Man Balancing Long Hours and Bills Faces GF’s “Equal” Chores Request, Turns To Internet For Advice
Sharing chores between household members can make tackling them way easier. That’s why couples living together often do, whether following the traditional gender roles or not.
This redditor and his girlfriend chose to assume such roles with him being the provider, covering 90% of the bills and taking care of all sorts of maintenance and yard work, while she tended to the home. Such an arrangement seemed to be working fine, until it no longer did, as the girlfriend was no longer content with it.
Sharing chores with a partner can make tending to the home way easier
Image credits: DC_Studio / envato (not the actual photo)
This redditor had an arrangement with his girlfriend that seemed to be working well, until it didn’t
Image credits: Media_photos /envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Successful_Leek96
Adjusting to your partner’s ways is often an inevitable part of being in a relationship
The OP revealed that it was his girlfriend who was more set on following the traditional gender roles; however, he himself didn’t mind such an arrangement. Even though both sides have likely had to make certain adjustments, they found a way to make it work, since—like most things in relationships—chores, too, require taking each other’s ways into consideration.
The ability to adjust shows that one is capable of change, which—for better or worse—can sometimes be inevitable when entering a relationship. A study of heterosexual newlywed couples during the first 18 months of their marriage revealed that even the partners’ personalities are likely to change quite significantly during this period.
Based on the Big Five Personality Traits—extraversion, agreeableness, openness, conscientiousness, and neuroticism—it found how each of them shifts by the time the couples conclude the first year and a half of their married life. According to the research, there were “declines in agreeableness for husbands and for wives, declines in extraversion for husbands, declines in openness and neuroticism for wives, and increases in conscientiousness for husbands”.
It is believed that it’s impossible to change a person at their core
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION / pexels (not the actual photo)
Even though change is seemingly inevitable for both men and women, the latter seem to endorse it more than their male counterparts, according to research from 2010. It revealed that for women, the gaps between their partner and the latter’s ideal version were bigger than for men.
From the looks of it, both genders tend to seek to change something about their significant other. However, professor of psychology at UCLA Andrew Christensen believes that in a marriage, the core traits of the other person are unlikely to change despite the effort their spouse puts into demanding it.
“People cannot change their basic essence even if they try, and it is futile to demand that they do so,” he told the UCLA Newsroom, adding that marriage is a package deal, where you can’t pick and choose the traits you do or don’t like. Yet Christensen added that one “can push for change at the periphery, but not at the core”, suggesting that it might be possible to meet your partner in the middle when it comes to certain issues; household chores, for instance.
Society tends to value men’s contributions at work more than their contributions at home
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / pexels (not the actual photo)
The OP shared that he is the main breadwinner in the household, which, according to Pew Research Center’s (PRC) data, is still the more common arrangement in opposite-sex marriages; 55% of such marriages have a husband as the primary or sole breadwinner, 16% have a wife in such a position, and in roughly 29% of couples, both partners earn about the same amount of money.
But even when both spouses earn the same, the way they spend their time outside of dedicated working hours tends to differ; women reportedly spend more of it on housework or caregiving, while men use it for paid work or leisure. PRC’s data also found that society tends to value men’s contributions at work more than their contributions at home, which might be one of the reasons they choose to or maybe feel pressured to spend more time at work.
In an update, the redditor opened up that he does work a lot of hours over the week, and now, to make matters worse, comes home to being antagonized by his girlfriend. That’s why some netizens in the comments suggested that the couple should really talk things through.
Fellow redditors shared their thoughts in the comments, the OP replied to some of them
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It isn't about how much you earn, it is about a fair division of labour which includes how much time you both work outside the home. He works more, so to be strictly fair, she should do more in the home. No idea if his yard work is 'sufficient' but they need to try to balance the two! Which wouldn't be 50/50 in this scenario!! As for home schooling, she might not be the right type of person for that, a lot of people aren't. Though being a stay at home mum won't be the free ride either seems to thinks it will be. Think more about what is best for the particular children when they arrive. Some children do well home educated but others thrive in a school environment. They need to talk a lot more and decide if they truly have compatible aims or can compromise better.
I agree with you. As he works 70 hours and she works 25, right now she should work 45 hr at home, plenty of time to keep the household running. This won't be too sustainable in the future though, if they want children. In the first years, when babies, children are 24/7 job, so she won't be able to to do all the household chores alone. And don't get me started with that idiocy about homeschooling. To be done properly, it's a full time job. If he wants her to look after the house all by herself and homeschooling, she will burn out in no time or they will be parts done half-assed. And it's not really an option if one part is your children education. Send them to school or hire someone to pick up part of the slack at home
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Kids go to school to make friends and learn social behaviors outside family and meet different cultures, not just to learn math and geography.
And most parents aren't nearly as good at teaching as actual teachers.
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There wasn't an option for what I wanted to vote. Not splitting chores according to income, but splitting chores according to hours worked outside the home. It just makes sense for the person working fewer hours to do more of the chores.
Exactly. It'd be different if it were a roommate situation where they would normally split things 50/50 regardless of anyone's work situation because there is no social or relationship contract beyond that. But they're in a relationship with agreed upon parameters and she's not fulfilling her end. Gender is irrelevent, aside from them deciding to be "traditional", so if she were working more and making more then he would be responsible for most of the chores.
