“Take It From An Old Guy”: Older Person Shares Wise Advice On Dealing With The Loss Of A Loved One
There’s nothing in this world that tears you up from the inside out like losing someone close to you. The experience is so profound that scientists are increasingly viewing the experience of traumatic loss as a type of brain injury.
Various other researchers suggest that our experience of loss is mediated by relationships, and the life of those relationships resides in the mind. So our response to grief is deeply personal. So when it happens, it breaks you, but the world as we know it doesn’t stop just there. How to find the strength to live in it?
These wise words from u/GSnow, an old man who, according to himself, “survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not” were posted on an r/Assistance thread in response to a heartbreaking post: “My friend just died. I don’t know what to do.” But u/GSnow has a lot to say on the matter, explaining the complexity of grieving with an honest and hopeful approach. His advice will comfort anyone struggling to find light, so let’s see what he had to say right below.
An anonymous user shared this heartbreaking message on the r/Assistance subreddit
Image credits: unknown
So this person shared these wise words that explained the essence and complexity of grieving
Image credits: bored panda
Image credits: bored panda
Image credits: GSnow
Image credits: bored panda
Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Lise Deguire, a clinical psychologist and author of “Flashback Girl: Lessons on Resilience From a Burn Survivor,” who shared very important insights on grief with our readers.
“Grief is a natural reaction to loss,” she said and continued: “Aspects of grieving can feel similar to the symptoms of clinical depression (sadness, tearfulness, insomnia, loss of appetite, hopelessness, inappropriate guilt, social withdrawal).” Lise assured that these reactions are a normal part of grief, “as long as the reactions do not go on too long, or aren’t so intense that they pose a danger.”
This year, Lise served as a counseling volunteer for a local hospital. “I was one of a team of psychologists that provided a few sessions to bereaved people who had lost family members to COVID. Almost everyone was experiencing the symptoms that I mentioned above. Each of them were profoundly relieved to learn that their reactions were normal and would most likely be temporary and dissipate over time.”
When asked if there’s any way we could help a grieving person, a clinical psychologist explained that people in grief “need to feel listened to, supported, and cared for.” “Many people avoid talking to grieving people about their loss because they don’t want to ‘bring it up and make them feel bad.’”
“But actually, grieving people are usually thinking about their loss most of the time, so bringing it up doesn’t make them feel bad. Instead, bringing up the loss makes people feel that you understand that they are sad and that you care about them. So, gently talking about the loss is often very healing,” Lise explained.
Lise said that she agrees with the man in this piece. “If you truly loved someone, you never completely recover from their death. The pain of the loss will always be a part of you,” she said. “However, the waves of grief will happen less frequently and be less intense over time. Often over time, grief will start to be accompanied with happier memories, which makes the grief much easier to bear.”
Lise concluded that grief is the price of loving someone, and it is a price most of us are willing to pay.
And this is what other people commented in response to the man’s advice
My mom passed away 2 months ago and I'm desperately trying not to confront it. I can't even think about it. I feel like if I do it'll be unbearable. This was hard to write
I wish I could give you a hug. Do you feel up to telling us something about your mom? I'd love to hear what she was like.
Load More Replies...Beautifully said. I'll be writing this down.
Load More Replies...I still cry at losing my brothers who died far too young. And it happens whenver - something I see, hear or just remember. And the tears start rolling. But it gets better. I can laugh about the things my brothers did and I get joy from that. I know I will miss them (along with my parents) for the rest of my life. But I do need to get on with my life.
Yes, I feel what you're saying. As you get older, you lose people. The best way to remember them, is talk about them. Tell the silly stories, laugh and cry about them. My dad told me that you'll never be dead as long as someone is alive to talk about you.
Load More Replies...I have my memories and my scars, but the waves aren’t as high anymore. Thankyou. To my beloved grandparents, I miss you.
Exactly the kind of lesson I want to impart to my children and grandchildren. Following dearly-loved family and pet deaths, I explain that it hurts so bad because we loved them so much. I love how this gentleman delved into that concept even deeper.
