Dad Complains 23 Y.O. Daughter Isn’t Helping Around The House, She Surprises Family By Secretly Leaving Home For Good
Some say that the concept of family ought to be considered a value, something to be cherished at all costs. And rightfully so. After all, it’s key to who we are as individuals and it’s supposed to be a sort of safety net as far as us being social beings is concerned.
But families don’t always work for everyone, especially if there is conflict and perhaps even exertion of power by parents upon kids, even if the kids are all grown up and you needn’t use extreme emotion to send a message. Or maybe you just need to listen, and not send a message.
Whatever the case, this next story shows just how bad it can get sometimes because of this.
More Info: Reddit
Families don’t always work out for everyone, which leads them to pack up their things and leave
Image credits: XPeria2Day (not the actual photo)
So, 23-year-old Reddit user u/lilacswans recently went to Reddit to get some perspective on a situation she ended up in.
In particular, she asked the Am I The A-Hole community if she was wrong to leave her family home without telling anyone in the family after a fight she had with her dad.
You see, OP is a grad student who is also juggling two jobs (technically, one part-time job and one internship, but still very valid), and she often ends up leaving home early in the morning and coming back late in the evenings. But she still makes an effort to do her part with regards to chores whenever she is at home.
This is exactly what happened to this one Redditor, except the family wasn’t happy about it, despite kinda wanting it to happen
Image credits: lilacswans
One day she decided she’d empty out the dishwasher, but she needed to take a shower first. This turned out to be a grave mistake as dad had a problem with the dishwasher not being empty at this point and proceeded to make a huge fuss about it.
It was such a huge fuss, in fact, that he didn’t seem to even try to listen to OP, or even, in fact, notice that she does do her part around the house. Instead, he started putting her down, calling her useless, and even going so far as to threaten to kick her out of the house.
Image credits: lilacswans
Image credits: noricum (not the actual photo)
Since the 23-year-old’s attempts at explaining herself were in vain, especially when dad specifically told her to shut it, she decided to do the “be careful what you wish for” thing, and simply packed up and left in secret early in the morning.
The parents didn’t take this lightly, though, as they started frantically questioning why she didn’t come home and seemingly asking her to come back. But she was having none of it, and had been living in her car for a week as of the posting of the thread on Reddit.
She also proceeded to block her family, who started bugging her friends in hopes of contacting her. She did end up visiting one friend, who explained that what OP did was awful leaving and ignoring the family like that. But it was clear that OP’s mind was made up—she was threatened, she didn’t feel safe at home, so she left. If anything, she was doing her dad a favor.
And while the family and even OP’s friend didn’t support her, the internet did
But given how many people around her were seemingly against her decision, she wanted to find out if she was actually right here. The internet was, fortunately for her, of a completely different opinion, saying that she is not wrong to have done what she did.
Besides everyone pointing out that she is an adult and can make these decisions, they agreed that threats are a sure red flag that won’t end well no matter how you spin it. It’s abusive, if anything.
Others expressed their support for OP, helping her figure out what the next step ought to be, homeless shelters she should peep out and just giving general advice. Whatever the case, people thought she did the right thing by leaving a toxic environment.
Whatever the case may be, Redditors showed OP some love in the form of nearly 14,000 upvotes and a handful of Reddit awards. You can check out the post in context here, but before you do that, why not share your thoughts and opinions in the comment section below!
Who cares about being an Ahole to someone who's emotionally abusing you. I don't give a **** if it's your dad, your mom, or anyone else else in your family. If you aren't treated with humanity, the "be an adult and take responsibility" argument is pathetic. Being an adult doesn't mean taking punches to the face and being cool about it, that's how manipulative people maintain power over you. Being an adult means taking responsibility for your own life and taking the steps to get yourself out of a situation like that however it's done. Block em, and leave them hanging for as long as you want. That's the price a parent must pay for treating their kids like ****. If I treat my daughter with such disrespect and she does that to me, I deserve it, and that's why I'm never going to treat her in a way where she thinks that of me. Good on you for standing up for yourself.
Thank you you said what I was thinking! UPVOTE FOR YOU!!
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Any parent that tells their hard-working college student that 1) they aren't doing anything around the house 2) they could kick them out and 3) they will never get a job and will live with them forever don't deserve to have contact. I probably have left a note but they couldn't be helpful your self-esteem with their negativity.
Ill bet that house is very unorganized, messy, etc., otherwise, why rely so heavily on a kid in college with 2 jobs. What do each of the parents do with chores, what about the other siblings. The treatment this child endured is in fact, worthy of child protective services if there's younger siblings in the house & no kid deserves this. OP is an adult thank God, she got out in time.
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I don't know how she stayed until 23. I was out as soon as I could make that happen. My first apartment was a '73 Pinto hatchback. That said - the parents are concerned and it isn't hard for OP to let them know she's safe. You don't have to burn every bridge just because you crossed it.
Bridges are set on fire by the abuser. There comes a time when the abuser runs out of bridge.
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Ahole for the way she did it. Completely understandable to want to leave and get away, but at 23 she is an adult and should be dealing with it like an adult. Running away in the night without telling anyone after an argument and refusing to acknowledge or respond to them is like something a teenager would do to "punish" their parents after a fight by making them worry. Just tell them you are leaving and go, no need for the drama
Particularly if the plan is to go back, eventually. Then It's essentially attempting to punish them. Is she does not return and really does cut them out of her life, that is her prerogative..
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Your dad made a whole federal case out of you wanting to take a shower before emptying the dishwasher; like, who does that?? He flat-out KNEW that you have been working from morning to night, and he wanted to start a fight over a relatively minor issue?? And threaten to kick to you out over THAT?? You simply decided to be proactive by leaving under cover of darkness, thus saving him the trouble. NOW they're concerned when they found you gone and don't know where you are! You already let them know that you're OK via friends but not coming back. So unless parents swallow their pride and apologize, you don't have to talk to them. NTA!
Manipulative and abusive parenting. the worst kind... His fat ass owns the house his fat ass owns the dishes his fat ass does not own the adult child any longer... She should have told his dumbass to get up and do the f*****g dishes on his own and to stop being a lazy abusive manipulative piece of s**t!
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Damn! That takes some guts! But I hope she finds a safer place to stay than her car... Couch-surfing?
Maybe she doesn't have friends like that. Not saying she is unfriendly but if she is seriously about her education she may have forgone casual friendships especially with the who world going sidewise for the last few years
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I havent spoken to my sperm donor in a decade, the streak was ruined by my brother who decided to put us in the same proximity recently. He told me my yard could do with some maintenance. After a decade. He wanted to tell me how I'm f*****g up my yard. Just because they birthed you, does not mean your family is actually "Family". Going NC with anyone toxic is healthy for you. 100% NTA
I'm sorry I'm a little confused is the sperm donor your ex or your father??
Load More Replies... If you had been abducted and murdered instead of moved out. Would you WANT them to look for you. It sounds like a lot of over reacting on both sides. There were complaints, apparently, that reached his ears, or possibly the helping was un-observed. Is trying for more fairness on both sides, worth it? Is sleeping in your car worth it? Is scaring your family worth it? Is cutting off all communication, worth it? And all of this, is over some dishes done or undone or garbage taken out or not? If your father was mistaken, is it worth the relationship to try again, to help understanding happen? 100 years from now, will this problem matter? If not it should not matter now, in the big scheme of things. Are you making it bigger than it needs to be?
If her parents actually cared they would not have threatened to kick her out on the street where she would 100% still not be any safer. That's not parenting that's being an ahole.
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Not an AH to her parents but definitely being one to herself. With college, a pt job and an internship she needs help. Go to a shelter and ask them to help her figure out what she most needs. A place to sleep definitely. College? Maybe not full time… I went from full time to part time to finish my degree and it only took me an extra 2 years, not much in the grand scheme of things. Job? Yes, but an unpaid internship? Get help and stop punishing yourself.
She's in the middle of her last classes. She needs to finish, not drag it out. Check with the college - they'll have resources for homeless students. Also check with churches - a member might be willing to house her temporarily, even if it's a week at this house, a week at that.
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NTA. Your dad and mom wanted to make you homeless but when you leave on your own will, they want to speak to you and make sure your okay, you owned them no explanation they didn't appreciate your help either tbh i would do the same thing.
And I guarantee you the moment she contacted her abusive ass parents the first words out of their stupid mouths is going to be how she f****d up... Parents like that don't deserve the kids they have especially if they grow up to be better f*****g people than they were......
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Jus a view from an older man,,I'm 62 and my kids are grown and loveing their lives but parents and kids argue and fuss at each other and we all say things that we wish we would not of said,,,,now on another note you sound like you are a very independent young woman trying to kick start and get your life going and for that kiddos to you,,just remember young lady it's a rough world out there and you have to be CAREFUL were you sleep and stay.you know your parents love you very much are they would not be searching for you.you will understand the worries a parent goes thru down the road when you have children if that's is your plan,,a parents love and worries of their children is a bond that is unexplainable,,so just apiece of advice just let them know your safe,,as far as leaving the house in an angry move kids have done that for years and years and made good...to sum this up you sound like you are ready to head out and make your mark in the world and good for you and good luck .just be
I'm a parent of two boys, and if I know for a FACT that I would be worried if I didn't know where they were in the middle of the night and they were just out wandering the street with nowhere to go or no idea where they're going to go, I wouldn't be the one to put them there! If I didn't want my kids out in the streets, I don't threaten to put them out! It's really that simple! Don't tell this girl that her parents love her after they threatened to put her out and she's a GRAD STUDENT (probably with no criminal record) and she's an intern and she works a part-time job. She's that accomplished and that self-driven and THAT'S how they speak to her? She's doing all THAT for herself, and they're mad every time they don't see her washing a dish or wiping a window? Does that sound right to you? They don't love her, they're probably jealous of her! All parents aren't like you, remember that!
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If your parents threaten to make you homeless.. they don't deserve to know where you go or how you are. By leaving on your own you took control of a situation that could of left you homeless and with less time to have packed. Would they have expected you to keep in touch and keep them know what alley you were parked in if it had been that way? Don't think so.
Good for her. Just because they are your family doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life. Abuse is abuse. My family was the exact same way. I haven’t spoken to my dad since 1997, spoken to my little sister since 2010, my older half-sister since 2002, and the rest of my family since 2014. I used to be an alcoholic because of the abuse I had to endure with my family. Once I cut off contact with all of them I stopped drinking. It was like the air was let back into my lungs. I couldn’t believe how wonderful and free I felt. Good for you girl! don’t go back, don’t look behind you! what you did took an immense amount of courage and I don’t know you but I am absolutely proud of you. Keep looking forward, never look back and you will succeed In everything that you want in life.
Isn't it funny how that whole alcoholic abuse cycle works the alcohol is a crutch because the abusers don't give up and the moment you cut them off and get rid of them you no longer need the f*****g alcohol!! Honestly alcohol is a scourge of the Earth but so are abusers....
Load More Replies... You took control of a situation that could of been ugly... for example being kicked out with no time to pack what you need. I'd ghost them too.
Yep me too and I would have been even more Petty about it I'm 41 years old and I'm having arguments with my 60 something year old father because he seems to still think I'm stupid.... And I pretty much decided to stop bothering with it as well... Because there comes a point in time where you just can't argue with a boulder anymore... You can't change the mind of a brick wall... So yes the best thing you can do is take control of the situation put it all in your hands and then smash the gas be gone and let them worry about it!
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NTA. I had a similar fight with my father. My parents divorced when I was 17. After graduating high school, I got a full time job as a receptionist and was going to night school to be an accountant. My father was well aware of this. It did not stop him from complaining that the house was not being vacuumed, dishes were piling up, trash wasn't being taken out. I told him Do you see me in the morning before I leave? "No" That's because I'm gone before you are. Do you see me in the evening when I come home? "No" That's because I'm out late at school. And given the fact that I eat all three of my meals away from the house, who is dirtying the dishes and creating the trash? "Oh.." Sounds like you have more time for this than I do. Not only did he start doing stuff on his own...he actually would get up early and make sure I had breakfast before I walked out the door. Sorry your Dad wasn't as understanding.
OP made her choice. Clearly the parents didn't want her around anymore. I hope she's still on good terms with her sister, though. If you're going to tell the police to disregard a possible future missing person report, make sure to specify ONLY reports from the family and it doesn't apply to friends or colleagues. A young woman (especially one living in her car) can very easily be a target. Make sure you check in with your friends regularly and tell someone you trust where you're going to be
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I did similar. Must say, good on you. I wasted my childhood and especially teen years. Focused solely on school (largely to not think about the abuse and to fantasize about being rich and independent and emancipated). I was babysitting so constantly i went to online school in part to escape stalker no one would help me with until he fulfilled his rape threats, and in large part to be available 24/7 for babysitting the babies too young for school and the other kids when out of school. No pay. No ability to work and make money. No recognition. Despite me cleaning the whole house nearly every day (and screamed at and grounded from the Internet/school for at least a month if I didn't get everything good enough for their tastes even once in a week). No appreciation. Declarations i don't do anything, am lazy, cost too much money... So i left. Over 5 years later my mother and aunt are still trying to convince me to move back to OKC at least. I'm done with toxic, entitled, abusive parents.