Load More Replies... You're not compatible. She works part time you work full time. This shouldn't mean that she is also the full time housekeeper, her doing more does not mean doing it all. You could easily afford a cleaner, and homeschooling is so much more than being a 'stay at home's parent. You two just need to go your separate ways, only resentment will grow in this relationship. Resentment on both sides
I genuinely wonder if we change the script would it be the same scenario. As in, gender-based. I’m a SAHD who works about 20 hours/week & travels transpacific every Friday (12-hour day) and Sunday (6-hour day) which isn’t work-related. Husband (no gender issues here) is a specialist physician working 60ish hrs/wk. My net income is higher than his, but I work 1/3 the time. Yet, I also take on most of the emotional/mental/logistical labor, traveling between two homes. My expectations of his contributions are low, whereas his expectations of doing zilch are even lower. Because we communicate, we’re both equally aware of what needs to be done & we’re both always ready to do what the other hasn’t. He’s got my back with laundry & dishes if I’m behind. He deals with his fair share of the homes & gardens. The only correct division of labor is the one that works for both of you with consideration for each other’s wants/needs. There are no traditional roles. Just ask Rosie the riveter.
Dude is living in a dream world. You agreed to roles at the beginning, but this is the very definition of "easier said than done". Roles change, and sticking to "what we agreed on" when at least one of you is really not happy with the arrangement is a recipe for disaster. And, should they have kids, which is more responsibility than either of them have ever had, OP wants to throw homeschooling ON TOP of that?
lol. He works 3x as many hours, makes 8x the money, pays 90% of the bills, takes care of the cars, yard, and I’m sure any repairs. He’s already doing WAY more than his share. You’re the one living in a dream world
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Get a new woman. One that will appreciate the significant lifestyle you afford her. Sounds like you have another selfish woman.
Here is more issue of time than income. He works more, therefore he's less at home and has less time to do chores and get some rest. I work in retail, my BF works in construction. I work 40 hours per week, and his work hours vary a lot during the year. He's off on Sundays, I'm rarely off on Sundays. Our general idea is: around 6 PM the dinner will be ready in a tidy house. Who is doing what and when and how much depends on our schedule that day. We'll be both working from 7 AM until 6 PM, the difference is only what. Will that be chores or our regular job. We never sat down and had a conversation about it. It just came naturally to us probably because we care about each other and want to make each other's life easier and better, and that's something this couple is missing.
That is what I was thinking as well. OP works 70 hours so he either works every single day for 10 hours or 14 hours Mon-Fri (it could be a different setup as well). I don't see how there would be any time left to actually do any house chores. If OP doesn't work nightshifts then this means that by the time OP gets home it's already later in the evening and he only has time to eat and shower before he needs to go back to bed. I get wanting some help when OP has a couple of free days even if it something as little as vacuuming the living room or whatever. Otherwise, I don't see how he even could contribute if he is never at home
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Bro. Daytime hobbies? Bounce as fast as you can. You work 70 hours a week, she works 25. Not a good person. I sent this to my 5 sons. These are great examples of what not to look for in a relationship. If your SO isn't putting in as much effort as you, just bounce. Lot's of options out there.
Run away now. She literally wants to be a kept woman, and she's not sweetening the deal either: she wants you to give her your money, probably hire a nanny when kids appear, do half of chores AND f* off when she wants to enjoy her free time. What's in it for you, seriously?
I like the original comment above telling him to hire a maid AND break up with the girlfriend. I think we all agree that having her home school future children is an awful idea. By the way, I work 40 hours per week, and my wife has a part time job that averages 16 hours per week, at most. We live on 20 acres. I do all the upkeep on everything outside, my own laundry, some of the cooking, and I help with dishes. My wife does the rest of the housework. It works for us.
MrsWeasly9: Actually shut up. He's carrying their entire living situation financially, she needs to step up and take care of cleaning. Did he mention her ever having any mental tolls? No. So don't diss the op he's having it worse.
This chick sounds like my ex. I worked 70 hours weekly. She worked anywhere from 20 to 30 hours a week. I always did all the work on the cars and did 100% outdoor yard stuff. I also did 100% of the maintenance and upgrading to the home. To begin with she did all her laundry and I did mine. But she did 100% of the cleaning. It didn't take her long to start bitching about how it was so hard for her to keep the house clean but keep in mind she was home far more than I was so it was mostly cleaning the mess she had made. Sometimes I'd be rolling in at 10 pm or after and she'd start fussing before I had even had time to eat. I had to leave her because my mental health almost cost me my job several times. It's best to find someone on equal footing or you'll be right back to where you started. Some people she equal as 90-10 not 50-50.
Honestly it sounds like she wants to be a trophy wife. Expecting husband to provide financially for the family while she does very little to contribute financially or otherwise. My husband and I are in similar roles, he works full time and I care for the house and our meals. Overall it's a good system, and when I feel I have too much going on one day, I'll simply ask him to make dinner one night or do the dishes or do a load of laundry. For us, it works.
Absolutely! She wants his money to do nothing.
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You either split up chores equally and work OR one person goes to work more with less chores and vice versa. You can't have one person do equal chores but expect them to do treble the hours at work. He should set clear boundaries both for his own sanity and to ensure the relationship has a future. If she can't accept those then she's clearly not ready to start a family.
I do NOT agree on just throwing homeschool on the pile like that. Not every parent is capable of teaching, and not having the personal desire and drive to do so means the kid's education and development suffers. If the girlfriend isn't bringing up homeschooling herself, then it's off the table.
What is all this? 70 hours of work a week? I didn't even know a week had that many hours!! Well, you need that money to pay the therapist, and the nice boat that you share with someone who doesnt really care for you. Don't people have some self respect and self compassion these days?
I used to work 70 to 80 hours a week as a single parent when my son was in middle school and high school. It is exhausting.
