Choosing an outfit for a wedding can be quite a headache, especially considering the dos and don’ts of wedding attire: no white, unless told otherwise, typically no bright colors, and so on.
Such restrictions put a cloud over this redditor’s wedding, as his brother wanted to wear a rainbow-colored tux to the wedding. The groom-to-be didn’t think that was an appropriate option and fights ensued, resulting in the brother and his boyfriend being uninvited and some guests even uninviting themselves.
People are typically expected to refrain from wearing something too bright to a wedding
Image credits: mrfabulousfox / Reddit (not the actual photo)
This groom-to-be uninvited his brother from the wedding because he wanted to wear a rainbow tux
Image credits: James Bold / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Yrboiduck
The OP’s brother seemed hurt by the groom-to-be opposing his idea of wearing a rainbow-colored tux
Image credits: THIS IS ZUN / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Wedding dress codes can be both a blessing and a curse; on one hand, they help narrow down the nearly limitless options you can choose from, but they can also restrict you from wearing what it is that you have your mind set on, as it was in the OP’s brother’s case.
The redditor’s brother, Sam, had chosen a rather colorful option, a rainbow tuxedo, which unfortunately clashed with the dress code on the invitation—black and white only. Sam’s reaction to his brother opposing such an idea showed that the choice was probably not an accidental one; he called his brother a homophobe, as the rainbow colors are internationally recognized as the symbol of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer pride.
The rainbow flag as a symbol for what was then referred to as the gay community was reportedly created back in the 1970s, when a member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors and the first openly gay man elected to public office, Harvey Milk, asked the artist and designer Gilbert Baker to create a symbol for said community. Baker agreed and together with the help of Lynn Segerblom—also known as Faerie Argyle Rainbow—designed the rainbow-striped flag featuring eight colors.
But the redditor in the story didn’t oppose his brother’s choice of attire because of the symbolism; he was seemingly against it as he didn’t want the tux to stand out, especially since the guests were asked to wear black and white only.
Some wedding dress codes entail quite strict requirements regarding one’s outfit
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
A black and white dress code on the OP’s wedding invitation likely referred more to the color palette than the level of formality; though, the so-called white-tie and black-tie dress codes are known as the two most formal options in regards to wedding attire.
As pointed out in The Knot Magazine, while white-tie weddings are not that common nowadays, if you are invited to one after all, you are expected to bring your a-game. Such a dress code for men typically entails a dark tuxedo tailcoat with fabric extensions reaching the back of their knee, as well as a white piqué button-down shirt, a white vest, a bow tie, and a cummerbund—a broad waist sash.
When it comes to women and white-tie weddings, they are expected to show up in formal dress, too, which, according to The Knot, often entails full-length evening or ball gowns, finest jewelry, and sleek shoes to go with it all; a pair of elbow length silk gloves would also be acceptable on such an occasion.
As the second most formal dress code, a black-tie might not require the guests to abide by rules as strict as the white-tie, however, under such a dress code, people are still expected to dress rather formally, so yes, a tuxedo is a must in this case, too.
Other dress code options that one might see on a wedding invitation include black-tie optional, formal, and cocktail attire respectively (in regards to how formal the outfit is expected to be). The more casual options include beach formal, semi-formal or dressy casual, as well as daytime or casual attire.
It’s difficult to determine how formal the OP wanted his wedding to be, but the dress code he went with resulted in a rift between the siblings, as it didn’t line up with what his brother had in mind. Not only that, the situation seemingly split the internet community into camps as well, since fellow redditors didn’t see eye to eye regarding whether or not the OP was a jerk in the situation.
The OP shared more details in the comments
Some redditors didn’t think the OP was a jerk in the situation
Others believed he shouldn’t have cared for the color of the brother’s outfit
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OP has to stop guilting himself so much. He didn't know that his brother had issues and wasn't trying to make him feel worse on purpose. Regarding bipolarity, I had someone like that in the family (she died of old age by now) and this is not how it is. One does not have a depressive episode because of not being allowed to wear a certain colourful outfit to a wedding. Paired with the fact that Sam apparently likes to be the center of attention at all times, this just screams of good old entitlement. I'm not denouncing that Sam might be bipolar, and that it possibly overlapped with his usual entitlement, but this is not an excuse from trying to steal the show of the wedding couple
I completely agree with you. I hate the current climate of making excuses for bad behaviour based on mental or political issues. It doesn't matter if he's bipolar or gay or whatever. As sad as it is, his mental health issues are his problem to deal with. He can't expect everyone to press pause on their life and bend backwards, ruining their most significant milestones because he's struggling. This is not about him wearing a headscarf die to cancer treatment, or him wanting to wear a pride pun or a pride tie or even a dress while respecting the dress code, this is him trying to upstage his brother and stealing his one day of celebration and slandering his brother because he's not getting his way. And yes, I doubt this has anything to do with being bipolar. Even if the diagnosis is legit.