I left in college. My mother manipulated me into taking out a student loan, since she had too much debt and wasnt even allowed to borrow from her sister anymore. She convinced me she really just needed to fix her car and i need transportation for school anyway so really the loan is for me even if she's the one using it. But the day the loan came in, she violently removed me from said vehicle on or way to school, making memiss all my tests that day. because she didn't like when I corrected her smug platitudes with material from school. (Ironically her position was free speech for Nazis cause "just cause I don't like what they say doesn't mean they should have even social consequences [rejection of group from school for kkk] for saying it" but you know not applicable to 20 year olds you supposedly love. I drafted up a contract that would require i actually have reliable transportation to school. Also terms for her paying me back. She didn't even let me get 3 words out to preamble it.
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As a parent of five grown women I could never imagine causing them to not be comfortable in their home. I say their home because if I am there not only my daughters but family is at home. A house is sticks and bricks but a home is a connection of much more. I would never want to be treated in that manner and could not do this to someone I love.
I'm honestly surprised the OP didn't leave sooner. Sounds like the parents favor the baby sister anyway
If nothing else in life, I've learned there are two sides to every story and if you only hear one side tell it you can be fooled to buy into it. I was a hard headed young adult as well and had my sob story to tell friends. Later in life, I got to experience the other side of that coin. The one thing I remember most is that the only ones that came to aid me in a couple of rough patches at age 35 were my parents.
I also left home at 17 when the situation became more than I could bear, and I have never regretted my decision, but I didn't burn any bridges (not throwing shade on OP for doing so). Family dynamics are tricky even in healthy families, and I wouldn't presume to know the answers for OP in this situation. I think it's really brave to move out without having a place to go, and I hope she can ask for help from her school, or a shelter, or maybe find a cheap room for the next few months until she graduates. What I did, after I left, was mail a letter to my mother, telling her I was fine, I was comfortable with my decision to leave, and telling her I would eventually be in touch, and not to look for me. Several years later, I reopened communications, and though we were never close, I did have a relationship with her, and the rest of the family.
Something super similar happened to me. My mom kicked me out while drunk. I didn't have a car. But, I stayed at a friend's couch for 2 weeks. Then got a super tiny studio. While my mom was calling me and calling. Come back. And I was like FU. With a part time. It was really hard. But, I got thru it. You will too. Stand up for yourself and you did. You should be super proud of yourself.
My dad was getting married and asked me to get rid of my dog because his new wife didn't like dogs. I did and she proceeded to be awful to me. I figured she came from a tough situation and I tried to point out what I did ss a gesture of support.. she turned around and told me my dog was a runt. So I started yelling f**k you at the top of my lungs. Not only did my dad call me a liar when I said what Trudy called my dog, he kicked me out that night, literally two weeks after giving my dog away. Till he died he called my every birthday blaming my mom for not telling him where I was. I saw him before he died and all he did was brag about all the stuff he had. I made my peace... with myself.. cutting them off was definitely the best decision I ever made.
I wish I knew the OP so she could live with me and be safe. I had the same type of parents and its awful. I'm still trying to unpack and correct all the damage even after almost 30yrs. Its seriously a never ending internal struggle to reprogram my thoughts from years of abuse. All the best to the OP and please stay safe. If you have to sleep in your car please try to stay in an emergency room parking lot, a police station lot or even a friends driveway.
The thing that gets me is that when the dad asked what she has done lately to help out, after accusing her of never doing anything, he acts exactly like someone who knows they’re too far down that road to turn back and they double down after she gives a relevant and perfectly legit example of something she’s done. Dad: Prove it! Daughter: *proves it* Dad: You better stop getting smart with me! I can make you homeless, you know! Classic boomer parent behaviour.
Going to college is a job. It requires much work, and, on top of studying, she is also working a paid job and doing an internship for work experience. Her parents should be proud of her, but instead tell her she won’t amount to anything. They are the assholes in this instance, but a note should have left before she moved out. Why? Because now her parents are receiving the sympathy.
NTA. What parents threaten to make their own child homeless?! Monsters. You did right. F**k them. What did they expect? Also, f**k your friend who told you you should not make them worried. How about they don't emotionally abuse you?! I am sorry you have to live in your car but I am happy you got away.
So - this is pretty much what happened to me. Moved out almost the same age too. Only difference is that my parents, (mother, mostly) threatened to abandon me since I was around 9 years old. For all of you who are about to say "oh but she was just joking" or... "Well, people say dumb things out of anger" - stop. No, she was serious and would remind me regularly and consistently that I was a drain on her life and how much better everything would be if she had given me up or never had me. At 23/24 I was working and the whole "We own you because you live here" attitude skyrocketed, and there was the added "Since you're such an adult, you need to pay for upkeep of the house" - but they would still 'own' me. So I moved out after looking for a place on my own... and then I was this ungrateful, disappointment for 'abandoning' them... so they didn't talk to me - until they needed me for something.
Let the local police know that you are not a missing person and you are safe. I would go buy camping equipment and get a tent spot at a campground at least. They're cheap and have showers and bathrooms. Then just save every penny you can and get your own place. You can also use the campground address for mail usually and a home address for jobs. You can also apply for public aid so you have money for food and medical insurance.
Definitely NTA. My parents threatened to put me in a women's shelter. I told them I'd move half way across the country before I let them do that, and then I did without telling them I was leaving. Sis and friends were already loaded to respond that I was safe and would call on my own terms. NJ to TX and never looked back, best decision I ever made. I called a week after I left.
NTA you are what so many GOOD parents want. Your going to school and working. If you were on your tush all day,doing nothing, then I'd say something..As a parent I'm proud of you. I was on my own at 13 yrs old and learned alot of things THE HARD WAY. Stay strong and your blessings will come
Damn.. this is literally the exact same thing I'm going thru rn except it's just me and my dad, I work and have an expedited college program where I finish terms every three months and jump into new ones right after, no break for summer. I've been taking care of my dad's cat after she almost died from pyometra and he doesn't give a f**k. I wish I could leave but I have too much stuff. I tried getting my friend to lemme stay but she says there's stuff she has going on and I get that, but it's hard cuz not only does he berate me, he makes uncomfortable remarks to me asw.
Stay strong, Chay! Don't hesitate to get counseling if things get too rough. Everyone needs help sometimes.
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All I heard from my stepmom when I was growing up was how she couldn't wait until I was 18 + she could kick me out of the house. Guess what, woman: my dad was my dad wayyyyy before he was your husband! (she hated that one!)
NTA for leaving, kind of a small AH for not at least letting your family know you're safe.
I had just gotten home from Desert Storm and came out as gay. My parents disowned me. I guess being gay trumped being a decorated combat vet. I was couch surfing in Chicago and things weren't working out and I was close to being homeless. I called my dad to ask if I could move home for a few months (my three siblings moved in and out of the house multiple times) and he said no. I told him it was January in Chicago and I was about to be homeless. He hung up on me. I found a place to live. Months later they began verbally abusing me by leaving anti-gay, homophobic messages on my machine. Calling me evil, a pedophile, brainwashed. Then they tried to force me into conversion therapy. I cancelled my number and got a private one. They were assholes to me the rest of my life. I never once took a dime from them either. So parents like that can go f**k themselves.
Just unbelievably awful Mr Jones. I'm straight but my upbringing was similar due to my parents' religion. We were estranged most o my adult life- we talked here & there, but the unchristian christianity really stole the relationship. In the end they died really unhappy deaths. Didn't want what they had...still don't. You are a remarkably strong & adaptive person. Practice your own principles & Keep on Steppin'. Thank you for your service & sacrifice.
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NTA - sounds like an abusive controlling environment where her Dad wanted to use his power over her by threatening to make her homeless (who does that without what I would consider reasonable grounds such as drug use, bringing police to the door, being violent) i cut my own mother off two years ago for similar reasons, years ago her partner had lent me $600 for a deposit, I paid the money back but my mother thought all these years she was a guarantor on my apartment & after refusing contact with her for a year, she said she was going to speak to my landlord & remove herself as my guarantor & I quote good luck finding someone else to be that & was bathing in what she thought was payback by trying to make me lose my home, luckily I have a great relationship with my landlord & she never signed anything legal so had no grounds, my landlord was great & I’ve never missed a rent payment, so told my mum she wasn’t a guarantor. It revealed to me a whole new depth someone would sink too.
NTA, at age 23, it really does seem like she should get out on her own, but she also isn't really helping the situation by living in her car. At least let them know you are okay. But leave it at that if you don't want any more contact. Then, find someplace safer to stay. The one way you'll prove yourself to them, and more importantly, to yourself, is to thrive on your own.
I'm 51 left home at 16 continued on to graduate high school not a GED even though I live almost an hour away from my high school and didn't have a car at the time. By the time I was 17 I was taking care of my five younger brothers with zero help. Never went back home and never spoke to my grandmother again. I was adopted by my grandparents and my grandfather who was my everything died when I was 13. My grandmother was abusive mentally and physically but my grandfather whom to me is my dad didn't know as he worked offshore. He found out about the abuse and was making plans to leave and take me with him when he was told he had cancer and died 21 years later. After that the abuse got worse. The day I left my sister,her husband and my three year old niece who I cared for since the day she was born saw my grandmother try to strangle me with a telephone cord after she accused me of lying and my sister and I proved I wasn't. I pushed her off,walked out of the door and that was it.
Good for you. I am glad you took care of yourself.
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f**k them, you owe them nothing, now you can get on with a better life without them.
OP is a scapegoat in a narcissistic family and while her sister might be the golden child right now, this OP has the best chance in this toxic family to succeed in life through hard work, humility and perseverance. I’m so glad to see the support she was given through the Reddit community! I hope she cuts contact and stays that way. I wasted many years of life trying to prove my original family wrong about me and it only fanned the flames of their rage and jealousy. I hope she surrounds herself with people who truly love her and wants her to succeed and creates the life she deserves.
I don't see what else you could do but get out, but send them a letter (no return adress of course) telling them, that you are safe. Also try to tell them why you don't want to come back or even se them again. Because you have a yonger sister, and maybe they will treat her better then.
Yeah, big man of the house. That's their trump card " I own this house". (even when they were acting like fidiots) So sorry your mom wasn't on your side. Not the a*****e. Not worrying about getting kicked to the curb and whether you done enough chores to avoid the barbs and insults from either parent. You don't need that kind of insecurity and abuse! My parents had the casual barbs occasionally about treating the house like a hotel but when I moved out they complained I hardly called. Seriously. Regret on their part? But it was never to the point of actually saying 'get out' so things could heal over time. This will take a long time to heal if it ever is going to. They did provide for you as a child so expect that change in dynamic later when you have to pay them back in kind if you choose to. Stay safe though.
We don't get to choose the families we're born into, unfortunately - and not everyone ends up with the Brady Bunch or Leave It to Beaver parents. We don't know the full story here, but it sounds like this is a pattern of emotional abuse by the parents, and I don't think the OP is the a**hole for leaving. She had a friend let them know she's safe but doesn't want contact. That's as far as she needs to go for now. I hope she truly is safe and finds a safe place to live soon.
As and adult, you have consider what is your "rent". If you're over 18 and still living at home you have to be aware of the "costs". There are always costs even if it just following the family rules on guests, locking up, late hours, dinner, etc. If she was no longer willing to pay that "rent" then fine. Her new "rent" is living in her car and showering at the gym. It might have been cool to leave a parting communication saying, "you wanted me out, well I'm gone." Just to let them know that she hadn't been taken or harmed. For me, I would have toughed it out until June or I found a job or room mate.
Wow. NTA. Hope you are doing ok right now. I ve been living with my parents and heard the same from her as you. I don't have the means to move out (I study full time two majors and work - but that doesn't coverage the amount of money that would be needed to find a place of my own and pay for health care and stuff) so I totally feel you and hope everything would work out great for you!
My parents, especially my father, continued to treat me like I was under their control when I'd come to visit them, long after I was an adult, married & had children. It was the main reason my son came to dislike his grandfather so much. My parents didn't believe in any adults but themselves.
Not a popular opinion, but YTA. People say stupid stuff when they are upset, at least have a conversation the day after and work it from there. My mom was hurting when she said stupid stuff to me, I could never do something like this to my family.
(some) Parents are the worse... Think you have NOWHERE to go? I did too, then I joined the military and I loved every miinute of it. Even bootcamp. Food, housing, money (not the best, but hey- better than nothing or homeless), and training for a real job. Just wish I went into computers or flight hardware, instead of medical.
Definitely NTA. I wish I could do what the OP did... My father has never threatened to kick me out over not helping out to my face, but I do know that he throws temper tantrums to my mom about it. Then he gets angry at her because she semi-stands up for me and says that we could all stand to do more. My father wants me to be his maid, and it would be one thing if I was healthy. I'm not. I had to move back in with them when I became disabled and couldn't rely on disability insurance to reliably pay so I could cover rent. I don't know if it's that he doesn't see me struggling because I've gotten better at managing my condition (so he forgets anything is wrong) or if since he's also sick, his sickness trumps everything else. I refuse to cause myself pain keeping the house clean while he sits around on a computer or stays in bed. I'm grateful I have this safety net, but it's hard living with him. People who have good relationships with family just don't get it.
I learned much later in life that some family members are so toxic that you must cut them off to protect yourself. I wasn't close to my youngest brother or older sister, but I only really found out what they were really like when my Mom went into assisted living. That's when, as her executor and trustee, I found out that they hadn't even waited for her to die before grabbing everything that wasn't nailed down. Meanwhile they ignored her as a person--didn't visit. My brother sued to take over as trustee. After he went to her live-in facility to try to gather evidence, they told me about the visit and commented that they didn't even know I had a brother.