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She works part-time, he works 70+ hours a week AND she wants him to do housework? Dude! Run away! If you marry her, it'll get worse. Tell her to get a 40-hr/wk job + you'll do the same so you can both do housework. :)
There needs to be a feeling of 'equality of effort' in a relationship where you share a home, and a lot of times one person makes more money so they consider that as somehow having more rights or more of a say. But if they both worked 45 hours and he just happened to make more money, then he should help more definitely. They're both equal in that case and should be sharing equal work. But the fact that a grown woman is working part time and has insisted on the 'womanly' role- but only the good parts- tells me she wants her cake and eat it, too. A stay at home role should be treated like a job- and should hold the same respect. I hate when people act like this isn't hard work. BUT- it should be. I'm tired of some women treating their spouses like a winning lottery ticket. Your work in the home should equate to the same as his 70 hour workweek, within reason. Especially if that 70 hours is purposeful to help maintain your lifestyle.
First, it needs noting, outside chores and vehicle maintenance are chores. And should be considered as part of the division of labor. Gf is just salty because she wants to be lazy. No way around that conclusion. If gf wants equal distribution of labor by her definition, she needs to get outside and do half of those chores so op has time to do half the indoor chores. Further, they do need to come to agreement about schooling children before having any but YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A CERTIFIED TEACHER TO SUCCESSFULLY HOMESCHOOL! Both my kids were homeschooled and had they chosen to attend college instead of learning trades that they are quite successful at, they would’ve had no issue getting in. They were being actively recruited simply because of being homeschooled. And people forget, who is your child’s first and most important teacher? Not someone who is certified to teach babies how to walk, talk and potty train etc. You have to be selective as to what and how to teach.
Further, one of my kids has a learning disability that the schools were failing to provide support on even with me asking for years in a row for an EAP based on doctors letters etc. The other child is an advanced learner that was being failed by inability to challenge and engage them. In the homeschool environment we were able to meet the needs of both at the same time. Something the schools just couldn’t seem to get their act together to accomplish.
Load More Replies... My aunt and uncle, both already passed away, were Farmers. Both also worked full-time outside of the house. My aunt told me they didn't separate chores. They both worked until things got done, and if my uncle finished early, he would start dinner or bring in laundry. If aunt Dot finished early, she'd head outside to see where she could help. My partner and I follow that principle. I will cut wood, mow grass, shovel snow, and he will carry in groceries, laundry, cook or vacuum. Done. No complaints. No sexist chore list.
This sounds very much what my husband and I went through except I wanted (and do) Homeschool. What this husband doesn't mention is what he does for work. My husband started his own business. At first, he was busy all the time, but as time went on, he did less and less work, went on vacations (with friends, brother), and spent time on hobbies. What didn't change was the amount of work he did at home. He kept telling me he "works 60 hours a week, and makes x amount of money" and "this is what you wanted." Come to find out he was just watching TV at work. That is not what I wanted. I got on his case for not contributing to the household. This husband, along with mine and many others, doesn't understand the toll it takes on wives to be stuck indoors just caring for the house. This only amplifies once children are in the picture. *Note to all those stating parents are not qualified to teach or bring up "socialization" should really talk to homeschooled families. You're misinformed.
How is this for fair and equal: just split everything equally. You make a list of the house chores and you divide it equally. You do the same with working hours: you make 70 hours? She should also make 70 hours. She doesn't want to do that? Then you get to work less hours as well. You decide on children? Then you have to work out a 50/50 arrangement when it comes to combining childcare and work.
Ah feminism. Great for telling women that they should be strong and independent, except when they can get the man to do more and more
Paying for weekly cleaning and/or grocery delivery is certainly an option but you can also be helpful on an ongoing basis. Put your dishes in the dishwasher as you use them not on the counter or sink, tidy the bathroom after you shower, clothes in the laundry hamper etc. However, it sounds like your girlfriend is happy to accept your money and blue jobs, saying she likes the traditional roles, but still wants more. Will she ever be satisfied?
What do people who live alone cope with paying 100% of bills, working full time and doing all the chores? This relationship is becoming full of resentment. At some point someone is going to get exhausted and overwhelmed. Sometimes some chores become more demanding and grunt work than usual and the person who does them may want a break time to time. Even where I work we share the tasks and take over when someone needs a switch, or help them out. There will always be someone who seems to do more than the other. Always. It doesn't last. They could switch tasks with each other and communicate what each other needs. Not go to the internet to slander the other because of a petty disagreement.
Welcome to the world of women. I work 12 hour shifts, cook, clean, and do laundry. I hate this post- stop talking to the internet and talk to your partner.
Together they make $360000 a year. Hire a maid service to handle the weekly housekeeping chores. Then they don't have to argue about it any more.
They need to communicate, but don't you love "I do the car maintenance" from guys? Like, does the car needs to be maintained every day? You know, like the stuff he thinks women should do? changing the Oil once a year is not the same amount of work as doing the dishes every day. It's also very telling that he thinks bringing up kids is "free time". Also, why does he first talk to strangers on the internet, instead to his wife? Nah, another good reason not to go for a "traditional" man.
well you went in the marriage together...if you are keeping tabs...on the other on what they make and what you are entitled to...then you are mistaken...something you have to discuss together...and not take to the internet for a reaction. You are in this relationship with your wide so talk to her...just her and not the internet. Grow up and be a bit more responsible in the relationship or divorce her and look for someone who makes more money if you feel that is what is important as you obviously do.
In my country Home schooling is rarely used, because it is believed that children develop better socialising skills when they go to school and don't just stay at home with their 2 parents.
She is a gold digger. If you haven't married her get out of the relationship now. You earn way more money than she does and work 3 times as many hours as her. She should be doing around 75% of household chores if you two are staying in a relationship because she isn't the one putting he food on the table.
If anyone wants the update https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/13tjz1v/my_32m_girlfriend_29f_is_upset_with_me_because_i/
Well buddy tell her find a better job and split 50 percent of the bills. That will have her singing a different tune Edit to add yard work and car maintenance is done outside of work hours which takes him well over 70 hours working in a week. She just wants to be lazy. I say get out now.
