Man Balancing Long Hours and Bills Faces GF’s “Equal” Chores Request, Turns To Internet For Advice
Sharing chores between household members can make tackling them way easier. That’s why couples living together often do, whether following the traditional gender roles or not.
This redditor and his girlfriend chose to assume such roles with him being the provider, covering 90% of the bills and taking care of all sorts of maintenance and yard work, while she tended to the home. Such an arrangement seemed to be working fine, until it no longer did, as the girlfriend was no longer content with it.
Sharing chores with a partner can make tending to the home way easier
Image credits: DC_Studio / envato (not the actual photo)
This redditor had an arrangement with his girlfriend that seemed to be working well, until it didn’t
Image credits: Media_photos /envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Successful_Leek96
Adjusting to your partner’s ways is often an inevitable part of being in a relationship
The OP revealed that it was his girlfriend who was more set on following the traditional gender roles; however, he himself didn’t mind such an arrangement. Even though both sides have likely had to make certain adjustments, they found a way to make it work, since—like most things in relationships—chores, too, require taking each other’s ways into consideration.
The ability to adjust shows that one is capable of change, which—for better or worse—can sometimes be inevitable when entering a relationship. A study of heterosexual newlywed couples during the first 18 months of their marriage revealed that even the partners’ personalities are likely to change quite significantly during this period.
Based on the Big Five Personality Traits—extraversion, agreeableness, openness, conscientiousness, and neuroticism—it found how each of them shifts by the time the couples conclude the first year and a half of their married life. According to the research, there were “declines in agreeableness for husbands and for wives, declines in extraversion for husbands, declines in openness and neuroticism for wives, and increases in conscientiousness for husbands”.
It is believed that it’s impossible to change a person at their core
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION / pexels (not the actual photo)
Even though change is seemingly inevitable for both men and women, the latter seem to endorse it more than their male counterparts, according to research from 2010. It revealed that for women, the gaps between their partner and the latter’s ideal version were bigger than for men.
From the looks of it, both genders tend to seek to change something about their significant other. However, professor of psychology at UCLA Andrew Christensen believes that in a marriage, the core traits of the other person are unlikely to change despite the effort their spouse puts into demanding it.
“People cannot change their basic essence even if they try, and it is futile to demand that they do so,” he told the UCLA Newsroom, adding that marriage is a package deal, where you can’t pick and choose the traits you do or don’t like. Yet Christensen added that one “can push for change at the periphery, but not at the core”, suggesting that it might be possible to meet your partner in the middle when it comes to certain issues; household chores, for instance.
Society tends to value men’s contributions at work more than their contributions at home
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / pexels (not the actual photo)
The OP shared that he is the main breadwinner in the household, which, according to Pew Research Center’s (PRC) data, is still the more common arrangement in opposite-sex marriages; 55% of such marriages have a husband as the primary or sole breadwinner, 16% have a wife in such a position, and in roughly 29% of couples, both partners earn about the same amount of money.
But even when both spouses earn the same, the way they spend their time outside of dedicated working hours tends to differ; women reportedly spend more of it on housework or caregiving, while men use it for paid work or leisure. PRC’s data also found that society tends to value men’s contributions at work more than their contributions at home, which might be one of the reasons they choose to or maybe feel pressured to spend more time at work.
In an update, the redditor opened up that he does work a lot of hours over the week, and now, to make matters worse, comes home to being antagonized by his girlfriend. That’s why some netizens in the comments suggested that the couple should really talk things through.
Fellow redditors shared their thoughts in the comments, the OP replied to some of them
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It isn't about how much you earn, it is about a fair division of labour which includes how much time you both work outside the home. He works more, so to be strictly fair, she should do more in the home. No idea if his yard work is 'sufficient' but they need to try to balance the two! Which wouldn't be 50/50 in this scenario!! As for home schooling, she might not be the right type of person for that, a lot of people aren't. Though being a stay at home mum won't be the free ride either seems to thinks it will be. Think more about what is best for the particular children when they arrive. Some children do well home educated but others thrive in a school environment. They need to talk a lot more and decide if they truly have compatible aims or can compromise better.
I agree with you. As he works 70 hours and she works 25, right now she should work 45 hr at home, plenty of time to keep the household running. This won't be too sustainable in the future though, if they want children. In the first years, when babies, children are 24/7 job, so she won't be able to to do all the household chores alone. And don't get me started with that idiocy about homeschooling. To be done properly, it's a full time job. If he wants her to look after the house all by herself and homeschooling, she will burn out in no time or they will be parts done half-assed. And it's not really an option if one part is your children education. Send them to school or hire someone to pick up part of the slack at home
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Kids go to school to make friends and learn social behaviors outside family and meet different cultures, not just to learn math and geography.
And most parents aren't nearly as good at teaching as actual teachers.
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There wasn't an option for what I wanted to vote. Not splitting chores according to income, but splitting chores according to hours worked outside the home. It just makes sense for the person working fewer hours to do more of the chores.
Exactly. It'd be different if it were a roommate situation where they would normally split things 50/50 regardless of anyone's work situation because there is no social or relationship contract beyond that. But they're in a relationship with agreed upon parameters and she's not fulfilling her end. Gender is irrelevent, aside from them deciding to be "traditional", so if she were working more and making more then he would be responsible for most of the chores.
Load More Replies...
It isn't about how much you earn, it is about a fair division of labour which includes how much time you both work outside the home. He works more, so to be strictly fair, she should do more in the home. No idea if his yard work is 'sufficient' but they need to try to balance the two! Which wouldn't be 50/50 in this scenario!! As for home schooling, she might not be the right type of person for that, a lot of people aren't. Though being a stay at home mum won't be the free ride either seems to thinks it will be. Think more about what is best for the particular children when they arrive. Some children do well home educated but others thrive in a school environment. They need to talk a lot more and decide if they truly have compatible aims or can compromise better.
I agree with you. As he works 70 hours and she works 25, right now she should work 45 hr at home, plenty of time to keep the household running. This won't be too sustainable in the future though, if they want children. In the first years, when babies, children are 24/7 job, so she won't be able to to do all the household chores alone. And don't get me started with that idiocy about homeschooling. To be done properly, it's a full time job. If he wants her to look after the house all by herself and homeschooling, she will burn out in no time or they will be parts done half-assed. And it's not really an option if one part is your children education. Send them to school or hire someone to pick up part of the slack at home
Load More Replies... Kids go to school to make friends and learn social behaviors outside family and meet different cultures, not just to learn math and geography.
And most parents aren't nearly as good at teaching as actual teachers.
Load More Replies... There wasn't an option for what I wanted to vote. Not splitting chores according to income, but splitting chores according to hours worked outside the home. It just makes sense for the person working fewer hours to do more of the chores.
Exactly. It'd be different if it were a roommate situation where they would normally split things 50/50 regardless of anyone's work situation because there is no social or relationship contract beyond that. But they're in a relationship with agreed upon parameters and she's not fulfilling her end. Gender is irrelevent, aside from them deciding to be "traditional", so if she were working more and making more then he would be responsible for most of the chores.
Load More Replies...
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