I'm glad everyone's saying NTA. This is what pisses me off about people who have had ideal childhoods. They're totally inept and unempathetic. You know what was wrong? For the father, part of whom brought this woman into the world, to threaten to kick his daughter out. For the mother, the other of whom brought this woman into the world, to not do anything, or even side with the idiot who was in the wrong. The ONLY reason they act concerned is because they aren't the ones who kicked her out, and they didn't get the last say. That's not love. That's contempt. And they can shove it.
This is awesome, too many times daughters tend to buckle to parents overbearing bs. It's great to see one stand up for herself, and I understand why she'd need others approval as the one best friend is talking her out of it. Going back home without proving them wrong will only validate their opinions and make things worse.
They were mean. But adult behavior does not include anything that could be confused with being kidnapped.
Good for you for getting out of a toxic situation. Living in your car ; however really isn't the safest bet. It could reflect in your work .I hope it doesn't. Check into your local woman's shelter ; also there could be help from your school. Don't hold anything back . Love to you from Wyoming.
This is exactly what I did. Even though I was homeless for nearly a decade which was a different kind of struggle, I felt so much better having left those toxic family members to fight amongst themselves. It’s unfortunate that so many family members must go through this as a way of self preservation.
My 9 siblings were either thrown out or left our parents on our own as teenager’s and we all grew up to have good lives and I’m sure a 23 year old grad student will be just fine. I do worry about her sleeping in a car because it can be very unsafe, not to mention how impractical it would be in bad weather. Hopefully she can find some friends or relatives to stay with.
Daughter should be proud--not PRIDEFUL but PROUD--of her accomplishments. Sounds like she's doing well. Dad is clearly infantile in many ways and likely very jealous. If he's been into drugs, etc, he's basically a narcissist. And perhaps he feels that she is NOT pulling her weight enough. Sister could help there. But WHERE is mom in all this drama??? Do both parents work and are truly tired?? Fully forthrightly, your parents are SERIOUSLY WORRIED and NEED to know that YOU'RE SAFE. Keeping control of them via the silent treatment, with your "I'll show YOU" behavior is mean. It's making them suffer. You cannot know this unless you are a parent. THAT seems more vindictive than demonstrative of adult dec ig soon making skills and TRUE maturity. Your father was wrong to threaten you with homelessness. He'd do well with therapy. And mom too perhaps. Perhaps you can find a way to talk with them, and all of you, incl. sister, reach an agreement with boundaries.
Sounds like these parents need to step back. This gal is working & going to school. She sounds as though she's handling her business & as an adult she has the right to make decisions with or without parental approval. 18 to 20- something's can be really irritating. I look at it as it's Nature's way of causing the parents to eject them from the cave- they're old enough to survive " in the Wild." It's how it should be LOL. I raised 5 & I didn't like every decision they made. I warned. I gave my observations. I then stepped back & didn't harp. We ALL make mistakes- it's how we learn. My children are all adults now & will actually consult me if they feel they need to...TA-DA!
This post made me feel better. At 18, I walked across the stage and got my degree, went home, packed a bag in the dress I graduated in and left. It pissed my parents off so bad that my dad went around town with a baseball bat threatening anyone that if they saw me and didn't tell him, he'd hurt them. I moved 500 miles away and sometimes I think it's not far enough. I worried that my actions were rash and I was in the wrong, but the more I grow as a person, the more I understand how abusive my family was and that my actions were completely and wholly justified.
What do these freaking people think is going to happen after they push and push and say the kind of s**t they do?! This kind of emotional abuse, especially against daughters, seems so damned common...like they think that there's no other alternative but to sit down, shut up, and take it. Well, joke's on them! The young woman is finishing her education, working hard, and is fiercely independent. I wish her the very best of luck!
They're assholes, no doubt. That you left is probably for the best for your own mental health. Still, the way you did it
Accidentally pressed enter. I was gonna say: the way you did it, isnt nice. Sure, leaving without telling, fine. But at least send them a message begore blocking them. We dont live in a safe world. You couldve had an accident, got kidnapped or worse.
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We're not getting the whole story here. And yes, moving out without telling anybody is a total a** move. I'd hazard a guess that threatening to throw somebody out is also because that person considers it to be the worst thing that could happen. Also an a** move, doesn't excuse it, but living in a car ("I'm safe", my foot) to spite your family is insane. Like I said, we don't the the whole story.
NTA personally if I was her after my dad said what hers did I simply would have said "OK DAD since u feel that way." And went packed my s**t right then and there called a trusted friend and asked if I could stay with them until I could find a place but just before leaving I would turn back to my dad and say "oh 2 things DAD one the chores weren't siss doing they were mine and if u don't believe me wait a couple days u will see and 2 don't contact me or try to find me for anything ever period." And turned and walked out and not looked back then block them and cut ties.
Sometimes you have to act to save your own sanity and stand up for what you honestly believe. When you feel more established and are in a better position, you may want to think about getting back in touch, but this time on your terms. The breathing space might make them see things differently. Speaking from experience.
My parents have never ever treated my siblings or I like this. When my financial situation became too rough at one point, they insisted that I move back in. After my car accident last year, they wanted me to stay with them for a few days. My sister recently moved back in with them because her seizures were getting worse and they have never mistreated her for this. Some people don't need to have children because they don't know how to treat them. She's not the a-hole, but she definitely needs to cut off the friend that called her one. She doesn't owe her parents a thing.
I feel like I can skip reading BoredPanda and just read Reddit now, so much is just ripped off from Reddit.
Can we talk about that picture of the dish washer? What is going on there?
This was like my dad. He would always yell at me about whatever and even tell me to move out. But when I'd actually hint that I was thinking about it, he'd manipulate me into not leaving. So when I finally did leave, I didn't tell them until after it was already decided so they couldn't manipulate me into staying.
ESH because ghosting your entire family like a bad date is not taking the moral high ground. Also, it sounds like dad was being kind of a d**k but it doesn't sound THAT out of the ordinary for a dad. It may be time to move out but this doesn't seem worth burning bridges over. Considering we are only getting one side of the story, it's quite possible that the OP is actually a bit lazy with chores, in which case reality is going to be a lot meaner than dad once they have to take care of everything themselves.
Good parents don't constantly tell their children that they will amount to nothing and threaten to throw them out over something utterly trivial. That's abuse.
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Dad is the a*****e and the daughter is an a*****e. Sometimes I argue with my family too, but I can't imagine the stress and panic if any member of it disappeared FOR DAYS after the argument. This is just cruel. People can do weird and dangerous things in such emotional situations. She should at least let the family know she is safe AT THE BEGINNING. Maybe her sister was worrying too?
Big hugs to everyone who left home early to escape abusive parents. I did that 50 years ago (!!!) and it was absolutely the right thing to do. Everyone I had pegged as an a**hole crashed & burned while I've loved almost every second I've been away from them. Love definitely wins.
As a parent to young adults, her dad was wrong. He isn’t looking at what she’s doing, he’s busy worrying about what he thinks she’s not doing. The younger sister could be working too. Comparing your kids to each other is big fat wrong thing to do! They’re individuals and have their own lives. She’s working hard to get somewhere and that’s amazing! She should reach out to her family though because tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. I had a stupid disagreement with one of my sisters over 15 years ago and the next day she was killed in a car accident, a hit and run, no one came forward. I don’t care how upset I am, I will apologize because I never want to experience that again. Dad, you were wrong to treat your daughter like that.
A family with poor comuication skills and toxic relationships habits, for sure, of which this passive aggressive "I gave you what you asked for now I want you to suffer" approach is a product. OP has some lessons to learn about how when you move out you have to do all the jobs around the house AND work, which will be a healthy learning experience. Sounds like it was best for everyone that she moves out. Cutting off family can be necessary but I suspect she will circle back to crafting a more mature relationship once she truly appreciates independent living and all the responsibilities that come with financially supporting, managing and mantaining a family home. These folks would all benefit form some counseling.
Agreed. They were both the a$%hat. Them for being douches her for Leaving without a word or a trace. Was it really for her own safety? I think not because her physicacality was not threatened. Her pride and honor were bruised. An unstable housing situation was the threat. She left without a note or a trace to hurt them and make them regret their words. She could have left a note saying their words hurt her and she finds it best to live elseware and until she is settledand less angry she is going to go radio silent, to please not reach out to her that texts and calls will go unanswered for the time being. That would be the adult thing. Or find a place within a short timeline communicate you are moving out and move out, don't place blame, don't argue, don't throw any hurt toward them don't do actions to make them feel sorry, possibly don't tell them your new address or don't invite them over, simply move on. Its very hard living with people that you can't legally be the boss of,.
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Some of the suggestions on here were stay with a friend try to live in the dorms look at the school there are a lot of situations where you'll rent a room in an apartment or rent a room in a house that usually are a lot cheaper options than dorms or staying with a friend
NTA. She did everything she could around the house and it wasn't good enough, while her sibling did nothing and sat on their rear end. OP works part time, had an internship, and is going to grad school. Dad threatened to makr her homeless so she called his bluff. Even told a friend she's safe where she is. She owes them nothing.
Well, I wouldn't say it's emotional abuse to ask for more help at home from a 23yo. She could have had a discussion about it pointing out she has two jobs and is in school etc and they could talk about some type of arrangement of what was reasonable housework. Or pay more in rent? It's not really ok to just run away and block every contact without having a discussion. She sort of owe them that.
Do you think her parents were unaware she was a grad student and had two jobs? She was barely home. The parents should have initiated a discussion if they weren't happy. That's what families do. Was she supposed to read their minds? This wasn't the first time he'd threatened to kick her out either. There's more to this story than this one event. I doubt she owes them anything. As parents/adults/humans they owed her some respect.
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Being an adult means confronting your problems not running away. You ran away and intentionally antagonized the situation by making them worry-and you knew they would. The proper and adult response would have been to indicate you’re leaving, indicate why, and leave. The fact that so many friends are on THEIR side according to your own words; when they know you personally leads me to believe the poster is in fact being dishonest about the situation in order to boost her morale on a half assed decision.
Not an a*****e, but definitely an idiot. What's the rush to go live in a car?
ESH. There is no need to make the parents worry. Just disappearing like had to be terrifying for the parents. People like OP are why police officers assume that missing persons just ran off. If she just let them know that she had left and was safe, then it would be NTA.
AH. Moving out ok, living in your car fine, blocking all contact was a little extreme but maybe you needed some time. Not telling anyone you left and safe before blocking them makes you an AH. It's petty retaliation, the least that could have been done was leave a note or send a text. Cause yeah I'd be filing a missing persons report if someone bailed like that.
Just don’t come home dead. My child left a very cushy home we still don’t know why at the age of 21 the first year it went well because she was an Emory graduate she was able to find work and she traveled across the country. But then she came home dead because what people don’t tell you when you become homeless and lose your car your mental health is extremely fragile and you will make very dumb decisions that may cost you your life. Meanwhile if you don’t wanna go home don’t but in the event you go home dead please take care of your own affairs
I might be in the minority but I think you could have left a note. I mean, no matter how things were, they were clearly worried enough to look for you and beg others to get your number or address. It's weird that people who treat you so badly seem to care so much when you're gone. Until you have kids you won't know what it's like to not know if they're okay. A note saying 'Since I'm useless to you and I don't want to be treated this way anymore, I've moved. Here's my forwarding address. thank you" would have worked. You're a grown woman living rent free at 23 yrs old, which is a privilege. You are not being held hostage- you can leave any time if things are so ongoingly bad. Also, why not be a grown up and talk to your parents about it? You posted on social media, so go to them and say everything you said here. That way it doesn't have to be a drama involving everyone else in your life. I just feel like you're someone who's acting like she didn't have any other options when you did.
Unpopular opinion - they are all immature AHs. It doesn't have to be abuse, people jump to conclusions when they don't know both sides of the story. What happened to having a conversation first, with explaining how someone's actions make you feel? No parent is perfect, and they do the best they know, sometimes their best is terrible, but try and understand their motives before you judge their actions.
She should call them just to hear what they have to say. Maybe they'll be truly sorry, or maybe they'll act like tyrants again, in which case, cut them out of her life. I get that she's pissed, and likely just being stubborn, but I would make that one call, just to see which way it goes.
In my opinion she was an a*****e, but not the only one. She left without a word and blocked them - they were totally wrong for treating her like that, but in their minds she might as well be dead. NEVER go no contact all of the sudden like that, give them a heads up or a last message stating that you will do so at the very least. Apart from that, i would probably also have ditched the family, but I wouldn't live in my car though, I would have found a friend or an AirBnb or something.
I don't think there is enough information to say either way. Telling your parents you've moved out and don't want to communicate with them anymore is the least they could do. People say things all the time that they don't mean..we don't know that her mom or dad didn't just say to move out once or twice.. there isn't enough information to give an informed opinion beyond at least saying what is going on.
I don’t blame you for leaving and cutting off contact but do let them know you’re ok. They’re probably frantic with worry. But make them understand that you left because of their behavior. Abusive people need victims to abuse. I cut my abusive sister off completely for 2 years but never told her the reason. When we reconnected, because I never spoke up, the abuse continued. You have to let them you how you feel. That being said, there’s nothing wrong with breaking away from family and cutting ties. You have to look after your own happiness and sometimes family members don’t let us be happy.
She's nta for leaving. But she needed to say something so her family knew she was okay! It's not that unusual for people to un-alive themselves after arguments. A simple message would have worked.
