“Dinner Got Pretty Quiet”: Dad Keeps Doubting Biologist Daughter, She Tells Him She Knows Better
I believe many of us hate the feeling when we know something for a fact but people still think that they know better. It may be something that you discuss with friends, online with random netizens, or with family. However, probably the most annoying is being doubted by your family members about something that you, in fact, have a few degrees in and are passionate about.
For example, one Reddit user shared her story online after being doubted by her father while she was talking about her work. Despite his concerns, she assured him that she knew better and this caused quite a bit of family drama.
More info: Reddit
In most cases, if the person keeps talking about their work that they are professionals in, they will know better about it than you, so there’s no need to doubt their knowledge
Image credits: August de Richelieu (not the actual photo)
This woman shared that she’s a wildlife biologist, has a Master’s degree in it, and is very passionate about this field
Image credits: Polina Zimmerman (not the actual photo)
When she was visiting her family, her mom asked her to share something about her work and she excitedly started telling them about her current research
Image credits: Marcus Aurelius (not the actual photo)
However, the issue started when her father began replying to almost everything that she said by commenting that he’s not sure about that
Image credits: u/SchemeLong4640
The woman finally lost it and told him that she knows for sure, given her degrees, but ended up being called disrespectful and then was scolded for ‘talking back’
A few days ago, one Reddit user shared her story online asking community members to share their opinions about her situation. After her dad’s constant doubts about her current research, she failed to ignore it and took it personally. The post caught a lot of attention, collecting 21K upvotes and over 3K comments.
The original poster (OP) started her story by sharing that she’s a wildlife biologist, has a Master’s degree in it, and is passionate about it. Recently, she was visiting her family and was asked to share about her work and she happily talked about her current research. However, instead of support or interest, her dad kept responding to everything critically, doubting her knowledge.
OP noted that she tried to ignore it but eventually lost it and responded that she is sure about what she is saying due to her degrees, etc. She emphasized that she said it in a light tone but her dad didn’t take it well. She was immediately accused of being disrespectful. She added that on the way back, she even got a phone call from mom asking why she needed to ‘talk back’ to her dad.
The community members gave the woman the ‘Not the A-hole’ badge in this situation and discussed this family dynamic being pretty common. “NTA, your dad is obviously uncomfortable with the idea of you being an authority. Many older gen folks without education feel threatened by being perceived as ignorant so they posture as compensation,” one user shared. “Your father is an ‘armchair expert’ by the sounds of it. Thinks he knows everything about everything. He obviously didn’t like it that you know more about XYZ than he does,” another added.
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
Probably many of us enjoy hearing people say that they are proud of us. It reassures us that all of our hard work is paying off and seeing our family, friends and all of our loved ones’ acknowledgement proves how proud of us they are. And well, this phrase may seem not important to many, but hearing others saying that they are proud of us – trust me, it means a lot to many.
For example, Bryce Shafer, Design Editor of The Collegian wrote that telling people that you are proud of them shows that you value them as a person in addition to their success. A person may remember the phrase long after the actual words have been spoken. Saying this phrase requires almost no effort, but can mean a great deal to someone who might be stagnating.
While all of us have different goals and different achievements, everyone deserves to be praised for their hard work – whether it’s for finally reaching your goal, finishing school, university or getting into your dream college. It can come from your friends, family or employees – it definitely gives us a boost and makes us feel valued.
However, looking a little bit from a different side – it’s no secret that many folks feel pressure to make their parents proud and aim to finally hear it coming from their parents. Mina in Medium emphasized that we put undue pressure on ourselves and make assumptions about what things we have to do in order to please our parents.
“I need to have good grades then they will be proud. I need to go to a good university then they will be proud. I need to get a good job, or their desired job, or even follow in their footsteps then they will be proud. But have we asked ourselves why we want to make our parents proud? “she wrote.
She emphasized that it’s very harmful for children to live by the philosophy that their parents should be proud of them. Parents need to be very clear to their kids that they are not putting any pressure on them in any way; instead, they should embrace them for who they are and be there to watch over the adult that they are becoming.