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Lots of people not understanding that the rainbow tux IS the white dress in this context.
Being bipolar may make you act like a twat. It doesn't mean any/everybody has to put up with it.
Usually not like this, besides it's not like he became bipolar over night, in a lot of cases it's even hereditary. I'm having difficulties thinking that this is due to the bipolar disorder, rather it's probably about him finding out about it, or something else that's going on.
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I would've done the same thing...a rainbow tux would be a distraction and take attention from the couple whose getting married.
It's really not cool to pull the bigot card when you don't get your own way. That's entitled brat behavior, even with bi-polar disorder. Would the gay brother have supported another one of the guests wearing a white gown?? I guarantee he would have called that tacky. He's just mad he's not going to be the center of attention, which is what he was going for when he picked the outfit. He could have easily incorporated a rainbow somewhere else in his attire - like with socks or a tie.
OP didn't cause brother's mental health problems. (Also, as someone who was recently diagnosed with bipolar: I literally bought rainbow clothes when I was hypomanic because THE COLORS, MAN!!! and also I dgaf about what people thought of me while I was hypomanic. So I showed up at a psychiatrist's appointment with rainbow clothes and jewelry and then tried to tell her I didn't have bipolar disorder lolol)
The colors, man! - love this. I wish i dgaf what people thought more often! (But all the best to you, BP is a hard illness 🧡)
Load More Replies... the amount of NTA is astounding. I'm gay, and would never wear a rainbox tux to a wedding. It's obviously about making yourself the stand out and it would obviously outshine the bride and groom. Being bipolar has nothing to do with his reaction. The brother wants to be the center of attention and got angry when he got denied.
I am very pro-gay, but if f someone wore a loud rainbow suit (or dress) to a wedding I'd be thinking they had hired a clown for the event. I don't think I'd connect it with 'gay'.
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Just because someone refuses to tolerate your bad behavior does not mean they are homophobic.
Exactly the same as wearing a white wedding dress. Screams "Look at me!" which he should understand is not appropriate for a guest. Now, if the groom wore the rainbow suit, that would be different, maybe he should offer to wear it himself to make his brother's point. And see what he says.
I'm really getting sick of people throwing a tantrum and playing a card because they can't get their own way. It makes it extremely difficult for the rest of us, and before anyone says anything, I am a member of several minorities. You follow the dress code for the wedding like everyone else. I'm sure as anything if the rule was, if you are gay you must wear a fluorescent yellow banana suite there would be a problem. Yes we all have choices but there is a standard of decency and respect we should adhere to. I am sorry his brother isn't well and it sucks to find out this way. But it doesn't really chance the issue at hand. I'm sorry for the rant.
Stand your ground op. You are the one getting married and are allowed to make reasonable demands regarding dress code and if he cannot follow them then you have every right to uninvited him from your wedding. In response to his bipolar and homophobia comments, he is in the wrong as it sounds like you made reasonable requests with valid explanations and he was just shutting you down. And being bipolar can be disruptive to people’s mood but it shouldn’t be used as an excuse to be unreasonable and aggressive towards you. The best option would likely be to come to an agreement when your brother is feeling better or express your concerns with his outward aggression towards your reasonable demands.
OP did nothing wrong. Brother wants to be the main character. OP I hope you dont beat yourself up over this.
It's the "gay guy's" fault, trying to make their wedding day all about himself. He can wear the tux when he gets married. Don't try and be the center of attention on someone else's big day.
His mental illness is his to manage, not OP's. That's a rough situation all around, but if the brother is struggling, it's probably for the best that he takes time off, doesn't attend the wedding and focuses on his own well-being. That's nothing to feel guilty about.