Lets keep in mind this is one side of the story. For all we know the parents pay for everything and ask in return that their adult children take care of the housework. Always get both sides of a story before rendering a verdict.
ESH - you were right to leave, no debate there, but to completely write them out if your life may have been too big of a reaction. Your parents should not have said the things they said (I imagine there was more said by your parents than shared). But to cut off all contact may prevent future attempts at reconciliation whatsoever, and there may be events in which you want their involvement. Just typing out loud is all.
Unpopular opinion: we are hearing only one side of the story. The way she handles this is very immature. And 23 is quite old to still be living with your parents.
Funny, I'm 24 and still living with my parents. Idk, might have to do with it being difficult to get a job that will pay you well enough to move out or maybe yknow, the fact that some people take their time and don't move out the instant they turn 18. But what do I know? I'm just living with my parents cuz I am disabled
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It used to be normal, that aduld children leave parents' house and live their own lives. No drama needed 🤷🏻♀️ I left my parents at 19, but we all have sense and sensibility and behave like adults so our relationship didn't break at all. Reaction of this young lady is too much dramatical for my taste a she deserves few weeks of camping in her car to understand the value of warm bed.
This person isn’t the a*****e. She is hurt by the biologicals, and the friend who got caught in the middle, by your biological. Their response is defensive but telling you to capitulate? If they don’t want to be involved don’t offer that advice. My advice is this. Family are the people who care not just in sunshine but rain as well. Friends are the ones who aren’t supposed pass judgement. (I have some experience with this). And to remember to include the phrase “self sufficient” and “moxie” on her CV. Solely achieved but achieved never the less. You need not explain yourself to anyone. A good friend would make room for her. I am here if she needs a shoulder! And if someone could additionally pass on this message “stand tall and with resolve against the storms, they won’t last forever, the sun is just catching up to her” *soft smile*
A little YTA though I wish we could know how much this is a pattern. Yes your parents perspective is wrong and skewed as they perceive your sisters availability to help more to be the greater good against your work. My sister worked longer hours than me and we all expected her to help less but we did sometimes find it annoying. All I see is one argument where your dad was out of line and you reacted in petty fashion. You're an adult and are free to make that choice but you can also deal with your problems like an adult. If there is a long history of verbal abuse and an unhappy childhood etc, fine, discount all of this. If this is just regular occasional family issues you are throwing your family away to score spite points
She should of replied 'and I can make you dead if I want to, suck a d**k b***h'.
I hope that our society can develop communication skills that keep this cancel culture from occurring. IMO, It's wrong to cause your family this level of distress over a disagreement about housework. You're an adult, and you are able to take responsibility for working through these difficulties even if your parents don't have those skills. It's not easy or "comfortable" to have difficult conversations, but the result in terms of kindness and strong long-term relationships is worth it.
cancel culture is when move out when parents threaten you with homelessness
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I don't think you're wrong for leaving, as an adult, is your decision where & how you live. But.... no contact with your family?? Purposefully making them worry?? Sounds a little like punishment & retaliation. And if that's what you want, then by all means, go ahead. But it doesn't sound like you're that kind of person. If your goal is to be out of their house & independent, well do e! Now maybe try to mend the relationship while keeping your distance. You'll feel better about it when you do.
I'm sure this isn't the first time they have treated her this way. They said she would probably never get a job and will live at home forever while threatening to make her homeless and she's the one that needs to apologize ? What planet do you live on that they deserve an apology. She's an adult and moved out and owes them nothing. She is a hard working young woman that will be graduating in a few months from college and works part time and has an internship as well. They should be singing her praises instead they are pissed that she chooses to take a shower before emptying the dishwasher and she has to apologize ? I would never apologize.
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Definitely the AH. Not because she left, but because she didn't let anyone know about it (even after the fact). Was the Dad wrong? Yup. Was she right to leave? Sure, she's an adult she can do what she wants. But the AH part is not letting family know that you are alive. Being vindictive is what makes you the AH. Leaving a note would have taken literally 1 or 2 minutes and then you are out.
You are so wrong. This definitely wasn't the first time she was treated like dirt. They threatened to make her homeless so she left. They didn't care about how they made her feel so why should she care about how they feel. They owe her a huge apology but sometimes it's to little to late. They are her parents and should love her unconditionally and be proud of what she is accomplished thus far and instead they treat her like crap and she's the AH ? Not in this lifetime.
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There's two sides to every story. I wonder what the parents point of view is on the situation. Your an adult,so I don't blame you for leaving. Word's are hurtful. And they could have talked to you better. But this is deeper. It seems like your getting them back now, but in the end you will be regretful to a certain extent. Heal it before they don't care that your gone anymore too. Then go out there and live your adult life in peace and not anger. Anger will only poison your life not there's. They will go on living !! Good luck to you and I hope you mend the bridge.
If you think about this situation, there's nothing normal here. There's lots of history here we're probably never going to know about. What parent tells a hard working child they aren't doing enough around the house? She's barely there. She was helping. If they wanted more help or something specific they could have sat down with her and discussed it. Instead they escalated it to threatening to kick her out, apparently not the first time either. She responded in kind. She could have left a note or texted them. I'd be willing to bet if we knew the whole story of her life, we wouldn't blame her for not doing that. Sometimes bio or step parents zero in on one child and not the other for abusive behavior. We generally read about the kid that has died from that situation. Thankfully this young woman is out on her own terms. I hope she becomes as successful as she desires to be and lives a wonderful life. Hopefully the other daughter gets out too. She's in a bad situation too
Load More Replies... ESH. You dad was an AH for not acknowledging your contributions to the household, but you're an AH for splitting and blocking them without an explanation. Be an adult and take responsibility for your actions.
I will say: moving out was a good idea. Going no contact was a good idea. But doing it in the middle.of the night, and not letting them know is just passive aggressive BS. Tell them you are done with their s**t, and be done with it. Don't lower yourself to their level. Not telling her friends, for whatever reason, really not okay. One of my uncles did this, recently. He was widowed and living with his son and DIL, who had relapsed back into drug abuse. He was trying to give stability to his grandkids, but once CPS roved them, his life became hellish. So he took off and no one knew where he was for a week. (Also living in his car.) One of my aunts was in touch with the cops daily. Family were putting out FB posts asking people to look for him. Another uncle had been through two deaths - his wife and his only son- in the space of 6 months. Then the brother he was closest to was who knew where. He was frantic. It was awful for everyone. You don't have the right to put people through that because you've had it with someone. Stay in touch with the people who care about you. They can block numbers and decline phone calls if they have to.
Let me understand. They paid your rent, medical, college, and utilities for 21 some years and you thank them by breaking off all contact? You mean you were never ungrateful or never yelled at them and now you want repay all that by punishing them because you didn’t like their attitude???
As a parent myself both parties are at fault as far as I can see. The father should of never said or acted like he did. The daughter taking a false threat to heart did what she did. First off I'm totally in her court and on her side. I don't have any issue with what she did initially bc frankly her dad was being a d$#k. She was obviously trying to do her best even when completely busy and adulting. That said she shouldn't also leave her parents completely out of the loop. Like I said as a parent myself they are probably worried sick about their daughter and probably regret what was said or done. And even if they are not there is nothing wrong with letting them know she was ok etc etc. Heck my daughter and I just had a phone call that ranged from yelling and bitching to crying and laughing. Hate how everyone acts like life is so black and white. She made a gut reaction to get back at her parents over what we all know at least was one Convo. That's an overreaction. Word restrictions suck
She made it clear that the verbal abuse was a long-term issue. It wasn't just "one" argument. What parent would tell their hard working child that they will amount to nothing? They should be proud of her!
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You are solo not the as hat....when you are doing yourself the best thing for YOURSELF and get emotionally abused by it YOU have to do what is best and safe for YOU!!! I kinda did the same thing....my mom threatened to throw me out the house...great...( I was 17 ) .... I rented a U Haul....moved upstairs from my dad in a duplex... But he knew how bipolar and toxic my mother can be...I paid him rent...was working 2 part time jobs ( I was still in high school!! ) and when mother figured out I was gone gone...took a week....she flipped out...this was before decent cell phones...and GPS etc... So I did call her...let her know I was alive...and to this day 28 yrs later i still did what was best....fortunately I finally got a career that I'm in love with and no longer have to work 2-4 different part time jobs.... I would really like to know how thing's are w/you now.... But if I don't God's speed and Good for YOU!!!
You spoiled brat. One day you will realize what you have done to your parents. When you have kids ( if you ever do considering running away is your answer) think about how you would feel if your kids did that to you. Stop being a spoiled entitled brat and call your parents and make up. You owe it to them.
I don't think many of you have children. Yes you work hard and you study and yes you have a lot going on but your parents asking you to help around the house is not verbal abuse. Your dad pointing out that he can make you homeless, nothing i would say, but your response to that is immature and cruel. I hope, as a parent, i never have to wonder if my child is ok and why she didn't come home in the night. Especially because there was no real fight, you just disappeared in the night.
Idk about you but, threatening to make her homeless, telling her to "shut up" when she gives an example of helping, being very unappreciative of the chores she does do, etc is abuse. No one claims that asking her to do chores is abuse, the completely other things was abuse tho.
Load More Replies... Everyone is an arsehole. Your parents are arseholes for treating you like that and you definitely should stand up for yourself but you are behaving like a child and coward. Instead of telling them you have left, you are "punishing" them by intentionally making them worry about you.
YTA. Am I missing information? So, yes, the Dad was an ass, but why on earth would somebody leave like that?? It is icredibly dramaqueenish and selfish towards the rest of the family. Move out, sure, but for Godssake, who ghosts their whole family over this? I had fights like this with may parents a lot. I move out and we rebilt a great relationship that lasted decades. Very childish and self-centred behaviour, imo.
I also had the thought that some things were left out. She says it started with her saying she took out the trash and ended up with him saying he could make her homeless. She doesn't say what transpired in between. While his words weren't the most charitable, she didn't has he threatened her physically or called her names. I've seen real abuse this while not kind isn't exactly at the level of emotional abuse.
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ESH. Your parents for threatening you and you for running away like a teenager. I don’t blame you for leaving but there was no need not to tell them you are leaving. What about your sister and other family members? Are you just going to let them think you disappeared? A simple “Judging from what you said, you don’t want me here. Fair enough, I’m an adult so I am moving out. Goodbye.” would be fine. That is, if your goal is to move out vs punishing your family.
I understand her being upset and deciding to leave, but the way she did it was immature. Her father was also immature to threaten her with homelessness. She could have talked to him about this more the next day and told him that she had decided to move out, and then just done it.
The parents f'd up. Everyone does. No one's family is perfect esp mine. But they are still your parents who deserve to know the truth as well as the truth of who you are and how committed you are for sticking to standing on your own two. That's it. No one's saying you gotta go back but you are their child still and though they treated you bad it is within your power to hold the key of forgiveness in order to forget them. They won't forget you however, but that's ok because as long as the forgiveness is there the opportunity for growth, change is there for them to see the errors of their ways and come around when you least expect it.
ETA, she should have told them she’s ok to begin with. Block them after that if you want to but it was too much to just leave without saying a word and not letting them know if you’re dead or alive.
OMG you use your parents home like a stop and drop motel. You catch your dad on a bad nite where he is stretching for a little appreciation...doesnt phrase it just right to your sensitive ears...and like an emotionally stunted teenager...you are going to "show" them!! Yes, yes you ARE the AH.
ah yes, moving out after your parents threaten you with homelessness is definitely treating them like a motel, sure
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Awe! Poor adult child living for free under your parents roof. You are NOW a victim of mental abuse. WTF? Grow up! When you have a home and family of your own you HAVE to work, pay bills, support and raise your children, cook, clean and whatever else. You're an able bodied adult living for free! Do the damn chores and STFU! Who paid for your education? Did you pay your parents rent? You sound like a spoiled brat who looks to the internet for justification of your childish behavior. Your are NOT a victim. I'd love to hear your parents side of the story.
Sounds like the a*****e to me. Once she lives for a while paying her own way and dealing with flatmates she will realise this. Of course as an adult she is free to leave, that's not the problem, it's the childish huff she left in.
Yep, sad when someone takes care of you for so long, then you abandon them at the first sign of knowing it all. Sounds like the typical exaggerated story. She will never have it so easy again
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Who in their right mind is STILL living with their parents in the family home when they are 23???
Or in other words, IF you still live with your parents in their house, it is their rules, Not yours. Stop complaining.
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If your friends cannot understand why you left home & blocked your family contacting you…they are not real friends. . . You are NOT the AH for leaving like that; frankly, why wasn’t it sooner? (Tho I understand having to try making the best of bad situation there, to reach your goals). . But..,you MIGHT be an AH, for not even sending a “Sayonara” message or email, before blocking them. . & what about your younger sister?..bet she gets plenty of similar from the folks…maybe keep Cautious contact w/her, but still not telling them where you are. . You are very correct to leave that dangerous household!
People sometimes say things they don't mean. For God's sake these are your parents. What the hells wring with you to not even let them know you are ok? You are 23 years old , you didn't need to be living at home anyway . But to disown family is ignorant on your behalf. No you don't have to live with them but they gave you a roof over your head for 23 years and you can't give them the respect of letting them know you are ok. I dont understand people in this age group , where family means nothing at all to them. Someday you'll regret what you have done , but sadly it'll be to late.
Her family treated her as if SHE didn't mean anything at all! You've got it backwards.