Yes, and unfortunately accepting death is not a lesson you can impart. It takes experience and that hurts. This gentleman has summed it up so perfectly that you can understand it won't kill you as well. I honestly thought when my mother died, I too, was going to die. That's just how I felt. Another sad part is that it gets easier with each loss, because you do get it.
Load More Replies...I read this thinking of my grandfather... he always got me what I wanted. :'( He died three years ago.
This made me think of my grandparents too. I may have scars from losing them, but I’m still swimming dammit.
Load More Replies...It's been three years since we lost my father. In a heartbeat he was gone. Those waves were so big in the beginning, but they do come from time to time. I have learned he lives on in other ways, but never will be where I needed him to be. I put all he taught me in to play, but sometimes I am drowning in the grief - compounded by the loss of others in the family has left me with scars. Grief will stay the same size in my heart, but I will be waiting for the next wave.
This was a beautiful explanation! The only thing I would like him to include is the fear of forgetting the person you loved. After my mother died, I became my dad's caregiver. I've never seen anyone miss another person so much. When his emotions started to calm as when the waves come less often and are less powerful, he would panic and be afraid he was going to forget her because he was having moments that felt normal because he wasn't thinking of her for 30 minutes or so. I struggled to help him through that. Unfortunately, he has now passed. I wish I could have eased his fear. What would be your advice for him? (my mom and dad were married 60+ years.
Added this to the bookmarks... In the near future ı have to come here regularly and read this through over and over again.. thank you old man
Grief is a function of love. The greater the love, the greater the grief. The closer the loved one, the more devastating the loss. Grief is, in some ways, a celebration of how beautiful and wonderful the love was. You don't grieve over losing someone you don't know of someone you hate. You might feel bad, but you don't grieve. My mom died in 1975. There is not a day I do not miss her, but I have so much to remember. AND before she died [breast cancer] I went to her and told her how much I loved her, how much I appreciated everything she had done for me, how happy I was to have her as my mom and that there were no "bad" feelings between us. When she died about a month later, my grief was for what was gone, NOT because I hadn't said all the things I should have. There was no "if only" grief. I learned that the past is gone, the future may never come and today is all we have. I learned to love as though I will never see that person again.
Ok. This was a wave. Nothing left unsaid with either my Dad or my Mom. The very last thing my Mom and I ever said to each other was "I love you." For that I am forever grateful.
Load More Replies...i just lost my dad on the 3rd to cancer and heart failure. i sure do miss him
I love this. I lost my Grandparents 15/17 years ago and my waves are far and few between now. Now it's just little tidal waves sometimes. BUT I am getting married in December and I know that another 100ft wave will be crashing in to me then. They never got to see me truly happy. When they were here, my first husband was not a good person. They saw me struggle and be perpetually sad all the time. Now I have the perfect man (for me) and man, I wish they were here to know him and to be physically present on our day.
It's so very true. I lost a few people the last 5 years. Family and friends and some of my clients. I work as a carer at home. With sick and elderly people. At the moment one of my oldest friends , I know him for 27 years is very sick. I visit him weekly and I know every week can be the last. It won't be long until he is no longer here. So I make the best out of our time together. To me it feels like a rollercoaster. We are on it together and it will crash. He will not survive and I will be hurt. I just don't know how much I will be hurt. But I know it will be bad. It already hurts a lot. Sometimes I'm kind of okay. Other times I feel completely heartbroken. I realised I have to accept it. There's nothing I can do . Or anyone can do. Some tell me ,he will be out of pain. And though that's true, It doesn't change the emotions I feel. I collect everything that reminds me of him. And make the most of the time we have. And when time comes I will surf the waves.
