Pretty In Pink: Tomboy Throws A Fit Over Bridesmaid Dress, Threatens To Skip Sister’s Wedding
It’s safe to assume that most people expect to get married once, which is why they want the day to be perfect.
For this bride-to-be, a perfect wedding entailed all of her bridesmaids wearing matching dresses, so she picked them out and paid for them herself. But one of the women—her sister—refused to wear it, saying that the pink color was “too girly” for her. That led to a rift between the siblings, and left the bride wondering if she would be a jerk if she told her sister to suck it up.
Seeking to better understand both of the sides involved, Bored Panda turned to a professor at the Rady Faculty of Health Sciences at the University of Manitoba, Dr. Michelle Lobchuk, who was kind enough to share her insight on the situation and discuss the role empathy plays in it.
Every bride wants their wedding day to be special
Image credits: iam luisao / pexels (not the actual photo)
This bride-to-be wanted her bridesmaids to wear matching pink dresses, but her sister was not up for it
Image credits: seventyfourimages / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ReadingChemical6240
Planning a wedding can be exciting yet stressful
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska / pexels (not the actual photo)
Planning a wedding is in no way an easy task. Don’t get this wrong; it can be fun and enjoyable, but juggling a hundred things at once—like choosing the venue, the caterers, and picking out outfits, just to name a few—can really test the strength of one’s patience. Not to mention the anticipation of the big day (even if very exciting), which takes its toll, too. With such a mix of emotions bubbling up, certain misunderstandings or arguments are close to inevitable.
“Let’s face it, wedding days are emotionally charged at multiple levels. It is best to acknowledge this and to accept that we’ll celebrate with felt emotion at different levels, for different reasons, and with different people,” Dr. Michelle Lobchuk told Bored Panda in a recent interview.
Even if people from all walks of life are invited, the happy couple is likely to have a different bond with each of them, leading to different emotions or expectations. That’s why they might not care that much about someone’s opinion on a certain matter, but take another person’s comments to heart immediately.
“As individuals, the bride and the sister each need to reflect on ‘why’ one feels as they do; in this case, [in regards to] the color of the bridesmaid dresses. This makes us better at communicating ‘who’ we are and what our needs are, which can foster better understanding,” Dr. Lobchuk explained by adding that both sisters should try to take the time to better understand each other’s perspectives. “Making the effort to try to ‘hear’ each other fosters respect and can open the door to negotiation that can help to ensure that everyone’s needs are met.”
It takes empathy to understand another person’s perspective
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska / pexels (not the actual photo)
Prof. Lobchuk emphasized that across many cultures, wedding days are significant life events, which is why the soon-to-be-married couple tends to have a certain vision of how they want it to look. Such a vision can help make sure that everything is altered according to their desires, but it can also become a reason for disputes, if others don’t support the idea they have in their heads.
“When seeing it from the bride’s perspective, one can understand her being upset with what appears to be an insincere, even selfish, attitude of her sister who does not want to support her sister’s vision,” the professor pointed out. “We have all heard stories about brides who become upset when their long-planned dreams for this special day are met with discordance by others.”
However, she added that when it comes to the wedding day—a reflection of unity and commitment—empathy plays quite an important role among all the involved parties. “Although practicing empathy is not easy in emotionally charged situations like weddings, the significance of this day speaks to the importance in paying caring attention to attitudes or behaviors that detract from the ‘unity’ message.”
Even though it’s not difficult to sympathize with the bride and see why she got upset, it’s important to remember that her sister might have her reasons too for acting the way that she did. “Empathy can help the bride and her sister understand each other’s perspectives and get them back on track to focus on practicing the ‘unity’ message of the wedding day,” Michelle Lobchuk suggested. “Everyone has a part to play in working toward enacting this message, not only the bride and groom but the bride’s sister as well.”
People in the comments hoped that the OP would provide more information regarding certain details
Many people didn’t think the OP was a jerk in the situation
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I was the maid of honor at my sister's wedding. It was quickly thrown together, and since it was being done cheaply the dresses weren't formal, they were purchased online, and they were this godawful pastel lavender color and I hated that it didn't go to at least my ankles...and I wore it and said nothing aside from "heyyo little house on the prairie" and I didn't die.
