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36 Older People Share Brutally Honest Truths About Being Divorced Or Separated At Their Age
Interview With Expert
In a perfect world, marriages last forever. The couple gets to fulfill the vows they made to each other, until death do they part. But as we know, life doesn’t work that way.
Many marriages end, whether abruptly or after decades of prolonging a costly mistake. These people would know what the latter feels like, and they shared their experiences in a Reddit thread from a few years ago. Some expressed sheer joy, while others struggled to get back on their feet for a while.
If you’ve gone through something similar, we’d like to hear about it in the comment boxes below. As you scroll through, you will also find some insights from a few experts about gray divorces.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
I’m 65. All single women my age are loving life. We do what we want when we want. I’m so tired of cooking and cleaning for a man that totally just expects it. Nope. No more.
Stephanie A Mutti 4 months ago
Now when I do stuff like clean the house or make a great meal or do laundry it's because I DESERVE a clean house, good food, and clean clothes.
RELATED:
#2
After 13 years of marriage, got divorced at 55. My wife initiated.
Even though I'm a single parent of two teens now, yes my life is better. Not sure the same is true for my ex. She divorced me to go on holidays with someone who appears to have dumped her as soon as he found out she was no longer married.
She asked me to marry her again a year after the divorce because "it would be easier" and I laughed and said no. Wouldn't be easier for me.
Stephanie A Mutti 4 months ago
Mine told me that she had made it "too easy for me" as her part in the break-down of the marriage. I can assure you, she did NOT make it too easy for me.
#3
I’m 64f, been divorced 14 years. Love living alone and don’t want any relationships either. A wise woman once told me, after a certain age men either want a nurse or a purse. I don’t care to be either.
One of the experts we spoke to was Marina Shepelsky, CEO and founding attorney at Shepelsky Law. As she tells Bored Panda, there is usually a greater emotional weight among older people who end up divorcing compared to younger couples.
“They are less likely to fight over custody but more likely to worry about financial independence post-divorce. Many express feelings of personal reinvention or regret,” said Marina, who also went through a divorce herself.
#4
Much better! No one is micromanaging me, criticizing me, controlling me, accusing me or projecting their bad behavior my way. I live a peaceful and fulfilling life now.
#5
My brother and his wife divorced after thirty years. They signed the papers at the beginning of last year.
Now, my sister in law wasn't a picnic. But she wasn't awful, just a bit loopy. And she was making a ton of money as an optometrist while he hit a lick at working and spent his spare time out on the golf course. The problems between them was wasn't anything that some good marriage counseling wouldn't solve. But my brother, who isn't known for his wise decisions or his backbone, decided to go DefCon1.
He thought his newly-divorced self would be having panties lobbed at him by single women the minute he walked out of court. Instead, he's learning that a guy who doesn't take care of himself, who doesn't have a steady income, and likes hanging out in bars with his buddies isn't exactly all that.
So he's been trying online dating and winding up with some lulus. And seventeen months after the divorce, he complains that he still hasn't been laid. It's absolutely depressing to go hang out with him at a bar and watch him practically throw himself at bartenders and servers who are literally younger than his daughter.
Meanwhile, my sister-in-law is doing fine, met a new guy and is now looking at getting remarried. She's an attractive, funny woman.
Basically, my brother is a 62-year-old man who's essentially behaving like he's 17. But when I try to give him advice, he just won't listen. I have a sneaking suspicion that this won't end well.
#6
Life got so much better! We were together for 31 years and I am grateful daily that he is gone! Life is peaceful and joyful and anyone I invite in has to make my life better, not worse.
Cheers!
Asset division and breaking decades-old routines are other issues unique to gray divorce, according to Emma Alves, a senior lawyer at Alves Law. Apart from properties and shared bank accounts, the couple will also need to sort out pensions, retirement savings, and real estate portfolios they’ve built up.
The adult children may also get involved, which Emma says may get to the “point of embarrassing things.” That may complicate their situation further.
#7
Divorced after fifty one years. It is truly like a death in the family. Financially life is iffy, had hoped we could at least have had the ability to get along, but that didn’t happen. Sorry the grown up kids had to make a choice on which parent they could talk to, that should not have happened! So seems like all decisions are still made by him!
Truly, I am glad he has moved on and made a new life for himself. I am content just being alone. Therapy helped me get my voice back,hadn’t realized that I lost myself in that marriage.
Fuhleeheece 4 months ago
Some petty people think that it's not enough that they win; others must lose.
#8
Divorced after 25 years and three kids. He behaved like a fourth child and I was exhausted.
Eight years since it was finalized and I have downshifted my career, own my home and travel whenever I want.
I have a great relationship with our kids and they also maintain a relationship with him. 10/10 would do it again.