But what do you guys think about this story? Do you think the woman was in fact rude for talking back to her dad? Share your thoughts below!
Redditors assured the woman that she was not wrong in this situation and scolded her father
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Must have been fun growing up in that house. Dad thinking he knows it all and mom enabling him so he won't feel "disrespected".
I've seen parents where it seemed like the mother resented kids who stirred things up with Dad, because she was left to deal with Dad's anger after the kids left. It's really sad to see that family dynamic
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I have 4 older siblings plus one of my brothers' GF who all think they know better than me in anything. Anything I have several diplomas of, anything in passing (it doesn't take 20/20 to be able to drive a car), anything! The worst is the GF and doesn't believe anything at all, even the simplest stuff like having soft-boiled eggs you just need to cook them less. FFS. I can't bring any facts to the table without me being shut down. I'm tired. Two years before COVID-19, I decided I had enough and I went no contact.
A******s don’t typically like being put in their place. Glad she spoke up for herself
Another good comeback to "well I don't know about that:" "Apparently." It's a little different, but once, my sister called me to complain about our mother saying her family was musical because they sang and played instruments for fun. This call was while I was running an errand for the instrument repair shop I owned, near Times Square. Sis insisted her sons were the first musicians in the family. I said, "You know I got my associate's degree in music, right?" She said, "You DID?!" If you're not an MD, family have no respect for your education
If I was continually being met with, "Hmm, I don't know about that." The reply would have been, "Just as well I'm here, because I *do* know about it. It is my area of specialism. Is there anything you would like me to explain again?" If he continued, he would be asked to explain exactly his academic credentials, and to cite his sources for the information he was disputing." ... The father's words were so incredibly disrespectful.
It's more a man/woman thing than a father/daughter thing. Some men just have to be the expert and the boss in all things at all times. We even have a word for it; Mansplaining.
I have a sibling like that. It grows tiresome very quickly..
Load More Replies... And this is why i avoid family dinners. After a few drinks everyone among the older gen turns into a geopolitical and biology expert i just can't stand hearing about it "being just a flu" anymore...
To be fair, most of the "it was just the flu" complainants were actually younger people, not older ones.
Load More Replies... It's the "don't talk back" that gets me. She's 28, not a child. As an adult, disagreeing with your parent is NOT talking back, it's standing up for yourself.
It'd be one thing if her dad tried to contribute to the conversation by offering a differing view/opinion and actually have an open discussion, but he didn't. He just wanted to undermine his daughter for no reason. The mom really shouldn't have called to tell her daughter off, if anything she should have switched topics or told her husband to stop. This reminds me of the post about the astro or theoretical physicist (or something like that) whose father and brother tried to insist that they knew more about physics than she did. Only to be greatly embarrassed when she started to question them during dinner.
Typical cis male behaviour, mansplaining over a woman that knows more than he does.
NTA.. but both your parents are indeed AH. Your mom obviously is an enabling submissive woman to him, who's world clearly revolves around his. As for your dad, he either find it hard to believe that a female is that intelligent & know a lot more than him. Or he needs to validate his intelligence by "mansplaining" his unwanted opinion on certain topics. His misogynistic attitude is heavily impacting his fragile male ego, which is why he feels "disrespected" or "talked back to". I guarantee you if you were born a boy he wouldn't be doing that at all & supporting his son's career.
My father blocked me from higher education as he didn't think girls needed university education. I didn't get to sixth form either but had my A levels planned from about 8 😔 I wanted History and Latin A Level. I wanted to be an archaeologist. He thought girls wasted education as we'd have children. I'm 50 never had or wanted children and changed my surname from his by Deed Poll in 2022 ❤️ He never listened to a word I said either 😞
I'm sorry that happened to you. Well done on changing your name to finally cut off all traces. If you haven't done so, could you, maybe, look into night classes on things that interest you. I know it's not the same, but you might get some pleasure from it.
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Welcome to the world of parents. I had identical experiences with my father- who was a very educated man. My education had roots in a different world though- and he just couldn't get comfortable with the idea that his kid- who he knew from years of being a kid- suddenly knew so much. I learned - just smile- and nod. He did get a little better over the years, you can hope for that. But peace - is infinitely more precious than being right.
