alienating friends/family over. And it is not worth getting hugely into debt over. People getting to focused on their wedding would do better if they thought of that and tuned it down a notch.
Sounds like it was not about the dress being flashy, but about the 17yo looking too pretty for the brides liking
WTF happened to weddings?? It used to be just a fun party basically with friends and family SMH Nobody used to make up crazy s**t to care about.
How can I be more clear. Stop going to weddings, you lose money, time, and sometimes friends
The fact she then stalked OP, a child, online and started harassing her calling her nasty names is disgusting. She deserves to have the parents call the police and press charges against her.
Sounds like a very jealous, insecure bride. You followed her rules then wanted to make you a nun, nope, NTA
Not only do I NOT think this young girl is an a*s, but sage is a lovely color. She is 17, for crying out loud. As for the bride? My answer would have run the gambit from clean to less than clean.
Not the assshole, just a beautiful young girl who triggered this bride into thinking she wouldn't be the center of attention. 17-year-olds are often the center of attention without them doing anything but existing. I'm glad your parents are protecting you. It's no one's business why you attended the wedding or why you weren't left home alone, that's between you and your parents.
I find it disgusting that a grown woman was jealous of a child and how pretty she was. But it's not unbelievable because there are thousands of stories like this where the adult woman is jealous of a beautiful child...starts with Cinderella
If I got a wedding invitation that dictated my clothing and makeup because the bride was that insecure, I wouldn't go.
I hate wedding culture. People get so hung up on idiotic technicalities and on the wedding day being so big and important, that they completely miss the point - it is supposed to be a happy day, first and foremost. You marry a person you want to be together with, celebrate it with your families and friends and you all have a great time. If it's not like that, what's even the point?
Sounds to me like you ROCKED your sage green dress to the point that everyone was looking at you and bride was so insecure she just couldn't handle it. As for girls taking off their makeup in the bathroom? No. I would take myself out to my car and leave before some nut job demanded I do that.
I would like to know what country this was in. In case there was any kind of culture demands in place. Otherwise, this is totally bad manners on the part of the bride and wedding party. You don't dictate what someone else should wear and/or have for their make up! Has anyone seen pictures of a Kardashian attending a wedding? Yikes!
this chick is insecure to the point of psychosis and her parents are just enabling her
I like how the bride wrote 'Its just a dress!' completely without any self awareness...
It sounded like she wanted a bunch of "Amish" girls at her wedding. Just as sad for her though, I've seen lots of Amish girls that are gorgeous with no makeup, in ponytails or buns, wearing their very drab colored, plain dresses, she still would not have been happy.
Load More Replies... About the comments on the bride's assumed size, I'm fat. I was fat when I got married 29 years ago. It never in a million years would have occurred to me to tell my guests what to wear or worry that they were prettier than me. Some were, that's just life. I was there to marry my love, not be some princess who is the fairest in the land.
Im a little on the heavier side and if someone wants to wear white or any dress or color to my wedding, let them lol. It will be my day and the bride is most beautiful at her wedding no matter that, its the law xD insecurities and batshit crazy know no bounds of size!
Load More Replies... New rule: Psych screening before anyone is allowed to marry, let alone have a wedding. What say you, fellow pandas?
Eh... nah, take them off the market. More sane single people to choose from, please.
Load More Replies... Bride from hell had extra clothes brought to the ceremony so she can force people to change? 😮
Baggy black replacement dress likely belonged to the heavy bride who wanted to be the most beautiful woman at her wedding. Insecure bride. She was jealous, unhappy & out of control. You're not TA.
Load More Replies... JHC, I hope her husband sees the error of his ways and GTFO ASAP. Getting mad AT A MINOR for a simple dress then texting said MINOR is absolutely uncalled for. Also, how did she get her number in the first place? Creepy!!! NTA times infinity.
WTF?? Do brides actually ask guests to "tone it down" when invited to a wedding?? I can't even imagine this! Part of the fun of attending a wedding is getting dressed up and going out! The bride is always the center of attention. She is the bride ffs. How can people be so insecure and selfish?
Is she afraid her new husband will leave her for a 17yo?
Load More Replies... I noticed OP's response about why she attended the wedding at all... that it's not safe for a girl to be home alone. At 17??