As I said in the other thread, many weddings have someone who is incredibly angry that the bride/ groom are the centre of attention instead of them (the usual dynamic in the family) and will do anything to wrest the spotlight back. Your brother is this person in your wedding. You did not cause him to have the mental episode and you cannot fix it. It seems like this brother’s wedding is too much stress for now.
People (often straight people) love to pull the homophobic card whenever a gay person is a jerk, sexuality has nothing to do with being a jerk or not
Conflicting as hell. At first I kinda had a decision but then the bipolar stuff completely destroyed it
I do dislike when people don't get their way that they immediately go towards the "you are a XXXXX (insert whatever here).) From people who get turned down when asking for a date, suddenly they are ugly, fat, stupid, etc., to this situation. "I can't wear my equivalent to a white wedding dress to your wedding? You are racist/homophob/sexist... sigh. People need to get over themselves. As for the people who are telling the brother/groom he is wrong, obviously do not want to hear or know about the why.
Suitable attire for a wedding in NOT a rainbow tuxedo - unless the invite states colorful attire requested. As your invitation asked for black and white attire your brother is completely out of line. Bi-polar or not, common sense rules.
NTA, but you are kind of enabling him if you cave in. Is the rest of the family taking his side also in agreeance that this is event appropriate attire? He sounds like a spoiled child and now has the diagnosis to go nuclear whenever he doesn't get his way. Tough love just may be what he needs
Speaking as a lesbian - I don't think anyone has the right to turn someone else's wedding into their personal Pride parade. That wedding isn't about him, it's about the couple being married. And it's not homophobic to not want to turn your wedding into a statement. One important topic at a time. Right now, the event in question is the brother joining his life with his bride. Since THEY aren't a gay couple, Pride issues need to be tabled for this particular event. There's a time and place for everything, and this isn't the time nor the place.
I personally wouldn't care what any of my guests were wearing. Way back 23 years ago when I got married we had a semi-formal garden wedding but it was only the actual wedding party. My maid of honor was told the color scheme as were the best man(my brother) and they chose what they wanted to wear. I put on our invitations don't bring gifts and come dressed to have fun,no dress code. We all had an amazing time,have amazing pictures and everyone said it was the least stressful wedding they ever went to.
surprised no one mentioned a small compromise, let him wear a rainbow tie or something, so long as the tux itself is black?
Domerjohn15 in the post above hit the nail on the head. Nothing more needs to be said, no more context given. It's as simple as Donerjohn15 put it.
Both TA and NTA. NTA for not wanting the borther to wear a rainbow tuxedo, that is a completely reasonable request. But TA for immediately threatening to kick him out of the wedding. There is no need to immediately go that extreme. You can ask him not to wear it, explain how it makes you feel. And then take some time for everybody to settle down, ask the brother again to wear something else, take some time, and ask again. And only then, if you really can't agree, should you even start to think about disinviting him. Many gay people have been told their whole lives to not "act gay" and not "look too gay", so OP laughing at him and telling him not to wear this, might have brought up many painful feelings for the brother (even if OP was right to ask). Also, if someone disinvites me from a wedding at the first sign of disagreement, I would worry that that person didn't want me there anyway and was just looking for an excuse to disinvite me, maybe the brother has that doubt too. I also wonder if the brother feels that OP isn't really supportive of his sexuality, maybe OP made a couple of homophobic remarks in their youth (maybe even before the brother came out), and it can take LOTS of showing support to erase that feeling of not really being accepted. So maybe make sure he REALLY understands how supportive you are.
You may have missed the edit. OP DID explain to his brother why the rainbow suit wasn't appropriate. But his brother wouldn't listen. This sounds less like bipolar and more like entitled.
Load More Replies... It is really counter-productive to immediately threaten to disinvite someone from a wedding whenever you have a disagreement. That just adds another problem on top of the current problem. Now you don't just have to deal with the current disagreement, now you also have to deal with the other person feeling hurt and rejected, not feeling like you care about them, and possibly that person responding angrily which makes you feel more hurt or angry.