It is a natural part of growing up, a bit ridiculous that the parents haven't accepted she is a fully formed and thinking adult at 28.
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I'd have agreed with him and said "you're right, you don't know about that, but I do".
I encountered that with both parents with my career which I have been in for 42 years. I would think they knew better when a scenario came along and they asked for help on. And the other would literally laugh when I gave them advice and say along the lines of " your only saying that because you work in ......", and of course my response was " yes, THAT IS EXACTLY WHY". Neither parent works in my profession!
I don't understand the idea of being threatened by your knowledge really. My kids all are very knowledgeable in their fields. When they share with me I can barely understand what they're talking about. I'm very proud of them.
Your dad was being truthful. He kept saying "I don't know about that", and yes - he doesn't.
This hits hard. My mother in particular still likes to correct me on things as minor as making the bed for my child in my home. I'm 52, have been out of the house 30 years, have a degree and am a lawyer. I understand we are still "kids" to them but at some point, extend the credit to our children that we have grown up.
I specifically got my doctorate so I could nuke people when they get arrogant like this. I just say "oh which of us in fact is a doctor?" and that shuts them down instantly.
Good to know dads character, not that he was just being a turkey to his daughter.
Ugh, former career military misogynistic father, probable Boomer. What a horrid combo. I'd be tempted to reply back asking for his opinion and smiling and nodding along, but in a super condescending manner, and looking around at everyone else like, isn't he just so cute with his little opinions?
Also, bring a nice lunch and drinks for you two to share after you get back to the car/ truck.
I think, having had a dad in the military, and as the oldest of 4 girls, know how hard it is for dads like that, to admit they don’t know. My big difference is that my dad always asked questions to learn more about something. . She was not the ASP, BUT a better way to help that kind of situation, and as he is retired, to say to him, what are you unsure about Dad? Can I help explain something better? And then have the “ bright” idea and say, hey dad! I bet you would really enjoy seeing exactly what it is I do. What about you coming with me, and we could do some field research about one of your thoughts you weren’t sure of, and we can see if something changes or, we get a different finding! So, let’s pick a day, and one of the questions you were not sure of in my response, and let’s go do that field research! I think it would be. A lot of fun to have my dad see what I do, and what he paid for! ( LOL here at this point so he knows you really would love it!). And then go do it!
Sounds like the dad’s foolishness and ego is a problem and wants to prove he is the wise one and authority in the family. (Although I doubt it is the case here “I don’t know about that…” could possibly be meant to be something similar to “I didn’t know that” but would be a funny way of saying it. Just playing Devils Advocate.) At some point after the child is an adult parents and their children need to come to understand their relationship needs to be adjusted to reflect that the children are now adults. They can see each other as friends, as landlord and tenant in some circumstances, while retaining a relationship as family of course. As a child becomes an adult, they are in a relationship by choice not by force of law and circumstance. Sure respect should be given to wisdom parents and those older, but not necessarily to authority unless one is in the other’s home. It can be hard to make this switch to let go of authority one see each differently.
I get why you're playing devil's advocate but no, I'm afraid you're wrong here. We're not talking a one off experience that could have been misread. We're talking about years and years of this behaviour, finally reaching its end in this reaction. Nor or is it a case of not being able to give up authority, for the same reason.
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My daughter is 13, she’s teaching me, 49, every other week. I know a lot of random, some might say, useless things about a wide range of subjects, a jack of all trades mind. I can speak easily on most subjects for 30 seconds, enough to appear intelligent but no depth to it beyond 30 seconds. 😂 My daughter is a focussed young thing, she puts me to shame! I’m proud that she drags me upto date on all sorts of stuff, I look forward to her gaining that higher knowledge and experience which gives her the authority to speak on a subject to others, it’s what I’m here to encourage and support.