I have no way of knowing for sure, but based on some of the other little details in the post, it might be a cultural thing as well as a geographic-neighbourhood one. I'm not going to try and guess where OP is from, or how much of the safety concerns are cultural versus a dangerous neighborhood. It's possible this wasn't a local wedding so the daughter would have been home alone for more than just the evening. It's possible that culturally it's just not done, and as long as the daughter is happy and isn't being controlled, there's no issue with that. It's possible the neighborhood legitimately is that unsafe. And every 17 year old is different. I was an absolute mess at 17 but I could babysit my siblings while my parents went to a wedding because they were a short driving distance away if I called in an emergency. Then again, that was with a house full of younger siblings, which meant strength in numbers but also endless chaos.
Load More Replies... The dress code at my wedding was Come Comfortable. I even insisted my wedding party wear comfy shoes. It's already going to be a long day, why make everyone uncomfortable too???
My wedding party wore sketchers. The girls had ones that matched their dresses, and my dad had ones with Road Runner.
Load More Replies... That bride needs to learn how to spell, learn her own self worth (which right now isn't much), take the world's largest chill pill and maybe get a psych eval done. But seriously, if someone called my little girl a whore for wearing something she was comfortable in and spoke to her the way this bride spoke to you then I would be getting a restraining order. That toxicity is what this woman apparently thrives off and you need to keep as far away possible from that c**p.
Bridezilla needs to grow up & realize it's all her problem, not her wedding guest's issue.
Load More Replies... I'm guessing the black dress bride asked OP to wear belonged to bride. That explains a lot. Bride is insecure about being "mid-sized" and wants OP to look frumpy. Along with every other woman in attendance.
Sort of joking, but it should be a point of pride! "Look at this room full of beautiful women, and my husband chose me!"
Load More Replies... The only response to this is to leave with your family when confronted with this type of crazy. It would be a kindness to inform the groom on the way out as he still has a chance to run. But the family should consider the friendship at an end.
I had previously thought Bridezillas were an American thing as well as the 6- figure wedding budgets and destination weddings. I've been so wrong... I don't understand how these guys don't see this behavior as a giant RED flag. "Run Forest, run."
I think the bride taking out her own insecurities on a young girl is horrific, i'm guessing the 17 year old in her plain green dress just looked beautiful. Jealousy is a terrible thing . Everyone notices the bride on her wedding day, I was glad to share any attention I had on my wedding day with the other brides around me ( I got married in Gretna Green over the Anvil) as i'm not really into an 'all about me day' hence my small wedding in Scotland far from the madding crowd 😊
Bride is a psycho, but how are they pressing charges? What did she do that was illegal?
I think it's the insults, not the request of changing dress
Load More Replies... What is this thing with a colour code for a wedding? Don't wear white and don't attend in your sweatpants. For anything else, it's up to you.
It can be fun, if people aren't monsters. Like having a themed event. Costume wedding (Halloween theme, or fairy tale), vintage, theater event etc. Some people figure their wedding should be a fun show, if they're going to spend money, and dress codes can make it feel more cohesive. Think of it more like a dinner theater. The problem is some wedding couples abuse the idea, and their guests, and also sometimes guests don't really understand the fun of doing a themed event. I think it mostly falls apart when someone thinks they have more rights than others.
Load More Replies... This is why I don't want a wedding. I don't like bridezilla behavior at all, but this tops the worst behavior I've ever read about. The audacity of the bride to tell the 17-year-old girl to change out of the dress she was wearing because the bride was too insecure, and then to text her and say mean things about the girl, who's a minor btw, it's messed up. I hope the girl and her parents don't have to put up with that c**p anymore.
How did she know what OP looked like? Or did her mother tell her that OP would outshine her?
Load More Replies... Nobody's dress is stealing the spotlight from the bride. Some people get crazy ideas in the head that aren't real
Hopefully the groom takes a clue if this is what he has to put up with a highly doubt the marriage will last long
We got married last year, and I wore a navy dress, knee length. We've both been married before, and we were just coming out of COViD restrictions. I actually had an acquaintance go off on me because I didn't do the full white meringue. Apparently my choice wasn't good enough for a wedding. Made me laugh.
In my country the brides better have a boatload of confidence because nobody is going to dim their light for them. In fact the brides go overboard with hair, dress and makeup because they know that. The women are EXPECTED to be super mega sexy and wear the most revealing and beautiful clothes with tons of makeup and dance like crazy. You really can't ask people to change and/or take the makeup off. It's almost a mortal sin lol. That bride would have been laughed off to infinity and beyond IF she had dared to make such requests. Besides around us there always be someone more beautiful than us. Are these women asking their colleagues also to change clothes in the workplace????
And once again, zero controversy in this one. Why, BP, WHY don't we ever get any interesting AITAs? There are PLENTY
Bridezilla clearly felt that you were so beautiful you put her in the shade. That's on her.