#9
Divorced ten years ago when I was 50 and ending it was one of the best decisions I’ve made, for the kids and myself. Went on to have another long term relationship that was much better than my marriage. That ended on good terms and also led to a lot of healing following the bad marriage. I felt damaged and broken. Even though my seven year relationship ended a year ago, I have absolutely no regrets about it and it absolutely made me a better person. Staying married “for the kids” is so counterproductive. Kids see when their parents don’t get along and generally don’t like living in a toxic home any more than the adults do.
Jane Hower 3 months ago
My son, when Sr in HS, said he'd try to go to a military academy so as to not cause a financial burden so that I would be able to more easily leave the marriage. He could see what I was trying to hide.
Sorting out the financial aspects can be tricky among older people who get divorced. Several factors are at play, according to certified divorce financial analyst and Your Divorce Made Simple founder Amy Colton.
“There are additional questions that come up, such as, ‘How does social security affect me when getting a divorce? Will I be able to afford my new life? Will we sell the marital home? What are the tax ramifications of splitting up the marital estate?’”
#10
Divorced after 25 years together, after a failed attempt to reconcile from her months long affair with an OxyContin j****e. It was all triggered by me having a career crisis (never missed a paycheck) and her deciding (my theory) that I broke some unwritten rule that I was to take care of her, not vice versa.
Hugely relieved to no longer have my fortunes tethered to someone who would obviously abandon me if I was infirm.
New, final spouse is, above all else, kind. But also emotionally competent, independent and intellectually brilliant.
#11
So so so much better! It's costing me a pile of money - I call them my freedom payments and I don't regret writing that check every month. After 42 years, enough was enough - couldn't lift a finger around the house, decided that he really didn't need to work. Thought that he should spend his days talking on the phone and watching Fox news.
Mark Fergel 4 months ago
Could have just said "....watching Fox News" and justified the divorce.
#12
He kept harassing me for an open marriage, aka someone else, so I divorced him after 38 years, but she didn’t actually want him. My teenage son seems happier. I know I am.
Tara L. 4 months ago (edited)
Men like that way way over estimate how attractive they are lol. I dunno why so many troglodytes think they're going to get a young 10/10 woman whenever they want lol. Like the person said above "He thought his newly-divorced self would be having panties lobbed at him by single women the minute he walked out of court. " lol soooo many guys think this way, it's funny how delusional they are.
According to Marina, the typical reasons for gray divorces include emotional disconnection post-empty nest, the desire for personal freedom and new experiences, chronic unresolved conflicts, caregiver burnout due to illness, infidelity, and realizing they’ve grown apart. These factors make mending relationships among older people more challenging.
“Patterns are deeply entrenched,” Marina explained. “And if the couple has been emotionally disengaged for years, there’s often little motivation to rebuild.”
#13
Divorced at 56 after 30+ years. I’m a woman who also lost my voice during marriage. I never even realized it because it was so gradual. I want a loving relationship and I enjoy keeping house but I’ll never give up my voice again.
#14
I was married for 18 miserable, unhappy, a*****e yrs. I’ve been married to someone else for 26+ yrs. We’re happy. Life is good.
#15
Life has gotten better. 38 years married and four years separated. Lonely, but still way, way better. Why? Chaos is gone.
Other older couples may find a “fix” by remaining married in name while living separate lives. According to New York-based family lawyer and Cohen Stine Kapoor LLP founding partner Martha Cohen Stine, it only “allows a charade” to continue “for the sake of the extended family.”
In some cases, Martha says the hurt spouse may also convince the other to pursue marriage counseling and try for a “reset.” Others may beg for a trial separation only.
#16
I am 56 was married 23 years - it ended at 49 years old both parties at fault likely. Easy to assume it was her affairs that were the root cause but obviously she was not happy and I was not there for her emotionally - always working.
Financially brutal for the first 3 years.
First year emotionally unimaginable horrible.
Then I got my feet back under me - took some chances in business that paid off - met a new lady and life is good.
The 2 adult kids seem to be doing well also which is all that really matters.
#17
So much better! He's off making a new wife miserable. I dated for a long time (ho phase was fun!) and now have a boyfriend of 1.5 years who is just a nice normal man. He's even more fun!
#18
In the past I was a mommy maid with an income. My current marriage is pretty great. I am confident that I can live independently and care for myself if things change.
Knowing whether to stay or leave a marriage that spanned decades can be difficult, especially while in the thick of things. According to Marina, the absence of resentment is an indicator that counseling may help improve the relationship.
“But if one or both partners feel relief at the idea of separation—or are already envisioning life without the other—divorce may be the more honest path forward,” she stated.
#19
Ex-wife called it after 35 years together. We both had our issues but for the most part functioned ‘okay’. That was almost 2 years ago. Over that two years the first few months were listless, and then my life became more of a journey of personal discovery. Now after a few missteps along the way, I’m far more optimistic than I have been in a very long time.