If they both get the same number of hours of free time per week, then that's fair enough. To make his wife work longer hours just because she doesn't bring in a much money is really not much of a marriage is it? If this man can't be happy with them working the same number of hours per week (jobs plus housework/chores), then he's not looking for a marriage partner. He needs to find a girl who makes as much money as he does so he'll respect her time, or maybe just hire a house keeper, a cook, a nanny. Jerk.
I think this really depends. What kind of jobs do they have? Does he just sit in front of a computer most of the day, running files and programs and having meetings every so often, or does he do manual labor? Same with her. I'm working 20 hours a week right now, but it feels like 60 because I'm working with children who have autism. They have all the energy in the world with no awareness that you're a living person too (before a particular understanding anyways). It's rough. So splitting the household maybe 40/60 respectively would be fair. The yard does need tending to, but they don't NEED a boat and s**t. And like many others are saying, he's making plenty, they could hire a maid. This whole thing has "not enough information" written all over it, and nobody seems to be noticing that.
People are all like, "he should dump her a**e!" (leaving her with nothing), and missing the point. Yes, he could 100% leave her with nothing... because the money he makes doing the insane 70 hour weeks (he chose to do) is HIS. Meanwhile most of her contribution is already unpaid, but allowing him to work so much and maximize his profits. She should not be expected to match his 70h work weeks, ESPECIALLY if most of it is unpaid labor. Once kids enter the picture she will be on the job 24/7 with no option to cut back hours, unlike him. He expects her to homeschool on top of it (another full-time job) and not have hobbies?? She will be the one putting her health and body on the line to produce their kids, and then likely will find herself being a full-time nanny/maid/teacher/+ a million extra little tasks, 24/7 7 days a week (even when sick). She needs to know now if he is willing to help at home if (when) she needs it, because once the kids are born it's too late. He will be getting all these services at very low cost compared to what he would be paying hiring other people. If they split tomorrow he has made bank and progressed his life while she is back to square one. Let's not pretend like he is the one with the short end of the stick...
I know a few married couples where the mom doesn't work outside the home, and she does the homeschooling. They interact with other homeschooling families, and have some blended classes for the kids. The kids also attend a few classes in the local school, so they get the best of both worlds. Homeschooling takes a lot of organizing and commitment to priorities.
So he works about 70 hours a week and she works 25. That's about 10 hours a day 7 days of work for him. She's going to have to pull the extra weight at home or another option is hiring somebody to relieve some of the burden. Also, homeschooling is nice in theory, but homeschooling isn't going to leave her much time for housework. And she might not even be cut out for home schooling. Either get over that idea or cut her loose and find someone who shares your values. There's plenty of women who wouldn't mind being the stay at home parent and homeschool. It sounds like he's overworked with his job and they also don't sound like a good match.
Tried the splitting thing with my first husband. He just couldn't bring himself to be a partnership. Although I was working and he wasnt
I can just imagine, she thought she wanted that division but then saw him take out the garbage twice a week (maybe). Then mow their postage stamp lawn once per week or every other week and said wait a minute this isn't adding up. Bet he doesn't rinse a plate and stick it in the dishwasher, just leaves it on the table. Maid service is what he's got now. Laundry, vacuum, dishes dusting.
NTA on the rest, but honestly, homeschooling just prevents children from making necessary social contracts and doesn't equal real education. It doesn't give you any papers either. Honestly, it should be illegal.
I only read the title. But, “fair” in a healthy relationship considers a lot of factors. For example, my fiancé and I both work full time jobs. But my fiancé is also doing online college. So, naturally, I am picking up a lot of the cooking and cleaning. However. Next year I may also be doing online school, so. We will likely need to figure out a schedule for our school work so that we can have the time to cook and clean. Also, it goes without say that if my fiancé ever comes home and had a bad day etc., and vice versa, we cool and clean for one another. Bc good relationships mean you’re a team and you give and take.
In relationships like this, there is always going to be a power imbalance, whether explicit or implicit. The psychology behind “traditional” arrangements in a modern society are highly fraught and subject to many factors. The woman demanded this arrangement, the man obliged but now they’re both trying to find the boundaries of what that means, exactly, in the long-term. The fact of the matter is, when one person is working outside the home, earning most of the money, while the other is doing domestic duties, nobody will ever agree on which one is more challenging or who is contributing their fair share. Him thinking that her homeschooling potential children will make things more “equal” is foolish but, also, her assuming she can just pursue hobbies while he continues to work long hours is presumptuous. They have a lot to work out before they have children, who will be a permanent fixture in both of their lives once they arrive.
If he was living alone he’d be doing it all. Why men expect maids when they marry is amazing.
If she was living alone she'd be doing it all. Why women expect sugar daddies when they marry is amazing.
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If she works part-time and also cleans the house, then when both of you are at home you both cook dinner do the dishes etc so that you don't make her feel like a waitress in her own home, that will just build resentment, plus will you be home schooling the kids as well? They probably need to know how to make your income, lots of air to clear between you two.
Guys, do you really want to know what women find attractive? What really gets their motors warmed up? Seeing you playing with the kids and doing house chores WITHOUT complaining. Seriously, it is very smexy. Don't believe me? There is a book called "P*rn for New Moms"
I hate the "I work more & make more money, I should do less housework" because it literally doesn't make sense. If you break up and you are living solo again, who is doing the house work? You or you hire someone if you can afford it. Why is pitching in 30-50% of the weekly chores to have a more equal division of labor unreasonable? Adding kids is a 24/7 job and those naps aren't your 'off' time. You are still on call. Being a stay at home parent is an on call life 24/7 for YEARS. For the first year of each child's life, are you going to hire a nanny or a cleaner or step up? If y'all are unhappy now and can't find a way to work out a more equal division of labor, which varies for each couple, then it is better to split up. Especially since this is a good way to see if you have an actual partner who is going to work with you or a boss. Because you really sound like you are her manager and that isn't conducive to lasting romance.