It's called "opinions" and "preferences" and "classic wedding colors", get over it
Load More Replies... OP has to stop guilting himself so much. He didn't know that his brother had issues and wasn't trying to make him feel worse on purpose. Regarding bipolarity, I had someone like that in the family (she died of old age by now) and this is not how it is. One does not have a depressive episode because of not being allowed to wear a certain colourful outfit to a wedding. Paired with the fact that Sam apparently likes to be the center of attention at all times, this just screams of good old entitlement. I'm not denouncing that Sam might be bipolar, and that it possibly overlapped with his usual entitlement, but this is not an excuse from trying to steal the show of the wedding couple
I completely agree with you. I hate the current climate of making excuses for bad behaviour based on mental or political issues. It doesn't matter if he's bipolar or gay or whatever. As sad as it is, his mental health issues are his problem to deal with. He can't expect everyone to press pause on their life and bend backwards, ruining their most significant milestones because he's struggling. This is not about him wearing a headscarf die to cancer treatment, or him wanting to wear a pride pun or a pride tie or even a dress while respecting the dress code, this is him trying to upstage his brother and stealing his one day of celebration and slandering his brother because he's not getting his way. And yes, I doubt this has anything to do with being bipolar. Even if the diagnosis is legit.
Load More Replies... Lots of people not understanding that the rainbow tux IS the white dress in this context.
Being bipolar may make you act like a twat. It doesn't mean any/everybody has to put up with it.
Usually not like this, besides it's not like he became bipolar over night, in a lot of cases it's even hereditary. I'm having difficulties thinking that this is due to the bipolar disorder, rather it's probably about him finding out about it, or something else that's going on.
Load More Replies... I would've done the same thing...a rainbow tux would be a distraction and take attention from the couple whose getting married.
It's really not cool to pull the bigot card when you don't get your own way. That's entitled brat behavior, even with bi-polar disorder. Would the gay brother have supported another one of the guests wearing a white gown?? I guarantee he would have called that tacky. He's just mad he's not going to be the center of attention, which is what he was going for when he picked the outfit. He could have easily incorporated a rainbow somewhere else in his attire - like with socks or a tie.
OP didn't cause brother's mental health problems. (Also, as someone who was recently diagnosed with bipolar: I literally bought rainbow clothes when I was hypomanic because THE COLORS, MAN!!! and also I dgaf about what people thought of me while I was hypomanic. So I showed up at a psychiatrist's appointment with rainbow clothes and jewelry and then tried to tell her I didn't have bipolar disorder lolol)
The colors, man! - love this. I wish i dgaf what people thought more often! (But all the best to you, BP is a hard illness 🧡)
Load More Replies... the amount of NTA is astounding. I'm gay, and would never wear a rainbox tux to a wedding. It's obviously about making yourself the stand out and it would obviously outshine the bride and groom. Being bipolar has nothing to do with his reaction. The brother wants to be the center of attention and got angry when he got denied.
I am very pro-gay, but if f someone wore a loud rainbow suit (or dress) to a wedding I'd be thinking they had hired a clown for the event. I don't think I'd connect it with 'gay'.
Load More Replies... Just because someone refuses to tolerate your bad behavior does not mean they are homophobic.
Exactly the same as wearing a white wedding dress. Screams "Look at me!" which he should understand is not appropriate for a guest. Now, if the groom wore the rainbow suit, that would be different, maybe he should offer to wear it himself to make his brother's point. And see what he says.
I'm really getting sick of people throwing a tantrum and playing a card because they can't get their own way. It makes it extremely difficult for the rest of us, and before anyone says anything, I am a member of several minorities. You follow the dress code for the wedding like everyone else. I'm sure as anything if the rule was, if you are gay you must wear a fluorescent yellow banana suite there would be a problem. Yes we all have choices but there is a standard of decency and respect we should adhere to. I am sorry his brother isn't well and it sucks to find out this way. But it doesn't really chance the issue at hand. I'm sorry for the rant.
Stand your ground op. You are the one getting married and are allowed to make reasonable demands regarding dress code and if he cannot follow them then you have every right to uninvited him from your wedding. In response to his bipolar and homophobia comments, he is in the wrong as it sounds like you made reasonable requests with valid explanations and he was just shutting you down. And being bipolar can be disruptive to people’s mood but it shouldn’t be used as an excuse to be unreasonable and aggressive towards you. The best option would likely be to come to an agreement when your brother is feeling better or express your concerns with his outward aggression towards your reasonable demands.
OP did nothing wrong. Brother wants to be the main character. OP I hope you dont beat yourself up over this.
It's the "gay guy's" fault, trying to make their wedding day all about himself. He can wear the tux when he gets married. Don't try and be the center of attention on someone else's big day.