#20
Married for 25 years to a narcissistic a**hole, divorced at 46, the last 20+ years have been the happiest of my life.
#21
A hundred million percent better!!!
I've tired of "grey" men who just want mommies they can f*** and who contribute zero
Unfortunately, in my generation that is the majority.
Emma also brought up an important point: Love in the conventional sense is not a critical factor in determining whether a relationship is worth keeping. As she explained, it’s more about knowing whether the marriage is “becoming a source of life, or a drain to their lives.”
“When the emotional price tag is excessively high, leaving may seem the healthier alternative,” she said. Couples should evaluate “whether it is actually possible to stay in the relationship or if it is time to forget about the past and open a new page.”
#22
Better.
So f*****g much better.
Except I missed being around my kids 24/7 for the last couple of years.
#23
Not me, but I have an aunt and uncle who divorced in retirement. Their own kids say they wish they had done it sooner, and I noticed 20 years ago that they were amicable but not in love anymore. They're both now living their best lives. My aunt travels everywhere and my uncle has a new girlfriend.
I absolutely wish my husband had beaten cancer, but I don't know if we could've handled retirement. I need lots of quiet time and he was the sort who just. couldn't. shut. up. Work, conferences, separate travel for bike rides and the like, were always a blessing. We wouldn't have had those in retirement, and no matter how much you love someone, sometimes you just need to get away. It would've been quite a challenge. It's not an insurmountable one though, if both parties are on board.
#24
Not sure if divorcing at 55 counts as "Grey" but in my case much better off emotionally, not so much financially.
My own fault for letting her keep the bulk of our retirement funds. Now we are both turning 65, and she is retired and traveling, and I'm looking at working for at least the next several years.
From her end, Martha encourages looking at it from a financial perspective. She advises asking questions such as, “What will the retirement assets look like after the split? Will I have enough to live on? How will it impact my adult children (if there are any)?”
Martha adds that while the parent who keeps the marital home has the “advantage,” the children may become estranged from the parent who moves out.
“Easier said than done, but maintaining dignity and mutual respect during the process should be a goal.”
#25
My 30 year marriage ended three years ago, when my ex had an affair with a woman he met on Twitter. I gathered up my self respect and left... moved 8 hours south to be close to my grown kids. I don't miss his constant negativity, reliance on substances to cope with life, lack of integrity, and general unreliability one bit. The affair burned itself out in a few months and he isn't having much success with women since, from what I've heard.
I got married for the first time at 18, and always had a new man lined up as I left relationships. It feels good to be single, and to be content just as myself, not needing a partner to complete or validate me.
My sister left her marriage of 35 years and divorced her husband around the same time I did. She reconnected with a high school boyfriend and they got married last year. They're good together and I'm really happy for her. Our post divorce lives took different paths, and both are good ones.
#26
My dad was lonely at 85 after his second wife died. (My mom was gone as well). We kept saying, Dad, you need a girlfriend. Of course in his retirement home there were 95% women and him. But he said he didn't want to date a grandmother for god's sake, he wanted an 18-year old, and no 18 year old would want him. We believed him. Dad, that's disgusting.
He died a week short of 90. Lonely.
#27
Both better and worse but the balance tips towards better. On the better side, the bickering has ended, no more dealing with selfishness, childish outbursts or drunken belligerence, my finances are simpler, easier financial planning, I'm free and have nobody to answer to other than myself so my future is whatever I make of it.
On the worse side, I seriously need to get laid, life is easier with a partner, nobody to explore and experience life with and build shared memories, so many great memories are now regrets, nobody is looking out for me - if I died nobody would know or care until rent was due or some deadline passed.
It feels weird though. After all my years, I have no roots and no real attachment to anything. Once I drifted away from my wife there was just nothing left to orient myself around. My life is completely rudderless. Still, no regrets. I'll figure it out.
#28
20 years married (25 yr relationship). Better in many ways. Financially we've each suffered a bit, but both had big work changes in there too. My life is better in the sense of being alone for the first time ever in my life. I'm enjoying it, unsure of what the future brings, and that's ok.
#29
Divorced after 29 years, remarried now for 2 years and sooo much happier. My ex couldn't stand to visit his parents because of their bickering, and I TOTALLY saw ourselves in them down the line if we stayed together.
#30
Life is both easier and harder in unexpected ways. Getting out of such a miserable situation has been liberating but I'd do a relationship again because life is still better with a partner.
#31
I have been in therapy for years. Nothing helps loneliness and men my age only want s*x. There's nothing wrong with that but becuz I had such a bad marriage I just left to find someone who really loved me. Been dating 15 years with no luck. Turns out I am a handful.