The involvement of police is fascinating to me. The bride threatened to call the cops on the girl for wearing a green dress with some makeup. The parents of the girl are pressing charges for sending hate texts. Who are these people? Somebody texted me hate, I will block the number, not call the cops.
The parents call the cops because they want to get the harassment on record just in case the bride try to do something to their daughter, or the father of the girl . You must always keep a record.
Load More Replies... This is why my husband and I went to Justice of the peace...way out of our town...on an absolutely frigid cold day. No idiots, telling us what to do, how THEY were unhappy...whatever. had a reception, in a warmer month and my AH brother decided to fist fight our cousin. So no matter what you do, people are just AH sometimes. AND...my mother's attitude before we got married...she wouldn't have been invited...she never knew if we ACTUALLY got married. She asked once and I said 'what do you THINK?' Was one of the most satisfying things I have ever said to ANYONE!!!!
The green dress has a beautiful drape and the young girl wearing it is beautiful also.The bride would have found something else to fixate on that she perceived ruined her wedding. I feel sorry for the groom. The bride is profoundly disturbed.Eaten up by insecurity and lots of other pathological issues.
Diminishing another’s light does not make yours shine any the brighter. The bride is a fool to think that would work
What is a wedding all about? It's about two people who love each other so much that make vows and sign a contract to spend the rest of their lives together. What it isn't about is what others wear to said wedding! What it isn't about is how much money was spent. What it isn't about is how fancy it is!
you and your family should have just left it is not like you guys are family to the bride and if I was your father I would have cut off my friendship with this person too
If it’s “just a dress”… why was bridezilla so butthurt over it? AND why did she and her mother, both adults, see fit to pressure a CHILD into the dressing area and bully the hell out of said child? Clearly the poison apple is still attached to the toxic tree and neither the bride, nor the mother sound like very nice people. She ruined her own day. She deserved it to be in ruins for being such a bully.
Pretty sure that at my wedding someone could have been dressed like Bozo the Clown and neither my wife nor I would have noticed. We had other stuff on our minds that day.
People put too much into the wedding itself. Yes. You want it to be beautiful and wonderful. But at the end of the day, it is 1 day. A start of something new. It is not worth berating and alienating friends/family over. And it is not worth getting hugely into debt over. People getting to focused on their wedding would do better if they thought of that and tuned it down a notch.
Sounds like it was not about the dress being flashy, but about the 17yo looking too pretty for the brides liking
WTF happened to weddings?? It used to be just a fun party basically with friends and family SMH Nobody used to make up crazy s**t to care about.
How can I be more clear. Stop going to weddings, you lose money, time, and sometimes friends
The fact she then stalked OP, a child, online and started harassing her calling her nasty names is disgusting. She deserves to have the parents call the police and press charges against her.
Sounds like a very jealous, insecure bride. You followed her rules then wanted to make you a nun, nope, NTA
Not only do I NOT think this young girl is an a*s, but sage is a lovely color. She is 17, for crying out loud. As for the bride? My answer would have run the gambit from clean to less than clean.
Not the assshole, just a beautiful young girl who triggered this bride into thinking she wouldn't be the center of attention. 17-year-olds are often the center of attention without them doing anything but existing. I'm glad your parents are protecting you. It's no one's business why you attended the wedding or why you weren't left home alone, that's between you and your parents.
I find it disgusting that a grown woman was jealous of a child and how pretty she was. But it's not unbelievable because there are thousands of stories like this where the adult woman is jealous of a beautiful child...starts with Cinderella
If I got a wedding invitation that dictated my clothing and makeup because the bride was that insecure, I wouldn't go.
I hate wedding culture. People get so hung up on idiotic technicalities and on the wedding day being so big and important, that they completely miss the point - it is supposed to be a happy day, first and foremost. You marry a person you want to be together with, celebrate it with your families and friends and you all have a great time. If it's not like that, what's even the point?
Sounds to me like you ROCKED your sage green dress to the point that everyone was looking at you and bride was so insecure she just couldn't handle it. As for girls taking off their makeup in the bathroom? No. I would take myself out to my car and leave before some nut job demanded I do that.
I would like to know what country this was in. In case there was any kind of culture demands in place. Otherwise, this is totally bad manners on the part of the bride and wedding party. You don't dictate what someone else should wear and/or have for their make up! Has anyone seen pictures of a Kardashian attending a wedding? Yikes!
this chick is insecure to the point of psychosis and her parents are just enabling her
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