Both my parents worked at low level jobs in the textiles trade. My mum all but forced me to go to university (something I regret to this day) and I picked a textile technology degree. It was funny how it appeared I learnt nothing at uni and my mum knew better. In the end I told her she was talking absolute bollocks, explained why, and told her that, in future, unless she knew precisely what she was going on about, to stfu. Peace reigned after that. Oh, and I never worked in textiles, her attitude turned me right off.
Sometimes dad’s be like this. Mine knows he’s not great with technology but he’ll still argue with me that his observation of what’s happening outweighs my actual understanding of, for example, telecommunications. Nevermind, I’ve spent over a decade working in telecommunications.
Another preaching to the choir AITA choice by BP. 1% in the poll said the daughter was out of line. Please BP, if you insist on re-posting AITA stories, choose ones where its closer to 50-50 so there's a real discussion instead of 99% agreeing with each other.
It'd be interesting to hear exactly what point she was making that the father was "disagreeing with". For example, was it something that an expert would know, but there is widespread, commonly known information that is actually wrong. Like the "people eat 20 spiders in their sleep during the course of their life" factoid that does the rounds. It's BS but so many people have heard and repeated it that it's widely believed to be true. I wonder whether the Father was questioning her take because it was about one of those sort of things. Or he could, of course, just have his own incorrect preconceived notions about the issue.
An expert with an MA working toward a PhD would be talking about actual research, not random factoids. She said specifically she was discussing her research. I'm a woman in academia, and I get this constantly, even from my own uncles. My dad knows better. There are a lot of men from that generation who cannot tolerate a young woman knowing something they don't. They're used to being the "final say," and it threatens their sense of self as a man.
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Don't read it then. She wanted an opinion, we gave it.
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I see no reason why she should explain her topic. All that's going to do is get her a bunch of "well, AKSHUALLY" responses on Reddit. It was likely not outlandish at all. People, particularly older men, do not tend to enjoy the notion that somebody else knows more about a topic than they do. I mentioned a study I'm working on with top-level neuroscientists and psychiatrists on the trauma-obesity link on a post about obesity. Downvotes on top of downvotes. Now, anyone who keeps up on medical journals knows that the trauma-obesity link has been growing stronger in the research for the past decade. But those who don't get awfully offended if you mention it.
Load More Replies... Must have been fun growing up in that house. Dad thinking he knows it all and mom enabling him so he won't feel "disrespected".
I've seen parents where it seemed like the mother resented kids who stirred things up with Dad, because she was left to deal with Dad's anger after the kids left. It's really sad to see that family dynamic
Load More Replies... I have 4 older siblings plus one of my brothers' GF who all think they know better than me in anything. Anything I have several diplomas of, anything in passing (it doesn't take 20/20 to be able to drive a car), anything! The worst is the GF and doesn't believe anything at all, even the simplest stuff like having soft-boiled eggs you just need to cook them less. FFS. I can't bring any facts to the table without me being shut down. I'm tired. Two years before COVID-19, I decided I had enough and I went no contact.
A******s don’t typically like being put in their place. Glad she spoke up for herself
Another good comeback to "well I don't know about that:" "Apparently." It's a little different, but once, my sister called me to complain about our mother saying her family was musical because they sang and played instruments for fun. This call was while I was running an errand for the instrument repair shop I owned, near Times Square. Sis insisted her sons were the first musicians in the family. I said, "You know I got my associate's degree in music, right?" She said, "You DID?!" If you're not an MD, family have no respect for your education
If I was continually being met with, "Hmm, I don't know about that." The reply would have been, "Just as well I'm here, because I *do* know about it. It is my area of specialism. Is there anything you would like me to explain again?" If he continued, he would be asked to explain exactly his academic credentials, and to cite his sources for the information he was disputing." ... The father's words were so incredibly disrespectful.
It's more a man/woman thing than a father/daughter thing. Some men just have to be the expert and the boss in all things at all times. We even have a word for it; Mansplaining.
I have a sibling like that. It grows tiresome very quickly..
Load More Replies... And this is why i avoid family dinners. After a few drinks everyone among the older gen turns into a geopolitical and biology expert i just can't stand hearing about it "being just a flu" anymore...
To be fair, most of the "it was just the flu" complainants were actually younger people, not older ones.