#32
I’m 51f, divorced after 25 years. I stayed in the marriage until my children graduated high school. My life now is better than I could have ever imagined.
#33
My sister got divorced a few years ago after 29 years of marriage. For myself, her husband seemed a bit of a baby (couldn't really do anything for himself), but I didn't have any problems with him. A few years prior, we had a girl's trip with our niece and my BIL literally ate cereal for every meal while she was gone. My husband, OTOH, cooked for himself and went out to eat!
My brother hadn't liked him from the get-go and they almost had words a few times. My sister also had cancer a few years back and I started to see some cracks in their relationship. We live a few thousand miles apart, though, and usually when she came to visit, he was working.
They never had kids and I learned after the divorce that they hadn't ever combined their money, which turned out to be a blessing, even if it was hard for me to understand. She handled nearly all the financial things and paid the bills. Luckily, his mommy lives close.
Ultimately, an affair (his) broke them up. I kind of wonder if they'd eventually have gotten divorced if something hadn't pushed them. I think he thought he was going to ride off into the sunset with the other woman, but she dumped him a few months after the divorce was final.
My sister has recovered mostly now, but she was pretty sad for a while. She never cared for his parents, and they are very old. I think she's glad she doesn't have to witness the family falling apart when they're gone, although she does still sometimes spend time with her ex. She told me she was going to ghost him, but it didn't happen.
#34
Divorced after 22 years and my life is worse. Wayyy worse.
#36
As a gay guy I often hear the laments of women about men, clothing and shoes. It took some time to realize that many, if not most, women voluntarily suffer because of other women. Women admit they often dress to impress other women.
The men they choose lose their luster soon after the wedding. Who's special day was it again? Many women say I don't need a man. Truth is they never really did; except so they could have a wedding.
What do you think ?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 4 months ago
Although I was never married, I was with my ex for 24 years. We started dating when I was 18 and he was 19. He tried to control what (and how much) I ate, how I exercised, what I wore, and even the sounds I made during séx (he didn't like what I sounded like and told me to sound "cuter".) I lived with him for 3 years after my dad died and it was a nightmare (you should see The Wall I had to sleep under.) I moved back home last October and it's been so refreshing - I can wear what I want, eat what I want - and ironically I've lost weight since moving home! Plus I don't have to hear about how my cat is going to "ruin my life" (something he actually said, after I found my cat Kohl in a parking lot.) I can play the video games I want and don't have to hear about how sh!tty I am and how I'm not k!lling enough enemies (he once kicked me off our gaming team because I didn't have a high enough enemy-k!ll rate - our friends were like "you kicked your GIRLFRIEND off the team? dude, c'mon.")
Ms.GB 4 months ago (edited)
My aunt divorced her husband after their kids graduated hs. She's a wonderful person and she seems really happy. She's very active, always out and about doing something with family or friends. She spends time with me and always offers to come over and help me out with projects or just to go to lunch. She has a lovely home, spends a lot of time with her grandkids. She said she's not interested in relationships or marriage and honestly her life seems so much fuller now so I can understand why. My other aunt was divorced right after her children were born and she raised them alone until they were teens when she remarried a single father that she met at a school function. They were like the Brady Bunch there for awhile but the kids are grown and they're very close with their grandchildren. I can tell she still cares for and loves her husband very much.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 4 months ago
Although I was never married, I was with my ex for 24 years. We started dating when I was 18 and he was 19. He tried to control what (and how much) I ate, how I exercised, what I wore, and even the sounds I made during séx (he didn't like what I sounded like and told me to sound "cuter".) I lived with him for 3 years after my dad died and it was a nightmare (you should see The Wall I had to sleep under.) I moved back home last October and it's been so refreshing - I can wear what I want, eat what I want - and ironically I've lost weight since moving home! Plus I don't have to hear about how my cat is going to "ruin my life" (something he actually said, after I found my cat Kohl in a parking lot.) I can play the video games I want and don't have to hear about how sh!tty I am and how I'm not k!lling enough enemies (he once kicked me off our gaming team because I didn't have a high enough enemy-k!ll rate - our friends were like "you kicked your GIRLFRIEND off the team? dude, c'mon.")
Ms.GB 4 months ago (edited)
My aunt divorced her husband after their kids graduated hs. She's a wonderful person and she seems really happy. She's very active, always out and about doing something with family or friends. She spends time with me and always offers to come over and help me out with projects or just to go to lunch. She has a lovely home, spends a lot of time with her grandkids. She said she's not interested in relationships or marriage and honestly her life seems so much fuller now so I can understand why. My other aunt was divorced right after her children were born and she raised them alone until they were teens when she remarried a single father that she met at a school function. They were like the Brady Bunch there for awhile but the kids are grown and they're very close with their grandchildren. I can tell she still cares for and loves her husband very much.
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