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What a childish melt down! And talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face! I can only hope that this child (and i use that word deliberately), moves home or finds an adult to take her in before her unsafe living arrangements results in her assault or death. And there are people egging her on? what's wrong with people?
A "childish meltdown" over what she has made clear has been a long term pattern of abuse? She left before they could throw her out. At least this way she got to pack some stuff. No guarantee they would have let her in the heat of the moment. I get that there are safety concerns, hopefully her college can give her guidance on a shelter she can go to.
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The internet is a stupid place, go home and respect your parents. Try and make them understand you are doing your best to help.
When you're 23.. it's time to do you're part :p not that long ago, people bought houses at that age, got married and have children.. she is still to lazy do help her parents who still provide her a roof over her head :p if anything, she is spoiled for to long, not abused
Depends on how much the parents work. If they both work 10 hours a day, I get that they want her to do household tasks too. If they work less, they should shut up, unless she doesn't have to work extra, but does it to save money for herself and expects them to keep everything clean.
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They didn't seem so worried about that safety when they threatened to be the ones to MAKE her homeless because she dared to try to communicate with them. Seems most of the people defending the parents here see it reasonable to throw threats at their children to get them to shut up instead of just communicating simply because you happen to be the one who owns the house yet can't take the emotional burden of them leaving your a**es and cutting you off afterwards. Lol just wanna be able to throw that s*** around without any consequence because "family". Give me a break.
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Who cares about being an Ahole to someone who's emotionally abusing you. I don't give a **** if it's your dad, your mom, or anyone else else in your family. If you aren't treated with humanity, the "be an adult and take responsibility" argument is pathetic. Being an adult doesn't mean taking punches to the face and being cool about it, that's how manipulative people maintain power over you. Being an adult means taking responsibility for your own life and taking the steps to get yourself out of a situation like that however it's done. Block em, and leave them hanging for as long as you want. That's the price a parent must pay for treating their kids like ****. If I treat my daughter with such disrespect and she does that to me, I deserve it, and that's why I'm never going to treat her in a way where she thinks that of me. Good on you for standing up for yourself.
Thank you you said what I was thinking! UPVOTE FOR YOU!!
Load More Replies... Any parent that tells their hard-working college student that 1) they aren't doing anything around the house 2) they could kick them out and 3) they will never get a job and will live with them forever don't deserve to have contact. I probably have left a note but they couldn't be helpful your self-esteem with their negativity.
Ill bet that house is very unorganized, messy, etc., otherwise, why rely so heavily on a kid in college with 2 jobs. What do each of the parents do with chores, what about the other siblings. The treatment this child endured is in fact, worthy of child protective services if there's younger siblings in the house & no kid deserves this. OP is an adult thank God, she got out in time.
Load More Replies... I don't know how she stayed until 23. I was out as soon as I could make that happen. My first apartment was a '73 Pinto hatchback. That said - the parents are concerned and it isn't hard for OP to let them know she's safe. You don't have to burn every bridge just because you crossed it.
Bridges are set on fire by the abuser. There comes a time when the abuser runs out of bridge.
Load More Replies... Ahole for the way she did it. Completely understandable to want to leave and get away, but at 23 she is an adult and should be dealing with it like an adult. Running away in the night without telling anyone after an argument and refusing to acknowledge or respond to them is like something a teenager would do to "punish" their parents after a fight by making them worry. Just tell them you are leaving and go, no need for the drama
Particularly if the plan is to go back, eventually. Then It's essentially attempting to punish them. Is she does not return and really does cut them out of her life, that is her prerogative..
Load More Replies... Your dad made a whole federal case out of you wanting to take a shower before emptying the dishwasher; like, who does that?? He flat-out KNEW that you have been working from morning to night, and he wanted to start a fight over a relatively minor issue?? And threaten to kick to you out over THAT?? You simply decided to be proactive by leaving under cover of darkness, thus saving him the trouble. NOW they're concerned when they found you gone and don't know where you are! You already let them know that you're OK via friends but not coming back. So unless parents swallow their pride and apologize, you don't have to talk to them. NTA!
Manipulative and abusive parenting. the worst kind... His fat ass owns the house his fat ass owns the dishes his fat ass does not own the adult child any longer... She should have told his dumbass to get up and do the f*****g dishes on his own and to stop being a lazy abusive manipulative piece of s**t!
Load More Replies... Damn! That takes some guts! But I hope she finds a safer place to stay than her car... Couch-surfing?
Maybe she doesn't have friends like that. Not saying she is unfriendly but if she is seriously about her education she may have forgone casual friendships especially with the who world going sidewise for the last few years
Load More Replies... I havent spoken to my sperm donor in a decade, the streak was ruined by my brother who decided to put us in the same proximity recently. He told me my yard could do with some maintenance. After a decade. He wanted to tell me how I'm f*****g up my yard. Just because they birthed you, does not mean your family is actually "Family". Going NC with anyone toxic is healthy for you. 100% NTA
I'm sorry I'm a little confused is the sperm donor your ex or your father??
Load More Replies... If you had been abducted and murdered instead of moved out. Would you WANT them to look for you. It sounds like a lot of over reacting on both sides. There were complaints, apparently, that reached his ears, or possibly the helping was un-observed. Is trying for more fairness on both sides, worth it? Is sleeping in your car worth it? Is scaring your family worth it? Is cutting off all communication, worth it? And all of this, is over some dishes done or undone or garbage taken out or not? If your father was mistaken, is it worth the relationship to try again, to help understanding happen? 100 years from now, will this problem matter? If not it should not matter now, in the big scheme of things. Are you making it bigger than it needs to be?
If her parents actually cared they would not have threatened to kick her out on the street where she would 100% still not be any safer. That's not parenting that's being an ahole.
Load More Replies... Not an AH to her parents but definitely being one to herself. With college, a pt job and an internship she needs help. Go to a shelter and ask them to help her figure out what she most needs. A place to sleep definitely. College? Maybe not full time… I went from full time to part time to finish my degree and it only took me an extra 2 years, not much in the grand scheme of things. Job? Yes, but an unpaid internship? Get help and stop punishing yourself.
She's in the middle of her last classes. She needs to finish, not drag it out. Check with the college - they'll have resources for homeless students. Also check with churches - a member might be willing to house her temporarily, even if it's a week at this house, a week at that.
Load More Replies... NTA. Your dad and mom wanted to make you homeless but when you leave on your own will, they want to speak to you and make sure your okay, you owned them no explanation they didn't appreciate your help either tbh i would do the same thing.
And I guarantee you the moment she contacted her abusive ass parents the first words out of their stupid mouths is going to be how she f****d up... Parents like that don't deserve the kids they have especially if they grow up to be better f*****g people than they were......
Load More Replies... Jus a view from an older man,,I'm 62 and my kids are grown and loveing their lives but parents and kids argue and fuss at each other and we all say things that we wish we would not of said,,,,now on another note you sound like you are a very independent young woman trying to kick start and get your life going and for that kiddos to you,,just remember young lady it's a rough world out there and you have to be CAREFUL were you sleep and stay.you know your parents love you very much are they would not be searching for you.you will understand the worries a parent goes thru down the road when you have children if that's is your plan,,a parents love and worries of their children is a bond that is unexplainable,,so just apiece of advice just let them know your safe,,as far as leaving the house in an angry move kids have done that for years and years and made good...to sum this up you sound like you are ready to head out and make your mark in the world and good for you and good luck .just be
I'm a parent of two boys, and if I know for a FACT that I would be worried if I didn't know where they were in the middle of the night and they were just out wandering the street with nowhere to go or no idea where they're going to go, I wouldn't be the one to put them there! If I didn't want my kids out in the streets, I don't threaten to put them out! It's really that simple! Don't tell this girl that her parents love her after they threatened to put her out and she's a GRAD STUDENT (probably with no criminal record) and she's an intern and she works a part-time job. She's that accomplished and that self-driven and THAT'S how they speak to her? She's doing all THAT for herself, and they're mad every time they don't see her washing a dish or wiping a window? Does that sound right to you? They don't love her, they're probably jealous of her! All parents aren't like you, remember that!
Load More Replies... If your parents threaten to make you homeless.. they don't deserve to know where you go or how you are. By leaving on your own you took control of a situation that could of left you homeless and with less time to have packed. Would they have expected you to keep in touch and keep them know what alley you were parked in if it had been that way? Don't think so.
Good for her. Just because they are your family doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life. Abuse is abuse. My family was the exact same way. I haven’t spoken to my dad since 1997, spoken to my little sister since 2010, my older half-sister since 2002, and the rest of my family since 2014. I used to be an alcoholic because of the abuse I had to endure with my family. Once I cut off contact with all of them I stopped drinking. It was like the air was let back into my lungs. I couldn’t believe how wonderful and free I felt. Good for you girl! don’t go back, don’t look behind you! what you did took an immense amount of courage and I don’t know you but I am absolutely proud of you. Keep looking forward, never look back and you will succeed In everything that you want in life.
Isn't it funny how that whole alcoholic abuse cycle works the alcohol is a crutch because the abusers don't give up and the moment you cut them off and get rid of them you no longer need the f*****g alcohol!! Honestly alcohol is a scourge of the Earth but so are abusers....
Load More Replies... You took control of a situation that could of been ugly... for example being kicked out with no time to pack what you need. I'd ghost them too.
Yep me too and I would have been even more Petty about it I'm 41 years old and I'm having arguments with my 60 something year old father because he seems to still think I'm stupid.... And I pretty much decided to stop bothering with it as well... Because there comes a point in time where you just can't argue with a boulder anymore... You can't change the mind of a brick wall... So yes the best thing you can do is take control of the situation put it all in your hands and then smash the gas be gone and let them worry about it!
Load More Replies... NTA. I had a similar fight with my father. My parents divorced when I was 17. After graduating high school, I got a full time job as a receptionist and was going to night school to be an accountant. My father was well aware of this. It did not stop him from complaining that the house was not being vacuumed, dishes were piling up, trash wasn't being taken out. I told him Do you see me in the morning before I leave? "No" That's because I'm gone before you are. Do you see me in the evening when I come home? "No" That's because I'm out late at school. And given the fact that I eat all three of my meals away from the house, who is dirtying the dishes and creating the trash? "Oh.." Sounds like you have more time for this than I do. Not only did he start doing stuff on his own...he actually would get up early and make sure I had breakfast before I walked out the door. Sorry your Dad wasn't as understanding.
OP made her choice. Clearly the parents didn't want her around anymore. I hope she's still on good terms with her sister, though. If you're going to tell the police to disregard a possible future missing person report, make sure to specify ONLY reports from the family and it doesn't apply to friends or colleagues. A young woman (especially one living in her car) can very easily be a target. Make sure you check in with your friends regularly and tell someone you trust where you're going to be
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Load More Replies... I did similar. Must say, good on you. I wasted my childhood and especially teen years. Focused solely on school (largely to not think about the abuse and to fantasize about being rich and independent and emancipated). I was babysitting so constantly i went to online school in part to escape stalker no one would help me with until he fulfilled his rape threats, and in large part to be available 24/7 for babysitting the babies too young for school and the other kids when out of school. No pay. No ability to work and make money. No recognition. Despite me cleaning the whole house nearly every day (and screamed at and grounded from the Internet/school for at least a month if I didn't get everything good enough for their tastes even once in a week). No appreciation. Declarations i don't do anything, am lazy, cost too much money... So i left. Over 5 years later my mother and aunt are still trying to convince me to move back to OKC at least. I'm done with toxic, entitled, abusive parents.
I left in college. My mother manipulated me into taking out a student loan, since she had too much debt and wasnt even allowed to borrow from her sister anymore. She convinced me she really just needed to fix her car and i need transportation for school anyway so really the loan is for me even if she's the one using it. But the day the loan came in, she violently removed me from said vehicle on or way to school, making memiss all my tests that day. because she didn't like when I corrected her smug platitudes with material from school. (Ironically her position was free speech for Nazis cause "just cause I don't like what they say doesn't mean they should have even social consequences [rejection of group from school for kkk] for saying it" but you know not applicable to 20 year olds you supposedly love. I drafted up a contract that would require i actually have reliable transportation to school. Also terms for her paying me back. She didn't even let me get 3 words out to preamble it.
Load More Replies... As a parent of five grown women I could never imagine causing them to not be comfortable in their home. I say their home because if I am there not only my daughters but family is at home. A house is sticks and bricks but a home is a connection of much more. I would never want to be treated in that manner and could not do this to someone I love.
I'm honestly surprised the OP didn't leave sooner. Sounds like the parents favor the baby sister anyway
If nothing else in life, I've learned there are two sides to every story and if you only hear one side tell it you can be fooled to buy into it. I was a hard headed young adult as well and had my sob story to tell friends. Later in life, I got to experience the other side of that coin. The one thing I remember most is that the only ones that came to aid me in a couple of rough patches at age 35 were my parents.
I also left home at 17 when the situation became more than I could bear, and I have never regretted my decision, but I didn't burn any bridges (not throwing shade on OP for doing so). Family dynamics are tricky even in healthy families, and I wouldn't presume to know the answers for OP in this situation. I think it's really brave to move out without having a place to go, and I hope she can ask for help from her school, or a shelter, or maybe find a cheap room for the next few months until she graduates. What I did, after I left, was mail a letter to my mother, telling her I was fine, I was comfortable with my decision to leave, and telling her I would eventually be in touch, and not to look for me. Several years later, I reopened communications, and though we were never close, I did have a relationship with her, and the rest of the family.