Load More Replies... It's the "don't talk back" that gets me. She's 28, not a child. As an adult, disagreeing with your parent is NOT talking back, it's standing up for yourself.
It'd be one thing if her dad tried to contribute to the conversation by offering a differing view/opinion and actually have an open discussion, but he didn't. He just wanted to undermine his daughter for no reason. The mom really shouldn't have called to tell her daughter off, if anything she should have switched topics or told her husband to stop. This reminds me of the post about the astro or theoretical physicist (or something like that) whose father and brother tried to insist that they knew more about physics than she did. Only to be greatly embarrassed when she started to question them during dinner.
Typical cis male behaviour, mansplaining over a woman that knows more than he does.
NTA.. but both your parents are indeed AH. Your mom obviously is an enabling submissive woman to him, who's world clearly revolves around his. As for your dad, he either find it hard to believe that a female is that intelligent & know a lot more than him. Or he needs to validate his intelligence by "mansplaining" his unwanted opinion on certain topics. His misogynistic attitude is heavily impacting his fragile male ego, which is why he feels "disrespected" or "talked back to". I guarantee you if you were born a boy he wouldn't be doing that at all & supporting his son's career.
My father blocked me from higher education as he didn't think girls needed university education. I didn't get to sixth form either but had my A levels planned from about 8 😔 I wanted History and Latin A Level. I wanted to be an archaeologist. He thought girls wasted education as we'd have children. I'm 50 never had or wanted children and changed my surname from his by Deed Poll in 2022 ❤️ He never listened to a word I said either 😞
I'm sorry that happened to you. Well done on changing your name to finally cut off all traces. If you haven't done so, could you, maybe, look into night classes on things that interest you. I know it's not the same, but you might get some pleasure from it.
Load More Replies... Welcome to the world of parents. I had identical experiences with my father- who was a very educated man. My education had roots in a different world though- and he just couldn't get comfortable with the idea that his kid- who he knew from years of being a kid- suddenly knew so much. I learned - just smile- and nod. He did get a little better over the years, you can hope for that. But peace - is infinitely more precious than being right.
It is a natural part of growing up, a bit ridiculous that the parents haven't accepted she is a fully formed and thinking adult at 28.
Load More Replies... I'd have agreed with him and said "you're right, you don't know about that, but I do".
I encountered that with both parents with my career which I have been in for 42 years. I would think they knew better when a scenario came along and they asked for help on. And the other would literally laugh when I gave them advice and say along the lines of " your only saying that because you work in ......", and of course my response was " yes, THAT IS EXACTLY WHY". Neither parent works in my profession!
I don't understand the idea of being threatened by your knowledge really. My kids all are very knowledgeable in their fields. When they share with me I can barely understand what they're talking about. I'm very proud of them.
Your dad was being truthful. He kept saying "I don't know about that", and yes - he doesn't.
This hits hard. My mother in particular still likes to correct me on things as minor as making the bed for my child in my home. I'm 52, have been out of the house 30 years, have a degree and am a lawyer. I understand we are still "kids" to them but at some point, extend the credit to our children that we have grown up.
I specifically got my doctorate so I could nuke people when they get arrogant like this. I just say "oh which of us in fact is a doctor?" and that shuts them down instantly.
Good to know dads character, not that he was just being a turkey to his daughter.
Ugh, former career military misogynistic father, probable Boomer. What a horrid combo. I'd be tempted to reply back asking for his opinion and smiling and nodding along, but in a super condescending manner, and looking around at everyone else like, isn't he just so cute with his little opinions?
Also, bring a nice lunch and drinks for you two to share after you get back to the car/ truck.
I think, having had a dad in the military, and as the oldest of 4 girls, know how hard it is for dads like that, to admit they don’t know. My big difference is that my dad always asked questions to learn more about something. . She was not the ASP, BUT a better way to help that kind of situation, and as he is retired, to say to him, what are you unsure about Dad? Can I help explain something better? And then have the “ bright” idea and say, hey dad! I bet you would really enjoy seeing exactly what it is I do. What about you coming with me, and we could do some field research about one of your thoughts you weren’t sure of, and we can see if something changes or, we get a different finding! So, let’s pick a day, and one of the questions you were not sure of in my response, and let’s go do that field research! I think it would be. A lot of fun to have my dad see what I do, and what he paid for! ( LOL here at this point so he knows you really would love it!). And then go do it!