The context: weddings are a celebration of love. The people involved love each other (or else why would they ask to/accept to be bridesmaid). The whole demand/refuse dynamic should not have a place in this context. No doubt fueled by commercialism, but still. If you prefer a or b, ask the other person nicely. Have a conversation. And make sure you have that loving relationship after the day is done
Fembot - this is a most unreasonable response. :o) Your words are gentle, sensible, and full of wisdom.
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My issue is that weddings have just been taken over with people thinking it has to be perfect and color coordinated. I had 5 bridemaids, all wore what they felt they'd be comfortable in and I wore what I was comfortable in. Everyone was happy and we had a great day. Focus on the marriage rather than the wedding and it doesn't matter what people look like.
This is what weddings are supposed to be like. The goal is celebration of love and not the best over-the-top perfect photograph-creating ceremony.
Load More Replies... I can't believe people chose the side of the tomboy sister. It's big sis' wedding, she gets to decide on colors and dresses and flowers and everything. I never wear a dress, but if my sister asked me to wear one to her wedding, any color, I would. How hard is it to suck it up for a few hours? This is an important day for the bride. She will hold this in her memory and in her pictures forever. The pink won't erase her tomboyness or anything.
I suspect there us sonething else going on behind the scenes for the tomboy. It's not the bride's fault of course though.
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That one comment saying that it's a gender issue bothers me, almost every single time someone is referred to as a tomboy, or refers to themselves as a tomboy there's someone going on about it being about a confused gender identity, why? Why is it so hard to accept that some women are a bit boyish or not super feminine without trying to make it a gender thing? Just let tomboys be tomboys and don't try to read into it so much. The sister probably just wants to look good and hasn't gotten over her "pink is for girly girls" way of thinking, or she just doesn't think she looks good in it. It's not that difficult.
yeah i like that more people are open to and aware of identity issues like that, but asking questions in the open like that feels accusatory to me
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The fact that the bride is asking instead of throwing her own tantrums about this says that she is not an unreasonable bridezilla. The sister is being childish.
I love how one of the comments makes it a gender identity issue to not be super feminine...
Someone always has to. It's getting a bit on my nerves at this point. How is it a gender issue to not like pink and wanting to wear pants more often than not?
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Oh, for heaven's sake! It's one day out of the sister's life. Suck it up, buttercup, and be happy for your sister. Wear the pink dress, put a smile on your face, have a good time at the wedding/reception. Less than 24 hours later, you're free to wear whatever you want. Geez.
She paid for the dresses, of course she's nta. If the bridesmaids paid then it's a problem but the bride paid
I really don‘t care about such things, but, they obviously come fron a country where this is normal, so, of course bride is in the right and sister dearest is a brat.
Yes agree. I couldn't care less, had no bridesmaids and my brother wore jeans with some normal shirt. He hates formal stuff. Do what you like. I'm not queen Elisabeth. But in America the bride may pick the color, so sister shut up.
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Many years ago, I briefly worked in a bridal store. One thing I found was many wedding parties had someone, often a sister but sometimes a friend or even the mother, who is incredibly angry that the bride is the center of attention instead of them and acts out to regain the spotlight. You need to shut this down hard. She wears the dress or she’s out. Get this settled early.
Remind the sister that pink used to be for boys. And to stop being a selfish brat. She's 21, not 5. She either wears the dress, or is out of the party. Once she has stopped trying to make it all about her, the bride could suggest she change out f the dress for the reception, once the photos have been done? One of my bridesmaids did that - she normally hates wearing dresses, so I selected a two piece corset top and skirt and after the formal photos had been done, she swapped the skirt for a pair of trousers.
Unfortunately the comments on the reddit thread are closed and I can't ask the OP if her sister is possibly either non-binary and that's why she's uncomfortable. But another reason is that she could unfortunately have internalized misogyny. If the latter then its disconcerting. Especially for her to be THAT hateful toward the color pink and to hate so called "girly" things.