It's so very true. I lost a few people the last 5 years. Family and friends and some of my clients. I work with sick and elderly people. At the moment one of my oldest friends , I know him for 27 years is very sick. I visit him weekly and I know every week can be the last. It won't be long until he is no longer here. So I make the best out of our time together. To me it feels like a rollercoaster. We are on it together and it will crash. He will not survive and I will be hurt. I just don't know how much I will be hurt. But I know it will be bad. It already hurts a lot. Sometimes I'm kind of okay. Other times I feel completely heartbroken. There's nothing I can do . Or anyone can do. Some tell me ,he will be out of pain. And though that's true, It doesn't change the emotions I feel. I collect everything that reminds me of him and when time comes I will need to surf the waves.
One of life’s built-in curses is knowing that you can’t grow old without experiencing the deaths of so many people who mean so much to you. No way around it.
I get incredibly attached to my friends and people I love. I’m so scared of permanently losing someone so close to me. 😞
I lost multiple loved ones last year, and honestly, it's hard to move on afterwards. Please, just stay alive. There are some things worth living for.
That's pretty accurate. The "good" is ... at some point you think of the lost one ... and you can smile, or even laugh ... without it "feeling wrong". You can think of, or talk about the one you've lost ... and it won't tear you apart anymore. The good feeling of "back then" comes back, when you think of them, or talk about them. And even if you sometimes still get teary, at some point you notice, that things are getting better somehow.
his was so beautiful and so honest, it really does help you understand and learn to cope with life after. Thank you so much for writing this
It certainly can feel like that a great deal of time. I'm sorry that you are in such a low place right now, and I pray that it won't last too much longer until you can see at least a little of the light of day. I've been where you are most of the past year. Heck, I'm in the same place most days still, but I have to have hope that this won't last forever.
Load More Replies...My mom passed away 2 months ago and I'm desperately trying not to confront it. I can't even think about it. I feel like if I do it'll be unbearable. This was hard to write
I wish I could give you a hug. Do you feel up to telling us something about your mom? I'd love to hear what she was like.
Load More Replies...Beautifully said. I'll be writing this down.
Load More Replies...I still cry at losing my brothers who died far too young. And it happens whenver - something I see, hear or just remember. And the tears start rolling. But it gets better. I can laugh about the things my brothers did and I get joy from that. I know I will miss them (along with my parents) for the rest of my life. But I do need to get on with my life.
Yes, I feel what you're saying. As you get older, you lose people. The best way to remember them, is talk about them. Tell the silly stories, laugh and cry about them. My dad told me that you'll never be dead as long as someone is alive to talk about you.
Load More Replies...I have my memories and my scars, but the waves aren’t as high anymore. Thankyou. To my beloved grandparents, I miss you.
Exactly the kind of lesson I want to impart to my children and grandchildren. Following dearly-loved family and pet deaths, I explain that it hurts so bad because we loved them so much. I love how this gentleman delved into that concept even deeper.
Yes, and unfortunately accepting death is not a lesson you can impart. It takes experience and that hurts. This gentleman has summed it up so perfectly that you can understand it won't kill you as well. I honestly thought when my mother died, I too, was going to die. That's just how I felt. Another sad part is that it gets easier with each loss, because you do get it.
Load More Replies...I read this thinking of my grandfather... he always got me what I wanted. :'( He died three years ago.
This made me think of my grandparents too. I may have scars from losing them, but I’m still swimming dammit.
Load More Replies...It's been three years since we lost my father. In a heartbeat he was gone. Those waves were so big in the beginning, but they do come from time to time. I have learned he lives on in other ways, but never will be where I needed him to be. I put all he taught me in to play, but sometimes I am drowning in the grief - compounded by the loss of others in the family has left me with scars. Grief will stay the same size in my heart, but I will be waiting for the next wave.
This was a beautiful explanation! The only thing I would like him to include is the fear of forgetting the person you loved. After my mother died, I became my dad's caregiver. I've never seen anyone miss another person so much. When his emotions started to calm as when the waves come less often and are less powerful, he would panic and be afraid he was going to forget her because he was having moments that felt normal because he wasn't thinking of her for 30 minutes or so. I struggled to help him through that. Unfortunately, he has now passed. I wish I could have eased his fear. What would be your advice for him? (my mom and dad were married 60+ years.