Something super similar happened to me. My mom kicked me out while drunk. I didn't have a car. But, I stayed at a friend's couch for 2 weeks. Then got a super tiny studio. While my mom was calling me and calling. Come back. And I was like FU. With a part time. It was really hard. But, I got thru it. You will too. Stand up for yourself and you did. You should be super proud of yourself.
My dad was getting married and asked me to get rid of my dog because his new wife didn't like dogs. I did and she proceeded to be awful to me. I figured she came from a tough situation and I tried to point out what I did ss a gesture of support.. she turned around and told me my dog was a runt. So I started yelling f**k you at the top of my lungs. Not only did my dad call me a liar when I said what Trudy called my dog, he kicked me out that night, literally two weeks after giving my dog away. Till he died he called my every birthday blaming my mom for not telling him where I was. I saw him before he died and all he did was brag about all the stuff he had. I made my peace... with myself.. cutting them off was definitely the best decision I ever made.
I wish I knew the OP so she could live with me and be safe. I had the same type of parents and its awful. I'm still trying to unpack and correct all the damage even after almost 30yrs. Its seriously a never ending internal struggle to reprogram my thoughts from years of abuse. All the best to the OP and please stay safe. If you have to sleep in your car please try to stay in an emergency room parking lot, a police station lot or even a friends driveway.
The thing that gets me is that when the dad asked what she has done lately to help out, after accusing her of never doing anything, he acts exactly like someone who knows they’re too far down that road to turn back and they double down after she gives a relevant and perfectly legit example of something she’s done. Dad: Prove it! Daughter: *proves it* Dad: You better stop getting smart with me! I can make you homeless, you know! Classic boomer parent behaviour.
Going to college is a job. It requires much work, and, on top of studying, she is also working a paid job and doing an internship for work experience. Her parents should be proud of her, but instead tell her she won’t amount to anything. They are the assholes in this instance, but a note should have left before she moved out. Why? Because now her parents are receiving the sympathy.
NTA. What parents threaten to make their own child homeless?! Monsters. You did right. F**k them. What did they expect? Also, f**k your friend who told you you should not make them worried. How about they don't emotionally abuse you?! I am sorry you have to live in your car but I am happy you got away.
So - this is pretty much what happened to me. Moved out almost the same age too. Only difference is that my parents, (mother, mostly) threatened to abandon me since I was around 9 years old. For all of you who are about to say "oh but she was just joking" or... "Well, people say dumb things out of anger" - stop. No, she was serious and would remind me regularly and consistently that I was a drain on her life and how much better everything would be if she had given me up or never had me. At 23/24 I was working and the whole "We own you because you live here" attitude skyrocketed, and there was the added "Since you're such an adult, you need to pay for upkeep of the house" - but they would still 'own' me. So I moved out after looking for a place on my own... and then I was this ungrateful, disappointment for 'abandoning' them... so they didn't talk to me - until they needed me for something.
Let the local police know that you are not a missing person and you are safe. I would go buy camping equipment and get a tent spot at a campground at least. They're cheap and have showers and bathrooms. Then just save every penny you can and get your own place. You can also use the campground address for mail usually and a home address for jobs. You can also apply for public aid so you have money for food and medical insurance.
Definitely NTA. My parents threatened to put me in a women's shelter. I told them I'd move half way across the country before I let them do that, and then I did without telling them I was leaving. Sis and friends were already loaded to respond that I was safe and would call on my own terms. NJ to TX and never looked back, best decision I ever made. I called a week after I left.
NTA you are what so many GOOD parents want. Your going to school and working. If you were on your tush all day,doing nothing, then I'd say something..As a parent I'm proud of you. I was on my own at 13 yrs old and learned alot of things THE HARD WAY. Stay strong and your blessings will come
Damn.. this is literally the exact same thing I'm going thru rn except it's just me and my dad, I work and have an expedited college program where I finish terms every three months and jump into new ones right after, no break for summer. I've been taking care of my dad's cat after she almost died from pyometra and he doesn't give a f**k. I wish I could leave but I have too much stuff. I tried getting my friend to lemme stay but she says there's stuff she has going on and I get that, but it's hard cuz not only does he berate me, he makes uncomfortable remarks to me asw.
Stay strong, Chay! Don't hesitate to get counseling if things get too rough. Everyone needs help sometimes.
Load More Replies... All I heard from my stepmom when I was growing up was how she couldn't wait until I was 18 + she could kick me out of the house. Guess what, woman: my dad was my dad wayyyyy before he was your husband! (she hated that one!)
NTA for leaving, kind of a small AH for not at least letting your family know you're safe.
I had just gotten home from Desert Storm and came out as gay. My parents disowned me. I guess being gay trumped being a decorated combat vet. I was couch surfing in Chicago and things weren't working out and I was close to being homeless. I called my dad to ask if I could move home for a few months (my three siblings moved in and out of the house multiple times) and he said no. I told him it was January in Chicago and I was about to be homeless. He hung up on me. I found a place to live. Months later they began verbally abusing me by leaving anti-gay, homophobic messages on my machine. Calling me evil, a pedophile, brainwashed. Then they tried to force me into conversion therapy. I cancelled my number and got a private one. They were assholes to me the rest of my life. I never once took a dime from them either. So parents like that can go f**k themselves.
Just unbelievably awful Mr Jones. I'm straight but my upbringing was similar due to my parents' religion. We were estranged most o my adult life- we talked here & there, but the unchristian christianity really stole the relationship. In the end they died really unhappy deaths. Didn't want what they had...still don't. You are a remarkably strong & adaptive person. Practice your own principles & Keep on Steppin'. Thank you for your service & sacrifice.
Load More Replies... NTA - sounds like an abusive controlling environment where her Dad wanted to use his power over her by threatening to make her homeless (who does that without what I would consider reasonable grounds such as drug use, bringing police to the door, being violent) i cut my own mother off two years ago for similar reasons, years ago her partner had lent me $600 for a deposit, I paid the money back but my mother thought all these years she was a guarantor on my apartment & after refusing contact with her for a year, she said she was going to speak to my landlord & remove herself as my guarantor & I quote good luck finding someone else to be that & was bathing in what she thought was payback by trying to make me lose my home, luckily I have a great relationship with my landlord & she never signed anything legal so had no grounds, my landlord was great & I’ve never missed a rent payment, so told my mum she wasn’t a guarantor. It revealed to me a whole new depth someone would sink too.
NTA, at age 23, it really does seem like she should get out on her own, but she also isn't really helping the situation by living in her car. At least let them know you are okay. But leave it at that if you don't want any more contact. Then, find someplace safer to stay. The one way you'll prove yourself to them, and more importantly, to yourself, is to thrive on your own.
I'm 51 left home at 16 continued on to graduate high school not a GED even though I live almost an hour away from my high school and didn't have a car at the time. By the time I was 17 I was taking care of my five younger brothers with zero help. Never went back home and never spoke to my grandmother again. I was adopted by my grandparents and my grandfather who was my everything died when I was 13. My grandmother was abusive mentally and physically but my grandfather whom to me is my dad didn't know as he worked offshore. He found out about the abuse and was making plans to leave and take me with him when he was told he had cancer and died 21 years later. After that the abuse got worse. The day I left my sister,her husband and my three year old niece who I cared for since the day she was born saw my grandmother try to strangle me with a telephone cord after she accused me of lying and my sister and I proved I wasn't. I pushed her off,walked out of the door and that was it.
Good for you. I am glad you took care of yourself.
Load More Replies... f**k them, you owe them nothing, now you can get on with a better life without them.
OP is a scapegoat in a narcissistic family and while her sister might be the golden child right now, this OP has the best chance in this toxic family to succeed in life through hard work, humility and perseverance. I’m so glad to see the support she was given through the Reddit community! I hope she cuts contact and stays that way. I wasted many years of life trying to prove my original family wrong about me and it only fanned the flames of their rage and jealousy. I hope she surrounds herself with people who truly love her and wants her to succeed and creates the life she deserves.
I don't see what else you could do but get out, but send them a letter (no return adress of course) telling them, that you are safe. Also try to tell them why you don't want to come back or even se them again. Because you have a yonger sister, and maybe they will treat her better then.
Yeah, big man of the house. That's their trump card " I own this house". (even when they were acting like fidiots) So sorry your mom wasn't on your side. Not the a*****e. Not worrying about getting kicked to the curb and whether you done enough chores to avoid the barbs and insults from either parent. You don't need that kind of insecurity and abuse! My parents had the casual barbs occasionally about treating the house like a hotel but when I moved out they complained I hardly called. Seriously. Regret on their part? But it was never to the point of actually saying 'get out' so things could heal over time. This will take a long time to heal if it ever is going to. They did provide for you as a child so expect that change in dynamic later when you have to pay them back in kind if you choose to. Stay safe though.
We don't get to choose the families we're born into, unfortunately - and not everyone ends up with the Brady Bunch or Leave It to Beaver parents. We don't know the full story here, but it sounds like this is a pattern of emotional abuse by the parents, and I don't think the OP is the a**hole for leaving. She had a friend let them know she's safe but doesn't want contact. That's as far as she needs to go for now. I hope she truly is safe and finds a safe place to live soon.
As and adult, you have consider what is your "rent". If you're over 18 and still living at home you have to be aware of the "costs". There are always costs even if it just following the family rules on guests, locking up, late hours, dinner, etc. If she was no longer willing to pay that "rent" then fine. Her new "rent" is living in her car and showering at the gym. It might have been cool to leave a parting communication saying, "you wanted me out, well I'm gone." Just to let them know that she hadn't been taken or harmed. For me, I would have toughed it out until June or I found a job or room mate.
Wow. NTA. Hope you are doing ok right now. I ve been living with my parents and heard the same from her as you. I don't have the means to move out (I study full time two majors and work - but that doesn't coverage the amount of money that would be needed to find a place of my own and pay for health care and stuff) so I totally feel you and hope everything would work out great for you!
My parents, especially my father, continued to treat me like I was under their control when I'd come to visit them, long after I was an adult, married & had children. It was the main reason my son came to dislike his grandfather so much. My parents didn't believe in any adults but themselves.
Not a popular opinion, but YTA. People say stupid stuff when they are upset, at least have a conversation the day after and work it from there. My mom was hurting when she said stupid stuff to me, I could never do something like this to my family.
(some) Parents are the worse... Think you have NOWHERE to go? I did too, then I joined the military and I loved every miinute of it. Even bootcamp. Food, housing, money (not the best, but hey- better than nothing or homeless), and training for a real job. Just wish I went into computers or flight hardware, instead of medical.
Definitely NTA. I wish I could do what the OP did... My father has never threatened to kick me out over not helping out to my face, but I do know that he throws temper tantrums to my mom about it. Then he gets angry at her because she semi-stands up for me and says that we could all stand to do more. My father wants me to be his maid, and it would be one thing if I was healthy. I'm not. I had to move back in with them when I became disabled and couldn't rely on disability insurance to reliably pay so I could cover rent. I don't know if it's that he doesn't see me struggling because I've gotten better at managing my condition (so he forgets anything is wrong) or if since he's also sick, his sickness trumps everything else. I refuse to cause myself pain keeping the house clean while he sits around on a computer or stays in bed. I'm grateful I have this safety net, but it's hard living with him. People who have good relationships with family just don't get it.
I learned much later in life that some family members are so toxic that you must cut them off to protect yourself. I wasn't close to my youngest brother or older sister, but I only really found out what they were really like when my Mom went into assisted living. That's when, as her executor and trustee, I found out that they hadn't even waited for her to die before grabbing everything that wasn't nailed down. Meanwhile they ignored her as a person--didn't visit. My brother sued to take over as trustee. After he went to her live-in facility to try to gather evidence, they told me about the visit and commented that they didn't even know I had a brother.
I'm glad everyone's saying NTA. This is what pisses me off about people who have had ideal childhoods. They're totally inept and unempathetic. You know what was wrong? For the father, part of whom brought this woman into the world, to threaten to kick his daughter out. For the mother, the other of whom brought this woman into the world, to not do anything, or even side with the idiot who was in the wrong. The ONLY reason they act concerned is because they aren't the ones who kicked her out, and they didn't get the last say. That's not love. That's contempt. And they can shove it.
This is awesome, too many times daughters tend to buckle to parents overbearing bs. It's great to see one stand up for herself, and I understand why she'd need others approval as the one best friend is talking her out of it. Going back home without proving them wrong will only validate their opinions and make things worse.
They were mean. But adult behavior does not include anything that could be confused with being kidnapped.
Good for you for getting out of a toxic situation. Living in your car ; however really isn't the safest bet. It could reflect in your work .I hope it doesn't. Check into your local woman's shelter ; also there could be help from your school. Don't hold anything back . Love to you from Wyoming.
This is exactly what I did. Even though I was homeless for nearly a decade which was a different kind of struggle, I felt so much better having left those toxic family members to fight amongst themselves. It’s unfortunate that so many family members must go through this as a way of self preservation.
My 9 siblings were either thrown out or left our parents on our own as teenager’s and we all grew up to have good lives and I’m sure a 23 year old grad student will be just fine. I do worry about her sleeping in a car because it can be very unsafe, not to mention how impractical it would be in bad weather. Hopefully she can find some friends or relatives to stay with.