Women want a PARTNER not a manager. Harping on the amount of money you bring home really make it sound like you want to employ a wife...
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Its super hard for me to care about anyones "problems" making 340k. By all means... cry more about how hard your relationship is.
He works his àss off for it. He’s doing everything. She’s a leech
Load More Replies... I know now, from where are those idiot 99% USA flat-earth believers are coming. From homeschooling! How can be this legal? And if it is, why are you surprised and offended, when people say a butterfly is smarter than the typical US.american? (And all of you, who are feeling offended, can now downvoting ... proving my idea).
I'm wondering if this is a guy who leaves his socks on the floor and buggers on the couch. Is it possible she wants him to do some cleaning so he'll show some appreciation for the amount of work cleaning takes? I made my 5 year old clean up thousands of tiny scraps of paper off the floor yesterday. Not because I think this should be a regular thing. But because he tore up, and threw around, thousands of tiny scraps of paper, without any appreciation for what it takes to clean a mess like that. If she's been being his maid he may be taking advantage. Also, if you're earning over $300K cough it up for a weekly cleaning lady. That's not hard dude.
How much money you two make holly s**t hire a maid you can afford it.
so he works his a*s off 70 hrs a week, while she barely doesn't do anything with only 25 hrs and 50% of the chores and no bills to pay, but he should just pay for a maid so she can do even less? maybe she should just get off her entitled a*s and carry some weight.
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It isn't about how much you earn, it is about a fair division of labour which includes how much time you both work outside the home. He works more, so to be strictly fair, she should do more in the home. No idea if his yard work is 'sufficient' but they need to try to balance the two! Which wouldn't be 50/50 in this scenario!! As for home schooling, she might not be the right type of person for that, a lot of people aren't. Though being a stay at home mum won't be the free ride either seems to thinks it will be. Think more about what is best for the particular children when they arrive. Some children do well home educated but others thrive in a school environment. They need to talk a lot more and decide if they truly have compatible aims or can compromise better.
I agree with you. As he works 70 hours and she works 25, right now she should work 45 hr at home, plenty of time to keep the household running. This won't be too sustainable in the future though, if they want children. In the first years, when babies, children are 24/7 job, so she won't be able to to do all the household chores alone. And don't get me started with that idiocy about homeschooling. To be done properly, it's a full time job. If he wants her to look after the house all by herself and homeschooling, she will burn out in no time or they will be parts done half-assed. And it's not really an option if one part is your children education. Send them to school or hire someone to pick up part of the slack at home
Load More Replies... Kids go to school to make friends and learn social behaviors outside family and meet different cultures, not just to learn math and geography.
And most parents aren't nearly as good at teaching as actual teachers.
Load More Replies... There wasn't an option for what I wanted to vote. Not splitting chores according to income, but splitting chores according to hours worked outside the home. It just makes sense for the person working fewer hours to do more of the chores.
Exactly. It'd be different if it were a roommate situation where they would normally split things 50/50 regardless of anyone's work situation because there is no social or relationship contract beyond that. But they're in a relationship with agreed upon parameters and she's not fulfilling her end. Gender is irrelevent, aside from them deciding to be "traditional", so if she were working more and making more then he would be responsible for most of the chores.
Load More Replies... You're not compatible. She works part time you work full time. This shouldn't mean that she is also the full time housekeeper, her doing more does not mean doing it all. You could easily afford a cleaner, and homeschooling is so much more than being a 'stay at home's parent. You two just need to go your separate ways, only resentment will grow in this relationship. Resentment on both sides
I genuinely wonder if we change the script would it be the same scenario. As in, gender-based. I’m a SAHD who works about 20 hours/week & travels transpacific every Friday (12-hour day) and Sunday (6-hour day) which isn’t work-related. Husband (no gender issues here) is a specialist physician working 60ish hrs/wk. My net income is higher than his, but I work 1/3 the time. Yet, I also take on most of the emotional/mental/logistical labor, traveling between two homes. My expectations of his contributions are low, whereas his expectations of doing zilch are even lower. Because we communicate, we’re both equally aware of what needs to be done & we’re both always ready to do what the other hasn’t. He’s got my back with laundry & dishes if I’m behind. He deals with his fair share of the homes & gardens. The only correct division of labor is the one that works for both of you with consideration for each other’s wants/needs. There are no traditional roles. Just ask Rosie the riveter.
Dude is living in a dream world. You agreed to roles at the beginning, but this is the very definition of "easier said than done". Roles change, and sticking to "what we agreed on" when at least one of you is really not happy with the arrangement is a recipe for disaster. And, should they have kids, which is more responsibility than either of them have ever had, OP wants to throw homeschooling ON TOP of that?
lol. He works 3x as many hours, makes 8x the money, pays 90% of the bills, takes care of the cars, yard, and I’m sure any repairs. He’s already doing WAY more than his share. You’re the one living in a dream world
Load More Replies... Get a new woman. One that will appreciate the significant lifestyle you afford her. Sounds like you have another selfish woman.
Here is more issue of time than income. He works more, therefore he's less at home and has less time to do chores and get some rest. I work in retail, my BF works in construction. I work 40 hours per week, and his work hours vary a lot during the year. He's off on Sundays, I'm rarely off on Sundays. Our general idea is: around 6 PM the dinner will be ready in a tidy house. Who is doing what and when and how much depends on our schedule that day. We'll be both working from 7 AM until 6 PM, the difference is only what. Will that be chores or our regular job. We never sat down and had a conversation about it. It just came naturally to us probably because we care about each other and want to make each other's life easier and better, and that's something this couple is missing.