Or she just doesn't like pink and is a regular tomboy? Where in this post does it seem like she has gender issues? Why can't a tomboy just be a tomboy without it being about gender all of a sudden? Perhaps she thinks pink is a princess colour, which has nothing to do with misogyny at all, it's just more typically associated with young girls. Or perhaps she thinks she looks ugly in pink. Why make it about politics when it's about a dress and common sense?
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I was a tomboy (still not overly prissy). I wore pink long dresses to both of my sisters wedding back when I was preteen and early teen. I lived. I am 66 years old now. Sis can get over herself for your wedding. If it was not the dress it would be hair, make up, heels, etc. You are not asking for bridezilla type s**t, just normal wedding dresses. Tell her to grow the f**k up.
NTA It's YOUR wedding day. This day is about YOU, not her, and I'm kinda POed at your parents for telling you to cave. I'm guessing this is how they usually deal with your sister when she is extra-bratty.
Better yet, downsize. 5 bridesmaid is ridiculous, why not have just a maid of honor, a close friend or family member. Weddings have gotten so over the top and silly, pare it down to a much simpler and enjoyable affair. Weddings shouldn't be spectacles, circle back to what is the purpose of a wedding and what is truly important about the day.
I am not a pink girly girl either but when my sister got married and wanted me to be MOH I wore the pink girly dress she wanted me to. It was one day and obviously I survived. The second time I was MOH bride chose a green mini dress. I am midi or maxi dress type but again I wore it. I survived that wedding also. I wanted to be there for my sister so I sucked it up and enjoyed the day. NTA but sister needs to swallow her pride. It's your day, you choose the colors and styles of the dresses.
I’ve seen tons of men wear pink. If she is that much of a tomboy, wearing a dress should be the problem, not the friggin color. She’s being a brat about this so she can make it about her. Lots of brides make unreasonable demands, and THIS is NOT one of those stories.
I have been married for 23 years. I told my girls the color and told them pickout anything they wanted to wear,I didn't care what it looked like. When my oldest brother got married I didn't want to be in the wedding. I raised him and was doing the mother of the bride things and helping with every other aspect of the wedding so I just wanted to watch them get married. My sister-in-law wasn't having it and tossed one of her difficult family members out of the wedding and said now I had no choice but to be in it. They rearranged the entire party so my husband and I walked together. My husband and I met because of my brother and my brother met my sister-in-law because he came out with me one night. So it's your wedding day and you do what makes you happy. Personally I think to many people endure so much grief simply trying to marry the person they want to spend their life with. It's one day,family and friends can suck it up or not come.
I don't know what problem the sister has with the dress, but the wedding is one day and they will be sisters until one of them dies. The bride should find a way to make it work - a complementary color in same dress style, a short black or tan jacket, whatever works. It will still look fine and the molehill will be gotten over.
I just told my friends "dark purple knee length dress, go nuts" and had no problems because i'm not insane. it's one thing to have preferences, it's another to whine and cry and ask the world to call your sister names when she "ruins your vision". weddings are important, but it's not that big a deal in the long run. If sister is MOH, let her wear a different color. it's a different role anyway
Tell her she can change right after the ceremony/photo shoot. period. It's two hours, tops, and it would look very weird to have four pink and one random color. Ask her nicely to reconsider and tell her (in front of your parents if possible) that she's your sister and you love her, and hope that if she's not comfortable with the dress, she still attends the wedding as a guest as you would love for her to be there. She's being a ninny.
I would've understood if it was about the idea of having to wear a dress, then I would've said the sister could wear a pink tux or something, but the color?! WTF?
The sister can either be a BM and wear the damn dress her sister already bought and paid for for HER wedding...or she can get the outfit she wants and sit out. I agree weddings are stupid, and thats why we did the courthouse thing (with the wrong girl as my moh, in the long run. Alyssa you suck as a human) but... its her wedding....either you want to be a part of it IN the party, or you bite your tongue and sit in the front row with mom and dad.