Daughter should be proud--not PRIDEFUL but PROUD--of her accomplishments. Sounds like she's doing well. Dad is clearly infantile in many ways and likely very jealous. If he's been into drugs, etc, he's basically a narcissist. And perhaps he feels that she is NOT pulling her weight enough. Sister could help there. But WHERE is mom in all this drama??? Do both parents work and are truly tired?? Fully forthrightly, your parents are SERIOUSLY WORRIED and NEED to know that YOU'RE SAFE. Keeping control of them via the silent treatment, with your "I'll show YOU" behavior is mean. It's making them suffer. You cannot know this unless you are a parent. THAT seems more vindictive than demonstrative of adult dec ig soon making skills and TRUE maturity. Your father was wrong to threaten you with homelessness. He'd do well with therapy. And mom too perhaps. Perhaps you can find a way to talk with them, and all of you, incl. sister, reach an agreement with boundaries.
Sounds like these parents need to step back. This gal is working & going to school. She sounds as though she's handling her business & as an adult she has the right to make decisions with or without parental approval. 18 to 20- something's can be really irritating. I look at it as it's Nature's way of causing the parents to eject them from the cave- they're old enough to survive " in the Wild." It's how it should be LOL. I raised 5 & I didn't like every decision they made. I warned. I gave my observations. I then stepped back & didn't harp. We ALL make mistakes- it's how we learn. My children are all adults now & will actually consult me if they feel they need to...TA-DA!
This post made me feel better. At 18, I walked across the stage and got my degree, went home, packed a bag in the dress I graduated in and left. It pissed my parents off so bad that my dad went around town with a baseball bat threatening anyone that if they saw me and didn't tell him, he'd hurt them. I moved 500 miles away and sometimes I think it's not far enough. I worried that my actions were rash and I was in the wrong, but the more I grow as a person, the more I understand how abusive my family was and that my actions were completely and wholly justified.
What do these freaking people think is going to happen after they push and push and say the kind of s**t they do?! This kind of emotional abuse, especially against daughters, seems so damned common...like they think that there's no other alternative but to sit down, shut up, and take it. Well, joke's on them! The young woman is finishing her education, working hard, and is fiercely independent. I wish her the very best of luck!
They're assholes, no doubt. That you left is probably for the best for your own mental health. Still, the way you did it
Accidentally pressed enter. I was gonna say: the way you did it, isnt nice. Sure, leaving without telling, fine. But at least send them a message begore blocking them. We dont live in a safe world. You couldve had an accident, got kidnapped or worse.
Load More Replies... We're not getting the whole story here. And yes, moving out without telling anybody is a total a** move. I'd hazard a guess that threatening to throw somebody out is also because that person considers it to be the worst thing that could happen. Also an a** move, doesn't excuse it, but living in a car ("I'm safe", my foot) to spite your family is insane. Like I said, we don't the the whole story.
NTA personally if I was her after my dad said what hers did I simply would have said "OK DAD since u feel that way." And went packed my s**t right then and there called a trusted friend and asked if I could stay with them until I could find a place but just before leaving I would turn back to my dad and say "oh 2 things DAD one the chores weren't siss doing they were mine and if u don't believe me wait a couple days u will see and 2 don't contact me or try to find me for anything ever period." And turned and walked out and not looked back then block them and cut ties.
Sometimes you have to act to save your own sanity and stand up for what you honestly believe. When you feel more established and are in a better position, you may want to think about getting back in touch, but this time on your terms. The breathing space might make them see things differently. Speaking from experience.
My parents have never ever treated my siblings or I like this. When my financial situation became too rough at one point, they insisted that I move back in. After my car accident last year, they wanted me to stay with them for a few days. My sister recently moved back in with them because her seizures were getting worse and they have never mistreated her for this. Some people don't need to have children because they don't know how to treat them. She's not the a-hole, but she definitely needs to cut off the friend that called her one. She doesn't owe her parents a thing.
I feel like I can skip reading BoredPanda and just read Reddit now, so much is just ripped off from Reddit.
Can we talk about that picture of the dish washer? What is going on there?
This was like my dad. He would always yell at me about whatever and even tell me to move out. But when I'd actually hint that I was thinking about it, he'd manipulate me into not leaving. So when I finally did leave, I didn't tell them until after it was already decided so they couldn't manipulate me into staying.
ESH because ghosting your entire family like a bad date is not taking the moral high ground. Also, it sounds like dad was being kind of a d**k but it doesn't sound THAT out of the ordinary for a dad. It may be time to move out but this doesn't seem worth burning bridges over. Considering we are only getting one side of the story, it's quite possible that the OP is actually a bit lazy with chores, in which case reality is going to be a lot meaner than dad once they have to take care of everything themselves.
Good parents don't constantly tell their children that they will amount to nothing and threaten to throw them out over something utterly trivial. That's abuse.
Load More Replies... Dad is the a*****e and the daughter is an a*****e. Sometimes I argue with my family too, but I can't imagine the stress and panic if any member of it disappeared FOR DAYS after the argument. This is just cruel. People can do weird and dangerous things in such emotional situations. She should at least let the family know she is safe AT THE BEGINNING. Maybe her sister was worrying too?
Big hugs to everyone who left home early to escape abusive parents. I did that 50 years ago (!!!) and it was absolutely the right thing to do. Everyone I had pegged as an a**hole crashed & burned while I've loved almost every second I've been away from them. Love definitely wins.
As a parent to young adults, her dad was wrong. He isn’t looking at what she’s doing, he’s busy worrying about what he thinks she’s not doing. The younger sister could be working too. Comparing your kids to each other is big fat wrong thing to do! They’re individuals and have their own lives. She’s working hard to get somewhere and that’s amazing! She should reach out to her family though because tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. I had a stupid disagreement with one of my sisters over 15 years ago and the next day she was killed in a car accident, a hit and run, no one came forward. I don’t care how upset I am, I will apologize because I never want to experience that again. Dad, you were wrong to treat your daughter like that.
A family with poor comuication skills and toxic relationships habits, for sure, of which this passive aggressive "I gave you what you asked for now I want you to suffer" approach is a product. OP has some lessons to learn about how when you move out you have to do all the jobs around the house AND work, which will be a healthy learning experience. Sounds like it was best for everyone that she moves out. Cutting off family can be necessary but I suspect she will circle back to crafting a more mature relationship once she truly appreciates independent living and all the responsibilities that come with financially supporting, managing and mantaining a family home. These folks would all benefit form some counseling.
Agreed. They were both the a$%hat. Them for being douches her for Leaving without a word or a trace. Was it really for her own safety? I think not because her physicacality was not threatened. Her pride and honor were bruised. An unstable housing situation was the threat. She left without a note or a trace to hurt them and make them regret their words. She could have left a note saying their words hurt her and she finds it best to live elseware and until she is settledand less angry she is going to go radio silent, to please not reach out to her that texts and calls will go unanswered for the time being. That would be the adult thing. Or find a place within a short timeline communicate you are moving out and move out, don't place blame, don't argue, don't throw any hurt toward them don't do actions to make them feel sorry, possibly don't tell them your new address or don't invite them over, simply move on. Its very hard living with people that you can't legally be the boss of,.
Load More Replies... Some of the suggestions on here were stay with a friend try to live in the dorms look at the school there are a lot of situations where you'll rent a room in an apartment or rent a room in a house that usually are a lot cheaper options than dorms or staying with a friend
NTA. She did everything she could around the house and it wasn't good enough, while her sibling did nothing and sat on their rear end. OP works part time, had an internship, and is going to grad school. Dad threatened to makr her homeless so she called his bluff. Even told a friend she's safe where she is. She owes them nothing.
Well, I wouldn't say it's emotional abuse to ask for more help at home from a 23yo. She could have had a discussion about it pointing out she has two jobs and is in school etc and they could talk about some type of arrangement of what was reasonable housework. Or pay more in rent? It's not really ok to just run away and block every contact without having a discussion. She sort of owe them that.
Do you think her parents were unaware she was a grad student and had two jobs? She was barely home. The parents should have initiated a discussion if they weren't happy. That's what families do. Was she supposed to read their minds? This wasn't the first time he'd threatened to kick her out either. There's more to this story than this one event. I doubt she owes them anything. As parents/adults/humans they owed her some respect.
Load More Replies... Being an adult means confronting your problems not running away. You ran away and intentionally antagonized the situation by making them worry-and you knew they would. The proper and adult response would have been to indicate you’re leaving, indicate why, and leave. The fact that so many friends are on THEIR side according to your own words; when they know you personally leads me to believe the poster is in fact being dishonest about the situation in order to boost her morale on a half assed decision.
Not an a*****e, but definitely an idiot. What's the rush to go live in a car?
ESH. There is no need to make the parents worry. Just disappearing like had to be terrifying for the parents. People like OP are why police officers assume that missing persons just ran off. If she just let them know that she had left and was safe, then it would be NTA.
AH. Moving out ok, living in your car fine, blocking all contact was a little extreme but maybe you needed some time. Not telling anyone you left and safe before blocking them makes you an AH. It's petty retaliation, the least that could have been done was leave a note or send a text. Cause yeah I'd be filing a missing persons report if someone bailed like that.
Just don’t come home dead. My child left a very cushy home we still don’t know why at the age of 21 the first year it went well because she was an Emory graduate she was able to find work and she traveled across the country. But then she came home dead because what people don’t tell you when you become homeless and lose your car your mental health is extremely fragile and you will make very dumb decisions that may cost you your life. Meanwhile if you don’t wanna go home don’t but in the event you go home dead please take care of your own affairs
I might be in the minority but I think you could have left a note. I mean, no matter how things were, they were clearly worried enough to look for you and beg others to get your number or address. It's weird that people who treat you so badly seem to care so much when you're gone. Until you have kids you won't know what it's like to not know if they're okay. A note saying 'Since I'm useless to you and I don't want to be treated this way anymore, I've moved. Here's my forwarding address. thank you" would have worked. You're a grown woman living rent free at 23 yrs old, which is a privilege. You are not being held hostage- you can leave any time if things are so ongoingly bad. Also, why not be a grown up and talk to your parents about it? You posted on social media, so go to them and say everything you said here. That way it doesn't have to be a drama involving everyone else in your life. I just feel like you're someone who's acting like she didn't have any other options when you did.
Unpopular opinion - they are all immature AHs. It doesn't have to be abuse, people jump to conclusions when they don't know both sides of the story. What happened to having a conversation first, with explaining how someone's actions make you feel? No parent is perfect, and they do the best they know, sometimes their best is terrible, but try and understand their motives before you judge their actions.
She should call them just to hear what they have to say. Maybe they'll be truly sorry, or maybe they'll act like tyrants again, in which case, cut them out of her life. I get that she's pissed, and likely just being stubborn, but I would make that one call, just to see which way it goes.
In my opinion she was an a*****e, but not the only one. She left without a word and blocked them - they were totally wrong for treating her like that, but in their minds she might as well be dead. NEVER go no contact all of the sudden like that, give them a heads up or a last message stating that you will do so at the very least. Apart from that, i would probably also have ditched the family, but I wouldn't live in my car though, I would have found a friend or an AirBnb or something.
I don't think there is enough information to say either way. Telling your parents you've moved out and don't want to communicate with them anymore is the least they could do. People say things all the time that they don't mean..we don't know that her mom or dad didn't just say to move out once or twice.. there isn't enough information to give an informed opinion beyond at least saying what is going on.
I don’t blame you for leaving and cutting off contact but do let them know you’re ok. They’re probably frantic with worry. But make them understand that you left because of their behavior. Abusive people need victims to abuse. I cut my abusive sister off completely for 2 years but never told her the reason. When we reconnected, because I never spoke up, the abuse continued. You have to let them you how you feel. That being said, there’s nothing wrong with breaking away from family and cutting ties. You have to look after your own happiness and sometimes family members don’t let us be happy.
She's nta for leaving. But she needed to say something so her family knew she was okay! It's not that unusual for people to un-alive themselves after arguments. A simple message would have worked.
Lets keep in mind this is one side of the story. For all we know the parents pay for everything and ask in return that their adult children take care of the housework. Always get both sides of a story before rendering a verdict.
ESH - you were right to leave, no debate there, but to completely write them out if your life may have been too big of a reaction. Your parents should not have said the things they said (I imagine there was more said by your parents than shared). But to cut off all contact may prevent future attempts at reconciliation whatsoever, and there may be events in which you want their involvement. Just typing out loud is all.
Unpopular opinion: we are hearing only one side of the story. The way she handles this is very immature. And 23 is quite old to still be living with your parents.
Funny, I'm 24 and still living with my parents. Idk, might have to do with it being difficult to get a job that will pay you well enough to move out or maybe yknow, the fact that some people take their time and don't move out the instant they turn 18. But what do I know? I'm just living with my parents cuz I am disabled
Load More Replies... It used to be normal, that aduld children leave parents' house and live their own lives. No drama needed 🤷🏻♀️ I left my parents at 19, but we all have sense and sensibility and behave like adults so our relationship didn't break at all. Reaction of this young lady is too much dramatical for my taste a she deserves few weeks of camping in her car to understand the value of warm bed.