That is what I was thinking as well. OP works 70 hours so he either works every single day for 10 hours or 14 hours Mon-Fri (it could be a different setup as well). I don't see how there would be any time left to actually do any house chores. If OP doesn't work nightshifts then this means that by the time OP gets home it's already later in the evening and he only has time to eat and shower before he needs to go back to bed. I get wanting some help when OP has a couple of free days even if it something as little as vacuuming the living room or whatever. Otherwise, I don't see how he even could contribute if he is never at home
Load More Replies... Bro. Daytime hobbies? Bounce as fast as you can. You work 70 hours a week, she works 25. Not a good person. I sent this to my 5 sons. These are great examples of what not to look for in a relationship. If your SO isn't putting in as much effort as you, just bounce. Lot's of options out there.
Run away now. She literally wants to be a kept woman, and she's not sweetening the deal either: she wants you to give her your money, probably hire a nanny when kids appear, do half of chores AND f* off when she wants to enjoy her free time. What's in it for you, seriously?
I like the original comment above telling him to hire a maid AND break up with the girlfriend. I think we all agree that having her home school future children is an awful idea. By the way, I work 40 hours per week, and my wife has a part time job that averages 16 hours per week, at most. We live on 20 acres. I do all the upkeep on everything outside, my own laundry, some of the cooking, and I help with dishes. My wife does the rest of the housework. It works for us.
MrsWeasly9: Actually shut up. He's carrying their entire living situation financially, she needs to step up and take care of cleaning. Did he mention her ever having any mental tolls? No. So don't diss the op he's having it worse.
This chick sounds like my ex. I worked 70 hours weekly. She worked anywhere from 20 to 30 hours a week. I always did all the work on the cars and did 100% outdoor yard stuff. I also did 100% of the maintenance and upgrading to the home. To begin with she did all her laundry and I did mine. But she did 100% of the cleaning. It didn't take her long to start bitching about how it was so hard for her to keep the house clean but keep in mind she was home far more than I was so it was mostly cleaning the mess she had made. Sometimes I'd be rolling in at 10 pm or after and she'd start fussing before I had even had time to eat. I had to leave her because my mental health almost cost me my job several times. It's best to find someone on equal footing or you'll be right back to where you started. Some people she equal as 90-10 not 50-50.
Honestly it sounds like she wants to be a trophy wife. Expecting husband to provide financially for the family while she does very little to contribute financially or otherwise. My husband and I are in similar roles, he works full time and I care for the house and our meals. Overall it's a good system, and when I feel I have too much going on one day, I'll simply ask him to make dinner one night or do the dishes or do a load of laundry. For us, it works.
Absolutely! She wants his money to do nothing.
Load More Replies... You either split up chores equally and work OR one person goes to work more with less chores and vice versa. You can't have one person do equal chores but expect them to do treble the hours at work. He should set clear boundaries both for his own sanity and to ensure the relationship has a future. If she can't accept those then she's clearly not ready to start a family.
I do NOT agree on just throwing homeschool on the pile like that. Not every parent is capable of teaching, and not having the personal desire and drive to do so means the kid's education and development suffers. If the girlfriend isn't bringing up homeschooling herself, then it's off the table.
What is all this? 70 hours of work a week? I didn't even know a week had that many hours!! Well, you need that money to pay the therapist, and the nice boat that you share with someone who doesnt really care for you. Don't people have some self respect and self compassion these days?
I used to work 70 to 80 hours a week as a single parent when my son was in middle school and high school. It is exhausting.
Load More Replies... She works part-time, he works 70+ hours a week AND she wants him to do housework? Dude! Run away! If you marry her, it'll get worse. Tell her to get a 40-hr/wk job + you'll do the same so you can both do housework. :)
There needs to be a feeling of 'equality of effort' in a relationship where you share a home, and a lot of times one person makes more money so they consider that as somehow having more rights or more of a say. But if they both worked 45 hours and he just happened to make more money, then he should help more definitely. They're both equal in that case and should be sharing equal work. But the fact that a grown woman is working part time and has insisted on the 'womanly' role- but only the good parts- tells me she wants her cake and eat it, too. A stay at home role should be treated like a job- and should hold the same respect. I hate when people act like this isn't hard work. BUT- it should be. I'm tired of some women treating their spouses like a winning lottery ticket. Your work in the home should equate to the same as his 70 hour workweek, within reason. Especially if that 70 hours is purposeful to help maintain your lifestyle.
First, it needs noting, outside chores and vehicle maintenance are chores. And should be considered as part of the division of labor. Gf is just salty because she wants to be lazy. No way around that conclusion. If gf wants equal distribution of labor by her definition, she needs to get outside and do half of those chores so op has time to do half the indoor chores. Further, they do need to come to agreement about schooling children before having any but YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A CERTIFIED TEACHER TO SUCCESSFULLY HOMESCHOOL! Both my kids were homeschooled and had they chosen to attend college instead of learning trades that they are quite successful at, they would’ve had no issue getting in. They were being actively recruited simply because of being homeschooled. And people forget, who is your child’s first and most important teacher? Not someone who is certified to teach babies how to walk, talk and potty train etc. You have to be selective as to what and how to teach.
Further, one of my kids has a learning disability that the schools were failing to provide support on even with me asking for years in a row for an EAP based on doctors letters etc. The other child is an advanced learner that was being failed by inability to challenge and engage them. In the homeschool environment we were able to meet the needs of both at the same time. Something the schools just couldn’t seem to get their act together to accomplish.