Added this to the bookmarks... In the near future ı have to come here regularly and read this through over and over again.. thank you old man
Grief is a function of love. The greater the love, the greater the grief. The closer the loved one, the more devastating the loss. Grief is, in some ways, a celebration of how beautiful and wonderful the love was. You don't grieve over losing someone you don't know of someone you hate. You might feel bad, but you don't grieve. My mom died in 1975. There is not a day I do not miss her, but I have so much to remember. AND before she died [breast cancer] I went to her and told her how much I loved her, how much I appreciated everything she had done for me, how happy I was to have her as my mom and that there were no "bad" feelings between us. When she died about a month later, my grief was for what was gone, NOT because I hadn't said all the things I should have. There was no "if only" grief. I learned that the past is gone, the future may never come and today is all we have. I learned to love as though I will never see that person again.
Ok. This was a wave. Nothing left unsaid with either my Dad or my Mom. The very last thing my Mom and I ever said to each other was "I love you." For that I am forever grateful.
Load More Replies...i just lost my dad on the 3rd to cancer and heart failure. i sure do miss him
I love this. I lost my Grandparents 15/17 years ago and my waves are far and few between now. Now it's just little tidal waves sometimes. BUT I am getting married in December and I know that another 100ft wave will be crashing in to me then. They never got to see me truly happy. When they were here, my first husband was not a good person. They saw me struggle and be perpetually sad all the time. Now I have the perfect man (for me) and man, I wish they were here to know him and to be physically present on our day.
It's so very true. I lost a few people the last 5 years. Family and friends and some of my clients. I work as a carer at home. With sick and elderly people. At the moment one of my oldest friends , I know him for 27 years is very sick. I visit him weekly and I know every week can be the last. It won't be long until he is no longer here. So I make the best out of our time together. To me it feels like a rollercoaster. We are on it together and it will crash. He will not survive and I will be hurt. I just don't know how much I will be hurt. But I know it will be bad. It already hurts a lot. Sometimes I'm kind of okay. Other times I feel completely heartbroken. I realised I have to accept it. There's nothing I can do . Or anyone can do. Some tell me ,he will be out of pain. And though that's true, It doesn't change the emotions I feel. I collect everything that reminds me of him. And make the most of the time we have. And when time comes I will surf the waves.
It's so very true. I lost a few people the last 5 years. Family and friends and some of my clients. I work with sick and elderly people. At the moment one of my oldest friends , I know him for 27 years is very sick. I visit him weekly and I know every week can be the last. It won't be long until he is no longer here. So I make the best out of our time together. To me it feels like a rollercoaster. We are on it together and it will crash. He will not survive and I will be hurt. I just don't know how much I will be hurt. But I know it will be bad. It already hurts a lot. Sometimes I'm kind of okay. Other times I feel completely heartbroken. There's nothing I can do . Or anyone can do. Some tell me ,he will be out of pain. And though that's true, It doesn't change the emotions I feel. I collect everything that reminds me of him and when time comes I will need to surf the waves.
One of life’s built-in curses is knowing that you can’t grow old without experiencing the deaths of so many people who mean so much to you. No way around it.
I get incredibly attached to my friends and people I love. I’m so scared of permanently losing someone so close to me. 😞
I lost multiple loved ones last year, and honestly, it's hard to move on afterwards. Please, just stay alive. There are some things worth living for.
That's pretty accurate. The "good" is ... at some point you think of the lost one ... and you can smile, or even laugh ... without it "feeling wrong". You can think of, or talk about the one you've lost ... and it won't tear you apart anymore. The good feeling of "back then" comes back, when you think of them, or talk about them. And even if you sometimes still get teary, at some point you notice, that things are getting better somehow.
his was so beautiful and so honest, it really does help you understand and learn to cope with life after. Thank you so much for writing this
It certainly can feel like that a great deal of time. I'm sorry that you are in such a low place right now, and I pray that it won't last too much longer until you can see at least a little of the light of day. I've been where you are most of the past year. Heck, I'm in the same place most days still, but I have to have hope that this won't last forever.
Load More Replies...
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