His mental illness is his to manage, not OP's. That's a rough situation all around, but if the brother is struggling, it's probably for the best that he takes time off, doesn't attend the wedding and focuses on his own well-being. That's nothing to feel guilty about.
As I said in the other thread, many weddings have someone who is incredibly angry that the bride/ groom are the centre of attention instead of them (the usual dynamic in the family) and will do anything to wrest the spotlight back. Your brother is this person in your wedding. You did not cause him to have the mental episode and you cannot fix it. It seems like this brother’s wedding is too much stress for now.
People (often straight people) love to pull the homophobic card whenever a gay person is a jerk, sexuality has nothing to do with being a jerk or not
Conflicting as hell. At first I kinda had a decision but then the bipolar stuff completely destroyed it
I do dislike when people don't get their way that they immediately go towards the "you are a XXXXX (insert whatever here).) From people who get turned down when asking for a date, suddenly they are ugly, fat, stupid, etc., to this situation. "I can't wear my equivalent to a white wedding dress to your wedding? You are racist/homophob/sexist... sigh. People need to get over themselves. As for the people who are telling the brother/groom he is wrong, obviously do not want to hear or know about the why.
Suitable attire for a wedding in NOT a rainbow tuxedo - unless the invite states colorful attire requested. As your invitation asked for black and white attire your brother is completely out of line. Bi-polar or not, common sense rules.
NTA, but you are kind of enabling him if you cave in. Is the rest of the family taking his side also in agreeance that this is event appropriate attire? He sounds like a spoiled child and now has the diagnosis to go nuclear whenever he doesn't get his way. Tough love just may be what he needs
Speaking as a lesbian - I don't think anyone has the right to turn someone else's wedding into their personal Pride parade. That wedding isn't about him, it's about the couple being married. And it's not homophobic to not want to turn your wedding into a statement. One important topic at a time. Right now, the event in question is the brother joining his life with his bride. Since THEY aren't a gay couple, Pride issues need to be tabled for this particular event. There's a time and place for everything, and this isn't the time nor the place.
I personally wouldn't care what any of my guests were wearing. Way back 23 years ago when I got married we had a semi-formal garden wedding but it was only the actual wedding party. My maid of honor was told the color scheme as were the best man(my brother) and they chose what they wanted to wear. I put on our invitations don't bring gifts and come dressed to have fun,no dress code. We all had an amazing time,have amazing pictures and everyone said it was the least stressful wedding they ever went to.
surprised no one mentioned a small compromise, let him wear a rainbow tie or something, so long as the tux itself is black?
Domerjohn15 in the post above hit the nail on the head. Nothing more needs to be said, no more context given. It's as simple as Donerjohn15 put it.
Both TA and NTA. NTA for not wanting the borther to wear a rainbow tuxedo, that is a completely reasonable request. But TA for immediately threatening to kick him out of the wedding. There is no need to immediately go that extreme. You can ask him not to wear it, explain how it makes you feel. And then take some time for everybody to settle down, ask the brother again to wear something else, take some time, and ask again. And only then, if you really can't agree, should you even start to think about disinviting him. Many gay people have been told their whole lives to not "act gay" and not "look too gay", so OP laughing at him and telling him not to wear this, might have brought up many painful feelings for the brother (even if OP was right to ask). Also, if someone disinvites me from a wedding at the first sign of disagreement, I would worry that that person didn't want me there anyway and was just looking for an excuse to disinvite me, maybe the brother has that doubt too. I also wonder if the brother feels that OP isn't really supportive of his sexuality, maybe OP made a couple of homophobic remarks in their youth (maybe even before the brother came out), and it can take LOTS of showing support to erase that feeling of not really being accepted. So maybe make sure he REALLY understands how supportive you are.
You may have missed the edit. OP DID explain to his brother why the rainbow suit wasn't appropriate. But his brother wouldn't listen. This sounds less like bipolar and more like entitled.
Load More Replies... It is really counter-productive to immediately threaten to disinvite someone from a wedding whenever you have a disagreement. That just adds another problem on top of the current problem. Now you don't just have to deal with the current disagreement, now you also have to deal with the other person feeling hurt and rejected, not feeling like you care about them, and possibly that person responding angrily which makes you feel more hurt or angry.
It's called "opinions" and "preferences" and "classic wedding colors", get over it
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