I was very much a tomboy myself. I didn't enjoy wearing dresses or skirts, found jeans more practical. I loathed pink forever and only now in my last 20s throw it into my wardrobe. But when I was my sister's MOH, she fitted me in a handsewn, 50s style, feminine, and pastel pink dress. And though I never wore the dress again, I wore it because it was her day, she envisioned it for her wedding ceremony, and I knew even as a teenager that it wasn't about me.
NTA. Little Sis won't shrivel up and die of embarrassment from wearing a pink dress for a few hours. Besides, it's not HER wedding, and I'm sure she knew what color her dress would be. She can either wear the dress and be happy for her sister, or step down as a bridesmaid, attend as a guest, and still be happy for her sister. But, if she shows up in white or some outlandish color/outfit, be ready to eject her.
Take a step back and downsize. Weddings have become over the top silly. Why not just a maid of honor, forget the bridesmaids, one person who is truly part of your life and has been there for you. Circle back and ask yourself the meaning of the day, what it represents. Likely find it isn't fashion, multiple attendants, unmemorable food, and loud music.
I was matron of honour at my mother’s wedding to my stepfather. I normally wear all black, but to make my mother happy I wore a cream coloured blouse and a floral skirt. Still wore my black boots as a bit of a protest but Mum was happy that I made the effort.
The black boots aren't a bragging point.. I hope you grew up since then.
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Wait what? Do we always agree with the poster? If the tomboy was posting this would we say 'stand your ground!' My god it's only one day, make her feel comfortable, djeez let her wear something else.. What does it matter? A (soft) purple goes with pink...
I am person who likes simple clothing, and pink is very far from my favourite colour. If I was asked to be a bridesmaid, and the dress was pink, it would be time to suck it up, and wear the chosen dress. This is because it's not about me, but the bride and groom. If the dress was horrendously over the top, I'd give my profuse apologies and step down as a bridesmaid.
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I was the maid of honor at my sister's wedding. It was quickly thrown together, and since it was being done cheaply the dresses weren't formal, they were purchased online, and they were this godawful pastel lavender color and I hated that it didn't go to at least my ankles...and I wore it and said nothing aside from "heyyo little house on the prairie" and I didn't die.
The context: weddings are a celebration of love. The people involved love each other (or else why would they ask to/accept to be bridesmaid). The whole demand/refuse dynamic should not have a place in this context. No doubt fueled by commercialism, but still. If you prefer a or b, ask the other person nicely. Have a conversation. And make sure you have that loving relationship after the day is done
Fembot - this is a most unreasonable response. :o) Your words are gentle, sensible, and full of wisdom.
Load More Replies... My issue is that weddings have just been taken over with people thinking it has to be perfect and color coordinated. I had 5 bridemaids, all wore what they felt they'd be comfortable in and I wore what I was comfortable in. Everyone was happy and we had a great day. Focus on the marriage rather than the wedding and it doesn't matter what people look like.
This is what weddings are supposed to be like. The goal is celebration of love and not the best over-the-top perfect photograph-creating ceremony.
Load More Replies... I can't believe people chose the side of the tomboy sister. It's big sis' wedding, she gets to decide on colors and dresses and flowers and everything. I never wear a dress, but if my sister asked me to wear one to her wedding, any color, I would. How hard is it to suck it up for a few hours? This is an important day for the bride. She will hold this in her memory and in her pictures forever. The pink won't erase her tomboyness or anything.
I suspect there us sonething else going on behind the scenes for the tomboy. It's not the bride's fault of course though.
Load More Replies... That one comment saying that it's a gender issue bothers me, almost every single time someone is referred to as a tomboy, or refers to themselves as a tomboy there's someone going on about it being about a confused gender identity, why? Why is it so hard to accept that some women are a bit boyish or not super feminine without trying to make it a gender thing? Just let tomboys be tomboys and don't try to read into it so much. The sister probably just wants to look good and hasn't gotten over her "pink is for girly girls" way of thinking, or she just doesn't think she looks good in it. It's not that difficult.
yeah i like that more people are open to and aware of identity issues like that, but asking questions in the open like that feels accusatory to me
Load More Replies... The fact that the bride is asking instead of throwing her own tantrums about this says that she is not an unreasonable bridezilla. The sister is being childish.