Load More Replies... My aunt and uncle, both already passed away, were Farmers. Both also worked full-time outside of the house. My aunt told me they didn't separate chores. They both worked until things got done, and if my uncle finished early, he would start dinner or bring in laundry. If aunt Dot finished early, she'd head outside to see where she could help. My partner and I follow that principle. I will cut wood, mow grass, shovel snow, and he will carry in groceries, laundry, cook or vacuum. Done. No complaints. No sexist chore list.
This sounds very much what my husband and I went through except I wanted (and do) Homeschool. What this husband doesn't mention is what he does for work. My husband started his own business. At first, he was busy all the time, but as time went on, he did less and less work, went on vacations (with friends, brother), and spent time on hobbies. What didn't change was the amount of work he did at home. He kept telling me he "works 60 hours a week, and makes x amount of money" and "this is what you wanted." Come to find out he was just watching TV at work. That is not what I wanted. I got on his case for not contributing to the household. This husband, along with mine and many others, doesn't understand the toll it takes on wives to be stuck indoors just caring for the house. This only amplifies once children are in the picture. *Note to all those stating parents are not qualified to teach or bring up "socialization" should really talk to homeschooled families. You're misinformed.
How is this for fair and equal: just split everything equally. You make a list of the house chores and you divide it equally. You do the same with working hours: you make 70 hours? She should also make 70 hours. She doesn't want to do that? Then you get to work less hours as well. You decide on children? Then you have to work out a 50/50 arrangement when it comes to combining childcare and work.
Ah feminism. Great for telling women that they should be strong and independent, except when they can get the man to do more and more
Paying for weekly cleaning and/or grocery delivery is certainly an option but you can also be helpful on an ongoing basis. Put your dishes in the dishwasher as you use them not on the counter or sink, tidy the bathroom after you shower, clothes in the laundry hamper etc. However, it sounds like your girlfriend is happy to accept your money and blue jobs, saying she likes the traditional roles, but still wants more. Will she ever be satisfied?
What do people who live alone cope with paying 100% of bills, working full time and doing all the chores? This relationship is becoming full of resentment. At some point someone is going to get exhausted and overwhelmed. Sometimes some chores become more demanding and grunt work than usual and the person who does them may want a break time to time. Even where I work we share the tasks and take over when someone needs a switch, or help them out. There will always be someone who seems to do more than the other. Always. It doesn't last. They could switch tasks with each other and communicate what each other needs. Not go to the internet to slander the other because of a petty disagreement.
Welcome to the world of women. I work 12 hour shifts, cook, clean, and do laundry. I hate this post- stop talking to the internet and talk to your partner.
Together they make $360000 a year. Hire a maid service to handle the weekly housekeeping chores. Then they don't have to argue about it any more.
They need to communicate, but don't you love "I do the car maintenance" from guys? Like, does the car needs to be maintained every day? You know, like the stuff he thinks women should do? changing the Oil once a year is not the same amount of work as doing the dishes every day. It's also very telling that he thinks bringing up kids is "free time". Also, why does he first talk to strangers on the internet, instead to his wife? Nah, another good reason not to go for a "traditional" man.
well you went in the marriage together...if you are keeping tabs...on the other on what they make and what you are entitled to...then you are mistaken...something you have to discuss together...and not take to the internet for a reaction. You are in this relationship with your wide so talk to her...just her and not the internet. Grow up and be a bit more responsible in the relationship or divorce her and look for someone who makes more money if you feel that is what is important as you obviously do.
In my country Home schooling is rarely used, because it is believed that children develop better socialising skills when they go to school and don't just stay at home with their 2 parents.
She is a gold digger. If you haven't married her get out of the relationship now. You earn way more money than she does and work 3 times as many hours as her. She should be doing around 75% of household chores if you two are staying in a relationship because she isn't the one putting he food on the table.
If anyone wants the update https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/13tjz1v/my_32m_girlfriend_29f_is_upset_with_me_because_i/
Well buddy tell her find a better job and split 50 percent of the bills. That will have her singing a different tune Edit to add yard work and car maintenance is done outside of work hours which takes him well over 70 hours working in a week. She just wants to be lazy. I say get out now.
If they both get the same number of hours of free time per week, then that's fair enough. To make his wife work longer hours just because she doesn't bring in a much money is really not much of a marriage is it? If this man can't be happy with them working the same number of hours per week (jobs plus housework/chores), then he's not looking for a marriage partner. He needs to find a girl who makes as much money as he does so he'll respect her time, or maybe just hire a house keeper, a cook, a nanny. Jerk.
I think this really depends. What kind of jobs do they have? Does he just sit in front of a computer most of the day, running files and programs and having meetings every so often, or does he do manual labor? Same with her. I'm working 20 hours a week right now, but it feels like 60 because I'm working with children who have autism. They have all the energy in the world with no awareness that you're a living person too (before a particular understanding anyways). It's rough. So splitting the household maybe 40/60 respectively would be fair. The yard does need tending to, but they don't NEED a boat and s**t. And like many others are saying, he's making plenty, they could hire a maid. This whole thing has "not enough information" written all over it, and nobody seems to be noticing that.
People are all like, "he should dump her a**e!" (leaving her with nothing), and missing the point. Yes, he could 100% leave her with nothing... because the money he makes doing the insane 70 hour weeks (he chose to do) is HIS. Meanwhile most of her contribution is already unpaid, but allowing him to work so much and maximize his profits. She should not be expected to match his 70h work weeks, ESPECIALLY if most of it is unpaid labor. Once kids enter the picture she will be on the job 24/7 with no option to cut back hours, unlike him. He expects her to homeschool on top of it (another full-time job) and not have hobbies?? She will be the one putting her health and body on the line to produce their kids, and then likely will find herself being a full-time nanny/maid/teacher/+ a million extra little tasks, 24/7 7 days a week (even when sick). She needs to know now if he is willing to help at home if (when) she needs it, because once the kids are born it's too late. He will be getting all these services at very low cost compared to what he would be paying hiring other people. If they split tomorrow he has made bank and progressed his life while she is back to square one. Let's not pretend like he is the one with the short end of the stick...