This person isn’t the a*****e. She is hurt by the biologicals, and the friend who got caught in the middle, by your biological. Their response is defensive but telling you to capitulate? If they don’t want to be involved don’t offer that advice. My advice is this. Family are the people who care not just in sunshine but rain as well. Friends are the ones who aren’t supposed pass judgement. (I have some experience with this). And to remember to include the phrase “self sufficient” and “moxie” on her CV. Solely achieved but achieved never the less. You need not explain yourself to anyone. A good friend would make room for her. I am here if she needs a shoulder! And if someone could additionally pass on this message “stand tall and with resolve against the storms, they won’t last forever, the sun is just catching up to her” *soft smile*
A little YTA though I wish we could know how much this is a pattern. Yes your parents perspective is wrong and skewed as they perceive your sisters availability to help more to be the greater good against your work. My sister worked longer hours than me and we all expected her to help less but we did sometimes find it annoying. All I see is one argument where your dad was out of line and you reacted in petty fashion. You're an adult and are free to make that choice but you can also deal with your problems like an adult. If there is a long history of verbal abuse and an unhappy childhood etc, fine, discount all of this. If this is just regular occasional family issues you are throwing your family away to score spite points
She should of replied 'and I can make you dead if I want to, suck a d**k b***h'.
I hope that our society can develop communication skills that keep this cancel culture from occurring. IMO, It's wrong to cause your family this level of distress over a disagreement about housework. You're an adult, and you are able to take responsibility for working through these difficulties even if your parents don't have those skills. It's not easy or "comfortable" to have difficult conversations, but the result in terms of kindness and strong long-term relationships is worth it.
cancel culture is when move out when parents threaten you with homelessness
Load More Replies... I don't think you're wrong for leaving, as an adult, is your decision where & how you live. But.... no contact with your family?? Purposefully making them worry?? Sounds a little like punishment & retaliation. And if that's what you want, then by all means, go ahead. But it doesn't sound like you're that kind of person. If your goal is to be out of their house & independent, well do e! Now maybe try to mend the relationship while keeping your distance. You'll feel better about it when you do.
I'm sure this isn't the first time they have treated her this way. They said she would probably never get a job and will live at home forever while threatening to make her homeless and she's the one that needs to apologize ? What planet do you live on that they deserve an apology. She's an adult and moved out and owes them nothing. She is a hard working young woman that will be graduating in a few months from college and works part time and has an internship as well. They should be singing her praises instead they are pissed that she chooses to take a shower before emptying the dishwasher and she has to apologize ? I would never apologize.
Load More Replies... Definitely the AH. Not because she left, but because she didn't let anyone know about it (even after the fact). Was the Dad wrong? Yup. Was she right to leave? Sure, she's an adult she can do what she wants. But the AH part is not letting family know that you are alive. Being vindictive is what makes you the AH. Leaving a note would have taken literally 1 or 2 minutes and then you are out.
You are so wrong. This definitely wasn't the first time she was treated like dirt. They threatened to make her homeless so she left. They didn't care about how they made her feel so why should she care about how they feel. They owe her a huge apology but sometimes it's to little to late. They are her parents and should love her unconditionally and be proud of what she is accomplished thus far and instead they treat her like crap and she's the AH ? Not in this lifetime.
Load More Replies... There's two sides to every story. I wonder what the parents point of view is on the situation. Your an adult,so I don't blame you for leaving. Word's are hurtful. And they could have talked to you better. But this is deeper. It seems like your getting them back now, but in the end you will be regretful to a certain extent. Heal it before they don't care that your gone anymore too. Then go out there and live your adult life in peace and not anger. Anger will only poison your life not there's. They will go on living !! Good luck to you and I hope you mend the bridge.
If you think about this situation, there's nothing normal here. There's lots of history here we're probably never going to know about. What parent tells a hard working child they aren't doing enough around the house? She's barely there. She was helping. If they wanted more help or something specific they could have sat down with her and discussed it. Instead they escalated it to threatening to kick her out, apparently not the first time either. She responded in kind. She could have left a note or texted them. I'd be willing to bet if we knew the whole story of her life, we wouldn't blame her for not doing that. Sometimes bio or step parents zero in on one child and not the other for abusive behavior. We generally read about the kid that has died from that situation. Thankfully this young woman is out on her own terms. I hope she becomes as successful as she desires to be and lives a wonderful life. Hopefully the other daughter gets out too. She's in a bad situation too
Load More Replies... ESH. You dad was an AH for not acknowledging your contributions to the household, but you're an AH for splitting and blocking them without an explanation. Be an adult and take responsibility for your actions.
I will say: moving out was a good idea. Going no contact was a good idea. But doing it in the middle.of the night, and not letting them know is just passive aggressive BS. Tell them you are done with their s**t, and be done with it. Don't lower yourself to their level. Not telling her friends, for whatever reason, really not okay. One of my uncles did this, recently. He was widowed and living with his son and DIL, who had relapsed back into drug abuse. He was trying to give stability to his grandkids, but once CPS roved them, his life became hellish. So he took off and no one knew where he was for a week. (Also living in his car.) One of my aunts was in touch with the cops daily. Family were putting out FB posts asking people to look for him. Another uncle had been through two deaths - his wife and his only son- in the space of 6 months. Then the brother he was closest to was who knew where. He was frantic. It was awful for everyone. You don't have the right to put people through that because you've had it with someone. Stay in touch with the people who care about you. They can block numbers and decline phone calls if they have to.
Let me understand. They paid your rent, medical, college, and utilities for 21 some years and you thank them by breaking off all contact? You mean you were never ungrateful or never yelled at them and now you want repay all that by punishing them because you didn’t like their attitude???
As a parent myself both parties are at fault as far as I can see. The father should of never said or acted like he did. The daughter taking a false threat to heart did what she did. First off I'm totally in her court and on her side. I don't have any issue with what she did initially bc frankly her dad was being a d$#k. She was obviously trying to do her best even when completely busy and adulting. That said she shouldn't also leave her parents completely out of the loop. Like I said as a parent myself they are probably worried sick about their daughter and probably regret what was said or done. And even if they are not there is nothing wrong with letting them know she was ok etc etc. Heck my daughter and I just had a phone call that ranged from yelling and bitching to crying and laughing. Hate how everyone acts like life is so black and white. She made a gut reaction to get back at her parents over what we all know at least was one Convo. That's an overreaction. Word restrictions suck
She made it clear that the verbal abuse was a long-term issue. It wasn't just "one" argument. What parent would tell their hard working child that they will amount to nothing? They should be proud of her!
Load More Replies... You are solo not the as hat....when you are doing yourself the best thing for YOURSELF and get emotionally abused by it YOU have to do what is best and safe for YOU!!! I kinda did the same thing....my mom threatened to throw me out the house...great...( I was 17 ) .... I rented a U Haul....moved upstairs from my dad in a duplex... But he knew how bipolar and toxic my mother can be...I paid him rent...was working 2 part time jobs ( I was still in high school!! ) and when mother figured out I was gone gone...took a week....she flipped out...this was before decent cell phones...and GPS etc... So I did call her...let her know I was alive...and to this day 28 yrs later i still did what was best....fortunately I finally got a career that I'm in love with and no longer have to work 2-4 different part time jobs.... I would really like to know how thing's are w/you now.... But if I don't God's speed and Good for YOU!!!
You spoiled brat. One day you will realize what you have done to your parents. When you have kids ( if you ever do considering running away is your answer) think about how you would feel if your kids did that to you. Stop being a spoiled entitled brat and call your parents and make up. You owe it to them.
I don't think many of you have children. Yes you work hard and you study and yes you have a lot going on but your parents asking you to help around the house is not verbal abuse. Your dad pointing out that he can make you homeless, nothing i would say, but your response to that is immature and cruel. I hope, as a parent, i never have to wonder if my child is ok and why she didn't come home in the night. Especially because there was no real fight, you just disappeared in the night.
Idk about you but, threatening to make her homeless, telling her to "shut up" when she gives an example of helping, being very unappreciative of the chores she does do, etc is abuse. No one claims that asking her to do chores is abuse, the completely other things was abuse tho.
Load More Replies... Everyone is an arsehole. Your parents are arseholes for treating you like that and you definitely should stand up for yourself but you are behaving like a child and coward. Instead of telling them you have left, you are "punishing" them by intentionally making them worry about you.
YTA. Am I missing information? So, yes, the Dad was an ass, but why on earth would somebody leave like that?? It is icredibly dramaqueenish and selfish towards the rest of the family. Move out, sure, but for Godssake, who ghosts their whole family over this? I had fights like this with may parents a lot. I move out and we rebilt a great relationship that lasted decades. Very childish and self-centred behaviour, imo.
I also had the thought that some things were left out. She says it started with her saying she took out the trash and ended up with him saying he could make her homeless. She doesn't say what transpired in between. While his words weren't the most charitable, she didn't has he threatened her physically or called her names. I've seen real abuse this while not kind isn't exactly at the level of emotional abuse.
Load More Replies... ESH. Your parents for threatening you and you for running away like a teenager. I don’t blame you for leaving but there was no need not to tell them you are leaving. What about your sister and other family members? Are you just going to let them think you disappeared? A simple “Judging from what you said, you don’t want me here. Fair enough, I’m an adult so I am moving out. Goodbye.” would be fine. That is, if your goal is to move out vs punishing your family.
I understand her being upset and deciding to leave, but the way she did it was immature. Her father was also immature to threaten her with homelessness. She could have talked to him about this more the next day and told him that she had decided to move out, and then just done it.
The parents f'd up. Everyone does. No one's family is perfect esp mine. But they are still your parents who deserve to know the truth as well as the truth of who you are and how committed you are for sticking to standing on your own two. That's it. No one's saying you gotta go back but you are their child still and though they treated you bad it is within your power to hold the key of forgiveness in order to forget them. They won't forget you however, but that's ok because as long as the forgiveness is there the opportunity for growth, change is there for them to see the errors of their ways and come around when you least expect it.
ETA, she should have told them she’s ok to begin with. Block them after that if you want to but it was too much to just leave without saying a word and not letting them know if you’re dead or alive.
OMG you use your parents home like a stop and drop motel. You catch your dad on a bad nite where he is stretching for a little appreciation...doesnt phrase it just right to your sensitive ears...and like an emotionally stunted teenager...you are going to "show" them!! Yes, yes you ARE the AH.
ah yes, moving out after your parents threaten you with homelessness is definitely treating them like a motel, sure
Load More Replies... Awe! Poor adult child living for free under your parents roof. You are NOW a victim of mental abuse. WTF? Grow up! When you have a home and family of your own you HAVE to work, pay bills, support and raise your children, cook, clean and whatever else. You're an able bodied adult living for free! Do the damn chores and STFU! Who paid for your education? Did you pay your parents rent? You sound like a spoiled brat who looks to the internet for justification of your childish behavior. Your are NOT a victim. I'd love to hear your parents side of the story.
Sounds like the a*****e to me. Once she lives for a while paying her own way and dealing with flatmates she will realise this. Of course as an adult she is free to leave, that's not the problem, it's the childish huff she left in.
Yep, sad when someone takes care of you for so long, then you abandon them at the first sign of knowing it all. Sounds like the typical exaggerated story. She will never have it so easy again
Load More Replies... Who in their right mind is STILL living with their parents in the family home when they are 23???
Or in other words, IF you still live with your parents in their house, it is their rules, Not yours. Stop complaining.
Load More Replies... If your friends cannot understand why you left home & blocked your family contacting you…they are not real friends. . . You are NOT the AH for leaving like that; frankly, why wasn’t it sooner? (Tho I understand having to try making the best of bad situation there, to reach your goals). . But..,you MIGHT be an AH, for not even sending a “Sayonara” message or email, before blocking them. . & what about your younger sister?..bet she gets plenty of similar from the folks…maybe keep Cautious contact w/her, but still not telling them where you are. . You are very correct to leave that dangerous household!
People sometimes say things they don't mean. For God's sake these are your parents. What the hells wring with you to not even let them know you are ok? You are 23 years old , you didn't need to be living at home anyway . But to disown family is ignorant on your behalf. No you don't have to live with them but they gave you a roof over your head for 23 years and you can't give them the respect of letting them know you are ok. I dont understand people in this age group , where family means nothing at all to them. Someday you'll regret what you have done , but sadly it'll be to late.
Her family treated her as if SHE didn't mean anything at all! You've got it backwards.
Load More Replies... What a childish melt down! And talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face! I can only hope that this child (and i use that word deliberately), moves home or finds an adult to take her in before her unsafe living arrangements results in her assault or death. And there are people egging her on? what's wrong with people?
A "childish meltdown" over what she has made clear has been a long term pattern of abuse? She left before they could throw her out. At least this way she got to pack some stuff. No guarantee they would have let her in the heat of the moment. I get that there are safety concerns, hopefully her college can give her guidance on a shelter she can go to.
Load More Replies... The internet is a stupid place, go home and respect your parents. Try and make them understand you are doing your best to help.
When you're 23.. it's time to do you're part :p not that long ago, people bought houses at that age, got married and have children.. she is still to lazy do help her parents who still provide her a roof over her head :p if anything, she is spoiled for to long, not abused
Depends on how much the parents work. If they both work 10 hours a day, I get that they want her to do household tasks too. If they work less, they should shut up, unless she doesn't have to work extra, but does it to save money for herself and expects them to keep everything clean.
Load More Replies... They didn't seem so worried about that safety when they threatened to be the ones to MAKE her homeless because she dared to try to communicate with them. Seems most of the people defending the parents here see it reasonable to throw threats at their children to get them to shut up instead of just communicating simply because you happen to be the one who owns the house yet can't take the emotional burden of them leaving your a**es and cutting you off afterwards. Lol just wanna be able to throw that s*** around without any consequence because "family". Give me a break.
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