Sounds like the dad’s foolishness and ego is a problem and wants to prove he is the wise one and authority in the family. (Although I doubt it is the case here “I don’t know about that…” could possibly be meant to be something similar to “I didn’t know that” but would be a funny way of saying it. Just playing Devils Advocate.) At some point after the child is an adult parents and their children need to come to understand their relationship needs to be adjusted to reflect that the children are now adults. They can see each other as friends, as landlord and tenant in some circumstances, while retaining a relationship as family of course. As a child becomes an adult, they are in a relationship by choice not by force of law and circumstance. Sure respect should be given to wisdom parents and those older, but not necessarily to authority unless one is in the other’s home. It can be hard to make this switch to let go of authority one see each differently.
I get why you're playing devil's advocate but no, I'm afraid you're wrong here. We're not talking a one off experience that could have been misread. We're talking about years and years of this behaviour, finally reaching its end in this reaction. Nor or is it a case of not being able to give up authority, for the same reason.
Load More Replies... My daughter is 13, she’s teaching me, 49, every other week. I know a lot of random, some might say, useless things about a wide range of subjects, a jack of all trades mind. I can speak easily on most subjects for 30 seconds, enough to appear intelligent but no depth to it beyond 30 seconds. 😂 My daughter is a focussed young thing, she puts me to shame! I’m proud that she drags me upto date on all sorts of stuff, I look forward to her gaining that higher knowledge and experience which gives her the authority to speak on a subject to others, it’s what I’m here to encourage and support.
Both my parents worked at low level jobs in the textiles trade. My mum all but forced me to go to university (something I regret to this day) and I picked a textile technology degree. It was funny how it appeared I learnt nothing at uni and my mum knew better. In the end I told her she was talking absolute bollocks, explained why, and told her that, in future, unless she knew precisely what she was going on about, to stfu. Peace reigned after that. Oh, and I never worked in textiles, her attitude turned me right off.
Sometimes dad’s be like this. Mine knows he’s not great with technology but he’ll still argue with me that his observation of what’s happening outweighs my actual understanding of, for example, telecommunications. Nevermind, I’ve spent over a decade working in telecommunications.
Another preaching to the choir AITA choice by BP. 1% in the poll said the daughter was out of line. Please BP, if you insist on re-posting AITA stories, choose ones where its closer to 50-50 so there's a real discussion instead of 99% agreeing with each other.
It'd be interesting to hear exactly what point she was making that the father was "disagreeing with". For example, was it something that an expert would know, but there is widespread, commonly known information that is actually wrong. Like the "people eat 20 spiders in their sleep during the course of their life" factoid that does the rounds. It's BS but so many people have heard and repeated it that it's widely believed to be true. I wonder whether the Father was questioning her take because it was about one of those sort of things. Or he could, of course, just have his own incorrect preconceived notions about the issue.
An expert with an MA working toward a PhD would be talking about actual research, not random factoids. She said specifically she was discussing her research. I'm a woman in academia, and I get this constantly, even from my own uncles. My dad knows better. There are a lot of men from that generation who cannot tolerate a young woman knowing something they don't. They're used to being the "final say," and it threatens their sense of self as a man.
Load More Replies... Don't read it then. She wanted an opinion, we gave it.
Load More Replies... I see no reason why she should explain her topic. All that's going to do is get her a bunch of "well, AKSHUALLY" responses on Reddit. It was likely not outlandish at all. People, particularly older men, do not tend to enjoy the notion that somebody else knows more about a topic than they do. I mentioned a study I'm working on with top-level neuroscientists and psychiatrists on the trauma-obesity link on a post about obesity. Downvotes on top of downvotes. Now, anyone who keeps up on medical journals knows that the trauma-obesity link has been growing stronger in the research for the past decade. But those who don't get awfully offended if you mention it.
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