I know a few married couples where the mom doesn't work outside the home, and she does the homeschooling. They interact with other homeschooling families, and have some blended classes for the kids. The kids also attend a few classes in the local school, so they get the best of both worlds. Homeschooling takes a lot of organizing and commitment to priorities.
So he works about 70 hours a week and she works 25. That's about 10 hours a day 7 days of work for him. She's going to have to pull the extra weight at home or another option is hiring somebody to relieve some of the burden. Also, homeschooling is nice in theory, but homeschooling isn't going to leave her much time for housework. And she might not even be cut out for home schooling. Either get over that idea or cut her loose and find someone who shares your values. There's plenty of women who wouldn't mind being the stay at home parent and homeschool. It sounds like he's overworked with his job and they also don't sound like a good match.
Tried the splitting thing with my first husband. He just couldn't bring himself to be a partnership. Although I was working and he wasnt
I can just imagine, she thought she wanted that division but then saw him take out the garbage twice a week (maybe). Then mow their postage stamp lawn once per week or every other week and said wait a minute this isn't adding up. Bet he doesn't rinse a plate and stick it in the dishwasher, just leaves it on the table. Maid service is what he's got now. Laundry, vacuum, dishes dusting.
NTA on the rest, but honestly, homeschooling just prevents children from making necessary social contracts and doesn't equal real education. It doesn't give you any papers either. Honestly, it should be illegal.
I only read the title. But, “fair” in a healthy relationship considers a lot of factors. For example, my fiancé and I both work full time jobs. But my fiancé is also doing online college. So, naturally, I am picking up a lot of the cooking and cleaning. However. Next year I may also be doing online school, so. We will likely need to figure out a schedule for our school work so that we can have the time to cook and clean. Also, it goes without say that if my fiancé ever comes home and had a bad day etc., and vice versa, we cool and clean for one another. Bc good relationships mean you’re a team and you give and take.
In relationships like this, there is always going to be a power imbalance, whether explicit or implicit. The psychology behind “traditional” arrangements in a modern society are highly fraught and subject to many factors. The woman demanded this arrangement, the man obliged but now they’re both trying to find the boundaries of what that means, exactly, in the long-term. The fact of the matter is, when one person is working outside the home, earning most of the money, while the other is doing domestic duties, nobody will ever agree on which one is more challenging or who is contributing their fair share. Him thinking that her homeschooling potential children will make things more “equal” is foolish but, also, her assuming she can just pursue hobbies while he continues to work long hours is presumptuous. They have a lot to work out before they have children, who will be a permanent fixture in both of their lives once they arrive.
If he was living alone he’d be doing it all. Why men expect maids when they marry is amazing.
If she was living alone she'd be doing it all. Why women expect sugar daddies when they marry is amazing.
Load More Replies... If she works part-time and also cleans the house, then when both of you are at home you both cook dinner do the dishes etc so that you don't make her feel like a waitress in her own home, that will just build resentment, plus will you be home schooling the kids as well? They probably need to know how to make your income, lots of air to clear between you two.
Guys, do you really want to know what women find attractive? What really gets their motors warmed up? Seeing you playing with the kids and doing house chores WITHOUT complaining. Seriously, it is very smexy. Don't believe me? There is a book called "P*rn for New Moms"
I hate the "I work more & make more money, I should do less housework" because it literally doesn't make sense. If you break up and you are living solo again, who is doing the house work? You or you hire someone if you can afford it. Why is pitching in 30-50% of the weekly chores to have a more equal division of labor unreasonable? Adding kids is a 24/7 job and those naps aren't your 'off' time. You are still on call. Being a stay at home parent is an on call life 24/7 for YEARS. For the first year of each child's life, are you going to hire a nanny or a cleaner or step up? If y'all are unhappy now and can't find a way to work out a more equal division of labor, which varies for each couple, then it is better to split up. Especially since this is a good way to see if you have an actual partner who is going to work with you or a boss. Because you really sound like you are her manager and that isn't conducive to lasting romance.
Women want a PARTNER not a manager. Harping on the amount of money you bring home really make it sound like you want to employ a wife...
Load More Replies... Its super hard for me to care about anyones "problems" making 340k. By all means... cry more about how hard your relationship is.
He works his àss off for it. He’s doing everything. She’s a leech
Load More Replies... I know now, from where are those idiot 99% USA flat-earth believers are coming. From homeschooling! How can be this legal? And if it is, why are you surprised and offended, when people say a butterfly is smarter than the typical US.american? (And all of you, who are feeling offended, can now downvoting ... proving my idea).
I'm wondering if this is a guy who leaves his socks on the floor and buggers on the couch. Is it possible she wants him to do some cleaning so he'll show some appreciation for the amount of work cleaning takes? I made my 5 year old clean up thousands of tiny scraps of paper off the floor yesterday. Not because I think this should be a regular thing. But because he tore up, and threw around, thousands of tiny scraps of paper, without any appreciation for what it takes to clean a mess like that. If she's been being his maid he may be taking advantage. Also, if you're earning over $300K cough it up for a weekly cleaning lady. That's not hard dude.
How much money you two make holly s**t hire a maid you can afford it.
so he works his a*s off 70 hrs a week, while she barely doesn't do anything with only 25 hrs and 50% of the chores and no bills to pay, but he should just pay for a maid so she can do even less? maybe she should just get off her entitled a*s and carry some weight.
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