I love how one of the comments makes it a gender identity issue to not be super feminine...
Someone always has to. It's getting a bit on my nerves at this point. How is it a gender issue to not like pink and wanting to wear pants more often than not?
Load More Replies... Oh, for heaven's sake! It's one day out of the sister's life. Suck it up, buttercup, and be happy for your sister. Wear the pink dress, put a smile on your face, have a good time at the wedding/reception. Less than 24 hours later, you're free to wear whatever you want. Geez.
She paid for the dresses, of course she's nta. If the bridesmaids paid then it's a problem but the bride paid
I really don‘t care about such things, but, they obviously come fron a country where this is normal, so, of course bride is in the right and sister dearest is a brat.
Yes agree. I couldn't care less, had no bridesmaids and my brother wore jeans with some normal shirt. He hates formal stuff. Do what you like. I'm not queen Elisabeth. But in America the bride may pick the color, so sister shut up.
Load More Replies... Many years ago, I briefly worked in a bridal store. One thing I found was many wedding parties had someone, often a sister but sometimes a friend or even the mother, who is incredibly angry that the bride is the center of attention instead of them and acts out to regain the spotlight. You need to shut this down hard. She wears the dress or she’s out. Get this settled early.
Remind the sister that pink used to be for boys. And to stop being a selfish brat. She's 21, not 5. She either wears the dress, or is out of the party. Once she has stopped trying to make it all about her, the bride could suggest she change out f the dress for the reception, once the photos have been done? One of my bridesmaids did that - she normally hates wearing dresses, so I selected a two piece corset top and skirt and after the formal photos had been done, she swapped the skirt for a pair of trousers.
Unfortunately the comments on the reddit thread are closed and I can't ask the OP if her sister is possibly either non-binary and that's why she's uncomfortable. But another reason is that she could unfortunately have internalized misogyny. If the latter then its disconcerting. Especially for her to be THAT hateful toward the color pink and to hate so called "girly" things.
Or she just doesn't like pink and is a regular tomboy? Where in this post does it seem like she has gender issues? Why can't a tomboy just be a tomboy without it being about gender all of a sudden? Perhaps she thinks pink is a princess colour, which has nothing to do with misogyny at all, it's just more typically associated with young girls. Or perhaps she thinks she looks ugly in pink. Why make it about politics when it's about a dress and common sense?
Load More Replies... I was a tomboy (still not overly prissy). I wore pink long dresses to both of my sisters wedding back when I was preteen and early teen. I lived. I am 66 years old now. Sis can get over herself for your wedding. If it was not the dress it would be hair, make up, heels, etc. You are not asking for bridezilla type s**t, just normal wedding dresses. Tell her to grow the f**k up.
NTA It's YOUR wedding day. This day is about YOU, not her, and I'm kinda POed at your parents for telling you to cave. I'm guessing this is how they usually deal with your sister when she is extra-bratty.
Better yet, downsize. 5 bridesmaid is ridiculous, why not have just a maid of honor, a close friend or family member. Weddings have gotten so over the top and silly, pare it down to a much simpler and enjoyable affair. Weddings shouldn't be spectacles, circle back to what is the purpose of a wedding and what is truly important about the day.
I am not a pink girly girl either but when my sister got married and wanted me to be MOH I wore the pink girly dress she wanted me to. It was one day and obviously I survived. The second time I was MOH bride chose a green mini dress. I am midi or maxi dress type but again I wore it. I survived that wedding also. I wanted to be there for my sister so I sucked it up and enjoyed the day. NTA but sister needs to swallow her pride. It's your day, you choose the colors and styles of the dresses.
I’ve seen tons of men wear pink. If she is that much of a tomboy, wearing a dress should be the problem, not the friggin color. She’s being a brat about this so she can make it about her. Lots of brides make unreasonable demands, and THIS is NOT one of those stories.
I have been married for 23 years. I told my girls the color and told them pickout anything they wanted to wear,I didn't care what it looked like. When my oldest brother got married I didn't want to be in the wedding. I raised him and was doing the mother of the bride things and helping with every other aspect of the wedding so I just wanted to watch them get married. My sister-in-law wasn't having it and tossed one of her difficult family members out of the wedding and said now I had no choice but to be in it. They rearranged the entire party so my husband and I walked together. My husband and I met because of my brother and my brother met my sister-in-law because he came out with me one night. So it's your wedding day and you do what makes you happy. Personally I think to many people endure so much grief simply trying to marry the person they want to spend their life with. It's one day,family and friends can suck it up or not come.
I don't know what problem the sister has with the dress, but the wedding is one day and they will be sisters until one of them dies. The bride should find a way to make it work - a complementary color in same dress style, a short black or tan jacket, whatever works. It will still look fine and the molehill will be gotten over.
I just told my friends "dark purple knee length dress, go nuts" and had no problems because i'm not insane. it's one thing to have preferences, it's another to whine and cry and ask the world to call your sister names when she "ruins your vision". weddings are important, but it's not that big a deal in the long run. If sister is MOH, let her wear a different color. it's a different role anyway
Tell her she can change right after the ceremony/photo shoot. period. It's two hours, tops, and it would look very weird to have four pink and one random color. Ask her nicely to reconsider and tell her (in front of your parents if possible) that she's your sister and you love her, and hope that if she's not comfortable with the dress, she still attends the wedding as a guest as you would love for her to be there. She's being a ninny.
I would've understood if it was about the idea of having to wear a dress, then I would've said the sister could wear a pink tux or something, but the color?! WTF?
The sister can either be a BM and wear the damn dress her sister already bought and paid for for HER wedding...or she can get the outfit she wants and sit out. I agree weddings are stupid, and thats why we did the courthouse thing (with the wrong girl as my moh, in the long run. Alyssa you suck as a human) but... its her wedding....either you want to be a part of it IN the party, or you bite your tongue and sit in the front row with mom and dad.
I was very much a tomboy myself. I didn't enjoy wearing dresses or skirts, found jeans more practical. I loathed pink forever and only now in my last 20s throw it into my wardrobe. But when I was my sister's MOH, she fitted me in a handsewn, 50s style, feminine, and pastel pink dress. And though I never wore the dress again, I wore it because it was her day, she envisioned it for her wedding ceremony, and I knew even as a teenager that it wasn't about me.
NTA. Little Sis won't shrivel up and die of embarrassment from wearing a pink dress for a few hours. Besides, it's not HER wedding, and I'm sure she knew what color her dress would be. She can either wear the dress and be happy for her sister, or step down as a bridesmaid, attend as a guest, and still be happy for her sister. But, if she shows up in white or some outlandish color/outfit, be ready to eject her.
Take a step back and downsize. Weddings have become over the top silly. Why not just a maid of honor, forget the bridesmaids, one person who is truly part of your life and has been there for you. Circle back and ask yourself the meaning of the day, what it represents. Likely find it isn't fashion, multiple attendants, unmemorable food, and loud music.
I was matron of honour at my mother’s wedding to my stepfather. I normally wear all black, but to make my mother happy I wore a cream coloured blouse and a floral skirt. Still wore my black boots as a bit of a protest but Mum was happy that I made the effort.
The black boots aren't a bragging point.. I hope you grew up since then.
Load More Replies... Wait what? Do we always agree with the poster? If the tomboy was posting this would we say 'stand your ground!' My god it's only one day, make her feel comfortable, djeez let her wear something else.. What does it matter? A (soft) purple goes with pink...
I am person who likes simple clothing, and pink is very far from my favourite colour. If I was asked to be a bridesmaid, and the dress was pink, it would be time to suck it up, and wear the chosen dress. This is because it's not about me, but the bride and groom. If the dress was horrendously over the top, I'd give my profuse apologies and step down as a bridesmaid.
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